9-21-2020 – I Am Done Writing

I have just had a sort of break down. Packed up all my writing books to go back to the library. Threw these stupid bookmarks inspiring me to write and other things to the back of the desk drawer. This will be my very last bit of writing for a while. I quit.

Spent the last 3 days or so looking for something I wanted. I needed the outlet. I do not enjoy writing. I do not love it. Yet I am told this is what I am here to do. Fine. But give me other things I can enjoy and love! But no, the Universe refuses to grant even that.

All I want is a STABLE, SMOOTH RUNNING, Android Environment running INSIDE WINDOWS that will let me install and play ANY GAME in the Google Play Store. Not downloading the .apks. No, using Google Play and having UNRESTRICTED ACCESS to every title. So the Android Environment will have to look, to Google, like a Samsung Galaxy S9 or even my LG G7 ThinQ. Something released in the last 2 years running Android 9. And it also must be recordable using OBS or some other reasonable solution.

I just want to sit down and try a few new games that game out on Google Play, doing gameplay videos of them for YouTube. That’s it, and I do not think it is too much to ask, or even demand, as the case may be.

I have put up with an old crappy laptop. I have put up with an old gaming PC. I have put up with limited finances. I have put up with being alone, single, dateless and unmarried. I have put up with not having space to exercise, do yoga or meditate. I have put up with sleeping in the RV because I do not have a bedroom. I continue to put up with living a life I do not want, and have even renounced suicide, committing myself fully to live.

I have put with so much shit over the years I know I am well past any reasonable quota. I am putting my foot down on this, telling everything and everyone in whatever realms exist that if they want me to write they better damn well give me what I want.

Don’t expect anything else to show up here anytime soon.

9-19-2020 – After The Storm

So the windstorm lasted about 3 days, and it took down part of a standing dead tree not far from where the RV I sleep in is parked. Also not far from the horse trough and power lines overhead. It scattered limbs all over the place, and we are still cleaning everything up.

After that the fires in the east and across the river left a smokey, thick air that literally hung around for a week. It made my nostrils burn, made it hard to think or do anything, much less breathe, and I am sad to report I go almost nothing done. In fact fell into a fairly bad mindset, and didn’t even try to meet online with the two writer’s groups I have tentatively joined.

But yesterday I saw the sun, the full sun, not some dull pink disc hanging in the sky! It really did life my spirits, that and the fact I could see the distant hills again, as the smog or fog or rain clouds or whatever combination had receded. Whatever is there is still there, but the air is fresh and clear, and the bad stuff seems to have been pushed out to the distant hills, or washed away.

Just the other night we had such a downpour of rain! A real cloudburst, but it lasted for a few hours before dropping off to a normal rain. The water in my horse trough became a sort of green stew with leaves and pieces of moss floating around inside. I dunked my face in it before I knew that. Now the ground is wet and the birds are singing again. I swear I hardly heard anything other than dogs barking these last few days. No owls hooting at night or birds singing at the close of the day, as I hear now. I always wonder what they are saying to each other. Something like good night, hide well so the predators don’t get you?

Also the other day I suffered from a very bad headache. I am sure it is stress, from all that has happened with the conditions outside recently, to concerns and strains with my life, to the stupid game I insist on playing. I had to come to a place where I decided I would not let the game get to me, and if it started to, I would stop playing. To just let go of the goals I wanted to accomplish but, currently, are unable to. There is great freedom in embracing your current, perceived limitations. Just acknowledging that this is where you are, and to stop struggling so damn much!

We fight so hard to control things, to make things bend to our will. We make it harder than it ever has to be. We espouse hard work as some kind of virtue. We really are like Sisyphus, pushing that damn rock up the hill, over and over again, and for what? Why not just let it go? What is the point in fighting if you are certain you will not win? By all means, work hard at the things that matter to you. But only on the things that matter to you, that you really care about. And learn to walk a balance between pushing ahead and easing off. If you drove your car like you drive your life you will get into a wreck before you know it! The brake pedal is there for a reason.

Just as in driving there is pushing ahead, slowing down, stopping, there are times in life when pushing is necessary, there are times in life to let go, and there are times in life to simply hit the brakes and let things be as they are. How are you driving your life? Pedal to the metal, full steam ahead? Straight into whatever immutable obstacle awaits you, right into the waiting arms of cancer and disease. You are literally pushing yourself to death!

Life does not have to be so hard. I need to hear this as much as I need to say it. There is a flow, and sometimes you drift with it, and sometimes you grab the oars and row. You always get to choose where to point your vessel. But you only get to choose where to point it. You are not in control of the flow, you have no say in the direction or strength of the current. But you can choose what course to take, and what direction you will go.

These next few days will bring some changes, some things I am going to try and work through. I will come back here with anything I learn.

The Storm

I enter.

My mom starts talking about
how great and good God is,
the way that tree fell.

I feel such a surge
of hatred, anger and maybe
even a little bitterness.

But I choke back my words,
and say nothing at all because
I don’t want to hurt her.

I exit.

I have come to feel
that everyone is entitled
to their beliefs.

I just wish they would
stop shoving them down,
my throat, smothering me.

Is it too much to ask
that you respect my right
to believe as I wish???

I am doing that for you,
though your unquestioning,
sheep-like behavior wounds me.

When will humanity evolve
past the need to define God
and simply accept things as they are?

When will they let go
of the old, the outdated,
beliefs of others, long dead?

Will they ever learn
to define God for themselves
and respect each person’s experience?

The wind rages, trees fall,
limbs are blown across the lawn,
reflecting the storm within my soul.

What Is Working In My Writing?

Sage Cohen, in her book, “Fierce on the Page“, talks about focusing on what is working, instead of what is not (chapter 13). As I took a look at myself, all I could think about is what is not working, what I am not doing. Obviously I am focused on what is not working if these are my thoughts. Especially since I am struggling to pinpoint what is working in my writing life.

So, in my writing, what is working? I thought I would sit down and work this out in a blog post, as my last blog post kinda sucked (again, focused on what is not working.) You can do this with me. What is working in your creative life, in whatever way you express yourself creatively?

For me, one of the things I love about when I am writing is when I sit down and sort of fall into a flow state, AKA “The Zone.” When I just get lost in a story I am telling, and it’s like I am experiencing the story at the same time I am writing it. Which, going back to what is not working, why it hurts me so much, why it sucks so much, when I loose the thread and can no longer “pick up” the story. I hate that!

Something else that works for me in my writing is how some things I am working on seem to resonate with me. I have a bunch of shortcuts on my desk to various documents that I felt strongly connected to at the time I created them. I will likely write in one of these. It is so satisfying when you open up a document, and can “pick up the thread” as it were. When this happens I absolutely love it!

Another thing that was working for me in my writing and might work again, is my chosen established writing time. It wasn’t a huge victory, but enough of one that I noticed, when I managed to establish a writing habit. I accepted that I am a writer, made it clear to the others that live here when I am writing and identified myself to them as a writer, then wrote at that time. When I was doing this, it was nice to have that small victory in my writing process. It is also easier to fall back into it now that I have been away from it a while.

I love the high energy, high frequency, high vibration, positive state I am in when poetry comes. Those days when multiple poems would come at once. Nothing phased me, I was in love with the world, engaged with it and all I was experiencing around me, whether it was scenery I was watching or a breeze playing over my skin or the sounds of water flowing, or children playing. If I knew how to live in that state forever, I would. But when I find myself in this state, especially after long absences away, I just enjoy it, relish it and the poetry writing flows effortlessly.

I loved the stories I was able to complete. The short horror stories and, to my eyes, the satisfying endings. I loved creating those endings, and most if not all of the time I never had it planned out in my head. I had this idea for a story. I created a character, plunked them into the story and built it around them based on the idea. Then I watched things develop through their eyes, from the beginning to the end. I went through everything they went through. I lived the story with them. I got scared when they got scared. Then I would wrap everything up, and it hardly ever felt wrong. It felt right. It felt complete. I would like to return to writing short stories like that, and I would LOVE to be able to write longer tales the same way!

I love how certain things I read can have such an impact on me, even to the point of affecting my writing. I once started a story that was completely in rhyme, inspired by the Tolkien books. Managed to get through the first chapter or introduction, then lost it. But I would like to figure out how to access that way of writing, and do an entire short story, or even a novel, completely in rhyme, I am sure I could do it, if I could just figure out how to fall into a state conducive for that writing to happen.

I loved the beauty of that piece I linked you to in my last blog post. I can barely remember when I wrote it. But on discovering it, and reading it again all this time later, I cried a little. It spoke to me. I can hardly believe I wrote it. I can’t even recall the spirit or state I was in when I wrote it. I have some vague idea, but nothing concrete. Yet it says so eloquently what I wanted to say at the time, what I still want to say. I strongly desire to write more parables and things like this. I mean it worked for Kahlil Gibran!

I think that if when I sat down to write I experienced more of these things I enjoyed and loved and less of the struggle I have been wrestling with I would write a lot more. I would develop and grow as a writer much quicker. I know I denied this aspect of myself all these years, and there are consequences for that. I likely have a lot of slogging uphill in the mud to do before I get anywhere in my writing. But I am looking forward to that sunny, green hilltop. That alpine meadow with all the flowers, birds and a few hardy trees. That space where my writing has become more than habit, it has become my life, and I am literally putting my life energy into every word I type. Bleeding on the page energetically, in a state of ecstasy. I look forward to that day, and desire it to come soon!

So, reader, if you are a writer, what are the things that are working in your writing? If you are an artist what are the things that are working in your drawing, painting, sculpting, etc? Any advice or thoughts that you would care to share with everyone? Please comment below.

8-31-2020 – Announcements and Updates

So yeah… Sitting here, joined an online writer’s group, and nothing wants to be written. Just resistance or block or whatever it is. I know some of what I want to write. But I am succumbing to Blank Page Disease. In any case, it occurs to me that I am due for an update here, so update you I will.

We will start with an announcement… I have joined Medium.com and uploaded my first story. Check it out and let me know what you think!
https://medium.com/@dreambliss/what-do-you-want-to-be-12593fc24e1f

I may be adding a new section to BlissVlog very soon, entitled, “Bookworm’s Bower.” I may post a link to the first episode here.

Still struggling with a lot of things since THE DECISION. Life has not improved or gotten any easier. But the only way to move now is forward.

How Do I Stop Avoiding? How Do I Stop Running Away?

So this has come up as the next hurdle on my path. I have been told, as I may have mentioned, that I have been running away. Running away from hurt, running away from pain, running away from my destiny. I have been told I need to embrace my fear, embrace the pain, then work through it, and embrace my destiny. I have also been told to write.

Of all these instructions I have only been able to follow one, and that is to write. And, as I may have mentioned, writing has become easier for me. More effortless. Although I am still meeting resistance in the form of struggling what I want to write about. But at least now I am ready to let my fingers fly over the keyboard, should something come to mind.

It came to me today that maybe I will put out another questioning piece. These are tough, because I am not coming with any sort of solution. I am asking you how am I to do this thing, what do you think? I am seeking communication and interaction with others – perhaps together we can figure this out? Because honestly, I have no idea how to stop running away.

I think part of the problem might be that I didn’t know I was running away in the first place. I thought I taking responsibility for things. I though I was accepting the things that came, as they are. I thought I was embracing everything I needed to embrace. It turns out I thought wrong, although I am still struggling to come to agreement with that. Because it doesn’t seem like me. It doesn’t seem like my idea of myself. My idea of how I am.

I think maybe I haven’t been running away… What I mean is, that I haven’t started running away from anything in these later years. A voice in my head tells me that this isn’t true – we shall see. What I think is going on is that I started running away a long time ago, and I was, maybe am still, running away today. As there was no conscious decision I was aware of to run away, I didn’t think I was doing it. The fact I have been running away outside of my awareness, even were I to bring awareness to it, it would seem normal. Like breathing. Something I have always done. That’s my theory anyway.

So I guess the first step to stop running away is to become aware that I am running away. Maybe the next step is to state out loud my pain – whatever I am running away from. Then write that down, bringing awareness to it. I suppose that is the course of action I will have to take. But I do not know what do to do after that. A voice in my head tells me to renounce running away. That would make sense. As running away was a normal course of action for me, but no longer serves, it is likely time to renounce it and turn my back on it.

I guess that would be the next step. It is perhaps only after stopping that I can face whatever I am running away from, and only in facing it that I can work through it. Perhaps that is my best course of action. What do you think? Is there anything in your life, obvious once you think about it, from which you are running away? How long have you been running away from this?

If you are someone who was avoiding certain things, running away from certain things, and have since figured out how to stop and work through them, what is the process you used? How did you do it? How did you stop avoiding, stop running away, and then face whatever it is you needed to face?

Please share you comments, suggestions and thoughts below. Thank you.

Embracing All You Have Refused To Accept – Running Towards All You Have Been Running Away From

Longest… Title… Ever… As I sat down and asked myself, “Is there anything I want to write here?” Is the blog due another post?” it occurred to me that I have not written a teaching type article in a while. Not sure how long, but I am fairly certain that it has been some time. I wondered what I could teach you, and one of the things that came to mind was I could talk about what I am learning.

Time and again it has been told to me that I was avoiding, running away from, playing small, trying to be invisible, etc. I have been instructed to embrace my calling (which appears to be writing), to embrace my fear, to stop playing small, to stop running away from hurt, pain and rejection. I have been told that I have… Not sure the right words… Avoided success because I didn’t want to fail, or failed initially because I didn’t want t fail in a big way, as in after I had succeeded.

Until I was told these things I thought I was being responsible and facing my fears. But somehow I have been in continuous avoidance, running away and playing small all these years. All of this taking place I guess outside my conscious awareness. All of this taking place without me being aware of it at all. I wonder what kind of experiences I must have had as a child to essentially ask for help running away so I could stay invisible and not have to be hurt. I always thought I had a high tolerance for pain. Maybe physically, but inside, emotionally, I must be like that character Glass that Samuel Jackson plays. I must have been unable to tolerate it.

The path ahead of me is clear. I must embrace my calling, my fear, and everything I have been running away from. I must embrace failure, pain, success and everything else I may experience as I do what I came here to do, which is apparently to write, although what I do not know. I twisted things up inside so much that I couldn’t recognize writing as my calling – I am still not seeing it. I lost most of my enjoyment for it and all of my passion. I also have to stop playing small and making myself invisible. It isn’t serving anyone, especially me. I must embrace success and any sort of roller coaster ride of emotion that may come with it.

Don’t fuck things up like I have. I messed myself up so badly… All these things I was doing to distract myself, and because I also hated myself, hated my body and could not accept it. I did not know how deep the rot went.

So if there is something that, deep down inside, you know you must do, DO IT. Immediately! If there is anything you have been running away from, it is time to turn around and face it. Stop running, stop playing small, stop trying to make yourself invisible. Just stop. Find a way to love and accept yourself as you are, all of you as you are, every aspect that you think of as you. The longer you run away, the harder it will be to stop running. The more ingrained all the bad habits will be ingrained, and the stronger the spell of forgetfulness that you have cast on yourself.

If you are sitting there, reading this, wondering what the hell to do with your life, you have wandered too far from your calling. You are lost, and you have to find your way back. You have to remember that thing you used to do, maybe you still do, that used to bring you joy, that used to make you happy, that you used to get lost in doing for long stretches of time. Stop running away and allowing yourself to get distracted. Make the time and do that thing you are called to do.

I don’t have any sort of guaranteed process or any steps for you to go through. I am pointing towards the moon, but you have to find your own way there. I know the processes that have helped me to get to the place where I am waking up and starting to disentangle myself, and I will share all of that with you. But that process may not resonate or be the best for you. One thing you can do is to state your pain. State, out loud, that thing causing your pain, or that you are struggling with. Make yourself aware of it, write it down. That will be the first step in working through it.

You can do this. Embrace your power, take responsibility for the life you are experiencing. If you are not happy, it is time to change it.

You can do this.

Believe it!