… and I watch as the country goes to hell…

This post is NOT going to be very spiritual! It isn’t going to be very clean either. And it is DEFINITELY going to rub some people’s political affinities the wrong way. I am NOT being a spiritual teacher in this moment. I am being a 45 year old man, living in America, watching as the constitution is stomped on, watching as my president is wrongfully impeached, watching people running for an untested, unproved vaccine. I am responding to these things from a very low vibration, low frequency, non-spiritual perspective. I am angry. I am tired. And I wish I could do something substantial to change all this shit going on around me.

Normally I would relegate a post like this to my other, darker site. But as I may not be allowed to express myself at YouTube without being banned, I will do so here. I want to get these words before the eyes of other people. I want people to pay attention, to hear me, and to WAKE THE FUCKING HELL UP! The powers that be, the companies and corporations in charge of social media outlets, want to silence me, or more accurately, those like me who have an opinion that is separate from theirs. People who do not want to toe their line, People who refuse to believe what they want us to believe.

I guess in that sense this IS a spiritual post, because in order to walk your own spiritual path, in order to experience whatever or whoever God is for yourself, you will have to go against the flow of religion and in some cases, your family and the society in which you live If you haven’t gotten strong enough to stand on your own against the current by now, then you need to start developing those muscles, or you will be swept downstream in the tide of bullshit your religions, your politicians and your society has been feeding you since you took your first faltering steps.

OK, to sum up… I have not verified anything yet, but it seems that congress has voted to impeach President Trump not once, but twice. I feel this is vindictive and done without grounds. By that I mean any evidence they had to impeach President Trump would not be strong enough to stand up in a murder investigation, for example. They say he instigated the “attack” on congress. I have seen no definitive proof that this is the case. But I suspect that others WERE behind this, trying to kick the president out and destroy any work he has done. Also I find it interesting that nobody is mentioning the BLM protesters that were also on the scene. The local paper here called this group that “attacked” congress a “Trump mob.” This is an attempt to associate Trump with the protesters, when in reality Trump and the protesters are not connected. What I mean by this is that Trump was not in contact with any of them, did not direct or order any of them. Presumably some of them supported him, but they all acted on their own initiative, or on the initiative of an unknown third party.

This headline also dehumanizes the people involved. They were PEOPLE, not a MOB! WHENEVER you see this attempt at dehumanization, you are looking at an effort to make it easier to attack some group. The Nazis dehumanized the Jews, the genocides in Africa happened after the groups being slaughtered were dehumanized by their attackers. The media has been constantly undermining President Trump, even before he took office. There IS a plot against the president, Biden was NOT voted for by as many people as they say, and this attack on Congress was their coup de grace. Biden is not the legitimate president, and in the years to come the evidence for this will come to light, ideally, for those holding the reigns, too late for us to do anything about it. I predict, in the months to come, your media will only have glowing things to say about Biden, no matter what he is really doing while in office. I can almost guarantee this, put money on it. It is also a safe bet that he will die or become physically unable to perform his duties, so Kabala or whatever the hell her name is can take over.

The OTHER issue as hand here is the complete DISREGARD for the American constitution by companies and corporations – PRIVATE AGENCIES – as I believe the legal terminology is. The gist of it is this… Within the real or virtual walls of a private company they can dictate what people are allowed to say. According to Charmx, and I have yet to verify this, YouTube is currently banning anyone who talks about the election. Now I do not know who the idiotic, stupid, ignorant asshole was that made this possible, but we have to change this. We have to establish the Constitution as INVIOLATE, within the borders of America, PERIOD. Also, if you have America employees or users, you have to abide by the American Constitution. A precedent must be set that any company, real or virtual, based in the borders of America or comprising of any Americans, MUST abide by the Constitution, no exceptions. The Constitution must be sacrosanct! Of course, in doing this we also have to establish that a private organization, like a social media platform, can not be held accountable or liable for the things its users say. Only those things said by the representatives or employees of said platform.

The reason for the necessity of this should be obvious. If all a people have access to in America was specifically established to allow the people a place to freely develop and share their own opinions, about those in charge, about religion, about anything and everything. That is what everyone has bled and died for in World War 1 and 2, Vietnam, Korea and the Middle East. Because in all these places, some group in power sought to subjugate its citizenry, and we, the Americans, the Allied Forces, sought to free them. What good is establishing freedom for others when we have no freedom ourselves? What did our ancestors bleed and die for if a private agency can dictate what people may say within their real or virtual walls?

Over the next few months I will create t-shirts, look for petitions I will link here and do whatever else I can do to repeal the decision to impeach Donald Trump. I will do whatever I can to open an investigation into the real instigators of the “attack” on congress, and I will do whatever I can to repeal any protection given to private agencies to essentially disregard and disrespect our American Constitution. BTW… Why were these people considered trespassers in Congress? Don’t we, the American people,. own these buildings? Didn’t we pat for them with our taxes? So how could we trespass on buildings we own? Think about that for a second.

Too many people are using the fear generated by the pandemic to pass shitty laws and pursue their agendas, against the interests of the American people. We have to put a stop this this. We have to stand up, and if we need to fight, then we have to fight. If this has to lead to civil war, so be it. I would rather resolve our issues peacefully. It is ridiculous to assume that using war you can buy peace. It will only engender more violence. So I do not call for violence or war. I would rather pursue things non-violently, through well organized protests, the collecting of information being hidden from us and made public through any legal means available or hacking as a last resort, and petitions to our local leaders. I only want to take up arms if all other avenues to cleaning up this mess are blocked.

For now you can help me by simply buying and publicly wearing, this t-shirt. More designs are coming:

I Am Having Trouble Finding My Christmas Spirit

I really want to get into a better state of mind, a more positive way of looking at the world – all the things that tend to happen this time for me at this time of the year. But the tank is empty. I just don’t have it. I don’t enough so I can enjoy Christmas, and I definitely do not have enough to help others enjoy the holidays. I am not Scrooge or the Grinch. I do not hate Christmas, I have no fear or anger. I am just empty, numb, and finding it hard to get into any sort of festive mood. I am sure I am not the only one, especially after this shitty year!

It would have helped if I had been able to manifest some money in some way, outside of funds I have received for my birthday and Christmas. It would have helped if folks had been donating at Patreon and now Donorbox. Buying my t-shirts at Spreadshirt and TeeSpring. Hiring me for gigs at Fiverr. Hell handing me an envelope of cash on the street! Then I could have gone out and done some shopping. I love to shop for gifts for others – especially when I know what they want and I have the extra money to get it. No price is too high for a gift as far as I am concerned. If I was a billionaire and someone I cared about wanted a house for Christmas, I would find the exact one they had been dreaming about, throw a wreath and a bow on the door, then wrap up the deed with the keys. They would have that under their tree. I seriously would. Being able to be Santa Claus in that way is something I will never get tired of. Never.

That would have filled up the tank with Christmas Spirit. But I am having trouble getting my folks to communicate with me about getting a card for the lady we stay with and her parents! I have money I have received for my birthday and will likely use that to at least get some cards. I have done this before. I got a present for me, Jeracraft’s thumbdrive. I am eagerly awaiting it! In any case, this whole coronavirus thing, all the issues with going out to shop and all the issues shopping online, getting stuff where it needs to go on time, besides having no money – it has seriously put a damper on everything for me.

It would also have helped, and will help, if I could get at least a couple of nights away somewhere, some place with an available hot tub and not too many people or the associated health risks. As I said at Facebook, I could really use some time away. I need a break – have needed one for the last 4 years. I have watched others travel, visit friends, do things – hell – even get married, and I am sitting here, doing nothing.

Speaking of getting married… I grow weary of everyone I know growing up, getting married and finding some sort of life for themselves. It makes me think there is something wrong with me. Because I have been unable to do any of that for the last 25 fucking years! One of my family members, who I was close to for a while, got married and invited me to her wedding. I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. Mainly because I had, up to that point, been to way too many weddings. I was suicidal at the time and knew that if I went I would probably end up killing myself. She will never know any of this and will remain angry at me and distant. It is for the best.

Yes, I have admitted it here. But if you didn’t suspect it by now, you haven’t been reading the things I have written very closely. I have been suicidal all my life, up until a few months ago. I don’t think I had come out and said it here yet, but maybe I have. In any case, I have thrown myself into a full commitment with life, but as this year winds down, and with what is looming next year, I suspect I made the wrong decision. But I am not giving up, I will somehow accomplish my goals by the time the least expires or we leave this place. I have no idea how, but I will. Failure is not an option – I am NOT living in the RV after next year, even if it kills me, both figuratively and literally!

All my hard work at YouTube, Fiverr, Spreadshirt and TeeSpring will pay off, or I will find other things that will. I know I am moving from this house into my own spaces and rooms in another! And I know I will find, somewhere, a little Christmas Magic, maybe in some lost corner of my spirit. I will gather it up, put it in my tank and enjoy the holidays. I will enjoy them even if I don’t get any presents, even if I do get presents but they are not what I need or want, and even if I am unable to give presents to all the people in my life I care about, that I love, that are special to me. I will get through this year, and I will emerge ready to go 10 rounds toe-to-toe with 2021. It will be an EPIC fight!

One of the first things I will find a way to address is my exercise needs. I will start with this cheap jump rope I purchased.

11-23-2020 – I Need To Rant

I know it is typical at this time of year to list all the things you are thankful for. I am not ready for that yet. I have some things I need to get off my chest. Maybe I will at least gain some perspective. I could be thankful for that, if I at least get that.

So here is how I currently see and understand things… I am responsible for the life I experience. Nothing has, can or will happen to me that I do not ask for at some level. I have been programmed, essentially, since I was a child to behave, think and perceive the world, and myself, in a certain way. This programming comes from my family and family lines. My parents taught me as they were taught, their parents taught them as they were taught, so on and so forth. In addition to that there is societal programming that comes from my social and societal place, as it were.

In other words, a king in a foreign country will have different societal programming than me. I don’t think folks really realize this, but people over in Japan or China or even England think differently, sometimes radically so, from your typical born and raised American. And people in a trailer park think differently than the folks in mansions on Beverly Hills.

Moving on…

I have been working on my programming for roughly the last decade, ever since I became aware of how it was limiting me. I broke away from the Christian religion and started to walk my own spiritual path. I experienced things I could never have experienced as a Christian, and would never have even known about. But it has not really made my life better. It has not really affected any lasting, meaningful change, other than I am now able to be open around other belief systems/religions, and I am more open-minded in general. I am also able to learn about aspects of myself that I would never have been aware of otherwise.

I guess what I am trying to say is that freeing myself from Christianity hasn’t fixed anything in my life. Now I didn’t free myself from religion for that reason. But as I learned about beliefs and belief structures, how certain ways of thinking can become a habit and all that other stuff, I look back and I wonder why there wasn’t any sort of dramatic, drastic change. I think maybe it is because a lot of those belief systems are still there, under the surface as it were. I cut down the damn tree, but the roots remain. I wish I could have taken a stick of dynamite to it! In fact, I would like to do so now.

So maybe that is why I am sitting here, thinking about things, and have said to myself, “I wish I had had some sort contract to sign, that would state am am agreeing to being a 44 year old man, single, living with his parents, with no money to buy the things he needs or wants to buy, and no access to any large sources of income.”

You see that is the problem. I NEVER CONSCIOUSLY AGREED TO MY CURRENT LIFE EXPERIENCE! As far as I am concerned, I created it. But its creation and maintenance are happening at some level outside my conscious awareness. Nobody would agree to a life like this! I have no control, no way I know to consciously create the life experience I want right now, in this moment. I am stuck, trapped in my current life experience, unable to do anything I want to do. There is no book or manual, there are no clear, specific directions, as to how to change my current life experience to one of financial abundance, at the very least.

I have a lot of books that give me general instructions or a process or something like that. I have been applying myself to these, following these to the best of my ability. But here I am, still stuck, nothing has changed. I have no idea as to how to create the life I want. At a minimum I would want $2000.00 a month consistent income or some equivalent, because that would allow me to pay for my own place, cover any bills or expenses I may have, and leave me a little disposable income. I DO NOT want to work in excess of 40 hours a week for the next 10 years to start earning this. And it is not worth it for me to earn less. Maybe I could find a decent place to rent for under a $1000.00 a month in this area, but that is unlikely.

I need things to change, substantially, and I have no road map to follow, no clear way to do it that is guaranteed to bring me the desired result. Maybe I could get back into self-hypnosis, and try to bring the light of awareness to the darkened reaches of my mind. But I am tired of reading, studying, trying things over and over again and getting nowhere.

And there is no time anyway. Because in just over 6 months the lease will expire, and everyone will be moving out. Yet again I will have to deal with moving, and my body is beat up and wore out. After I get my parents all moved out, the most likely scenario is that they will move back into the RV and go back to the parking lot, as I called it, assuming it is still available. I will not live in the RV with them again, and I can’t anyway, as the bed I used to use is even more broken down and wore out than me. So I will be homeless, that’s just how it will be. Folks can call it a choice, and it is, but it also is not. It is no more a real choice than putting Trump and Biden on the ballot when you do not want to vote for either of them.

I got 6 months to figure something out. Break through, succeed, find some way to support myself. 6 months to get my own place, or if I am blessed with the finances, find a place for my parents and I at the very least, maybe even Kim’s folks if they need or want it, where we can all have our own spaces. Maybe a big house with 4 bedrooms on the main floor. Or maybe a house with a smaller guest residence. Dunno. But something like that is the dream, where I have my own space, and my parents have their own space, and anyone else we have with us has their own space. Where I have income enough to support myself, covering all obligations and leaving me some disposable income to play with.

But as it stands right now it is only a pipe dream. I have no way of turning that into my reality, no process I am aware of for doing so, no instructions, no road map. All the books I have read, all the wisdom I have gathered, are like a squirrel burying nuts he either looses, or can’t get to later because they are under a foot of permafrost. He’s gonna starve unless he finds a way to get to those nuts. But what can a squirrel do to a foot of permafrost, when his belly is empty now? Maybe not the best way of illustrating this, but the best I have for the moment.

Gonna turn off the computer and watch some TV. Try not to think, let my headache hopefully fade. But this year, both my Birthday and Christmas prospects look shitty. Nothing I can do for others or myself. And I am so over living like this. So over it. I am not even sure what to believe. Which of the teachings I have read are guiding me towards a better life experience? The truth, as it were, which will lead me to figure out what I have to change in myself to create the life I want? How do I identify those, and how do I determine which ones will get me where I want to go faster? Is there any way at all to gain any certainty, so I can see where a teaching is leading, and if that path isn’t what I want, I could drop it and pick up another?

I feel it is unfair that so much of my life, how it is now, is a result of how my parents raised me, the Christian beliefs I adopted, and all the teachings I received during my childhood and formative years. I didn’t get a say in any of that, and it is still holding me hostage. How do I free myself from all this bullshit, take the wheel of my life, and get myself pointed in the right direction? How do folks like Tony Robbins go from being a janitor to flying in their own helicopter literally months later? Because that is the kind of dramatic life change I need. What do folks like that tap into, and how can I do the same?

You know what else I am tired of? Asking questions to which I have never received an answer, and likely never will.

Forgiveness Is A Trap

Caught your attention with that headline, didn’t I? Before I explain myself, let me quote directly from, “Spirit Hacking” by Shaman Durek:

“Fuck Forgiveness

It’s scary to rebel against your family programming, and to defy your parents, and to stand alone in your truth. Being the black sheep in my family exacerbated what was already there—a lot of conflict, and a lot of violence, and a lot of abuse. I loved my father, and I loved my stepmother, and I loved my grandparents, but I don’t forgive them. I don’t forgive my father for the horrible things he did, and I don’t forgive my stepmom for the horrible things she did, and I don’t forgive my grandparents for the horrible things they did. I accept what they did. I accept that they did those horrible things to me. And that acceptance is what allows me—and all of us—to be free.

Forgiveness implies that what my family did to me was wrong, or bad, which blocks me from acknowledging that they had their own lessons to learn from those experiences, and blocks all of us from being able to grow from the experiences we shared.

I had a client who was raised by a very abusive, alcoholic mother tell me that she forgave her mother for all the awful things she did to her.
“No, you didn’t,” I said.

At which point, my client doubled down on her nonsense and insisted that yes, she did forgive her mother, because she went through this whole forgiveness process, and wrote down all her resentments, and burned them during a full moon ritual on the solstice.

And I said, “Honey, you didn’t forgive your mother, and you don’t forgive your mother. And the more you keep telling this story that you do, the longer you’re keeping you and your mother in limbo, and dragging out the suffering for both of you. That fact that you’re announcing that you forgave your mother just means you haven’t let it go.”

My client thought about it for a minute, then burst into tears.
“You’re right,” she said. “I can’t let it go.”

People hurt each other, and people do terrible things. That’s how life goes. But this idea that forgiveness is the magical key to our healing is bullshit. Forgiveness binds us, and forgiveness limits us, and forgiveness holds us back. Forgiveness is the worst. The moment we invoke the energy of forgiveness, we activate duality, and we activate hierarchy. Forgiveness is a blame construct that implies that someone is right, and that someone else is wrong, which instantly creates separation, and instantly ensnares both people in a quantum entanglement that traps them in the energy field of the initial conflict. Forgiveness is purgatory, and forgiveness warps a lot of shit in a lot of ways.

So what if my client went through the motions of forgiveness? Why would she forgive her mom for what she did, anyway? Forgiveness is a mental trap that keeps us stuck in energetic limbo. It’s pointless. But if my client could accept what her mother did, then they would both be free. Acceptance sets us free while allowing us to stay engaged, because when we accept, we are relating in the realms of truth. We are not denying, and we are not pretending, and we are not guilting, and we are not blaming, and we are not victimizing, and we are not judging. We are simply acknowledging. This happened. This is an energy or an experience that we shared, and that had an impact on everyone involved, and what they choose to do with those energies and those lessons moving forward is up to them.

It’s way more honest and effective than telling someone: “I forgive you.” No, thank you. I’d really rather you didn’t. Forgiveness is purgatory. Forgiveness is a Chinese finger trap.” – Shaman Durek

Now if you were raised anything like me, when you first read that it probably knocked the wind out of your sails. You had to take a step back. And that is if you, like me, are open to new perspectives, new ways of looking at things and seeing things. If you are closed off you are either not reading these words or you made it a few sentences in and then stormed off, angry, ready to hit something. I mean, the only way to let go of something is to forgive, right? Haven’t I always said that bitterness, holding onto to something painful, is like holding onto to broken glass? The tighter you grip, the more you bleed.

It took me a moment to realize that Shaman Durek is still championing letting go. Just not letting go through forgiveness, and as I thought about it, started to ask questions, I think I understood it a little better. You see if I have to forgive you for something you did to me, what is my stance? Well I am a victim of something done to me. In one move I disempower myself by making myself a victim and I turn you into the victimizer, the one who is bad or has done wrong, and that disempowers you. Do you see it now?

All my life as a Christian I was raised I had to forgive, to turn the other cheek and all that other nonsense. I am pretty sure much of it is taken out of context or not translated correctly, or maybe added into the Bible when they decided how they would put it together years ago, or maybe not even understood correctly. I don’t know. But I thought I had to forgive to let go, and recently I have been wondering, that if this was the way to let go of something, who do I keep bringing it up and thinking about it? Why does the process of forgiveness feel so unnatural and wrong? Remember, I am an empath, so I am sensitive to things, and I can tell you, something has seemed off about this forgiveness thing. Not enough for me to identify, but now, reading this and some thing in ACIM, the light of my awareness is shining on things I had not been consciously aware of before. Speaking of ACIM (A Course In Miracles):

“When you feel guilty, remember that the ego has indeed violated the laws of God, but you have not. Leave the “sins” of the ego to me. That is what the Atonement [the undoing] is for. But until you change your mind about those whom your ego has hurt, the Atonement cannot release you. When you feel guilty your ego is in command, because only the ego can experience guilt. This need not be.” ACIM Chapter 4, Part IV, This Need Not Be

Now I added the bold emphasis, and [the undoing] in brackets. Credit goes to an article I read someone that advised thinking of this Atonement concept in that way. But look closely at that. If guilt is an ego thing, then it follows shame would be, as would any opposite states.

So what is the best process for letting go? Acceptance, which I have said here many times before, and engagement, which I have never referred specifically to. But in the context of feelings, engagement could be thought of as the process of allowing yourself to feel what you feel, instead of disengagement, which would be running away from your feelings, not allowing yourself to feel them. So it seems that engagement with what is is the appropriate, best response to ANY situation. THEN, after you have felt what you needed to feel, when you are ready, you release and let go of those feelings. Or, in the case of someone having done something to you, you let it go, after you have accepted and acknowledged it, after you have engaged with it, when you are truly ready to release what happened and let it go.

My guess is that if this is done correctly, the incident will never come up in your mind again, even if you see the person. But this would have to be tested, and Shaman Durek, as of yet, has not said. He has not described what the terrain looks like once you have really, truly engaged with a thing and let it go.

Understand that suddenly going against familial constraints and deciding you will no longer practice the finger-trap of forgiveness may be difficult. Shaman Durek refers to Fractal Lines, and spirits of beliefs held within a family. You will have to read this book for more. The main thing is you have to stand firm in your commitment, because if you want to be free of things you perceive as having been done to you, that freedom comes for you and any perceived offenders. That is what letting go means. You aren’t holding anything against anyone. That is the only way. But in that freedom you will be acting from your place of power. Holding on, as I have said before, gives any perceived offender power over you, it removes you from your place of power, and it causes you to relive the incident over and over again.

You get to choose… Do you want to be free? Or do you want to remain trapped?

Getting Back Into The Habit… Some Musings On Writing Horror

Talk about multitasking! Playing two games and trying to write this at the same time. I guess everyone left… Haven’t seen any activity at all since I announced I had quit writing. A bit of an update on that… This has since changed to, “I quit pushing myself to write.” I felt so pressured to write stuff, establish a daily habit, all the things every writing book tells you to do, and that isn’t gonna work for me at this time. So while I am not fully back, announcing that I am writing again, I am back, writing again, if that makes any sense at all.

I used to write short horror stories. Yes, the guy who runs the spiritual blog. Maybe for some of you this is not a surprise. I mean things could get rather dark here, right? I used to be a Christian, I used to write poetry with a religious focus, and at some point I started writing short stories, mostly short horror stories. I have nobody standing behind me, supporting me as I say this, but I think I was pretty good. Am pretty good. I think I still have some short horror stories in me, and this is the time of year to delve into those dark waters again.

As a writer of fiction I appear to be what they call a “pantser.” I write by the seat of my pants. In writing short horror fiction, I start with an idea. This is called the “what if” by some writing texts. I just start writing, don’t even think about character names or anything, just make snap decisions as I proceed. The important part is to get the gist of the story down, then establish my character’s names and make sure everything is consistent. This works well for writing something around the 10,000 – 20,000 work mark. But after that, you need structure. You need bones to hang the flesh of your story on.

I think the scariest stories are the one where things are left unexplained. Most movies try to explain why a house is haunted. Why this is happening or that is happening. They try to show this in some way. One of the best horror movies of all time, in my mind, is Grave Encounters. Even What Keeps You Alive, by some of the same people. Because these movies leave you in the unknown, and that is the scariest place for a story to leave you. You find yourself in the dark, in a huge room, with things slithering around you, brushing against your leg, and you have no idea what the hell they are, where the hell you are, or how or why you got there.

I think the second pillar, as it were, holding up the structure of truly terrifying horror stories is logic. While the monster or its motivations remains unclear, unexplained, there is a logic in there, mostly that this could happen. To help make this clearer, if anyone here has read “Dark Carnival” from Joe Hill’s, “Full Throttle”, there is no logic there. No way what he writes could ever happen. It is in a word, fantastical.

But in many of the Dean Koontz Odd Thomas books, you can see how some of these things could happen. In a book John Saul wrote some years ago, the wind, which is a constant in a certain area, drives people mad. If you can see clearly how it could happen, if it makes some twisted, logical sense that it did happen, yet at the same time there is an element that remains unexplained, unclear, unfathomable – if you don’t know how it happened or why it continues to happen – well then you are in one of the scariest stories, in my opinion.

I have created an account at Medium.com, and I think I shall get back into writing short horror stories. I think I will also share many of the stories I have written there. I will begin to post links to these here. I may not stick with Medium, it depends on if I have an audience or not. If I am telling scary stories around the campfire, and all that is around me is darkness and the distant hoots of owls, well that is no fun, is it? A writer must be surrounded by shivering, trembling people of all ages, all shapes and sizes, all mentalities, religions and spiritual bents, completely transfixed by the stories he tells. Otherwise, what is the point? To be a story, it must be told, and to be told, it has to be heard by others.

Here is a non-horror story I recently uploaded to Medium:
https://medium.com/@dreambliss/what-do-you-want-to-be-12593fc24e1f

Do this storyteller a favor and tell me what you think. It is cold out here, in the dark, illuminated only by the glow of a dying fire, and I swear I can hear something moving out there, in the trees.

Join the discussion here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/DreamBliss/

10-3-2020 – …and Suddenly, I Have Something To Write!

A combination of things has come together and given a spark to the dying and dead embers that is my writing. It has created in me a desire to write, and so, for now, I am writing.

I am not officially back or anything like that. I am taking this thing as it comes. Except for this spark, my heart is not in this. But the one thing writing gives me is a place to express myself, far more eloquently than I ever could otherwise.

First thing on my mind, coming away from just having watched the final episode of The Masked Singer Episode 1, having heard T-Pain’s rendition of Sam Smith’s, “Stay With Me”, is that I really want to sing again.

For a while there I was paying for lessons from an excellent local teacher. But she wanted to train me classically, and I did try to swim in those waters. I found a way to work with Josh Groban’s songs, a fellow Tenor. But there was no help for what I want to sing.

I grew up in the 80’s, listening to what was called Soft Rock back then. You play a song that was on the radio from 1985 and I will accurately identify it 90% of the time. I remember one song I heard a few years back, I think from Nickelback, talking about how they sang driving into the steering wheel. I empathized with that. I have done that. But I never got out of the car, literally AND metaphorically.

Then what my former friend Josh was around it was like being a musician, being a singer, was HIS dream. I was supporting that, and my whole heart was in that. Even now that the person I knew of as Josh is no more, and has become someone else, I am still here, rooting for him/her/it. Just while they were with me, it was like there was no room for another singer. Somehow, not sure how that happened. I just stepped back I guess.

How many times have I just stepped back, instead of up to the plate? How many times have I never even tried to hit the ball? How many times have I tried and failed? And have I ever scored a home run? I never thought of myself as being controlled or influenced or ruled by fear. But I guess I have been denying that reality all these years.

All I know, sitting here, writing this, is I want to sing again. Not sure how or where. No money for lessons, no opportunities I am aware of. I can just do my own thing, but I know myself, and with all these other balls I am juggling, I will drop the ball. I guess I do not want it enough. I have to want it as much as T-Pain wanted to become a singer, taking I guess a detour along the rap industry route, but when you hear his voice in Season 1 of the Masked Singer, it is obvious he can be, and is, so much more. He deserved to win, and I wish I had a fraction of his drive and determination.

The truth is I don’t deserve to fulfill any of my dreams if I am unable or unwilling to fight, to put myself out there, to work for them. Not sure how that works with the spiritual ideals like acceptance, allowing and flow. But somehow, in some way, I have to get myself out of the white man’s version of the ghetto, and into a better life.

Anotehr thing on my mind is Ken Robinson’s, “The Element.” Reading about those four things as he lists them, as requirements for something to be your Element, I see that writing is not my element, because I lack passion for it. This actually freed me up. This and calling it quits with writing alltogether. It’s amazing how many things comes to you to write, how much you want to write, when you truly have thrown in the towel.

I see now that I have been putting WAY, way too much pressure on myself. But in reading that book I eased some of it off, and that has freed me. I can now approach writing on my own terms, write or not, and not commit to a damn thing. This is what I am going to do from here on out. Probably gonna toss everything out I have written to this point and start over.

On thing bothering me though is I can not find any archives of my first blog, “Romance Beyond Reality.” For some reason I wanted to revisit it. I have revisited, briefly, “A Different Path”, the precursor to this blog. Anyhow I can’t find that or any of my Brittany materials. I hope I did not delete them. Don’t know why I am looking for them. Is there something there I need to remember?

So… Yeah… I guess that’s it for now. Not as strongly as I want to sing, I do have the desire to write and publish something. Write something good worthy of being published and read by (hopefully) millions. I want to see it through, just as I want to see singing through, and piano playing, come to think of it. And I want to loose weight, maybe take up dancing. And I want to do yoga and Tai Chi or Qi Gong.

But the weather is turning, the leaves are falling, and all income streams have dried up. Even my laptop is wigging out a little, had a display driver crash the other day. Without money, I can’t replace my equipment, and without equipment, I can’t write. I know some writers use notebooks and legal pads. But my handwriting does not lend itself to deciphering by even me sometimes. So here’s to hoping that opportunity comes knocking, and I open the door.

9-21-2020 – I Am Done Writing

I have just had a sort of break down. Packed up all my writing books to go back to the library. Threw these stupid bookmarks inspiring me to write and other things to the back of the desk drawer. This will be my very last bit of writing for a while. I quit.

Spent the last 3 days or so looking for something I wanted. I needed the outlet. I do not enjoy writing. I do not love it. Yet I am told this is what I am here to do. Fine. But give me other things I can enjoy and love! But no, the Universe refuses to grant even that.

All I want is a STABLE, SMOOTH RUNNING, Android Environment running INSIDE WINDOWS that will let me install and play ANY GAME in the Google Play Store. Not downloading the .apks. No, using Google Play and having UNRESTRICTED ACCESS to every title. So the Android Environment will have to look, to Google, like a Samsung Galaxy S9 or even my LG G7 ThinQ. Something released in the last 2 years running Android 9. And it also must be recordable using OBS or some other reasonable solution.

I just want to sit down and try a few new games that game out on Google Play, doing gameplay videos of them for YouTube. That’s it, and I do not think it is too much to ask, or even demand, as the case may be.

I have put up with an old crappy laptop. I have put up with an old gaming PC. I have put up with limited finances. I have put up with being alone, single, dateless and unmarried. I have put up with not having space to exercise, do yoga or meditate. I have put up with sleeping in the RV because I do not have a bedroom. I continue to put up with living a life I do not want, and have even renounced suicide, committing myself fully to live.

I have put with so much shit over the years I know I am well past any reasonable quota. I am putting my foot down on this, telling everything and everyone in whatever realms exist that if they want me to write they better damn well give me what I want.

Don’t expect anything else to show up here anytime soon.