When I was a little boy I used to look up at the clouds and imagine being up there. I wanted to travel up there. I wanted to explore the landscape of the clouds. I wanted to get away, I think, from things down here on the ground. I don’t think that desire has ever really left me.
I realized today that, like the character Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of Caribbean movies, I have my own “beastie” to face. I truly believe that if it had a real, physical form, that somehow it would be easier to face it and defeat it. I tell myself that I would have no trouble facing down the creature. That I would be brave enough or courageous enough.
It seems to me that because my “beastie” has no physical form that it somehow makes things more difficult. There is nothing definite I can go after, no creature I can defeat that will somehow make everything right. In other words, it is easier to jump into the mouth of a real, living monster than it is to jump into the mouth of some ephemeral, intelligible thing.
If all my troubles would just take a physical form, I could vanquish them, quickly and easily. I am sure of it. I am no warrior, no swordsman, but if I had something physical in front of me that I needed to destroy, which by vanquishing it would free some aspect of myself, then I could, and would, kill it.
Anyone can swing a sword or point a gun. I don’t have to be terribly good at either. If my monster somehow defeated me, ending my life, that would be OK. I would have fought and died for something that had value to me, namely my freedom from it.
But I am certain that the fight would end with me standing victorious. Maybe bloody, probably injured, but I could tap into years of rage to give me extra strength to defeat my opponent. I know I would succeed, that I would win. I know it.
But since my “beastie” is not physical, since it has no definite form, it is able to strike me from where I am weakest. My mind and emotions. It can hide, lurking in the shadows, strike out and then fade away. It can do this tirelessly, for years and years, wearing me down, weakening my spirit, and it has.
Just when I think I have a lead, I have its location pegged, just when I am about to strike, it moves away, unnoticed, unseen. Even when I do manage to hurt it, it seems another monster, another aspect of myself that must be faced, pops up. It is like a hydra, cut off one head, one aspect, another takes its place. It just never ends. I am weary with the constant changes to myself I must make.
Worse still I don’t know exactly what effect any of of this is having. I see no outward improvement in my physical circumstances or situation. I can’t be sure that the changes I have made in myself, to this point, have had any effect on anything that matters to me.
I am still pretty much as I was, in the circumstances and situations of my life. Inside I may have changed, but what good is inward change if it doesn’t lead to the desired outward change? It is a waste of time and energy, as far as I am concerned. I am exhausted.
Even my minor victories, if they can be called that, are made moot by the simple fact that I find myself constantly slipping into old patterns of thought. I find myself with the same unwanted habits. The record of my life keeps skipping over the same part, endlessly, and nothing I have done so far has changed this.
I wish I could face my ego and all its attendant crap man to man in physical combat to the death. I wish I could just rip the damn thing out of me, along with anything else I don’t want to be a part of me. I wouldn’t even care what kind of damage it may do to me as a person. If I could just rip all this bullshit out, I may be insane, or I may die, but for a few moments at least, I would have peace.
I can’t live as I have anymore. I learned this when I left grandma’s house and started my bicycle journey. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed away. Stayed out there. But I had nowhere to stay, no way to support myself. I also had some more lessons I needed to learn. I learned what I needed from that trip.
I am impatient with the holding pattern and ruts of my life, my current life experience. I have to get away from my parents, from my family, and establish myself. I have to face this “beastie” of mine in the one definite way I know how, and that is to begin then complete a novel of publishable length.
Not because that will fix all my problems. Not because I will become a millionaire. But simply because this is one monster I have been avoiding, and in facing it I face all the things that created it and set it before me. I will push through, and in some important area of my life I will have succeeded.
Any major success I can achieve will have magical, transformation powers on me. I know this! Until then I am just going through the emotions of living, running away, cowering before my “beastie,” unable and unwilling to face it and jump in, sword swinging.
Do not make my mistake! Face your beastie, whoever, whatever it is. Whatever form or non-form it may take. Tangible or intangible. Find a way, somehow, to follow your heart, that voice inside, guiding you. Ignore the voices in your head, or the voices of others that do not support your quest.
You must not fail! Your quest is just as important as Frodo’s quest to destroy the ring, and Jack Sparrow’s facing his “beastie,” and in doing so, save others, even if he was not initially willing. In order for you to live the life you came here to live, some parts of you have to die.
It will be painful. It will hurt. It may shatter you, leaving you to put yourself back together again. Beliefs systems may be challenged, questioned and ultimately shattered. Pull through, tear down the walls you have built around yourself, break the chains with which you have bound yourself, unlock and destroy any cage in which you have locked yourself.
Free yourself to be who you came here to be, to live the live you came here to live. You have to follow that dream, or risk living a nightmare. For your sake, and the sake of all you will touch in a meaningful, profound way, you must not fail!
Even as I say these words to you, I am saying them to myself. I don’t know how to tell when its time to give up. I am sure there is some point in a life where continuing to struggle is meaningless. Sometimes I think I am nearing that point. Other times I understand there are still more things I can and should do. There are options I must explore, just a few more things to try.
All I know for sure is that I am not ready to quit just yet. So I will be right there, fighting right alongside you, in similar battles of my own. Sometimes the fight isn’t really resistance and fighting at all. Sometimes it is just being still and letting go. It is just release. It is non-action.
We must always keep in mind that since our enemies are mostly non-physical, the rules for defeating them are not the same as the rules of the physical world. In the physical world you take action. In the non-physical world, you allow. You flow. Because resistance to a thing makes it stronger. Fighting a thing reinforces its reality, makes it become real. The more we give our attention to something we do not want, the more we attract what we do not want.
So the terms of battle make little sense sometimes. We have to keep in mind the things we want for ourselves, for others. We have to visualize them to draw them into our life experience. We have to acknowledge our monsters, then release them and let them go, freeing ourselves of them. We just continue to keep our eyes on the prize, whatever it is we desire.
It isn’t about positive or negative thinking. We have to embrace both. Its about staying focused on what we want. It’s about not responding when someone does something we normally respond to, staying on our “high flying disc,” remaining at our higher frequency or vibration.
It’s about allowing ourselves to be as we are, even as we allow others to be as they are. We don’t try to force change. It is about flow, not force. Flow is downstream, to what we desire. Force is upstream, away from what we desire.
It seems counter-intuitive and it doesn’t make a lot of sense. And I can’t be sure that even this is the “right path” or the “truth.” It seems to me, at this point in my life, that it is. It seems to me that this is the right battle plan for the opponents I now face. But only my own personal experience will reveal to me, in time, if I have chosen correctly. If I have finally found any sort of answer. It will be the same for you.
We all have to find our way and figure out this thing called life. We all have to find our own path. So if these words ring true with you, if they resonate with you, listen to them. Follow them and your own heart. If they do not, don’t. Just follow your heart until you find what does.
Remember you are not alone. We are all in this together, we are all facing our individual “beasties,” the absolute best thing we can do for each other is love and accept ourselves so we can love and accept each other. To respond with love, letting peace and love rule our hearts. To follow our dreams and our hearts, encouraging others to do the same and supporting them while they do.
I will meet you on the fields of battle, and later, we shall drink in the halls of Valhalla, with all the other mighty warriors who have come before us!