My Summer Reading List… and Some Music

Bit of an odd thing to post I guess, but I thought maybe some of you were curious as to what I am currently reading, or have read, this year. Also maybe place some music from YouTube in here that I have been listening to or working with. Leave a comment if you like this sort of post or not. I will do more if people like it or find it at all useful.

I have just started reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron:

I bought, some years ago, the slightly more expensive Complete Artist’s Way, but something at the time put me off the book. Resistance? Not at the right frequency or vibration? So it has been in storage for over a year now. Got this one at a book swap, and am studying it in the hopes I can turn on the idea spring inside me, because I am also studying Story Genius by Lisa Cron:

I want to write a novel according to this author’s process, but I need an idea I can run through the 4-step process. The problem is I have had few ideas for storiess for some time now.

Just finished You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay:
https://www.amazon.com/You-Can-Heal-Your-Life/dp/B00HU82ANK/

And just started All Is Well:
https://www.amazon.com/All-Well-Medicine-Affirmations-Intuition/dp/B00C7ETPJY/

You Can Heal Your Life is a book you will want in your library. You will be returning to it many, many times. Reading it once through is not enough. There is so much packed into such loving, simple words. I am sure All Is Well will be the same.

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne:

There are so many copies of this around my area. The movie is also on Netflix!

Benjamin Hoff wrote The Tao of Poo and the Te of Tiger. I just picked up the Te of Tiger for $1.00 at my local library. It looks to be a funny, loving but wise book:
https://www.amazon.com/Benjamin-Hoff-Te-Piglet/dp/B0089GD8BU/
https://www.amazon.com/Tao-Pooh-Te-Piglet/dp/014095144X/

My singing teacher lent me Feel The Fear… And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers:

I don’t agree with all of the positive thinking stuff. If you struggle, put effort into thinking positively, then things begin to fall apart. You can’t make positive thinking happen by sheer strength of will. I have written along this subject before, based on my experience with a book a read by Michael Beckwith. You have to work on how you feel, you have to envision what it is you want and gently keep returning to this things. You allow yourself to have a more positive mindset, it is never created by force. Mrs. Jeffers does allude to this a little. The main thing about this book is that it helps you see a lot of things, like when you are not really taking responsibility to working through fear. It really is a transformative text.

Speaking of fear:

Speaking of transformative texts, both The Big Leap and Learning To Love Yourself by Gay Hendricks are must reads. In them you learn about how you limit and sabotage yourself. You learn how to accept and love yourself. These books, like Louis Hay’s, will need to be read multiple times. I have been resisting going through each of them again. But I will. I do not want to forget the many valuable lessons I have learned from these books.

I am only human afterall:

Been diving in Seth again, this time with Dreams and Projections of Consciousness by Jane Roberts (AKA Rupert):

It’s interesting that when I first started reading the Seth material I found it very hard to get into. But without my noticing it has become easier to read. The same thing happened to me as I was reading the Zen of Creativity by John Daido Loori:

I caught it that time because it happened as I read it. But in the case of the Seth material, I returned to it and I found I could read it easier. Another channeled text I recommend is Emmanuels’ Book by Pat Rodegast:

Someone donated this or something to the church library where I sometimes help out. The librarian there wanted me to look at this, see if it was acceptable for the library. Unless the library in question is for Christian Mystics, this text would not be acceptable for the average Christian, simply because it is channeled from some entity given the name Emmanuel. Just as they wouldn’t like Seth or Abraham, they would instantly, without reading it, hate this book. Which is sad. Because I got it not long after I totaled my car, this and Taking The Leap got me through that time in my life and helped me see a lot of things about myself.

Wherever the words in the book originated from, they are eloquent, loving, almost poetic. There are simple illustrations scattered in it, and it just makes this a beautiful book. I would have loved to see it done in a nice hardback edition with quality paper. Still every time I open my paperback with the corner on the front that is creased and its yellowed pages I feel like I am being given the biggest, most loving hug. I start my day reading just a little of this. And even as it loving me enfolds me, it gently instructs me. Please check this book out!

Every time we read material like the books I have listed here, every time we make those inner changes, sometimes quite painful, we become a little more conscious:

Of course I am still studying ACIM, a project going on over a year now:

It remains very hard to read. But I continue through the reading and the exercises.

Something I have just started is Mastermind:

Which purports to teach you how to think like Sherlock Holmes. I hope the Mind Palace stuff is in there too. I am still reading Rainer Maria Rilke:
https://www.amazon.com/Rainer-Maria-Rilke/e/B004C1XNI4/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1498168394

For dating I am rocking The Geek’s Guide To Dating by Eric Smith:

Just got into the chapter on getting dressed for the date and am sensing I am in trouble there. Also You Probably Shouldn’t Write That by Lisa Hoehn:

For drawing I am working through You Can Draw In 30 Days by Mark Kistler:

For singing I am diving into Free Your Voice by Silvia Nakkach:

For fiction I am struggling through Tad William’s Otherland Volume 3 – Mountain of Black Glass:

Also 50 Shades of Grey because Lisa Cron says its an example of a good story:

I haven’t started it yet. Some more music I think:

From the end of the movie Collide. Here’s something unique:

Finally, in honor of the new Pirates of the Caribbean Movie:

May you find this list not only enjoyable and useful, but also transformative!

 

6-22-2017 – Status Report

I know it has been a long time since I have posed here. I could make excuses, all of them valid. I have been busy with college. I have been struggling with resistance. But the fact of the matter is that if something is truly important to you, if it truly matters, you will make time for it. In my case itr is not so much that this blog doesn’t matter. No, it is more that the other things I am pursuing matter more to me at this time.

But I wanted to come in here with a brief update. I guess to start with, just over a year ago in June, I headed to California on my bike, and ended up in Parkdale, WA., where I made my way back “home.” If home is where the heart is then my home is somewhere in California, or the Venice Canals, or Tokyo, even though I have not yet been to these places.

No, home for me is a motorhome my parents purchased, initially in Ridgefield, which is where I left, and now in Vancouver. That’s right, anyone coming to this page from Clark College. This Oswald Award Nominee and Recipient, on the Vice President’s list and now a member of Phi Theta Kappa, lives in a 30′ Class A RV parked on another family’s property with his parents. This 41 year old man, who has never been on a real date, never married, never had children, and other “nevers” besides, sleeps on a fold-down couch that hurts his back. He has no privacy, no hot water for a shower, and he gets to help his parents occasionally by draining out buckets of sewage and walking it to a sewer pipe located 200 feet or so away.

I say these things freely here. This is my blog. Maybe my only real home. If I can’t take everything off and let it all hang out here then I don’t know where else I would be able to do it. I will likely say little if any of this on the campus. I won’t bring it up in any conversation. I am not exactly hiding these things, but I am not going to boast either. I deserve to, and I have earned it, I am sure many would agree. But at this time I would rather keep quiet about all of this in the physical world. I know things posted here can leak out, but I am comforted by the fact that this blog is not very popular or well-visited. That suites me just fine.

I like this place to be a sort of meeting space, where like-minded people can hang out every once in awhile. I have made a few good friends here, and learned a lot in my years blogging. It’s nice to think that perhaps, just maybe, I have had some positive influence on the few who have come here. But back to…

So I am wrapping up my last year at Clark College. I am learning how to interact and socialize with people. I have made a few friends, but as long as I can count them on one hand it is far too few. I have installed a few dating apps on my phone: Brumble, Tinder, Clover and Blendr. Every day I left and right swipe numerous prospective females. Been contact just once, and the woman left the conversation without a word. I feel that maybe I can learn a valuable lesson here. That maybe I can use the LoA to my favor, and use the kinds of females I encounter on these services as a sort of guideline to my current vibrational level.

Speaking of Abraham-Hicks is speaking in Portland in just a few days. I really want to go, so if anyone has an extra ticket or something they would be willing to give me, please let me know! This time I will not go in with the wrong mindset like I did with I Am Light. I am learning more and more it is all about the flow, not force, not trying to make things happen.

After I wrap up at Clark I will graduate the following spring. Then I will either continue my education or seek out a job with the certifications I have earned. I have been studying Computer Support. As far as continuing my education, that will depend on whether or not I am granted an scholarships. I applied for the Foundation Scholarship at Clark, but was not selected.

When I am not in class or swiping left and right in dating apps I am drawing, which I have taken up again, learning piano, also something I have taken up again, and practicing singing. That’s new. I have learned I am a tenor, which is basically the male equivalent of a soprano. I just survived my first recital where I sung The Rose of Allandale. I am currently learning Let Me Fall and River.

I have also come to be aware of upper-limiting, and when I am doing that to myself. In addition to this I have come to see how I need to truly take responsibility, and when I am angry at something, I am not actually being responsible. So I have been making a lot of changes and using Habitica, an Android app, to help me establish good habits.

Still trying to get the whole novel writing thing figured out. Still studing LoA and manifestation and ACIM. Also started studying the process of dating. I honestly have no idea how to take things to the next level after I have started talking to a girl. Or I know and am making it hard on myself because of a lack of confidence. But at least I am going out and talking to various females, engaging them, making them smile.

I am learning a lot at this point in my life, and it isn’t just the college-related material. I am currently working on myself such that I no longer have anything inside me that would reflect my current life experience. That would instead reflect a better life experience, where I am with someone, standing on my own, living in my own place. Where I essentially have a place I call home.

OK, well I am falling asleep. Expect more updates through the summer as I am done (with school) until fall.

Reflections

Reflections clash with reflections
clashing with reality,
No way to tell what is real
or meant to be,
Through this confusion
I must chart my course,
Following in the natural current
of my life and not using force.

I can not tell you what is right or wrong,

I can only point out these reflections
are here, then gone,
No way to pick
the right or wrong one,
You make a choice
and then you’re done,
So go with your feelings
and choose the best-feeling one.

Life of Confusion

I find myself repeating old, limiting patterns again. It would be so much easier to play the role of a victim. To point out all the things that are making things so difficult for me. To explain how hard my life is right now. To express how much pain I am going through.

But the fact of the matter is that I have nobody to blame but myself. Every… Single… thing in my life, everything, is there because I asked for it to be there. There are no exceptions. All the bad, what little good I can recall.

For most of my life I have vibrating at a frequency of failure. Of “don’t notice me” when I am around others. While this is changing, I still vibrate at the frequency today. The end result is that I am alone. I started vibrating at this frequency, I suspect, out of fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of failure. Unless I figure out how to raise my frequency, begin vibrating at whatever the frequency is that attracts others of higher vibrations into my life, I will die alone and mostly friendless. I will die a total failure. This will never change until I change.

For most of my life I have also been vibrating at a frequency that, I guess is something like “work sucks” or “I don’t want to work” or “I don’t want to end up like my dad.” Maybe a combination of all of these. As a result, I have been sabotaging myself in every job I have ever had. I am sabotaging myself in my jobs on campus right now. Unless I find a way to raise my frequency and vibration I will keep repeating this until I am aware of whatever it is that is asking for my attention, or until I have learned whatever it is I need to learn.

I could find blame with the people I have worked for and currently work for. Just as I could blame others around me for not noticing me or rejecting me. But if my work is not satisfactory, if I am not happy with it, if I want more of a challenge, or more responsibility, or whatever, I have to operate at the frequency for it. Getting another job does not solve the problem. I will just bring it with me into my new job. It will haunt me until the day I die or simply kill myself. I will never be able to support myself or stand on my own until I kick this motherfucker to the curb.

If my life is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of my life what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency for the life I want, not the life I am currently experiencing. If my work is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of it what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency of the work that I want, not the work I am currently experiencing.

One of the people I work for here at campus left me a scalding reply yesterday. I struggled with how to respond. Do I defend myself? Unless I am guilty, why would I feel the need? Defending myself proves that I am in the wrong, and I know it. The fact of the matter is that what they have said about me is the truth. Not the entire truth or the whole truth. There are forces at work in all our interactions with each other that few of us aware of. But as I look back on my work at that job, I see how I have been doing exactly what he says I have been doing.

While his intention may have been to point out a wrong, I understand that what I am actually getting here is a message from the Universe calling my attention to something I have been doing but have not been aware of doing. The Universe doesn’t give a shit about right or wrong. That’s a human concern. The Universe simply wants me to be who I truly am. It is simply pointing out what I need to be aware of, what I need to address. Because it knows the desires of my heart, and it can see how my actions at my work are not in alignment with the desires of my heart.

When you bend your finger far enough you will feel pain. Proceed and you will damage your finger. The pain isn’t to tell you that you are right or wrong for bending your finger that way. It is there to warn you that you are about to hurt yourself. This message from one of my bosses is just like that. I am being warned that if I continue I will hurt myself. But unlike a normal person who would usually stop once they feel pain, and not hurt themselves, I seem to have at tendency to ignore the warning and cause myself serious damage. I have done it again and again. If these were bones in my physical body, I think I might have broken every one by now! Not just broken, shattered.

The question remains, what do I do? I mean I know I need to be more aware. I know I need to operate at a higher frequency in regards to my work. But how do I do this, and do it consistently, until I have created the inner change required? How do I keep from forgetting what I have come to understand today so I don’t fall back into my old limiting patterns?

A few days ago I pointed out to a friend that they needed to be more mindful when doing their math. But the least mindful person in the room was actually me. Sure I can be mindful with some tasks, like working on math. My advice was good. But for the greater parts of my life I walk through it in a stupor. I am asleep, not aware of what I am doing at all, my mind off into the future or the past.

If it is off into the future, I am typically worried about something. Or hoping for something. Both are based off fear. If I am looking back into the past I am picking the scabs off old wounds. I am lost in regret or sorrow. Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my past that I can appreciate or be happy about? Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my future that I could appreciate and be happy about? Why are there always heavy, gray clouds threatening rain over the skies of my heart? Where, for the love of God, is the fucking blue sky? Where is the fucking sun?

If I quit my job, or quit my life by killing myself, I have accomplished nothing. I have changed nothing. If I come into human form again sometime in the future, I am placing a burden on that person which only gets heavier the more it is passed on. Because each life adds to the weight of sorrow and internal garbage that I have been carrying around since God only knows when. How in the hell can I become the one version or incarnation or whatever of me that finally opens the bag, dumps everything out, and leaves all that shit behind? How can I keep my future selves from suffering the same fate as me? How can I keep going in this life under my current burden?

I have no answers. I don’t know what to do. Or I do but not how to do it. Or I know both and am not allowing myself to remember. I wish I had some guru or something that could slap me upside my head and wake me up long enough that I can remember whatever I need to remember, do whatever I need to do, and change whatever I need to change. Because I am tired of making the same old mistakes. I am tired of walking the path of my life alone, and forcing myself to be alone. I am tired of the kinds of work that keep showing up in my life, and my seeming inability to vibrate at a high enough frequency that better work could show up. Or that would improve my current work.

I am afraid of the future. I worry about what I will do after graduation. I know I am graduating next year. I do not have a low frequency when it comes to my scholarly pursuits. But I am worried I will just keep going to school and run away from everything I need to be aware of and address. I will stick to what I have been successful at but ignore the larger issues of my life. Or I will graduate and I will make it meaningless. I will have this piece of paper and these certifications, but not allow myself to have a good, high paying job that would utilize what I have learned doing my time here.

One thing only I know for sure. I can practice presence by being here, in this moment, with whatever I am doing. I do not know if I can keep it up. But I know that today I am aware that I need to practice awareness, and am doing so. I will take that with me into my work today, and whatever happens… I just wrote, “Hopefully I can raise…” What am I actually saying? That secretly I am afraid I will not be able to.

Let’s try again… I desire to, I wish to, I want to, raise my vibration and operating at a frequency that transforms my life and work experience more into what I want, instead of more of the same. I allow myself to feel what I feel. I surrender to everything I am experiencing in this present moment. I yield to my entire present-moment experience. I set the intention, right now, to raise my vibration and increase the frequency I am operating at, starting with my work today.

The Goatpen Is Silent

The goatpen is silent.

It could be because of the rain
its residents have taken shelter inside,
It could be because two are gone
the black one’s son and the lonely mother.

Whatever the reason only two remain,
the others sold off, now living in a new home
along with the two long-gone little kids.

The carefree summer I remember is gone,
there are no more games of headbutt and tag,
and I must leave my parents
like these two remaining goats.

I am grieving, but I have no tears,
the rain shall be my tears
with its constant falling.

The goatpen rests under a heavy,
somber cloak of silence
and it is still raining.

Darkness Is A Choice

We are speaking of a denial of Light
not an absence of Light
The concept of God being in all things therefore
is not so irreconcilable.

From “Emmanuel’s Book” page 18, “Darkness is a choice.”
Compiled by Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton

I think there is something we forget. Some of us, myself also in the past, talk about how evil the world is. How dark it is. How cruel it is. The phrase “The Real World” is bandied about, as if those of us who use it have any idea of what the real world actually is. But most of us that think of the world in this way, that use this phrase, have no idea how or what the real world is.

We say these things, we use this phrase and others like it, to basically set a sort of bar. We say these things to those that have not reached it. The bar is set to what we think is normal. It is defined by what we perceive to be reality. And indeed, to those who think along these terms, it is their reality.

Our reality is created by our perception. What we expect to see in the world, 9 times out of 10, that is what we see. What we expect to experience, we experience. So the phrase, “The Real World” seems to be true, and those of us who use it, say it with finality. That is our final word on it.

I see a few problems with this… First of all saying anything with finality is essentially closing the door in the face of anything that contradicts what we believe. That is the definition of close-mindedness. We become unable to see anything beyond or outside our beliefs and perceptions. We close ourselves off to ever really learning the real truth. We shut the door in the face of truth, lock it and leave him to stand outside our hearts. When Jesus said, “I stand at the door and knock” I wonder if this is what he was referring to.

Secondly we all have made (myself included), and most of us continue to make (myself excluded) an assumption that darkness = absence of Light. But Emmanuel’s words, as quoted above, remind us that this is not the only way darkness can come into our lives. Quite often, and I may even venture to say all of the time, darkness = denial of Light. In fact I will even go so far as to say this is the only real true definition of darkness. I do not think, for one moment, that there is an absence of light anywhere, even in the darkest corners of what you call the real world.

Darkness is a choice. Suffering is a choice. We are never powerless, we can always choose. We can accept or deny the Light. What is the Light? Let us define the undefinable in this way. It is that energy or force beyond the best humanity can offer. It is beyond the love of a mother for her child, the love of a man or woman for a man or woman. It is beyond the best of human lovingkindness. It is that which humanity has been looking for outside itself, but which has always been inside us all. It is what we are, when we leave our human bodies behind. It is that energy or force that gives life to everything, freely. You can give it any name you wish, for now Light will suffice.

The question is will you accept or deny that you have this energy inside you? Will you accept or deny that others have it inside them? Will you accept or deny that it is in your world, the world you live in, the world you believe in, the world you perceive? Can you find and open yourself to the Light that is in all things, even the darkest places you can think of right now? Can you find the Light in the drug dealer, the gang member, the murderer? It doesn’t matter who the darkness is for you, or where it is. The question remains, will this darkness continue to be a denial of Light? Will you continue to deny the Light?

Most humans live in a state of denial or non-acceptance. We isolate ourselves from each other. We isolate ourselves in shimmering towers of glass and steel, in layers of asphalt and concrete, from mother nature, from the earth. We are disconnected from each other and from the planet we live on. In our current, natural state the pattern of denying the Light is firmly ingrained into all of us.

It was for me as well. It is no longer. I choose to live connected to others and the world around me. I still have much growing to do. I still tend towards isolation, towards denial. The circumstances of my life must reflect this, as they do. But I am changing, I have made that choice, and you can as well.

If you want all the things that you think of as part of “The Real World” to go away, to change for the better, then you have to choose acceptance. You have to stop denying the Light. You have to stop isolating yourself. You have to be able to find the Light in anyone or anything. When humanity reaches this state in our growth as a species, and we will, there will be no more scarcity, no more war. There will no longer be any darkness, because we will, collectively, have stopped denying the Light.

So what is the darkness in your life? Is it your denial of Light? Or is it an absence of Light? Because if, for you, it is an absence of Light, you are living in denial, and will remain a victim of unwanted circumstances and situations. That is the consequence of your choice.

But if you are able to see it is your denial of Light that has brought this darkness, then you are free to choose to stop denying the light. When you stop denying the light, you will be free of unwanted circumstances and situations. That will be the consequence of your choice.

Choose wisely.

Hell

This body
is too old,
this life,
is too long

for this young spirit.

My soul
may be old,
my heart
is lined with scars,

but my spirit is young.

It belongs to a man
who never really enjoyed
his childhood
and the process

of growing older.

I want to carve into
this aging flesh,
let the life-blood flow out
into the ancient earth,

releasing my young spirit.

I want to teach
my soul a lesson,
that pain should never
be inevitable,

that suffering should never
be prolonged,
that by the time the flesh,
has reached its middle years,

some happiness
must have been found,
some enjoyment of life
must have been experienced.

You can not scare me
with threats of hell,
I am in hell,
with every breath I take.

I yearn to be happy,
I yearn to be free.

If i can release this pain
with something sharp,
a blade, a piece of glass,
draining it from me…

Maybe
when it is finished,
I shall finally find
happiness and freedom.

Hope is dream
of the pitiful,
the dirt a starving man eats
to fill his empty belly.

To dream
is to be delusional.
Better to accept
your awful fate

then to fight it.

A New Public Declaration

After much thought I have decided I am ready to take my first, consciously chosen step out of stasis and into a complete, full and open embrace of my life, exactly as it is in this moment. I have chosen to release my hand fully from the ejection seat lever, as referred to in my previous posts, Suicide – Part 1 and Suicide – Part 2. I am choosing, right now, in this moment, and from this moment on, to be aware of when the old patterns of suicide door-thinking come and to, gently but firmly, release them and let them go.

I hereby publicly declare that I am no longer entertaining thoughts of killing myself. I am no longer holding the ejection seat lever. I am no longer keeping myself in stasis. I feel I have suffered enough, that I have hurt myself enough. I am not sure, or am not consciously aware, of what I did to deserve my self-imposed punishment, but I am done spending time in emotional and mental self-flagellation.

I deserve to be happy, I am worthy, I can have the life of my biggest dreams and strongest desires. I can have the experiences that I have always wanted to have. There is no barrier between myself and what I desire other than what I accept from others, or put there myself.

I no longer accept the limitations of others, and I no longer give myself permission to hold back. Whatever happens, whatever my fate, it is time to live my life to its fullest. To take control of the stick and fly this plane the rest of the way, to be fully aware and conscious in my life and to be motivated by love – this is what I commit to do, from this moment forward.

I will move beyond my upper limits and see what is there. I am an explorer and problem solver at heart. These are two things I enjoy doing, and applying them to my Upper Limit Problems will employ them both.

Right now, from this moment on, I am living my life.

Suicide – Part 2

I was falling asleep as I wrote part 1 of this series, or whatever it is, and now I have some more realizations to share, some more thoughts to work out. My intention here is to help myself, and to help others. For those who see in themselves what I am seeing in me, perhaps this gives them a light at the end of the tunnel, a way out. For me writing about this is both confessional, dragging something out of the darkness into the light, and making it real, there is a public witness to the things I say and the commitments I make.

So sitting on the toilet again, where I do a lot of my thinking (hey, you know you do too), I realized that in order to take my hand off the ejection seat lever, in order to throw myself fully into my life, I can not kill myself. I will no longer have that option. Because I can no longer think that way. As long as I think, “At least I can kill myself…” I am right back to where I no longer want to be.

I said before that Staind saved my life, back when I had my first thoughts of killing myself. I was still a Christian back then, I was depressed, likely would have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, most of the time. My brother had friends and either went to parties or just simply partied. Most of the time I stayed in my room, reading, listening to music, playing video games, throwing myself into shit on the computer. Essentially the same things I am doing now.

I asked a single girl at a dance to dance with me, I was all dressed up and everything, and she laughed in my face. I offered myself to another girl, a friend at the time, and the only person I have ever taken on a date. I don’t like to talk about this or say it. There is such a stigma attached to it. But I feel it is time…

So I offered myself to her, and she did not laugh at me, but she also did not accept me. Instead, because she wanted to please this other man she had met on the internet, she gave herself to a local playboy. Instead of sharing her first time with me, she chose this playboy that my brother brought in. I had taken her on that date to see if there was any interest beyond friendship with me, and there wasn’t. or if there was, she did not acknowledge it.

Of course this shattered me. This, combined with everything else, brought me right to the edge. The music of Staind kept me from going over, but they didn’t do me any favors. All they did is increase my tolerance for pain. By putting it off I had an excuse to keep putting it off. Suicide became something I could fall back on, a way out, a way to escape my shitty life.

But things just never seemed to get bad enough to cause me to do it. Or maybe they were bad but I found a way to tolerate it. Maybe I simply was not as brave as I thought. It takes a lot of bravery, courage, determination – something – to be able to take out that knife and slice open your wrists. Or drown yourself. Or suck on an exhaust pipe. Oddly enough I never thought of using a gun.

The second girl’s man came (the first was one that laughed at me) and swept her off her feet. Her prince charming I guess. They traveled the world together. He did far more for her than I believe I could have. I am happy that he was there for her like that. That she had that. And pissed off at her, because she goes and kills herself some years later. Why? I know what I was told. Maybe that was enough. But to me it doesn’t seem like good enough a reason. She had everything, every reason to live and keep living. I have nothing, every reason to die and stop living. Yet I am alive and she is dead.

Or am I? Can I really claim that I am alive, sitting here, typing this, at 41 years of age, having done nothing with my life, still living with my parents, having no success, no real adventures? Unable to live my life fully, I have been in stasis I think since that time, since those things happened. I just sealed myself away, so I would only have my family to worry about if I decided to kill myself. Because if I was surrounded by friends and lovers, it would be very difficult to kill myself.

I have always bemoaned the fact that I have no friends and have never been on a real date. I have never seen a woman physically naked in front of me, never had sex. I turned myself into some kind of monk. But even though monks might physically seal themselves away, they are not sealed on an emotional, mental or spiritual level, I am fairly certain.

So if I am honest I really have been dead all these years. I put myself into stasis and went to sleep. Maybe having a sort of spiritual breakdown, renouncing my former Christian faith, having the experiences I had around that time, the belief systems crash I went through and at least one dark night of the soul, or something similar, I think all this woke me up early. I don’t think i ever intended to wake up. I think I intended to just go through the motions of life, perhaps until a time I could more easily end it.

It was harder for me to do when I was younger. I could always find reasons I have to keep going, try one more thing. Even now, though the reasons are less, there are things that I feel I must experience before I can end my life with a clear conscience. Chief among them being the act of lovemaking. What kind of man, what kind of utter looser, can’t even get a woman into bed with him?

So not only do I have to remove my hand from the ejection seat lever (referring to the analogy I was using earlier, I could eject or land the plane. My life is like a plane, I can eject myself from it or land the stinkin’ thing), I have to unseal myself, bring myself out of stasis. Because as long as I stay in that state I will push others away. As long as I am keeping alive the possibility of suicide, entertaining thoughts of it, even leaving it as a sort of open door at the back of my mind, I will push others away, I will continue like I have, I will never, ever make any real changes, any wanted or desired changes, to the circumstances and situations of my life.

I have to throw myself into life fully. I have to close the suicide door-thought in my mind. I don’t have to do more than that and should not. And I can’t do this until I am really ready to enter back into life. And I have to hope it is not too late. In order to succeed, in order to soar above my Upper Limit Problems, thoughts of suicide can not be in my mind. I just can’t entertain these thoughts, and as I think I said before, no successful person out there does.

I can no longer have this as a sort of escape plan, as if life were some horrible prison that I wanted to escape from. I have to embrace what seems to me now, in this moment, to be something akin to prison life. I have to embrace a life that, at this moment, is not what I want at all. I have to embrace it and start living again.

One of my many justifications for killing myself was that I have no purpose, no dreams. Maybe that is true. More likely I have forgotten about them during my time in stasis. Maybe I did not allow myself to have these so that I could kill myself. Maybe I threw these out the door along with the possibility of having friends, loves and a meaningful, fulfilling life. Maybe I could only justify killing myself if my life was lacking in all these things. But I have been scrabbling around, looking for a dream, a purpose, a reason to life. I have felt up to now that I have none of this. I still can’t see any of them. But something in me wants them. Something in me is no longer content to live without them.

There is more I wish to express, the last sentence brought it to mind. But I am not remembering it at the moment. Maybe part 3? I think now, looking back, that maybe this is why I have never started, completed and published a book. Why I never got very far in my level design and modeling days. Why I am not in art or architecture school, building, creating, learning how to do these. Why I never found a way to go to the Seattle Art Institute which compelled me so strongly ome years ago. Why I never pursued music. Why I still live with my parents and can not get this excess fat off my body, no matter what I do, the process is far harder than it has to be, and if I let off it’s right back.

This fat on my body is a physical symptom of an internal, energetic cause. It is the physical manifestation of my pain, all my pain, and perhaps my sense that I am not worthy, I don’t deserve to be happy, I am worthless and useless and futureless. Maybe I have been slowly killing myself while in this static condition by eating myself to death. Others use booze or cigarettes, I guess I use food and a very unhealthy mindset.

I look in the mirror and I see a fat man, not very well equipped, nothing physically that any woman would be attracted to, except perhaps the face. But in my face I see a younger man, and that is the heart I have inside me. Not the physical heart, the energetic heart. I am a young man inside. Of course I would be, because I put myself into a sort of walking coma when I was a young man.

And I wonder why I don’t fit in with other men my age. Why other people my age seem so much bigger than me, even though I am 6 feet tall. I see now it is because inside I am still a teenager, a young man, that never really grew up into the body he now occupies. I hope this will change once I take my hand off the ejection seat level, once I unseal myself, open myself up and come out of stasis. Once I embrace life fully and throw myself into it.

I want to say the road ahead will be hard, but to say that is to sort of create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have no idea what the future holds. It just seems to me, right now, in this moment, that things are going to be tough. I am not sure I am ready. But I am certain that if I ever want to have a life I want to live, I have to free myself of these old self-imposed patterns. There is no other way. I have to stop killing myself and start living, no matter what, despite anything that might happen, be it another girl laughing in my face or rejecting me. I can’t stay here in this state for fear of encountering these things. It is too important that I free myself before it really is too late.

Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, mark these words. Remember that the things you do and say to others matter. They do have an effect. I am an extreme case. And yes, part of the responsibility lies with the way a person perceives and responds. What they have drawn into their lives. But part of it lies with you. Something you do or say could completely fuck up someone else’s life. We have to be careful. Ultimately we should aim to be motivated by love in all we say and do. Or at least come as close to that idea as we can.

But if nothing else bring awareness, from now on, into what you do to others, what you say to others. How those two young women responded to me, all those years ago, has in part created the hell I am waking up from right now, in this moment. And I take little consolation in knowing they were probably suffering in their own way too, at that time, and since. The damage they did to me they also did to themselves. Sometimes inner wounds just won’t heal. How can they if there is no real knowledge of how to treat them properly? We can mend a broken arm or sew on a missing finger. But medical science still hasn’t the faintest fucking clue how to heal human emotional scars and the human heart.

So please be careful, I beg of you, for your own sake, and for the sake of those others who enter and exit your life. Everything we do to others, we also do to ourselves. It truly is a double-edged sword.

Suicide – Part 1

I am reading, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks, and I have started to put my awareness on any ULP moments that come up, any times I am Upper Limiting myself. As I believe I already said my car crash was an obvious examples. Others may be more subtle, like having an awesome day, but dealing with a broken strap on my backpack, and allowing the old feelings of anger and frustration, all tied in with my lack of abundance when it comes to finances. Even though I felt so much lighter and actually even felt elated, slowly those negative feelings began to color things. But at least I was aware of them.

Now I come to another issue, maybe also an upper limit problem, and that is thoughts of suicide. Now I have not been unhappy enough to have them lately. But I have always held onto this option as a way out. A way to escape the circumstances and situations of my life of they continue to refuse to change for the better. A way to get back my power, a way to be free. Others can fear death and be terrified of the very thought of anyone behaving out of the norm and killing themselves, but not me! Since I am no longer a Christian, the threat of hell and eternal damnation no longer has a hold on me. In fact, through the teachings of Abraham, I have come t understand that in death there is a release, and catapulting into one’s vortex. That makes it almost an attractive prospect, if I could only find a way to do it without pain. I mean if I can’t find a way onto my vortex any other way…

Maybe that part is true. But am I really taking back my power by leaving my hand firmly wrapped around the ejection lever, as it were? Or am I letting the circumstances and situations of my life have power over me? Also am I really free if I retain the ability and practice the vibration of killing myself? Or is that just locking me firmly into a pattern of behavior well underneath my upper limit. Am I hobbling myself while still believing I can fly?

I think I need to let this go. Take my hand off the ejection level. Land the fucking plane, no matter how damaged and unlikely to keep flying I think it may be. I don’t think I can soar above my upper limitations until I do. But I don’t want to let this go. It seems like to me that if I do that, I am saying that my life is OK, and I will put up with whatever shit I am going through. It feels like if I give it up I will be powerless, I will be forced to live a life that may not ever be what I truly desire. But if I don’t let it go, my life is almost certain to be what I do not desire. Do I want to continue with the way things are, or do I wish to finally and truly change things?

I have to find a way to let this go. As soon as I am ready. I can not afford to hold onto this any longer. Not because people believe is is wrong. Not because it would hurt those who love me. These are not good enough reasons. I have to let this go for me, in order to truly reclaim my freedom and power. No successful person lives their life with their hand wrapped around the eject level. I am almost certain of this. Thoughts of killing themselves do not enter into their minds. In fact it is probably inconceivable to them. I am almost certain I can not, and will not, reach my full potential until the thought of killing myself becomes such an alien concept I never even think of it.

But I am not ready yet. I hope I soon will be.