I know it is typical at this time of year to list all the things you are thankful for. I am not ready for that yet. I have some things I need to get off my chest. Maybe I will at least gain some perspective. I could be thankful for that, if I at least get that.
So here is how I currently see and understand things… I am responsible for the life I experience. Nothing has, can or will happen to me that I do not ask for at some level. I have been programmed, essentially, since I was a child to behave, think and perceive the world, and myself, in a certain way. This programming comes from my family and family lines. My parents taught me as they were taught, their parents taught them as they were taught, so on and so forth. In addition to that there is societal programming that comes from my social and societal place, as it were.
In other words, a king in a foreign country will have different societal programming than me. I don’t think folks really realize this, but people over in Japan or China or even England think differently, sometimes radically so, from your typical born and raised American. And people in a trailer park think differently than the folks in mansions on Beverly Hills.
I have been working on my programming for roughly the last decade, ever since I became aware of how it was limiting me. I broke away from the Christian religion and started to walk my own spiritual path. I experienced things I could never have experienced as a Christian, and would never have even known about. But it has not really made my life better. It has not really affected any lasting, meaningful change, other than I am now able to be open around other belief systems/religions, and I am more open-minded in general. I am also able to learn about aspects of myself that I would never have been aware of otherwise.
I guess what I am trying to say is that freeing myself from Christianity hasn’t fixed anything in my life. Now I didn’t free myself from religion for that reason. But as I learned about beliefs and belief structures, how certain ways of thinking can become a habit and all that other stuff, I look back and I wonder why there wasn’t any sort of dramatic, drastic change. I think maybe it is because a lot of those belief systems are still there, under the surface as it were. I cut down the damn tree, but the roots remain. I wish I could have taken a stick of dynamite to it! In fact, I would like to do so now.
So maybe that is why I am sitting here, thinking about things, and have said to myself, “I wish I had had some sort contract to sign, that would state am am agreeing to being a 44 year old man, single, living with his parents, with no money to buy the things he needs or wants to buy, and no access to any large sources of income.”
You see that is the problem. I NEVER CONSCIOUSLY AGREED TO MY CURRENT LIFE EXPERIENCE! As far as I am concerned, I created it. But its creation and maintenance are happening at some level outside my conscious awareness. Nobody would agree to a life like this! I have no control, no way I know to consciously create the life experience I want right now, in this moment. I am stuck, trapped in my current life experience, unable to do anything I want to do. There is no book or manual, there are no clear, specific directions, as to how to change my current life experience to one of financial abundance, at the very least.
I have a lot of books that give me general instructions or a process or something like that. I have been applying myself to these, following these to the best of my ability. But here I am, still stuck, nothing has changed. I have no idea as to how to create the life I want. At a minimum I would want $2000.00 a month consistent income or some equivalent, because that would allow me to pay for my own place, cover any bills or expenses I may have, and leave me a little disposable income. I DO NOT want to work in excess of 40 hours a week for the next 10 years to start earning this. And it is not worth it for me to earn less. Maybe I could find a decent place to rent for under a $1000.00 a month in this area, but that is unlikely.
I need things to change, substantially, and I have no road map to follow, no clear way to do it that is guaranteed to bring me the desired result. Maybe I could get back into self-hypnosis, and try to bring the light of awareness to the darkened reaches of my mind. But I am tired of reading, studying, trying things over and over again and getting nowhere.
And there is no time anyway. Because in just over 6 months the lease will expire, and everyone will be moving out. Yet again I will have to deal with moving, and my body is beat up and wore out. After I get my parents all moved out, the most likely scenario is that they will move back into the RV and go back to the parking lot, as I called it, assuming it is still available. I will not live in the RV with them again, and I can’t anyway, as the bed I used to use is even more broken down and wore out than me. So I will be homeless, that’s just how it will be. Folks can call it a choice, and it is, but it also is not. It is no more a real choice than putting Trump and Biden on the ballot when you do not want to vote for either of them.
I got 6 months to figure something out. Break through, succeed, find some way to support myself. 6 months to get my own place, or if I am blessed with the finances, find a place for my parents and I at the very least, maybe even Kim’s folks if they need or want it, where we can all have our own spaces. Maybe a big house with 4 bedrooms on the main floor. Or maybe a house with a smaller guest residence. Dunno. But something like that is the dream, where I have my own space, and my parents have their own space, and anyone else we have with us has their own space. Where I have income enough to support myself, covering all obligations and leaving me some disposable income to play with.
But as it stands right now it is only a pipe dream. I have no way of turning that into my reality, no process I am aware of for doing so, no instructions, no road map. All the books I have read, all the wisdom I have gathered, are like a squirrel burying nuts he either looses, or can’t get to later because they are under a foot of permafrost. He’s gonna starve unless he finds a way to get to those nuts. But what can a squirrel do to a foot of permafrost, when his belly is empty now? Maybe not the best way of illustrating this, but the best I have for the moment.
Gonna turn off the computer and watch some TV. Try not to think, let my headache hopefully fade. But this year, both my Birthday and Christmas prospects look shitty. Nothing I can do for others or myself. And I am so over living like this. So over it. I am not even sure what to believe. Which of the teachings I have read are guiding me towards a better life experience? The truth, as it were, which will lead me to figure out what I have to change in myself to create the life I want? How do I identify those, and how do I determine which ones will get me where I want to go faster? Is there any way at all to gain any certainty, so I can see where a teaching is leading, and if that path isn’t what I want, I could drop it and pick up another?
I feel it is unfair that so much of my life, how it is now, is a result of how my parents raised me, the Christian beliefs I adopted, and all the teachings I received during my childhood and formative years. I didn’t get a say in any of that, and it is still holding me hostage. How do I free myself from all this bullshit, take the wheel of my life, and get myself pointed in the right direction? How do folks like Tony Robbins go from being a janitor to flying in their own helicopter literally months later? Because that is the kind of dramatic life change I need. What do folks like that tap into, and how can I do the same?
You know what else I am tired of? Asking questions to which I have never received an answer, and likely never will.