OK, so a brief message to anyone of any sort of feminine persuasion before you proceed… I may say some things you may be hurt by, or take offense to. This is not my intention. I have stumbled on another of my seeming endless list of issues, and I genuinely want to know how to resolve it. If a voice inside you is telling you not to read this, listen to it, and do not read this article!
So I am not exactly sure what to call this issue. As I understand it a (typically male) person is objectifying women if they see them as nothing more than a set of tits and a pussy. Essentially. Some might say James Bond exemplifies this. I am not sure. I think there is an equally dangerous trap to fall into if we start criticizing and judging people as objectifying women. Also let’s not forget that from a purely natural standpoint, the male human is only following his instinct. The “normal” or “average” male is all about mating and propagating the species, and is programmed to see women as the way to do that. And let’s be honest… A lot of males would be happier to just have essentially a living blow-up doll they could have sex with whenever they wanted. A lot less drama, a lot less pain, no fear of rejection – the benefits are endless. Women don’t get to score points for having winning personalities when it comes to an average joe like myself seeking someone to date, much less with which to mate.
That said, I am a writer (and I am still uncomfortable saying that) and, as a writer, I must create compelling characters to drive my stories, or nobody will read them. They will be absolutely worthless. Maybe some author out there somewhere managed to become successful using cut-out characters. But that has to be the exception, not the rule. Even Stephen King instructs writers to work on their characters. If anyone knows their shit when it comes to writing, he does.
Well guess what? You can’t create a compelling female character if all you see her as is tits and a vagina. Or in my case, tits, vagina and a tail. Please don’t ask. I am really struggling here. This grand vision obstructed by the simple fact I have to see my female protagonist as an actual person, as an individual., with hopes, dreams, fears (maybe.) I have to, in short, humanize her, even though she is not human. I have less issue with my male characters. I think I might objectify people in general, even males, but especially females. So I can get over the hump with the guys and create some characters I actually care about, as long as they are male.
It would not be fair for me to take the blame for this. I am certain that how I was raised was a HUGE contributing factor to this problem. On thinking about it, I realized I don’t even really see my parents as human beings. They are “parental objects.” I see their roles. I don’t think much at all about them as individuals. I did, for a brief period of time, think of them as once being children, and trying to see from that perspective, the child inside the adult. All us adults are children that grew up, but some of that child remains with us. But outside of that I have made little or no attempt to see my parents as anything more than their roles in my life.
I am sure this happened in part because I was taken out of public school. While in a normal public or private school, where all genders attend, you can’t help but learn how to socialize with others, make at least one friend, and see the opposite sex as fellow individuals and human beings. I am sure about that. Whatever you might say about having to go to school, count your fucking blessings! Because at least you won’t be sitting at a computer screen, 45 years old, feeling completely alienated from the human race, alone with no hopes of ever meeting anyone or having a relationship with another person! You will at least, even if you ended up in a similar situation to me, have those high school experiences to fall back on. And unless you are a psychopath or sociopath you will be able to see other people as individuals, not just objects. School will teach you that. As would having a sibling of the opposite sex. I never had that advantage either. But I imagine if I had a sister, I would not be objectifying women now.
In any case being raised in isolation, with little or no contact with members of the opposite sex, will seriously fuck you up! The few times you might have contact with a member of the opposite sex, you will likely embarrass yourself and not know how to act or what to say, causing you to not only be isolated but also to withdraw. That’s how it was for me. That and a heady cocktail of being laughed at in my face when asking the only available girl on the dance floor to dance, and being rejecting when offering myself to someone who had made it clear they wanted to loose their virginity – well these and other experiences have placed me here, wondering how in the fuck I am going to fix this mess. Because I can’t write anything with female characters until I do. And because fixing this for that also fixes things for me in real life.
Let’s face it… Women are intuitive, psychic, sensitive or some combination of these three, in varying levels, though they are not typically aware of it. So if I go up to a woman and ask her out on a date, assuming I could even get enough courage to do so, she will likely say no, because she will sense that I do not see her as a person, deep down. The only way she would say yes would be if she was lonely, didn’t really know what to say, was flattered or was simply trying to be polite.
In any case… My female lead/protagonist is a young “woman” named Marie. She is of a cat-like race of people and has a tail she uses just as well, if not better, than humans use their arms/hands/fingers. She is very sensuous, lithe, athletic. She walks around naked or with nothing on at all. Hey, it’s my fantasy! She is going to find or be found by my male lead, George, who is human and a lot like me. Actually Marie has some of my attributes, and George has some others. They are going to have a lot, and I mean a LOT, of intimate, passionate sex, and yes, Marie will certainly be using her tail. NOT like that! That’s just gross… Anyhow…
That’s all I have to her right now. Some glimmerings of other aspects of her, but really I just have a physical description. So Marie is paper-thin, a cut-out. She is not well fleshed out at all, except in the flesh. This fantasy/romance is dead in the water until I address my hang-ups and internal issues around women. So my question is simple… How do I stop? How do I train myself to see women as more than their physical features or what I could do physically with them? How do I move beyond the physicality and put myself behind the eyeballs of a woman, gaining some sort of understanding how they might see the world, the things they are experiencing or feeling, the stuff of concern to them, the stuff that matters to them, how their body affects them, hell even what masturbation is like for them compared to say a guy? How do I stop seeing woman as objects, as just the physical aspects?
I know some re-wiring is needed in my noggin’. I am OK with that. I think figuring this out might even make it better for me in my RL interactions with women. But at the very least I could write a female character than both men and women could enjoy. Being me, I looked for books on this subject and found nothing. I know someone has to have written about this. I also realize that as en empath and intuitive my inability to see women as individual human beings is going to get in the way for sure. I really want to gain this knowledge, this understanding. So please comment below if you have any book suggestions. Please DO NOT, for the LOVE OF GOD, suggest any “women empowerment” focused BS! Anything that attacks or undermines men to empower women is no bueno! I just need a, preferably spiritual, but at least compassionate voice that helps guys like me to think differently about women. That’s it. Any suggestions along those lines is very much appreciated!
OK, off to take Marie out on a date. For now all I can do is try to get to know her. Spend some time with her, as if she were a real person. Because she has to be real for me, in my own mind, to be real for anyone else in theirs.