Longest… Title… Ever… As I sat down and asked myself, “Is there anything I want to write here?” Is the blog due another post?” it occurred to me that I have not written a teaching type article in a while. Not sure how long, but I am fairly certain that it has been some time. I wondered what I could teach you, and one of the things that came to mind was I could talk about what I am learning.
Time and again it has been told to me that I was avoiding, running away from, playing small, trying to be invisible, etc. I have been instructed to embrace my calling (which appears to be writing), to embrace my fear, to stop playing small, to stop running away from hurt, pain and rejection. I have been told that I have… Not sure the right words… Avoided success because I didn’t want to fail, or failed initially because I didn’t want t fail in a big way, as in after I had succeeded.
Until I was told these things I thought I was being responsible and facing my fears. But somehow I have been in continuous avoidance, running away and playing small all these years. All of this taking place I guess outside my conscious awareness. All of this taking place without me being aware of it at all. I wonder what kind of experiences I must have had as a child to essentially ask for help running away so I could stay invisible and not have to be hurt. I always thought I had a high tolerance for pain. Maybe physically, but inside, emotionally, I must be like that character Glass that Samuel Jackson plays. I must have been unable to tolerate it.
The path ahead of me is clear. I must embrace my calling, my fear, and everything I have been running away from. I must embrace failure, pain, success and everything else I may experience as I do what I came here to do, which is apparently to write, although what I do not know. I twisted things up inside so much that I couldn’t recognize writing as my calling – I am still not seeing it. I lost most of my enjoyment for it and all of my passion. I also have to stop playing small and making myself invisible. It isn’t serving anyone, especially me. I must embrace success and any sort of roller coaster ride of emotion that may come with it.
Don’t fuck things up like I have. I messed myself up so badly… All these things I was doing to distract myself, and because I also hated myself, hated my body and could not accept it. I did not know how deep the rot went.
So if there is something that, deep down inside, you know you must do, DO IT. Immediately! If there is anything you have been running away from, it is time to turn around and face it. Stop running, stop playing small, stop trying to make yourself invisible. Just stop. Find a way to love and accept yourself as you are, all of you as you are, every aspect that you think of as you. The longer you run away, the harder it will be to stop running. The more ingrained all the bad habits will be ingrained, and the stronger the spell of forgetfulness that you have cast on yourself.
If you are sitting there, reading this, wondering what the hell to do with your life, you have wandered too far from your calling. You are lost, and you have to find your way back. You have to remember that thing you used to do, maybe you still do, that used to bring you joy, that used to make you happy, that you used to get lost in doing for long stretches of time. Stop running away and allowing yourself to get distracted. Make the time and do that thing you are called to do.
I don’t have any sort of guaranteed process or any steps for you to go through. I am pointing towards the moon, but you have to find your own way there. I know the processes that have helped me to get to the place where I am waking up and starting to disentangle myself, and I will share all of that with you. But that process may not resonate or be the best for you. One thing you can do is to state your pain. State, out loud, that thing causing your pain, or that you are struggling with. Make yourself aware of it, write it down. That will be the first step in working through it.
You can do this. Embrace your power, take responsibility for the life you are experiencing. If you are not happy, it is time to change it.
You can do this.