Why Is That Undesired, Unwanted Thing In My Life?

So I have taken it upon myself to help care for my parent’s 15+ year old dog. She drools, she has bad breath, she has mommy issues and separation anxiety, and she has little if any control over her bowels. Oh and she can’t really walk too well. The simple solution is to put her down right? Ever heard of parents wanting to put down their sickly human child? No? Well some parents have “fur babies”, and Amy, (Stinkerbell as I call her), is both my mom and dad’s fur baby. They have discussed putting her down, but it is more likely we are stuck dealing with her literal shit until she finally dies. Shouldn’t be long now, God willing!

I get angry and frustrated with Amy. Why? There is a root in fear somewhere – maybe that taking care of her means I will have less time to do the things I want to do? I don’t know if I ever wrote about that, but anytime you are feeling anger or frustration there is a fear of some need or other not being met at the heart of it. Anyhow, I realized something as I was helping Amy up for the umpteenth time (I am so tired of staring at doggy ass!) Amy is a symptom of some sort of cause in my life. In other words, even if I were to kill her, or she were to die, or my parents were to put her down, she would simply be replaced by something else. Amy is a physical representation of some sort of symptom of some sort of cause that I have to address in my life. In other words, I created this experience for myself, and Amy is just playing the role I have assigned her, at some level outside my conscious awareness. So if I want to be free of Amy, I have to free myself from whatever it is she represents – whatever cause she is a symptom of.

As I thought about this, I realized that EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING in my life that I don’t want – every experience, interaction, etc is all drama I have created for myself. The people, doggies, mosquitoes or anything else – even issues with my computer or all this crap I have to do for my mom on her computer – IT IS ALL SIMPLY PLAYING THE ROLE I HAVE ASSIGNED IT. This isn’t a decision made with conscious awareness obviously. It comes of old beliefs, feelings, ideas, perspectives and so forth that have become habitual and are running on auto-pilot in the background. What I need is a Task Manager that can trace back each process to its cause so I can terminate it. But as that does not exist (at least as far as I know) all I can do is practice placing my awareness on my anger, my frustration or any other negative feeling or form of resistance I may be feeling. Only in awareness can these old habits be noticed and then broken.

So… What form is Amy taking in your life? What is it you are going through that you want to be free of? What experiences are you having that you do not want, or outright hate? Ask yourself what beliefs, feelings or perspectives you may have habitually had that has manifested this in your life. Start placing your awareness on any negative feelings or resistance that may come up when you are dealing with your Amy. I gotta do the same. Because I am loosing patience, and the one thing all our elders need is our patience. How could we care for them otherwise?

Another Issue with Taking The Victim Role

So as I am sure I have mentioned before I am working my way through ACIM (A Course In Miracles.) Today I read something that, essentially, said that when we take any sort of victim stance (excluded, rejected, hurt, offended, etc.) we make our brother, also referred to as the son of God, guilty of doing that to us. It is an attempt to mix two dissimilar things – I can’t quite recall their names. I am still working this out in my mind. Anyway that is what the ego does. It attempts to make what is unreal or illusory real.

The fact is that your brother (this meaning any other fellow human) is a Son of God and is as innocent as you are. Any attempt to make them guilty of anything also, inevitably, makes you guilty as well. It occurs to me that the other problem with taking a victim stance is that not only are you playing the role of a victim, which disempowers you, you are also victimizing the one or ones you are making the victimizers. Because, like you, they are actually innocent.

I know this is hard to grasp, but I will try to paint the picture another way. To be excluded, left out or rejected takes, at a minimum, two parties. You, the excluded, left out and rejected one, and the others who have, in the reality you are making, excluded, left out or rejected you. They become guilty, you become innocent, so it seems in your perception. The same if you are beaten, robbed or raped. The same if you are cursed at or given the cold shoulder. Any treatment you deem undesirable that you receive requires two parties, one party will perpetuate the act, the other the act is perpetuated on.

Now this will disturb you, but even when we are talking about genocidal acts – the Jews being killed en masse by the Nazis – the Jewish people had their part in creating the atrocities they experienced The Jewish people placed the Nazis in the role of the victimizers, making the Nazis guilty and the Jewish people innocent. But the truth, at a soul level, the truth beyond the ego and the body it thinks of as itself, is that all are innocent, pure Sons of God, and to put anyone in the role of a victimizer is to victimize them.

When you play the part of the victim you disempower yourself, and you disempower those who are playing the roles of your victimizers. Both states, victim and victimizer, exist only in perception. There is a silent, unstated mutual agreement here. You put on the mask of the victim, they put on the mask of the victimizer, but these are only masks, not the true individual underneath. At any time you could take off your victim mask and put on a victimizer mask. Likely you already have, many times. And your victimizere can take off their victimizer masks and become the victims. But as I said, these are only masks, only roles we play, NOT The true actors.

An example drawn from my own life… I am working very hard at becoming a successful YouTuber, and my main work is in playing Minecraft, creating videos for it. But I see now I have fallen into a trap of my own making. Because I have placed YouTube in the role of the victimizer – making it hard for poor me, a struggling YouTuber, to succeed. And I have placed players I enjoy watching, players I respect, into victimizer roles, making me the excluded, ignore and left out one. When I realized this I also realized I didn’t want to do that. As I said I respect these guys – I want to be their friend – I do not want them to be my enemy.

The truth of the matter, at least as far as this server I wish to be a part of is concerned. is that these guys have little if any knowledge of me. How can I blame them for excluding or ignoring me when they likely do not even know I exist? This drama exists only in my head. It is coming directly from the ego, I am sure. If I want to be a part of this server, if I want to become friends with these guys, then I have to climb up to their level, not drag them down to mine. I have to keep working hard at Minecraft and become the best builder and YouTuber I can. If any opportunities come to collaborate or join others in the Minecraft community on a project, I need to jump in there. The question is, “How can I contribute? What can I do?” instead of “What can they do for me?”

I need to do this with my whole heart, even if I am never noticed, even if I never get to be a part of this server. Make that my goal, my intention, work towards reaching it in whatever ways it flows into my life to do so, but let go of any expectations – any idea or thought that anyone owes me anything. I have to be unattached from the outcome. Let go of any demanded or expected result. Just enjoy myself – that is the biggest key. If Minecraft (and making videos for it) is my passion, then pursue that relentlessly. If it isn’t, find what is my passion and go after that. The burden and responsibility for whatever I think of as success lies solely on me – nobody else. It is time for me to stop making myself the victim, and to stop making others the victimizers. It is time for me to stop disempowering myself, and in so doing, disempower others.

I am not sure exactly how to go about all of this. I don’t know how things will play out. I am struggling with my mindset every day. There is a lot of work I need to do internally, and in applying myself to whatever my passion is, which in this case seems to be Minecraft. I can’t let things get me down as I have before. I can’t keep telling myself disempowering, unsupportive stories like, “YouTube is flooded with Minecrafters” or “You aren’t good enough” or “You came into Minecraft too late” or” All the OG Minecrafters have either left or don’t care about you” or “You’re too old”, etc. My focus has to be on doing what I enjoy and am passionate about. I need to have a dream, a vision, I am working toward, but I also have to be able to freely let go of it as needed. And I also have to trust that the Universe will provide me with what I have envisioned, its equivalent, or something better.

So… How about you? Is there anyone you need to release from the victimizer role? Do it now. By freeing them you also free yourself.

6-10-2021 – Failing, But Still Trying

I am sorry, but I am failing to get at least one blog post out a week. I made this commitment at least to myself, if I didn’t mention it here, but I can honestly say I do not recall if I did. Still the intention remains, and I am here now, writing. Not sure what exactly I want to write about. All I know is I want to write. So here I am.

I suppose some updates are needed. I started a GoFundMe for my parents, at the advice of one of the people living here with us: https://www.gofundme.com/f/please-help-my-parents-michael-joan-buy-a-home

I have also gone in another direction with Patreon, but feel it is not enough.. It irks me, because to be an artist’s Patron means that you support them as they work on their art. The artist is not expected to offer incentives for this. But that is precisely what Patreon expects. Or at least in my perception it is. I should be able to offer a $5 or $10 single tier that is just providing support for my work, and expect to receive support. I shouldn’t have to offer anything. But, as far as I can tell, this is not how it works.

When Patreon works it works EXTREMELY well. I know one user, doing shaders for Minecraft, who is getting $50,000 a month. A MONTH. And they haven’t even done anything since December 2020! To me it looks like if you have something you are doing that people are interested in, or that they want, or even if you have an established thing you have been providing people with, THEN you will succeed at Patreon. If you have a large YouTube following, that is the thing you have been providing people with. Your content. You will succeed as well. I think 50K is not the average, but I do believe that average is 10K a month.

So if you are someone who has a lot of YouTube followers, or who has been making content for a game for a long time that is heavily downloaded, then you will do very well at Patreon. Start a campaign and don’t miss out in this opportunity. If you don’t already have a Patreon, or some equivalent, get one.

All this to say I am failing, but still trying. Failing to get anywhere at YouTube, still making content. Failing to write consistently here, still trying. What’s funny is I have an audience here. But it is a 99.9% silent one. I know people are following me, coming to my articles, maybe even reading them. If I had the same amount of activity at YouTube I would be able to monetize my channel. If I had the same amount of activity at Patreon, with people actually subscribing, I would be earning enough a month to stand on my own AND help my parents. I guess interest at WordPress doesn’t translate into energy I could plug into one of my many needs. But that is OK.

You see I never started this blog to make money with it. Never had the intention of monetizing this blog. Hated to bring up Patreon when I finally did, but had to because I needed support. I needed to find some way to being in money, and had to try every avenue open to me. I still don’t want to monetize this blog. I might publish it someday independently. But that’s it. I just started writing here because I needed the outlet to express myself. Also I wanted to share some of my poetry.

In just a few weeks I do not know what my situation will be. My parents and I still have not found a place to rent. Or rather we have found a lot of places to rent, and my dad has been trying to get someone on the phone, but nobody is returning his calls. It is a very unprofessional area over here, as far as I can tell. I mean our current landlord, I am ashamed to say who shares my first name, is raising the rent during COVID. Yes, we are coming out of it. But you don’t raise the rent on a house infested with carpenter ants, a falling apart exterior and bad wiring, to $3500 a month, during a time when everyone’s wallet is tighter than… Tighter than… OK, no publicly acceptable analogies here. But you get my point.

It doesn’t look good. I am trying to help my dad find a place, but yet again I am failing, yet still trying. Either some people are just destined to succeed. They work no harder than me, yet are rewarded better. Or I am doing something incorrectly. I am trying to fix this machine called success with no instructions, no manual, only my gut, heart and intuition to guide me. Others around me have theirs up an humming. I can’rt even get mine to start. Could anyone blame me if I just gave up? Honestly?

That’s it for now. I will TRY to see you again next week. Or earlier. Ya’ll are due some poetry. Enough of the doom and gloom. That stuffs supposed to go my OTHER blog.

Our Mindsets Are Our Greatest Obstacles To Our Abundance

In a little over a month my parents and I will be homeless. Today I learned that one of the families staying here has found a place. I celebrated this, and shared it with my dad. I thought it would encourage him. I mean, if they could find a place, so can we. But he is stuck in a mindset that you have to have money to buy a house. The fact that this couple had money enough to purchase this place seems to confirm that for him. He has no money set aside. I tell him about Downpayment Assistance, but it is like he doesn’t hear me. He usually starts in with his other mind-rut – his credit history.

As we travel around the area I see houses being built. I see subdevelopments that are filled with occupied houses. And I know that statistically speaking, not all of these people had money enough for a down payment. I know of one man who is renting a place, without a job, without any known income, and with a drinking/substance abuse problem. HE has a roof over his head. I point this out to my dad, but it goes right OVER his head. If it isn’t the chestnut, the same old saw, of this man having money from the sale of a house its this man has better credit.

It occurs to me that the people all around us are in a variety of monetary situations. Some have no money at all and no employment. But some of those folk are living happily in their own houses, while others from this same group are living in a homeless camp somewhere. On the other side of the coin there are those with plenty of money and/or a good paying job, who are living on the side of the road, even as some of that same group are enjoying nice new houses. The only thing separating these people is their mindset – the set of their minds. What they allow themselves to have and what they believe they deserve. That’s it.

I honestly don’t think money plays as big a role in getting a house as we are generally programmed from childhood to believe. There are people living in penthouses in New York who do little if any work, and it isn’t because they have a trust fund or come from money. Just as their are artists, dancers and singers working two jobs as they try to get their foot in the door. I am certain that as long as my dad doesn’t honestly and truly believe that he deserves a house, as long as he doesn’t allow himself to have one at any level in his mind, he will not be able to get a house. His fate, and by proxy, mine, is sealed, were I to cast my lot in with his.

I can’t do that anymore. I honestly believe I deserve my own house, my own space. I have worked hard all my life, and if that was any real metric whereby eligibility were granted, the scales would have to be tipped in my favor. I also want one, and am doing my damn best to allow myself to have one. Even without any income – only the future possibility of becoming a well-paid YouTuber, the goal I am working towards right now. The problem is I am infected by the same mind-virus, the same meme, as my father. I contracted the fucking thing from him. I caught myself later in the day, just a little earlier this evening, thinking about how I lost a subscriber at YouTube and doubting that I will ever make it as a YouTuber.

I realized it then and I see it very clearly now that as long as I do not allow myself to “have” success at YouTube, as long as a doubt myself and do not feel I deserve it, or am worthy of it, I will never have it. Ever. I am doomed to fail – in fact I failed before I even got started! I was advised to start a GoFundMe for my folks. Try to raise money to get them a house. I see now that it is useless for me to do so if I continue to think, basically that, “well I can put it up but I don’t think it will do any good.” If I put it up with that mindset, that belief, it will not succeed. That’s all there is to it. I am sabotaging myself and my parents.

I won’t belabor this but to put it bluntly I don’t think I will survive this. I have been fighting this bullshit for a long time now. I can’t seem to get out on the other side. I can’t seem to cure myself of this disease, free myself from this thing that both holds me down and keeps me back. But there is one thing I can do, maybe the only thing of any value I have ever done, and that is to warn you. Buying into the beliefs that were programmed into you since childhood by your authority figures, parents and religion is a dead-end road. You are marching a straight and narrow road from the cradle to the grave. You will have been born only to live a miserable life and then die. It doesn’t have to be that way, but must be as long as you believe it.

Now this may not be a belief you are consciously aware of. How often have you listened to the things you tell yourself? I mean REALLY LISTENED? Is your self-talk supportive or not? Friend or foe or frenemy (foe in disguise.) Are you allowing yourself to do the things you care about or have a passion for? Are you of the mindset that there is only so much to go around and you have to get yours before someone else does, or do you believe in an abundant universe? What are you allowing yourself to experience and to have? A house? A happy marriage? Work that speaks to you or that you can at least tolerate? Do you have money enough to live the kind of life you want to have? How do you feel when you look at something you want and say, “I now allow myself to have this, or something like it.” What kind of people have you surrounded yourself with? If you express some risk you want to take, do they support you or try to stop you?

Don’t wait until it is too late, until those old mindsets, those old habitual patterns, are so deeply engraved that you just can’t find a way out. Break free, rock the boat, shake yourself loose. Stop following everyone single-file to the cemetery. Stop doing what others tell you, stop doing what others want you to do, stop living for others. I have said it before that if you do not fill your cup, you will have nothing to give anyone else. You gotta find your path, and you will know when you are on it, because your old beliefs, your old ways of thinking, will just fall away. You will find real and lasting happiness there. Your life is not something meant to be endured. It is meant to be enjoyed. You are here to experience life and all the Universe has to offer joyfully. Open yourself up to that idea.

The only thing standing between you and something you want are your beliefs and mindset – the habitual way you think. Change your mind and you change your life. Different ways of thinking open up different experiences and options. What are you allowing yourself to experience and to have? Is it what you really want, deep down inside? Take a moment and listen to what that still small voice inside is whispering. The sooner you get started, the easier it will be to choose a way of thinking that supports you and opens you up to new possibilities. You know what happens when you stay entrenched? Literally in a trench? You will either starve to death or you get taken out by enemy fire. Nobody who has ever stayed in a trench, never leaving, has survived.

I fucked up. I tried and quit piano, though I enjoyed it. I tried and quit singing, even though deep inside I want to sing, I want to free my voice without fear or shame. I tried drawing, and despite the fact I have proof I can draw, I still don’t consider myself to be any good at it. I tried mapping for games I enjoyed playing, and quit when I compared my work to others and came up short. I tried programming and couldn’t stick with it. I keep picking up writing and dropping it again. I start a story and quit a couple of chapters in. I tried to meet someone to share my life with, and have long since given up. In fact I went through my entire time at college without really socializing at all – or even trying. I am running hell-bent at YouTube because it is my last hope, and I think it actually might be.

DO NOT follow my example! DO BETTER! Your happiness, your life, literally depends on it!

4-26-2021 – Today I Learned I Need To Treat Confrontation Like A Loaded Gun

Some events have occurred, things were said, or rather texted, and now I am facing a difficult situation. As I was walking the dog tonight I realized a few things. The things I am feeling in the aftermath of this experience are the very same feelings I have felt in a variety of what I would call negative experiences throughout my life. In other words, I find I am repeating this over and over again, and that points to a deeply held belief. Maybe even a trauma. Something buried and ingrained deep within me. It is up to be to extricate it.

The other thing that became very clear to me is that I have to treat this ability I have to confront people like a loaded gun. I really do. It should only be used in the defense of the lives of either myself or other people, and only after extensive training. I should be as well trained in the use of confrontation as a police officer is charged to be with their weapons. When I am not using confrontation, it should be locked away, like a loaded gun. I need to practice confrontation safety. If I ever take confrontation out of its safe, it must be secured in a holster, and it must remain there until it is time to use it. Like some police officers with their gun, I am beginning to think that there will never be a situation in which I would need to draw confrontation from its holster.

I have committed tonight that I will no longer judge people, or assume anything. My mantra now is, “If I don’t have all the facts, I know nothing, if I know nothing, I assume nothing.” I think between holstering or locking up confrontation and no longer judging or making assumptions I will avoid any situations like this in the future. Because I never want to feel these feelings again. I hate them. I hate feeling this way. Honestly I hate myself. Or I am just really, really disappointed in myself. I know I failed, but I feel like a failure. The tough part is that the primary feelings wrapped up in this feeling experience are that an injustice has been done, mixed with a slow burning righteous anger. I stand in the aftermath of this experience, knowing that I have been wronged, that my punished is undeserved and honestly, unmerited. Maybe I said things that people didn’t like. But I didn’t hurt anyone, and at least part of what I said needed to be said.

Silence IS consent. If I had said nothing, I would not be having any issues right now, but lives would literally be at risk. I spoke up because I thought someone had to. I wasn’t aware that the situation was being handled. I would have preferred to keep my hands off it entirely. Ultimately it is not my responsibility. Only an idiot takes up responsibility that they don’t own. It is hard enough just being responsible for ourselves. To put it bluntly and briefly, one of the people who lives at this house where I live has been tested positive for COVID. We have no idea how long she had been sick before she got tested and told us. A couple of days ago she left to go downtown, just a few days into her quarantine. She was coming back as I was leaving to help my dad at work. She was not wearing a mask. She had driven out to get fast food. I told her mom, and that is where I should have left it. But her mother’s reply didn’t come off, to me, as taking it seriously enough.

I find out after the fact that this person’s mother had taken some precautions, and set things up so that her daughter would not have to come downstairs while in self-isolation. I had spoken to the daughter, telling her that she should not be going out as long as she tested positive for COVID. I found out that her mother had already spoken to her. I shouldn’t have said anything. I only spoke to the daughter because I was not aware that she had been spoken to by her mother. I thought nobody was doing anything. Because her daughter went out, AGAIN, and was out of quarantine for several house. That’s the gist of it, there is a lot more and the texts I sent her mom, as well as her mom’s reply. I will not go any further into this. But that is why I said what I said. Because, to my mind, if COVID is going to spread and kill people, it will be because of the actions of individuals like this woman’s daughter, self-centeredly going into town when they should be staying locked up at home.

I leave this as a public commitment and record. I have holstered and locked away confrontation. I never want to be like my parents, who rarely speak up for themselves and are always concerned how others feel. I never want to be like my brother, complaining about things to one person trying to bring them to his side when that same person is friends with the person he is complaining about. But I also no longer wish to judge or assume anything. Maybe this was how my parents and my brother once were, or maybe this is how I perceive them to be. But unless I could say definitively one way or that other that this is the way they are, I need to keep my assumptions and judgments to myself, as I do not have all the facts. I might still need to stand up for myself, but that is a little different than using confrontation. Because the intention, the mindset, is different.

Now I have to deal with the fallout. I have to make sure I do not cause any additional disharmony. Some will be inevitable. What I have been ordered to do is not something I can do, for numerous reasons. But while I live here I have placed myself under my parent’s authority, and I will follow their instructions, or leave the house entirely. I am not sure which course of action I will take. I have nowhere to go and am now waiting for my test results. Because if they are positive I will have to self-isolate and stay here until they clear. But it is time. It has been time for a long time. Time for me to find a way to stand on my own, to walk my own path, and I have committed to this tonight as well. From this point forward, I must walk my own path, to whatever cursed terrain it takes me.

I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the short end of the stick, I hate coming up short. I hate that other people seem to effortlessly interact with others while I struggle. I feel like there is something irreconcilably wrong with me. As if I had received bad or incomplete instructions after stepping off the factory line. I don’t fit and I never have. I don’t even know if there is a place in this world for me. I feel like a fraud, having all these awesome insights that will likely change people’s lives, if they don’t at the very least expand their horizons a little. Yet I can’t seem to get this whole life thing right. There is nothing more terrible that knowing how things should be, yet being unable to make the needed adjustments or fixes to make them that way.

I really am on the outside.

4-12-2021 – What The Hell Am I Doing with My Life???

I appear to have forgotten my commitment to writing at least one blog entry a week. Well here is this weekend’s entry, just a day late. Really struggling right now. I am NOT enjoying the cold weather we have been having! I am also NOT enjoying the constant annoyance of taking care of my parent’s elder dog! My complete dislike, even unhappiness, with my present moment experience is mixed with a couple of things… Worry about the future, certain thoughts I though I was done with, and this underlying old belief I have not been able to shake that I am not enough.

I caught it this time though, as I talked out loud while trying to get the damn dog to go poop. I said all these initial things, and that lead to this idea I am not enough. It started with the question of what I am doing with my life. The realization, or at least clarifying the thought, that I want to do more with it. And that lead to the underlying belief that I am not enough.

I was thinking about how even in an ideal solution, with my parents and I in our own places – me in my house or area and they in theirs – that even though I would have the space to exercise, where I would exercise, that I would be close to town, where I would get a job, and that I would also continue my writing and work at YouTube. Still, I would essentially be at the same dead-end I am at now. Doing nothing with my life.

But then I asked myself, what constitutes actually doing something with your life? My dad moved out, got a job, got married, had then raised my brother and I, then retired. But really what has he done with his life? Likely he will work until he can’t work anymore. He has no future plans – no more than I do.

I know I want to stand on my own, and that I want to travel the world. But how I am to go about accomplishing these things is beyond me. I suppose if I could at least find a way to stand on my own and support myself, as well as any family I have, that this would be a worthy enough goal. Perhaps my dad feels the same way.

I wish I knew exactly WHAT to do! What steps to take, what direction to point – SOMETHING. I am feeling very discouraged, frustrated, a little angry and super tired of everything.

Criticizing and Judging VS Acceptance and Allowing

So I have taken up typing again in an attempt to learn a new keyboard. In an effort to diagnose any issues with my connectivity, I wanted to take a moment and write something here.

I was taking care of the dog, and I caught myself in the act of criticizing and judging. I realized that there is no difference between me and another person who lives here. She is overtly critical and judgmental, I am covertly that way. I realized the reason this person is in my life is because that is the frequency or vibration I have been operating at. I have been critical and judgmental, just not aware of it, not really. Maybe there have been previous moments of lucidity, of awareness. But maybe this was the first time I had become truly aware of my hidden (from conscious awareness) critical and judgmental nature.

The reason these people are in my life is because of the way I am, and even going over this is more criticism and judgment, towards them and myself. Then I realized something else, what criticism and judgment actually is. It is a “pushing away from.” It is a way to distance, segregate, and separate. But when we do that, we are not accepting or allowing. We can not accept ourselves if we are constantly criticizing and judging ourselves,. We are not accepting others if we are criticizing and judging them. To accept someone is the opposite of criticizing or judging them.

Now think how this applies to other areas of your life. In what other areas are you criticizing and judging? Money perhaps? Do you have criticisms towards money, or judgments about it? If you do, then you are not accepting money, and if you are not accepting money, you are not allowing it into your life. The energy of it is blocked for you, so the physical form (currency) is not showing up. At least not like you want it to. You are working very hard to get something that you are pushing away! Any hunter will tell you that chasing after your prey will all but assure you will never catch it.

So how do we stop criticizing and judging? Simple. We become aware that we are doing it. We can practice being aware of when we are about to criticize or judge, and with practice, we can choose not to criticize or judge. What we need to do is not that complicated. But even though it is simple, it remains very difficult, because your egoic self will try very hard to lull you back into autopilot so it can retain control. You have been sleeping at the wheel for a long time, and your ego has been driving your life. Is your life something you are happy with? I know mine isn’t. So I want to start taking the wheel and see where it will end up if I am driving. But this takes one more thing, and that is being present.

So yes, you will have to find a way to practice being present. You can’t sharpen your awareness and weaken the ego’s grasp without it. The ego’s power comes from you staying asleep, always dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. BTW, this is why all “manifestation teachings” instruct that you don’t worry about the how. That is just a form of worrying about the future, meaning that you are identified with the ego and under its power. As long as you are under the sway of the ego, your natural state of abundance remains blocked.

It is only in the present moment is the ego’s power weakened, and you have a chance to regain control. A typical form of practicing presence is known as meditation. I know you have heard of that by now. But ANYTHING you can do, where you can focus on your body, whatever it is doing, whatever position it is in, whatever breathing is occurring – if you can do something and just tune in, that can become a away to practice presence and sharpen your awareness. You could do this while washing dishes. Or writing. Or a myriad of other task you may do throughout your day.

If you are struggling to manifest money, this may be the one thing holding you back. Discover your real feelings and thoughts towards money. Free write or stream of consciousness write about it. No editing, no holding back. Get real with yourself. If you see anything there that is not simple acceptance and allowing, you are closed in those areas, in those ways, to money, and the only way to bring money into your experience is to open up. As I have said before, every flower opens in faith that the bee will come. It is only in opening that a flower can receive. It is also in only in opening that the flower can share its beauty with the world.

The sun is shining.

It is time to open.

3-29-2021 – Putting On My Glasses

Sometimes I just don’t have a title for an entry. This is one of those times. I figure a title will become apparent as I write. That’s how it usually works. Just a little peek inside this particular writer’s process, for those curious.

Today I sat down and thought about what I really wanted to do, in this case regarding Morrowind, OpenMW and the Construction Set (Morrowind’s Editor.) Last night I watched a video where my house mod, Amaya Lodge, was mentioned again. It made me want to return to Morrowind. Something there feels incomplete, unfinished, or maybe just unrealized?

I was having an extra hard time seeing the screen, and everything seemed so blurry. Some years back I did get prescription eyeglasses, but I have hardly have ever worn them. I donned them this afternoon, and everything became a lot clearer. But it also makes me a lot more depressed. I have to face it that I am getting older, and that my eyes just aren’t as good as they once were. Hell a lot of things are no longer as good as they once were!

I am 45 years old and going nowhere. The absolute best thing I have ever created or made is this house mod, and one other mod, for Morrowind, a game that peaked nearly 20 years ago, maybe a little less. This house mod, Amaya Lodge, and my other mod, Valenwood, are the only things I have done, that I can think of at the moment, that anyone cares about. Maybe some of my writing here has touched someone, and some of the words I have written here are treasured by someone out there, but I do not know it, I have not received any confirmation that this might be the case.

I have to face that I have been working at things for 20 years, and I have nothing to show for it. An once again I am faced with the fact that something I determined I would never do I have done. In this case, I determined that I would not work for 30 years somewhere and retire with nothing to show for it, like my dad. Well here I am, already 20 years on that path!

I am just going to have to face certain facts, certain realizations and things that have become more and more apparent to me. I am going to have to change quite a few things. I have to clean up the mess of my life to make room for a better one. I have to get clear on what I want to do, and be honest with myself about this. I have to figure this shit out, in other words. Because if I am still sitting here, 10 years from now, still having done nothing with my life, I would be better off dead.

I don’t need to be or do anything for others. I don’t need to get caught up in the doing itself and loose sight of the goal. I need to allow myself to be do and have whatever it is I want, and I have to embrace how I really feel. I have to work with my feelings, wherever they lead me. I have to find my own path and walk it, and I have to learn how to support myself while doing so. It seems as if designing in some capacity is one aspect of my life I need to integrate in some way, and writing is another. So that is what I will do.

As I now have to make putting on these glasses a habit, so the screen I am looking it resolves from a blurry mess into something legible, I have to “put on the glasses” in regards to the things in my life that have remained blurry, indistinct, out of focus. I have to bring these areas back into conscious awareness, and I have to deal with whatever has been hiding there in the corners.

But I have to admit, I am really feeling lost and discouraged about everything right now. I wish I had some reassurance that things would be OK, that they would work out. I wish I knew enough about what awaits me in the future so I could either course correct or run to it. No matter what we do, the future will always remain just out of reach. It will always be uncertain. It requires faith, trust and knowing that the Universe is guiding you in the right direction, and you have to allow the Universe to do so. But it is not easy, not at all.

I really hope I can figure this out…