The Problem with Suicide

This is a subject that has been on my mind for some time now. I meant to come in here and write a post, but kept putting it off. I would like to say it is because I am too busy or something, and while that may be true, I am not sure I can honestly say that is the reason. Also I may have talked about this subject before. This post represents my current perspectives on it.

In our modern society, with the possible exceptions within certain cultures, suicide is looked on as something abhorrent. We don’t want to talk about it. We don’t want to support others in their choice of life termination. If you were to Google for a painless way to kill yourself, for some plant or something you could take so it wouldn’t hurt so much, you will find next to nothing.

That’s the other side of this whole thing. We want those who would choose to kill themselves to suffer. The Christian religion teaches that such people will go to hell. If someone came up to any medical professional and stated they wanted to kill themselves, and they wanted help, they would be locked away for an “overnight observation.” We simply can not fathom that anyone would want to do this. We can not accept it either.

If someone we know has killed themselves, we would be hard pressed not to feel affronted, hurt or offended by their actions. I have seen this issue from many different angles. From a friend who had a friend commit suicide, and how he (at that time he was a he) would not tolerate my then thoughts of killing myself. Giving me a guilt trip of how he had already gone through this. Then later I had someone I once called a friend kill herself.

Yes, initially I hurt. Why didn’t she talk to me about it? How could she, she was so happy with this young man she met online – he took her around the world. Then anger at her for doing such a stupid thing. But unlike my former male, former friend, I have come to accept what she did. I have come to see that it is indeed her choice, her right. I still wish I could have done something to help, so she wouldn’t have had to come to such a decision.

But now, if I had a friend come to me and say they were going to kill themselves, I know I would support them. Of course I would try to help them change their mind. I would do all I could without risking our friendship to get them to be absolutely certain about what they wanted to do. But if, after I had done all I could as their friend to help them reconsider their chosen course of action, they were still set in their course, I would assist them, help them, support them all I could.

Because you can’t honestly be a true friend to someone if you can’t respect their choices, if there is any limit in how far you will go for them. In this sense I have not been a true friend to my formerly-male friend. I was, and still am, unable to support them in their choice of gender change. So I speak only of ideals here, how I would prefer to be. The reality may be much different. We are all works in progress.

I have come to see that suicide is not a sin. It is not bad or wrong. If indeed we have reincarnated to these lives we now lead, and have chosen the initial circumstances and situations of our entry into this world, and if indeed this life is really a classroom where souls come to learn lessons they assign themselves, then suicide is just skipping class. Maybe we were not able to handle the lessons we were learning. I could no more judge a person for killing themselves than I would criticize a child for not going to school.

We expend far too much effort trying to control each other in a pointless, stupid attempt to find happiness in external circumstances. “If only she would do this…” “If only he would do that…” “If only they would do this…” “If only I could have that…” then I would be happy, then the world would be a better place, etc. Ridiculous! The world is perfect as it is, and each person is perfect as they are! There are no mistakes here, and no right or wrong, bad or good from all viewpoints outside the physical.

Still there is a problem with self-termination that I think it may be some help pointing out. Suicide is a very strong focus on what is not wanted. Think about that for a minute. Why do people kill themselves, or each other for that matter? Because there is something they don’t want. I know this to be true because the friend who killed herself did so because there was something she was experiencing she did not want to experience any longer. Her beliefs, her faith and religion, led her to believe that what she was experiencing was somehow evil, and this, so I was told, was why she killed herself. She has become one more victim, one of the millions since the start of recorded human history, to religious indoctrination.

It was the opposite for me. I did not kill myself, though I considered it many times, out of fear of going to hell. I had the same faith as my friend who killed herself. I don’t know how her fear of hell became less strong than her fear of what she was experiencing. I can only imagine the internal stresses that were likely going on inside her. It is one more reason why I want nothing to do with any religion. The last thing I need in my life are any beliefs that bring me fear, do not support me and try to control my behavior.

If my behavior were meant to be controlled, I would have been born with a remote! My parents could just press the Off button to send me to bed, and the On button to wake me up again. The Volume buttons to increase or decrease my volume. Change the channel if they didn’t like a particular behavior. Yes, I know this sounds silly but it demonstrates a solid point. We are born without a remote precisely because we are not meant to be controlled. We are human beings, not robots!

This is a classroom in the truest sense. There is nobody trying to steer us in any particular direction. We choose our own courses of action. We learn in the process of doing so. This is why we came here in the first place. Even the act of suicide teaches the non-physical aspect of us a lesson.

I don’t think suicide is a necessary course of action for anyone to pursue. Maybe some come into this world to experience it. But the majority of those considering suicide are too strongly focused on things they do not want, eventually driving them to do it. If they could focus as strongly on the opposite of whatever is driving them, maybe they could manifest whatever it is they want into the experience of their lives.

I know that for me I can no longer entertain the thought of suicide, even though I could certainly justify it, because when I am in that particular mindset I am unable to operate properly in the world. What I mean by that is that as long as I am thinking about suicide, I remain in a very dark and negative frame of mind. So it becomes very hard for me to be motivated. To care. I can’t smile or laugh. I can’t experience any happiness of joy. Most importantly of all I can not think about the things I want. The thoughts of suicide are just too big, they take up too much space. You can only be of one mind or the other, and that’s the main issue here.

Sure, it may make things easier, or at least it may seem like it would. And yes, whatever pain we are feeling would cease. But if life really is a classroom, and if our souls are really here in physical form to learn certain lessons, we are just going to keep coming back to the same issue, life after life, until we learn what we need to learn from it. It’s like restarting a race in a video game over and over again. How many times can you restart the race, playing the same section of tack, over and over, until you either quit the game or just let it go and allow yourself to proceed?

I know that may seem just as confining as any religious beliefs attempting to control your behavior. But there is no fear lurking in the background here. You focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want, because you enjoy life and the process of living more while you are focused on the things you want. If you withdraw and focus on what you do not want, living becomes very painful and unbearable. Why cause ourselves unnecessary pain? Aren’t we in enough pain already, to even be here, talking about this?

You are not alone. More than you realize. You are connected to every other being on this planet, this planet herself and even the entire universe. You are connected to the brightest stars in the sky and the darkest black holes. The energy of worlds is running through your physical body.

You are far more powerful than you realize. When you begin to think about the things you want with as much energy, focus, drive and passion as you are now focusing on what you don’t want and your ultimate response of suicide, you will, figuratively and literally, be able to move mountains. There is no limit to your power and the things you can do other than what you have set, or allow others to set for you.

So take all this energy you now have directed towards killing yourself, and put it on freeing yourself instead. Refuse to settle for anything less than the life you want to live, and then go out and live it. This is the very same process that I am learning, even now as I write this. May things be far easier for you!

You are also not alone in feeling alone. Feeling like you do not fit. That there is no place in this world for you. The simple truth is that if you shouldn’t be here, you wouldn’t be. The very fact that you are here means that you belong here and there is a place in this world for you.

Maybe you can’t get there in your mind yet. That’s OK. Just know that I know how you feel. I truly do – I am not just saying that. A few days ago I felt it so keenly. I feel like an alien. I see couples walking together, I watch people operating in the world, and I just don’t understand. I feel like there is some training I missed somewhere. I feel like everyone else knows how to be in the world except me. For me, everything feels so much harder, almost unnatural. I struggle. I want to say hi to other people, I want to make guy and gal friends. I want to have a girlfriend. But I am stymied by the whole process.

When I went to Sakura-Con, where people more like me were wandering around in the hundreds, I still felt completely alone, alien, like I did not fit in. I still feel even now that if I was normal, if I was like everyone else, I would have at the very least made some friends and possibly even gotten laid. Anime loves, video game lovers, geeks – these are the people to whom I most relate. And yet I still felt somehow different, separate – like I didn’t fit in, and my experiences at the Con reflected these feelings.

So I am not just another person talking out of my ass while I have a beautiful woman hanging off my arm, a couple of children, a nice house and all the other things we associate with someone who belongs, who fits into the world. No, I am writing this alone, living in an RV with my parents, soon to graduate next year, having made far too few friends during my year at college, and not having any idea what the hell I am going to do after I graduate and where the hell I am going to go. And I am far, far too old to be having these feelings. Everyone else my age, almost without exception, has a family and a place where they belong… A house, a home.

So when I say I understand, you damn well better believe I do! More than you can ever possibly know. And when I say that the way out is through, not quitting, not throwing up the white flag, you better damn well believe it is! I can speak with authority because I speak from my own experience. I have tried living with thoughts of suicide. I have tried keeping thoughts of killing myself in the back of my mind, on the back burner as it were, a possible escape hatch to get me the hell outta here if things didn’t work out. Neither were conductive to my success or any feeling of good.

I at least want to enjoy my life, as much as I can considering my circumstances and situation, and I want to succeed more than fail. I have found the only way I can do that is to drop any thought of killing myself, with no intention of picking it up again. I have not managed to completely release it yet. It is very hard, the sucker holds on very strongly when you are in the shit.

But my energy and focus is now more directed towards what I want to be, do and have. I am releasing myself self-imposed limitations, and things are starting to show up. Little things. But something is better than nothing. I’ll take some progress over none! Only time will tell if pushing through is worth it. Right now I fiercely believe, and will teach, that it is. But I won’t know for sure until I punch through the blackness and come out on the other side.

I will get through this! One of the nice things about it is that while I value life, I like to think that it will be easier to lay mine down if absolutely necessary, ad if no other course of action is available. I like to think I would not be panicking in some sort of situation where I could be killed. I no longer hate my life, but I am certainly not going to be unhappy to be freed from it, especially if I can accomplish anything meaningful in the act of doing so! Truly meaningful, not what the world defines as meaningful. This sort of detachment from any strong desire to live might be useful someday. I take small comfort in that.

For now I just do what I have to do. One step in front of the next. I focus as much as I can on the things I want. I take time to enjoy myself as much as I can. I deny myself few pleasures. And I remember to give thanks for every meal, every good thing that happens. I can even find the beauty in a cold, foggy and rainy fall day like this one. I look out and see how some of the trees appear to be on fire with all their bright autumn colors. I find I can appreciate beauty, whether it is some music I am listening to, some words I am reading or something I see. It keeps me going, keeps my feelings of alienation and loneliness in the background, like so much white noise. If I ever learn a better way of dealing with it, I will do that, and share it here.

No platitudes here in closing. Just simple Spock-logic: If you are thinking about what you do not want, you can not think about what you do want.

So practice thinking about what you do want. Let go of your thoughts of suicide. Try to shift all that energy and focus into what you do want. Refuse to take any less, accept no substitutes! Crusade for what you want and go after that with as much as single-minded purpose as you may have had up to this point towards killing yourself. Just give it a try. See if you can’t take life by the balls, make it squeal and give you what you want.

If you have tried everything, exhausted every option, and you still just want to end it and get the hell out of here, well, please accept this virtual hug from me first, then proceed with my blessing and full support.

You are not a failure – you did not fail, and you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. If your loved ones can’t accept your chosen course of action that’s on them. You have let others push you around long enough. if your loved ones can not support you in this, then their love is conditional, which means it is not absolute or true.

Bear no grudges! Forgive them, love them, release as much as you can as you leave. Take as little from this world as possible. Know that you are loved (you are, in fact, love) and someday, when you face these challenges again, you will make it through them. I believe in you, no matter what.

For all of us that choose to remain, keep on fighting! Believe you will get through this (we will all get through this) know it, claim it as truth.

Now turn up those speakers!

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Dating Apps, Services, Sites – A RANT

BE WARNED! The post that follows is a rant, and may be highly offensive to some. It concerns my feelings and opinions about women and online dating.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I am not enlightened, as far as I know, but even if I was, I am still human, and I would still feel. The only difference is that maybe an enlightened person would handle their feelings better.

So last year I entered the online dating scene with OK Cupid, which I may have posted about here, or maybe at my tech blog. Briefly the things I encountered were:

OK Cupid’s system, like many other dating app and service systems, basically put me in a group with fat, older people because I am overweight and over 40. So the majority of the “matches” I got had nothing to do with what I wanted. They were all overweight, undesirable fat women. I have run across this again in a dating app I tried, only that app added women with children. Basically OK cupid and this dating app, and other apps and services, ignore completely what you write out as a preference. If you want to be “matched” with young, beautiful women, you have to list yourself as a young, beautiful guy. Be sure if you do this that you add  a disclaimer to your profile.

Many women demanded a number of courtesies, but could not be bothered to reply even to the nicest, most complimentary comment from me. I have run across this many times too. I never send dick picks, I never say anything like, “Hey baby, you’re sexy! Wanna come over to my house?” I always read the woman’s profiles, ALWAYS, and my contact always references their profile in some way, for those few women that even bother to provide a profile. I think in all my time at OK Cupid I received one response. In a dating app I am using, I replied to a woman and then she just stopped talking to me, for no reason and without explanation.

Something I noticed more now in the dating apps, but likely was present at OK Cupid, is a lot, and I mean a LOT, of women posting headshots. The do something, either using younger pictures, or photoshoping, or doing themselves up in some way, to hide the fact that they are really overweight. LISTEN ALL YOU FAT WOMEN! I understand why you are doing this. The majority of red-blooded males are not interested in you. I know how you feel, because I have liked probably a couple hundred women by now in various dating apps yet received no responses from anyone I liked. Those women probably feel about me the way I feel about you. But just stop it. You are not fooling anyone, and you are causing more pain for yourself and others in the long run.

I met someone in the Amino App not that long ago. She posted headshots, and they made her look like a highly desirable, sexy young woman. I was very interested in her. I started talking to her, we hit it off despite an extreme age difference. But then, a week or two into our “relationship”, she let slip something, and alarm bells went off, so I asked for some full body pictures. Understand I have never hidden the fact that I am overweight. Not once. Nor did I hide my age in this instance. She knew all about me, I was 100% honest with her. She sent the shots. She at least did that much. what I saw had nothing to do with her headshots. I saw a very fat, not even pretty female that only vaguely resembled her headshots. They were probably taken of her at a much younger age. I cut it off with her then and there. Not just because she was fat, not even primarily. But because she deceived me and lied to me.

So all your fat chicks, PAY ATTENTION! DO NOT DECEIVE, DO NOT LIE! If you think that you are still pretty sexy despite the fat content of your body, and there are some cases where this is true, post nude pics or pics where you wear very little, in good lighting, of good quality, showing your whole body. TO ALL WOMEN IN GENERAL! Stop holding back, if your app or service allows nude shots provide them. Nothing sexual, just you, naked, no need for makeup, doing yourself up in some way or photoshopping. This is one way of being 100% honest about yourself, what a potential mate will see when you two get to that point in your relationship. If you can’t do nudes, get as close as you can. Barefoot too, hide nothing. AND STOP THE SNAP CHAT DOG EARS AND FUNNY FACES!!!

Now to the really offensive stuff… I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANY LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP! That is why I put short-term or dating on my dating profiles. It is not that I am closed to going long-term, not at all. But I want one thing, and one thing only… YOU NAKED, IN FRONT OF ME, SOON LYING ON MY BED, SO I CAN PLEASURE YOU, THEN MAKE LOVE TO YOU. Have I made myself clear? The only thing I care about initially is sex. That is all that matters, that is all that is important. I could spend hours explaining myself to you, but I won’t. IF YOU DON’T LOOK GOOD NAKED, THEN I AM NOT INTERESTED. I will be the judge of how desirable you are. You may think you do not look good naked, but the only opinion here that counts is mine.

Some people look good naked, despite their age or excess body fat, because they are beautiful inside. Some look ugly, despite having a beautiful body, because they are ugly inside. Some girls I just see too many of, so I swipe left. How many mountain climbing, bicycle riding, dog loving tall blondes could there possible be in my area? At last count several hundred, just on the dating apps I am sure. I have nothing really against the typical tall, tanned, athletic blond woman. But I am an artist, and have an artist’s eye, and would like something a little more unique, if at all possible.

The plan here is to go out with you, and when you are ready, to pleasure you and then make love to you. If I enjoy how you look, and I enjoy you as a person, then I will want to continue being with you. Maybe we will choose to live together or get married, whatever it is you want. I want to enjoy your body for the next decade or so. I want to have copious amounts of sex, until I am satiated. I am like a thirsty man in a vast desert. When I find water, I will drink it until I make myself sick or kill myself. Because I have been far too long without it.

From these words you may get the impression I am some sex-crazed freak or maniac. Not so. If you knew what my life has been up to now, you would understand. I am a deeply spiritual person, interested in pleasing his lover and receiving pleasure in return. I am also very chivalrous and romantic. I am also a gentleman. I reserve the right to use any means at my disposal to get you naked and into my bed. But only insofar as you are willing. I will never use force of any kind. If I enjoy being with you, day and night, I will want to continue to be with you for as long as you want to be with me. While I do not subscribe anymore to religious-based patriarchal systems that seek to control women, I will still only be with one person at a time, and if that is you, then there will be no other until you have made it clear you no longer wish to be with me.

Which is why I also do not want to be with someone who has children. I can not satiate myself sexually if there are children in the picture. Also a child is a physical reminder that another guy has put his penis into your vagina (unless we’re talking artificial insemination or something.) Even though I may not be your first, I want at least the illusion that I am, by not having any evidence to the contrary. I am proud of the countless profiles I ave seen in my dating apps where the woman shows pictures of their child and/or says that they have children. If women could only be as honest about the current appearance of their body, I would be in seventh heaven!

Please do not misunderstand me. I do want to have children. I am not in any rush, I have YEARS of sex to catch up on before I have finally had enough, but I am willing to be a father, I wouldn’t even mind raising someone else’s child. But initially at least I don’t want to be with anyone who has children or has had children. Or has been married. Or is in a relationship. Single, available and without children – that is what I want. Also note that I have no STDs, and do not wish to receive any. That said I have no intention of wearing a condom. If you get pregnant, whether or not we are together, I will do my duty, on proof the child is mine. Your responsibility is to keep yourself clean, tell me if you have any diseases, or if you can’t have children for some reason, or any other physical thing going on.

If you have some strange genetic disease, cancer, or can’t have children that is not necessarily a deal breaker for me. There are many children that need good homes, so there are benefits to adopting when we are ready. If you are dying we can enjoy the time we have, and maybe I can influence you to heal yourself, or maybe you will heal, or maybe you will die and I will learn how to not be attached to you. But if you have anything communicable beyond the common cold I am not interested.

I am tired of all the bullshit, and I don’t have the time or the inclination to deal with it. You may be just as horny as me. Just be honest about it. Be honest about your body, the dis-eases it has, if any, and who you are. This whole dating/romance thing doesn’t have to be a game in order to be fun. Really who would enjoy a romance that plays out like a game of chess? Seriously! If I like you, contact me, even if it just to say you are not interested. Tell me that if it is true. If you want to give me a chance, chat with me. Go out on a date with me. I am holding nothing back here. You know what I want. Tell me what you want.

And for the love of God, leave politics and religion out of it! I am not sleeping with your god or you political views. They are not who you are. I am sleeping with you, who you are, your body, nothing more, nothing less. Throw out all that excess baggage you’ve been lugging around, release and let go of all your silly requirements (must be 6 feet tall because I wear high heels – I am, but seriously?) Strip all that crap off and the mask you wear as you will later remove your clothes and come to me nakedly just who you are. Is that really too much to ask? I promise I will be gentle with you, when we first begin to talk and when I later lay you in my bed. Or your bed. Or wherever we go. Don’t you want to be free to be yourself with someone? Just for once in your life?

I had to get these words out. They have been boiling and simmering inside of me for some time. I find these dating apps and services tedious at best. I am awkward and clumsy when it comes to talking to women in real life. I have no idea how to move from a pleasant smile and “Hi!” to “Would you like to go out with me?” Plus I have no car, no way to travel to Portland, where 95% of the women seem to be, I live with my parents in an RV, so the only privacy we can have is if I pitch a tent outside. I know I am undesirable and unattractive physically and circumstantially.

But I feel I have a right to have my needs met, and that it should not be like pulling teeth to do so. I am tired of being alone and missing out on things. I have a whole summer ahead of me, and I intend to get laid by the end of it. Preferably many, many times. I have to succeed this time. I am tired of failing. I am not a failure. I will succeed, and will do whatever it takes to make my desires happen, to meet my needs, and to make my dreams come true.

My Summer Reading List… and Some Music

Bit of an odd thing to post I guess, but I thought maybe some of you were curious as to what I am currently reading, or have read, this year. Also maybe place some music from YouTube in here that I have been listening to or working with. Leave a comment if you like this sort of post or not. I will do more if people like it or find it at all useful.

I have just started reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron:

I bought, some years ago, the slightly more expensive Complete Artist’s Way, but something at the time put me off the book. Resistance? Not at the right frequency or vibration? So it has been in storage for over a year now. Got this one at a book swap, and am studying it in the hopes I can turn on the idea spring inside me, because I am also studying Story Genius by Lisa Cron:

I want to write a novel according to this author’s process, but I need an idea I can run through the 4-step process. The problem is I have had few ideas for storiess for some time now.

Just finished You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay:
https://www.amazon.com/You-Can-Heal-Your-Life/dp/B00HU82ANK/

And just started All Is Well:
https://www.amazon.com/All-Well-Medicine-Affirmations-Intuition/dp/B00C7ETPJY/

You Can Heal Your Life is a book you will want in your library. You will be returning to it many, many times. Reading it once through is not enough. There is so much packed into such loving, simple words. I am sure All Is Well will be the same.

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne:

There are so many copies of this around my area. The movie is also on Netflix!

Benjamin Hoff wrote The Tao of Poo and the Te of Tiger. I just picked up the Te of Tiger for $1.00 at my local library. It looks to be a funny, loving but wise book:
https://www.amazon.com/Benjamin-Hoff-Te-Piglet/dp/B0089GD8BU/
https://www.amazon.com/Tao-Pooh-Te-Piglet/dp/014095144X/

My singing teacher lent me Feel The Fear… And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers:

I don’t agree with all of the positive thinking stuff. If you struggle, put effort into thinking positively, then things begin to fall apart. You can’t make positive thinking happen by sheer strength of will. I have written along this subject before, based on my experience with a book a read by Michael Beckwith. You have to work on how you feel, you have to envision what it is you want and gently keep returning to this things. You allow yourself to have a more positive mindset, it is never created by force. Mrs. Jeffers does allude to this a little. The main thing about this book is that it helps you see a lot of things, like when you are not really taking responsibility to working through fear. It really is a transformative text.

Speaking of fear:

Speaking of transformative texts, both The Big Leap and Learning To Love Yourself by Gay Hendricks are must reads. In them you learn about how you limit and sabotage yourself. You learn how to accept and love yourself. These books, like Louis Hay’s, will need to be read multiple times. I have been resisting going through each of them again. But I will. I do not want to forget the many valuable lessons I have learned from these books.

I am only human afterall:

Been diving in Seth again, this time with Dreams and Projections of Consciousness by Jane Roberts (AKA Rupert):

It’s interesting that when I first started reading the Seth material I found it very hard to get into. But without my noticing it has become easier to read. The same thing happened to me as I was reading the Zen of Creativity by John Daido Loori:

I caught it that time because it happened as I read it. But in the case of the Seth material, I returned to it and I found I could read it easier. Another channeled text I recommend is Emmanuels’ Book by Pat Rodegast:

Someone donated this or something to the church library where I sometimes help out. The librarian there wanted me to look at this, see if it was acceptable for the library. Unless the library in question is for Christian Mystics, this text would not be acceptable for the average Christian, simply because it is channeled from some entity given the name Emmanuel. Just as they wouldn’t like Seth or Abraham, they would instantly, without reading it, hate this book. Which is sad. Because I got it not long after I totaled my car, this and Taking The Leap got me through that time in my life and helped me see a lot of things about myself.

Wherever the words in the book originated from, they are eloquent, loving, almost poetic. There are simple illustrations scattered in it, and it just makes this a beautiful book. I would have loved to see it done in a nice hardback edition with quality paper. Still every time I open my paperback with the corner on the front that is creased and its yellowed pages I feel like I am being given the biggest, most loving hug. I start my day reading just a little of this. And even as it loving me enfolds me, it gently instructs me. Please check this book out!

Every time we read material like the books I have listed here, every time we make those inner changes, sometimes quite painful, we become a little more conscious:

Of course I am still studying ACIM, a project going on over a year now:

It remains very hard to read. But I continue through the reading and the exercises.

Something I have just started is Mastermind:

Which purports to teach you how to think like Sherlock Holmes. I hope the Mind Palace stuff is in there too. I am still reading Rainer Maria Rilke:
https://www.amazon.com/Rainer-Maria-Rilke/e/B004C1XNI4/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1498168394

For dating I am rocking The Geek’s Guide To Dating by Eric Smith:

Just got into the chapter on getting dressed for the date and am sensing I am in trouble there. Also You Probably Shouldn’t Write That by Lisa Hoehn:

For drawing I am working through You Can Draw In 30 Days by Mark Kistler:

For singing I am diving into Free Your Voice by Silvia Nakkach:

For fiction I am struggling through Tad William’s Otherland Volume 3 – Mountain of Black Glass:

Also 50 Shades of Grey because Lisa Cron says its an example of a good story:

I haven’t started it yet. Some more music I think:

From the end of the movie Collide. Here’s something unique:

Finally, in honor of the new Pirates of the Caribbean Movie:

May you find this list not only enjoyable and useful, but also transformative!

 

6-22-2017 – Status Report

I know it has been a long time since I have posed here. I could make excuses, all of them valid. I have been busy with college. I have been struggling with resistance. But the fact of the matter is that if something is truly important to you, if it truly matters, you will make time for it. In my case itr is not so much that this blog doesn’t matter. No, it is more that the other things I am pursuing matter more to me at this time.

But I wanted to come in here with a brief update. I guess to start with, just over a year ago in June, I headed to California on my bike, and ended up in Parkdale, WA., where I made my way back “home.” If home is where the heart is then my home is somewhere in California, or the Venice Canals, or Tokyo, even though I have not yet been to these places.

No, home for me is a motorhome my parents purchased, initially in Ridgefield, which is where I left, and now in Vancouver. That’s right, anyone coming to this page from Clark College. This Oswald Award Nominee and Recipient, on the Vice President’s list and now a member of Phi Theta Kappa, lives in a 30′ Class A RV parked on another family’s property with his parents. This 41 year old man, who has never been on a real date, never married, never had children, and other “nevers” besides, sleeps on a fold-down couch that hurts his back. He has no privacy, no hot water for a shower, and he gets to help his parents occasionally by draining out buckets of sewage and walking it to a sewer pipe located 200 feet or so away.

I say these things freely here. This is my blog. Maybe my only real home. If I can’t take everything off and let it all hang out here then I don’t know where else I would be able to do it. I will likely say little if any of this on the campus. I won’t bring it up in any conversation. I am not exactly hiding these things, but I am not going to boast either. I deserve to, and I have earned it, I am sure many would agree. But at this time I would rather keep quiet about all of this in the physical world. I know things posted here can leak out, but I am comforted by the fact that this blog is not very popular or well-visited. That suites me just fine.

I like this place to be a sort of meeting space, where like-minded people can hang out every once in awhile. I have made a few good friends here, and learned a lot in my years blogging. It’s nice to think that perhaps, just maybe, I have had some positive influence on the few who have come here. But back to…

So I am wrapping up my last year at Clark College. I am learning how to interact and socialize with people. I have made a few friends, but as long as I can count them on one hand it is far too few. I have installed a few dating apps on my phone: Brumble, Tinder, Clover and Blendr. Every day I left and right swipe numerous prospective females. Been contact just once, and the woman left the conversation without a word. I feel that maybe I can learn a valuable lesson here. That maybe I can use the LoA to my favor, and use the kinds of females I encounter on these services as a sort of guideline to my current vibrational level.

Speaking of Abraham-Hicks is speaking in Portland in just a few days. I really want to go, so if anyone has an extra ticket or something they would be willing to give me, please let me know! This time I will not go in with the wrong mindset like I did with I Am Light. I am learning more and more it is all about the flow, not force, not trying to make things happen.

After I wrap up at Clark I will graduate the following spring. Then I will either continue my education or seek out a job with the certifications I have earned. I have been studying Computer Support. As far as continuing my education, that will depend on whether or not I am granted an scholarships. I applied for the Foundation Scholarship at Clark, but was not selected.

When I am not in class or swiping left and right in dating apps I am drawing, which I have taken up again, learning piano, also something I have taken up again, and practicing singing. That’s new. I have learned I am a tenor, which is basically the male equivalent of a soprano. I just survived my first recital where I sung The Rose of Allandale. I am currently learning Let Me Fall and River.

I have also come to be aware of upper-limiting, and when I am doing that to myself. In addition to this I have come to see how I need to truly take responsibility, and when I am angry at something, I am not actually being responsible. So I have been making a lot of changes and using Habitica, an Android app, to help me establish good habits.

Still trying to get the whole novel writing thing figured out. Still studing LoA and manifestation and ACIM. Also started studying the process of dating. I honestly have no idea how to take things to the next level after I have started talking to a girl. Or I know and am making it hard on myself because of a lack of confidence. But at least I am going out and talking to various females, engaging them, making them smile.

I am learning a lot at this point in my life, and it isn’t just the college-related material. I am currently working on myself such that I no longer have anything inside me that would reflect my current life experience. That would instead reflect a better life experience, where I am with someone, standing on my own, living in my own place. Where I essentially have a place I call home.

OK, well I am falling asleep. Expect more updates through the summer as I am done (with school) until fall.

Life of Confusion

I find myself repeating old, limiting patterns again. It would be so much easier to play the role of a victim. To point out all the things that are making things so difficult for me. To explain how hard my life is right now. To express how much pain I am going through.

But the fact of the matter is that I have nobody to blame but myself. Every… Single… thing in my life, everything, is there because I asked for it to be there. There are no exceptions. All the bad, what little good I can recall.

For most of my life I have vibrating at a frequency of failure. Of “don’t notice me” when I am around others. While this is changing, I still vibrate at the frequency today. The end result is that I am alone. I started vibrating at this frequency, I suspect, out of fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of failure. Unless I figure out how to raise my frequency, begin vibrating at whatever the frequency is that attracts others of higher vibrations into my life, I will die alone and mostly friendless. I will die a total failure. This will never change until I change.

For most of my life I have also been vibrating at a frequency that, I guess is something like “work sucks” or “I don’t want to work” or “I don’t want to end up like my dad.” Maybe a combination of all of these. As a result, I have been sabotaging myself in every job I have ever had. I am sabotaging myself in my jobs on campus right now. Unless I find a way to raise my frequency and vibration I will keep repeating this until I am aware of whatever it is that is asking for my attention, or until I have learned whatever it is I need to learn.

I could find blame with the people I have worked for and currently work for. Just as I could blame others around me for not noticing me or rejecting me. But if my work is not satisfactory, if I am not happy with it, if I want more of a challenge, or more responsibility, or whatever, I have to operate at the frequency for it. Getting another job does not solve the problem. I will just bring it with me into my new job. It will haunt me until the day I die or simply kill myself. I will never be able to support myself or stand on my own until I kick this motherfucker to the curb.

If my life is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of my life what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency for the life I want, not the life I am currently experiencing. If my work is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of it what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency of the work that I want, not the work I am currently experiencing.

One of the people I work for here at campus left me a scalding reply yesterday. I struggled with how to respond. Do I defend myself? Unless I am guilty, why would I feel the need? Defending myself proves that I am in the wrong, and I know it. The fact of the matter is that what they have said about me is the truth. Not the entire truth or the whole truth. There are forces at work in all our interactions with each other that few of us aware of. But as I look back on my work at that job, I see how I have been doing exactly what he says I have been doing.

While his intention may have been to point out a wrong, I understand that what I am actually getting here is a message from the Universe calling my attention to something I have been doing but have not been aware of doing. The Universe doesn’t give a shit about right or wrong. That’s a human concern. The Universe simply wants me to be who I truly am. It is simply pointing out what I need to be aware of, what I need to address. Because it knows the desires of my heart, and it can see how my actions at my work are not in alignment with the desires of my heart.

When you bend your finger far enough you will feel pain. Proceed and you will damage your finger. The pain isn’t to tell you that you are right or wrong for bending your finger that way. It is there to warn you that you are about to hurt yourself. This message from one of my bosses is just like that. I am being warned that if I continue I will hurt myself. But unlike a normal person who would usually stop once they feel pain, and not hurt themselves, I seem to have at tendency to ignore the warning and cause myself serious damage. I have done it again and again. If these were bones in my physical body, I think I might have broken every one by now! Not just broken, shattered.

The question remains, what do I do? I mean I know I need to be more aware. I know I need to operate at a higher frequency in regards to my work. But how do I do this, and do it consistently, until I have created the inner change required? How do I keep from forgetting what I have come to understand today so I don’t fall back into my old limiting patterns?

A few days ago I pointed out to a friend that they needed to be more mindful when doing their math. But the least mindful person in the room was actually me. Sure I can be mindful with some tasks, like working on math. My advice was good. But for the greater parts of my life I walk through it in a stupor. I am asleep, not aware of what I am doing at all, my mind off into the future or the past.

If it is off into the future, I am typically worried about something. Or hoping for something. Both are based off fear. If I am looking back into the past I am picking the scabs off old wounds. I am lost in regret or sorrow. Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my past that I can appreciate or be happy about? Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my future that I could appreciate and be happy about? Why are there always heavy, gray clouds threatening rain over the skies of my heart? Where, for the love of God, is the fucking blue sky? Where is the fucking sun?

If I quit my job, or quit my life by killing myself, I have accomplished nothing. I have changed nothing. If I come into human form again sometime in the future, I am placing a burden on that person which only gets heavier the more it is passed on. Because each life adds to the weight of sorrow and internal garbage that I have been carrying around since God only knows when. How in the hell can I become the one version or incarnation or whatever of me that finally opens the bag, dumps everything out, and leaves all that shit behind? How can I keep my future selves from suffering the same fate as me? How can I keep going in this life under my current burden?

I have no answers. I don’t know what to do. Or I do but not how to do it. Or I know both and am not allowing myself to remember. I wish I had some guru or something that could slap me upside my head and wake me up long enough that I can remember whatever I need to remember, do whatever I need to do, and change whatever I need to change. Because I am tired of making the same old mistakes. I am tired of walking the path of my life alone, and forcing myself to be alone. I am tired of the kinds of work that keep showing up in my life, and my seeming inability to vibrate at a high enough frequency that better work could show up. Or that would improve my current work.

I am afraid of the future. I worry about what I will do after graduation. I know I am graduating next year. I do not have a low frequency when it comes to my scholarly pursuits. But I am worried I will just keep going to school and run away from everything I need to be aware of and address. I will stick to what I have been successful at but ignore the larger issues of my life. Or I will graduate and I will make it meaningless. I will have this piece of paper and these certifications, but not allow myself to have a good, high paying job that would utilize what I have learned doing my time here.

One thing only I know for sure. I can practice presence by being here, in this moment, with whatever I am doing. I do not know if I can keep it up. But I know that today I am aware that I need to practice awareness, and am doing so. I will take that with me into my work today, and whatever happens… I just wrote, “Hopefully I can raise…” What am I actually saying? That secretly I am afraid I will not be able to.

Let’s try again… I desire to, I wish to, I want to, raise my vibration and operating at a frequency that transforms my life and work experience more into what I want, instead of more of the same. I allow myself to feel what I feel. I surrender to everything I am experiencing in this present moment. I yield to my entire present-moment experience. I set the intention, right now, to raise my vibration and increase the frequency I am operating at, starting with my work today.

Hell

This body
is too old,
this life,
is too long

for this young spirit.

My soul
may be old,
my heart
is lined with scars,

but my spirit is young.

It belongs to a man
who never really enjoyed
his childhood
and the process

of growing older.

I want to carve into
this aging flesh,
let the life-blood flow out
into the ancient earth,

releasing my young spirit.

I want to teach
my soul a lesson,
that pain should never
be inevitable,

that suffering should never
be prolonged,
that by the time the flesh,
has reached its middle years,

some happiness
must have been found,
some enjoyment of life
must have been experienced.

You can not scare me
with threats of hell,
I am in hell,
with every breath I take.

I yearn to be happy,
I yearn to be free.

If i can release this pain
with something sharp,
a blade, a piece of glass,
draining it from me…

Maybe
when it is finished,
I shall finally find
happiness and freedom.

Hope is dream
of the pitiful,
the dirt a starving man eats
to fill his empty belly.

To dream
is to be delusional.
Better to accept
your awful fate

then to fight it.

A New Public Declaration

After much thought I have decided I am ready to take my first, consciously chosen step out of stasis and into a complete, full and open embrace of my life, exactly as it is in this moment. I have chosen to release my hand fully from the ejection seat lever, as referred to in my previous posts, Suicide – Part 1 and Suicide – Part 2. I am choosing, right now, in this moment, and from this moment on, to be aware of when the old patterns of suicide door-thinking come and to, gently but firmly, release them and let them go.

I hereby publicly declare that I am no longer entertaining thoughts of killing myself. I am no longer holding the ejection seat lever. I am no longer keeping myself in stasis. I feel I have suffered enough, that I have hurt myself enough. I am not sure, or am not consciously aware, of what I did to deserve my self-imposed punishment, but I am done spending time in emotional and mental self-flagellation.

I deserve to be happy, I am worthy, I can have the life of my biggest dreams and strongest desires. I can have the experiences that I have always wanted to have. There is no barrier between myself and what I desire other than what I accept from others, or put there myself.

I no longer accept the limitations of others, and I no longer give myself permission to hold back. Whatever happens, whatever my fate, it is time to live my life to its fullest. To take control of the stick and fly this plane the rest of the way, to be fully aware and conscious in my life and to be motivated by love – this is what I commit to do, from this moment forward.

I will move beyond my upper limits and see what is there. I am an explorer and problem solver at heart. These are two things I enjoy doing, and applying them to my Upper Limit Problems will employ them both.

Right now, from this moment on, I am living my life.

Suicide – Part 2

I was falling asleep as I wrote part 1 of this series, or whatever it is, and now I have some more realizations to share, some more thoughts to work out. My intention here is to help myself, and to help others. For those who see in themselves what I am seeing in me, perhaps this gives them a light at the end of the tunnel, a way out. For me writing about this is both confessional, dragging something out of the darkness into the light, and making it real, there is a public witness to the things I say and the commitments I make.

So sitting on the toilet again, where I do a lot of my thinking (hey, you know you do too), I realized that in order to take my hand off the ejection seat lever, in order to throw myself fully into my life, I can not kill myself. I will no longer have that option. Because I can no longer think that way. As long as I think, “At least I can kill myself…” I am right back to where I no longer want to be.

I said before that Staind saved my life, back when I had my first thoughts of killing myself. I was still a Christian back then, I was depressed, likely would have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, most of the time. My brother had friends and either went to parties or just simply partied. Most of the time I stayed in my room, reading, listening to music, playing video games, throwing myself into shit on the computer. Essentially the same things I am doing now.

I asked a single girl at a dance to dance with me, I was all dressed up and everything, and she laughed in my face. I offered myself to another girl, a friend at the time, and the only person I have ever taken on a date. I don’t like to talk about this or say it. There is such a stigma attached to it. But I feel it is time…

So I offered myself to her, and she did not laugh at me, but she also did not accept me. Instead, because she wanted to please this other man she had met on the internet, she gave herself to a local playboy. Instead of sharing her first time with me, she chose this playboy that my brother brought in. I had taken her on that date to see if there was any interest beyond friendship with me, and there wasn’t. or if there was, she did not acknowledge it.

Of course this shattered me. This, combined with everything else, brought me right to the edge. The music of Staind kept me from going over, but they didn’t do me any favors. All they did is increase my tolerance for pain. By putting it off I had an excuse to keep putting it off. Suicide became something I could fall back on, a way out, a way to escape my shitty life.

But things just never seemed to get bad enough to cause me to do it. Or maybe they were bad but I found a way to tolerate it. Maybe I simply was not as brave as I thought. It takes a lot of bravery, courage, determination – something – to be able to take out that knife and slice open your wrists. Or drown yourself. Or suck on an exhaust pipe. Oddly enough I never thought of using a gun.

The second girl’s man came (the first was one that laughed at me) and swept her off her feet. Her prince charming I guess. They traveled the world together. He did far more for her than I believe I could have. I am happy that he was there for her like that. That she had that. And pissed off at her, because she goes and kills herself some years later. Why? I know what I was told. Maybe that was enough. But to me it doesn’t seem like good enough a reason. She had everything, every reason to live and keep living. I have nothing, every reason to die and stop living. Yet I am alive and she is dead.

Or am I? Can I really claim that I am alive, sitting here, typing this, at 41 years of age, having done nothing with my life, still living with my parents, having no success, no real adventures? Unable to live my life fully, I have been in stasis I think since that time, since those things happened. I just sealed myself away, so I would only have my family to worry about if I decided to kill myself. Because if I was surrounded by friends and lovers, it would be very difficult to kill myself.

I have always bemoaned the fact that I have no friends and have never been on a real date. I have never seen a woman physically naked in front of me, never had sex. I turned myself into some kind of monk. But even though monks might physically seal themselves away, they are not sealed on an emotional, mental or spiritual level, I am fairly certain.

So if I am honest I really have been dead all these years. I put myself into stasis and went to sleep. Maybe having a sort of spiritual breakdown, renouncing my former Christian faith, having the experiences I had around that time, the belief systems crash I went through and at least one dark night of the soul, or something similar, I think all this woke me up early. I don’t think i ever intended to wake up. I think I intended to just go through the motions of life, perhaps until a time I could more easily end it.

It was harder for me to do when I was younger. I could always find reasons I have to keep going, try one more thing. Even now, though the reasons are less, there are things that I feel I must experience before I can end my life with a clear conscience. Chief among them being the act of lovemaking. What kind of man, what kind of utter looser, can’t even get a woman into bed with him?

So not only do I have to remove my hand from the ejection seat lever (referring to the analogy I was using earlier, I could eject or land the plane. My life is like a plane, I can eject myself from it or land the stinkin’ thing), I have to unseal myself, bring myself out of stasis. Because as long as I stay in that state I will push others away. As long as I am keeping alive the possibility of suicide, entertaining thoughts of it, even leaving it as a sort of open door at the back of my mind, I will push others away, I will continue like I have, I will never, ever make any real changes, any wanted or desired changes, to the circumstances and situations of my life.

I have to throw myself into life fully. I have to close the suicide door-thought in my mind. I don’t have to do more than that and should not. And I can’t do this until I am really ready to enter back into life. And I have to hope it is not too late. In order to succeed, in order to soar above my Upper Limit Problems, thoughts of suicide can not be in my mind. I just can’t entertain these thoughts, and as I think I said before, no successful person out there does.

I can no longer have this as a sort of escape plan, as if life were some horrible prison that I wanted to escape from. I have to embrace what seems to me now, in this moment, to be something akin to prison life. I have to embrace a life that, at this moment, is not what I want at all. I have to embrace it and start living again.

One of my many justifications for killing myself was that I have no purpose, no dreams. Maybe that is true. More likely I have forgotten about them during my time in stasis. Maybe I did not allow myself to have these so that I could kill myself. Maybe I threw these out the door along with the possibility of having friends, loves and a meaningful, fulfilling life. Maybe I could only justify killing myself if my life was lacking in all these things. But I have been scrabbling around, looking for a dream, a purpose, a reason to life. I have felt up to now that I have none of this. I still can’t see any of them. But something in me wants them. Something in me is no longer content to live without them.

There is more I wish to express, the last sentence brought it to mind. But I am not remembering it at the moment. Maybe part 3? I think now, looking back, that maybe this is why I have never started, completed and published a book. Why I never got very far in my level design and modeling days. Why I am not in art or architecture school, building, creating, learning how to do these. Why I never found a way to go to the Seattle Art Institute which compelled me so strongly ome years ago. Why I never pursued music. Why I still live with my parents and can not get this excess fat off my body, no matter what I do, the process is far harder than it has to be, and if I let off it’s right back.

This fat on my body is a physical symptom of an internal, energetic cause. It is the physical manifestation of my pain, all my pain, and perhaps my sense that I am not worthy, I don’t deserve to be happy, I am worthless and useless and futureless. Maybe I have been slowly killing myself while in this static condition by eating myself to death. Others use booze or cigarettes, I guess I use food and a very unhealthy mindset.

I look in the mirror and I see a fat man, not very well equipped, nothing physically that any woman would be attracted to, except perhaps the face. But in my face I see a younger man, and that is the heart I have inside me. Not the physical heart, the energetic heart. I am a young man inside. Of course I would be, because I put myself into a sort of walking coma when I was a young man.

And I wonder why I don’t fit in with other men my age. Why other people my age seem so much bigger than me, even though I am 6 feet tall. I see now it is because inside I am still a teenager, a young man, that never really grew up into the body he now occupies. I hope this will change once I take my hand off the ejection seat level, once I unseal myself, open myself up and come out of stasis. Once I embrace life fully and throw myself into it.

I want to say the road ahead will be hard, but to say that is to sort of create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have no idea what the future holds. It just seems to me, right now, in this moment, that things are going to be tough. I am not sure I am ready. But I am certain that if I ever want to have a life I want to live, I have to free myself of these old self-imposed patterns. There is no other way. I have to stop killing myself and start living, no matter what, despite anything that might happen, be it another girl laughing in my face or rejecting me. I can’t stay here in this state for fear of encountering these things. It is too important that I free myself before it really is too late.

Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, mark these words. Remember that the things you do and say to others matter. They do have an effect. I am an extreme case. And yes, part of the responsibility lies with the way a person perceives and responds. What they have drawn into their lives. But part of it lies with you. Something you do or say could completely fuck up someone else’s life. We have to be careful. Ultimately we should aim to be motivated by love in all we say and do. Or at least come as close to that idea as we can.

But if nothing else bring awareness, from now on, into what you do to others, what you say to others. How those two young women responded to me, all those years ago, has in part created the hell I am waking up from right now, in this moment. And I take little consolation in knowing they were probably suffering in their own way too, at that time, and since. The damage they did to me they also did to themselves. Sometimes inner wounds just won’t heal. How can they if there is no real knowledge of how to treat them properly? We can mend a broken arm or sew on a missing finger. But medical science still hasn’t the faintest fucking clue how to heal human emotional scars and the human heart.

So please be careful, I beg of you, for your own sake, and for the sake of those others who enter and exit your life. Everything we do to others, we also do to ourselves. It truly is a double-edged sword.

Suicide – Part 1

I am reading, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks, and I have started to put my awareness on any ULP moments that come up, any times I am Upper Limiting myself. As I believe I already said my car crash was an obvious examples. Others may be more subtle, like having an awesome day, but dealing with a broken strap on my backpack, and allowing the old feelings of anger and frustration, all tied in with my lack of abundance when it comes to finances. Even though I felt so much lighter and actually even felt elated, slowly those negative feelings began to color things. But at least I was aware of them.

Now I come to another issue, maybe also an upper limit problem, and that is thoughts of suicide. Now I have not been unhappy enough to have them lately. But I have always held onto this option as a way out. A way to escape the circumstances and situations of my life of they continue to refuse to change for the better. A way to get back my power, a way to be free. Others can fear death and be terrified of the very thought of anyone behaving out of the norm and killing themselves, but not me! Since I am no longer a Christian, the threat of hell and eternal damnation no longer has a hold on me. In fact, through the teachings of Abraham, I have come t understand that in death there is a release, and catapulting into one’s vortex. That makes it almost an attractive prospect, if I could only find a way to do it without pain. I mean if I can’t find a way onto my vortex any other way…

Maybe that part is true. But am I really taking back my power by leaving my hand firmly wrapped around the ejection lever, as it were? Or am I letting the circumstances and situations of my life have power over me? Also am I really free if I retain the ability and practice the vibration of killing myself? Or is that just locking me firmly into a pattern of behavior well underneath my upper limit. Am I hobbling myself while still believing I can fly?

I think I need to let this go. Take my hand off the ejection level. Land the fucking plane, no matter how damaged and unlikely to keep flying I think it may be. I don’t think I can soar above my upper limitations until I do. But I don’t want to let this go. It seems like to me that if I do that, I am saying that my life is OK, and I will put up with whatever shit I am going through. It feels like if I give it up I will be powerless, I will be forced to live a life that may not ever be what I truly desire. But if I don’t let it go, my life is almost certain to be what I do not desire. Do I want to continue with the way things are, or do I wish to finally and truly change things?

I have to find a way to let this go. As soon as I am ready. I can not afford to hold onto this any longer. Not because people believe is is wrong. Not because it would hurt those who love me. These are not good enough reasons. I have to let this go for me, in order to truly reclaim my freedom and power. No successful person lives their life with their hand wrapped around the eject level. I am almost certain of this. Thoughts of killing themselves do not enter into their minds. In fact it is probably inconceivable to them. I am almost certain I can not, and will not, reach my full potential until the thought of killing myself becomes such an alien concept I never even think of it.

But I am not ready yet. I hope I soon will be.

Suicide

I am reading, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks, and I have started to put my awareness on any ULP moments that come up, any times I am Upper Limiting myself. As I believe I already said my car crash was an obvious examples. Others may be more subtle, like having an awesome day, but dealing with a broken strap on my backpack, and allowing the old feelings of anger and frustration, all tied in with my lack of abundance when it comes to finances. Even though I felt so much lighter and actually even felt elated, slowly those negative feelings began to color things. But at least I was aware of them.

Now I come to another issue, maybe also an upper limit problem, and that is thoughts of suicide. Now I have not been unhappy enough to have them lately. But I have always held onto this option as a way out. A way to escape the circumstances and situations of my life of they continue to refuse to change for the better. A way to get back my power, a way to be free. Others can fear death and be terrified of the very thought of anyone behaving out of the norm and killing themselves, but not me! Since I am no longer a Christian, the threat of hell and eternal damnation no longer has a hold on me. In fact, through the teachings of Abraham, I have come t understand that in death there is a release, and catapulting into one’s vortex. That makes it almost an attractive prospect, if I could only find a way to do it without pain. I mean if I can’t find a way onto my vortex any other way…

Maybe that part is true. But am I really taking back my power by leaving my hand firmly wrapped around the ejection lever, as it were? Or am I letting the circumstances and situations of my life have power over me? Also am I really free if I retain the ability and practice the vibration of killing myself? Or is that just locking me firmly into a pattern of behavior well underneath my upper limit. Am I hobbling myself while still believing I can fly?

I think I need to let this go. Take my hand off the ejection level. Land the fucking plane, no matter how damaged and unlikely to keep flying I think it may be. I don’t think I can soar above my upper limitations until I do. But I don’t want to let this go. It seems like to me that if I do that, I am saying that my life is OK, and I will put up with whatever shit I am going through. It feels like if I give it up I will be powerless, I will be forced to live a life that may not ever be what I truly desire. But if I don’t let it go, my life is almost certain to be what I do not desire. Do I want to continue with the way things are, or do I wish to finally and truly change things?

I have to find a way to let this go. As soon as I am ready. I can not afford to hold onto this any longer. Not because people believe is is wrong. Not because it would hurt those who love me. These are not good enough reasons. I have to let this go for me, in order to truly reclaim my freedom and power. No successful person lives their life with their hand wrapped around the eject level. I am almost certain of this. Thoughts of killing themselves do not enter into their minds. In fact it is probably inconceivable to them. I am almost certain I can not, and will not, reach my full potential until the thought of killing myself becomes such an alien concept I never even think of it.

But I am not ready yet. I hope I soon will be.