8-29-2022 – Life Update

So we have had a few weeks of 90+ degree weather, and as I have been focusing on content creation and streaming at YouTube and Twitch, and could not use my computer in an upstairs bedroom with no AC, I just have no had the time, or wanted to make it, to write anything here. But you, my readers, deserve regular posts and updates.

I need to be honest and up front with you. The best public reception that I have ever received for my work has been my writing here. If success is measured in readers, subscribers and views of a blog, then, because of you, I have been truly successful. The problem is that I do not want to be a writer. I do not find it fulfilling at all.

I write to express myself, to help if I can, to share things I have learned. I have tried many times to write a story and stick with it. But I have never been able to for very long. I might dive into NanoWriMo again this year. But I just can’t seem to do this whole writing thing. And it pisses me off, because I am a good writer, yet I have little if any desire to be one!

I guess I am broken, damaged beyond repair. Gonna be what… 47? 48? at the end of the year, and 50 looms large not far into the future. But I have nothing to show for my time here on earth. As far as I can tell, my life has been wasted on me. I wish I felt different. But I don’t. I am sorry I can’t be more positive and upbeat for you.

Just want to thank you – all my readers – old and new – for sticking with me all these years. Maybe ask the Universe on my behalf that I find some previously unrecognized love for writing and return to it. Start putting up the kind of spiritual material you likely come here for. I do have some new poems for you, and I will try to come up with some sort of scheduled regular writing time if I can. Not in the right headspace at the moment for writing poems. But perhaps there are other things I could share.

If I haven’t already mentioned, we had to move and now my parents and I are in an apartment. I have my own room, but dad and I are both beat up from moving, and we both need recovery time and a vacation. I am hoping to get a job so I can give my parents an amazing 50th wedding anniversary. I hope I don’t fail at that like I have at so many other things. I just want to stay at some natural hot springs resort for a month and heal. But I will not be allowed that, and now that school has started again, my dad will need help doing the work. I hate it, but I love my dad and he can’t handle the work anymore. He has made it clear he wants to retire, and if anyone deserves a break, it is him.

The school work will beat me up even more, and it hurts my spirit to have to do those menial janitorial duties. I don’t really have a choice. I co-created this shitty reality I experience with my parents, and as long as I am contributing my energy to it, it will perpetuate and that will be my life. I need to get out and stand on my own, not just so I can feel a little better about myself, but also so I can stop putting my energy into how my parents choose to live – the limited amount of good they will allow into their lives. My parents simply aren’t on the frequency or wavelength to ever be wealthy, or own their own home. But that is not good enough for me! I want money to provide for myself the life I want to live, the experiences I want to have and the freedom I wish to experience.

I just can’t figure out how to get there from here.

11-28-2021 – Is My Belief That I Need To Be Fixed Perpetuating Things That Make Me See Myself As Broken?

WOW! That is a LONG title! It comes after reading a few chapters at the end of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money.” Some of the things he is writing there helped me get a glimpse of something potentially life-altering.

Of course we have all heard how our true natures are love, or perfect, or some variation on this theme. I gather that I need to see myself as I really am in order for me to figure out how to define or label it.

The question I am asking myself is, if the key to accessing this is to let go of any desire or need I have to fix myself, in other words, if my perception that I am broken is blocking me from accessing my true nature, and in order to see myself as I really am I have to let go of the fixing, then, could it be that belief that I am broken, not enough, stuck etc. actually be creating those experiences in my life I define as negative?

I know this is not very clear and poorly written. Bear with me. Could it be that I am not broken? That, in fact, any such concept as me being broken, not enough, stuck, etc. is actually an illusion? I mean it is not who I really am, right? It is not my true nature? If it is an illusion, it is not real, meaning that the truth is I am not, never have been, and never will be broken, not enough, stuck, etc.

So in this quest I have undergone this last decade or so to fix myself and to address my internal issues I am essentially Don Quixote, chasing after windmills. The reality is there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing that needs to be fixed. There is no rut that I am stuck in. The self-sabotage and restless sleep, among other issues, that I have been experiencing are in fact symptoms caused by my belief in and ownership of them.

Could it really be as simple as letting go of this compulsion, this drive, to fix myself? And what would that mean for this blog? Mainly I have been using this as a place to share what I have learned. But if I already am everything I could ever be, do or have, and it is just a question of allowing it into my experience, of letting go of all opposing beliefs, what would be left to learn?

Maybe the desire to fix myself comes from the belief that I am not enough. Maybe it goes deeper, to some fear. Maybe I will finally be able to love and accept myself, to see myself as good enough, once I have let go of the belief, the idea, that there is anything broken in me, anything I need to fix, anything missing in me, or any way in which I could be coming up short. Maybe the actual solution is to stop chasing after things I need to address or change or fix.

I might have more to say on this later. Gonna sleep on it for now.

11-18-2021 – What Does Donald Trump Listen To?

Believe it or not, this is the most important question you could ever ask yourself! It is the most important thing you could ever Google. Because chances are, if you are reading this, you are operating at a similar frequency or vibration to my own. Meaning you are probably not one of the wealthy 3%. While it is possible one of members of this group could find and subscribe to this blog, it is unlikely. Because we tend to emulate in our outer world whatever is going on in our inner world, and we tend to operate at set frequencies or vibrations in our lives, unless we make some sort of substantial shift. We also tend to draw into our orbit, as it were, those operating at similar frequencies or vibrations.

So, if you are anything at all like me, you have no idea how to answer this question. You don’t know what Tony Robbins or Donald Trump or anyone other person in the 3% actually listens to or watches. Or reads, for that matter. But I can all but guarantee that the things they are paying attention to are generally of a much higher frequency or vibration that the things to which you and I are paying attention. So hopefully now you see why this question is so important. But there is an even better reason to ask it. You see, there is no way that I know of to teleport yourself into the Trump, Hilton or Robbins families. No way to live there with them and become saturated with, presumably, the sort of environment that, were you raised in it, you would not be sitting here, reading this. The sort of environment with endless opportunities to do truly be do or have whatever you want, the mindset to achieve it, and the support of close family as you pursue success.

Now maybe I am idealizing here, and I could be naive. But I doubt that the discussions around the dinner table in the Hilton, Trump and Robbins households is the same as the one around my own family’s. My dad is a janitor for crying out loud! My mom is an unemployed homemaker looking for ways to make money on the internet. They are always broke or short of money, and, let’s face it, they will never be millionaires. If that was something either of them truly wanted, if that was a natural state for either of them, if that way of living could become one they were comfortable with, then I would want that for them. I would be cheering them on. I want them to be happy. To succeed. To be able to pursue any long forgotten dreams or hobbies. All I can say is that based on over 40 years of living with them, their course is set. When they die they won’t leave anything for my brother and I, and will likely not even be able to pay for their own funerals.

I don’t say this for your pity, and if you are a family member reading this, please do not share what I have said with them! It is NOT my intention to hurt or offend. I am just stating the facts as I know them. Along with this is another troubling fact, and that is as long as I live with them, I will end up just like them, or worse. It is my comfortable or familiar zone. It is what I know and will allow myself to accept. I am soaked in 40 years of the kind of mindset that had my dad working at Safeway for 30 years, to now serve as a janitor. In fact if I wanted to I could inherit the job from him! Were I to become successful and wealthy I know I would find resistance somewhere in my family. That state is alien to just about every blood relative I have. So if my life as it stands (and as it will likely end if things continue as they have) is not good enough for me, what can I do to change it?

The answer is deceptively simple. I have to break out of the comfort or familiar zone. I have to break out of the rut, the habitual way I think (my mindset) and act. If my ultimate example is to become wealthy like Donald Trump or Tony Robbins, I have to think like they do. Which means I have to immerse myself in the things that they immerse themselves in. Hence the all important question, what does Donald Trump listen to? I think he is the better example to look into, because not only has he been wealthy, lost it and regained it multiple times, he set his sights on the presidency and succeeded. Whatever you may think about him as a person, can you think of a harder to achieve goal than to become the next US President? Because I can’t! If I immerse myself in the things which Donald Trump immerses himself, if I can virtually put myself there at his dinner table, and if I stay there long enough, that exposure will counter the training of my parents, and eventually cause me to become successful. If I could have a mentality that would set a goal like becoming the next US President and then reach it, then there is literally nothing, not one thing, I couldn’t do!

But how do I find the YouTube channels that have the kind of content that would immerse me in these higher frequencies or vibrations, this success mentality, for lack of a better word? They wouldn’t be like the stuff Tony Robbins does, who is always trying to sell something. The wouldn’t be looking for loopholes or shortcuts. Think about that for a moment… If you are looking for the “easy way” to do something, that implies there is a “hard way”, and once you have made the thing you want to do (becoming wealthy) hard, you have already lost! Becoming president is hard, and if Donald Trump had set out thinking that it was hard, and looking for an easy way to get it, he would have never won. It really is as simple as that. Donald Trump likely didn’t waste a single second thinking about order of difficulty, although I bet a lot of people “helping” him in his campaign did! Likely why so many were fired. He set his mind on becoming president, and in his mind he already was, even before he started. He had no time or patience for contrary voices, especially on his own team. I am almost certain of that.

So all these “easy way” investment channels, most of the “hacking” channels and any of these “this loophole” channels are all of a lower frequency or vibration that the one I am looking for, which is whatever the 3% tell their children as they raise them and talk about around the dinner table. I want to raise my mentality and develop a “wealth mindset” before I set out to learn how to invest or start a business. Because these channels operate at such a higher than average energetic frequency or vibration, they will not be super popular. That will be the first clue. They won’t have a lot of views or subscriptions, they won’t have donation or Patreon links, and they will not be selling merch. They will never talk about the “easy way” or “loopholes”, and much of what is discussed will be very high level, likely at the borders of my own understanding. They also won’t be very “new age” or spiritual. Probably won’t talk much about manifesting, visualization or affirmations. It’ll be practical stuff and content that supports the pursuit of success. As I write this I realize that maybe this kind of channel may not yet exist! Still, if it does I hope to find it. If you happen to know of any, please share a link in the comments below.

Just a few thoughts that came to me tonight I wanted to work out here in a post. I hope they help you in some way, at least to clarify what you are looking for, if you are seeking to break lifelong patterns of subsistence like me.

11-8-2021 – Thoughts On Self-Sabotage

In the book, “The Illusion of Money”, chapter 11, Kyle Cease talks about understanding. About chasing the person or thing that gave you this feeling of expansion, instead of moving towards expansion itself. I interpreted this as a sort of “high”, and when we do this we are like addicts chasing their first high. Of course chasing someone or something tends to push it or them away from you, just as resisting something only makes it stronger.

Anyhow I realized where I have been chasing my own “high”, and that is in video games. I have been chasing that feeling I get when I beat a tough level, or a boss, or the game itself. Or when I create something for a game, something I enjoy and am proud of. These ups when I play video games are really the only happiness and joy I am currently experiencing in my life, outside of the few instances I managed to get into the flow and have release myself of all attachments to outcome. But it is easier to play Minecraft than to get into and stay in flow.

Delving into this deeper, with the book, “Stop Self-Sabotage” by Judy Ho, I can see that this aspect of myself I have been referring to my inner saboteur has its principle roots here. According to here, these two roots are, “attaining rewards and avoiding threat.” The expansion, or “high”, is related to attaining rewards. Self-sabotage occurs when there is an imbalance, and your desire to avoid threat is greater than your desire to attain rewards. Of course all anger stems from perceived threats, usually outside our conscious awareness.

It comes down to patterns of habitual behavior and responses that were installed into our operating system when we were children, and had no defenses against it. These instructions are given to us by our parents or primary caretakers, who received them from those who raised them, ad infinitum. Nobody is ever taught, at least as far a I know, how to remove those old, outdated and useless instructions when we reach maturity. So they stay with us, something like the chains Scrooge will be dragging around again this Christmas.

So my question is… What is the best approach for me to end this self-sabotaging aspect of myself? Do I work through something like Teal Swan’s, “Completion Process”, or maybe Byron Katie’s, “The Work”? Or do I try to find a way to destroy it, delete this bad programming? Should I use self-hypnosis again? Not sure here. Just wanted to write this out as I attempt to synthesize these things. One thing I know for sure is that I want to stop sabotaging myself.

11-3-2021 – How Do I Stop Objectifying Women?

OK, so a brief message to anyone of any sort of feminine persuasion before you proceed… I may say some things you may be hurt by, or take offense to. This is not my intention. I have stumbled on another of my seeming endless list of issues, and I genuinely want to know how to resolve it. If a voice inside you is telling you not to read this, listen to it, and do not read this article!

So I am not exactly sure what to call this issue. As I understand it a (typically male) person is objectifying women if they see them as nothing more than a set of tits and a pussy. Essentially. Some might say James Bond exemplifies this. I am not sure. I think there is an equally dangerous trap to fall into if we start criticizing and judging people as objectifying women. Also let’s not forget that from a purely natural standpoint, the male human is only following his instinct. The “normal” or “average” male is all about mating and propagating the species, and is programmed to see women as the way to do that. And let’s be honest… A lot of males would be happier to just have essentially a living blow-up doll they could have sex with whenever they wanted. A lot less drama, a lot less pain, no fear of rejection – the benefits are endless. Women don’t get to score points for having winning personalities when it comes to an average joe like myself seeking someone to date, much less with which to mate.

That said, I am a writer (and I am still uncomfortable saying that) and, as a writer, I must create compelling characters to drive my stories, or nobody will read them. They will be absolutely worthless. Maybe some author out there somewhere managed to become successful using cut-out characters. But that has to be the exception, not the rule. Even Stephen King instructs writers to work on their characters. If anyone knows their shit when it comes to writing, he does.

Well guess what? You can’t create a compelling female character if all you see her as is tits and a vagina. Or in my case, tits, vagina and a tail. Please don’t ask. I am really struggling here. This grand vision obstructed by the simple fact I have to see my female protagonist as an actual person, as an individual., with hopes, dreams, fears (maybe.) I have to, in short, humanize her, even though she is not human. I have less issue with my male characters. I think I might objectify people in general, even males, but especially females. So I can get over the hump with the guys and create some characters I actually care about, as long as they are male.

It would not be fair for me to take the blame for this. I am certain that how I was raised was a HUGE contributing factor to this problem. On thinking about it, I realized I don’t even really see my parents as human beings. They are “parental objects.” I see their roles. I don’t think much at all about them as individuals. I did, for a brief period of time, think of them as once being children, and trying to see from that perspective, the child inside the adult. All us adults are children that grew up, but some of that child remains with us. But outside of that I have made little or no attempt to see my parents as anything more than their roles in my life.

I am sure this happened in part because I was taken out of public school. While in a normal public or private school, where all genders attend, you can’t help but learn how to socialize with others, make at least one friend, and see the opposite sex as fellow individuals and human beings. I am sure about that. Whatever you might say about having to go to school, count your fucking blessings! Because at least you won’t be sitting at a computer screen, 45 years old, feeling completely alienated from the human race, alone with no hopes of ever meeting anyone or having a relationship with another person! You will at least, even if you ended up in a similar situation to me, have those high school experiences to fall back on. And unless you are a psychopath or sociopath you will be able to see other people as individuals, not just objects. School will teach you that. As would having a sibling of the opposite sex. I never had that advantage either. But I imagine if I had a sister, I would not be objectifying women now.

In any case being raised in isolation, with little or no contact with members of the opposite sex, will seriously fuck you up! The few times you might have contact with a member of the opposite sex, you will likely embarrass yourself and not know how to act or what to say, causing you to not only be isolated but also to withdraw. That’s how it was for me. That and a heady cocktail of being laughed at in my face when asking the only available girl on the dance floor to dance, and being rejecting when offering myself to someone who had made it clear they wanted to loose their virginity – well these and other experiences have placed me here, wondering how in the fuck I am going to fix this mess. Because I can’t write anything with female characters until I do. And because fixing this for that also fixes things for me in real life.

Let’s face it… Women are intuitive, psychic, sensitive or some combination of these three, in varying levels, though they are not typically aware of it. So if I go up to a woman and ask her out on a date, assuming I could even get enough courage to do so, she will likely say no, because she will sense that I do not see her as a person, deep down. The only way she would say yes would be if she was lonely, didn’t really know what to say, was flattered or was simply trying to be polite.

In any case… My female lead/protagonist is a young “woman” named Marie. She is of a cat-like race of people and has a tail she uses just as well, if not better, than humans use their arms/hands/fingers. She is very sensuous, lithe, athletic. She walks around naked or with nothing on at all. Hey, it’s my fantasy! She is going to find or be found by my male lead, George, who is human and a lot like me. Actually Marie has some of my attributes, and George has some others. They are going to have a lot, and I mean a LOT, of intimate, passionate sex, and yes, Marie will certainly be using her tail. NOT like that! That’s just gross… Anyhow…

That’s all I have to her right now. Some glimmerings of other aspects of her, but really I just have a physical description. So Marie is paper-thin, a cut-out. She is not well fleshed out at all, except in the flesh. This fantasy/romance is dead in the water until I address my hang-ups and internal issues around women. So my question is simple… How do I stop? How do I train myself to see women as more than their physical features or what I could do physically with them? How do I move beyond the physicality and put myself behind the eyeballs of a woman, gaining some sort of understanding how they might see the world, the things they are experiencing or feeling, the stuff of concern to them, the stuff that matters to them, how their body affects them, hell even what masturbation is like for them compared to say a guy? How do I stop seeing woman as objects, as just the physical aspects?

I know some re-wiring is needed in my noggin’. I am OK with that. I think figuring this out might even make it better for me in my RL interactions with women. But at the very least I could write a female character than both men and women could enjoy. Being me, I looked for books on this subject and found nothing. I know someone has to have written about this. I also realize that as en empath and intuitive my inability to see women as individual human beings is going to get in the way for sure. I really want to gain this knowledge, this understanding. So please comment below if you have any book suggestions. Please DO NOT, for the LOVE OF GOD, suggest any “women empowerment” focused BS! Anything that attacks or undermines men to empower women is no bueno! I just need a, preferably spiritual, but at least compassionate voice that helps guys like me to think differently about women. That’s it. Any suggestions along those lines is very much appreciated!

OK, off to take Marie out on a date. For now all I can do is try to get to know her. Spend some time with her, as if she were a real person. Because she has to be real for me, in my own mind, to be real for anyone else in theirs.

09-08-2021 – Yes, I Am Still Here

I was working at doing one post every weekend. But a variety of things have conspired to cause me to break that habit, and I am not sure, considering my current experience, if I can re-establish it.

So the long and short of it is I was on vacation in the middle of August, I have been prioritizing making content at YouTube, and I have been trying to help my mom with her stuff. Then I had to help my dad, because he found he just didn’t have the energy to do his work.

Come to find out the lady we are staying with had tested positive for COVID, and after what must be the American equivalent of a Russian lad wrestling a bear, I got my parents set up to be tested, and my dad tested positive. My mom tested negative but has since been showing symptoms, and now I am.

So yeah, this wonderful feeling of dizziness, not having any energy, light headed, occasional coughing, vice grips on my skull constantly squeezing – you know the rub. I figured I better come in here and update you while I still am able to do some work today.

Appreciate your prayers if you are a religious type, and your healing energy if you are a spiritual type. I might try to do another post this weekend – we will see.

I hope you and your loved ones are well, and that you can escape this – and the whole vaccine fiasco. BTW, BOTH my parents were fully vaccinated. So if your government tells you that the vaccine will prevent COVID – that’s utter bullshit. If they try to sell you that it makes it easier to go through – that’s also utter bullshit. A vaccine is to vaccinate you against something. It is not to make it easier to get through it. The American government at least has some sort of agenda here. I am not vaccinated, and now definitely see no reason to subject myself to it.

4-26-2021 – Today I Learned I Need To Treat Confrontation Like A Loaded Gun

Some events have occurred, things were said, or rather texted, and now I am facing a difficult situation. As I was walking the dog tonight I realized a few things. The things I am feeling in the aftermath of this experience are the very same feelings I have felt in a variety of what I would call negative experiences throughout my life. In other words, I find I am repeating this over and over again, and that points to a deeply held belief. Maybe even a trauma. Something buried and ingrained deep within me. It is up to be to extricate it.

The other thing that became very clear to me is that I have to treat this ability I have to confront people like a loaded gun. I really do. It should only be used in the defense of the lives of either myself or other people, and only after extensive training. I should be as well trained in the use of confrontation as a police officer is charged to be with their weapons. When I am not using confrontation, it should be locked away, like a loaded gun. I need to practice confrontation safety. If I ever take confrontation out of its safe, it must be secured in a holster, and it must remain there until it is time to use it. Like some police officers with their gun, I am beginning to think that there will never be a situation in which I would need to draw confrontation from its holster.

I have committed tonight that I will no longer judge people, or assume anything. My mantra now is, “If I don’t have all the facts, I know nothing, if I know nothing, I assume nothing.” I think between holstering or locking up confrontation and no longer judging or making assumptions I will avoid any situations like this in the future. Because I never want to feel these feelings again. I hate them. I hate feeling this way. Honestly I hate myself. Or I am just really, really disappointed in myself. I know I failed, but I feel like a failure. The tough part is that the primary feelings wrapped up in this feeling experience are that an injustice has been done, mixed with a slow burning righteous anger. I stand in the aftermath of this experience, knowing that I have been wronged, that my punished is undeserved and honestly, unmerited. Maybe I said things that people didn’t like. But I didn’t hurt anyone, and at least part of what I said needed to be said.

Silence IS consent. If I had said nothing, I would not be having any issues right now, but lives would literally be at risk. I spoke up because I thought someone had to. I wasn’t aware that the situation was being handled. I would have preferred to keep my hands off it entirely. Ultimately it is not my responsibility. Only an idiot takes up responsibility that they don’t own. It is hard enough just being responsible for ourselves. To put it bluntly and briefly, one of the people who lives at this house where I live has been tested positive for COVID. We have no idea how long she had been sick before she got tested and told us. A couple of days ago she left to go downtown, just a few days into her quarantine. She was coming back as I was leaving to help my dad at work. She was not wearing a mask. She had driven out to get fast food. I told her mom, and that is where I should have left it. But her mother’s reply didn’t come off, to me, as taking it seriously enough.

I find out after the fact that this person’s mother had taken some precautions, and set things up so that her daughter would not have to come downstairs while in self-isolation. I had spoken to the daughter, telling her that she should not be going out as long as she tested positive for COVID. I found out that her mother had already spoken to her. I shouldn’t have said anything. I only spoke to the daughter because I was not aware that she had been spoken to by her mother. I thought nobody was doing anything. Because her daughter went out, AGAIN, and was out of quarantine for several house. That’s the gist of it, there is a lot more and the texts I sent her mom, as well as her mom’s reply. I will not go any further into this. But that is why I said what I said. Because, to my mind, if COVID is going to spread and kill people, it will be because of the actions of individuals like this woman’s daughter, self-centeredly going into town when they should be staying locked up at home.

I leave this as a public commitment and record. I have holstered and locked away confrontation. I never want to be like my parents, who rarely speak up for themselves and are always concerned how others feel. I never want to be like my brother, complaining about things to one person trying to bring them to his side when that same person is friends with the person he is complaining about. But I also no longer wish to judge or assume anything. Maybe this was how my parents and my brother once were, or maybe this is how I perceive them to be. But unless I could say definitively one way or that other that this is the way they are, I need to keep my assumptions and judgments to myself, as I do not have all the facts. I might still need to stand up for myself, but that is a little different than using confrontation. Because the intention, the mindset, is different.

Now I have to deal with the fallout. I have to make sure I do not cause any additional disharmony. Some will be inevitable. What I have been ordered to do is not something I can do, for numerous reasons. But while I live here I have placed myself under my parent’s authority, and I will follow their instructions, or leave the house entirely. I am not sure which course of action I will take. I have nowhere to go and am now waiting for my test results. Because if they are positive I will have to self-isolate and stay here until they clear. But it is time. It has been time for a long time. Time for me to find a way to stand on my own, to walk my own path, and I have committed to this tonight as well. From this point forward, I must walk my own path, to whatever cursed terrain it takes me.

I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the short end of the stick, I hate coming up short. I hate that other people seem to effortlessly interact with others while I struggle. I feel like there is something irreconcilably wrong with me. As if I had received bad or incomplete instructions after stepping off the factory line. I don’t fit and I never have. I don’t even know if there is a place in this world for me. I feel like a fraud, having all these awesome insights that will likely change people’s lives, if they don’t at the very least expand their horizons a little. Yet I can’t seem to get this whole life thing right. There is nothing more terrible that knowing how things should be, yet being unable to make the needed adjustments or fixes to make them that way.

I really am on the outside.

4-12-2021 – What The Hell Am I Doing with My Life???

I appear to have forgotten my commitment to writing at least one blog entry a week. Well here is this weekend’s entry, just a day late. Really struggling right now. I am NOT enjoying the cold weather we have been having! I am also NOT enjoying the constant annoyance of taking care of my parent’s elder dog! My complete dislike, even unhappiness, with my present moment experience is mixed with a couple of things… Worry about the future, certain thoughts I though I was done with, and this underlying old belief I have not been able to shake that I am not enough.

I caught it this time though, as I talked out loud while trying to get the damn dog to go poop. I said all these initial things, and that lead to this idea I am not enough. It started with the question of what I am doing with my life. The realization, or at least clarifying the thought, that I want to do more with it. And that lead to the underlying belief that I am not enough.

I was thinking about how even in an ideal solution, with my parents and I in our own places – me in my house or area and they in theirs – that even though I would have the space to exercise, where I would exercise, that I would be close to town, where I would get a job, and that I would also continue my writing and work at YouTube. Still, I would essentially be at the same dead-end I am at now. Doing nothing with my life.

But then I asked myself, what constitutes actually doing something with your life? My dad moved out, got a job, got married, had then raised my brother and I, then retired. But really what has he done with his life? Likely he will work until he can’t work anymore. He has no future plans – no more than I do.

I know I want to stand on my own, and that I want to travel the world. But how I am to go about accomplishing these things is beyond me. I suppose if I could at least find a way to stand on my own and support myself, as well as any family I have, that this would be a worthy enough goal. Perhaps my dad feels the same way.

I wish I knew exactly WHAT to do! What steps to take, what direction to point – SOMETHING. I am feeling very discouraged, frustrated, a little angry and super tired of everything.

3-29-2021 – Putting On My Glasses

Sometimes I just don’t have a title for an entry. This is one of those times. I figure a title will become apparent as I write. That’s how it usually works. Just a little peek inside this particular writer’s process, for those curious.

Today I sat down and thought about what I really wanted to do, in this case regarding Morrowind, OpenMW and the Construction Set (Morrowind’s Editor.) Last night I watched a video where my house mod, Amaya Lodge, was mentioned again. It made me want to return to Morrowind. Something there feels incomplete, unfinished, or maybe just unrealized?

I was having an extra hard time seeing the screen, and everything seemed so blurry. Some years back I did get prescription eyeglasses, but I have hardly have ever worn them. I donned them this afternoon, and everything became a lot clearer. But it also makes me a lot more depressed. I have to face it that I am getting older, and that my eyes just aren’t as good as they once were. Hell a lot of things are no longer as good as they once were!

I am 45 years old and going nowhere. The absolute best thing I have ever created or made is this house mod, and one other mod, for Morrowind, a game that peaked nearly 20 years ago, maybe a little less. This house mod, Amaya Lodge, and my other mod, Valenwood, are the only things I have done, that I can think of at the moment, that anyone cares about. Maybe some of my writing here has touched someone, and some of the words I have written here are treasured by someone out there, but I do not know it, I have not received any confirmation that this might be the case.

I have to face that I have been working at things for 20 years, and I have nothing to show for it. An once again I am faced with the fact that something I determined I would never do I have done. In this case, I determined that I would not work for 30 years somewhere and retire with nothing to show for it, like my dad. Well here I am, already 20 years on that path!

I am just going to have to face certain facts, certain realizations and things that have become more and more apparent to me. I am going to have to change quite a few things. I have to clean up the mess of my life to make room for a better one. I have to get clear on what I want to do, and be honest with myself about this. I have to figure this shit out, in other words. Because if I am still sitting here, 10 years from now, still having done nothing with my life, I would be better off dead.

I don’t need to be or do anything for others. I don’t need to get caught up in the doing itself and loose sight of the goal. I need to allow myself to be do and have whatever it is I want, and I have to embrace how I really feel. I have to work with my feelings, wherever they lead me. I have to find my own path and walk it, and I have to learn how to support myself while doing so. It seems as if designing in some capacity is one aspect of my life I need to integrate in some way, and writing is another. So that is what I will do.

As I now have to make putting on these glasses a habit, so the screen I am looking it resolves from a blurry mess into something legible, I have to “put on the glasses” in regards to the things in my life that have remained blurry, indistinct, out of focus. I have to bring these areas back into conscious awareness, and I have to deal with whatever has been hiding there in the corners.

But I have to admit, I am really feeling lost and discouraged about everything right now. I wish I had some reassurance that things would be OK, that they would work out. I wish I knew enough about what awaits me in the future so I could either course correct or run to it. No matter what we do, the future will always remain just out of reach. It will always be uncertain. It requires faith, trust and knowing that the Universe is guiding you in the right direction, and you have to allow the Universe to do so. But it is not easy, not at all.

I really hope I can figure this out…

I Am Having Trouble Finding My Christmas Spirit

I really want to get into a better state of mind, a more positive way of looking at the world – all the things that tend to happen this time for me at this time of the year. But the tank is empty. I just don’t have it. I don’t enough so I can enjoy Christmas, and I definitely do not have enough to help others enjoy the holidays. I am not Scrooge or the Grinch. I do not hate Christmas, I have no fear or anger. I am just empty, numb, and finding it hard to get into any sort of festive mood. I am sure I am not the only one, especially after this shitty year!

It would have helped if I had been able to manifest some money in some way, outside of funds I have received for my birthday and Christmas. It would have helped if folks had been donating at Patreon and now Donorbox. Buying my t-shirts at Spreadshirt and TeeSpring. Hiring me for gigs at Fiverr. Hell handing me an envelope of cash on the street! Then I could have gone out and done some shopping. I love to shop for gifts for others – especially when I know what they want and I have the extra money to get it. No price is too high for a gift as far as I am concerned. If I was a billionaire and someone I cared about wanted a house for Christmas, I would find the exact one they had been dreaming about, throw a wreath and a bow on the door, then wrap up the deed with the keys. They would have that under their tree. I seriously would. Being able to be Santa Claus in that way is something I will never get tired of. Never.

That would have filled up the tank with Christmas Spirit. But I am having trouble getting my folks to communicate with me about getting a card for the lady we stay with and her parents! I have money I have received for my birthday and will likely use that to at least get some cards. I have done this before. I got a present for me, Jeracraft’s thumbdrive. I am eagerly awaiting it! In any case, this whole coronavirus thing, all the issues with going out to shop and all the issues shopping online, getting stuff where it needs to go on time, besides having no money – it has seriously put a damper on everything for me.

It would also have helped, and will help, if I could get at least a couple of nights away somewhere, some place with an available hot tub and not too many people or the associated health risks. As I said at Facebook, I could really use some time away. I need a break – have needed one for the last 4 years. I have watched others travel, visit friends, do things – hell – even get married, and I am sitting here, doing nothing.

Speaking of getting married… I grow weary of everyone I know growing up, getting married and finding some sort of life for themselves. It makes me think there is something wrong with me. Because I have been unable to do any of that for the last 25 fucking years! One of my family members, who I was close to for a while, got married and invited me to her wedding. I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. Mainly because I had, up to that point, been to way too many weddings. I was suicidal at the time and knew that if I went I would probably end up killing myself. She will never know any of this and will remain angry at me and distant. It is for the best.

Yes, I have admitted it here. But if you didn’t suspect it by now, you haven’t been reading the things I have written very closely. I have been suicidal all my life, up until a few months ago. I don’t think I had come out and said it here yet, but maybe I have. In any case, I have thrown myself into a full commitment with life, but as this year winds down, and with what is looming next year, I suspect I made the wrong decision. But I am not giving up, I will somehow accomplish my goals by the time the least expires or we leave this place. I have no idea how, but I will. Failure is not an option – I am NOT living in the RV after next year, even if it kills me, both figuratively and literally!

All my hard work at YouTube, Fiverr, Spreadshirt and TeeSpring will pay off, or I will find other things that will. I know I am moving from this house into my own spaces and rooms in another! And I know I will find, somewhere, a little Christmas Magic, maybe in some lost corner of my spirit. I will gather it up, put it in my tank and enjoy the holidays. I will enjoy them even if I don’t get any presents, even if I do get presents but they are not what I need or want, and even if I am unable to give presents to all the people in my life I care about, that I love, that are special to me. I will get through this year, and I will emerge ready to go 10 rounds toe-to-toe with 2021. It will be an EPIC fight!

One of the first things I will find a way to address is my exercise needs. I will start with this cheap jump rope I purchased.