Meditation and Manifestation

I have been thinking about this a little today. In the past I have a few examples I can recall where I visualized something I wanted and I fought tooth and nail to keep the image of what I wanted in mind. The results were never satisfactory; even when I succeeded it infected and darkened the experience of getting what I wanted.

I thought, for some reason, about meditation. How you gently keep coming back to the “object of your attention.” I realized that the same process applies to manifestation! You just gently keep coming back to the visualization of whatever it is you want to manifest in your life. But you aren’t the one manifesting anything.

There are two indicators here… If in visualizing something you want you feel like you are clenching your fists, if you feel any sort of stress or tightness about it, then you are putting in too much effort. You are attached to a particular outcome. As Abraham teaches through Esther Hicks, how you feel is your indicator.

The other indicator is, if in talking or writing about what you want, the phrase, “trying to manifest” comes up in any form. If it does, once again, you are putting in too much effort. You are trying to make something happen. You are attached to a particular outcome. As I said it feels like clenched fists, or clenched teeth, or some sort of tightness in your body.

There is the initial effort required, at least at first, to keep bringing your focus back to the object of your attention, the visualization in some way of the thing you want. So it is not completely effortless as I may have stated before. It does require a minimum amount of effort to practice awareness and to bring your focus back to your object of attention. But that’s all the effort you need, no more.

The phrase I came up with is to be, “firmly relaxed” about whatever it is you want. In my case I want $40.00 in my back account. So I see the $40.00, in bold, as if I were looking at it through my bank’s web page. I was initially afraid that I was doing it wrong again. I remember when I was picturing a nice place to stay once for my my parents and I, how hard it was, how much stress it caused, and we did not get a nice place.

But I see that my feelings then were more “clench fists” then. Right now, whenever my mind wanders back to the subject of my bank account, I just see this image of $40.00 in bold. I don’t hold it there, don’t do anything with it. Just a gentle process of bringing it back to the object of my attention. I am definitely not attached to this, and am firmly relaxed about it.

So if you are familiar with the process of meditation, apply it to the process of manifestation. Practice being firmly relaxed about it. Keep bringing your focus back to the object of your attention, in this case some sort of image, in your mind or maybe a picture on your wall that brings it to mind. In visualizing it bring in as much of the five physical senses as possible. Think about what it will be like to have it. As much as you can, feel what you would feel once you have it.

Understand that in our society it is not natural or normal to think in this way. That is not how we are raised as children, as a general rule. So for most of us we have to practice being firmly relaxed, until we have that inner knowing, that trust which is more than belief, that the thing we are envisioning will show up in our lives, exactly as we want it and exactly when we need it. Once we have that inner knowing trust it will be natural for us to be firmly relaxed. We will be free of all fear-based feeling, which includes doubt and worry.

For now, for most of us, we just have to practice holding loosely, or being firmly relaxed, with whatever it is we are visualizing. I don’t think the manifestation teachings cover this very well, but it is important and vital to the process. I will let you know how my own experience goes. I will be applying everything I have said here to the process.

What Happened?

I have talked a little about this before, using what I learned while reading, “The Big Leap” after I totaled the Lexus. Just a few additional thoughts have come up now after seeing a beautiful painting i have shared on Facebook, done by an artist who died in poverty, and from the quality of their work, this is something that should not have happened. Yet is has happened, over and over again, and continues to happen, to artists from all walks of life all over the world.

There is an author that inspired Louis L. Hay, her name was Florence Scovel Shinn. She was a New Thought writer, along with many other wonderful authors such as Emmet Fox.  But despite what she knew, despite her teachings, she too died in poverty. I always wondered how that could happen. How could someone who purports to know how the Universe works die in poverty? Is it their teachings do not work? I am not so quick to jump to that solution.

The artist whose work I shared was an excellent artist. It was not due to low quality work that he died in poverty. No. Similarly the quality of the Mrs. Shinn’s writing was not poor. It was not wrong teachings that brought about what happened to her. I think there are two aspects of this to consider:
1. Knowing or understanding something intellectually is not the same as experiencing  and living it.
2. Self-limiting behavior has to be addressed for an individual to be successful.

My guess is that this artist, and Mrs. Shinn, each died in poverty because of self-limiting behavior. Perhaps the artist never believed in himself as an artist. Perhaps the writer never believed in herself as a writer. Maybe the author never came to experienced or lived the things she taught. Maybe both of them had been poor all their lives and that was their comfort level. Strange as it may sound, but you can get comfortable with the circumstances and situation of your life. How many citizens considered to be low-income make it out of the housing developments AKA the projects? How many make it out only to either be killed or kill themselves? I am stuck in an RV with my parents.

I think we can trace all of this back to self-limiting behavior. We sabotage ourselves if we wander too far outside of our comfort zone. There is a dragon that must be slain, and self-limitation is the name of that loathsome beast. We have to figure out how to allow ourselves to have better lives, to experience success, to be accepted in our various fields. We have to become aware of anything that we do that is meant to hold us back, or destroy any progress or success we may have had. Definitely buy and read this book:

It is the only text covering this material I have found. And I suspect it is the most important subject you could ever study. Because it doesn’t matter how many times you listen to excellent teachings from sources such as Abraham or Wayne Dyer or Louise Hay or anyone else – anything that is helping you in your growth, in building the life you want for yourself, needs to include the subject of self-limiting and sabotaging behaviors, and I can not recall seeing it in any of these sources.

Why do people who win the lottery end up unhappy and in a worse state than they were before? I bet you want to blame the money. Society and particularity the Christian religion want you to see money as the evil beast that must be slain. It is not the money that is evil. Money is just pieces of paper with an assigned value. No, it is sudden success which wakes the real enemy, that wily serpent of self-limitation. It also wakes up in many of those who are around the suddenly successful person, resulting in all sorts of attempts to control behavior and preserve the status quo.

None of those involved can help it, because like your Inner Critic, the voice of self-limitation, if it is not speaking directly through your Inner Critic, is talking to you very softly, at a level you can not consciously hear, unless you train yourself to become aware of it, just as you would train yourself to become aware of your Inner Critic. You have to be aware of these voices before you can consciously choose not to heed anything they say.

If there is anything in this world that should be utterly destroyed it is the status quo, and anything else used to control, limit or restrict people.

For now, assume the teachings are sound. Release and let go of your doubt. Practice consciously listening to anything that is attempting to limit or sabotage you. Release and let go of this stupid assumption that just because something has always been done a certain way, that is the best or only way to do it. It isn’t. Just because you have been a certain way your whole life, it doesn’t follow that you must always be that way. Challenge and question everything.

If you are going to believe something, hold it loosely, don’t make it a part of your identity. Practice openness and receptivity. Allow yourself to change, develop and grow. Try to personally experience anything you have come to know or understand. Embrace happiness, joy, success and any other good thing that comes your way. Release and let go of anything that makes you feel bad, keeps you from enjoying life or removes the pleasure of living it.

You can do this, you can, and will, succeed. Don’t just believe it, know it. Don’t just know it, rest in form assurance, knowing it is true.

An Untenable Judgment

Years ago when I was a child (and as I have probably said many times before, I may have said this before) a teacher took me aside at Hudson Park Elementary (I think I even remember exactly where this happened) and told me that the world did not revolve around me. I think at the time I had been stealing or something. Not sure exactly all the effects this had on me, but I think I stopped stealing and created the foundation for a Nice Guy persona. Here is a book to explain that:

Now I can not be sure of the teacher’s motivations here. Everyone is raised within the confines of their family belief systems. Maybe the teacher was trying to help, maybe they were trying to hurt me, maybe they were trying to shake me up a little. But ultimately the labels “selfishness” and “self-centeredness” are applied to an individual as a way of controlling behavior that is believed to be, or is seen to be, undesirable in some way or wrong.

I am only going to say this once… The world, even the entire universe, does revolve around you. Or more accurately, your world, your universe revolves around you. Everyone that can look up and see the moon will see the moon. But everyone will have a different way of interpreting and perceiving the same object, and all of them will not be seeing the object as it really is, outside of all those associations, beliefs, interpretations and judgments. An enlightened person, meaning one who can see things as they are, will see the moon as it is. I have no reference to draw from here. They probably wouldn’t even assign a name or label to it.

The point is, no two people experience reality in exactly the same way. We all live inside the orbits of our own belief systems, habitual patterns of thought and perceptions. This is why one person can pick up a penny and joyously thank the Universe for its provision, while another may walk on past or kick it into the gutter. Guess which person likely has more money in their life?

Also being selfish or self-centered doesn’t necessarily mean you also believe the earth and the universe rotate about you. In fact I doubt if anyone labeled normal would believe that. And even if someone did, what makes that wrong? You can throw all the science you want at me, that still doesn’t make one person’s unique viewpoint any more or less valid than any other.

It also doesn’t necessarily follow that being selfish or self-centered is wrong. A baby is selfish, does that mean you punish him or her every time they demand you feed them or clean their diaper? Maybe some parents do, and god help them when their children grow up. Because when those parents are in diapers, baby-like and in need of care, what do you think the children will do? They can draw from what they have learned. They will only repeat the lessons their parents taught them. Are you in a nursing home, with children who never visit and don’t seem to care about you? Ask yourself, how did you treat them when they were helpless and dependant on you? Be brutally honest, you are far too mature not to face the truth.

We have to be selfish, because we have to take care of ourselves. If we fall into the Nice Guy (or Good Girl) trap, we will put the needs of others ahead of our own, looking for all the world incredibly selfless, but our motivations will not be pure. We will not really want to be doing the things we want to do. Our heart will not be in it, and if our heart is not in what we do, doesn’t that make us heartless? Aren’t we acting heartlessly? Think about that for a moment.

If we are self-centered I guess that means we act like, and truly believe, that only we matter. We may be arrogant and conceited. But the issue is not whether or not we are self-centered. The issue is why we are acting this way. Could it be that we have an over-inflated idea of ourselves because ultimately, we feel we are full of hot air? That we don’t matter, that nobody cares about us? Isn’t a low self-esteem why we don the role of self-centeredness?

The solution is not to criticize and judge others for behavior we do not agree with. Fuck that. And fuck trying to control the behavior of others. Anyone on that quest is acting like Don Quixote, chasing windmills. The solution is to be motivated by love, for ourselves and for others. Period.

So to that long-ago teacher, you screwed up. You were not motivated by love in what you did. You were motivated by the desire to dominate a child and control their behavior. This was very irresponsible of you. The end result is that child, now a grown man, has an incredible amount of crap to clean out that he inherited from his family, their religion, and society. He became a Nice Guy, meaning he wasn’t really nice at all. He has since begun to address these and other issues. But at the root of every issue he has are the things the adults in his life did and said to him when he was a child.

You were one of those adults. If you knew how to motivate the children in your care with love, that is how you should have proceeded. But chances are you didn’t know better. So while you are partly responsible, I do not blame you. I hold no grudge towards you. I understand, all too clearly, how we are all prisoners of our beliefs, adopted, inherited and picked up by ourselves.

Instead I will point out to you, and every other adult in any position of authority, the incredible responsibility we have. Adolf Hitler is thought to be one of humanity’s greatest monsters. But this is an incorrect point of view. The real monsters are the adults who contributed to raising Hitler to be who he became. Without those adult influences, there would be no Adolf Hitler, except maybe as a painter. Imagine if he had been raised by those motivated purely by love. People who loved him and supported him. People who encouraged his artistic ambitions. We would have seen more of this:

And less of this:

And none of your bullshit about, “Oh poor Hitler, he wasn’t loved enough!” in some sarcastic tone of voice. You are damn right he wasn’t loved enough, and this is just one blatant historical example of what happens to a child who is raised by adults that would rather control their child’s behavior than actually be motivated by love in their parenting! Maybe Hitler’s parents didn’t know any better, so couldn’t do any better. I don’t know. I am not a historian. I just know that all monsters are created, or rather raised, not born. I don’t care what proof you have to the contrary. Any exception proves the rule.

It’s time to stop fucking around and face the truth. Raise your children with love, motivated by love, or don’t bother having them at all. Give them away to adoption, send them to live with relatives, do whatever you have to do. But don’t try raising them unless you can do so motivated by love. If you are yelling at them, telling them they are bad or wrong, that they shouldn’t do this or that, you are trying to control their behavior and are not motivated by love. Your children are not your slaves, nor your dogs to be whipped into obedience and submission. Your religious beliefs are no excuse. You are responsible for the adult this child will become. Ask yourself honestly what kind of adult are you raising?

I don’t know about you but I would rather see more beautiful paintings and less episodes of genocide, holocausts and war. The kind of future we will have is not in the hands of our children, but those who are raising them. Our children will only repeat the behaviors they learned from us, or that were beaten into them. Not everyone will be imprisoned this way, there are a few who escape. But none of us escape undamaged. We all bear the scars of being raised by those who were not motivated by love.

Darkness Is A Choice

We are speaking of a denial of Light
not an absence of Light
The concept of God being in all things therefore
is not so irreconcilable.

From “Emmanuel’s Book” page 18, “Darkness is a choice.”
Compiled by Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton

I think there is something we forget. Some of us, myself also in the past, talk about how evil the world is. How dark it is. How cruel it is. The phrase “The Real World” is bandied about, as if those of us who use it have any idea of what the real world actually is. But most of us that think of the world in this way, that use this phrase, have no idea how or what the real world is.

We say these things, we use this phrase and others like it, to basically set a sort of bar. We say these things to those that have not reached it. The bar is set to what we think is normal. It is defined by what we perceive to be reality. And indeed, to those who think along these terms, it is their reality.

Our reality is created by our perception. What we expect to see in the world, 9 times out of 10, that is what we see. What we expect to experience, we experience. So the phrase, “The Real World” seems to be true, and those of us who use it, say it with finality. That is our final word on it.

I see a few problems with this… First of all saying anything with finality is essentially closing the door in the face of anything that contradicts what we believe. That is the definition of close-mindedness. We become unable to see anything beyond or outside our beliefs and perceptions. We close ourselves off to ever really learning the real truth. We shut the door in the face of truth, lock it and leave him to stand outside our hearts. When Jesus said, “I stand at the door and knock” I wonder if this is what he was referring to.

Secondly we all have made (myself included), and most of us continue to make (myself excluded) an assumption that darkness = absence of Light. But Emmanuel’s words, as quoted above, remind us that this is not the only way darkness can come into our lives. Quite often, and I may even venture to say all of the time, darkness = denial of Light. In fact I will even go so far as to say this is the only real true definition of darkness. I do not think, for one moment, that there is an absence of light anywhere, even in the darkest corners of what you call the real world.

Darkness is a choice. Suffering is a choice. We are never powerless, we can always choose. We can accept or deny the Light. What is the Light? Let us define the undefinable in this way. It is that energy or force beyond the best humanity can offer. It is beyond the love of a mother for her child, the love of a man or woman for a man or woman. It is beyond the best of human lovingkindness. It is that which humanity has been looking for outside itself, but which has always been inside us all. It is what we are, when we leave our human bodies behind. It is that energy or force that gives life to everything, freely. You can give it any name you wish, for now Light will suffice.

The question is will you accept or deny that you have this energy inside you? Will you accept or deny that others have it inside them? Will you accept or deny that it is in your world, the world you live in, the world you believe in, the world you perceive? Can you find and open yourself to the Light that is in all things, even the darkest places you can think of right now? Can you find the Light in the drug dealer, the gang member, the murderer? It doesn’t matter who the darkness is for you, or where it is. The question remains, will this darkness continue to be a denial of Light? Will you continue to deny the Light?

Most humans live in a state of denial or non-acceptance. We isolate ourselves from each other. We isolate ourselves in shimmering towers of glass and steel, in layers of asphalt and concrete, from mother nature, from the earth. We are disconnected from each other and from the planet we live on. In our current, natural state the pattern of denying the Light is firmly ingrained into all of us.

It was for me as well. It is no longer. I choose to live connected to others and the world around me. I still have much growing to do. I still tend towards isolation, towards denial. The circumstances of my life must reflect this, as they do. But I am changing, I have made that choice, and you can as well.

If you want all the things that you think of as part of “The Real World” to go away, to change for the better, then you have to choose acceptance. You have to stop denying the Light. You have to stop isolating yourself. You have to be able to find the Light in anyone or anything. When humanity reaches this state in our growth as a species, and we will, there will be no more scarcity, no more war. There will no longer be any darkness, because we will, collectively, have stopped denying the Light.

So what is the darkness in your life? Is it your denial of Light? Or is it an absence of Light? Because if, for you, it is an absence of Light, you are living in denial, and will remain a victim of unwanted circumstances and situations. That is the consequence of your choice.

But if you are able to see it is your denial of Light that has brought this darkness, then you are free to choose to stop denying the light. When you stop denying the light, you will be free of unwanted circumstances and situations. That will be the consequence of your choice.

Choose wisely.

Suicide – Part 2

I was falling asleep as I wrote part 1 of this series, or whatever it is, and now I have some more realizations to share, some more thoughts to work out. My intention here is to help myself, and to help others. For those who see in themselves what I am seeing in me, perhaps this gives them a light at the end of the tunnel, a way out. For me writing about this is both confessional, dragging something out of the darkness into the light, and making it real, there is a public witness to the things I say and the commitments I make.

So sitting on the toilet again, where I do a lot of my thinking (hey, you know you do too), I realized that in order to take my hand off the ejection seat lever, in order to throw myself fully into my life, I can not kill myself. I will no longer have that option. Because I can no longer think that way. As long as I think, “At least I can kill myself…” I am right back to where I no longer want to be.

I said before that Staind saved my life, back when I had my first thoughts of killing myself. I was still a Christian back then, I was depressed, likely would have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, most of the time. My brother had friends and either went to parties or just simply partied. Most of the time I stayed in my room, reading, listening to music, playing video games, throwing myself into shit on the computer. Essentially the same things I am doing now.

I asked a single girl at a dance to dance with me, I was all dressed up and everything, and she laughed in my face. I offered myself to another girl, a friend at the time, and the only person I have ever taken on a date. I don’t like to talk about this or say it. There is such a stigma attached to it. But I feel it is time…

So I offered myself to her, and she did not laugh at me, but she also did not accept me. Instead, because she wanted to please this other man she had met on the internet, she gave herself to a local playboy. Instead of sharing her first time with me, she chose this playboy that my brother brought in. I had taken her on that date to see if there was any interest beyond friendship with me, and there wasn’t. or if there was, she did not acknowledge it.

Of course this shattered me. This, combined with everything else, brought me right to the edge. The music of Staind kept me from going over, but they didn’t do me any favors. All they did is increase my tolerance for pain. By putting it off I had an excuse to keep putting it off. Suicide became something I could fall back on, a way out, a way to escape my shitty life.

But things just never seemed to get bad enough to cause me to do it. Or maybe they were bad but I found a way to tolerate it. Maybe I simply was not as brave as I thought. It takes a lot of bravery, courage, determination – something – to be able to take out that knife and slice open your wrists. Or drown yourself. Or suck on an exhaust pipe. Oddly enough I never thought of using a gun.

The second girl’s man came (the first was one that laughed at me) and swept her off her feet. Her prince charming I guess. They traveled the world together. He did far more for her than I believe I could have. I am happy that he was there for her like that. That she had that. And pissed off at her, because she goes and kills herself some years later. Why? I know what I was told. Maybe that was enough. But to me it doesn’t seem like good enough a reason. She had everything, every reason to live and keep living. I have nothing, every reason to die and stop living. Yet I am alive and she is dead.

Or am I? Can I really claim that I am alive, sitting here, typing this, at 41 years of age, having done nothing with my life, still living with my parents, having no success, no real adventures? Unable to live my life fully, I have been in stasis I think since that time, since those things happened. I just sealed myself away, so I would only have my family to worry about if I decided to kill myself. Because if I was surrounded by friends and lovers, it would be very difficult to kill myself.

I have always bemoaned the fact that I have no friends and have never been on a real date. I have never seen a woman physically naked in front of me, never had sex. I turned myself into some kind of monk. But even though monks might physically seal themselves away, they are not sealed on an emotional, mental or spiritual level, I am fairly certain.

So if I am honest I really have been dead all these years. I put myself into stasis and went to sleep. Maybe having a sort of spiritual breakdown, renouncing my former Christian faith, having the experiences I had around that time, the belief systems crash I went through and at least one dark night of the soul, or something similar, I think all this woke me up early. I don’t think i ever intended to wake up. I think I intended to just go through the motions of life, perhaps until a time I could more easily end it.

It was harder for me to do when I was younger. I could always find reasons I have to keep going, try one more thing. Even now, though the reasons are less, there are things that I feel I must experience before I can end my life with a clear conscience. Chief among them being the act of lovemaking. What kind of man, what kind of utter looser, can’t even get a woman into bed with him?

So not only do I have to remove my hand from the ejection seat lever (referring to the analogy I was using earlier, I could eject or land the plane. My life is like a plane, I can eject myself from it or land the stinkin’ thing), I have to unseal myself, bring myself out of stasis. Because as long as I stay in that state I will push others away. As long as I am keeping alive the possibility of suicide, entertaining thoughts of it, even leaving it as a sort of open door at the back of my mind, I will push others away, I will continue like I have, I will never, ever make any real changes, any wanted or desired changes, to the circumstances and situations of my life.

I have to throw myself into life fully. I have to close the suicide door-thought in my mind. I don’t have to do more than that and should not. And I can’t do this until I am really ready to enter back into life. And I have to hope it is not too late. In order to succeed, in order to soar above my Upper Limit Problems, thoughts of suicide can not be in my mind. I just can’t entertain these thoughts, and as I think I said before, no successful person out there does.

I can no longer have this as a sort of escape plan, as if life were some horrible prison that I wanted to escape from. I have to embrace what seems to me now, in this moment, to be something akin to prison life. I have to embrace a life that, at this moment, is not what I want at all. I have to embrace it and start living again.

One of my many justifications for killing myself was that I have no purpose, no dreams. Maybe that is true. More likely I have forgotten about them during my time in stasis. Maybe I did not allow myself to have these so that I could kill myself. Maybe I threw these out the door along with the possibility of having friends, loves and a meaningful, fulfilling life. Maybe I could only justify killing myself if my life was lacking in all these things. But I have been scrabbling around, looking for a dream, a purpose, a reason to life. I have felt up to now that I have none of this. I still can’t see any of them. But something in me wants them. Something in me is no longer content to live without them.

There is more I wish to express, the last sentence brought it to mind. But I am not remembering it at the moment. Maybe part 3? I think now, looking back, that maybe this is why I have never started, completed and published a book. Why I never got very far in my level design and modeling days. Why I am not in art or architecture school, building, creating, learning how to do these. Why I never found a way to go to the Seattle Art Institute which compelled me so strongly ome years ago. Why I never pursued music. Why I still live with my parents and can not get this excess fat off my body, no matter what I do, the process is far harder than it has to be, and if I let off it’s right back.

This fat on my body is a physical symptom of an internal, energetic cause. It is the physical manifestation of my pain, all my pain, and perhaps my sense that I am not worthy, I don’t deserve to be happy, I am worthless and useless and futureless. Maybe I have been slowly killing myself while in this static condition by eating myself to death. Others use booze or cigarettes, I guess I use food and a very unhealthy mindset.

I look in the mirror and I see a fat man, not very well equipped, nothing physically that any woman would be attracted to, except perhaps the face. But in my face I see a younger man, and that is the heart I have inside me. Not the physical heart, the energetic heart. I am a young man inside. Of course I would be, because I put myself into a sort of walking coma when I was a young man.

And I wonder why I don’t fit in with other men my age. Why other people my age seem so much bigger than me, even though I am 6 feet tall. I see now it is because inside I am still a teenager, a young man, that never really grew up into the body he now occupies. I hope this will change once I take my hand off the ejection seat level, once I unseal myself, open myself up and come out of stasis. Once I embrace life fully and throw myself into it.

I want to say the road ahead will be hard, but to say that is to sort of create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have no idea what the future holds. It just seems to me, right now, in this moment, that things are going to be tough. I am not sure I am ready. But I am certain that if I ever want to have a life I want to live, I have to free myself of these old self-imposed patterns. There is no other way. I have to stop killing myself and start living, no matter what, despite anything that might happen, be it another girl laughing in my face or rejecting me. I can’t stay here in this state for fear of encountering these things. It is too important that I free myself before it really is too late.

Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, mark these words. Remember that the things you do and say to others matter. They do have an effect. I am an extreme case. And yes, part of the responsibility lies with the way a person perceives and responds. What they have drawn into their lives. But part of it lies with you. Something you do or say could completely fuck up someone else’s life. We have to be careful. Ultimately we should aim to be motivated by love in all we say and do. Or at least come as close to that idea as we can.

But if nothing else bring awareness, from now on, into what you do to others, what you say to others. How those two young women responded to me, all those years ago, has in part created the hell I am waking up from right now, in this moment. And I take little consolation in knowing they were probably suffering in their own way too, at that time, and since. The damage they did to me they also did to themselves. Sometimes inner wounds just won’t heal. How can they if there is no real knowledge of how to treat them properly? We can mend a broken arm or sew on a missing finger. But medical science still hasn’t the faintest fucking clue how to heal human emotional scars and the human heart.

So please be careful, I beg of you, for your own sake, and for the sake of those others who enter and exit your life. Everything we do to others, we also do to ourselves. It truly is a double-edged sword.

Suicide – Part 1

I am reading, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks, and I have started to put my awareness on any ULP moments that come up, any times I am Upper Limiting myself. As I believe I already said my car crash was an obvious examples. Others may be more subtle, like having an awesome day, but dealing with a broken strap on my backpack, and allowing the old feelings of anger and frustration, all tied in with my lack of abundance when it comes to finances. Even though I felt so much lighter and actually even felt elated, slowly those negative feelings began to color things. But at least I was aware of them.

Now I come to another issue, maybe also an upper limit problem, and that is thoughts of suicide. Now I have not been unhappy enough to have them lately. But I have always held onto this option as a way out. A way to escape the circumstances and situations of my life of they continue to refuse to change for the better. A way to get back my power, a way to be free. Others can fear death and be terrified of the very thought of anyone behaving out of the norm and killing themselves, but not me! Since I am no longer a Christian, the threat of hell and eternal damnation no longer has a hold on me. In fact, through the teachings of Abraham, I have come t understand that in death there is a release, and catapulting into one’s vortex. That makes it almost an attractive prospect, if I could only find a way to do it without pain. I mean if I can’t find a way onto my vortex any other way…

Maybe that part is true. But am I really taking back my power by leaving my hand firmly wrapped around the ejection lever, as it were? Or am I letting the circumstances and situations of my life have power over me? Also am I really free if I retain the ability and practice the vibration of killing myself? Or is that just locking me firmly into a pattern of behavior well underneath my upper limit. Am I hobbling myself while still believing I can fly?

I think I need to let this go. Take my hand off the ejection level. Land the fucking plane, no matter how damaged and unlikely to keep flying I think it may be. I don’t think I can soar above my upper limitations until I do. But I don’t want to let this go. It seems like to me that if I do that, I am saying that my life is OK, and I will put up with whatever shit I am going through. It feels like if I give it up I will be powerless, I will be forced to live a life that may not ever be what I truly desire. But if I don’t let it go, my life is almost certain to be what I do not desire. Do I want to continue with the way things are, or do I wish to finally and truly change things?

I have to find a way to let this go. As soon as I am ready. I can not afford to hold onto this any longer. Not because people believe is is wrong. Not because it would hurt those who love me. These are not good enough reasons. I have to let this go for me, in order to truly reclaim my freedom and power. No successful person lives their life with their hand wrapped around the eject level. I am almost certain of this. Thoughts of killing themselves do not enter into their minds. In fact it is probably inconceivable to them. I am almost certain I can not, and will not, reach my full potential until the thought of killing myself becomes such an alien concept I never even think of it.

But I am not ready yet. I hope I soon will be.

Suicide

I am reading, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks, and I have started to put my awareness on any ULP moments that come up, any times I am Upper Limiting myself. As I believe I already said my car crash was an obvious examples. Others may be more subtle, like having an awesome day, but dealing with a broken strap on my backpack, and allowing the old feelings of anger and frustration, all tied in with my lack of abundance when it comes to finances. Even though I felt so much lighter and actually even felt elated, slowly those negative feelings began to color things. But at least I was aware of them.

Now I come to another issue, maybe also an upper limit problem, and that is thoughts of suicide. Now I have not been unhappy enough to have them lately. But I have always held onto this option as a way out. A way to escape the circumstances and situations of my life of they continue to refuse to change for the better. A way to get back my power, a way to be free. Others can fear death and be terrified of the very thought of anyone behaving out of the norm and killing themselves, but not me! Since I am no longer a Christian, the threat of hell and eternal damnation no longer has a hold on me. In fact, through the teachings of Abraham, I have come t understand that in death there is a release, and catapulting into one’s vortex. That makes it almost an attractive prospect, if I could only find a way to do it without pain. I mean if I can’t find a way onto my vortex any other way…

Maybe that part is true. But am I really taking back my power by leaving my hand firmly wrapped around the ejection lever, as it were? Or am I letting the circumstances and situations of my life have power over me? Also am I really free if I retain the ability and practice the vibration of killing myself? Or is that just locking me firmly into a pattern of behavior well underneath my upper limit. Am I hobbling myself while still believing I can fly?

I think I need to let this go. Take my hand off the ejection level. Land the fucking plane, no matter how damaged and unlikely to keep flying I think it may be. I don’t think I can soar above my upper limitations until I do. But I don’t want to let this go. It seems like to me that if I do that, I am saying that my life is OK, and I will put up with whatever shit I am going through. It feels like if I give it up I will be powerless, I will be forced to live a life that may not ever be what I truly desire. But if I don’t let it go, my life is almost certain to be what I do not desire. Do I want to continue with the way things are, or do I wish to finally and truly change things?

I have to find a way to let this go. As soon as I am ready. I can not afford to hold onto this any longer. Not because people believe is is wrong. Not because it would hurt those who love me. These are not good enough reasons. I have to let this go for me, in order to truly reclaim my freedom and power. No successful person lives their life with their hand wrapped around the eject level. I am almost certain of this. Thoughts of killing themselves do not enter into their minds. In fact it is probably inconceivable to them. I am almost certain I can not, and will not, reach my full potential until the thought of killing myself becomes such an alien concept I never even think of it.

But I am not ready yet. I hope I soon will be.

 

“Hello beastie.”

When I was a little boy I used to look up at the clouds and imagine being up there. I wanted to travel up there. I wanted to explore the landscape of the clouds. I wanted to get away, I think, from things down here on the ground. I don’t think that desire has ever really left me.

I realized today that, like the character Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of Caribbean movies, I have my own “beastie” to face. I truly believe that if it had a real, physical form, that somehow it would be easier to face it and defeat it. I tell myself that I would have no trouble facing down the creature. That I would be brave enough or courageous enough.

It seems to me that because my “beastie” has no physical form that it somehow makes things more difficult. There is nothing definite I can go after, no creature I can defeat that will somehow make everything right. In other words, it is easier to jump into the mouth of a real, living monster than it is to jump into the mouth of some ephemeral, intelligible thing.

If all my troubles would just take a physical form, I could vanquish them, quickly and easily. I am sure of it. I am no warrior, no swordsman, but if I had something physical in front of me that I needed to destroy, which by vanquishing it would free some aspect of myself, then I could, and would, kill it.

Anyone can swing a sword or point a gun. I don’t have to be terribly good at either. If my monster somehow defeated me, ending my life, that would be OK. I would have fought and died for something that had value to me, namely my freedom from it.

But I am certain that the fight would end with me standing victorious. Maybe bloody, probably injured, but I could tap into years of rage to give me extra strength to defeat my opponent. I know I would succeed, that I would win. I know it.

But since my “beastie” is not physical, since it has no definite form, it is able to strike me from where I am weakest. My mind and emotions. It can hide, lurking in the shadows, strike out and then fade away. It can do this tirelessly, for years and years, wearing me down, weakening my spirit, and it has.

Just when I think I have a lead, I have its location pegged, just when I am about to strike, it moves away, unnoticed, unseen. Even when I do manage to hurt it, it seems another monster, another aspect of myself that must be faced, pops up. It is like a hydra, cut off one head, one aspect, another takes its place. It just never ends. I am weary with the constant changes to myself I must make.

Worse still I don’t know exactly what effect any of of this is having. I see no outward improvement in my physical circumstances or situation. I can’t be sure that the changes I have made in myself, to this point, have had any effect on anything that matters to me.

I am still pretty much as I was, in the circumstances and situations of my life. Inside I may have changed, but what good is inward change if it doesn’t lead to the desired outward change? It is a waste of time and energy, as far as I am concerned. I am exhausted.

Even my minor victories, if they can be called that, are made moot by the simple fact that I find myself constantly slipping into old patterns of thought. I find myself with the same unwanted habits. The record of my life keeps skipping over the same part, endlessly, and nothing I have done so far has changed this.

I wish I could face my ego and all its attendant crap man to man in physical combat to the death. I wish I could just rip the damn thing out of me, along with anything else I don’t want to be a part of me. I wouldn’t even care what kind of damage it may do to me as a person. If I could just rip all this bullshit out, I may be insane, or I may die, but for a few moments at least, I would have peace.

I can’t live as I have anymore. I learned this when I left grandma’s house and started my bicycle journey. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed away. Stayed out there. But I had nowhere to stay, no way to support myself. I also had some more lessons I needed to learn. I learned what I needed from that trip.

I am impatient with the holding pattern and ruts of my life, my current life experience. I have to get away from my parents, from my family, and establish myself. I have to face this “beastie” of mine in the one definite way I know how, and that is to begin then complete a novel of publishable length.

Not because that will fix all my problems. Not because I will become a millionaire. But simply because this is one monster I have been avoiding, and in facing it I face all the things that created it and set it before me. I will push through, and in some important area of my life I will have succeeded.

Any major success I can achieve will have magical, transformation powers on me. I know this! Until then I am just going through the emotions of living, running away, cowering before my “beastie,” unable and unwilling to face it and jump in, sword swinging.

Do not make my mistake! Face your beastie, whoever, whatever it is. Whatever form or non-form it may take. Tangible or intangible. Find a way, somehow, to follow your heart, that voice inside, guiding you. Ignore the voices in your head, or the voices of others that do not support your quest.

You must not fail! Your quest is just as important as Frodo’s quest to destroy the ring, and Jack Sparrow’s facing his “beastie,” and in doing so, save others, even if he was not initially willing. In order for you to live the life you came here to live, some parts of you have to die.

It will be painful. It will hurt. It may shatter you, leaving you to put yourself back together again. Beliefs systems may be challenged, questioned and ultimately shattered. Pull through, tear down the walls you have built around yourself, break the chains with which you have bound yourself, unlock and destroy any cage in which you have locked yourself.

Free yourself to be who you came here to be, to live the live you came here to live. You have to follow that dream, or risk living a nightmare. For your sake, and the sake of all you will touch in a meaningful, profound way, you must not fail!

Even as I say these words to you, I am saying them to myself. I don’t know how to tell when its time to give up. I am sure there is some point in a life where continuing to struggle is meaningless. Sometimes I think I am nearing that point. Other times I understand there are still more things I can and should do. There are options I must explore, just a few more things to try.

All I know for sure is that I am not ready to quit just yet. So I will be right there, fighting right alongside you, in similar battles of my own. Sometimes the fight isn’t really resistance and fighting at all. Sometimes it is just being still and letting go. It is just release. It is non-action.

We must always keep in mind that since our enemies are mostly non-physical, the rules for defeating them are not the same as the rules of the physical world. In the physical world you take action. In the non-physical world, you allow. You flow. Because resistance to a thing makes it stronger. Fighting a thing reinforces its reality, makes it become real. The more we give our attention to something we do not want, the more we attract what we do not want.

So the terms of battle make little sense sometimes. We have to keep in mind the things we want for ourselves, for others. We have to visualize them to draw them into our life experience. We have to acknowledge our monsters, then release them and let them go, freeing ourselves of them. We just continue to keep our eyes on the prize, whatever it is we desire.

It isn’t about positive or negative thinking. We have to embrace both. Its about staying focused on what we want. It’s about not responding when someone does something we normally respond to, staying on our “high flying disc,” remaining at our higher frequency or vibration.

It’s about allowing ourselves to be as we are, even as we allow others to be as they are. We don’t try to force change. It is about flow, not force. Flow is downstream, to what we desire. Force is upstream, away from what we desire.

It seems counter-intuitive and it doesn’t make a lot of sense. And I can’t be sure that even this is the “right path” or the “truth.” It seems to me, at this point in my life, that it is. It seems to me that this is the right battle plan for the opponents I now face. But only my own personal experience will reveal to me, in time, if I have chosen correctly. If I have finally found any sort of answer. It will be the same for you.

We all have to find our way and figure out this thing called life. We all have to find our own path. So if these words ring true with you, if they resonate with you, listen to them. Follow them and your own heart. If they do not, don’t. Just follow your heart until you find what does.

Remember you are not alone. We are all in this together, we are all facing our individual “beasties,” the absolute best thing we can do for each other is love and accept ourselves so we can love and accept each other. To respond with love, letting peace and love rule our hearts. To follow our dreams and our hearts, encouraging others to do the same and supporting them while they do.

I will meet you on the fields of battle, and later, we shall drink in the halls of Valhalla, with all the other mighty warriors who have come before us!

Branching Off

My dad said something to me tonight that made it clear, it seemed to me, that he feels in some way responsible for my life. The subject of my birthday came up, just a few days away now, and he mentioned I would be the same age as Dale Earnhardt Jr. 41. After that he corrected himself, seems Mr. Earnhardt is actually 42. But anyway I commented that at least he has done something with his life, and my dad said his dad was famous, and that probably helped. I think I have read between the lines here fairly accurately.

As I prepared for bed tonight I asked myself how I could remove this guilt my father feels. I know that I am solely responsible for my life, its circumstances and situations. I decided that the only thing I could do was succeed. This brings up another  subject I will return to. In any case I figured if my dad could feel responsible for my failure he could also take credit for my success, and furthermore, I could credit him. I actually do have legitimate reasons to say that any success I have is because of him.

In my mind I was going over a speech I would give, and something occurred to me… No parents can ever produce anything else other than copies of themselves in their children. All parents are limited to the extent of their view of reality, the things they believe, the things they have learned. No father can ever teach his son or daughter to drive without first having learned to drive themselves, for example. Families are factories that perpetuate all that has been passed down from previous generations.

The only way any child can become different is by breaking away from the reproduction line, as it were. I had a choice in my own life. I could have stayed within the safe confines of my parent’s belief systems, and my fate would likely be to get married, have children and work all my life to support my family. That is my dad’s fate, and was his dad’s fate. But I didn’t do that. I broke off from that and am now on my own path.

However this is co-creative, to use Abraham’s terminology. If my parents had interfered with my investigations outside of what they believed, then I would have been trapped in my former faith. They did protect me from what they believed was satan’s influence, or worldly, when I was little. they did interfere then. But for whatever reason they took their hands off of me sometime around when I became a teenager, or maybe it was a combination of I was outside their influence and their habit of interfering was broken.

Whatever the case may have been the fact remains that no baby will ever learn how to walk if you carry them all the time, or if they come to depend on your hands being there. As a parent you know you have to let go, even when your baby is falling flat on their face, and this same scene is replayed many times in many different forms throughout our lives. There just comes a time when parent’s have to be hand’s off so their child can develop, grow and learn.

It also occurred to me that all the heroes of the Bible are children that broke away from their parents. I can’t think of a single instance where a child of someone like Moses or David simply inherited greatness from their parents. Jesus was nothing at all like his human mother and father! Feel free to correct me if I am wrong here.

In other words the factory model at work in the majority of families in our modern society is unable to produce anything exceptional. That is why we have no Jesus or Moses in our modern times. Because almost every child in America has followed in the footsteps of his or her parents. The last few great figures I can think of are perhaps John Carmack, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Einstein, Nikola Tesla. All nothing at all like their parents, all broken away from the family production line. But far, far to few, and the number of these special individuals looks, to me anyway, as if it is decreasing.

Exceptional people grow from ordinary soil. It applies not only to those who, on some physical level, have exceeded others. It also applies to the spiritual dimension. This breaking off is necessary in order for any person to experience that which is called God, Source, Universe or Higher Self, as well as many other names, for themselves. You Christians! Do you realize the Biblical heroes you admire and on which you base the lessons you teach, are all children who broke away from their parents, and in many cases, their peers, religions and society? Do you understand that your child will never be like these men and women as long as they do not break away from you?

For every parent out there, the best thing you can do for your child is support them in breaking away from you. By that I mean breaking away from what you believe and define as reality. If you want them to truly excel and succeed, you have to take your hands off, just as you did when they first learned how to walk. They can not stand on their own as individuals if they are depending on the crutches of your worldview. They can not experience God for themselves within the confines of any religion

When it comes down to it, you only know a tiny piece of all there is to know about the world or whatever energy created it. You know only one definition of the thousands that attempt to define that which is indefinable. Share these fragments with your children, and let them go into the world to find the pieces that fit for them. Let them construct their own view of the world and the energy that created it from these.

When the day comes that I am standing in from of others with a life worthy of sharing credit, I can give credit to my parents, because I was allowed to break off on my own. I have fallen on my face a number of times, and may many times more. But we all do that when we first learn to walk. As it has been said, the number of times you fall is not important. What is important is that you keep getting back up. Otherwise you will never learn to stand on your own, to walk.

For me the result is that I have a much bigger fragment to share with my own children, and they will have a bigger fragment still. Eventually, once every human has a big enough fragment the completed whole will be revealed.

In the words of Gorden Matthew Sumner (Sting), “If you love someone, set them free.”

Everything Happens for a Reason

You may have heard someone say this, may have even nodded your head, unthinking. It is unlikely that you understand the full ramifications of this statement, what it really means.

We will work off a number of premises today… First, as Abraham teaches through Esther Hicks, this thing called your conscience is actually just a collection of adopted beliefs about what is right or wrong, good or bad.

Second that nothing happens that should not have happened, without exception. If something happens, no matter how terrible or tragic it is perceived to be, the fact that it happened proves that it should have happened, because it did happen. On the flip side, if something has not happened that you feel should have happened, the fact that it has not happened proves it should not happen, because it has not happened, yet. No is not a permanent state, every no is a potential yes.

Third everything that happens is asked for or drawn to, without exception. Likely it is not conscious the majority of the time. Occasionally it is conscious. That thing you dread, that you fear, that you obsess over, that is the thing that will come to you, because you are calling it by strongly to you focusing on it.

In the shower today I started thinking about my brother. The holidays are coming up and we really do not get along. We have had some terrible fights around this time of year. I was thinking about how I asked for a brother, how I was so lonely as a kid and so desperately wanted someone to play with that I asked for a brother, and it wasn’t long after that that he was born. I am not sure I directly remember much of this. It is more like an old story I have told myself for many years, based in part off what my parents told me.

Up until today I have felt guilty for how I treated my brother in the past. We had some violent confrontations as kids. I spilled boiling water on him from a water distiller, not on purpose, when we were both small. In later years when he and a friend were picking on me I kicked him, hard, in the butt with a steel toed boot. I remember these things readily, I only just now remembered how he shoved a vacuum cleaner pipe into my face, leaving a scar on my nose I have today. I beat myself up over what I did for so long. Not anymore.

How many years would I go on punishing myself for these things I did in the past, knowing now that I only feel they are bad because I was literally programmed, through my conscience, which as I said is an inherited belief system about what is right or wrong, good or bad, to feel that way? Knowing also that my brother could only be hurt by me if he was, at some level, asking for it or drawing that experience to himself? Knowing also that I could only hurt him in that way if I was asking for that experience, or drawing it to me? The fact that it happened means it was supposed to

If something is supposed to happen it can not be felt or thought of as bad or wrong. Bad or wrong implies that something has happened that was not supposed to. It is at odds with what is. Being at odds with what is, this is the source of most, if not all, of our suffering. Everyone out there upset that Donald Trump is our president is only hurting themselves. The fact is that he is our president. That is what is, in this moment. That is the reality, in this moment. When you argue with what is, you argue with reality, and you only end up hurting yourself and others.

Everything I have done in the past, everything I have beat myself up over all these years, causing me to bind myself, oppress myself, repress myself and ultimately, hurt myself, every single thing that happened, was exactly what was supposed to happen. Let me repeat that. Everything that has happened was supposed to happen. End of story. That is reality. That is what, at each of those times, is.

Everything that happened to me I have asked for, I am solely responsible. Everything that I have done to others they have asked for, and they are solely responsible, with the exception that I could not have done any of that to them unless I was asking or drawing to myself the experience of doing that to them. It takes two, one to ask for an experience, one to deliver or hand out the experience, which is also asked for in some way. And as I said before the majority of this is not done at a conscious level.

Today I have decided to forgive myself. To issue myself a certificate of forgiveness for every perceived wrong I have done. I have admitted and accepted these things, embraced them, released them and let them go. I have decided that from this day forward, I will define what is right or wrong, good or bad, based on my feeling. My feelings will not lead me astray. I know I will not hurt anyone, even given opportunity to, because I am a sensitive person who does not want to hurt anyone. The idea of hurting anyone feels bad to me. Not because it is a sin and I will go to hell if I do it. Not because there will be consequences in the next life, or karma.

The only consequences we face for our actions are in this life, in the society where we live. There is no final judgement. We do not need the beliefs of others about what is right or wrong, good or bad, to control our behavior. Too often when we repress ourselves in certain areas of our lives they become twisted beyond natural, normal states. I truly believe, the rise of the LGBT community is solely due, as I have said before, to religious oppression and sexual repression. It is a rebellion against some ancient inherited part of our collection conscience that says what is right or wrong, bad or good, in a relationship. It is not our own personal beliefs. These are beliefs that have been passed down, generation after generation, that we have successively adopted.

I am certain the 60’s were mankind’s first collective cleanse, a shaking off of the old, adopted and inherited crap, and the LGBT movement is performing a similar function today. As a race we have collectively asked to be free from the strictures of our past, and now we are freeing ourselves. In the past we wanted the strict moral and religious code, that is what we collectively asked for or drew to us. Either we wanted it or we are all afraid of it. Either way there was a focus on that, and that is what we received. Now there is a focus away from morals and religion, and that is what we are receiving.

I think we are moving as a race into a future were there is less control over us and moral as well as religious flexibility. Honestly this is the way it should be. We should not have to be told to “…treat our neighbors as ourselves.” We should want to. We should not have to be told not to hurt others, we should have no desire to hurt others. We should not have to be told who or what God is. We should want to experience whatever or whoever God is for ourselves. If this is the future we are headed to, it is a bright one indeed!

But what I want you personally to take away from this, right now, in this moment, tossing aside everything else I have said, is that it is time to stop punishing yourself for the things you have done. Everything you perceive to be negative, bad or wrong that you have felt or thought, said or done in the course of your life. Whatever has happened was supposed to happen. Whatever you did was asked for and drawn to whoever you did it to. You also, in some way, asked for or drew to you these experiences. It is time to let them go, to admit and allow them, embrace them with love and acceptance, then release and let them go.

You are causing more harm to them, and yourself, by keeping these things alive in your memory. They can’t move on until you do. Move on. It’s done, it is in the past, no matter how horrible you perceive what you have felt or thought, said or done to be, that was then. You are not living there anymore. You are here, in this moment, reading these words. As long as you insist on revisiting the past you are denying the reality of what is, and your suffering, and their suffering, will continue.

Do everyone a favor and come back to this moment, right here, right now. To quote Ram Dass, “Be Here Now.” Where else can you be anyway? Can you go back to the past and change anything? No. But you can be here, in this moment, and from this moment on build a better future for yourself and others. I think that is a far better place to put your energy and focus, don’t you?

I don’t know about you, but I am done being a prisoner of the past. I am done letting others tell me what is right or wrong, bad or good, desirable or undesirable. I am done subscribing to any singular individual’s or group’s ideas about God and the afterlife. I want to learn from them all, be open to all viewpoints. Be open and receptive in general. Let peace and love rule my heart, openness and receptivity rule my mind. That’s what I want, and what I am doing right now, in this moment.

What do you want? Why do you believe what you believe? Why do you think certain things are wrong or bad, and others are right or good? I recently learned that the idea of earning, which I was long raised to believe was right and good, is actually not. Because it causes me to believe i have to earn everything I have, and so closes me off to receiving things without earning them.

Have you actually sat down and questioned some of your fundamental beliefs? Do so no, let go of those you are ready to release and let go. Keep those you still want to hold onto. But at least do yourself the favor of questioning them, because these beliefs of yours, whether they form your conscience, your religion, or both, are directing your life right now, in this moment.

Is your life, in this moment, headed in the direction you wish to go? If something feels off, it is. Honor your feelings. Follow them. Listen to them. You do not need others to control you, to make you behave. It can be natural to you. You do not need a conscience, and you do not need a religion. These are crutches, use them until you no longer need them, then learn to walk on your own.