Remember

A song plays, and I remember
what I consider to be my greatest work.
A masterpiece, born of passion, born of love.

An ember in my heart burns bright, flames anew, flickers, dies,
leaving this warm afterglow deep inside me,
leaving a yearning, a desire to create this again!

The highway continues on, seeming forever,
I am carried forward, always moving on,
I have not yet reached my destination.

The Storm

I enter.

My mom starts talking about
how great and good God is,
the way that tree fell.

I feel such a surge
of hatred, anger and maybe
even a little bitterness.

But I choke back my words,
and say nothing at all because
I don’t want to hurt her.

I exit.

I have come to feel
that everyone is entitled
to their beliefs.

I just wish they would
stop shoving them down,
my throat, smothering me.

Is it too much to ask
that you respect my right
to believe as I wish???

I am doing that for you,
though your unquestioning,
sheep-like behavior wounds me.

When will humanity evolve
past the need to define God
and simply accept things as they are?

When will they let go
of the old, the outdated,
beliefs of others, long dead?

Will they ever learn
to define God for themselves
and respect each person’s experience?

The wind rages, trees fall,
limbs are blown across the lawn,
reflecting the storm within my soul.

Embracing All You Have Refused To Accept – Running Towards All You Have Been Running Away From

Longest… Title… Ever… As I sat down and asked myself, “Is there anything I want to write here?” Is the blog due another post?” it occurred to me that I have not written a teaching type article in a while. Not sure how long, but I am fairly certain that it has been some time. I wondered what I could teach you, and one of the things that came to mind was I could talk about what I am learning.

Time and again it has been told to me that I was avoiding, running away from, playing small, trying to be invisible, etc. I have been instructed to embrace my calling (which appears to be writing), to embrace my fear, to stop playing small, to stop running away from hurt, pain and rejection. I have been told that I have… Not sure the right words… Avoided success because I didn’t want to fail, or failed initially because I didn’t want t fail in a big way, as in after I had succeeded.

Until I was told these things I thought I was being responsible and facing my fears. But somehow I have been in continuous avoidance, running away and playing small all these years. All of this taking place I guess outside my conscious awareness. All of this taking place without me being aware of it at all. I wonder what kind of experiences I must have had as a child to essentially ask for help running away so I could stay invisible and not have to be hurt. I always thought I had a high tolerance for pain. Maybe physically, but inside, emotionally, I must be like that character Glass that Samuel Jackson plays. I must have been unable to tolerate it.

The path ahead of me is clear. I must embrace my calling, my fear, and everything I have been running away from. I must embrace failure, pain, success and everything else I may experience as I do what I came here to do, which is apparently to write, although what I do not know. I twisted things up inside so much that I couldn’t recognize writing as my calling – I am still not seeing it. I lost most of my enjoyment for it and all of my passion. I also have to stop playing small and making myself invisible. It isn’t serving anyone, especially me. I must embrace success and any sort of roller coaster ride of emotion that may come with it.

Don’t fuck things up like I have. I messed myself up so badly… All these things I was doing to distract myself, and because I also hated myself, hated my body and could not accept it. I did not know how deep the rot went.

So if there is something that, deep down inside, you know you must do, DO IT. Immediately! If there is anything you have been running away from, it is time to turn around and face it. Stop running, stop playing small, stop trying to make yourself invisible. Just stop. Find a way to love and accept yourself as you are, all of you as you are, every aspect that you think of as you. The longer you run away, the harder it will be to stop running. The more ingrained all the bad habits will be ingrained, and the stronger the spell of forgetfulness that you have cast on yourself.

If you are sitting there, reading this, wondering what the hell to do with your life, you have wandered too far from your calling. You are lost, and you have to find your way back. You have to remember that thing you used to do, maybe you still do, that used to bring you joy, that used to make you happy, that you used to get lost in doing for long stretches of time. Stop running away and allowing yourself to get distracted. Make the time and do that thing you are called to do.

I don’t have any sort of guaranteed process or any steps for you to go through. I am pointing towards the moon, but you have to find your own way there. I know the processes that have helped me to get to the place where I am waking up and starting to disentangle myself, and I will share all of that with you. But that process may not resonate or be the best for you. One thing you can do is to state your pain. State, out loud, that thing causing your pain, or that you are struggling with. Make yourself aware of it, write it down. That will be the first step in working through it.

You can do this. Embrace your power, take responsibility for the life you are experiencing. If you are not happy, it is time to change it.

You can do this.

Believe it!

Message to the Monster

You use darkness
to persecute that which
you call darkness,
because you are unable
to face the darkness
deep within yourself.

You try to control
everything outside you
because you are unable
to control yourself.

You are weak,
but want to appear strong,
you think that strength
comes from power,
that if you can force your will
on others you must be powerful,
but you are weak
because true strength
comes from inside.

Deep inside, deep down inside
you are rotten and corrupted,
you look for demons outside you,
but you are the real demon
and with your every act,
your every evil deed,
you feed the demon
and make it stronger.

You are not merely a flawed human,
you are a flaw, dressed as a human.
You are not worth saving,
Your only value lies in your death,
so that your stinking frame
will no longer haunt this world.

We will all be better off
without you here,
the day you die
will be the happiest,
most joyous day
in human history.

Life I Want To Live

What is it that compels those
who claim to love us, who claim to care,
to suggest we keep trying,
to put ourselves out there?

Why would you tell someone you love,
someone you call a friend,
to go out there, knowing full well
what awaits them?

Perhaps there are some things
we just have to accept,
perhaps some things truly are hopeless
with no solution to it.

I tried, I really did,
and I was rejected again,
proving, once more, that trying
is not a means to a successful end.

No matter how hard
you flap your arms
you will never rise
up from the ground.

I guess some of us
are just born with rotten luck
and I am one of them;
I really should just give up.

As far as I can see
life has been cruel to me.
I have done and tried my best
but consistently failed every test.

I am done with this, done with those who tell me
to keep going, to keep trying,
when to do so would only bring me more pain
as I am not living a life I want to live.

Never Be

I do not exist for you, do I?
I am like a stray asteroid,
outside the orbit of your universe.
It is so cold here in the dark.

I long for the light of your sun.
I wish I could live in a reality,
where, at the very least,
you could acknowledge me.

I would do just about anything
to have you in my life,
to touch you, see you naked
and make love to you.

I am attracted to you,
I find you so alluring,
but I have nothing to offer you,
you are so far out of my league.

I am drawn to you,
but I can’t look at you anymore,
because it hurts me so much,
knowing what I know.

I feel even lonelier now
than when I came.
I am suffering,
and in so much pain!

I wish I could change things.
I wish a different fate awaited me.
I hate my life, all this longing
for things that can never be.

 

Convince Me

I can’t see the beauty that you see,
life is ugly to me.
Only the world itself has any beauty.

I know you want me to believe
that life is beautiful,
but I just think that’s a load of bull.

Certainly, there are beautiful things
“out there”,
but I have seen too few of them to care.

Life for me is pain, loss and struggle,
full of
dreams and desires I will never fulfill.

But I am an excellent student,
a good pupil.

If you can find a way to show me
just how life is beautiful,
I will, finally, be able to let go
of all this pain, all this suffering,
and I will, finally, have a reason
to keep living, once again.

 

The Quiet Ones

He looks at me intensely,
dying to speak, but his voice
is drowned out by the voices of others.

Give me the awareness
to take this one aside
and let them talk to me!

Give me the ability
to listen to them, to hear them,
to not interrupt or offer advice!

It is the quiet ones
who need us to hear them.

Be sure to invest some time
with any of the quiet ones
who have entered into your life.

Because the one who has pain
yet is unable to share it, to speak it
is the one the pain may overwhelm,

with tragic consequences.