Who Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

When I was a little boy I loved to run barefoot through the soft, green grass. I loved to lay down on the grass and just watch the clouds float by. I loved to watch the sun set before I went to bed at night, and to watch it rise when I got up in the morning. When an adult asked me, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” I said, “I want to be someone who runs barefoot through the grass and watches the clouds.”

But my answer seemed to disappoint the adult. They asked me, “Are you sure you don’t want to be a firefighter, a policeman, a scientist or a doctor?” I vigorously nodded my small head no and again said, “When I grow up I want to be someone who runs barefoot through the grass and watches the clouds.”

Time and childhood passed quickly, as it often does, and I found I had become a young man. As a young man I liked to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook and make things on my computer. When I wasn’t doing any of those things I still found myself running barefoot through the grass and watching the clouds. When an adult asked me, “What do you want to do with your life?” I said, “I want to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook and make things on my computer. When I am not doing those things I want to run barefoot through the grass and watch the clouds.”

My answer seemed to disappoint the adult. They asked, “Don’t you want to do anything with your life?” Repeating myself I said, “I just want to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook and make things on my computer. When I am not doing those things I want to run barefoot through the grass and watch the clouds.”

More time passed and soon I found I had become an adult. As an adult I liked to read books, draw in my sketchbook and make things on my computer. When I was not doing those things I was either going to college or going to work. I had no time to play video games, run barefoot through the grass or watch the clouds. As each day passed I found myself less and less happy.

I got married, had a family and soon my sketchbook lay abandoned, the books I read were only to instruct, my computer was used only used to keep track of the finances and I only saw cartoons on the TV. One day my wife jokingly asked me, “What do you want to do with your life?” I said, “I want to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook and make things on my computer. When I am not doing those things I want to hold your hand, walk barefoot through the grass, and watch the clouds.”

My answer seemed to confuse my wife. She didn’t understand what I was trying to say. So she asked, “Don’t you love the children and I? Don’t you want to take care of us?” I said, “Of course I love you and the children, and I will always take care of you. But I miss watching the shows I like on TV. I miss having time to read a book that interests me. I really miss playing video games, drawing in my sketchbook, and making things on my computer. But most of all I miss walking barefoot through the grass and watching the clouds. What I am doing with my life is not what I want to do with my life. Please try to understand.”

Later that same day my little boy came to me and I asked him, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” My little boy replied, “I like to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook, sing and make things on my computer. When I am not doing those things I like running barefoot through the grass and watching the clouds. I also like to sit and watch the stars whenever you and mommy let me stay up late. When I grow up I want to be someone who does those things.”

I remembered what the adult had said to me so many years ago. So I smiled lovingly at my little boy, embraced him tightly and said, “If that is what you want to do with your life, then that is what you will do. You will watch TV, play video games, draw in your sketchbook, sing and make things on your computer. When you are not doing those things you will run barefoot through the grass and watch the clouds. Also from now on, you can sit and watch the stars for a little each night before you go to bed. Your mother and I love you, and we will support you in whatever you choose to do.”

My little boy gave me the biggest, brightest smile I had ever seen. I hugged him again, then after I released him I looked him straight in the eye and added, “… and don’t ever let anyone tell you that you have to do anything else with your life. Listen to your heart, follow your dreams and do what makes you happy.”

Then I took my little boy up to the attic, where I pulled out a big and dusty old box. I opened it up and took out the books I used to like to read, the video games I used to like to play, and the sketchbook in which I used to draw. I showed these things to my little boy and said, “When I was your age all I wanted to do is run barefoot through the grass and watch the clouds. When I grew a little older I wanted to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook, read and make things on my computer. When I was not doing those things I still liked to run barefoot through the grass and watch the clouds.”

“But when I became an adult I listened to what others said I should do and I did those things instead. I packed away all the things I loved to do into this box, where they have sat until this moment. Remember what I have shown you here today.” My little boy smiled, then ran downstairs to play.

Time passed, and I found I had become an old man. I no longer had to work and my children had left the house to start lives of their own. Now I had all the time I wanted, to do whatever I wanted. But my body was old, stiff and store. At best I could only walk slowly through the grass, wearing shoes. I could only stand outside so long before I had to sit down, and I could only sit down so long before I had to stand again. And I was always cold, so I could never stay outside very long, or I would get a painful cough.

I spent most of my time inside, reading books I could not remember I had read, trying to draw in my sketchbook with short, jerky movements and hands that always trembled. I had no interest in TV, video games or computers. One day my wife jokingly asked me, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” My answer, and my very last words to her, were, “I just want to be myself.”

This little story came to me as I stepped outside this evening to watch the sunset. I asked myself a question, “What if all I wanted to do with my life is watch the clouds?”

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Why is it that others have power over me, and get to decide how things will be?

I am in the middle of trying to figure out where I will go and what I will do after I graduate. I had a dream of attending Digipen institute, but that dream is now dying. As far as I have been able to determine, it costs $47,000 a year to pay for tuition, room and board. And I assume that is using Digipen’s housing, which crams 2-3 people in a bedroom, 4-6 people in a 2 bedroom place. Also, from what I have heard, the people you end up staying with are not good roomates.

What is bothering me right now are the following questions:
1. Why do others get to have power over me, when I did not give them that power?
2. Who decided that, for example, attending Digipen would be like this and cost this much?

Here’s the thing… Were I to somehow start tracking this down, I would find individuals that each contrivited a small part to this. I doubt I would find a single person that made things this way. If we looked at this like members of an orchestra, all I would find are the various members of the band. But who is the conductor?

Why can’t my college experience be what I decide it should be? Why can’t it be completely covered by Financial Aid, or a combination of Financial Aid and some sort of merit based grant or scholarship, which I would definitely get and definitely do deserve, having graduated from Clark College with a very high GPA?

Why can’t I just go and develop my drawing skills, level design skills and modeling skills? Why does programming even have to enter the picture? Who decided that?

Why can’t I live somewhere where, at the very least, I have my own bedroom, my own space, with a good lock on the door and reasonable monthly or quarterly or annual rates?

Why can’t I find a school that offers the perfect bachelors program for me, focused on art  and design within video games, taught by good instructors?

I simply do not understand why I must live in and and submit to any other person’s idea of “reality.” I don’t get why the current “reality” of video game college, or video game art design courses at college, is what it is.

I believe I can create my own reality. That if I change my mindset and my beliefs I can create the reality I want. I can have the life experience I want to have. But my faith in this belief is weakening. I have so far failed to change any of the current “reality” as it stands.

Somehow “reality” as it stands right now is stronger that even my strongest desire for the reality I want to experience. Somehow whoever is pulling the strings, or whatever group is doing it – they are far stronger that I am. Because the “reality” of the college experience being expensive, requiring loans and the game design college or course experience of requiring programming remains unchanging, as if set in stone.

Who is it that set these things in motion, created this reality, and maintains it with such an iron grip? How are they doing it, when all the manifestation principles I have studied have made it exceedingly clear that any negative intentions will ultimately fail?

I know and understand just enough to see I am missing something here. But I can not figure out how to take this any further. How to set out and reveal the shadowy figure(s) conducting this orchestra, or how to remove myself from their influence.

And now I don’t even have the dream of attending Digipen as any sort of goal for after I graduate. I have nothing. I do not know what to do. All I can do is stick my my principles.

But you can’t fill your empty belly with principles. You can’t shelter yourself from the weather with them either. Ultimately they are pretty useless. They only amount to one person, in all this orchestra, standing up and refusing to take instruction. But the cost of defiance is extremely high, and may end up costing me my life.

I wish I knew how “reality” was being defined so powerfully, so I could use the same methods to change the definition to something more in my favor.

Checking In…

I find myself in a strange place. I found the game Creativerse, and from that found Minecraft. Most of my free time was spent playing Creativerse during this last quarter or two at college. Now a lot of my time is spent playing Minecraft. These games hit all the right buttons. Solution Discovery. Building. Creating. They also have combat and survival. I am not so much into the combat of Creativerse, and finding it annoying but engaging in Minecraft. There is little to survival in Creativerse, but you have to feed yourself in Minecraft, which is annoying.

I never considered myself to be a cheater, but I use cheat commands in Minecraft. That is the only way to retain the items I am carrying on death and to fast travel anywhere in the world, because I die a LOT. I am currently spending my time fortifying a village. I knew there was one nearby when the zombie children started attacking me. I didn’t know where, I did look but decided to use the /locate Village command. Just easier. I found that, contrary to everything I had read, I had a village in the forest, positioned over a large crack in the ground! Very interesting! I died a few times getting the y axis (up and down) right, as the locate command just gave me y(?)

I could fly in Creativerse and not have to worry too much about dying from height. So I wouldn’t use commands like that in Creativerse, assuming they even existed. But they are essential in Minecraft. Because ultimately I am there to enjoy myself. I want to experiment and learn as much as possible. But I do not wish to spend countless hours and lives looking for some things. I actually find the mining to be relaxing in Minecraft so far. It is more stressful for some reason in Creativerse. Also in Minecraft there is something satisfying about pulling out my shield and sword and kicking the collective asses of any monsters that come near me.

I could claim, and rightly so, that I deserve this down time I now have. I have wrapped up just over a year at Clark College, and I consider myself to have also finished what I started between 2004-2007 at Lower Columbia College. All that is left are the formalities, I am a college graduate. I am graduating, with honors, a member of PTK, with a two-year degree in computer support. Why doesn’t this carry more weight with me? Is it because I see the system as ultimately broken, that I don’t truly believe for a second that this degree, no matter how high a GPA I have, guarantees me any sort of high-paying job that I would want? At least I am not expecting to graduate from a cracked bowl to a silver platter!

I am reading a lot of Minecraft books, many of which are now out of date. A lot of the old-timers who wrote them, a lot of the work featured in them, are all gone now. I am also reading Godfre’ Ray King’s, “Unveiled Mysteries.” As I read the fascinating accounts in this book, I can’t help but think about Myst and the whole universe Rand + Robyn Miller created. I wonder if they read this books and were inspired by them? Ancient chambers hidden around the world, from 14,000 years ago or more, sealed until such time as humanity is ready for them. I believe what I am reading. I hope I can, at least in astral form, “see” some of this for myself.

We think we are so far advanced in modern society today. But what this book and other sources teach us is that this is just one of many mighty human civilizations. The earth and humanity is far older than we have been taught. Also we constantly see how ancient peoples in our own age have been able to do things that we, even with our modern tools and processes, have been unable to replicate. Case in point I watched an episode of Forged In Fire last night, season 4, a scythe-like blade with origins from Africa called the Makraka.

One of the two finalist blacksmiths even referred to this fact. Here they are with modern forges trying to fashion a blade that how ever many hundreds of years ago the African people did with presumably rudimentary tools, no quenching oil. They probably used coal forges and water. Or maybe they didn’t even have that. Yet they could craft this complicated, curved blade that was sharp and powerful enough to behead someone or remove their limbs. One of the finalist blades couldn’t even cut all the way through a watermelon!

There are holes drilled in certain pieces of Egyptian architecture from a time when they did not have hard metal tools to drill with. These holes were drilled into sandstone. That was just one step, they also had to cut these huge stones and move them, and today we would be unable to move them even with our most powerful cranes!

It saddens me that we accept what they teach us in history class. That we never question the things they teach us. That we never explore any of these ancient mysteries. Then when someone postulates a theory about ancient civilizations like Atlantis we mock them. Yet we never leave our armchair. We never do more than read the books forced on us in school, and we think from that we have all the facts. Bullshit!

Back at the turn of the century a man was mocked because he believed there was an advanced civilization in the jungles of South America and the amazon. Those who mocked him were judging solely on the primitive tribes in the area. Yet just recently a scientist has had a plane go over certain parts of the jungle with LIDAR, and found not just new temples, but an entire vast city with roads connecting everything, all hidden under the jungle vegetation! Tens of thousands of people lived there, taming the jungle to do so!

Someone tells us the world is round and at best we laugh at them, at worst we burn them at a stake and declare them to be a witch. But time proves that the world is indeed round, a fact we all accept as truth now. We laugh at the primitive peoples and their shamans, but there are things we are learning from these people even today. I am disappointed with the human race in general. Disgusted even. How many more millenia will it take for us to throw off all the bullshit and garbage and become a permanently spiritually developed society? One with technological marvels and spiritual wonders to match?

But these questions are useless right now. I will graduate this June and then I must go somewhere. I must have somewhere to go. And for all my fuming and venting against my fellow humans, I can’t even figure out where it is I will go, or what it is I will do. I don’t deserve to criticize or judge anyone. I am a success and a failure at the same time. If I can’t figure out my own life, I certainly am not going to help anyone else, singularly or collectively, figure out theirs.

My only consolation is that at least I don’t go around assuming I know everything, and that the things people tell me are the absolute truth. At least I know better. I can feel out a thing and decide for myself if I want to believe it, and if the time comes to let a belief go, it is effortless for me. It never used to be. At least I have that. At least I am open more to mystery and the unknown.

What will I do next? I do not know. I did think about this once and figured out what I am here to do until the time of my departure. But I have forgotten. I did not write it down. Again I am failing. I struggle so much with certain things. I have to trust that I will remember, if it is important. And I know what I would like to do. I would like to attend the Digipen Institute in Redmond, WA. I would like to pursue a degree in Game Art and Design, continuing along the scholar path. It suits me. But I am relying completely on Source, and ultimately others, for the funds to do this. I may not have Financial Aid, and I will not take any loans. It has to be donations, grants, scholarships or some other channel Source may use. Will I get to go? We shall see. The end of the year will reveal all.

But I definitely need to address certain issues within me. Friend-keeping for one thing. I have been terrible at this. I play Creativerse and Minecraft online in part to make friends. An old friend recently contact me on Facebook, which I rarely visit and where I may soon delete my account. We talked a little but I seem to have no interest in communicating with him further. What is wrong with me? I want friends, then I don’t want to talk to them? I would rather play my games. But I am also feeling alone and very lonely. Why is it between the two undesirable choices of feeling lonely or communicating with another I gravitate toward loneliness, when I am so sick of feeling that emotion? So many questions and far too few answers. I wish I could understand. I wish I knew more. I hope I figure this shit out.

I am gonna go work on my fortifications for that village.

The Problem with Suicide

This is a subject that has been on my mind for some time now. I meant to come in here and write a post, but kept putting it off. I would like to say it is because I am too busy or something, and while that may be true, I am not sure I can honestly say that is the reason. Also I may have talked about this subject before. This post represents my current perspectives on it.

In our modern society, with the possible exceptions within certain cultures, suicide is looked on as something abhorrent. We don’t want to talk about it. We don’t want to support others in their choice of life termination. If you were to Google for a painless way to kill yourself, for some plant or something you could take so it wouldn’t hurt so much, you will find next to nothing.

That’s the other side of this whole thing. We want those who would choose to kill themselves to suffer. The Christian religion teaches that such people will go to hell. If someone came up to any medical professional and stated they wanted to kill themselves, and they wanted help, they would be locked away for an “overnight observation.” We simply can not fathom that anyone would want to do this. We can not accept it either.

If someone we know has killed themselves, we would be hard pressed not to feel affronted, hurt or offended by their actions. I have seen this issue from many different angles. From a friend who had a friend commit suicide, and how he (at that time he was a he) would not tolerate my then thoughts of killing myself. Giving me a guilt trip of how he had already gone through this. Then later I had someone I once called a friend kill herself.

Yes, initially I hurt. Why didn’t she talk to me about it? How could she, she was so happy with this young man she met online – he took her around the world. Then anger at her for doing such a stupid thing. But unlike my former male, former friend, I have come to accept what she did. I have come to see that it is indeed her choice, her right. I still wish I could have done something to help, so she wouldn’t have had to come to such a decision.

But now, if I had a friend come to me and say they were going to kill themselves, I know I would support them. Of course I would try to help them change their mind. I would do all I could without risking our friendship to get them to be absolutely certain about what they wanted to do. But if, after I had done all I could as their friend to help them reconsider their chosen course of action, they were still set in their course, I would assist them, help them, support them all I could.

Because you can’t honestly be a true friend to someone if you can’t respect their choices, if there is any limit in how far you will go for them. In this sense I have not been a true friend to my formerly-male friend. I was, and still am, unable to support them in their choice of gender change. So I speak only of ideals here, how I would prefer to be. The reality may be much different. We are all works in progress.

I have come to see that suicide is not a sin. It is not bad or wrong. If indeed we have reincarnated to these lives we now lead, and have chosen the initial circumstances and situations of our entry into this world, and if indeed this life is really a classroom where souls come to learn lessons they assign themselves, then suicide is just skipping class. Maybe we were not able to handle the lessons we were learning. I could no more judge a person for killing themselves than I would criticize a child for not going to school.

We expend far too much effort trying to control each other in a pointless, stupid attempt to find happiness in external circumstances. “If only she would do this…” “If only he would do that…” “If only they would do this…” “If only I could have that…” then I would be happy, then the world would be a better place, etc. Ridiculous! The world is perfect as it is, and each person is perfect as they are! There are no mistakes here, and no right or wrong, bad or good from all viewpoints outside the physical.

Still there is a problem with self-termination that I think it may be some help pointing out. Suicide is a very strong focus on what is not wanted. Think about that for a minute. Why do people kill themselves, or each other for that matter? Because there is something they don’t want. I know this to be true because the friend who killed herself did so because there was something she was experiencing she did not want to experience any longer. Her beliefs, her faith and religion, led her to believe that what she was experiencing was somehow evil, and this, so I was told, was why she killed herself. She has become one more victim, one of the millions since the start of recorded human history, to religious indoctrination.

It was the opposite for me. I did not kill myself, though I considered it many times, out of fear of going to hell. I had the same faith as my friend who killed herself. I don’t know how her fear of hell became less strong than her fear of what she was experiencing. I can only imagine the internal stresses that were likely going on inside her. It is one more reason why I want nothing to do with any religion. The last thing I need in my life are any beliefs that bring me fear, do not support me and try to control my behavior.

If my behavior were meant to be controlled, I would have been born with a remote! My parents could just press the Off button to send me to bed, and the On button to wake me up again. The Volume buttons to increase or decrease my volume. Change the channel if they didn’t like a particular behavior. Yes, I know this sounds silly but it demonstrates a solid point. We are born without a remote precisely because we are not meant to be controlled. We are human beings, not robots!

This is a classroom in the truest sense. There is nobody trying to steer us in any particular direction. We choose our own courses of action. We learn in the process of doing so. This is why we came here in the first place. Even the act of suicide teaches the non-physical aspect of us a lesson.

I don’t think suicide is a necessary course of action for anyone to pursue. Maybe some come into this world to experience it. But the majority of those considering suicide are too strongly focused on things they do not want, eventually driving them to do it. If they could focus as strongly on the opposite of whatever is driving them, maybe they could manifest whatever it is they want into the experience of their lives.

I know that for me I can no longer entertain the thought of suicide, even though I could certainly justify it, because when I am in that particular mindset I am unable to operate properly in the world. What I mean by that is that as long as I am thinking about suicide, I remain in a very dark and negative frame of mind. So it becomes very hard for me to be motivated. To care. I can’t smile or laugh. I can’t experience any happiness of joy. Most importantly of all I can not think about the things I want. The thoughts of suicide are just too big, they take up too much space. You can only be of one mind or the other, and that’s the main issue here.

Sure, it may make things easier, or at least it may seem like it would. And yes, whatever pain we are feeling would cease. But if life really is a classroom, and if our souls are really here in physical form to learn certain lessons, we are just going to keep coming back to the same issue, life after life, until we learn what we need to learn from it. It’s like restarting a race in a video game over and over again. How many times can you restart the race, playing the same section of tack, over and over, until you either quit the game or just let it go and allow yourself to proceed?

I know that may seem just as confining as any religious beliefs attempting to control your behavior. But there is no fear lurking in the background here. You focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want, because you enjoy life and the process of living more while you are focused on the things you want. If you withdraw and focus on what you do not want, living becomes very painful and unbearable. Why cause ourselves unnecessary pain? Aren’t we in enough pain already, to even be here, talking about this?

You are not alone. More than you realize. You are connected to every other being on this planet, this planet herself and even the entire universe. You are connected to the brightest stars in the sky and the darkest black holes. The energy of worlds is running through your physical body.

You are far more powerful than you realize. When you begin to think about the things you want with as much energy, focus, drive and passion as you are now focusing on what you don’t want and your ultimate response of suicide, you will, figuratively and literally, be able to move mountains. There is no limit to your power and the things you can do other than what you have set, or allow others to set for you.

So take all this energy you now have directed towards killing yourself, and put it on freeing yourself instead. Refuse to settle for anything less than the life you want to live, and then go out and live it. This is the very same process that I am learning, even now as I write this. May things be far easier for you!

You are also not alone in feeling alone. Feeling like you do not fit. That there is no place in this world for you. The simple truth is that if you shouldn’t be here, you wouldn’t be. The very fact that you are here means that you belong here and there is a place in this world for you.

Maybe you can’t get there in your mind yet. That’s OK. Just know that I know how you feel. I truly do – I am not just saying that. A few days ago I felt it so keenly. I feel like an alien. I see couples walking together, I watch people operating in the world, and I just don’t understand. I feel like there is some training I missed somewhere. I feel like everyone else knows how to be in the world except me. For me, everything feels so much harder, almost unnatural. I struggle. I want to say hi to other people, I want to make guy and gal friends. I want to have a girlfriend. But I am stymied by the whole process.

When I went to Sakura-Con, where people more like me were wandering around in the hundreds, I still felt completely alone, alien, like I did not fit in. I still feel even now that if I was normal, if I was like everyone else, I would have at the very least made some friends and possibly even gotten laid. Anime loves, video game lovers, geeks – these are the people to whom I most relate. And yet I still felt somehow different, separate – like I didn’t fit in, and my experiences at the Con reflected these feelings.

So I am not just another person talking out of my ass while I have a beautiful woman hanging off my arm, a couple of children, a nice house and all the other things we associate with someone who belongs, who fits into the world. No, I am writing this alone, living in an RV with my parents, soon to graduate next year, having made far too few friends during my year at college, and not having any idea what the hell I am going to do after I graduate and where the hell I am going to go. And I am far, far too old to be having these feelings. Everyone else my age, almost without exception, has a family and a place where they belong… A house, a home.

So when I say I understand, you damn well better believe I do! More than you can ever possibly know. And when I say that the way out is through, not quitting, not throwing up the white flag, you better damn well believe it is! I can speak with authority because I speak from my own experience. I have tried living with thoughts of suicide. I have tried keeping thoughts of killing myself in the back of my mind, on the back burner as it were, a possible escape hatch to get me the hell outta here if things didn’t work out. Neither were conductive to my success or any feeling of good.

I at least want to enjoy my life, as much as I can considering my circumstances and situation, and I want to succeed more than fail. I have found the only way I can do that is to drop any thought of killing myself, with no intention of picking it up again. I have not managed to completely release it yet. It is very hard, the sucker holds on very strongly when you are in the shit.

But my energy and focus is now more directed towards what I want to be, do and have. I am releasing myself self-imposed limitations, and things are starting to show up. Little things. But something is better than nothing. I’ll take some progress over none! Only time will tell if pushing through is worth it. Right now I fiercely believe, and will teach, that it is. But I won’t know for sure until I punch through the blackness and come out on the other side.

I will get through this! One of the nice things about it is that while I value life, I like to think that it will be easier to lay mine down if absolutely necessary, ad if no other course of action is available. I like to think I would not be panicking in some sort of situation where I could be killed. I no longer hate my life, but I am certainly not going to be unhappy to be freed from it, especially if I can accomplish anything meaningful in the act of doing so! Truly meaningful, not what the world defines as meaningful. This sort of detachment from any strong desire to live might be useful someday. I take small comfort in that.

For now I just do what I have to do. One step in front of the next. I focus as much as I can on the things I want. I take time to enjoy myself as much as I can. I deny myself few pleasures. And I remember to give thanks for every meal, every good thing that happens. I can even find the beauty in a cold, foggy and rainy fall day like this one. I look out and see how some of the trees appear to be on fire with all their bright autumn colors. I find I can appreciate beauty, whether it is some music I am listening to, some words I am reading or something I see. It keeps me going, keeps my feelings of alienation and loneliness in the background, like so much white noise. If I ever learn a better way of dealing with it, I will do that, and share it here.

No platitudes here in closing. Just simple Spock-logic: If you are thinking about what you do not want, you can not think about what you do want.

So practice thinking about what you do want. Let go of your thoughts of suicide. Try to shift all that energy and focus into what you do want. Refuse to take any less, accept no substitutes! Crusade for what you want and go after that with as much as single-minded purpose as you may have had up to this point towards killing yourself. Just give it a try. See if you can’t take life by the balls, make it squeal and give you what you want.

If you have tried everything, exhausted every option, and you still just want to end it and get the hell out of here, well, please accept this virtual hug from me first, then proceed with my blessing and full support.

You are not a failure – you did not fail, and you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. If your loved ones can’t accept your chosen course of action that’s on them. You have let others push you around long enough. if your loved ones can not support you in this, then their love is conditional, which means it is not absolute or true.

Bear no grudges! Forgive them, love them, release as much as you can as you leave. Take as little from this world as possible. Know that you are loved (you are, in fact, love) and someday, when you face these challenges again, you will make it through them. I believe in you, no matter what.

For all of us that choose to remain, keep on fighting! Believe you will get through this (we will all get through this) know it, claim it as truth.

Now turn up those speakers!

Dating Apps, Services, Sites – A RANT

BE WARNED! The post that follows is a rant, and may be highly offensive to some. It concerns my feelings and opinions about women and online dating.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I am not enlightened, as far as I know, but even if I was, I am still human, and I would still feel. The only difference is that maybe an enlightened person would handle their feelings better.

So last year I entered the online dating scene with OK Cupid, which I may have posted about here, or maybe at my tech blog. Briefly the things I encountered were:

OK Cupid’s system, like many other dating app and service systems, basically put me in a group with fat, older people because I am overweight and over 40. So the majority of the “matches” I got had nothing to do with what I wanted. They were all overweight, undesirable fat women. I have run across this again in a dating app I tried, only that app added women with children. Basically OK cupid and this dating app, and other apps and services, ignore completely what you write out as a preference. If you want to be “matched” with young, beautiful women, you have to list yourself as a young, beautiful guy. Be sure if you do this that you add  a disclaimer to your profile.

Many women demanded a number of courtesies, but could not be bothered to reply even to the nicest, most complimentary comment from me. I have run across this many times too. I never send dick picks, I never say anything like, “Hey baby, you’re sexy! Wanna come over to my house?” I always read the woman’s profiles, ALWAYS, and my contact always references their profile in some way, for those few women that even bother to provide a profile. I think in all my time at OK Cupid I received one response. In a dating app I am using, I replied to a woman and then she just stopped talking to me, for no reason and without explanation.

Something I noticed more now in the dating apps, but likely was present at OK Cupid, is a lot, and I mean a LOT, of women posting headshots. The do something, either using younger pictures, or photoshoping, or doing themselves up in some way, to hide the fact that they are really overweight. LISTEN ALL YOU FAT WOMEN! I understand why you are doing this. The majority of red-blooded males are not interested in you. I know how you feel, because I have liked probably a couple hundred women by now in various dating apps yet received no responses from anyone I liked. Those women probably feel about me the way I feel about you. But just stop it. You are not fooling anyone, and you are causing more pain for yourself and others in the long run.

I met someone in the Amino App not that long ago. She posted headshots, and they made her look like a highly desirable, sexy young woman. I was very interested in her. I started talking to her, we hit it off despite an extreme age difference. But then, a week or two into our “relationship”, she let slip something, and alarm bells went off, so I asked for some full body pictures. Understand I have never hidden the fact that I am overweight. Not once. Nor did I hide my age in this instance. She knew all about me, I was 100% honest with her. She sent the shots. She at least did that much. what I saw had nothing to do with her headshots. I saw a very fat, not even pretty female that only vaguely resembled her headshots. They were probably taken of her at a much younger age. I cut it off with her then and there. Not just because she was fat, not even primarily. But because she deceived me and lied to me.

So all your fat chicks, PAY ATTENTION! DO NOT DECEIVE, DO NOT LIE! If you think that you are still pretty sexy despite the fat content of your body, and there are some cases where this is true, post nude pics or pics where you wear very little, in good lighting, of good quality, showing your whole body. TO ALL WOMEN IN GENERAL! Stop holding back, if your app or service allows nude shots provide them. Nothing sexual, just you, naked, no need for makeup, doing yourself up in some way or photoshopping. This is one way of being 100% honest about yourself, what a potential mate will see when you two get to that point in your relationship. If you can’t do nudes, get as close as you can. Barefoot too, hide nothing. AND STOP THE SNAP CHAT DOG EARS AND FUNNY FACES!!!

Now to the really offensive stuff… I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANY LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP! That is why I put short-term or dating on my dating profiles. It is not that I am closed to going long-term, not at all. But I want one thing, and one thing only… YOU NAKED, IN FRONT OF ME, SOON LYING ON MY BED, SO I CAN PLEASURE YOU, THEN MAKE LOVE TO YOU. Have I made myself clear? The only thing I care about initially is sex. That is all that matters, that is all that is important. I could spend hours explaining myself to you, but I won’t. IF YOU DON’T LOOK GOOD NAKED, THEN I AM NOT INTERESTED. I will be the judge of how desirable you are. You may think you do not look good naked, but the only opinion here that counts is mine.

Some people look good naked, despite their age or excess body fat, because they are beautiful inside. Some look ugly, despite having a beautiful body, because they are ugly inside. Some girls I just see too many of, so I swipe left. How many mountain climbing, bicycle riding, dog loving tall blondes could there possible be in my area? At last count several hundred, just on the dating apps I am sure. I have nothing really against the typical tall, tanned, athletic blond woman. But I am an artist, and have an artist’s eye, and would like something a little more unique, if at all possible.

The plan here is to go out with you, and when you are ready, to pleasure you and then make love to you. If I enjoy how you look, and I enjoy you as a person, then I will want to continue being with you. Maybe we will choose to live together or get married, whatever it is you want. I want to enjoy your body for the next decade or so. I want to have copious amounts of sex, until I am satiated. I am like a thirsty man in a vast desert. When I find water, I will drink it until I make myself sick or kill myself. Because I have been far too long without it.

From these words you may get the impression I am some sex-crazed freak or maniac. Not so. If you knew what my life has been up to now, you would understand. I am a deeply spiritual person, interested in pleasing his lover and receiving pleasure in return. I am also very chivalrous and romantic. I am also a gentleman. I reserve the right to use any means at my disposal to get you naked and into my bed. But only insofar as you are willing. I will never use force of any kind. If I enjoy being with you, day and night, I will want to continue to be with you for as long as you want to be with me. While I do not subscribe anymore to religious-based patriarchal systems that seek to control women, I will still only be with one person at a time, and if that is you, then there will be no other until you have made it clear you no longer wish to be with me.

Which is why I also do not want to be with someone who has children. I can not satiate myself sexually if there are children in the picture. Also a child is a physical reminder that another guy has put his penis into your vagina (unless we’re talking artificial insemination or something.) Even though I may not be your first, I want at least the illusion that I am, by not having any evidence to the contrary. I am proud of the countless profiles I ave seen in my dating apps where the woman shows pictures of their child and/or says that they have children. If women could only be as honest about the current appearance of their body, I would be in seventh heaven!

Please do not misunderstand me. I do want to have children. I am not in any rush, I have YEARS of sex to catch up on before I have finally had enough, but I am willing to be a father, I wouldn’t even mind raising someone else’s child. But initially at least I don’t want to be with anyone who has children or has had children. Or has been married. Or is in a relationship. Single, available and without children – that is what I want. Also note that I have no STDs, and do not wish to receive any. That said I have no intention of wearing a condom. If you get pregnant, whether or not we are together, I will do my duty, on proof the child is mine. Your responsibility is to keep yourself clean, tell me if you have any diseases, or if you can’t have children for some reason, or any other physical thing going on.

If you have some strange genetic disease, cancer, or can’t have children that is not necessarily a deal breaker for me. There are many children that need good homes, so there are benefits to adopting when we are ready. If you are dying we can enjoy the time we have, and maybe I can influence you to heal yourself, or maybe you will heal, or maybe you will die and I will learn how to not be attached to you. But if you have anything communicable beyond the common cold I am not interested.

I am tired of all the bullshit, and I don’t have the time or the inclination to deal with it. You may be just as horny as me. Just be honest about it. Be honest about your body, the dis-eases it has, if any, and who you are. This whole dating/romance thing doesn’t have to be a game in order to be fun. Really who would enjoy a romance that plays out like a game of chess? Seriously! If I like you, contact me, even if it just to say you are not interested. Tell me that if it is true. If you want to give me a chance, chat with me. Go out on a date with me. I am holding nothing back here. You know what I want. Tell me what you want.

And for the love of God, leave politics and religion out of it! I am not sleeping with your god or you political views. They are not who you are. I am sleeping with you, who you are, your body, nothing more, nothing less. Throw out all that excess baggage you’ve been lugging around, release and let go of all your silly requirements (must be 6 feet tall because I wear high heels – I am, but seriously?) Strip all that crap off and the mask you wear as you will later remove your clothes and come to me nakedly just who you are. Is that really too much to ask? I promise I will be gentle with you, when we first begin to talk and when I later lay you in my bed. Or your bed. Or wherever we go. Don’t you want to be free to be yourself with someone? Just for once in your life?

I had to get these words out. They have been boiling and simmering inside of me for some time. I find these dating apps and services tedious at best. I am awkward and clumsy when it comes to talking to women in real life. I have no idea how to move from a pleasant smile and “Hi!” to “Would you like to go out with me?” Plus I have no car, no way to travel to Portland, where 95% of the women seem to be, I live with my parents in an RV, so the only privacy we can have is if I pitch a tent outside. I know I am undesirable and unattractive physically and circumstantially.

But I feel I have a right to have my needs met, and that it should not be like pulling teeth to do so. I am tired of being alone and missing out on things. I have a whole summer ahead of me, and I intend to get laid by the end of it. Preferably many, many times. I have to succeed this time. I am tired of failing. I am not a failure. I will succeed, and will do whatever it takes to make my desires happen, to meet my needs, and to make my dreams come true.

My Summer Reading List… and Some Music

Bit of an odd thing to post I guess, but I thought maybe some of you were curious as to what I am currently reading, or have read, this year. Also maybe place some music from YouTube in here that I have been listening to or working with. Leave a comment if you like this sort of post or not. I will do more if people like it or find it at all useful.

I have just started reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron:

I bought, some years ago, the slightly more expensive Complete Artist’s Way, but something at the time put me off the book. Resistance? Not at the right frequency or vibration? So it has been in storage for over a year now. Got this one at a book swap, and am studying it in the hopes I can turn on the idea spring inside me, because I am also studying Story Genius by Lisa Cron:

I want to write a novel according to this author’s process, but I need an idea I can run through the 4-step process. The problem is I have had few ideas for storiess for some time now.

Just finished You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay:
https://www.amazon.com/You-Can-Heal-Your-Life/dp/B00HU82ANK/

And just started All Is Well:
https://www.amazon.com/All-Well-Medicine-Affirmations-Intuition/dp/B00C7ETPJY/

You Can Heal Your Life is a book you will want in your library. You will be returning to it many, many times. Reading it once through is not enough. There is so much packed into such loving, simple words. I am sure All Is Well will be the same.

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne:

There are so many copies of this around my area. The movie is also on Netflix!

Benjamin Hoff wrote The Tao of Poo and the Te of Tiger. I just picked up the Te of Tiger for $1.00 at my local library. It looks to be a funny, loving but wise book:
https://www.amazon.com/Benjamin-Hoff-Te-Piglet/dp/B0089GD8BU/
https://www.amazon.com/Tao-Pooh-Te-Piglet/dp/014095144X/

My singing teacher lent me Feel The Fear… And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers:

I don’t agree with all of the positive thinking stuff. If you struggle, put effort into thinking positively, then things begin to fall apart. You can’t make positive thinking happen by sheer strength of will. I have written along this subject before, based on my experience with a book a read by Michael Beckwith. You have to work on how you feel, you have to envision what it is you want and gently keep returning to this things. You allow yourself to have a more positive mindset, it is never created by force. Mrs. Jeffers does allude to this a little. The main thing about this book is that it helps you see a lot of things, like when you are not really taking responsibility to working through fear. It really is a transformative text.

Speaking of fear:

Speaking of transformative texts, both The Big Leap and Learning To Love Yourself by Gay Hendricks are must reads. In them you learn about how you limit and sabotage yourself. You learn how to accept and love yourself. These books, like Louis Hay’s, will need to be read multiple times. I have been resisting going through each of them again. But I will. I do not want to forget the many valuable lessons I have learned from these books.

I am only human afterall:

Been diving in Seth again, this time with Dreams and Projections of Consciousness by Jane Roberts (AKA Rupert):

It’s interesting that when I first started reading the Seth material I found it very hard to get into. But without my noticing it has become easier to read. The same thing happened to me as I was reading the Zen of Creativity by John Daido Loori:

I caught it that time because it happened as I read it. But in the case of the Seth material, I returned to it and I found I could read it easier. Another channeled text I recommend is Emmanuels’ Book by Pat Rodegast:

Someone donated this or something to the church library where I sometimes help out. The librarian there wanted me to look at this, see if it was acceptable for the library. Unless the library in question is for Christian Mystics, this text would not be acceptable for the average Christian, simply because it is channeled from some entity given the name Emmanuel. Just as they wouldn’t like Seth or Abraham, they would instantly, without reading it, hate this book. Which is sad. Because I got it not long after I totaled my car, this and Taking The Leap got me through that time in my life and helped me see a lot of things about myself.

Wherever the words in the book originated from, they are eloquent, loving, almost poetic. There are simple illustrations scattered in it, and it just makes this a beautiful book. I would have loved to see it done in a nice hardback edition with quality paper. Still every time I open my paperback with the corner on the front that is creased and its yellowed pages I feel like I am being given the biggest, most loving hug. I start my day reading just a little of this. And even as it loving me enfolds me, it gently instructs me. Please check this book out!

Every time we read material like the books I have listed here, every time we make those inner changes, sometimes quite painful, we become a little more conscious:

Of course I am still studying ACIM, a project going on over a year now:

It remains very hard to read. But I continue through the reading and the exercises.

Something I have just started is Mastermind:

Which purports to teach you how to think like Sherlock Holmes. I hope the Mind Palace stuff is in there too. I am still reading Rainer Maria Rilke:
https://www.amazon.com/Rainer-Maria-Rilke/e/B004C1XNI4/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1498168394

For dating I am rocking The Geek’s Guide To Dating by Eric Smith:

Just got into the chapter on getting dressed for the date and am sensing I am in trouble there. Also You Probably Shouldn’t Write That by Lisa Hoehn:

For drawing I am working through You Can Draw In 30 Days by Mark Kistler:

For singing I am diving into Free Your Voice by Silvia Nakkach:

For fiction I am struggling through Tad William’s Otherland Volume 3 – Mountain of Black Glass:

Also 50 Shades of Grey because Lisa Cron says its an example of a good story:

I haven’t started it yet. Some more music I think:

From the end of the movie Collide. Here’s something unique:

Finally, in honor of the new Pirates of the Caribbean Movie:

May you find this list not only enjoyable and useful, but also transformative!

 

6-22-2017 – Status Report

I know it has been a long time since I have posed here. I could make excuses, all of them valid. I have been busy with college. I have been struggling with resistance. But the fact of the matter is that if something is truly important to you, if it truly matters, you will make time for it. In my case itr is not so much that this blog doesn’t matter. No, it is more that the other things I am pursuing matter more to me at this time.

But I wanted to come in here with a brief update. I guess to start with, just over a year ago in June, I headed to California on my bike, and ended up in Parkdale, WA., where I made my way back “home.” If home is where the heart is then my home is somewhere in California, or the Venice Canals, or Tokyo, even though I have not yet been to these places.

No, home for me is a motorhome my parents purchased, initially in Ridgefield, which is where I left, and now in Vancouver. That’s right, anyone coming to this page from Clark College. This Oswald Award Nominee and Recipient, on the Vice President’s list and now a member of Phi Theta Kappa, lives in a 30′ Class A RV parked on another family’s property with his parents. This 41 year old man, who has never been on a real date, never married, never had children, and other “nevers” besides, sleeps on a fold-down couch that hurts his back. He has no privacy, no hot water for a shower, and he gets to help his parents occasionally by draining out buckets of sewage and walking it to a sewer pipe located 200 feet or so away.

I say these things freely here. This is my blog. Maybe my only real home. If I can’t take everything off and let it all hang out here then I don’t know where else I would be able to do it. I will likely say little if any of this on the campus. I won’t bring it up in any conversation. I am not exactly hiding these things, but I am not going to boast either. I deserve to, and I have earned it, I am sure many would agree. But at this time I would rather keep quiet about all of this in the physical world. I know things posted here can leak out, but I am comforted by the fact that this blog is not very popular or well-visited. That suites me just fine.

I like this place to be a sort of meeting space, where like-minded people can hang out every once in awhile. I have made a few good friends here, and learned a lot in my years blogging. It’s nice to think that perhaps, just maybe, I have had some positive influence on the few who have come here. But back to…

So I am wrapping up my last year at Clark College. I am learning how to interact and socialize with people. I have made a few friends, but as long as I can count them on one hand it is far too few. I have installed a few dating apps on my phone: Brumble, Tinder, Clover and Blendr. Every day I left and right swipe numerous prospective females. Been contact just once, and the woman left the conversation without a word. I feel that maybe I can learn a valuable lesson here. That maybe I can use the LoA to my favor, and use the kinds of females I encounter on these services as a sort of guideline to my current vibrational level.

Speaking of Abraham-Hicks is speaking in Portland in just a few days. I really want to go, so if anyone has an extra ticket or something they would be willing to give me, please let me know! This time I will not go in with the wrong mindset like I did with I Am Light. I am learning more and more it is all about the flow, not force, not trying to make things happen.

After I wrap up at Clark I will graduate the following spring. Then I will either continue my education or seek out a job with the certifications I have earned. I have been studying Computer Support. As far as continuing my education, that will depend on whether or not I am granted an scholarships. I applied for the Foundation Scholarship at Clark, but was not selected.

When I am not in class or swiping left and right in dating apps I am drawing, which I have taken up again, learning piano, also something I have taken up again, and practicing singing. That’s new. I have learned I am a tenor, which is basically the male equivalent of a soprano. I just survived my first recital where I sung The Rose of Allandale. I am currently learning Let Me Fall and River.

I have also come to be aware of upper-limiting, and when I am doing that to myself. In addition to this I have come to see how I need to truly take responsibility, and when I am angry at something, I am not actually being responsible. So I have been making a lot of changes and using Habitica, an Android app, to help me establish good habits.

Still trying to get the whole novel writing thing figured out. Still studing LoA and manifestation and ACIM. Also started studying the process of dating. I honestly have no idea how to take things to the next level after I have started talking to a girl. Or I know and am making it hard on myself because of a lack of confidence. But at least I am going out and talking to various females, engaging them, making them smile.

I am learning a lot at this point in my life, and it isn’t just the college-related material. I am currently working on myself such that I no longer have anything inside me that would reflect my current life experience. That would instead reflect a better life experience, where I am with someone, standing on my own, living in my own place. Where I essentially have a place I call home.

OK, well I am falling asleep. Expect more updates through the summer as I am done (with school) until fall.

Life of Confusion

I find myself repeating old, limiting patterns again. It would be so much easier to play the role of a victim. To point out all the things that are making things so difficult for me. To explain how hard my life is right now. To express how much pain I am going through.

But the fact of the matter is that I have nobody to blame but myself. Every… Single… thing in my life, everything, is there because I asked for it to be there. There are no exceptions. All the bad, what little good I can recall.

For most of my life I have vibrating at a frequency of failure. Of “don’t notice me” when I am around others. While this is changing, I still vibrate at the frequency today. The end result is that I am alone. I started vibrating at this frequency, I suspect, out of fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of failure. Unless I figure out how to raise my frequency, begin vibrating at whatever the frequency is that attracts others of higher vibrations into my life, I will die alone and mostly friendless. I will die a total failure. This will never change until I change.

For most of my life I have also been vibrating at a frequency that, I guess is something like “work sucks” or “I don’t want to work” or “I don’t want to end up like my dad.” Maybe a combination of all of these. As a result, I have been sabotaging myself in every job I have ever had. I am sabotaging myself in my jobs on campus right now. Unless I find a way to raise my frequency and vibration I will keep repeating this until I am aware of whatever it is that is asking for my attention, or until I have learned whatever it is I need to learn.

I could find blame with the people I have worked for and currently work for. Just as I could blame others around me for not noticing me or rejecting me. But if my work is not satisfactory, if I am not happy with it, if I want more of a challenge, or more responsibility, or whatever, I have to operate at the frequency for it. Getting another job does not solve the problem. I will just bring it with me into my new job. It will haunt me until the day I die or simply kill myself. I will never be able to support myself or stand on my own until I kick this motherfucker to the curb.

If my life is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of my life what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency for the life I want, not the life I am currently experiencing. If my work is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of it what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency of the work that I want, not the work I am currently experiencing.

One of the people I work for here at campus left me a scalding reply yesterday. I struggled with how to respond. Do I defend myself? Unless I am guilty, why would I feel the need? Defending myself proves that I am in the wrong, and I know it. The fact of the matter is that what they have said about me is the truth. Not the entire truth or the whole truth. There are forces at work in all our interactions with each other that few of us aware of. But as I look back on my work at that job, I see how I have been doing exactly what he says I have been doing.

While his intention may have been to point out a wrong, I understand that what I am actually getting here is a message from the Universe calling my attention to something I have been doing but have not been aware of doing. The Universe doesn’t give a shit about right or wrong. That’s a human concern. The Universe simply wants me to be who I truly am. It is simply pointing out what I need to be aware of, what I need to address. Because it knows the desires of my heart, and it can see how my actions at my work are not in alignment with the desires of my heart.

When you bend your finger far enough you will feel pain. Proceed and you will damage your finger. The pain isn’t to tell you that you are right or wrong for bending your finger that way. It is there to warn you that you are about to hurt yourself. This message from one of my bosses is just like that. I am being warned that if I continue I will hurt myself. But unlike a normal person who would usually stop once they feel pain, and not hurt themselves, I seem to have at tendency to ignore the warning and cause myself serious damage. I have done it again and again. If these were bones in my physical body, I think I might have broken every one by now! Not just broken, shattered.

The question remains, what do I do? I mean I know I need to be more aware. I know I need to operate at a higher frequency in regards to my work. But how do I do this, and do it consistently, until I have created the inner change required? How do I keep from forgetting what I have come to understand today so I don’t fall back into my old limiting patterns?

A few days ago I pointed out to a friend that they needed to be more mindful when doing their math. But the least mindful person in the room was actually me. Sure I can be mindful with some tasks, like working on math. My advice was good. But for the greater parts of my life I walk through it in a stupor. I am asleep, not aware of what I am doing at all, my mind off into the future or the past.

If it is off into the future, I am typically worried about something. Or hoping for something. Both are based off fear. If I am looking back into the past I am picking the scabs off old wounds. I am lost in regret or sorrow. Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my past that I can appreciate or be happy about? Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my future that I could appreciate and be happy about? Why are there always heavy, gray clouds threatening rain over the skies of my heart? Where, for the love of God, is the fucking blue sky? Where is the fucking sun?

If I quit my job, or quit my life by killing myself, I have accomplished nothing. I have changed nothing. If I come into human form again sometime in the future, I am placing a burden on that person which only gets heavier the more it is passed on. Because each life adds to the weight of sorrow and internal garbage that I have been carrying around since God only knows when. How in the hell can I become the one version or incarnation or whatever of me that finally opens the bag, dumps everything out, and leaves all that shit behind? How can I keep my future selves from suffering the same fate as me? How can I keep going in this life under my current burden?

I have no answers. I don’t know what to do. Or I do but not how to do it. Or I know both and am not allowing myself to remember. I wish I had some guru or something that could slap me upside my head and wake me up long enough that I can remember whatever I need to remember, do whatever I need to do, and change whatever I need to change. Because I am tired of making the same old mistakes. I am tired of walking the path of my life alone, and forcing myself to be alone. I am tired of the kinds of work that keep showing up in my life, and my seeming inability to vibrate at a high enough frequency that better work could show up. Or that would improve my current work.

I am afraid of the future. I worry about what I will do after graduation. I know I am graduating next year. I do not have a low frequency when it comes to my scholarly pursuits. But I am worried I will just keep going to school and run away from everything I need to be aware of and address. I will stick to what I have been successful at but ignore the larger issues of my life. Or I will graduate and I will make it meaningless. I will have this piece of paper and these certifications, but not allow myself to have a good, high paying job that would utilize what I have learned doing my time here.

One thing only I know for sure. I can practice presence by being here, in this moment, with whatever I am doing. I do not know if I can keep it up. But I know that today I am aware that I need to practice awareness, and am doing so. I will take that with me into my work today, and whatever happens… I just wrote, “Hopefully I can raise…” What am I actually saying? That secretly I am afraid I will not be able to.

Let’s try again… I desire to, I wish to, I want to, raise my vibration and operating at a frequency that transforms my life and work experience more into what I want, instead of more of the same. I allow myself to feel what I feel. I surrender to everything I am experiencing in this present moment. I yield to my entire present-moment experience. I set the intention, right now, to raise my vibration and increase the frequency I am operating at, starting with my work today.

Hell

This body
is too old,
this life,
is too long

for this young spirit.

My soul
may be old,
my heart
is lined with scars,

but my spirit is young.

It belongs to a man
who never really enjoyed
his childhood
and the process

of growing older.

I want to carve into
this aging flesh,
let the life-blood flow out
into the ancient earth,

releasing my young spirit.

I want to teach
my soul a lesson,
that pain should never
be inevitable,

that suffering should never
be prolonged,
that by the time the flesh,
has reached its middle years,

some happiness
must have been found,
some enjoyment of life
must have been experienced.

You can not scare me
with threats of hell,
I am in hell,
with every breath I take.

I yearn to be happy,
I yearn to be free.

If i can release this pain
with something sharp,
a blade, a piece of glass,
draining it from me…

Maybe
when it is finished,
I shall finally find
happiness and freedom.

Hope is dream
of the pitiful,
the dirt a starving man eats
to fill his empty belly.

To dream
is to be delusional.
Better to accept
your awful fate

then to fight it.

A New Public Declaration

After much thought I have decided I am ready to take my first, consciously chosen step out of stasis and into a complete, full and open embrace of my life, exactly as it is in this moment. I have chosen to release my hand fully from the ejection seat lever, as referred to in my previous posts, Suicide – Part 1 and Suicide – Part 2. I am choosing, right now, in this moment, and from this moment on, to be aware of when the old patterns of suicide door-thinking come and to, gently but firmly, release them and let them go.

I hereby publicly declare that I am no longer entertaining thoughts of killing myself. I am no longer holding the ejection seat lever. I am no longer keeping myself in stasis. I feel I have suffered enough, that I have hurt myself enough. I am not sure, or am not consciously aware, of what I did to deserve my self-imposed punishment, but I am done spending time in emotional and mental self-flagellation.

I deserve to be happy, I am worthy, I can have the life of my biggest dreams and strongest desires. I can have the experiences that I have always wanted to have. There is no barrier between myself and what I desire other than what I accept from others, or put there myself.

I no longer accept the limitations of others, and I no longer give myself permission to hold back. Whatever happens, whatever my fate, it is time to live my life to its fullest. To take control of the stick and fly this plane the rest of the way, to be fully aware and conscious in my life and to be motivated by love – this is what I commit to do, from this moment forward.

I will move beyond my upper limits and see what is there. I am an explorer and problem solver at heart. These are two things I enjoy doing, and applying them to my Upper Limit Problems will employ them both.

Right now, from this moment on, I am living my life.