11-28-2021 – Is My Belief That I Need To Be Fixed Perpetuating Things That Make Me See Myself As Broken?

WOW! That is a LONG title! It comes after reading a few chapters at the end of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money.” Some of the things he is writing there helped me get a glimpse of something potentially life-altering.

Of course we have all heard how our true natures are love, or perfect, or some variation on this theme. I gather that I need to see myself as I really am in order for me to figure out how to define or label it.

The question I am asking myself is, if the key to accessing this is to let go of any desire or need I have to fix myself, in other words, if my perception that I am broken is blocking me from accessing my true nature, and in order to see myself as I really am I have to let go of the fixing, then, could it be that belief that I am broken, not enough, stuck etc. actually be creating those experiences in my life I define as negative?

I know this is not very clear and poorly written. Bear with me. Could it be that I am not broken? That, in fact, any such concept as me being broken, not enough, stuck, etc. is actually an illusion? I mean it is not who I really am, right? It is not my true nature? If it is an illusion, it is not real, meaning that the truth is I am not, never have been, and never will be broken, not enough, stuck, etc.

So in this quest I have undergone this last decade or so to fix myself and to address my internal issues I am essentially Don Quixote, chasing after windmills. The reality is there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing that needs to be fixed. There is no rut that I am stuck in. The self-sabotage and restless sleep, among other issues, that I have been experiencing are in fact symptoms caused by my belief in and ownership of them.

Could it really be as simple as letting go of this compulsion, this drive, to fix myself? And what would that mean for this blog? Mainly I have been using this as a place to share what I have learned. But if I already am everything I could ever be, do or have, and it is just a question of allowing it into my experience, of letting go of all opposing beliefs, what would be left to learn?

Maybe the desire to fix myself comes from the belief that I am not enough. Maybe it goes deeper, to some fear. Maybe I will finally be able to love and accept myself, to see myself as good enough, once I have let go of the belief, the idea, that there is anything broken in me, anything I need to fix, anything missing in me, or any way in which I could be coming up short. Maybe the actual solution is to stop chasing after things I need to address or change or fix.

I might have more to say on this later. Gonna sleep on it for now.

11-18-2021 – What Does Donald Trump Listen To?

Believe it or not, this is the most important question you could ever ask yourself! It is the most important thing you could ever Google. Because chances are, if you are reading this, you are operating at a similar frequency or vibration to my own. Meaning you are probably not one of the wealthy 3%. While it is possible one of members of this group could find and subscribe to this blog, it is unlikely. Because we tend to emulate in our outer world whatever is going on in our inner world, and we tend to operate at set frequencies or vibrations in our lives, unless we make some sort of substantial shift. We also tend to draw into our orbit, as it were, those operating at similar frequencies or vibrations.

So, if you are anything at all like me, you have no idea how to answer this question. You don’t know what Tony Robbins or Donald Trump or anyone other person in the 3% actually listens to or watches. Or reads, for that matter. But I can all but guarantee that the things they are paying attention to are generally of a much higher frequency or vibration that the things to which you and I are paying attention. So hopefully now you see why this question is so important. But there is an even better reason to ask it. You see, there is no way that I know of to teleport yourself into the Trump, Hilton or Robbins families. No way to live there with them and become saturated with, presumably, the sort of environment that, were you raised in it, you would not be sitting here, reading this. The sort of environment with endless opportunities to do truly be do or have whatever you want, the mindset to achieve it, and the support of close family as you pursue success.

Now maybe I am idealizing here, and I could be naive. But I doubt that the discussions around the dinner table in the Hilton, Trump and Robbins households is the same as the one around my own family’s. My dad is a janitor for crying out loud! My mom is an unemployed homemaker looking for ways to make money on the internet. They are always broke or short of money, and, let’s face it, they will never be millionaires. If that was something either of them truly wanted, if that was a natural state for either of them, if that way of living could become one they were comfortable with, then I would want that for them. I would be cheering them on. I want them to be happy. To succeed. To be able to pursue any long forgotten dreams or hobbies. All I can say is that based on over 40 years of living with them, their course is set. When they die they won’t leave anything for my brother and I, and will likely not even be able to pay for their own funerals.

I don’t say this for your pity, and if you are a family member reading this, please do not share what I have said with them! It is NOT my intention to hurt or offend. I am just stating the facts as I know them. Along with this is another troubling fact, and that is as long as I live with them, I will end up just like them, or worse. It is my comfortable or familiar zone. It is what I know and will allow myself to accept. I am soaked in 40 years of the kind of mindset that had my dad working at Safeway for 30 years, to now serve as a janitor. In fact if I wanted to I could inherit the job from him! Were I to become successful and wealthy I know I would find resistance somewhere in my family. That state is alien to just about every blood relative I have. So if my life as it stands (and as it will likely end if things continue as they have) is not good enough for me, what can I do to change it?

The answer is deceptively simple. I have to break out of the comfort or familiar zone. I have to break out of the rut, the habitual way I think (my mindset) and act. If my ultimate example is to become wealthy like Donald Trump or Tony Robbins, I have to think like they do. Which means I have to immerse myself in the things that they immerse themselves in. Hence the all important question, what does Donald Trump listen to? I think he is the better example to look into, because not only has he been wealthy, lost it and regained it multiple times, he set his sights on the presidency and succeeded. Whatever you may think about him as a person, can you think of a harder to achieve goal than to become the next US President? Because I can’t! If I immerse myself in the things which Donald Trump immerses himself, if I can virtually put myself there at his dinner table, and if I stay there long enough, that exposure will counter the training of my parents, and eventually cause me to become successful. If I could have a mentality that would set a goal like becoming the next US President and then reach it, then there is literally nothing, not one thing, I couldn’t do!

But how do I find the YouTube channels that have the kind of content that would immerse me in these higher frequencies or vibrations, this success mentality, for lack of a better word? They wouldn’t be like the stuff Tony Robbins does, who is always trying to sell something. The wouldn’t be looking for loopholes or shortcuts. Think about that for a moment… If you are looking for the “easy way” to do something, that implies there is a “hard way”, and once you have made the thing you want to do (becoming wealthy) hard, you have already lost! Becoming president is hard, and if Donald Trump had set out thinking that it was hard, and looking for an easy way to get it, he would have never won. It really is as simple as that. Donald Trump likely didn’t waste a single second thinking about order of difficulty, although I bet a lot of people “helping” him in his campaign did! Likely why so many were fired. He set his mind on becoming president, and in his mind he already was, even before he started. He had no time or patience for contrary voices, especially on his own team. I am almost certain of that.

So all these “easy way” investment channels, most of the “hacking” channels and any of these “this loophole” channels are all of a lower frequency or vibration that the one I am looking for, which is whatever the 3% tell their children as they raise them and talk about around the dinner table. I want to raise my mentality and develop a “wealth mindset” before I set out to learn how to invest or start a business. Because these channels operate at such a higher than average energetic frequency or vibration, they will not be super popular. That will be the first clue. They won’t have a lot of views or subscriptions, they won’t have donation or Patreon links, and they will not be selling merch. They will never talk about the “easy way” or “loopholes”, and much of what is discussed will be very high level, likely at the borders of my own understanding. They also won’t be very “new age” or spiritual. Probably won’t talk much about manifesting, visualization or affirmations. It’ll be practical stuff and content that supports the pursuit of success. As I write this I realize that maybe this kind of channel may not yet exist! Still, if it does I hope to find it. If you happen to know of any, please share a link in the comments below.

Just a few thoughts that came to me tonight I wanted to work out here in a post. I hope they help you in some way, at least to clarify what you are looking for, if you are seeking to break lifelong patterns of subsistence like me.

11-8-2021 – Thoughts On Self-Sabotage

In the book, “The Illusion of Money”, chapter 11, Kyle Cease talks about understanding. About chasing the person or thing that gave you this feeling of expansion, instead of moving towards expansion itself. I interpreted this as a sort of “high”, and when we do this we are like addicts chasing their first high. Of course chasing someone or something tends to push it or them away from you, just as resisting something only makes it stronger.

Anyhow I realized where I have been chasing my own “high”, and that is in video games. I have been chasing that feeling I get when I beat a tough level, or a boss, or the game itself. Or when I create something for a game, something I enjoy and am proud of. These ups when I play video games are really the only happiness and joy I am currently experiencing in my life, outside of the few instances I managed to get into the flow and have release myself of all attachments to outcome. But it is easier to play Minecraft than to get into and stay in flow.

Delving into this deeper, with the book, “Stop Self-Sabotage” by Judy Ho, I can see that this aspect of myself I have been referring to my inner saboteur has its principle roots here. According to here, these two roots are, “attaining rewards and avoiding threat.” The expansion, or “high”, is related to attaining rewards. Self-sabotage occurs when there is an imbalance, and your desire to avoid threat is greater than your desire to attain rewards. Of course all anger stems from perceived threats, usually outside our conscious awareness.

It comes down to patterns of habitual behavior and responses that were installed into our operating system when we were children, and had no defenses against it. These instructions are given to us by our parents or primary caretakers, who received them from those who raised them, ad infinitum. Nobody is ever taught, at least as far a I know, how to remove those old, outdated and useless instructions when we reach maturity. So they stay with us, something like the chains Scrooge will be dragging around again this Christmas.

So my question is… What is the best approach for me to end this self-sabotaging aspect of myself? Do I work through something like Teal Swan’s, “Completion Process”, or maybe Byron Katie’s, “The Work”? Or do I try to find a way to destroy it, delete this bad programming? Should I use self-hypnosis again? Not sure here. Just wanted to write this out as I attempt to synthesize these things. One thing I know for sure is that I want to stop sabotaging myself.

11-3-2021 – How Do I Stop Objectifying Women?

OK, so a brief message to anyone of any sort of feminine persuasion before you proceed… I may say some things you may be hurt by, or take offense to. This is not my intention. I have stumbled on another of my seeming endless list of issues, and I genuinely want to know how to resolve it. If a voice inside you is telling you not to read this, listen to it, and do not read this article!

So I am not exactly sure what to call this issue. As I understand it a (typically male) person is objectifying women if they see them as nothing more than a set of tits and a pussy. Essentially. Some might say James Bond exemplifies this. I am not sure. I think there is an equally dangerous trap to fall into if we start criticizing and judging people as objectifying women. Also let’s not forget that from a purely natural standpoint, the male human is only following his instinct. The “normal” or “average” male is all about mating and propagating the species, and is programmed to see women as the way to do that. And let’s be honest… A lot of males would be happier to just have essentially a living blow-up doll they could have sex with whenever they wanted. A lot less drama, a lot less pain, no fear of rejection – the benefits are endless. Women don’t get to score points for having winning personalities when it comes to an average joe like myself seeking someone to date, much less with which to mate.

That said, I am a writer (and I am still uncomfortable saying that) and, as a writer, I must create compelling characters to drive my stories, or nobody will read them. They will be absolutely worthless. Maybe some author out there somewhere managed to become successful using cut-out characters. But that has to be the exception, not the rule. Even Stephen King instructs writers to work on their characters. If anyone knows their shit when it comes to writing, he does.

Well guess what? You can’t create a compelling female character if all you see her as is tits and a vagina. Or in my case, tits, vagina and a tail. Please don’t ask. I am really struggling here. This grand vision obstructed by the simple fact I have to see my female protagonist as an actual person, as an individual., with hopes, dreams, fears (maybe.) I have to, in short, humanize her, even though she is not human. I have less issue with my male characters. I think I might objectify people in general, even males, but especially females. So I can get over the hump with the guys and create some characters I actually care about, as long as they are male.

It would not be fair for me to take the blame for this. I am certain that how I was raised was a HUGE contributing factor to this problem. On thinking about it, I realized I don’t even really see my parents as human beings. They are “parental objects.” I see their roles. I don’t think much at all about them as individuals. I did, for a brief period of time, think of them as once being children, and trying to see from that perspective, the child inside the adult. All us adults are children that grew up, but some of that child remains with us. But outside of that I have made little or no attempt to see my parents as anything more than their roles in my life.

I am sure this happened in part because I was taken out of public school. While in a normal public or private school, where all genders attend, you can’t help but learn how to socialize with others, make at least one friend, and see the opposite sex as fellow individuals and human beings. I am sure about that. Whatever you might say about having to go to school, count your fucking blessings! Because at least you won’t be sitting at a computer screen, 45 years old, feeling completely alienated from the human race, alone with no hopes of ever meeting anyone or having a relationship with another person! You will at least, even if you ended up in a similar situation to me, have those high school experiences to fall back on. And unless you are a psychopath or sociopath you will be able to see other people as individuals, not just objects. School will teach you that. As would having a sibling of the opposite sex. I never had that advantage either. But I imagine if I had a sister, I would not be objectifying women now.

In any case being raised in isolation, with little or no contact with members of the opposite sex, will seriously fuck you up! The few times you might have contact with a member of the opposite sex, you will likely embarrass yourself and not know how to act or what to say, causing you to not only be isolated but also to withdraw. That’s how it was for me. That and a heady cocktail of being laughed at in my face when asking the only available girl on the dance floor to dance, and being rejecting when offering myself to someone who had made it clear they wanted to loose their virginity – well these and other experiences have placed me here, wondering how in the fuck I am going to fix this mess. Because I can’t write anything with female characters until I do. And because fixing this for that also fixes things for me in real life.

Let’s face it… Women are intuitive, psychic, sensitive or some combination of these three, in varying levels, though they are not typically aware of it. So if I go up to a woman and ask her out on a date, assuming I could even get enough courage to do so, she will likely say no, because she will sense that I do not see her as a person, deep down. The only way she would say yes would be if she was lonely, didn’t really know what to say, was flattered or was simply trying to be polite.

In any case… My female lead/protagonist is a young “woman” named Marie. She is of a cat-like race of people and has a tail she uses just as well, if not better, than humans use their arms/hands/fingers. She is very sensuous, lithe, athletic. She walks around naked or with nothing on at all. Hey, it’s my fantasy! She is going to find or be found by my male lead, George, who is human and a lot like me. Actually Marie has some of my attributes, and George has some others. They are going to have a lot, and I mean a LOT, of intimate, passionate sex, and yes, Marie will certainly be using her tail. NOT like that! That’s just gross… Anyhow…

That’s all I have to her right now. Some glimmerings of other aspects of her, but really I just have a physical description. So Marie is paper-thin, a cut-out. She is not well fleshed out at all, except in the flesh. This fantasy/romance is dead in the water until I address my hang-ups and internal issues around women. So my question is simple… How do I stop? How do I train myself to see women as more than their physical features or what I could do physically with them? How do I move beyond the physicality and put myself behind the eyeballs of a woman, gaining some sort of understanding how they might see the world, the things they are experiencing or feeling, the stuff of concern to them, the stuff that matters to them, how their body affects them, hell even what masturbation is like for them compared to say a guy? How do I stop seeing woman as objects, as just the physical aspects?

I know some re-wiring is needed in my noggin’. I am OK with that. I think figuring this out might even make it better for me in my RL interactions with women. But at the very least I could write a female character than both men and women could enjoy. Being me, I looked for books on this subject and found nothing. I know someone has to have written about this. I also realize that as en empath and intuitive my inability to see women as individual human beings is going to get in the way for sure. I really want to gain this knowledge, this understanding. So please comment below if you have any book suggestions. Please DO NOT, for the LOVE OF GOD, suggest any “women empowerment” focused BS! Anything that attacks or undermines men to empower women is no bueno! I just need a, preferably spiritual, but at least compassionate voice that helps guys like me to think differently about women. That’s it. Any suggestions along those lines is very much appreciated!

OK, off to take Marie out on a date. For now all I can do is try to get to know her. Spend some time with her, as if she were a real person. Because she has to be real for me, in my own mind, to be real for anyone else in theirs.

Desire, Passion and the Gray Cell

So this post ties in with my previous post. I wanted to talk about what Napoleon Hill means when he says you have to know what you want. What Wallace Wattles is talking about when he writes of a strong desire. Or what is meant by having or holding an image in mind. Here, in as down-to-earth terms as I can write it, is my understanding of this.

Have you ever tried to learn to play the guitar? Steel string, acoustic guitar. If you haven’t, let me tell you what I don’t think many of the books mention. You have to cut your fingernails down to nothing, and keep them trimmed. If you have large fingers, or inflexible fingers, you have to position and hold them powerfully in place in uncomfortable ways. You will likely bleed if you are not used to hard work, and have tender skin on your hands. You will develop calluses, but it takes a LONG, long time, and then you will have these strange, unfamiliar rough bumps at the end of your fingers. So how does anyone learn to play the guitar?

Simple… They love the guitar so much, that their passion for the instrument makes them pick it up whenever they can and practice. I had a friend who lived with my family for a while, and I would often see him just reach over and pick up his guitar, to hold it and finger it, as you would if you were to play. But he was just practicing finger positions. It was an almost unconscious gesture, and urge like you would have to pick up the hand of your lover whenever you are walking together. You have to have AT LEAST as much interest, obsession and passion for the guitar to get you through learning it.

But if you really, REALLY love the guitar, if you see yourself as a guitarist, as the next Mark Knopfler or Jimmi Hendrix, well that desire is even stronger. You go to sleep dreaming of your guitar, or songs, or fingering on the fretboard. You wake up and write out a song, or grab your guitar to finger it. You go to work, and even if you work a 10 hour day and are dead on your feet, the INSTANT you get home and see your guitar waiting for you on its stand in the corner, you are almost pulled there. If you get to this level of passion, you will master the instrument, and this is the first step towards being an innovator with it. If there are any guitarists here who will pitch in, please do.

This is what “having a strong desire” means. It is something you carry with you, living rent-free in your mind, always there at the edge of your awareness. You are always thinking about it, whatever it is. Could be playing guitar, singing, dancing, painting, writing – anything creative. You are already ahead of the game, because you already know what you want to do.

However in order for you to know what you want to do you have to be aware of it. This is what “knowing what you want” means. This awareness could have come to you in childhood, when a fireman pulled you from the blaze. You knew from that moment on you would be a firefighter. Even if you were just a scrawny kid, you would try to bulk up. You would get beat up at football. You would never stop trying to become a firefighter until you first put on your uniform and slung an oxygen tank over your shoulder.

Others discover what they want to do later in life. There are no time limits – NONE. If you want to learn how to dance ballet, and you are 90, if you can still walk, move and bend reasonably well, you can learn ballet. And if you want to learn ballet, you won’t let anyone tell you no. You will simply move on until you find someone who says yes. Stephen King did this with rejection notices until he was published. Anyone remember the movie 8-Mile?

Now its been a long time since I saw this movie, but if memory serves we have this scrawny white kid, in MICHIGAN, who is passionate about Hip Hop. He wants to rap. He wants to be an MC. He wants this at a time when only black guys were really doing it. And Michigan for crying out loud! I am assuming it is NOT The Hip Hop capitol of the world. But Marshal Mathers is undeterred, and if you ever get a chance to listen to Kamikaze, there is some real skill and talent on display there.

So substitute, “Knowing what you want” with “Becoming aware of what you want.” I think awareness is the key here. That leads to acknowledgement of the desire, but then you have to move to the next step and allow yourself to pursue it. You have to accept and embrace your desire, no matter how silly it seems, no matter how many people tell you its stupid or wrong or just tell you no. No matter how many times you are rejected and kicked to the ground, you have to get back up again. Your love for this thing that you want has to be strong enough to get you through that, and through all the practice you need to get to the level you want to reach.

Which brings us to a question… What do you do if you don’t have anything you want to do with that much energy, fire or passion? How do you move from simply wanting to do something to wanting it so badly you are pursuing it? You are broke, in the projects, and you want to learn to play the guitar. How do you move from, “I would like to learn to play the guitar” to “I don’t know how I am going to get one. I will steal one if I have to. But I will learn to play the guitar!” NOT that I encourage stealing, I use this as an example of how strong this has to be.

If you can’t think of a single thing that you feel compelled and drawn to, then I am right there with you, in the exact same boat. The closest I ever got was when I went to Clark College. The person in charge of the music hall – can’t recall the exact building name – but the place where music was taught and where the practice rooms were located – they let me, and any Clark College student, come in and practice, whether or not they were a music student, as long as a room was free. I came in and started to learn piano. I really came to enjoy this time. Even when I was tired between classes and my work study job, even when it was late, if I could get some time in there I did. I miss that. But I don’t think it was enough desire to drive me to learn the piano no matter what.

I can’t think of anything I wanted to be when I was a kid, and if I did have anything, I probably smothered and killed the desire. Murdered it by ignoring it and never acting on it. I suspect at one time I wanted to be a singer. I do remember singing to the radio, and I have a deep love for music. In fact when I was living in the RV with my parents my only private space was sitting there, on the sofa, earbuds in place, listening to music. It is how I relieve the pressure of anger. It allows me to cry, something that has become increasingly hard for me to do.

A life without a passionate desire for something is like living in a dingy gray cell, gray clouds outside – no birds, no sunshine, no joy. And as you locked yourself in there, only you can free yourself! That is probably the most accurate description of my life I can give. The only bright spot in it is the content I make for YouTube. That’s it. And I have realized I may have to set it aside and get a steady job, because it is time I get out on my own. I am not sure my YouTube creative work will survive that.

Worse for me is that I have a penchant for writing, but no desire or passion for it. How the fuck do you iron out that wrinkle? How can you be good at something and not want to do it at the same time? I dunno. I have no answers. But hopefully what I have written here will clarify things for you. If you are locked in your own dingy gray cell, the way out is to acknowledge and accept whatever it is that you want to do passionately enough that it will compel you, even drive you to practice it. If you have that you have a way out, and I am happy for you.

Please get out of your cell and make your art. Do whatever it is that is calling to you. The worlds needs you, it really does. Sometimes only stumbling on the creative result of someone else’s passion do we find our own. Hell I didn’t know I had any interest in dancing until I saw some of the Step Up movies! Now I wish I would meet some pretty dancer girl, learn some moves, maybe fall in love. That’s all you’re allowed in the Gray Cell. Dreams. Nothing real, nothing substantial.

Break out. And if you can find a way to break me out, please do.

How Do You Cultivate Desire?

So I am using the word cultivate here with the idea that this means to not only plant, fertilize and water the seed, but that one must also pull out weeds, dig out roots and break up the ground. To my mind this is the entire process of cultivation – the preparation for the area in which you will plant what you wish to cultivate, and the tending of it when you have planted it.

I am currently reading a very old book, older I think than even Napoleon Hill’s, “Think and Grow Rich.” This book is Wallace D. Wattles, “The Science of Getting Rich.” I have committed myself to this text, to studying it, believing it and applying it. Today I read something that troubled me. Wallace Wattles says, and I quote, “It is the things you do not really care about which require effort to fix your attention upon them.”

Mr. Wattles teaches that there is this stuff that is in and between everything, and in order to get something you want, you impress its image upon this stuff. In more modern language I would call this stuff energy. There is the energy itself, and the things in our world of which this energy has taken form. Instead of the phrase, “get what you want” I would probably use a word like Manifestation. But I have to say I like the down to earth way Mr. Wattles writes things.

In any case, in what I have referred to as ,”Manifestation Teachings” the process remains the same. There is something you want. You focus on it in your mind’s eye, seeing it as detailed as possible. Then you claim it, see it as already yours. You essentially detach from everything around you that shows you differently, as far as you are concerned it is already there.

To make this clearer… If you are living in a tiny, overpriced apartment and you want a nice 2 bedroom house in the country, even as you come home to your cramped apartment everyday, even as you wake up in it every day, you are thinking about this 2 bedroom house in the country. How it is laid out, what furniture you will put in each room. If you can throw in smells from your favorite flowers planted in a bed outside the front door you do that. You hear the birds singing. The more real you can visualize it, these teachings tell you the quicker this will come to you.

But what they have not mentioned, to my knowledge, is that if it requires a lot of effort to visualize this 2 bedroom house in the country, if you have to do as Napoleon Hill instructs and visualize it every day on rising and before you go to bed, well then you don’t really want it. You have an internal conflict, and until this is resolved, you will never manifest what you want.

That was one thing that threw me off in Mr. Hill’s teachings. I know from personal experience that trying to force something through, to make it happen, is actually working against the Universe. There is an effortless flow, and only when you are in that flow (you will know when you are) do things fall together, always for the best for all parties involved, always far better than you could have ever imagined. Trying to make it happen only keeps it from happening.

That does not mean there is no work to be done. Only that the work will also be a part of that effortless flow. When you are are WORKING at TRYING to manifest something, you will likely not get it, or it will be far less than you wanted. When you are WORKING TOWARDS manifesting something, just doing whatever work comes at you in the natural flow of the process, then you will get it, and likely it will be far better or more than you wanted. Usually it will show up in an unexpected way.

That is my understanding of the process. But I have not been able to get it to work for me. Now with what Mr. Wattles is teaching, I think I know why. It is really as simple as I don’t want it as much as I think I do, or think I should. This also leads me to seeing that there can be opposing desires.

For example I want to have my own house, but typically I tend to call it my own space. At the same time I do not want to be alone. I remember that year I had my own apartment and I was miserable. I am either afraid of being alone or simply strongly desire to not be alone. This is what makes it so hard for me to manifest my own house. In fact, when I have attempted to do this, I was always thinking somewhere in the back of my mind of having my parents in their own house close by.

Ultimately this means I do not really want my own house, not if I will be alone in it. But I have to stand on my own two feet, live my own life, and let my parents live theirs. Also, the best way I could ever help them (if I really wanted to help them and I think I do) is to be independent of them, supporting myself. If I have enough income and money that I could buy my own house, that means I would be better able to take care of them.

So now I come to an impasse… I feel I need to stand on my own. At some level I really do want my own house, where I could live as I please, maybe start a family. But I do not want to be alone, out of fear or just not wanting it I do not know. Here then is my question… How do I release my feelings of not wanting to be alone, or even being afraid of being alone? How do I let that go? Also, how do I want my own house so strongly that it is effortless for me to dwell on it, imagine myself living there, visualize every detail? In other words, how do I strengthen my desire for independence and having my own house?

If you have any thoughts on this, please comment below. I do appreciate your feedback. Hoping to find a solution here. Also hoping these words help you. If you have been trying, and failing, to get something you want, ask yourself if you really want it that badly, and if there are any conflicting desires getting between you and it.

The Sad Truth About Art

Apparently there seems this ideal, prevalent among artists, of some space or time where they could safely pursue their creativity. Melville called, “The Calm” or something like that. Well there is a problem with this, that I shall demonstrate simply with these words, “With no sand, the oyster makes no pearl.

According to my understanding, a pearl is made inside an oyster when a grain of sand gets in, causing the pearl to secrete a substance around it, which over time (I have no idea how long) becomes a pearl. I assume the more time it spends in the oyster, and the older the oyster gets, the more beautiful the pearl.

There is one rule relevant to the artist, and I advise you write this down: “Art does not exist in a vacuum.” In other words, the irritants in the world and, more specifically, in your life, are those things that, when worked over and smoothed through art, become the masterpieces all artists secretly long to create.

Also there is no perfect way, technology currently notwithstanding, to draw from your head the exact, beautiful ideal you have in your mind. All you can do is tease it out as best you can, and you have to try, or it will come to life, take a few breaths, then die right there inside your noggin’.

So toss out both of these foolish ideals. There is no artist’s heaven in our sometimes heavily censored and materialistic modern society. Even though wonderful things like Netflix and YouTube exist because of artists, how the world works is generally without acknowledgement or appreciation of our work. Why do you think you encounter so many wonderful musicians along the sidewalks, standing or sitting as they preform with an opened instrument case or upturned hat close by?

So stop looking for that perfect space in which to create – even if you were to find it no creativity would be possible inside it. Likewise quit seeking to support yourself with your creativity. It is antithetical to all muses to be the provider in the relationship. That, unfortunately, is your job! But be thankful, because your annoying boss or coworker are just more grist for the mill. Turn everything you dislike or outright hate into a beautiful pearl!

I am not just writing this advise for you. I am writing it for myself also. I have struggled with writing, specifically having no interest in being a “professional writer”, despite my gifted understanding and use of the English language. In other words, I am a Poet and a Writer, but I would rather play video games and make content for YouTube.

Also I hate the “daily grind”, even the idea of it, even more passionately than most. But it has become clear to me that it is time to embrace this unwanted part of myself, and in order to pursue writing in any form, I will have to find a way to earn some money to clothe and feed myself. That is just how it is. I can wish all I want that it would be different or easier. But, as they say, “It Is What It Is.

Embrace the irritants, the negativity and the struggle. Acknowledge it, come to terms with it, make peace with it, accept it. Don’t try to spit the particle of sand out, or you will never make a beautiful pearl! Work it in your mind, secrete your secret desires and longings around it. Express yourself in whatever creative medium that most draws you. Create and transform all your undesirable experiences or situations into beautiful works of art. You can do it, I know you can.

Believe in yourself.

The Biggest and Hardest Realization Yet

OK folks, this post is gonna be rough. For me, as I am barely able to concentrate, focus or think. Experiencing coughing and light-headedness. For you as the subject will likely be just as hard for you to work through as it has been and still is for me.

To start, get you a copy of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money”

I found this book on the shelf at my local library. Chances are yours will have it too. It is well worth the read. Now I am going to paraphrase a lot here, but essentially I cracked this open, began to read, put it down, and just last night picked it up again. I came face-to-face with Mr. Cease instructing me to imagine myself in a situation with no support, no money, everything I have gone. I realized a couple of things after reading these few pages (34-39).

I am EXTREMELY and SERIOUSLY attached to abundance, to acquiring it and attaining it, especially in the form of money. I am also EXTREMELY and POWERFULLY averse to experiencing any kind of reality without this, to the point that I would rather be dead than continue to live as I have. I have often said that I NEED or WANT a, “life worth living” or I would rather be dead. I don’t feel that my current life is one I want to continue to live. But it is all based on or built around having abundance, which I see primarily as money.

Somehow, despite going through Susan Jeffers, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” and a variety of Buddhist teachings of, “No Attachment, No Aversion”, learning to feel what I feel then release it and let it go, learning to not be attached to outcomes and do my best to embrace everything fully, DESPITE ALL THIS I realized last night that I was attached to money and averse to not having it. End of story. This pattern, or belief, or whatever the hell it is has been operating there, outside my awareness, all this time, through all these experiences and things I have learned. I was blind to it. I see it now. I am staring right at the little fucker!

Somehow a number of things have become twisted in me, to where if i had the experience again I had when I went to California, only this time sans everything including support – just having the clothes on my back – that is the worst fate I could imagine for myself. Being homeless. Searching for doorways to sleep under or benches to sleep on. That to me is a fate worse than death. In fact, in my mind, death would be preferable.

But why would such a fate be necessary, or even possible? I have been told again and again, through dozens of different teachers, from all corners of philosophy, religion and spirituality, that the Universe by nature is abundant. All are provided for, they have only to open and receive that abundance. No bird lacks a place to build their nest! In fact, a state of not having one’s needs met is artificial, man-created. It is man that has created any sort of wealth hierarchy, and the idea of wealth to boot. Money is a man-made invention, as is the society in which it is used. Birds do not pay rent! In other words, the natural state of all life forms in the Universe is abundance. Scarcity is an invention.

I know this, intellectually, and I have even experienced it a little first-hand. Yet I forgot this. Just let it slip my mind. I do not know when this attachment to money, and aversion to not having it, first took root in me. I look back, and I see myself standing outside the little community church I used to attend with my parents. I was hanging out with Andrew and Tim – friends of mine. I was in my teens. The brothers could get a little rough, my shirt was pulled or something, and I got super angry. I can trace the roots back at least that far. No reason for a young man to be obsessed with clothing unless he is afraid of scarcity, and below that, attached to money and averse to not having it at some level.

However far back it goes – likely adopted from my parents – it is time to free myself of it now. I see clearly that it has even infected my work at YouTube. I have been obsessed with likes, views and subscriptions. Why? So I could monetize my channel. But the energy folks – the energy is what it is all about. No matter how scientifically minded you might be, to where this idea of energy seems like some New Age pseudo-science garbage, it doesn’t change the fact that the energy we put into something has a definite affect on the outcome we experience when we share it.

In simple terms, I put up these videos with an desperate, grasping, greedy energy of trying to get likes, subscriptions and views. That energy is the opposite of, and therefore repels, any abundant, loving and supportive energy. To make it even simpler… The energy I have put into the videos I have uploaded so far is the opposite of the things I want from from these videos. It in fact pushes away the things I was hoping to get, that I want or even feel I need, from these videos.

You want scientific proof? I can give it to you. Bdubs, Grian – any and every currently and still successful YouTuber have one thing in common. Go back to when they first uploaded content. There was never a mention of becoming a YouTube star. No constant attempts to get likes, subscriptions and views. All of them – EVERY SINGLE ONE – are just enjoying themselves and sharing that with the world. I don’t think you could find a single exception. I have been watching these guys for weeks now, how they started out, trying to figure out what the secret is, and it has been staring me in the face the whole time. Until last night I was incapable of seeing it.

What I have learned is that if I want to become a successful YouTuber I have to stop trying to become a successful YouTuber. I have to stop creating content with the energy of, “I want” behind it. I know if I were to try to cook something with that same energy it would be nowhere near as good as when I cook things JUST FOR THE LOVE OF COOKING, AND SHARING IT WITH LOVED ONES! The energy you put into a thing affects its outcome. You can call that a Universal Law.

If I want to be successful at YouTube, I have to let that go, first thing, as well as my attachment to money and aversion to not having it. Then I just need to record videos for the joy of it, the pleasure I get from that, or editing them, or both, and the desire to share what I am enjoying with others. Any other motivation is guaranteed to fail. That’s just the way it is.

The content you enjoy online the most is stuff the folks are doing because they enjoy it, they love it, and they just want to share their enjoyment of it and love for it with you. If you can find any examples that prove me wrong comment below with a link. But I think I am seeing it clearly.

This even ties in with flow VS force, another thing I have learned intellectually and actually experienced. I have been using too much force trying to make things happen in my life that I want. Affirmations to reprogram me for abundance. Creating content for YouTube in the hopes of striking it big. I am sure I have encountered resistance, and instead of allowing myself to be aware of it I pushed through. I can’t even clearly see any instances of it now. But if I were to think about it, I am sure I would find some.

Off the top of my head, the fact I struggled so hard to edit a video last week. It was just really hard, and I am fairly certain that this was resistance. Had I been aware and in the right mindset I would have stopped and addressed it. It wasn’t flowing for me to edit that video. It goes behind creative resistance that may come in the form of Writer’s Block. Or maybe that is what Writer’s Block really is. It is a warning sign that you are trying to push through when you need to stop, course correct, and find another route. I will have to think on this.

The question is can I apply, and keep applying, what I have learned here, all I have realized, and change the energy with which I have been creating content for YouTube, and to a greater extent, with which I have been living my life? The energy I have been applying to my experience of life as a whole? Because until I change it, my experience of life will not change, and I will continue to fail at YouTube, or any creative endeavor for that matter.

I leave this post as a record and a reminder. I have work to do…

09-08-2021 – Yes, I Am Still Here

I was working at doing one post every weekend. But a variety of things have conspired to cause me to break that habit, and I am not sure, considering my current experience, if I can re-establish it.

So the long and short of it is I was on vacation in the middle of August, I have been prioritizing making content at YouTube, and I have been trying to help my mom with her stuff. Then I had to help my dad, because he found he just didn’t have the energy to do his work.

Come to find out the lady we are staying with had tested positive for COVID, and after what must be the American equivalent of a Russian lad wrestling a bear, I got my parents set up to be tested, and my dad tested positive. My mom tested negative but has since been showing symptoms, and now I am.

So yeah, this wonderful feeling of dizziness, not having any energy, light headed, occasional coughing, vice grips on my skull constantly squeezing – you know the rub. I figured I better come in here and update you while I still am able to do some work today.

Appreciate your prayers if you are a religious type, and your healing energy if you are a spiritual type. I might try to do another post this weekend – we will see.

I hope you and your loved ones are well, and that you can escape this – and the whole vaccine fiasco. BTW, BOTH my parents were fully vaccinated. So if your government tells you that the vaccine will prevent COVID – that’s utter bullshit. If they try to sell you that it makes it easier to go through – that’s also utter bullshit. A vaccine is to vaccinate you against something. It is not to make it easier to get through it. The American government at least has some sort of agenda here. I am not vaccinated, and now definitely see no reason to subject myself to it.