Since my return many things, including myself, have changed. I remember how I complained, how I looked down on my little room in what I thought of as Grandma’s Attic. I even wrote a short horror story inspired by it.
But since then I have come to understand how valuable space really is. The real estate market, at least here in Washington, has it all wrong. It is not the house that adds value to a property. I would rather live in a tiny cabin on an acre of land than in a mansion jammed in with other fancy houses, with only a strip of grass between each place.
Here, temporarily in my parent’s RV, I have no space, or rather shared space, and its probably smaller than my old bedroom where I lived for the last 8 years. I have few of the things I had then, and I no longer have piles of books I never seem to finish stacked by my bed.
Instead I have a few books that I read daily, and these are currently A Course In Miracles, Dan Millman’s, “The Peaceful Warrior” David Swartz’s, “The Magic of Thinking Big” and a big book of Kahlil Gibran’s poetry. I have a couple Seth books, two books of Japanese poetry, Shatki Gawain’s, “Creative Visualization” and “Psycho Cybernetics”, both of which I have barely cracked. I also have two fiction stories I am struggling with reading. Also Henry David Thoreau’s “Walden.”
For the rest of this month I will be drawing primarily from ACIM and Peaceful Warrior. It is from ACIM I have learned about the Cage of Judgment most of us are trapped in, and it is from “Peaceful Warrior” I have just learned I need something I can immerse myself in to the point of Satori. This is the same space every artist or athlete enters where the “I” or sense of self fades, if not completely disappears, and there is art being created, or movements being performed.
I am in a bit of a quandary when it comes to that thing I can do that would bring me to Satori. Writing should be that for me, but some part of me would prefer to do something visual, like paint. Photography is my next best option, I think that is what Zen Photography may be all about. I don’t know how to deal with this schism in me, so I will pursue painting if I can, and gently, ever so gently, try to do the same with painting.
The Cage of Judgement is much harder to address. It influences the world we see and the reality we experience. To free ourselves of it is to take whatever happens as it is. I think this is what the Advaitist’s refer to when they say becoming the ocean. It occurred to me that the waves are local, confined to a location and direction. But the ocean is everywhere, all at once. Fear and our judgements act like flotation devices that keep us on top of the water, tossed about by the waves. Releasing judgement means a release of fear, and a sinking into the ocean, to become one with it.
I guess this is what enlightenment must be. Be coming filled with light, free of judgments, able to experience the world as it is, not as it is believed to be. But I ask myself, what about personal preference? For example, will I really be happier seeing a skinny attractive or overweight ugly potential mate the same? Will I really be happier seeing a nice bed in a hotel or another icy cold night in a church side lot the same? There are things I do not understand, and could not understand, until I am in that state. But this is a case of jumping in and hoping there is water, because there is no going back once you have taken that leap.
My last journal entry may have left some of you concerned. But I am not finished yet! Working on getting a job, getting my own space, and if I can’t do that, better equipping myself and heading down the coast. I just hope to have a solid handle on what I want to do, that I have untangled some of the things that made my last trip so unenjoyable. But at the very least I understand some of the things I need to address at this point on my life.