The Problem with Suicide

This is a subject that has been on my mind for some time now. I meant to come in here and write a post, but kept putting it off. I would like to say it is because I am too busy or something, and while that may be true, I am not sure I can honestly say that is the reason. Also I may have talked about this subject before. This post represents my current perspectives on it.

In our modern society, with the possible exceptions within certain cultures, suicide is looked on as something abhorrent. We don’t want to talk about it. We don’t want to support others in their choice of life termination. If you were to Google for a painless way to kill yourself, for some plant or something you could take so it wouldn’t hurt so much, you will find next to nothing.

That’s the other side of this whole thing. We want those who would choose to kill themselves to suffer. The Christian religion teaches that such people will go to hell. If someone came up to any medical professional and stated they wanted to kill themselves, and they wanted help, they would be locked away for an “overnight observation.” We simply can not fathom that anyone would want to do this. We can not accept it either.

If someone we know has killed themselves, we would be hard pressed not to feel affronted, hurt or offended by their actions. I have seen this issue from many different angles. From a friend who had a friend commit suicide, and how he (at that time he was a he) would not tolerate my then thoughts of killing myself. Giving me a guilt trip of how he had already gone through this. Then later I had someone I once called a friend kill herself.

Yes, initially I hurt. Why didn’t she talk to me about it? How could she, she was so happy with this young man she met online – he took her around the world. Then anger at her for doing such a stupid thing. But unlike my former male, former friend, I have come to accept what she did. I have come to see that it is indeed her choice, her right. I still wish I could have done something to help, so she wouldn’t have had to come to such a decision.

But now, if I had a friend come to me and say they were going to kill themselves, I know I would support them. Of course I would try to help them change their mind. I would do all I could without risking our friendship to get them to be absolutely certain about what they wanted to do. But if, after I had done all I could as their friend to help them reconsider their chosen course of action, they were still set in their course, I would assist them, help them, support them all I could.

Because you can’t honestly be a true friend to someone if you can’t respect their choices, if there is any limit in how far you will go for them. In this sense I have not been a true friend to my formerly-male friend. I was, and still am, unable to support them in their choice of gender change. So I speak only of ideals here, how I would prefer to be. The reality may be much different. We are all works in progress.

I have come to see that suicide is not a sin. It is not bad or wrong. If indeed we have reincarnated to these lives we now lead, and have chosen the initial circumstances and situations of our entry into this world, and if indeed this life is really a classroom where souls come to learn lessons they assign themselves, then suicide is just skipping class. Maybe we were not able to handle the lessons we were learning. I could no more judge a person for killing themselves than I would criticize a child for not going to school.

We expend far too much effort trying to control each other in a pointless, stupid attempt to find happiness in external circumstances. “If only she would do this…” “If only he would do that…” “If only they would do this…” “If only I could have that…” then I would be happy, then the world would be a better place, etc. Ridiculous! The world is perfect as it is, and each person is perfect as they are! There are no mistakes here, and no right or wrong, bad or good from all viewpoints outside the physical.

Still there is a problem with self-termination that I think it may be some help pointing out. Suicide is a very strong focus on what is not wanted. Think about that for a minute. Why do people kill themselves, or each other for that matter? Because there is something they don’t want. I know this to be true because the friend who killed herself did so because there was something she was experiencing she did not want to experience any longer. Her beliefs, her faith and religion, led her to believe that what she was experiencing was somehow evil, and this, so I was told, was why she killed herself. She has become one more victim, one of the millions since the start of recorded human history, to religious indoctrination.

It was the opposite for me. I did not kill myself, though I considered it many times, out of fear of going to hell. I had the same faith as my friend who killed herself. I don’t know how her fear of hell became less strong than her fear of what she was experiencing. I can only imagine the internal stresses that were likely going on inside her. It is one more reason why I want nothing to do with any religion. The last thing I need in my life are any beliefs that bring me fear, do not support me and try to control my behavior.

If my behavior were meant to be controlled, I would have been born with a remote! My parents could just press the Off button to send me to bed, and the On button to wake me up again. The Volume buttons to increase or decrease my volume. Change the channel if they didn’t like a particular behavior. Yes, I know this sounds silly but it demonstrates a solid point. We are born without a remote precisely because we are not meant to be controlled. We are human beings, not robots!

This is a classroom in the truest sense. There is nobody trying to steer us in any particular direction. We choose our own courses of action. We learn in the process of doing so. This is why we came here in the first place. Even the act of suicide teaches the non-physical aspect of us a lesson.

I don’t think suicide is a necessary course of action for anyone to pursue. Maybe some come into this world to experience it. But the majority of those considering suicide are too strongly focused on things they do not want, eventually driving them to do it. If they could focus as strongly on the opposite of whatever is driving them, maybe they could manifest whatever it is they want into the experience of their lives.

I know that for me I can no longer entertain the thought of suicide, even though I could certainly justify it, because when I am in that particular mindset I am unable to operate properly in the world. What I mean by that is that as long as I am thinking about suicide, I remain in a very dark and negative frame of mind. So it becomes very hard for me to be motivated. To care. I can’t smile or laugh. I can’t experience any happiness of joy. Most importantly of all I can not think about the things I want. The thoughts of suicide are just too big, they take up too much space. You can only be of one mind or the other, and that’s the main issue here.

Sure, it may make things easier, or at least it may seem like it would. And yes, whatever pain we are feeling would cease. But if life really is a classroom, and if our souls are really here in physical form to learn certain lessons, we are just going to keep coming back to the same issue, life after life, until we learn what we need to learn from it. It’s like restarting a race in a video game over and over again. How many times can you restart the race, playing the same section of tack, over and over, until you either quit the game or just let it go and allow yourself to proceed?

I know that may seem just as confining as any religious beliefs attempting to control your behavior. But there is no fear lurking in the background here. You focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want, because you enjoy life and the process of living more while you are focused on the things you want. If you withdraw and focus on what you do not want, living becomes very painful and unbearable. Why cause ourselves unnecessary pain? Aren’t we in enough pain already, to even be here, talking about this?

You are not alone. More than you realize. You are connected to every other being on this planet, this planet herself and even the entire universe. You are connected to the brightest stars in the sky and the darkest black holes. The energy of worlds is running through your physical body.

You are far more powerful than you realize. When you begin to think about the things you want with as much energy, focus, drive and passion as you are now focusing on what you don’t want and your ultimate response of suicide, you will, figuratively and literally, be able to move mountains. There is no limit to your power and the things you can do other than what you have set, or allow others to set for you.

So take all this energy you now have directed towards killing yourself, and put it on freeing yourself instead. Refuse to settle for anything less than the life you want to live, and then go out and live it. This is the very same process that I am learning, even now as I write this. May things be far easier for you!

You are also not alone in feeling alone. Feeling like you do not fit. That there is no place in this world for you. The simple truth is that if you shouldn’t be here, you wouldn’t be. The very fact that you are here means that you belong here and there is a place in this world for you.

Maybe you can’t get there in your mind yet. That’s OK. Just know that I know how you feel. I truly do – I am not just saying that. A few days ago I felt it so keenly. I feel like an alien. I see couples walking together, I watch people operating in the world, and I just don’t understand. I feel like there is some training I missed somewhere. I feel like everyone else knows how to be in the world except me. For me, everything feels so much harder, almost unnatural. I struggle. I want to say hi to other people, I want to make guy and gal friends. I want to have a girlfriend. But I am stymied by the whole process.

When I went to Sakura-Con, where people more like me were wandering around in the hundreds, I still felt completely alone, alien, like I did not fit in. I still feel even now that if I was normal, if I was like everyone else, I would have at the very least made some friends and possibly even gotten laid. Anime loves, video game lovers, geeks – these are the people to whom I most relate. And yet I still felt somehow different, separate – like I didn’t fit in, and my experiences at the Con reflected these feelings.

So I am not just another person talking out of my ass while I have a beautiful woman hanging off my arm, a couple of children, a nice house and all the other things we associate with someone who belongs, who fits into the world. No, I am writing this alone, living in an RV with my parents, soon to graduate next year, having made far too few friends during my year at college, and not having any idea what the hell I am going to do after I graduate and where the hell I am going to go. And I am far, far too old to be having these feelings. Everyone else my age, almost without exception, has a family and a place where they belong… A house, a home.

So when I say I understand, you damn well better believe I do! More than you can ever possibly know. And when I say that the way out is through, not quitting, not throwing up the white flag, you better damn well believe it is! I can speak with authority because I speak from my own experience. I have tried living with thoughts of suicide. I have tried keeping thoughts of killing myself in the back of my mind, on the back burner as it were, a possible escape hatch to get me the hell outta here if things didn’t work out. Neither were conductive to my success or any feeling of good.

I at least want to enjoy my life, as much as I can considering my circumstances and situation, and I want to succeed more than fail. I have found the only way I can do that is to drop any thought of killing myself, with no intention of picking it up again. I have not managed to completely release it yet. It is very hard, the sucker holds on very strongly when you are in the shit.

But my energy and focus is now more directed towards what I want to be, do and have. I am releasing myself self-imposed limitations, and things are starting to show up. Little things. But something is better than nothing. I’ll take some progress over none! Only time will tell if pushing through is worth it. Right now I fiercely believe, and will teach, that it is. But I won’t know for sure until I punch through the blackness and come out on the other side.

I will get through this! One of the nice things about it is that while I value life, I like to think that it will be easier to lay mine down if absolutely necessary, ad if no other course of action is available. I like to think I would not be panicking in some sort of situation where I could be killed. I no longer hate my life, but I am certainly not going to be unhappy to be freed from it, especially if I can accomplish anything meaningful in the act of doing so! Truly meaningful, not what the world defines as meaningful. This sort of detachment from any strong desire to live might be useful someday. I take small comfort in that.

For now I just do what I have to do. One step in front of the next. I focus as much as I can on the things I want. I take time to enjoy myself as much as I can. I deny myself few pleasures. And I remember to give thanks for every meal, every good thing that happens. I can even find the beauty in a cold, foggy and rainy fall day like this one. I look out and see how some of the trees appear to be on fire with all their bright autumn colors. I find I can appreciate beauty, whether it is some music I am listening to, some words I am reading or something I see. It keeps me going, keeps my feelings of alienation and loneliness in the background, like so much white noise. If I ever learn a better way of dealing with it, I will do that, and share it here.

No platitudes here in closing. Just simple Spock-logic: If you are thinking about what you do not want, you can not think about what you do want.

So practice thinking about what you do want. Let go of your thoughts of suicide. Try to shift all that energy and focus into what you do want. Refuse to take any less, accept no substitutes! Crusade for what you want and go after that with as much as single-minded purpose as you may have had up to this point towards killing yourself. Just give it a try. See if you can’t take life by the balls, make it squeal and give you what you want.

If you have tried everything, exhausted every option, and you still just want to end it and get the hell out of here, well, please accept this virtual hug from me first, then proceed with my blessing and full support.

You are not a failure – you did not fail, and you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. If your loved ones can’t accept your chosen course of action that’s on them. You have let others push you around long enough. if your loved ones can not support you in this, then their love is conditional, which means it is not absolute or true.

Bear no grudges! Forgive them, love them, release as much as you can as you leave. Take as little from this world as possible. Know that you are loved (you are, in fact, love) and someday, when you face these challenges again, you will make it through them. I believe in you, no matter what.

For all of us that choose to remain, keep on fighting! Believe you will get through this (we will all get through this) know it, claim it as truth.

Now turn up those speakers!


How Do You See Yourself?

I recently purchased a book entitled, “Thoughts Are Things.” This is the Earnest Holmes version, not the Prentice Mulford version I was after. The first page of the text after the introduction was all about how a person sees themselves. I realized that I have not been seeing myself in a very good way. I had been seeing myself as suffering from allergic reactions instead of being healthy, poor instead of rich, lonely instead of surrounded by friends, directionless and uncertain instead of having confidently set my course, etc.

I came to understand how insidious this issue really is. Using a real-life example, most convicts get released from prison and find themselves going right back to a life of crime. Now I don’t know if this is true, and I don’t know what these ex-convicts are thinking. But I have a feeling, a hunch, that they have bought into the belief that the majority of criminals return to a life of crime. Likely they also believe there is no other way for them to have the life they want. Finally they almost certainly don’t see themselves as free from a life of crime, having the lives they desire, enjoying themselves, being happy.

I would be surprised if I ever met a former criminal who thought that way. But if I did I would no longer be looking at someone with a criminal mentality, which is ultimately a lack and limitation mentality. I would be looking at someone who found a way to live their lives free of crime. Someone who has changed how they thought about not only the world, but also about themselves. That is the key, It is most important.

It will do you absolutely no good to tell yourself the Universe provides and things are going t work out, like I have, if you don’t see yourself as receiving of the abundance of the Universe, if you don’t see things working out in your life. You will perpetuate the undesired, unwanted state you are in, and that is exactly what has happened to me.

You have to have confidence in yourself, you have to believe in yourself, you have to love and accept yourself as you are. If people say things that tear you down, you have to stop buying into what they are saying. It is a control mechanism. These people, no matter how much they profess to love you, no matter how much you believe they mean well, are trying, usually not consciously, to keep you down, keep you unchanged. Your changing threatens them.

My mom did this to me tonight. Two things she said in response to things I had said. She was talking to dad, and I could tell in her tone of voice she was guilt-tripping him. I told him that mom was trying to take him on a guilt trip again. She denied this, asked me, “What’s wrong with you?” and told me that I was judging her. I realized something later. By saying I was judging her, she was actually judging me. And her response to my observation was an attack because I was likely right.

I did not have to say anything when I observed what I did in her tone of voice. And I could be wrong. I claim any responsibility I need to claim in this incident. And ultimately I guess I am glad it happened, because it made it clear to me a number of things that I hadn’t been paying much attention to. I see now how I buy into the belief that there must be something wrong with me. That I am somehow in some way bad, a bad person, even though I know consciously, as I write this, that this is a lie.

It makes it even clearer to me that I have not been seeing or perceiving myself correctly. That I need to believe and know myself to be all the things I want to be. I am sitting here, scared shitless of what to do after graduation, because I have no fucking clue what I will do or where I will go. I am doing that, and hurting myself in the process, instead of seeing myself as knowing exactly what to do, exactly where to go. As confidently having a place to go and a direction to travel.

I am undermining myself. If I do not change how I see myself, if I do not see myself as I want to be, in a way that is beneficial and desirable for me instead of to my detriment, then after I graduate next year I will just repeat some variation of the last time I tried to set out on my own. It doesn’t work – it didn’t then, it can’t work now and it won’t work in the future.

Somehow I have to see myself as I want to be. Having my own place. Supporting myself easily, on my terms. Being a man of affluence as well as a man of letters. Having wonderful, supportive friends. Having a loving woman to share my bed and life with. Having children of my own. Living life on my terms, not working at some job for 40 years until I retire like my dad. Enjoying my life, doing work that I want to do, that I find fulfilling, meaningful and that pays well.

All the affirmations and Creative Workshops in the world will do no good until I can see myself as the man I want to be, instead of the man I am and the man I fear I will become. So learn from my example. Change how you see and perceive yourself first, if your life is not what you would like it to be. Demand better of your life, and see yourself better.

Change how you perceive yourself, stop buying into anything anyone says that does not support you. Keep your eye firmly fixed on your ideal version of yourself, followed by your ideal version of your life. Remember, you have to change how you believe, feel, perceive and see yourself before you can change your life in any way. It starts with you, and moves outward from there.

Woulda Coulda Shoulda – The Solution for Stress

I am directing this at everyone who worries and stresses over what they are worrying about. I am also addressing this to everyone who beats themselves up for either doing something or not doing it. Saying something or not saying it. Going somewhere or not going. Like all Truths, it is incredibly simple, and I have created a saying for this one. Ready?

If I should have done that, I would have done that.

Think about this for a moment. Let it sink it. To rephrase it for worriers:

If it should have happened, it would have happened
If it should not have happened, it would not have happened.

There is nothing in the entire history of mankind that should not have happened, without exception. That includes the Holocaust and any of our many wars. Before you get ready to attack me, let me clarify this… We may not like that it happened, or we may not have wanted it to happen, but the simple fact that these things happens proves that that were meant to happen.

The Universe is not chaotic. Everything happens for a reason. We can not always see the reason beyond our limited human perspective. When we are able to see the reason, when we are able to know and understand, we will. Until then we will not. Everything that has happened to us in our lives, no matter if we perceived it to be good or bead, was meant to happen. Nothing has happened to us, or will happen to us, that is not meant to happen.

This is a major burden we can release. Have any of your worries changed anything for the better? Has any of your condemnation of the bad things that have happened to you, others, humanity, etc., made anything better? Do you feel better for all your worrying and fear? Does it feel good to see something terrible that happened on the news and say out loud, “That’s wrong! That should never have happened!”

Be honest here. It feels clenched, tight, You muscles constrict, your teeth clench, you get into fight or flight mode. You are ready for battle. The problem is that you return to the tense state every time anything happens to you, or you hear about anything that has happened, that you do not like. This is, in a word, stress. It causes high blood pressure, increases the risk of heart attack, causes you to gain weight, etc.

If you can instead see something horrible, or experience something horrible, and at the end of it say, with a deep inner conviction and knowing that, “If it was meant to happen, it would. Since it happened, it was meant to happen” – that feels different. This is not resignation, because that is still a secret attachment to the way you think things should be. This is an inner conviction, and inner knowing, a faith that, even though you don’t agree with what happened, even though you do not like what happened, you acknowledge what you already know, that it happened because it was meant to.

The how and the way are not human concerns. They are simply not your business. These are left to God, Source, the Universe or whatever you want to call it. If you could know and understand why something happened, you would know it and understand it. If you could know and understand how something happened, or how to make something happen, you would know it. You know and understand only what you are able to know and understand at this point in your life. Nobody ever knows or understands more than they are truly ready for.

It’s liberating, because you don’t have to look back with regret at some missed opportunity. If you should have done that or gone there you would have. You don’t have to look back with bitterness and anger, trying to deny something that in your perception was bad that happened to you. If it happened to you, though you don’t know how or why, it was meant to happen to you. You can do the same with anything that has happened in human history.

Worrying will never find you a reason or a solution. It can’t. Worrying is denial. It is non-acceptance. You are not allowing yourself to accept something. Guilt also is denial. It is a way to beat yourself up about something instead of taking a moment to look inside yourself and facing whatever it is you need to face. In both cases you are not dealing with the issue, you are running away from it.

Allow, Release, Surrender. These are the three keys that will unlock everything for you. Embrace everything with acceptance and love, then release it and let it go. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, then release it and let it go. Proceed with confidence that nothing will happen in your life that is not supposed to, and there is nothing you can fail at because if you were meant to go somewhere or do something you would have gone there or done it. Anger, Fear, Guilt, Regret, Shame, etc. are all chains weighing you down. You will be a much happier person if you can just let all of that go.

Of course if you are meant to hear what I am saying and act on it, you will.

You might imagine, from what I have said here, that I am saying that nobody makes mistakes. This is correct. Nothing anyone has done or will do is wrong. The Universe sees no difference between a human killing a fly or another human. It sees no difference between humans killing each other and a lion killing a mouse. It sees no difference between a human raping another and a lion mounting a lioness in heat.

As much as you may not want this to be the case, Hitler is not roasting in hell somewhere. In fact, if you want him to be roasting in hell, if you are feeling anger, bitterness or hatred to another, you are the one who is in hell. Any desire for justice or vengeance closes you off from peace, and you close the door on experiencing love. Love is always there, but you are not allowing yourself to feel it. There is not a loving person on earth who seeks justice or vengeance for a perceived wrong.

As I have said before, right and wrong, good and bad exist only in human perception. There is no darkness, only light or an absence of light. The light is always there, it is humans who block it and live in darkness. You can think of your  time here in this physical form as akin to a surfer riding a wave. You are riding a wave of your actions, your choices, and whatever results from that. The ocean is the entire experience of all humans living right now, in this moment. All our waves interact and mingle with each other. They are all one.

You make a choice, You act. You steer your board a little this way or that, and ride a new wave of the results of your choice. Note that I am not using the word consequence here. That implies criticism or judgment; some sort of final reckoning. There is none. You could kill every person on this planet, you could destroy the earth itself, and you will still experience the end of your physical life, and the transition to whatever occurs after that.

You will bring with you everything you have learned. If you have grown during your time on earth you will transition to a higher form or reincarnate to learn new lessons. If you have stagnated and learned nothing, you will likely keep reincarnating until you learn whatever it is your soul needs or wants to learn. Some of the sources I have read state that immature souls are the ones that hurt others. Other sources say that our time here on earth is a sort of classroom. I think perhaps both are the Truth.

You are perfect and you do not make mistakes. You may not remember your perfection, and you may look at the things you have done or not done and think to yourself, “You know, I should have handled that better” or “I should have done that” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” None of this is True. You and your fellow humans may look at the things you have done or not done and label them as good or bad. But as far as the Universe is concerned, you have simply acted.

It is only in our society that we label things like murder and rape as bad or evil. It is only in human society that we have laws that allow us to live together on large numbers. Lions don’t have to worry about that. Some may think that lions are somehow less intelligent than humans. I don’t think so. In a pride of lions, the man can take his pick of the women when they are in heat. He may have to fight with other males, but he doesn’t have to go through all the bullshit that human males have to go through to find a mate. I think the animals have this figured out better than the humans.

Animals don’t require justice or vengeance. There is no consequence for killing one another. No men’s or women’s rights, no requirements to mate when they are in the mood. They live in large societies without the rule of law, and without the influence of man, their numbers remain stable, despite how many kill each other. Humanity may have intelligence, but until its members can live peaceably in large numbers without the need to control anyone’s behavior, we are less evolved than animals in this regard.

Proceed with confidence in your life. No matter how bad or good things get in your perception, no matter how seemingly out of control, everything is happening as it should, nothing is happening that shouldn’t, regardless of your opinion or the opinions of others. There is nothing to fear or worry about. You can trust yourself that you are doing the best you can at this time in your life, and this will remain true all the days you are here on this earth.

Release and Surrender your anger, bitterness, criticism, doubt, fear and judgment. There is no need for these things. Understand that to live in society you have to abide by its rules. If you do something that is perceived to be ethically and morally wrong, society will punish you. But as far as whatever you call god is concerned, you have done nothing wrong. There is no ethics, morality or rule of law in the spiritual dimensions. There is only love and light, and how much each soul allows itself to experience.

I Am Not Here

This is not my reality
even though it is what I
taste, touch, smell and see.

While my body is here,
my True Self is elsewhere.

I now have a dream,
I now have a purpose,
I now have a reason,
a goal I wish to attain.

I will realize my dreams,
I will live the life I want.

Every day brings me one step closer
to everything I have already become.


Meditation and Manifestation

I have been thinking about this a little today. In the past I have a few examples I can recall where I visualized something I wanted and I fought tooth and nail to keep the image of what I wanted in mind. The results were never satisfactory; even when I succeeded it infected and darkened the experience of getting what I wanted.

I thought, for some reason, about meditation. How you gently keep coming back to the “object of your attention.” I realized that the same process applies to manifestation! You just gently keep coming back to the visualization of whatever it is you want to manifest in your life. But you aren’t the one manifesting anything.

There are two indicators here… If in visualizing something you want you feel like you are clenching your fists, if you feel any sort of stress or tightness about it, then you are putting in too much effort. You are attached to a particular outcome. As Abraham teaches through Esther Hicks, how you feel is your indicator.

The other indicator is, if in talking or writing about what you want, the phrase, “trying to manifest” comes up in any form. If it does, once again, you are putting in too much effort. You are trying to make something happen. You are attached to a particular outcome. As I said it feels like clenched fists, or clenched teeth, or some sort of tightness in your body.

There is the initial effort required, at least at first, to keep bringing your focus back to the object of your attention, the visualization in some way of the thing you want. So it is not completely effortless as I may have stated before. It does require a minimum amount of effort to practice awareness and to bring your focus back to your object of attention. But that’s all the effort you need, no more.

The phrase I came up with is to be, “firmly relaxed” about whatever it is you want. In my case I want $40.00 in my back account. So I see the $40.00, in bold, as if I were looking at it through my bank’s web page. I was initially afraid that I was doing it wrong again. I remember when I was picturing a nice place to stay once for my my parents and I, how hard it was, how much stress it caused, and we did not get a nice place.

But I see that my feelings then were more “clench fists” then. Right now, whenever my mind wanders back to the subject of my bank account, I just see this image of $40.00 in bold. I don’t hold it there, don’t do anything with it. Just a gentle process of bringing it back to the object of my attention. I am definitely not attached to this, and am firmly relaxed about it.

So if you are familiar with the process of meditation, apply it to the process of manifestation. Practice being firmly relaxed about it. Keep bringing your focus back to the object of your attention, in this case some sort of image, in your mind or maybe a picture on your wall that brings it to mind. In visualizing it bring in as much of the five physical senses as possible. Think about what it will be like to have it. As much as you can, feel what you would feel once you have it.

Understand that in our society it is not natural or normal to think in this way. That is not how we are raised as children, as a general rule. So for most of us we have to practice being firmly relaxed, until we have that inner knowing, that trust which is more than belief, that the thing we are envisioning will show up in our lives, exactly as we want it and exactly when we need it. Once we have that inner knowing trust it will be natural for us to be firmly relaxed. We will be free of all fear-based feeling, which includes doubt and worry.

For now, for most of us, we just have to practice holding loosely, or being firmly relaxed, with whatever it is we are visualizing. I don’t think the manifestation teachings cover this very well, but it is important and vital to the process. I will let you know how my own experience goes. I will be applying everything I have said here to the process.

What Happened?

I have talked a little about this before, using what I learned while reading, “The Big Leap” after I totaled the Lexus. Just a few additional thoughts have come up now after seeing a beautiful painting i have shared on Facebook, done by an artist who died in poverty, and from the quality of their work, this is something that should not have happened. Yet is has happened, over and over again, and continues to happen, to artists from all walks of life all over the world.

There is an author that inspired Louis L. Hay, her name was Florence Scovel Shinn. She was a New Thought writer, along with many other wonderful authors such as Emmet Fox.  But despite what she knew, despite her teachings, she too died in poverty. I always wondered how that could happen. How could someone who purports to know how the Universe works die in poverty? Is it their teachings do not work? I am not so quick to jump to that solution.

The artist whose work I shared was an excellent artist. It was not due to low quality work that he died in poverty. No. Similarly the quality of the Mrs. Shinn’s writing was not poor. It was not wrong teachings that brought about what happened to her. I think there are two aspects of this to consider:
1. Knowing or understanding something intellectually is not the same as experiencing  and living it.
2. Self-limiting behavior has to be addressed for an individual to be successful.

My guess is that this artist, and Mrs. Shinn, each died in poverty because of self-limiting behavior. Perhaps the artist never believed in himself as an artist. Perhaps the writer never believed in herself as a writer. Maybe the author never came to experienced or lived the things she taught. Maybe both of them had been poor all their lives and that was their comfort level. Strange as it may sound, but you can get comfortable with the circumstances and situation of your life. How many citizens considered to be low-income make it out of the housing developments AKA the projects? How many make it out only to either be killed or kill themselves? I am stuck in an RV with my parents.

I think we can trace all of this back to self-limiting behavior. We sabotage ourselves if we wander too far outside of our comfort zone. There is a dragon that must be slain, and self-limitation is the name of that loathsome beast. We have to figure out how to allow ourselves to have better lives, to experience success, to be accepted in our various fields. We have to become aware of anything that we do that is meant to hold us back, or destroy any progress or success we may have had. Definitely buy and read this book:

It is the only text covering this material I have found. And I suspect it is the most important subject you could ever study. Because it doesn’t matter how many times you listen to excellent teachings from sources such as Abraham or Wayne Dyer or Louise Hay or anyone else – anything that is helping you in your growth, in building the life you want for yourself, needs to include the subject of self-limiting and sabotaging behaviors, and I can not recall seeing it in any of these sources.

Why do people who win the lottery end up unhappy and in a worse state than they were before? I bet you want to blame the money. Society and particularity the Christian religion want you to see money as the evil beast that must be slain. It is not the money that is evil. Money is just pieces of paper with an assigned value. No, it is sudden success which wakes the real enemy, that wily serpent of self-limitation. It also wakes up in many of those who are around the suddenly successful person, resulting in all sorts of attempts to control behavior and preserve the status quo.

None of those involved can help it, because like your Inner Critic, the voice of self-limitation, if it is not speaking directly through your Inner Critic, is talking to you very softly, at a level you can not consciously hear, unless you train yourself to become aware of it, just as you would train yourself to become aware of your Inner Critic. You have to be aware of these voices before you can consciously choose not to heed anything they say.

If there is anything in this world that should be utterly destroyed it is the status quo, and anything else used to control, limit or restrict people.

For now, assume the teachings are sound. Release and let go of your doubt. Practice consciously listening to anything that is attempting to limit or sabotage you. Release and let go of this stupid assumption that just because something has always been done a certain way, that is the best or only way to do it. It isn’t. Just because you have been a certain way your whole life, it doesn’t follow that you must always be that way. Challenge and question everything.

If you are going to believe something, hold it loosely, don’t make it a part of your identity. Practice openness and receptivity. Allow yourself to change, develop and grow. Try to personally experience anything you have come to know or understand. Embrace happiness, joy, success and any other good thing that comes your way. Release and let go of anything that makes you feel bad, keeps you from enjoying life or removes the pleasure of living it.

You can do this, you can, and will, succeed. Don’t just believe it, know it. Don’t just know it, rest in form assurance, knowing it is true.

An Untenable Judgment

Years ago when I was a child (and as I have probably said many times before, I may have said this before) a teacher took me aside at Hudson Park Elementary (I think I even remember exactly where this happened) and told me that the world did not revolve around me. I think at the time I had been stealing or something. Not sure exactly all the effects this had on me, but I think I stopped stealing and created the foundation for a Nice Guy persona. Here is a book to explain that:

Now I can not be sure of the teacher’s motivations here. Everyone is raised within the confines of their family belief systems. Maybe the teacher was trying to help, maybe they were trying to hurt me, maybe they were trying to shake me up a little. But ultimately the labels “selfishness” and “self-centeredness” are applied to an individual as a way of controlling behavior that is believed to be, or is seen to be, undesirable in some way or wrong.

I am only going to say this once… The world, even the entire universe, does revolve around you. Or more accurately, your world, your universe revolves around you. Everyone that can look up and see the moon will see the moon. But everyone will have a different way of interpreting and perceiving the same object, and all of them will not be seeing the object as it really is, outside of all those associations, beliefs, interpretations and judgments. An enlightened person, meaning one who can see things as they are, will see the moon as it is. I have no reference to draw from here. They probably wouldn’t even assign a name or label to it.

The point is, no two people experience reality in exactly the same way. We all live inside the orbits of our own belief systems, habitual patterns of thought and perceptions. This is why one person can pick up a penny and joyously thank the Universe for its provision, while another may walk on past or kick it into the gutter. Guess which person likely has more money in their life?

Also being selfish or self-centered doesn’t necessarily mean you also believe the earth and the universe rotate about you. In fact I doubt if anyone labeled normal would believe that. And even if someone did, what makes that wrong? You can throw all the science you want at me, that still doesn’t make one person’s unique viewpoint any more or less valid than any other.

It also doesn’t necessarily follow that being selfish or self-centered is wrong. A baby is selfish, does that mean you punish him or her every time they demand you feed them or clean their diaper? Maybe some parents do, and god help them when their children grow up. Because when those parents are in diapers, baby-like and in need of care, what do you think the children will do? They can draw from what they have learned. They will only repeat the lessons their parents taught them. Are you in a nursing home, with children who never visit and don’t seem to care about you? Ask yourself, how did you treat them when they were helpless and dependant on you? Be brutally honest, you are far too mature not to face the truth.

We have to be selfish, because we have to take care of ourselves. If we fall into the Nice Guy (or Good Girl) trap, we will put the needs of others ahead of our own, looking for all the world incredibly selfless, but our motivations will not be pure. We will not really want to be doing the things we want to do. Our heart will not be in it, and if our heart is not in what we do, doesn’t that make us heartless? Aren’t we acting heartlessly? Think about that for a moment.

If we are self-centered I guess that means we act like, and truly believe, that only we matter. We may be arrogant and conceited. But the issue is not whether or not we are self-centered. The issue is why we are acting this way. Could it be that we have an over-inflated idea of ourselves because ultimately, we feel we are full of hot air? That we don’t matter, that nobody cares about us? Isn’t a low self-esteem why we don the role of self-centeredness?

The solution is not to criticize and judge others for behavior we do not agree with. Fuck that. And fuck trying to control the behavior of others. Anyone on that quest is acting like Don Quixote, chasing windmills. The solution is to be motivated by love, for ourselves and for others. Period.

So to that long-ago teacher, you screwed up. You were not motivated by love in what you did. You were motivated by the desire to dominate a child and control their behavior. This was very irresponsible of you. The end result is that child, now a grown man, has an incredible amount of crap to clean out that he inherited from his family, their religion, and society. He became a Nice Guy, meaning he wasn’t really nice at all. He has since begun to address these and other issues. But at the root of every issue he has are the things the adults in his life did and said to him when he was a child.

You were one of those adults. If you knew how to motivate the children in your care with love, that is how you should have proceeded. But chances are you didn’t know better. So while you are partly responsible, I do not blame you. I hold no grudge towards you. I understand, all too clearly, how we are all prisoners of our beliefs, adopted, inherited and picked up by ourselves.

Instead I will point out to you, and every other adult in any position of authority, the incredible responsibility we have. Adolf Hitler is thought to be one of humanity’s greatest monsters. But this is an incorrect point of view. The real monsters are the adults who contributed to raising Hitler to be who he became. Without those adult influences, there would be no Adolf Hitler, except maybe as a painter. Imagine if he had been raised by those motivated purely by love. People who loved him and supported him. People who encouraged his artistic ambitions. We would have seen more of this:

And less of this:

And none of your bullshit about, “Oh poor Hitler, he wasn’t loved enough!” in some sarcastic tone of voice. You are damn right he wasn’t loved enough, and this is just one blatant historical example of what happens to a child who is raised by adults that would rather control their child’s behavior than actually be motivated by love in their parenting! Maybe Hitler’s parents didn’t know any better, so couldn’t do any better. I don’t know. I am not a historian. I just know that all monsters are created, or rather raised, not born. I don’t care what proof you have to the contrary. Any exception proves the rule.

It’s time to stop fucking around and face the truth. Raise your children with love, motivated by love, or don’t bother having them at all. Give them away to adoption, send them to live with relatives, do whatever you have to do. But don’t try raising them unless you can do so motivated by love. If you are yelling at them, telling them they are bad or wrong, that they shouldn’t do this or that, you are trying to control their behavior and are not motivated by love. Your children are not your slaves, nor your dogs to be whipped into obedience and submission. Your religious beliefs are no excuse. You are responsible for the adult this child will become. Ask yourself honestly what kind of adult are you raising?

I don’t know about you but I would rather see more beautiful paintings and less episodes of genocide, holocausts and war. The kind of future we will have is not in the hands of our children, but those who are raising them. Our children will only repeat the behaviors they learned from us, or that were beaten into them. Not everyone will be imprisoned this way, there are a few who escape. But none of us escape undamaged. We all bear the scars of being raised by those who were not motivated by love.

Darkness Is A Choice

We are speaking of a denial of Light
not an absence of Light
The concept of God being in all things therefore
is not so irreconcilable.

From “Emmanuel’s Book” page 18, “Darkness is a choice.”
Compiled by Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton

I think there is something we forget. Some of us, myself also in the past, talk about how evil the world is. How dark it is. How cruel it is. The phrase “The Real World” is bandied about, as if those of us who use it have any idea of what the real world actually is. But most of us that think of the world in this way, that use this phrase, have no idea how or what the real world is.

We say these things, we use this phrase and others like it, to basically set a sort of bar. We say these things to those that have not reached it. The bar is set to what we think is normal. It is defined by what we perceive to be reality. And indeed, to those who think along these terms, it is their reality.

Our reality is created by our perception. What we expect to see in the world, 9 times out of 10, that is what we see. What we expect to experience, we experience. So the phrase, “The Real World” seems to be true, and those of us who use it, say it with finality. That is our final word on it.

I see a few problems with this… First of all saying anything with finality is essentially closing the door in the face of anything that contradicts what we believe. That is the definition of close-mindedness. We become unable to see anything beyond or outside our beliefs and perceptions. We close ourselves off to ever really learning the real truth. We shut the door in the face of truth, lock it and leave him to stand outside our hearts. When Jesus said, “I stand at the door and knock” I wonder if this is what he was referring to.

Secondly we all have made (myself included), and most of us continue to make (myself excluded) an assumption that darkness = absence of Light. But Emmanuel’s words, as quoted above, remind us that this is not the only way darkness can come into our lives. Quite often, and I may even venture to say all of the time, darkness = denial of Light. In fact I will even go so far as to say this is the only real true definition of darkness. I do not think, for one moment, that there is an absence of light anywhere, even in the darkest corners of what you call the real world.

Darkness is a choice. Suffering is a choice. We are never powerless, we can always choose. We can accept or deny the Light. What is the Light? Let us define the undefinable in this way. It is that energy or force beyond the best humanity can offer. It is beyond the love of a mother for her child, the love of a man or woman for a man or woman. It is beyond the best of human lovingkindness. It is that which humanity has been looking for outside itself, but which has always been inside us all. It is what we are, when we leave our human bodies behind. It is that energy or force that gives life to everything, freely. You can give it any name you wish, for now Light will suffice.

The question is will you accept or deny that you have this energy inside you? Will you accept or deny that others have it inside them? Will you accept or deny that it is in your world, the world you live in, the world you believe in, the world you perceive? Can you find and open yourself to the Light that is in all things, even the darkest places you can think of right now? Can you find the Light in the drug dealer, the gang member, the murderer? It doesn’t matter who the darkness is for you, or where it is. The question remains, will this darkness continue to be a denial of Light? Will you continue to deny the Light?

Most humans live in a state of denial or non-acceptance. We isolate ourselves from each other. We isolate ourselves in shimmering towers of glass and steel, in layers of asphalt and concrete, from mother nature, from the earth. We are disconnected from each other and from the planet we live on. In our current, natural state the pattern of denying the Light is firmly ingrained into all of us.

It was for me as well. It is no longer. I choose to live connected to others and the world around me. I still have much growing to do. I still tend towards isolation, towards denial. The circumstances of my life must reflect this, as they do. But I am changing, I have made that choice, and you can as well.

If you want all the things that you think of as part of “The Real World” to go away, to change for the better, then you have to choose acceptance. You have to stop denying the Light. You have to stop isolating yourself. You have to be able to find the Light in anyone or anything. When humanity reaches this state in our growth as a species, and we will, there will be no more scarcity, no more war. There will no longer be any darkness, because we will, collectively, have stopped denying the Light.

So what is the darkness in your life? Is it your denial of Light? Or is it an absence of Light? Because if, for you, it is an absence of Light, you are living in denial, and will remain a victim of unwanted circumstances and situations. That is the consequence of your choice.

But if you are able to see it is your denial of Light that has brought this darkness, then you are free to choose to stop denying the light. When you stop denying the light, you will be free of unwanted circumstances and situations. That will be the consequence of your choice.

Choose wisely.

Suicide – Part 2

I was falling asleep as I wrote part 1 of this series, or whatever it is, and now I have some more realizations to share, some more thoughts to work out. My intention here is to help myself, and to help others. For those who see in themselves what I am seeing in me, perhaps this gives them a light at the end of the tunnel, a way out. For me writing about this is both confessional, dragging something out of the darkness into the light, and making it real, there is a public witness to the things I say and the commitments I make.

So sitting on the toilet again, where I do a lot of my thinking (hey, you know you do too), I realized that in order to take my hand off the ejection seat lever, in order to throw myself fully into my life, I can not kill myself. I will no longer have that option. Because I can no longer think that way. As long as I think, “At least I can kill myself…” I am right back to where I no longer want to be.

I said before that Staind saved my life, back when I had my first thoughts of killing myself. I was still a Christian back then, I was depressed, likely would have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, most of the time. My brother had friends and either went to parties or just simply partied. Most of the time I stayed in my room, reading, listening to music, playing video games, throwing myself into shit on the computer. Essentially the same things I am doing now.

I asked a single girl at a dance to dance with me, I was all dressed up and everything, and she laughed in my face. I offered myself to another girl, a friend at the time, and the only person I have ever taken on a date. I don’t like to talk about this or say it. There is such a stigma attached to it. But I feel it is time…

So I offered myself to her, and she did not laugh at me, but she also did not accept me. Instead, because she wanted to please this other man she had met on the internet, she gave herself to a local playboy. Instead of sharing her first time with me, she chose this playboy that my brother brought in. I had taken her on that date to see if there was any interest beyond friendship with me, and there wasn’t. or if there was, she did not acknowledge it.

Of course this shattered me. This, combined with everything else, brought me right to the edge. The music of Staind kept me from going over, but they didn’t do me any favors. All they did is increase my tolerance for pain. By putting it off I had an excuse to keep putting it off. Suicide became something I could fall back on, a way out, a way to escape my shitty life.

But things just never seemed to get bad enough to cause me to do it. Or maybe they were bad but I found a way to tolerate it. Maybe I simply was not as brave as I thought. It takes a lot of bravery, courage, determination – something – to be able to take out that knife and slice open your wrists. Or drown yourself. Or suck on an exhaust pipe. Oddly enough I never thought of using a gun.

The second girl’s man came (the first was one that laughed at me) and swept her off her feet. Her prince charming I guess. They traveled the world together. He did far more for her than I believe I could have. I am happy that he was there for her like that. That she had that. And pissed off at her, because she goes and kills herself some years later. Why? I know what I was told. Maybe that was enough. But to me it doesn’t seem like good enough a reason. She had everything, every reason to live and keep living. I have nothing, every reason to die and stop living. Yet I am alive and she is dead.

Or am I? Can I really claim that I am alive, sitting here, typing this, at 41 years of age, having done nothing with my life, still living with my parents, having no success, no real adventures? Unable to live my life fully, I have been in stasis I think since that time, since those things happened. I just sealed myself away, so I would only have my family to worry about if I decided to kill myself. Because if I was surrounded by friends and lovers, it would be very difficult to kill myself.

I have always bemoaned the fact that I have no friends and have never been on a real date. I have never seen a woman physically naked in front of me, never had sex. I turned myself into some kind of monk. But even though monks might physically seal themselves away, they are not sealed on an emotional, mental or spiritual level, I am fairly certain.

So if I am honest I really have been dead all these years. I put myself into stasis and went to sleep. Maybe having a sort of spiritual breakdown, renouncing my former Christian faith, having the experiences I had around that time, the belief systems crash I went through and at least one dark night of the soul, or something similar, I think all this woke me up early. I don’t think i ever intended to wake up. I think I intended to just go through the motions of life, perhaps until a time I could more easily end it.

It was harder for me to do when I was younger. I could always find reasons I have to keep going, try one more thing. Even now, though the reasons are less, there are things that I feel I must experience before I can end my life with a clear conscience. Chief among them being the act of lovemaking. What kind of man, what kind of utter looser, can’t even get a woman into bed with him?

So not only do I have to remove my hand from the ejection seat lever (referring to the analogy I was using earlier, I could eject or land the plane. My life is like a plane, I can eject myself from it or land the stinkin’ thing), I have to unseal myself, bring myself out of stasis. Because as long as I stay in that state I will push others away. As long as I am keeping alive the possibility of suicide, entertaining thoughts of it, even leaving it as a sort of open door at the back of my mind, I will push others away, I will continue like I have, I will never, ever make any real changes, any wanted or desired changes, to the circumstances and situations of my life.

I have to throw myself into life fully. I have to close the suicide door-thought in my mind. I don’t have to do more than that and should not. And I can’t do this until I am really ready to enter back into life. And I have to hope it is not too late. In order to succeed, in order to soar above my Upper Limit Problems, thoughts of suicide can not be in my mind. I just can’t entertain these thoughts, and as I think I said before, no successful person out there does.

I can no longer have this as a sort of escape plan, as if life were some horrible prison that I wanted to escape from. I have to embrace what seems to me now, in this moment, to be something akin to prison life. I have to embrace a life that, at this moment, is not what I want at all. I have to embrace it and start living again.

One of my many justifications for killing myself was that I have no purpose, no dreams. Maybe that is true. More likely I have forgotten about them during my time in stasis. Maybe I did not allow myself to have these so that I could kill myself. Maybe I threw these out the door along with the possibility of having friends, loves and a meaningful, fulfilling life. Maybe I could only justify killing myself if my life was lacking in all these things. But I have been scrabbling around, looking for a dream, a purpose, a reason to life. I have felt up to now that I have none of this. I still can’t see any of them. But something in me wants them. Something in me is no longer content to live without them.

There is more I wish to express, the last sentence brought it to mind. But I am not remembering it at the moment. Maybe part 3? I think now, looking back, that maybe this is why I have never started, completed and published a book. Why I never got very far in my level design and modeling days. Why I am not in art or architecture school, building, creating, learning how to do these. Why I never found a way to go to the Seattle Art Institute which compelled me so strongly ome years ago. Why I never pursued music. Why I still live with my parents and can not get this excess fat off my body, no matter what I do, the process is far harder than it has to be, and if I let off it’s right back.

This fat on my body is a physical symptom of an internal, energetic cause. It is the physical manifestation of my pain, all my pain, and perhaps my sense that I am not worthy, I don’t deserve to be happy, I am worthless and useless and futureless. Maybe I have been slowly killing myself while in this static condition by eating myself to death. Others use booze or cigarettes, I guess I use food and a very unhealthy mindset.

I look in the mirror and I see a fat man, not very well equipped, nothing physically that any woman would be attracted to, except perhaps the face. But in my face I see a younger man, and that is the heart I have inside me. Not the physical heart, the energetic heart. I am a young man inside. Of course I would be, because I put myself into a sort of walking coma when I was a young man.

And I wonder why I don’t fit in with other men my age. Why other people my age seem so much bigger than me, even though I am 6 feet tall. I see now it is because inside I am still a teenager, a young man, that never really grew up into the body he now occupies. I hope this will change once I take my hand off the ejection seat level, once I unseal myself, open myself up and come out of stasis. Once I embrace life fully and throw myself into it.

I want to say the road ahead will be hard, but to say that is to sort of create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have no idea what the future holds. It just seems to me, right now, in this moment, that things are going to be tough. I am not sure I am ready. But I am certain that if I ever want to have a life I want to live, I have to free myself of these old self-imposed patterns. There is no other way. I have to stop killing myself and start living, no matter what, despite anything that might happen, be it another girl laughing in my face or rejecting me. I can’t stay here in this state for fear of encountering these things. It is too important that I free myself before it really is too late.

Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, mark these words. Remember that the things you do and say to others matter. They do have an effect. I am an extreme case. And yes, part of the responsibility lies with the way a person perceives and responds. What they have drawn into their lives. But part of it lies with you. Something you do or say could completely fuck up someone else’s life. We have to be careful. Ultimately we should aim to be motivated by love in all we say and do. Or at least come as close to that idea as we can.

But if nothing else bring awareness, from now on, into what you do to others, what you say to others. How those two young women responded to me, all those years ago, has in part created the hell I am waking up from right now, in this moment. And I take little consolation in knowing they were probably suffering in their own way too, at that time, and since. The damage they did to me they also did to themselves. Sometimes inner wounds just won’t heal. How can they if there is no real knowledge of how to treat them properly? We can mend a broken arm or sew on a missing finger. But medical science still hasn’t the faintest fucking clue how to heal human emotional scars and the human heart.

So please be careful, I beg of you, for your own sake, and for the sake of those others who enter and exit your life. Everything we do to others, we also do to ourselves. It truly is a double-edged sword.

Suicide – Part 1

I am reading, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks, and I have started to put my awareness on any ULP moments that come up, any times I am Upper Limiting myself. As I believe I already said my car crash was an obvious examples. Others may be more subtle, like having an awesome day, but dealing with a broken strap on my backpack, and allowing the old feelings of anger and frustration, all tied in with my lack of abundance when it comes to finances. Even though I felt so much lighter and actually even felt elated, slowly those negative feelings began to color things. But at least I was aware of them.

Now I come to another issue, maybe also an upper limit problem, and that is thoughts of suicide. Now I have not been unhappy enough to have them lately. But I have always held onto this option as a way out. A way to escape the circumstances and situations of my life of they continue to refuse to change for the better. A way to get back my power, a way to be free. Others can fear death and be terrified of the very thought of anyone behaving out of the norm and killing themselves, but not me! Since I am no longer a Christian, the threat of hell and eternal damnation no longer has a hold on me. In fact, through the teachings of Abraham, I have come t understand that in death there is a release, and catapulting into one’s vortex. That makes it almost an attractive prospect, if I could only find a way to do it without pain. I mean if I can’t find a way onto my vortex any other way…

Maybe that part is true. But am I really taking back my power by leaving my hand firmly wrapped around the ejection lever, as it were? Or am I letting the circumstances and situations of my life have power over me? Also am I really free if I retain the ability and practice the vibration of killing myself? Or is that just locking me firmly into a pattern of behavior well underneath my upper limit. Am I hobbling myself while still believing I can fly?

I think I need to let this go. Take my hand off the ejection level. Land the fucking plane, no matter how damaged and unlikely to keep flying I think it may be. I don’t think I can soar above my upper limitations until I do. But I don’t want to let this go. It seems like to me that if I do that, I am saying that my life is OK, and I will put up with whatever shit I am going through. It feels like if I give it up I will be powerless, I will be forced to live a life that may not ever be what I truly desire. But if I don’t let it go, my life is almost certain to be what I do not desire. Do I want to continue with the way things are, or do I wish to finally and truly change things?

I have to find a way to let this go. As soon as I am ready. I can not afford to hold onto this any longer. Not because people believe is is wrong. Not because it would hurt those who love me. These are not good enough reasons. I have to let this go for me, in order to truly reclaim my freedom and power. No successful person lives their life with their hand wrapped around the eject level. I am almost certain of this. Thoughts of killing themselves do not enter into their minds. In fact it is probably inconceivable to them. I am almost certain I can not, and will not, reach my full potential until the thought of killing myself becomes such an alien concept I never even think of it.

But I am not ready yet. I hope I soon will be.