My Birthday and Christmas Wish List

My Birthday & Christmas Wish List
~ Listed In Order of Preference ~

Quality double-edged safety razor blades (like any of these, avoid all Van der Hagen products):

Shave Soap (simple, natural ingrediants (like these):

Reality Check Totem:
Reality Check Totem

Transformers Jazz (classic version):

Quality Noise Isolation Head Buds (like any of these):

Ramtha – The White Book and The Beginner’s Guide To Creating Reality:

Learning To Love Yourself by Gay Hendricks:

Your Forces and How To Use Them by Prentice Mulford:

Thale (multiformat Bluray with English Dubbed):

ColdPruf Men’s Platinum II Performance Base Layer Pant (size 2x):

Farberware Classic Series Stainless Steel 3-Quart Covered Saucepan:


All I Want for Christmas

In the Bible and the various spiritual teachings I have studied one thing becomes very clear, and that is you have to ask to receive. In other words you have to put it out there about whatever it is you want. It is not enough to simply yearn for something. You have to send a clear signal not only to the Universe but also to your fellow humans that you want something, and what it is.

But that’s not the entire process. After you have done your asking you have to be open to receiving. Someone may offer you a little money, or some item, or something. In some way it will come up that someone will offer you something, and your task is to practice receptivity, gratefully accepting what has been offered, without offering anything in return, or feeling guilty, or feeling obligated, or feeling ashamed, or anything else. Gratitude is the only acceptable thing to feel. Practice this enough and more things will come to you, eventually culminating in the thing you desire. But be aware you may get your answer to your prayer, and it may not be the exact answer you were looking for. However it will be the best answer for you at that time in your life.

I am still developing this in myself. It is very hard for me, because the Universe uses those closest to me to give me things. Those closest to me happen to be my parents, who have very little money. So I have to find a way to gratefully receive what I have asked for when it comes through them, when the Universe uses them as a channel to deliver something to me, and I have to do it without feeling ashamed, or guilty about it, or obligated to them in any way. As you might have guessed, I have not been very successful at this. In fact at this present moment I am not very successful at asking others for help at all. This is an incredibly hard lesson for me, and until I learn it I will experience a lack of abundance of all desired or desirable things.

Thankfully by the simple act of humbly stepping forward and stating what I desire or need, I am practicing the mindset which is required for these things to find their way to me. Also by daily practicing gratitude I am practicing the correct way to feel when things do come to me. I admit it, things have been tough, and as far as I can see, they are only going to get tougher. I have to work on that too, my perception. The ideal state is to acknowledge what is, to not run away from the way things are. But at the same time, to remain focused on what is desired. I am having a lot of success using The Remembering Method, when I approach something I want, visualizing it as it will be, remembering all the things that led up to the fulfillment of my request. Basically seeing it as if it is a present fact, as if it has already happened. I have co-authors Daniel Barret and Joe Vitale to thank for this:

All of this leading up to the main point of this post, letting my fellow humans know what I want for Christmas this year. First you need to know a little bit about me. I love Christmas, I love presents, and it doesn’t matter that I am 42 going very soon on 43. I will ALWAYS love Christmas and presents. When I have children of my own, their birthdays and holidays will be filled with gifts. Not as some sort of substitute for love. I know that a lot of people make things for others, or buy things for others, to show their affection. No, this will be in addition to being the most loving and supportive father I can be.

For me, gift giving is all about the thrill of playing Santa, uncovering something someone wants, and if I have the ability to get it for them, getting it and enjoying their enjoyment of the gift. Also I enjoy spreading the blessings and joy around. When I am experiencing abundance, I want to share it with my loved ones. I live for these things. In fact I often find myself frustrated with my parents, because they don’t want to put in the effort of taking my list (I usually write out a Christmas/Birthday list for everyone) then shopping for any of the items on it. They would rather just give me money.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that they give me anything at all, and I appreciate all the monetary gifts my family has given me over the years, whether its a coupe of bucks from grandma for my birthday (she hasn’t missed one to my recollection) or a $20.00 bill from my uncle, or a gift card. I really am grateful for any presents I get. I go into the end of the year expecting nothing, because nobody in my family is especially well off, and let’s face it, according to society you are supposed to stop getting presents around age 12. I know not everyone agrees with that, but you have to admit there is this mentality out there in people that “you are too old for presents.” Santa Claus is seen as something only little kiddies believe in.

Anyhow it really hurts when my parents don’t want to put in the time and effort to get me something I really needed or wanted. But I understand. I don’t think its that they don’t think I am good enough or special enough or worth it. It’s just they don’t like the crowds, they are worried about getting the wrong thing, and it’s a lot of work when you get down to it. But it still hurts. It means so much to me whens someone thinks enough about me to read my list, go out, get something on it, and give that to me as a present for my Birthday or Christmas.

No, I do not believe in Santa Claus. But I don’t deny the possibility of Santa Claus either. I would love to live in a world with Santa Claus in it. I really would. I would love to live in a world of real magic like that, or like Harry Potter. The idea of an individual reading Christmas letters, working on a naughty and nice list, then delivering presents to everyone is something I love. I have even sent letters to Santa as recent as a few years ago. Because even though I do not think he exists, I really want him to. I want there to be a Mr. and Mrs. Claus somewhere with a bunch of magical elves making presents for everyone. I watch the Polar Express almost every year and I want to be worthy of a Believe punch-out on my ticket. I want to be able to hear the bell until my final days on earth.

Most of all I want to pass all these wonderful feelings, all this stuff I love, onto my children. I want them to be inspired by and love magic too. I want them to look beyond physical reality, at places I have never really been able to go as yet. I want them to explore those places as thoroughly as I explored the land anywhere near my house as a kid. I hiked all over the woods, bicycled everywhere. I want them to go everywhere outside of normal physical perception, and be just as familiar with the worlds that await there as I was with the land around my house. That’s what I want, in the future, when I have children of my own.

However, for this Christmas, for my soon-coming birthday (December 11th), what I want is simply stated, if not as simply given. I want a large, decorated tree, with lots of presents under it for everyone in my family and myself, and I want a house filled with Christmas spirit to put it in. I have always yearned for a Home Alone 2 Christmas, where some kindly, well-off person gives me piles and piles of presents, because I have never experienced this. Never. To my recollection at most I have received 6 presents a year, in total, between my birthday and Christmas. Only once or twice have the presents have been awesome!

I am not saying this to complain. That is not my intention. I appreciate and am thankful for every gift I have ever received. Sometimes the most mundane gift has turned out to be a blessing, one instance I can think of being two pairs of socks my uncle got me I think before grandma sold her house. I had one pair with me when I ended up living with my parents, and wore them out over the years. I just recently found the other pair in storage, and now have a fresh, warm pair of socks to wear on these chilly evenings.

No… I said what I did to emphasize the point that I have never had a pile of presents, and I would like to experience that. I realize that very few people actually get piles of presents for Christmas. I get that. I know that things are rarely if ever like the movies. I get that too. I am just saying I would like that moment, that experience, of coming down the stairs, and BAM! There’s a pile of presents waiting for me. I have wanted this for years. Do you understand what I am trying to say?

In my example here, in my request, the gift is not the presents themselves, but the experience of having a pile of awesome presents. And its not about the tree, but the house. I am currently living in an RV. We have no working heater, no working hot water. Our hot water tank as well as our front and rear heaters have to be serviced, and we have no way of doing so.

We are getting by for now. But if we have a cold year like last year, I am not sure how we will deal. We can dress warm, we can use the electric heaters we have, we can run the propane stove. But we can use very little power, and in these recent cold days we had, which were not anywhere near as cold as we had last year, just a little frosty, it was barely enough. All this besides my having to empty the sewer every 7-10 days, carrying 6-8 buckets of shit to the house. Takes me about 45 minutes, then I have to wash off, because those little droplets of sludge get everywhere and REALLY smell!

So yeah, having a house to live in instead of an RV, where I am warm and no longer have to walk buckets of human waste anywhere, where I can take a hot shower and where I don’t have to put away and make my bed every day – that is what I want. It’s not just a request for me, it is for my parents too. My dad is going in for surgery, and he will be some time recovering. Hiking up and down steps into and out of an RV is not the best thing for him to be doing, and we are nowhere near a hospital if there are any complications.

The huge decorated tree and presents are just long-hold dreams of mine. They would make Christmas and my birthday extra special this year. Failing the manifestation of these, getting the RV fixed and insulated against winter for little or no cost would be next on the list. Even just fixing the front heater and water tank would be a VAST improvement on our situation!

Next up on the list would be a gaming laptop, or a laptop with a separate video card that is not built in to the processor. Used or new I don’t care. Only that it works. I would be happy with a quad-core Intel i7 and 8 gigs of RAM, or the AMD equivalent. I am also looking for something where the touch pad is some distance away from the arrow keys, so if I am using the arrow keys at an angle my hand is nowhere near the touch pad. But I would be ecstatic if I could get that with 16 gigs of RAM and features like a keyboard designed for heavy gaming use. The Acer Predator 17 X is a good example of what I am drooling over:×1080-i7-7820HK/dp/B01N353QOO/

Next up a bicycle fitted to me. I am 6′ tall and have long arms. So I would like a 28″ bicycle that can support my 300 pound weight plus whatever I may be carrying. After that a Galaxy Note 8. My uncle came through, once we re-established communications, and updated my parent’s phones. They are now rocking some Samsung s7s. They needed it. But I would like to upgrade my phone too. The rest of the list would be filled with things like some money in my Steam wallet (username dreambliss various PC games, a PS3 or PS4 or Xbox One or Xbox 360 and a variety of games, a set of quality head buds, a 16 gig MP3 player without bloatware like the Phillips brand similar to my current 8 gig MP3 player.

Also if I didn’t have a house to live in and if the RV wasn’t repaired it would be nice to have a few weekends of free stays at a nice, pet-friendly hotel where my parents and I could have separate bedrooms. So at least we could be warm and enjoy hot showers for a few days during the worst of the winter. We enjoyed our time at Staybridge, and ES suites looked intriguing last time I looked at one of their dual rooms.

Finally there are a vast number of courses, seminars, training, etc, I would like to attend. Silvia Nakkach’s Yoga of the Voice. Abraham’s cruises or workshops. The Silva Method. Anything that would get me astral projecting and lucid dreaming on a regular basis. Also books. Old channeled texts published around 1850-1950. Modern channeled texts – especially the Seth books. A variety of titles I have mentioned at this blog. I would love to get my hands on WoLD’s Preproduction Blueprint video tutorial series. Stuff like that.

These are a lot of the things I would love for Christmas and my birthday, listed in order of preference. Maybe you would like to help but don’t have the funds to get any of these things? Well you could become my Patron at Patreon, subscribing for whatever amount you are comfortable with a month, and you are free to cancel that at any time. Or, if you want to start your own Patreon page, use my referral link. That costs you nothing and nets me a little cash – so we both win! Here are the links:

My Patreon Page:

My Patreon Referral Link:

If nothing else you could send your loving, supportive energy to me and my family, that some or all of these things may come into our lives, or something even better. I would greatly appreciate your loving, supportive thoughts and healing every as my dad faces surgery and we all face the upcoming winter months.

Thank you for reading. May you and your family be truly blessed this holiday season!

Something Keeps Me Fighting

Battle-scarred and weary,
Barely able  to lift my sword,
I stand, surrounded by my enemy,
Unable to even utter a word.

When we fight like this,
When our egos clash,
There can be no winners,
Only spilled blood and hurt feelings.

I wish I would stop screwing up,
Saying things with the wrong motivation,
Trying to fix things nobody wants fixed,
Trying to help people who don’t want my help!

It would be better for me,
If I could just stop caring,
Just keep swinging,
Just keep swearin’!

Instead of trying to make
these ungrateful fuckers change,
Dragging their ignorant asses,
To the best solution for all.

But who the fuck am I,
To decide what’s best for another?
Especially when I don’t even know,
What is best for myself?

Yes, I am cursed to clearly seek for
and find solutions to various problems,
I don’t know where that came from,
Or how to rid myself of it.

So here I stand in another blood-soaked land,
The hilt of my sword slipping from my hand,
As my opponents, more than I could ever count,
Keep coming, with yet another attack to mount.

I want to give up,
I yearn to give in,
But something within
keeps me standing here,
keeps me fighting.

So another Halloween has come and gone…

Why is it I get so down after Halloween, Christmas and to a lesser extent Thanksgiving? I love this time of year, and I love these holidays. I know Thanksgiving is based off a blatant lie, that we murdered the Native American people, starving them to death, death-marching them off lands which they had occupied for thousands of years.

I am pretty sure Santa Claus doesn’t exist, but I leave it at that, because I would love to live in a world where a being like Santa Claus could exist. Always want to be open to that. If I could step through a gate into another reality, one where magic is real like in the Harry Potter universe, or even just the magic of Santa Claus, I think I would without ever looking back.

And Halloween? I love scary movies! Some of my best memories were of sitting down, watching some horror series or others with my brother. But he is no longer here, my dad has never been as into it and hell, I don’t care how much you love your folks, they are no substitute for a fellow horror buff near your own age, who shares similar interests.

I am thankful for what I do have. My dad’s health is still not great, but it’s not getting worse, and he is a little bit more back to normal. I got to watch one scary movie tonight. I got some candy to chew on, some chips. I have had a good time tonight. But now I am sitting here, my parents have gone to bed, and I just feel more alone than ever.

Also this year has not been very good. Especially with dad’s health issues, and now I am stuck here through the winter, when I was bound and determined not to be. But I will not abandon my folks, I will sick around until dad’s test results come back, whatever surgery he has is finished and he is back on his feet again. So it looks like I am hitting the road come spring.

But I am tired of emptying the sewer every week. I am tired of living here in this cold and damp shitty RV. I am tired of putting my bed away every morning and taking it out every night. I have been doing this for 2 years now. I am especially tired of having no money and being unable to upgrade to a better laptop. I don’t like being broke. I don’t like missing out on things.

The last week or so I got stuck in something that occasionally sucks me in. I just managed to pull myself out again. But I am locked into orbit outside this black hole, and it could suck me in for good. If that happens I will be headed towards a certain undesirable end. I need to get my vibration up, I need to focus on the things I want, on the things that make me feel good. I have to empower myself. But at the same time I don’t care, I just want to give up, it seems too hard, too much effort, too much work. Easier to just wallow here in the shit hole.

I just can’t seem to extricate myself from my current circumstances, from this current situation. It is like a nightmare I am unable to wake up from. I am currently living in hell, or at least in limbo, and it is not a pleasant place. So many things I wanted to do, and want to do, yet I have no money. Places I want to go, yet I have no car. I am haunted by old memories of embarrassing, stupid things I have done and experienced. I am tired, far more than I am tired of anything else, of constantly coming up short, constantly failing.

I just can’t seem to find my way. I am lost here, wandering in the wilderness. There is little if any comfort to be found. I am plagued by questions with no answers. Vague, indescribable shapes surround me. I have no words, no way to define who or what my enemy is. I am under attack from unknown forces of my own making. I am possessed by my own inner demons. I know just enough to see what I have done wrong, yet any solutions easily evades my problem solving abilities.

Ultimately I know I need to get to a place in my life where the thought of killing myself no longer enters my head. Death seems the easiest and only way out. But if I could just get through this, make my way to end of the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I would no longer feel this way. Death would no longer appear as a perfectly reasonable solution. The only way to free myself and release myself from all the things that torture and trouble me. I would be happy, living a life I enjoy and want to live. I know where I want to go, but I have no idea how to get there from here.

And I have nobody to talk to about this. No friends to confide in. No money to speak to some specialist, and all the specialists believe in the myth of sanity VS insanity, so I wouldn’t want to talk to them anyway. Who are they to judge what is normal, what is sane, what is right or wrong? They haven’t been in the trenches of my life with me. They don’t love me, they don’t even know me. So they have no way to understand me.

But if I had a friend, someone who did actually care about me, someone who had been there with me, or who has experienced similar pain and trauma, someone who got out and wasn’t too wrapped up in their own life, I could talk to them. I could trust that any advice they give is based on experience. Not some thick dusty manual somewhere, or something they learned in college.

I have to face the facts though… I pushed people away all my life. I don’t have any such friend. I have nobody but my family, and family is not enough. My parents will never read these words. I will never tell them about any of this. They will never know. I don’t feel I can confide in them. Hell, they are part of the problem. How they raised me is part of the reason I feel this, part of the reason I am this way.

I know I have to take responsibility for the choices I have made, and I do. But all these patterns – the grooves in the record of my life where the needle sometimes sticks – that’s all on them, the things they did or did not do when I was a child. Still I love them, and I bear no grudges or ill-will. I am not angry at them. I believe they did the best they knew how to do. Nobody comes with a manual. I am trying to work out all that stuff, fill in those grooves. But it is hard, lonely work.

I am 42 years old, soon to be 43, and I have done nothing with my life. I have done little to influence or inspire others in any sort of positive way. If I were to die tonight, I would be able to count on one hand the number of people who would show up in addition to my parents. That’s not a good record to leave behind at 42, that is a truly wasted life.

If I could leave my body and donate it to someone who would make better use of its remaining time here on earth, maybe I would. Someone unable to walk, or battling some terrible disease. Just pop them out of their body and into mine. Maybe they would do better than I have.

But the body they have is part of their path, as my body is part of mine. All of my experiences, good and bad, are all part of the learning experience. This world is a classroom, and I am learning the curriculum my soul has chosen for me. Maybe I am also paying off past karmic debts, though I do not believe in destiny, fate, karma, sin or any other bullshit like that. I have no choice but continue, unless I decide to kill myself. Still looking for a reason not to. No luck so far.

Halloween is over. One bright light in an otherwise dull and meaningless existence. Now I trudge towards Thanksgiving and Christmas, hoping I can see more of my family. Soon, for a few weeks, I will be able to believe in magic, and the world will not seem as bleak. Until then I just keep going, because I can’t really do anything else. Not a lot of choice here. The world turns, the myth that is time passes, and I’m stuck in its current like everyone else.

Here’s to hoping tomorrow won’t suck.

The Meditation Process

I don’t know what to call this exactly. It’s a sort of a note, a sort of a lesson, a sort of a record and something unsorted as well. I just want to go over the steps of meditation, revising them from anything I have stated previously. However I have not personally tried these steps myself yet, so I will be leaving it to you to try them and see how they work for you. A book of interest, that has brought about this revisiting of the subject and taught me about this first step is, “The Infinite View” by Ellen Tadd.

Preparing for Meditation
At a set time each day get settled into a comfortable position you can hold of 15-30 minutes. No jewelry or tight clothes, completely naked if circumstances allow and you can trust yourself to separate nudity from sexual compulsions. Some of the best meditating I have done has been naked outside, feeling the sun and breeze on my skin. Also it is good for you to shed your self-consciousness about your body, which society forces on all of us. If you are self conscious about your physical form, how are you going to love and accept yourself as you are?

Some common positions include sitting in a chair, feet flat on the floor or ground, or loosely cross-legged on a chair, or in a classic lotus position, with your “feet in your lap, soles facing upward.”. Sit straight and tall, as if someone above you is pulling on a  string attached to the middle of the top of your head. Shoulders relaxed, everything loose and relaxed on this erect framework of your spine. Yes, you can even lay down, but use something like a divan that keeps the upper part of your body elevated, in a place you would not normally fall asleep in.

Step 1 – Opening
According to Mrs/Ms Tadd, something left out of traditional meditation training is to think about something that inspires you. This could be music, art, going out in nature… Anything that will, “…cultivate an open, spacious sensation at the top of the head” or  “… the sense of expansiveness.”

So something that makes you smile. Makes you feel good. It could be as simple as the feel of the sun or wind on your skin, or thinking of a particularity beautiful starry night you observed, or remembering the first time you held your newborn child – anything of this nature. This, according to Tadd, will open the Crown chakra, the upper part of the X she uses to illustrated the process of meditation.

When I attended the 10-day Vipassana “retreat” this was never taught as far as I can recall, or mentioned in any of their books. I am left wondering why this is left out. Tadd says it is a, “prerequisite to meditation” and it for reasons I do not understand, that feels right to me. In other words, it clicks, it makes sense.

Step 2 – Focusing
Now you focus on something, gently returning to it each time you notice you have wandered away from it. Be gentle and loving, as if you were training a beloved child. Tadd uses the mantra, “I Am Spirit, Everyone Is Spirit.” You could also use the classic, “I Am That I Am.” You can count form 1 to 10, then 10 back to one. You could focus on the breath moving across your upper lip as you breath in and out through your nose.

Breathe deep below your belly, as if you are breathing into your Dan Tien, Svadhishthana Chakra (AKA Second Chakra or Sacral Chakra), which is just above your groin, between your groin and your belly button. Same place you breathe into when properly singing. Breathing is allowed to occur as it occurs, it is not directed or forced. Your task is to merely observe the breath while remaining focused on whatever you have chose to use as a focus for your meditation. Initially you may not feel the air gently moving across your upper lip, just below your nostrils. But eventually you will become sensitive to this, to the movement of your breath.

Step 3 – Abide In Stillness
At some point you will find that you naturally return to your meditation focus, and that you can stay focused for longer periods of time. You will find you can access a sort of place of stillness, the middle of Tadd’s X. Again allowing and observing are key, no forcing or trying to make things happen. The final step is to rest here, for the duration of the rest of your meditation time. You will be filled with a sense of expansiveness or openness. According to Tadd, this is the upper part of the X, where you connect to, “…something larger than your individual self.”