The Feeling

Waking up,
no energy, feeling weak,
feeling down.

Outside,
blue sky, clouds,
sun shining.

A breeze plays among the chimes,
I don’t know the words
that could explain this feeling,
or even describe it.

I only know that when it comes,
this little black book and pen,
finds its way to my hand.

Instead of me bleeding,
instead of me crying,
the pen weeps ink on this page,
the page begins to fill,
until, finally bereft,
the pen stops moving.

Or maybe, this ink is my blood,
transmuted through archaic processes,
from me through the pen,
and these words are the result
of all I must express.

All that demands expression, somehow satiated,
by the blood splattered all over this page,
in these sloppy yet organized patterns,
these squiggles we call words.

This feeling is an old familiar one,
comfortable in its familiarity,
but terrible in the act of feeling it.

No wonder as I bleed this ink
onto the page I feel an emptiness,
I identify as relief.

Why The Law Doesn’t Work

I watched a recent episode of Murdoch Mysteries, and it was about a murder that had taken place where the then Niagara Club, later the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People), were meeting. There were two groups represented. One group was of a “Go Along To Get Along” mentality, believing that by keeping their head down and working within the law, they would be safe. The other group believed that the law had to change, that they had to fight, and that the law was not written for them.

It made me think back to other things I have talked about, thought about or written about. For example, how gun laws do not stop criminals from getting guns. In fact, gun laws only create a marketplace for those who wish to sell guns, and they make it harder for law-abiding people to get them legally. The only people who are affected by gun control laws are law abiding people. If a criminal wants a gun they will get one, and if they can’t get a gun, they will use a knife. If they can’t get a knife, they will use a stick. If they can’t get a stick they will use their bare hands. Gun controls laws, in an effort to control the minority who would use guns to harm others, actually make it harder for the majority who need to defend themselves.

The laws of our society work similarly, and this is no surprise, because they are designed by the same groups and individuals. The law serves one purpose, and that is to control undesired and unwanted behavior. That’s it. There is nothing noble to serve here. The law is controlling, repressive and suppressive. It is not written and passed by the majority – in fact few people actually know the laws where they live. And it is purposefully written in hard to understand language, provided you can even find a way to access its volumes. This is no different than medieval times when most people could not read or write, and they were kept illiterate so they could be more easily controlled. It is yet another example of using some vast, sweeping measure to control a few undesirables, and in the end it negatively affects everyone.

The law uses fear to control people. The assumption is that if people are too afraid to break its tenets, if they are afraid of going to jail, that they will behave. There is another assumption as well, one that nobody acknowledges, but I am going to put it right here in black and white. That assumption is that without the rule of law there would be chaos.

We see this belief played out in movies like The Purge, where one day a year there are no laws and people can do whatever they want. We see vast hordes of people running around, beating each other, killing each other, committing all sorts of crime. But this is an assumption, and it is inherently false. Throughout human history there have been times where people lived far outside the reach of kings or queens or any controlling groups. And they lived peaceably with each other. In fact, were all the laws of our society to be repealed today, things would continue pretty much as they have. Almost everyone would continue their usual routines. That’s because man in general is a thinking, reasoning animal, not a rabid, snarling beast!

We trade our freedom for security, because we believe the lie that our fellow man is not to be trusted. That makes it easier for groups and individuals to control us, to keep their influence and power, not to mention the majority of the wealth. This is what you sacrifice on the alter of the law. And Law is a fickle god! At any moment those in power can break the law and do whatever the hell they want, and there is little if anything you can do about it. If you try they will pit your fellow man against you, those foolhardy enough to wear a badge and a uniform, thinking they are there to serve and protect, when in reality they are nothing more, and have never been anything more, than a boot on your neck. Don’t believe me?

How many people are abiding by the law in North Korea right now? And how are they being treated? How many bodies are still buried throughout Europe, from World War 1 and 2, left there by those obeying the law of the draft? How many bodies are scattered throughout the jungles of Vietnam and the sands of Afghanistan? Soldiers obeying orders, just about all of them. A few certainly from suicide or shot by their commanding officers for desertion.

How many young men were obeying Hitler’s law, and how many police officers insured that they did? How many American police officers all the way through Vietnam made sure that every man of serviceable age reported for duty, with dire consequences for those who did not? What happened to the families who tried to protect their children, tried to hide them? How many young men bought into the lie of duty and lied about their age to join? How many willingly marched right into the barrel of a gun or the explosive blast of an IED?

Your safety and security is an illusion. Keeping your head down only makes it easier to chop it off. If you want to go willingly to the chopping block, I am not going to stop you. Certainly the world will be a better place without you in it. It is people like you, people without a backbone, people who can not stand up for themselves and others, who have created the world I now inhabit. If you want to hide your head in the sand so be it. Again I am not going to stop you. But I am going to insist you stop lying to yourselves, your children and to me that we need the rule of law, or that what we have is better than nothing. What we have is broken and does not work.

Our prisons are filled with minorities, thrown in for non-violent offences like drug possession and use, while the real criminals, those who actually broke the law and stole money from the average law-abiding citizen in 2008, are still walking around free (just one example of thousands.) Furthermore the same corporation privately owns and runs many of these prisons, under various names, and they are getting paid to keep offenders in jail, so even once someone has served their sentence there is every likelihood they will end up right back inside. They system you so ignorantly believe in is designed that way. It has been made this way on purpose. There is no attempt at all to help prisoners integrate back into society.

The law doesn’t work, and there is little honor to be found in wearing a badge or a military uniform. I am certain there are believers in both causes, and perhaps some of these can find an honorable way to truly serve and protect their fellow man. And I am certain there are heroes to be found in both causes. But the vast majority will simply follow their orders without question or thought, afraid of loosing their freedom, life, position, rank or status.

Thankfully all fear-based systems like this ultimately fail. Maybe long after the damage has been done. But none have ever lasted, and none will. Eventually mankind will get smart enough to figure out that attempting to control the behavior of others ultimately does not work. Because the only reason to control the behavior of others is so that they don’t do things we don’t want them to do. When we try to control others like this, our happiness ultimately depends on the strength of our control, and since people will not be controlled for long, our happiness is bound to be short-lived. Better to find a way to be happy no matter what others may or may not be doing. Better to find a way to influence others without trying to control them. I know we will get there eventually.

2-7-2022 – Growing Pains

I have just gone through an experience that has left me overstimulated. That is the only word I can think of. I am feeling so many things I just needed the space and time to process. So I listed to Mei Lan Maurits, then Sylvia Nakkach as I did the dishes. It is very hard for me to wash dishes. I have come to realize that I have a trauma from childhood, and incident that happened when I was a child, that involved washing dishes.

But I knew the “mindless” activity of doing dishes, as I listed to this music, would help me to untangle the knot of emotions I could actually feel in my stomach. It affected a later bowel movement and caused me to need to drink some Kombucha. It was not anything I had eaten – it was my body’s reaction to the emotional tangle I have only, as I write this, managed to unraveled a bit.

As I finished my self-assigned task, another way I deal with doing dishes is I choose to, and only if my heart is in it, and only in my own timing, and only if I do not promise to do them. Those are the terms I have made with myself. Those are the terms I have established with my parents. Their agreement is not required. I choose. I decide. As I finished them, I thought maybe I needed to write something. So I eventually sat down here and began to type. I had no idea what I was going to write, and I still don’t. But I think I will be sharing a few things I have been feeling, going through or thinking.

There are two reasons I am aware of as to why I am not writing here more consistently and regularly. One is that I am still at odds with writing. The other is that I am focused almost exclusively on playing Minecraft and creating content with it for YouTube. I think maybe the reason I chose this path, a path at which I am likely to fail either from self-sabotage or just not having what it takes, is similar to why I have these terms for doing dishes, and why I have to listen to music when doing them.

I am avoiding thinking about the future. How in a few months we will likely have to move. I just can’t think about that. I still have no hope for the future. I am trying to do something that could have a future. There are people who make $4,000 on a single video at YouTube. If I could earn that much a month it would be enough to support myself. If I could earn more I could travel, have a hot spring vacation. I could heal and recover. I could stand on my own. But if I am honest with myself, I do not really believe I will succeed at being a YouTuber. I doubt myself, I don’t think I have that special something, that secret sauce, that makes others doing the same thing like Grian and Scar successful.

I know this is coming in part from the severe case of not-enough-itus afflicting me. Also little or no self-confidence or self-esteem. I know there are what Mastin Kipp calls SP’s (Survival Patterns) trying to direct me at a subconscious level along paths thought safe when I was a boy. I am working through his 40-Day Claim Your Power book right now.

I know these SP’s have also caused me to assume that I am broken, that I do not fit, that I do not matter, that I have no value, that I am, worthless, etc. They sent me on a never-ending quest to fix myself, a quest I have now abandoned. I have come to see that, no matter what anyone says or thinks, I am perfect as I am, exactly as I am, right now, in this moment. There is nothing broken in me that I must fix. Nothing I need to change. Nothing wrong with me and… The Universe makes no mistakes. If I am here then I am supposed to be here. There is not fitting in or not fitting in. If I didn’t belong here, I would never have been here.

So today I did my second official livestream. I know that being a streamer is likely not a path I will pursue. But it is a part of content creation I am exploring. If we never venture beyond the edges of the familiar we will never grow. We will become cramped in our lives, in the illusion of being comfortable. Like the genie in the bottle, inside all filled with cushions and luxurious fabrics. But the genie has been there hundreds of years. We have to stretch, just as our bodies had to stretch and change when we were children as we matured. Every flower must burst from the familiar confines of its bud, or else the bee will never be able pollinate it, and the flower will wither and die.

In the course of this livestream and afterwards I went through I a lot. I as attacked and betrayed, though I hardly noticed it. Still I think it is affecting me at some level I can’t readily identify. I ventured into the End and beat the Ender Dragon, beating the game. The fact it had been decades since I had reached the credits of a video game also had an affect on me. As did exploring the End Cities, getting my wings. That exhilaration from earning them. I went into the game as close as possible to what would be a reasonable level if I were playing the game single-player. In an SMP, especially a wonderful one like Philosophy SMP, folks are giving you things, offering you things, trading with you for things. I did my best to keep it real, and I really felt I had earned my wings.

Then afterwards the senior member of my party took us aside and talked about some stuff. During the debriefing I learned where I had come up short during our time “End Busting.” I admit that did sting, and I still feel like I need to make it right somewhere. But if I am honest, I truly did not know better, and I did the best I could to share and not be greedy. I also learned who had attacked and betrayed not only me, but also the other two members of my party, both of whom I had been friendly with, and now having to gotten to know them a little better, consider to be my friends. But going into that coming off of the high of all we had done together – that was rough. I was feeling exhausted, punch-drunk even, bewildered and overwhelmed. Strangely I felt no anger. I still don’t. But I do feel disappointed and sad.

I wanted to know why they did what they did, I wanted to understand. Now my not-enough-itus is rearing its ugly head, telling me I must have done something wrong., something to make them jealous or offend them. But shrugging it off as mere jealousy feels cheap. Doesn’t feel right. Even if I were to embrace that conclusion, I would still somehow believe and feel it was my fault. Despite the fact that on a conscious, logical level I know this can’t be the truth. Strangely it is a self-centered, the Universe revolves around me, mindset that presumes its about me at all. That somehow I have the power to make someone feel jealous and drive them to malicious action. Bullshit!

All trees are known by their fruit. If the fruit is rotten, small or tough, there is likely disease or rot in the tree, or its roots. None of us are responsible for the rot at the heart of another. That rot is there because they put it there. They likely did not know they were doing so. But at some level outside their conscious awareness, they made a choice. They decided how they would feel, or how they would respond, or what some happening meant to them.

Then they placed some value on it, labeled it good or bad, took a victim stance and shrunk around the hurt, the scar or the wound. This shrinking infects it, fills it with pus, makes it malignant, and, as all seeds sprout to reveal the truth of what they are, this retained, unhealed part of a person sprouts. It sinks roots deep down, well outside the individual’s conscious awareness then it produces its fruit, in this case a malicious act.

I am not angry. If anger comes I will embrace it. But I am sad. I wish it hadn’t come to this. I am sad for what happened, and I am sad for the state of these people. I don’t think I am criticizing or judging. It hurts me that they are so hurt. It hurts me that anyone would be so hurt. But I do not know how to help, or what the solution may be. And I know that ultimately, I must allow these individuals to walk their own paths. I must not interfere, out of love for them. We all have our burdens to bear and lessons to learn. May they learn theirs quickly, so they can emerge happier, more joyful than before! May they feel whatever it is they need to feel, and release then let go of whatever it is they must release and let go!

As for me I am doing what I set out to do. I wanted to reach out. I have been so closed off for so long. I have my own infected wounds I must cut open and heal. I wanted to connect with people and make friends, and I think I have. I am grateful for this. I am also thankful for the opportunities I have been granted. I do not know what the future holds, and as I said. I can not bear to think about it. But right now, in this moment, all is truly well. I am just a little tired, and i will address this right after I finish typing these words.

1-2-2022 – My New Years Resolution

I have been meaning to sit down here and write for a long time now. Today I finally had enough inertia to dust off my writing desk, open up this laptop and start typing. Unfortunately my thoughts are not very clear, so this will not be one of my better written pieces. Or at least I assume it won’t be. Maybe I should stop making negative assumptions about my creative endeavors…

Anyhow for the second week now, here on Sunday, I have sat down and watched Michael Bernard Beckwith, of the Agape Institute. It’s church for spiritual, non-religious folk like myself. He ties in the Bible with spiritual subjects effortlessly. You can check out the video which had the most impact on me here:

In that video everything he talks about was a synchronicity in my own life, in my own current studies. It was almost like he was speaking directly to me. Who knows, maybe he was. I had come to understand that my decades old quest to fix myself, to improve, has perpetuated things that I need to fix, or areas in which I need to improve. I have been doing all this to get myself out of the rut I have been stuck in, and into a life I actually want to live. That has been the whole purpose of everything I have studied since I left the Christian/Religious path and started forging my own way.

But I have been doing this while at the heart of me there is a voice whispering that I am not enough. Typically in the form of I am not good enough, or I don’t have enough skills or talent or whatever. I can’t recall it ever actually saying I am not enough, just always bringing up some area in my life in which I am lacking, and my lackluster life seems to support everything it says. But the truth, as I have come to understand it, is that my life is lackluster BECAUSE of my internal perception of myself, of the world, of life and the processes of living, of “reality.” In essence I expect to see that Life Sucks even when I utter these words. So, for me life definitely sucks.

Yet somewhere in the world there is a person sitting in their personal hot tub, or soaking on a 3-week sabbatical at an amazing hot springs resort (meals included), who is enjoying the everloving shit out of life right now, and for them life definitely DOES NOT suck! Even if I do not know this person, who they are or any details, I can assuming with %99.999999 accuracy that they exist. They or someone very similar to them. I can assume that there are many in the world who are not having a “life sucks” experience. Just as I can assume that there are many in the world that are having an even worse experience.

It’s an attunement thing. The people enjoying life right now, and in general, are tuned to a different station internally than the one I have been listening to. The ones having a worse life experience are listening to even more derogatory stations than the one I hear daily. It’s not about fixing anything, because nothing in me is broken. Hell the stations playing the negative stuff aren’t even broken! They are just doing what they have been instructed to do. It’s not about what I lack – what I perceive myself to lack lives only there – in my perception. I could meet someone tomorrow and for her, I could be absolutely perfect, lacking nothing. She might find me to be everything she needs and wants. I don’t see it, but maybe I am the only one blind to my inherent enoughness.

The Universe is a giant, sentient computer. A computer, once you put the parts together, just boots to a black screen initially. It’ll show you any BIOS it has installed, but after its first boot you just get a blinking cursor on a black screen. Waiting. For what? Your instructions. So you install Linux or Windows, and now the computer boots into an operating system. But what does it do after all the OSes initial instructions? Sits there, waiting. It’s a very expensive paperweight, unless you tell it to do something. That is all programming is, by the way. Just telling the box to do something.

I think the Universe is just like that, but it has a sentience behind it. On your birth, you begin to program the Universe. You tell the Universe your expectations, based on your beliefs and perceptions, and the Universe merely executes your commands. I am sure it hurts when you tell it to hurt you, but it is long-suffering and patient. I think the Universe hopes that someday you will stop telling it to hurt you and start giving it instructions to bless you, and it is literally bursting at the seams with goodness for you! But it can’t give you any of that until you command it to. Until you give it your instructions and permission.

Flowers don’t pay taxes for sunlight, oxygen and water. You will find them growing even in multi-billion dollar corporations. Nobody can or ever will charge them for the space they take up. And as long as they have the environmental support they need, they will bloom and emanate their scent for all to enjoy. They do this freely. They are given the gift of life, and all that is needed to make a flower happy, and flowers turn around and give that right back to anyone and anything around them.

One of my assumptions about life is that it sucks. That it is hard. That it is a struggle. That the Universe doesn’t care. When I was a Christian I often felt God didn’t care. Different words, same thing. But it is impossible that the Universe doesn’t care, that it doesn’t hear me, that it doesn’t even listen. Because the life I am currently experiencing is proof that it has heard me loud and clear! I dug a hole, filled it with shit, and dove in. Then I started complaining it wasn’t a hot springs. It wasn’t a nice house with my own hot tub. That there was nobody to share my shit pit with. Who would want to dive in here with me? What woman in her right mind would want to live with a beat up, 46-year old man who still lives with his parents, who doesn’t have a job and little interest in getting one, and who doesn’t really know how to stand on his own two feet?

But look how derogatory and negative I am being towards myself! The fact that I can say this shit about myself proves, beyond any shadow of a doubt, the internal monologue that has been going on. That I am still listening to the whispering voice that only tears me down. So what if I am 46? Beat up? Unemployed? Living with my parents? None of that really matters. Or rather, any value that gives or takes away from me only exists in human perception. It doesn’t take away from my innate value at all.

I am still worthy of love, I am still deserving of being loved. Even if I choose to stay in this shit pit, I deserve to be happy, and to share it with someone. Nobody can take that right away from me. It is the inherent right of every living being on this planet to be happy in whatever way is natural for them. And the Universe wants all beings in all Creation to be happy. It is infinitely abundant, and has enough for all!

I am slowly, very slowly, coming to understand that I am perfect as I am. That there is nothing broken in me. That I am not lacking in any way. There is nothing that needs to be adjusted or fixed. I am still struggling with believing that life is good, or the Universe cares about me. I am not sure how I will come to believe, feel and KNOW these things.

But I do know I want out of this shit pit. That I do want to find a way to stand on my own, some way in which I can serve and be recompensed with abundant amounts of money. And I know I want to meet someone to share my life with. In other words, I know where I want to go, but I am not sure how I will get there. However I am trying to convince myself that I will get there. That I will find my way and arrive at my destination in a timely manner. Like by the end of this year, for example.

Let that be my New Years Resolution, one that I intend to keep. One that I will keep. By the end of the year, I will be in the experience of a life I actually want to live! I will be in the experience of an amazing life, with a bright future and desirable present. I am planting my flag right here. Let it be so!

Amen!

11-28-2021 – Is My Belief That I Need To Be Fixed Perpetuating Things That Make Me See Myself As Broken?

WOW! That is a LONG title! It comes after reading a few chapters at the end of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money.” Some of the things he is writing there helped me get a glimpse of something potentially life-altering.

Of course we have all heard how our true natures are love, or perfect, or some variation on this theme. I gather that I need to see myself as I really am in order for me to figure out how to define or label it.

The question I am asking myself is, if the key to accessing this is to let go of any desire or need I have to fix myself, in other words, if my perception that I am broken is blocking me from accessing my true nature, and in order to see myself as I really am I have to let go of the fixing, then, could it be that belief that I am broken, not enough, stuck etc. actually be creating those experiences in my life I define as negative?

I know this is not very clear and poorly written. Bear with me. Could it be that I am not broken? That, in fact, any such concept as me being broken, not enough, stuck, etc. is actually an illusion? I mean it is not who I really am, right? It is not my true nature? If it is an illusion, it is not real, meaning that the truth is I am not, never have been, and never will be broken, not enough, stuck, etc.

So in this quest I have undergone this last decade or so to fix myself and to address my internal issues I am essentially Don Quixote, chasing after windmills. The reality is there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing that needs to be fixed. There is no rut that I am stuck in. The self-sabotage and restless sleep, among other issues, that I have been experiencing are in fact symptoms caused by my belief in and ownership of them.

Could it really be as simple as letting go of this compulsion, this drive, to fix myself? And what would that mean for this blog? Mainly I have been using this as a place to share what I have learned. But if I already am everything I could ever be, do or have, and it is just a question of allowing it into my experience, of letting go of all opposing beliefs, what would be left to learn?

Maybe the desire to fix myself comes from the belief that I am not enough. Maybe it goes deeper, to some fear. Maybe I will finally be able to love and accept myself, to see myself as good enough, once I have let go of the belief, the idea, that there is anything broken in me, anything I need to fix, anything missing in me, or any way in which I could be coming up short. Maybe the actual solution is to stop chasing after things I need to address or change or fix.

I might have more to say on this later. Gonna sleep on it for now.

11-18-2021 – What Does Donald Trump Listen To?

Believe it or not, this is the most important question you could ever ask yourself! It is the most important thing you could ever Google. Because chances are, if you are reading this, you are operating at a similar frequency or vibration to my own. Meaning you are probably not one of the wealthy 3%. While it is possible one of members of this group could find and subscribe to this blog, it is unlikely. Because we tend to emulate in our outer world whatever is going on in our inner world, and we tend to operate at set frequencies or vibrations in our lives, unless we make some sort of substantial shift. We also tend to draw into our orbit, as it were, those operating at similar frequencies or vibrations.

So, if you are anything at all like me, you have no idea how to answer this question. You don’t know what Tony Robbins or Donald Trump or anyone other person in the 3% actually listens to or watches. Or reads, for that matter. But I can all but guarantee that the things they are paying attention to are generally of a much higher frequency or vibration that the things to which you and I are paying attention. So hopefully now you see why this question is so important. But there is an even better reason to ask it. You see, there is no way that I know of to teleport yourself into the Trump, Hilton or Robbins families. No way to live there with them and become saturated with, presumably, the sort of environment that, were you raised in it, you would not be sitting here, reading this. The sort of environment with endless opportunities to do truly be do or have whatever you want, the mindset to achieve it, and the support of close family as you pursue success.

Now maybe I am idealizing here, and I could be naive. But I doubt that the discussions around the dinner table in the Hilton, Trump and Robbins households is the same as the one around my own family’s. My dad is a janitor for crying out loud! My mom is an unemployed homemaker looking for ways to make money on the internet. They are always broke or short of money, and, let’s face it, they will never be millionaires. If that was something either of them truly wanted, if that was a natural state for either of them, if that way of living could become one they were comfortable with, then I would want that for them. I would be cheering them on. I want them to be happy. To succeed. To be able to pursue any long forgotten dreams or hobbies. All I can say is that based on over 40 years of living with them, their course is set. When they die they won’t leave anything for my brother and I, and will likely not even be able to pay for their own funerals.

I don’t say this for your pity, and if you are a family member reading this, please do not share what I have said with them! It is NOT my intention to hurt or offend. I am just stating the facts as I know them. Along with this is another troubling fact, and that is as long as I live with them, I will end up just like them, or worse. It is my comfortable or familiar zone. It is what I know and will allow myself to accept. I am soaked in 40 years of the kind of mindset that had my dad working at Safeway for 30 years, to now serve as a janitor. In fact if I wanted to I could inherit the job from him! Were I to become successful and wealthy I know I would find resistance somewhere in my family. That state is alien to just about every blood relative I have. So if my life as it stands (and as it will likely end if things continue as they have) is not good enough for me, what can I do to change it?

The answer is deceptively simple. I have to break out of the comfort or familiar zone. I have to break out of the rut, the habitual way I think (my mindset) and act. If my ultimate example is to become wealthy like Donald Trump or Tony Robbins, I have to think like they do. Which means I have to immerse myself in the things that they immerse themselves in. Hence the all important question, what does Donald Trump listen to? I think he is the better example to look into, because not only has he been wealthy, lost it and regained it multiple times, he set his sights on the presidency and succeeded. Whatever you may think about him as a person, can you think of a harder to achieve goal than to become the next US President? Because I can’t! If I immerse myself in the things which Donald Trump immerses himself, if I can virtually put myself there at his dinner table, and if I stay there long enough, that exposure will counter the training of my parents, and eventually cause me to become successful. If I could have a mentality that would set a goal like becoming the next US President and then reach it, then there is literally nothing, not one thing, I couldn’t do!

But how do I find the YouTube channels that have the kind of content that would immerse me in these higher frequencies or vibrations, this success mentality, for lack of a better word? They wouldn’t be like the stuff Tony Robbins does, who is always trying to sell something. The wouldn’t be looking for loopholes or shortcuts. Think about that for a moment… If you are looking for the “easy way” to do something, that implies there is a “hard way”, and once you have made the thing you want to do (becoming wealthy) hard, you have already lost! Becoming president is hard, and if Donald Trump had set out thinking that it was hard, and looking for an easy way to get it, he would have never won. It really is as simple as that. Donald Trump likely didn’t waste a single second thinking about order of difficulty, although I bet a lot of people “helping” him in his campaign did! Likely why so many were fired. He set his mind on becoming president, and in his mind he already was, even before he started. He had no time or patience for contrary voices, especially on his own team. I am almost certain of that.

So all these “easy way” investment channels, most of the “hacking” channels and any of these “this loophole” channels are all of a lower frequency or vibration that the one I am looking for, which is whatever the 3% tell their children as they raise them and talk about around the dinner table. I want to raise my mentality and develop a “wealth mindset” before I set out to learn how to invest or start a business. Because these channels operate at such a higher than average energetic frequency or vibration, they will not be super popular. That will be the first clue. They won’t have a lot of views or subscriptions, they won’t have donation or Patreon links, and they will not be selling merch. They will never talk about the “easy way” or “loopholes”, and much of what is discussed will be very high level, likely at the borders of my own understanding. They also won’t be very “new age” or spiritual. Probably won’t talk much about manifesting, visualization or affirmations. It’ll be practical stuff and content that supports the pursuit of success. As I write this I realize that maybe this kind of channel may not yet exist! Still, if it does I hope to find it. If you happen to know of any, please share a link in the comments below.

Just a few thoughts that came to me tonight I wanted to work out here in a post. I hope they help you in some way, at least to clarify what you are looking for, if you are seeking to break lifelong patterns of subsistence like me.

11-8-2021 – Thoughts On Self-Sabotage

In the book, “The Illusion of Money”, chapter 11, Kyle Cease talks about understanding. About chasing the person or thing that gave you this feeling of expansion, instead of moving towards expansion itself. I interpreted this as a sort of “high”, and when we do this we are like addicts chasing their first high. Of course chasing someone or something tends to push it or them away from you, just as resisting something only makes it stronger.

Anyhow I realized where I have been chasing my own “high”, and that is in video games. I have been chasing that feeling I get when I beat a tough level, or a boss, or the game itself. Or when I create something for a game, something I enjoy and am proud of. These ups when I play video games are really the only happiness and joy I am currently experiencing in my life, outside of the few instances I managed to get into the flow and have release myself of all attachments to outcome. But it is easier to play Minecraft than to get into and stay in flow.

Delving into this deeper, with the book, “Stop Self-Sabotage” by Judy Ho, I can see that this aspect of myself I have been referring to my inner saboteur has its principle roots here. According to here, these two roots are, “attaining rewards and avoiding threat.” The expansion, or “high”, is related to attaining rewards. Self-sabotage occurs when there is an imbalance, and your desire to avoid threat is greater than your desire to attain rewards. Of course all anger stems from perceived threats, usually outside our conscious awareness.

It comes down to patterns of habitual behavior and responses that were installed into our operating system when we were children, and had no defenses against it. These instructions are given to us by our parents or primary caretakers, who received them from those who raised them, ad infinitum. Nobody is ever taught, at least as far a I know, how to remove those old, outdated and useless instructions when we reach maturity. So they stay with us, something like the chains Scrooge will be dragging around again this Christmas.

So my question is… What is the best approach for me to end this self-sabotaging aspect of myself? Do I work through something like Teal Swan’s, “Completion Process”, or maybe Byron Katie’s, “The Work”? Or do I try to find a way to destroy it, delete this bad programming? Should I use self-hypnosis again? Not sure here. Just wanted to write this out as I attempt to synthesize these things. One thing I know for sure is that I want to stop sabotaging myself.

11-3-2021 – How Do I Stop Objectifying Women?

OK, so a brief message to anyone of any sort of feminine persuasion before you proceed… I may say some things you may be hurt by, or take offense to. This is not my intention. I have stumbled on another of my seeming endless list of issues, and I genuinely want to know how to resolve it. If a voice inside you is telling you not to read this, listen to it, and do not read this article!

So I am not exactly sure what to call this issue. As I understand it a (typically male) person is objectifying women if they see them as nothing more than a set of tits and a pussy. Essentially. Some might say James Bond exemplifies this. I am not sure. I think there is an equally dangerous trap to fall into if we start criticizing and judging people as objectifying women. Also let’s not forget that from a purely natural standpoint, the male human is only following his instinct. The “normal” or “average” male is all about mating and propagating the species, and is programmed to see women as the way to do that. And let’s be honest… A lot of males would be happier to just have essentially a living blow-up doll they could have sex with whenever they wanted. A lot less drama, a lot less pain, no fear of rejection – the benefits are endless. Women don’t get to score points for having winning personalities when it comes to an average joe like myself seeking someone to date, much less with which to mate.

That said, I am a writer (and I am still uncomfortable saying that) and, as a writer, I must create compelling characters to drive my stories, or nobody will read them. They will be absolutely worthless. Maybe some author out there somewhere managed to become successful using cut-out characters. But that has to be the exception, not the rule. Even Stephen King instructs writers to work on their characters. If anyone knows their shit when it comes to writing, he does.

Well guess what? You can’t create a compelling female character if all you see her as is tits and a vagina. Or in my case, tits, vagina and a tail. Please don’t ask. I am really struggling here. This grand vision obstructed by the simple fact I have to see my female protagonist as an actual person, as an individual., with hopes, dreams, fears (maybe.) I have to, in short, humanize her, even though she is not human. I have less issue with my male characters. I think I might objectify people in general, even males, but especially females. So I can get over the hump with the guys and create some characters I actually care about, as long as they are male.

It would not be fair for me to take the blame for this. I am certain that how I was raised was a HUGE contributing factor to this problem. On thinking about it, I realized I don’t even really see my parents as human beings. They are “parental objects.” I see their roles. I don’t think much at all about them as individuals. I did, for a brief period of time, think of them as once being children, and trying to see from that perspective, the child inside the adult. All us adults are children that grew up, but some of that child remains with us. But outside of that I have made little or no attempt to see my parents as anything more than their roles in my life.

I am sure this happened in part because I was taken out of public school. While in a normal public or private school, where all genders attend, you can’t help but learn how to socialize with others, make at least one friend, and see the opposite sex as fellow individuals and human beings. I am sure about that. Whatever you might say about having to go to school, count your fucking blessings! Because at least you won’t be sitting at a computer screen, 45 years old, feeling completely alienated from the human race, alone with no hopes of ever meeting anyone or having a relationship with another person! You will at least, even if you ended up in a similar situation to me, have those high school experiences to fall back on. And unless you are a psychopath or sociopath you will be able to see other people as individuals, not just objects. School will teach you that. As would having a sibling of the opposite sex. I never had that advantage either. But I imagine if I had a sister, I would not be objectifying women now.

In any case being raised in isolation, with little or no contact with members of the opposite sex, will seriously fuck you up! The few times you might have contact with a member of the opposite sex, you will likely embarrass yourself and not know how to act or what to say, causing you to not only be isolated but also to withdraw. That’s how it was for me. That and a heady cocktail of being laughed at in my face when asking the only available girl on the dance floor to dance, and being rejecting when offering myself to someone who had made it clear they wanted to loose their virginity – well these and other experiences have placed me here, wondering how in the fuck I am going to fix this mess. Because I can’t write anything with female characters until I do. And because fixing this for that also fixes things for me in real life.

Let’s face it… Women are intuitive, psychic, sensitive or some combination of these three, in varying levels, though they are not typically aware of it. So if I go up to a woman and ask her out on a date, assuming I could even get enough courage to do so, she will likely say no, because she will sense that I do not see her as a person, deep down. The only way she would say yes would be if she was lonely, didn’t really know what to say, was flattered or was simply trying to be polite.

In any case… My female lead/protagonist is a young “woman” named Marie. She is of a cat-like race of people and has a tail she uses just as well, if not better, than humans use their arms/hands/fingers. She is very sensuous, lithe, athletic. She walks around naked or with nothing on at all. Hey, it’s my fantasy! She is going to find or be found by my male lead, George, who is human and a lot like me. Actually Marie has some of my attributes, and George has some others. They are going to have a lot, and I mean a LOT, of intimate, passionate sex, and yes, Marie will certainly be using her tail. NOT like that! That’s just gross… Anyhow…

That’s all I have to her right now. Some glimmerings of other aspects of her, but really I just have a physical description. So Marie is paper-thin, a cut-out. She is not well fleshed out at all, except in the flesh. This fantasy/romance is dead in the water until I address my hang-ups and internal issues around women. So my question is simple… How do I stop? How do I train myself to see women as more than their physical features or what I could do physically with them? How do I move beyond the physicality and put myself behind the eyeballs of a woman, gaining some sort of understanding how they might see the world, the things they are experiencing or feeling, the stuff of concern to them, the stuff that matters to them, how their body affects them, hell even what masturbation is like for them compared to say a guy? How do I stop seeing woman as objects, as just the physical aspects?

I know some re-wiring is needed in my noggin’. I am OK with that. I think figuring this out might even make it better for me in my RL interactions with women. But at the very least I could write a female character than both men and women could enjoy. Being me, I looked for books on this subject and found nothing. I know someone has to have written about this. I also realize that as en empath and intuitive my inability to see women as individual human beings is going to get in the way for sure. I really want to gain this knowledge, this understanding. So please comment below if you have any book suggestions. Please DO NOT, for the LOVE OF GOD, suggest any “women empowerment” focused BS! Anything that attacks or undermines men to empower women is no bueno! I just need a, preferably spiritual, but at least compassionate voice that helps guys like me to think differently about women. That’s it. Any suggestions along those lines is very much appreciated!

OK, off to take Marie out on a date. For now all I can do is try to get to know her. Spend some time with her, as if she were a real person. Because she has to be real for me, in my own mind, to be real for anyone else in theirs.

Inspiration

5-7-5 Version

Falling rain is glimpsed,
Against the backdrop of green.
The long dry spell ends.

Flow Version

Falling rain becomes visible,
Against the background of green boughs.
A long drought has ended.

Desire, Passion and the Gray Cell

So this post ties in with my previous post. I wanted to talk about what Napoleon Hill means when he says you have to know what you want. What Wallace Wattles is talking about when he writes of a strong desire. Or what is meant by having or holding an image in mind. Here, in as down-to-earth terms as I can write it, is my understanding of this.

Have you ever tried to learn to play the guitar? Steel string, acoustic guitar. If you haven’t, let me tell you what I don’t think many of the books mention. You have to cut your fingernails down to nothing, and keep them trimmed. If you have large fingers, or inflexible fingers, you have to position and hold them powerfully in place in uncomfortable ways. You will likely bleed if you are not used to hard work, and have tender skin on your hands. You will develop calluses, but it takes a LONG, long time, and then you will have these strange, unfamiliar rough bumps at the end of your fingers. So how does anyone learn to play the guitar?

Simple… They love the guitar so much, that their passion for the instrument makes them pick it up whenever they can and practice. I had a friend who lived with my family for a while, and I would often see him just reach over and pick up his guitar, to hold it and finger it, as you would if you were to play. But he was just practicing finger positions. It was an almost unconscious gesture, and urge like you would have to pick up the hand of your lover whenever you are walking together. You have to have AT LEAST as much interest, obsession and passion for the guitar to get you through learning it.

But if you really, REALLY love the guitar, if you see yourself as a guitarist, as the next Mark Knopfler or Jimmi Hendrix, well that desire is even stronger. You go to sleep dreaming of your guitar, or songs, or fingering on the fretboard. You wake up and write out a song, or grab your guitar to finger it. You go to work, and even if you work a 10 hour day and are dead on your feet, the INSTANT you get home and see your guitar waiting for you on its stand in the corner, you are almost pulled there. If you get to this level of passion, you will master the instrument, and this is the first step towards being an innovator with it. If there are any guitarists here who will pitch in, please do.

This is what “having a strong desire” means. It is something you carry with you, living rent-free in your mind, always there at the edge of your awareness. You are always thinking about it, whatever it is. Could be playing guitar, singing, dancing, painting, writing – anything creative. You are already ahead of the game, because you already know what you want to do.

However in order for you to know what you want to do you have to be aware of it. This is what “knowing what you want” means. This awareness could have come to you in childhood, when a fireman pulled you from the blaze. You knew from that moment on you would be a firefighter. Even if you were just a scrawny kid, you would try to bulk up. You would get beat up at football. You would never stop trying to become a firefighter until you first put on your uniform and slung an oxygen tank over your shoulder.

Others discover what they want to do later in life. There are no time limits – NONE. If you want to learn how to dance ballet, and you are 90, if you can still walk, move and bend reasonably well, you can learn ballet. And if you want to learn ballet, you won’t let anyone tell you no. You will simply move on until you find someone who says yes. Stephen King did this with rejection notices until he was published. Anyone remember the movie 8-Mile?

Now its been a long time since I saw this movie, but if memory serves we have this scrawny white kid, in MICHIGAN, who is passionate about Hip Hop. He wants to rap. He wants to be an MC. He wants this at a time when only black guys were really doing it. And Michigan for crying out loud! I am assuming it is NOT The Hip Hop capitol of the world. But Marshal Mathers is undeterred, and if you ever get a chance to listen to Kamikaze, there is some real skill and talent on display there.

So substitute, “Knowing what you want” with “Becoming aware of what you want.” I think awareness is the key here. That leads to acknowledgement of the desire, but then you have to move to the next step and allow yourself to pursue it. You have to accept and embrace your desire, no matter how silly it seems, no matter how many people tell you its stupid or wrong or just tell you no. No matter how many times you are rejected and kicked to the ground, you have to get back up again. Your love for this thing that you want has to be strong enough to get you through that, and through all the practice you need to get to the level you want to reach.

Which brings us to a question… What do you do if you don’t have anything you want to do with that much energy, fire or passion? How do you move from simply wanting to do something to wanting it so badly you are pursuing it? You are broke, in the projects, and you want to learn to play the guitar. How do you move from, “I would like to learn to play the guitar” to “I don’t know how I am going to get one. I will steal one if I have to. But I will learn to play the guitar!” NOT that I encourage stealing, I use this as an example of how strong this has to be.

If you can’t think of a single thing that you feel compelled and drawn to, then I am right there with you, in the exact same boat. The closest I ever got was when I went to Clark College. The person in charge of the music hall – can’t recall the exact building name – but the place where music was taught and where the practice rooms were located – they let me, and any Clark College student, come in and practice, whether or not they were a music student, as long as a room was free. I came in and started to learn piano. I really came to enjoy this time. Even when I was tired between classes and my work study job, even when it was late, if I could get some time in there I did. I miss that. But I don’t think it was enough desire to drive me to learn the piano no matter what.

I can’t think of anything I wanted to be when I was a kid, and if I did have anything, I probably smothered and killed the desire. Murdered it by ignoring it and never acting on it. I suspect at one time I wanted to be a singer. I do remember singing to the radio, and I have a deep love for music. In fact when I was living in the RV with my parents my only private space was sitting there, on the sofa, earbuds in place, listening to music. It is how I relieve the pressure of anger. It allows me to cry, something that has become increasingly hard for me to do.

A life without a passionate desire for something is like living in a dingy gray cell, gray clouds outside – no birds, no sunshine, no joy. And as you locked yourself in there, only you can free yourself! That is probably the most accurate description of my life I can give. The only bright spot in it is the content I make for YouTube. That’s it. And I have realized I may have to set it aside and get a steady job, because it is time I get out on my own. I am not sure my YouTube creative work will survive that.

Worse for me is that I have a penchant for writing, but no desire or passion for it. How the fuck do you iron out that wrinkle? How can you be good at something and not want to do it at the same time? I dunno. I have no answers. But hopefully what I have written here will clarify things for you. If you are locked in your own dingy gray cell, the way out is to acknowledge and accept whatever it is that you want to do passionately enough that it will compel you, even drive you to practice it. If you have that you have a way out, and I am happy for you.

Please get out of your cell and make your art. Do whatever it is that is calling to you. The worlds needs you, it really does. Sometimes only stumbling on the creative result of someone else’s passion do we find our own. Hell I didn’t know I had any interest in dancing until I saw some of the Step Up movies! Now I wish I would meet some pretty dancer girl, learn some moves, maybe fall in love. That’s all you’re allowed in the Gray Cell. Dreams. Nothing real, nothing substantial.

Break out. And if you can find a way to break me out, please do.