I have just gone through an experience that has left me overstimulated. That is the only word I can think of. I am feeling so many things I just needed the space and time to process. So I listed to Mei Lan Maurits, then Sylvia Nakkach as I did the dishes. It is very hard for me to wash dishes. I have come to realize that I have a trauma from childhood, and incident that happened when I was a child, that involved washing dishes.
But I knew the “mindless” activity of doing dishes, as I listed to this music, would help me to untangle the knot of emotions I could actually feel in my stomach. It affected a later bowel movement and caused me to need to drink some Kombucha. It was not anything I had eaten – it was my body’s reaction to the emotional tangle I have only, as I write this, managed to unraveled a bit.
As I finished my self-assigned task, another way I deal with doing dishes is I choose to, and only if my heart is in it, and only in my own timing, and only if I do not promise to do them. Those are the terms I have made with myself. Those are the terms I have established with my parents. Their agreement is not required. I choose. I decide. As I finished them, I thought maybe I needed to write something. So I eventually sat down here and began to type. I had no idea what I was going to write, and I still don’t. But I think I will be sharing a few things I have been feeling, going through or thinking.
There are two reasons I am aware of as to why I am not writing here more consistently and regularly. One is that I am still at odds with writing. The other is that I am focused almost exclusively on playing Minecraft and creating content with it for YouTube. I think maybe the reason I chose this path, a path at which I am likely to fail either from self-sabotage or just not having what it takes, is similar to why I have these terms for doing dishes, and why I have to listen to music when doing them.
I am avoiding thinking about the future. How in a few months we will likely have to move. I just can’t think about that. I still have no hope for the future. I am trying to do something that could have a future. There are people who make $4,000 on a single video at YouTube. If I could earn that much a month it would be enough to support myself. If I could earn more I could travel, have a hot spring vacation. I could heal and recover. I could stand on my own. But if I am honest with myself, I do not really believe I will succeed at being a YouTuber. I doubt myself, I don’t think I have that special something, that secret sauce, that makes others doing the same thing like Grian and Scar successful.
I know this is coming in part from the severe case of not-enough-itus afflicting me. Also little or no self-confidence or self-esteem. I know there are what Mastin Kipp calls SP’s (Survival Patterns) trying to direct me at a subconscious level along paths thought safe when I was a boy. I am working through his 40-Day Claim Your Power book right now.
I know these SP’s have also caused me to assume that I am broken, that I do not fit, that I do not matter, that I have no value, that I am, worthless, etc. They sent me on a never-ending quest to fix myself, a quest I have now abandoned. I have come to see that, no matter what anyone says or thinks, I am perfect as I am, exactly as I am, right now, in this moment. There is nothing broken in me that I must fix. Nothing I need to change. Nothing wrong with me and… The Universe makes no mistakes. If I am here then I am supposed to be here. There is not fitting in or not fitting in. If I didn’t belong here, I would never have been here.
So today I did my second official livestream. I know that being a streamer is likely not a path I will pursue. But it is a part of content creation I am exploring. If we never venture beyond the edges of the familiar we will never grow. We will become cramped in our lives, in the illusion of being comfortable. Like the genie in the bottle, inside all filled with cushions and luxurious fabrics. But the genie has been there hundreds of years. We have to stretch, just as our bodies had to stretch and change when we were children as we matured. Every flower must burst from the familiar confines of its bud, or else the bee will never be able pollinate it, and the flower will wither and die.
In the course of this livestream and afterwards I went through I a lot. I as attacked and betrayed, though I hardly noticed it. Still I think it is affecting me at some level I can’t readily identify. I ventured into the End and beat the Ender Dragon, beating the game. The fact it had been decades since I had reached the credits of a video game also had an affect on me. As did exploring the End Cities, getting my wings. That exhilaration from earning them. I went into the game as close as possible to what would be a reasonable level if I were playing the game single-player. In an SMP, especially a wonderful one like Philosophy SMP, folks are giving you things, offering you things, trading with you for things. I did my best to keep it real, and I really felt I had earned my wings.
Then afterwards the senior member of my party took us aside and talked about some stuff. During the debriefing I learned where I had come up short during our time “End Busting.” I admit that did sting, and I still feel like I need to make it right somewhere. But if I am honest, I truly did not know better, and I did the best I could to share and not be greedy. I also learned who had attacked and betrayed not only me, but also the other two members of my party, both of whom I had been friendly with, and now having to gotten to know them a little better, consider to be my friends. But going into that coming off of the high of all we had done together – that was rough. I was feeling exhausted, punch-drunk even, bewildered and overwhelmed. Strangely I felt no anger. I still don’t. But I do feel disappointed and sad.
I wanted to know why they did what they did, I wanted to understand. Now my not-enough-itus is rearing its ugly head, telling me I must have done something wrong., something to make them jealous or offend them. But shrugging it off as mere jealousy feels cheap. Doesn’t feel right. Even if I were to embrace that conclusion, I would still somehow believe and feel it was my fault. Despite the fact that on a conscious, logical level I know this can’t be the truth. Strangely it is a self-centered, the Universe revolves around me, mindset that presumes its about me at all. That somehow I have the power to make someone feel jealous and drive them to malicious action. Bullshit!
All trees are known by their fruit. If the fruit is rotten, small or tough, there is likely disease or rot in the tree, or its roots. None of us are responsible for the rot at the heart of another. That rot is there because they put it there. They likely did not know they were doing so. But at some level outside their conscious awareness, they made a choice. They decided how they would feel, or how they would respond, or what some happening meant to them.
Then they placed some value on it, labeled it good or bad, took a victim stance and shrunk around the hurt, the scar or the wound. This shrinking infects it, fills it with pus, makes it malignant, and, as all seeds sprout to reveal the truth of what they are, this retained, unhealed part of a person sprouts. It sinks roots deep down, well outside the individual’s conscious awareness then it produces its fruit, in this case a malicious act.
I am not angry. If anger comes I will embrace it. But I am sad. I wish it hadn’t come to this. I am sad for what happened, and I am sad for the state of these people. I don’t think I am criticizing or judging. It hurts me that they are so hurt. It hurts me that anyone would be so hurt. But I do not know how to help, or what the solution may be. And I know that ultimately, I must allow these individuals to walk their own paths. I must not interfere, out of love for them. We all have our burdens to bear and lessons to learn. May they learn theirs quickly, so they can emerge happier, more joyful than before! May they feel whatever it is they need to feel, and release then let go of whatever it is they must release and let go!
As for me I am doing what I set out to do. I wanted to reach out. I have been so closed off for so long. I have my own infected wounds I must cut open and heal. I wanted to connect with people and make friends, and I think I have. I am grateful for this. I am also thankful for the opportunities I have been granted. I do not know what the future holds, and as I said. I can not bear to think about it. But right now, in this moment, all is truly well. I am just a little tired, and i will address this right after I finish typing these words.