My ending for the Magician King

This takes place right after Elliot gives Quentin the button at the end of The Magician King:

Quentin limply took the button from Elliot. It was not over. No. It couldn’t end like this. Quentin felt the rage boiling inside of him. He felt the pressure building, pushing against something. He felt it giving away, and he allowed it. Suddenly he was filled with power. Incredible power. Everything he had endured, all he had learned. It all came boiling to the surface and Quentin screamed, “NO!”

Then he hit Ember right between His fucking horns, and Ember flew back and hit the wall with a satisfying smack. “You think you can just use me and throw me away? Alice gave her life for this stupid world. We stopped the beast for You, and this is how You repay me?”

Quentin turned to the man and Eleanor, still stupidly sitting in their chairs. “You not only prevented me from going to the other world, you took away my crown, took Fillory away from me, and all over a stupid fucking passport! On top of that you were going to prevent Julia from joining her tree? Why? What fucking  purpose would that have served?” He felt the energy erupt through him, through the ground through the chairs and the people sitting on them. A giant gout of white-hot flame enveloped them, and then they were gone. It even burned away the sound of their screams. Nothing escaped.

Quentin felt himself growing bigger. As Ember shook Himself off and stood up he said, “All the people that have died for You and Your fucking world.” Quentin’s voice was growing deeper, “Everyone that has died while you” Quentin gestured to the scorch marks on the ground, “and they sat around and did nothing. We all suffered for You, and this is how You choose to repay us?”

The injustice of it was unbelievable. Ember started running towards him. Quentin stood there and waited. Just when He was about the hit him in the chest. Quentin grabbed His horns, spun around and threw Him against the wall. He hit with a sickening crunch. The force of it cause the bricks to crack and buckle. One of Ember’s horns had broken off in his hand. “You stupid fucking sheep!”

Quentin looked towards his former friends. He felt something hot and wet running down his cheeks. “You betrayed me. You used me and betrayed me. You knew what was going to happen. Everyone else gets to stay here. But I get nothing. Fuck you.” He was met with stunned silence.

Quentin turned away and walked for the still partially open door to the new world. Below him was a world waiting to be born. “Maybe I will be the God of this new world. I would certainly do a better job than Him.” The former magician king pointed at the still form of Ember, laying limply against the wall. Poppy started to say something, but he didn’t hear it. At the edge of world Quentin paused a moment, then jumped down. The door closed behind him.

Quentin had finally received His reward.

The End

I was so pissed off at what happened to Quentin at the end of The Magician King that I resolved to write an ending I thought was much more satisfying. I do realize that all through the series I have been wishing Quentin would just grow up, and the way the book is written it seems he has. It seems he needs to endure still more shit in his life to finally emerge a true king, if not in title, then in spirit and attitude. In short, the way the book is written, the way Quentin handles everything, is the last step towards his “growing up.”

Also Quentin chose this path, back on the hill, earlier in the book when he last met Ember. He said he wanted to be a hero, and now he is. But in Lev Grossman’s world a hero is someone who is always getting the short end of the sick, always doing the right thing for little or no reward. I am not sure what a hero really is, but if  hero is just a sucker given a title that makes him or her feel better, then I would rather be a villain.

Besides who says even God or gods get to make the rules? Even if they do, does that mean we just obey them unquestioningly and never fight them? No, I don’t think so. If I don’t like the rules you better bet your ass I am going to challenge them! I will look for the loophole, and if I fail to find it, as a last resort, I will find a way to destroy them!

So maybe Quentin will be better for all the shit he has gone through. But I don’t like it. Not at all.

I might have more to say on this later.



I screwed up. In talking to someone today, I said the wrong thing, they picked up on it, and now they are mad at me. I should’ve known better, based solely on past experience. But that is a problem too, and I will explain why shortly. I wish I could speak like Tom Selleck in Blue Bloods, in his role as the Commissioner. He speaks with such authority, force and sureness. He acts like he is taking a moment to consider every response.

I struggle in my communication with others, and incidents like tonight’s leave me feeling like a scolded little child. A child caught doing something naughty. And I am 40-fucking-2 years old! I should never have to feel that way. I should be able to speak authoritatively. But this is not the reality I get to experience. Everyone else seems so much more adult and mature than I am. Yet I have age and experience – I have been around the sun as many times as they have if not more.

I am not sure I will ever understand what I am doing wrong, how to change it, or how to create any better experience of reality for myself in this area. I guess I will just always have to struggle with this, even when I am an old man, with many orbits and years of experience under my belt. For now I will just have to settle with this public confession, and an attempt at unraveling this mess and making it easier to grasp.

One of the issues is that what I was saying did not match what I was feeling, what was going on mentally and subsciously. I was not entirely honest in my communication. I was deceitful. It was not with any sort of malicious intent. I had looked at the menu, and I knew how much the gift certificate was worth, and it was little in comparison to the amount of items at that location. For a 4-piece fish and chips, it is nearly $25.00, $5.00 more than what I was given. So this stuff was going on in the back of my mind.

I was, and am, extremely and truly grateful for the gift. But if I am being honest, which I wasn’t then, and am being now, it was not one of the places I planned on going and it is not enough money to cover a bill that for five people will be in excess of $100.00. My “little” gift certificate, in the face of that cost, really is a tiny amount, a mere %20 of what would be needed.

But you can’t say any of that to someone who has given you a gift that, to them, is an exorbitant amount of money. Also it’s not even about that. There is social etiquette here, showing true appreciation, receiving the gift graciously the same way one would receive the highest of honors. I should conduct myself like someone receiving the Medal of Valor or whatever the highest honor a civilian is that an American citizen can receive for extraordinary service. I am not joking. Had I acted like that, I would not have offended this person.

What it comes down to is that both of us are responsible for the interaction and resulting offence. I gave the offence, certainly. But the offended party chose to be offended. How this person took what I said is entirely up to them. That is their part in this.

So in our interactions, and in the interactions between any two people, someone has to be the “bigger person.” Someone has to be the one to be very careful and considerate with what they say, thinking about every word before it is uttered. Someone has to have the highest of motivations, being motivated by love or as close to it as possible in all their responses. Someone has to be the one operating at the highest frequency and vibration as possible. That burden rests squarely on my shoulders, for no other reason that I am aware and conscious of the issue, and am also practicing being fully aware and conscious.

I can not base my responses on past experience, because that is criticism and judgment, and it will come out in what I say. As I have said before, just because something has happened in the past is no guarantee it will happen in the future. We all have the capacity for change, and if I respond to this person expecting them to be as they were, I will find myself reinforcing the way they have been, or if they have changed, I will find that my responses are unfair and no longer applicable. In other words, I have to take each and every conversation in a bubble of that moment in time only, sealed away from past and future. No expectations of any kind as to how the person will respond. Something that is very difficult to do.

I have to retrain myself entirely in how I interact with other people, and interacting with other people is already hard enough for me! I have to take each conversation I have like it is our first one, with no experience or preconceptions about the person I am communicating with. On top of that I have to be in harmony with myself, honest in what I say, not being deceitful for hiding anything. On top of that I have to be motivated by love, as as close to love as possible, operating at the highest vibration and frequency possible.

I come away from this wondering why things have to be so fucking hard. Why I have to be the one tiptoeing through a virtual minefield. Why I have to be the one to change. Why I have to jump through so many hoops. I felt the same way about dating, and making friends. It seems like it is far more difficult for me, that I have to do so much more, than anyone else. I look around and see couples and it seems to me, in fact I am pretty sure, they didn’t have to deal with half the shit it seems I have to deal with.

So I am feeling guilty and ashamed right now. Also a little angry and self-righteous. This mule is tired of getting whipped! I will apologize to the person I offended. I will be sincere and honest in my apology. But I am fucking tired of being the one who is always apologizing and going through all this bullshit. I wish I could talk to people straight up, cut right to the chase, tell it like it is, tell them exactly how I feel, with the assurance and certainty that they will not take offence, never take offence, and in doing the same with me, receive the same from me. I wish things were as easy for me as they are for everyone else. I am tired of fighting a war it seems I will never win, one which nobody gives a shit about.

Try to sift through the detritus and swear words to find the little nuggets of teaching here. I know it’s hard, but feel what you feel, acknowledge and admit your feelings, embrace them and let them go when you are ready, and be honest about your feelings. Let that honest come through the things you say, and try, as best you can, to be empowering, edifying, positive and uplifting in all your conversations. Let your motives be pure, and operate at the highest vibration and frequency possible.

If you fail to do these things, it will catch you out, as it did me. People can pick up on things, even talking to you over the phone. So think about each and every word before it leaves your mouth. In a situation like mine, focus on the giving, the spirit in that, and not the gift. Find what you can honestly appreciate and are thankful for, and when you thank that person, focus on and think about that.

Hopefully in sharing this, you can avoid making my mistake.

The Rules

  1. Challenge all assumptions and question everything.
    Never accept what anyone says without thinking about it, and don’t make any assumptions about anything.
  2. Nothing is “real.”
    There is no reality “out there.” What you perceive reflects what you believe.
  3. Find your own answers.
    Nobody and no system has all the answers, and the answers they do have are not your answers, based on your own experience.
  4. Practice awareness of your beliefs daily.
    Think about what you “believe” or “know.” Ask yourself why you feel or think these things are true.
  5. Choose what empowers you or feels good.
    If it doesn’t empower you or make you feel good, stop. Stop doing it, stop listening it, and just walk away.
  6. Practice awareness of your feelings daily.
    Embrace everything you feel. When you are done feeling something, release it and let it go. There are no good or bad feelings, just feelings.
  7. Flow not force.
    Don’t try to force or make anything happen. Simply set your intention and allow yourself to flow towards your goal. You may not end up where you wanted, but you will end up in the best place for you.
  8. Practice loving and accepting yourself, exactly as you are, daily.
    Be true to you! Be honest about who you are and what you feel. You have to be able to love and accept yourself before you can love and accept anyone else. If you give love to yourself, you will have love to give to others.
  9. There is never just one way.
    Just because something has been done a certain way for a long period of time does not mean it is the best or only way to do it. Length of time does not equate “best”, “only” or “right.”

On Writing

All these
books on writing
asking me to recall
some pleasant memory
from my childhood,
but I cannot recall
even a single one!

Nothing. Nada.

All I remember
is leaving the house
all the time, biking
around the country
with my brother
collecting cans for
candy and junk food.

Where are those
happy memories
that others have?
Playing catch
with their dad
or learning how
to ride a bike?

Why don’t I have any?
Was my childhood
really that unhappy?
Or are unhappy things
easier to remember
and happy things
easier to forget?

I can not draw
any conclusions,
I just get stuck
on these types
of exercises
or am forced
to skip them.

Who knew writing was so hard?