At my other blog I talk more about this subject. I wanted to keep the focus at this blog more spiritual, more positive, of a higher frequency or vibration. But what kind of music has absolutely no low notes? How long would you want to listen to something with that thumping base, or the lower registers sung by a soulful voice?
For some of you this will be no surprise. You have perhaps gleaned it from a few things that snuck into this blog, that I wrote here before I transferred them, maybe even a few things that are still here and not yet moved. I have been through a lot and my life has not been pleasant. I have no room for complaints however. As bad as things have been, compared to some others, they pale in comparison. But I have still felt pain, the sting of rejection, the chiding voice of failure, the stern voices of my dad and his dad back through time telling me to work hard, stop complaining, etc.
Some years back I experienced such a large amount of pain that I began to entertain the though of killing myself. I continued to entertain this thought, as a way to be free, a way to escape, way out of a life I do not want to live, all the way until two days ago. For a variety of reasons I had been leaning towards renouncing suicide, which means I would be committing fully to life. But I was unable to find the impetus or drive, as I had when I was finally able to renounce my former Christian faith. But I have been reading Shaman Durek’s book, “Spirit Hacking“, and one of this hacks instructs how to bring underworld spirits into the light.
Now when I renounced my former faith I also turned my back on ideas of heaven, hell and purgatory. I came to believe that the afterlife is a vast place, and you will experience exactly what you expect to experience when you get there. I also believe that spiritual things are simple, not complicated, no need for ceremonies or rituals or anything like that. This teaching of Shaman Durek, about an Underworld we (human beings) have created, the exists in the Darkness, and which it is our responsibility to clean up, did not resonate with me at all. Furthermore that there are these Underworld Spirits (U.S.) that are the negative voices whispering in our minds, and we must bring them into the light.
I wasn’t buying it, and I am not sure I am buying it now. But I addressed the U.S. whispering thoughts of suicide, and I release it into the light, along with 2 other U.S. and after doing so, I was able to decide that I was going to renounce suicide and commit fully to life. Something had changed in me. I tried to do a video for The Circle talking about all of this. But it seems as if I had another U.S. that was causing me to feel irritable, slightly angry, giving me headaches and making me tired. Its task was to help me play small, to avoid my calling and to avoid getting hurt. Since releasing this spirit into the light I have had the desire and ability to write, this and a few other things.
I do not know what the future holds. I will continue to work with these Underworld Spirits, bringing them to the light, and at the same time I will continue to doubt their existence and the existence of this Underworld. I am just not sold on something that reminds me of those Christian beliefs I held so long ago. Maybe I an throwing the baby out with the bathwater here. I accept that I may need to re-evaluate certain things. And I accept that everything Shaman Durek teaches may be for real, and true. That this Underworld could very well exist, and could very well be populated by Underworld Spirits, who whisper negative things into my head.
Why are they doing that? I need to re-read the passage, as I do not thing the shaman speaks of this. He also misses that some folks, like myself, are psychic and can interact in all three ways (Audio, Visual, Kinesthetic.) I usually hear a voice in my head, not my own, not really heard as it is more telepathic rather than going through my ears. Sometimes I get images too. And I am definitely talking about I feel this or that. In any case it is my theory that these U.S. are the Universe answering our requests. These requests are typically unspoken and we are unaware of making them. Something happens, an event occurs or we experience something, and this brings about a desire in us that we typically never speak of. The U.S. comes as an answer to that request, to empower it and to give you what you asked for.
In my case the Underworld Spirit was helping me avoid getting hurt and experiencing pain, by helping me to play small and avoid my calling, to the point that I do not even really know what my calling may be. I just know that I am a builder and creator, and that I love to build and make things. I also enjoy taking things apart and learning how they work. I think at one point I wanted to be a singer, or a musician of some sort, and at the same time I was afraid of it for some reason, so I stuffed that desire down until it was extinguished. In the case of the U.S. that was whispering suicide, it was trying to make it easier for me to do this, supporting me in my desire to be free, to just run away.
I am sure that there is more work to be done. I must also open myself, and be receptive to, all the good I had been pushing away from myself, because I felt like I was unworthy, worthless, without value. The Underword Spirit whispering suicide was causing these feelings in me as well, as it would be very hard for me to kill myself if I felt things like hope, worthiness, self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence. I still have a fear in me that this change, monumental as it may be, will not be enough to “fix” things in my life experience. Strangely I didn’t even think about this fear when I committed filly to living. But it was there, holding me back, initially.
I don’t know what the future holds. I have no idea if the road ahead will continue to be rough and full of potholes, or if it will finally, finally smooth out. I only know that I will have to keep going on it, to its end, its natural conclusion. I have no other choice or option to consider now. I am left to figure out what I will do next. Things will likely change over the next few months. I am just going to try to flow, not force, my way along. Not going to try to make any particular thing happen. Just give myself some room to adjust, course correct and change as needed.
Whatever may lie ahead, may I embrace it, may I walk the Path of Light and Love to the best of my abilities, during my time here. May the future be bright, filled with hope and promise. May I fully embrace my calling, whatever it may be, and may I exhaustively explore the depths of my creativity, in whatever ways it wishes to express itself.