6-10-2021 – Failing, But Still Trying

I am sorry, but I am failing to get at least one blog post out a week. I made this commitment at least to myself, if I didn’t mention it here, but I can honestly say I do not recall if I did. Still the intention remains, and I am here now, writing. Not sure what exactly I want to write about. All I know is I want to write. So here I am.

I suppose some updates are needed. I started a GoFundMe for my parents, at the advice of one of the people living here with us: https://www.gofundme.com/f/please-help-my-parents-michael-joan-buy-a-home

I have also gone in another direction with Patreon, but feel it is not enough.. It irks me, because to be an artist’s Patron means that you support them as they work on their art. The artist is not expected to offer incentives for this. But that is precisely what Patreon expects. Or at least in my perception it is. I should be able to offer a $5 or $10 single tier that is just providing support for my work, and expect to receive support. I shouldn’t have to offer anything. But, as far as I can tell, this is not how it works.

When Patreon works it works EXTREMELY well. I know one user, doing shaders for Minecraft, who is getting $50,000 a month. A MONTH. And they haven’t even done anything since December 2020! To me it looks like if you have something you are doing that people are interested in, or that they want, or even if you have an established thing you have been providing people with, THEN you will succeed at Patreon. If you have a large YouTube following, that is the thing you have been providing people with. Your content. You will succeed as well. I think 50K is not the average, but I do believe that average is 10K a month.

So if you are someone who has a lot of YouTube followers, or who has been making content for a game for a long time that is heavily downloaded, then you will do very well at Patreon. Start a campaign and don’t miss out in this opportunity. If you don’t already have a Patreon, or some equivalent, get one.

All this to say I am failing, but still trying. Failing to get anywhere at YouTube, still making content. Failing to write consistently here, still trying. What’s funny is I have an audience here. But it is a 99.9% silent one. I know people are following me, coming to my articles, maybe even reading them. If I had the same amount of activity at YouTube I would be able to monetize my channel. If I had the same amount of activity at Patreon, with people actually subscribing, I would be earning enough a month to stand on my own AND help my parents. I guess interest at WordPress doesn’t translate into energy I could plug into one of my many needs. But that is OK.

You see I never started this blog to make money with it. Never had the intention of monetizing this blog. Hated to bring up Patreon when I finally did, but had to because I needed support. I needed to find some way to being in money, and had to try every avenue open to me. I still don’t want to monetize this blog. I might publish it someday independently. But that’s it. I just started writing here because I needed the outlet to express myself. Also I wanted to share some of my poetry.

In just a few weeks I do not know what my situation will be. My parents and I still have not found a place to rent. Or rather we have found a lot of places to rent, and my dad has been trying to get someone on the phone, but nobody is returning his calls. It is a very unprofessional area over here, as far as I can tell. I mean our current landlord, I am ashamed to say who shares my first name, is raising the rent during COVID. Yes, we are coming out of it. But you don’t raise the rent on a house infested with carpenter ants, a falling apart exterior and bad wiring, to $3500 a month, during a time when everyone’s wallet is tighter than… Tighter than… OK, no publicly acceptable analogies here. But you get my point.

It doesn’t look good. I am trying to help my dad find a place, but yet again I am failing, yet still trying. Either some people are just destined to succeed. They work no harder than me, yet are rewarded better. Or I am doing something incorrectly. I am trying to fix this machine called success with no instructions, no manual, only my gut, heart and intuition to guide me. Others around me have theirs up an humming. I can’rt even get mine to start. Could anyone blame me if I just gave up? Honestly?

That’s it for now. I will TRY to see you again next week. Or earlier. Ya’ll are due some poetry. Enough of the doom and gloom. That stuffs supposed to go my OTHER blog.

Our Mindsets Are Our Greatest Obstacles To Our Abundance

In a little over a month my parents and I will be homeless. Today I learned that one of the families staying here has found a place. I celebrated this, and shared it with my dad. I thought it would encourage him. I mean, if they could find a place, so can we. But he is stuck in a mindset that you have to have money to buy a house. The fact that this couple had money enough to purchase this place seems to confirm that for him. He has no money set aside. I tell him about Downpayment Assistance, but it is like he doesn’t hear me. He usually starts in with his other mind-rut – his credit history.

As we travel around the area I see houses being built. I see subdevelopments that are filled with occupied houses. And I know that statistically speaking, not all of these people had money enough for a down payment. I know of one man who is renting a place, without a job, without any known income, and with a drinking/substance abuse problem. HE has a roof over his head. I point this out to my dad, but it goes right OVER his head. If it isn’t the chestnut, the same old saw, of this man having money from the sale of a house its this man has better credit.

It occurs to me that the people all around us are in a variety of monetary situations. Some have no money at all and no employment. But some of those folk are living happily in their own houses, while others from this same group are living in a homeless camp somewhere. On the other side of the coin there are those with plenty of money and/or a good paying job, who are living on the side of the road, even as some of that same group are enjoying nice new houses. The only thing separating these people is their mindset – the set of their minds. What they allow themselves to have and what they believe they deserve. That’s it.

I honestly don’t think money plays as big a role in getting a house as we are generally programmed from childhood to believe. There are people living in penthouses in New York who do little if any work, and it isn’t because they have a trust fund or come from money. Just as their are artists, dancers and singers working two jobs as they try to get their foot in the door. I am certain that as long as my dad doesn’t honestly and truly believe that he deserves a house, as long as he doesn’t allow himself to have one at any level in his mind, he will not be able to get a house. His fate, and by proxy, mine, is sealed, were I to cast my lot in with his.

I can’t do that anymore. I honestly believe I deserve my own house, my own space. I have worked hard all my life, and if that was any real metric whereby eligibility were granted, the scales would have to be tipped in my favor. I also want one, and am doing my damn best to allow myself to have one. Even without any income – only the future possibility of becoming a well-paid YouTuber, the goal I am working towards right now. The problem is I am infected by the same mind-virus, the same meme, as my father. I contracted the fucking thing from him. I caught myself later in the day, just a little earlier this evening, thinking about how I lost a subscriber at YouTube and doubting that I will ever make it as a YouTuber.

I realized it then and I see it very clearly now that as long as I do not allow myself to “have” success at YouTube, as long as a doubt myself and do not feel I deserve it, or am worthy of it, I will never have it. Ever. I am doomed to fail – in fact I failed before I even got started! I was advised to start a GoFundMe for my folks. Try to raise money to get them a house. I see now that it is useless for me to do so if I continue to think, basically that, “well I can put it up but I don’t think it will do any good.” If I put it up with that mindset, that belief, it will not succeed. That’s all there is to it. I am sabotaging myself and my parents.

I won’t belabor this but to put it bluntly I don’t think I will survive this. I have been fighting this bullshit for a long time now. I can’t seem to get out on the other side. I can’t seem to cure myself of this disease, free myself from this thing that both holds me down and keeps me back. But there is one thing I can do, maybe the only thing of any value I have ever done, and that is to warn you. Buying into the beliefs that were programmed into you since childhood by your authority figures, parents and religion is a dead-end road. You are marching a straight and narrow road from the cradle to the grave. You will have been born only to live a miserable life and then die. It doesn’t have to be that way, but must be as long as you believe it.

Now this may not be a belief you are consciously aware of. How often have you listened to the things you tell yourself? I mean REALLY LISTENED? Is your self-talk supportive or not? Friend or foe or frenemy (foe in disguise.) Are you allowing yourself to do the things you care about or have a passion for? Are you of the mindset that there is only so much to go around and you have to get yours before someone else does, or do you believe in an abundant universe? What are you allowing yourself to experience and to have? A house? A happy marriage? Work that speaks to you or that you can at least tolerate? Do you have money enough to live the kind of life you want to have? How do you feel when you look at something you want and say, “I now allow myself to have this, or something like it.” What kind of people have you surrounded yourself with? If you express some risk you want to take, do they support you or try to stop you?

Don’t wait until it is too late, until those old mindsets, those old habitual patterns, are so deeply engraved that you just can’t find a way out. Break free, rock the boat, shake yourself loose. Stop following everyone single-file to the cemetery. Stop doing what others tell you, stop doing what others want you to do, stop living for others. I have said it before that if you do not fill your cup, you will have nothing to give anyone else. You gotta find your path, and you will know when you are on it, because your old beliefs, your old ways of thinking, will just fall away. You will find real and lasting happiness there. Your life is not something meant to be endured. It is meant to be enjoyed. You are here to experience life and all the Universe has to offer joyfully. Open yourself up to that idea.

The only thing standing between you and something you want are your beliefs and mindset – the habitual way you think. Change your mind and you change your life. Different ways of thinking open up different experiences and options. What are you allowing yourself to experience and to have? Is it what you really want, deep down inside? Take a moment and listen to what that still small voice inside is whispering. The sooner you get started, the easier it will be to choose a way of thinking that supports you and opens you up to new possibilities. You know what happens when you stay entrenched? Literally in a trench? You will either starve to death or you get taken out by enemy fire. Nobody who has ever stayed in a trench, never leaving, has survived.

I fucked up. I tried and quit piano, though I enjoyed it. I tried and quit singing, even though deep inside I want to sing, I want to free my voice without fear or shame. I tried drawing, and despite the fact I have proof I can draw, I still don’t consider myself to be any good at it. I tried mapping for games I enjoyed playing, and quit when I compared my work to others and came up short. I tried programming and couldn’t stick with it. I keep picking up writing and dropping it again. I start a story and quit a couple of chapters in. I tried to meet someone to share my life with, and have long since given up. In fact I went through my entire time at college without really socializing at all – or even trying. I am running hell-bent at YouTube because it is my last hope, and I think it actually might be.

DO NOT follow my example! DO BETTER! Your happiness, your life, literally depends on it!

4-26-2021 – Today I Learned I Need To Treat Confrontation Like A Loaded Gun

Some events have occurred, things were said, or rather texted, and now I am facing a difficult situation. As I was walking the dog tonight I realized a few things. The things I am feeling in the aftermath of this experience are the very same feelings I have felt in a variety of what I would call negative experiences throughout my life. In other words, I find I am repeating this over and over again, and that points to a deeply held belief. Maybe even a trauma. Something buried and ingrained deep within me. It is up to be to extricate it.

The other thing that became very clear to me is that I have to treat this ability I have to confront people like a loaded gun. I really do. It should only be used in the defense of the lives of either myself or other people, and only after extensive training. I should be as well trained in the use of confrontation as a police officer is charged to be with their weapons. When I am not using confrontation, it should be locked away, like a loaded gun. I need to practice confrontation safety. If I ever take confrontation out of its safe, it must be secured in a holster, and it must remain there until it is time to use it. Like some police officers with their gun, I am beginning to think that there will never be a situation in which I would need to draw confrontation from its holster.

I have committed tonight that I will no longer judge people, or assume anything. My mantra now is, “If I don’t have all the facts, I know nothing, if I know nothing, I assume nothing.” I think between holstering or locking up confrontation and no longer judging or making assumptions I will avoid any situations like this in the future. Because I never want to feel these feelings again. I hate them. I hate feeling this way. Honestly I hate myself. Or I am just really, really disappointed in myself. I know I failed, but I feel like a failure. The tough part is that the primary feelings wrapped up in this feeling experience are that an injustice has been done, mixed with a slow burning righteous anger. I stand in the aftermath of this experience, knowing that I have been wronged, that my punished is undeserved and honestly, unmerited. Maybe I said things that people didn’t like. But I didn’t hurt anyone, and at least part of what I said needed to be said.

Silence IS consent. If I had said nothing, I would not be having any issues right now, but lives would literally be at risk. I spoke up because I thought someone had to. I wasn’t aware that the situation was being handled. I would have preferred to keep my hands off it entirely. Ultimately it is not my responsibility. Only an idiot takes up responsibility that they don’t own. It is hard enough just being responsible for ourselves. To put it bluntly and briefly, one of the people who lives at this house where I live has been tested positive for COVID. We have no idea how long she had been sick before she got tested and told us. A couple of days ago she left to go downtown, just a few days into her quarantine. She was coming back as I was leaving to help my dad at work. She was not wearing a mask. She had driven out to get fast food. I told her mom, and that is where I should have left it. But her mother’s reply didn’t come off, to me, as taking it seriously enough.

I find out after the fact that this person’s mother had taken some precautions, and set things up so that her daughter would not have to come downstairs while in self-isolation. I had spoken to the daughter, telling her that she should not be going out as long as she tested positive for COVID. I found out that her mother had already spoken to her. I shouldn’t have said anything. I only spoke to the daughter because I was not aware that she had been spoken to by her mother. I thought nobody was doing anything. Because her daughter went out, AGAIN, and was out of quarantine for several house. That’s the gist of it, there is a lot more and the texts I sent her mom, as well as her mom’s reply. I will not go any further into this. But that is why I said what I said. Because, to my mind, if COVID is going to spread and kill people, it will be because of the actions of individuals like this woman’s daughter, self-centeredly going into town when they should be staying locked up at home.

I leave this as a public commitment and record. I have holstered and locked away confrontation. I never want to be like my parents, who rarely speak up for themselves and are always concerned how others feel. I never want to be like my brother, complaining about things to one person trying to bring them to his side when that same person is friends with the person he is complaining about. But I also no longer wish to judge or assume anything. Maybe this was how my parents and my brother once were, or maybe this is how I perceive them to be. But unless I could say definitively one way or that other that this is the way they are, I need to keep my assumptions and judgments to myself, as I do not have all the facts. I might still need to stand up for myself, but that is a little different than using confrontation. Because the intention, the mindset, is different.

Now I have to deal with the fallout. I have to make sure I do not cause any additional disharmony. Some will be inevitable. What I have been ordered to do is not something I can do, for numerous reasons. But while I live here I have placed myself under my parent’s authority, and I will follow their instructions, or leave the house entirely. I am not sure which course of action I will take. I have nowhere to go and am now waiting for my test results. Because if they are positive I will have to self-isolate and stay here until they clear. But it is time. It has been time for a long time. Time for me to find a way to stand on my own, to walk my own path, and I have committed to this tonight as well. From this point forward, I must walk my own path, to whatever cursed terrain it takes me.

I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the short end of the stick, I hate coming up short. I hate that other people seem to effortlessly interact with others while I struggle. I feel like there is something irreconcilably wrong with me. As if I had received bad or incomplete instructions after stepping off the factory line. I don’t fit and I never have. I don’t even know if there is a place in this world for me. I feel like a fraud, having all these awesome insights that will likely change people’s lives, if they don’t at the very least expand their horizons a little. Yet I can’t seem to get this whole life thing right. There is nothing more terrible that knowing how things should be, yet being unable to make the needed adjustments or fixes to make them that way.

I really am on the outside.

4-12-2021 – What The Hell Am I Doing with My Life???

I appear to have forgotten my commitment to writing at least one blog entry a week. Well here is this weekend’s entry, just a day late. Really struggling right now. I am NOT enjoying the cold weather we have been having! I am also NOT enjoying the constant annoyance of taking care of my parent’s elder dog! My complete dislike, even unhappiness, with my present moment experience is mixed with a couple of things… Worry about the future, certain thoughts I though I was done with, and this underlying old belief I have not been able to shake that I am not enough.

I caught it this time though, as I talked out loud while trying to get the damn dog to go poop. I said all these initial things, and that lead to this idea I am not enough. It started with the question of what I am doing with my life. The realization, or at least clarifying the thought, that I want to do more with it. And that lead to the underlying belief that I am not enough.

I was thinking about how even in an ideal solution, with my parents and I in our own places – me in my house or area and they in theirs – that even though I would have the space to exercise, where I would exercise, that I would be close to town, where I would get a job, and that I would also continue my writing and work at YouTube. Still, I would essentially be at the same dead-end I am at now. Doing nothing with my life.

But then I asked myself, what constitutes actually doing something with your life? My dad moved out, got a job, got married, had then raised my brother and I, then retired. But really what has he done with his life? Likely he will work until he can’t work anymore. He has no future plans – no more than I do.

I know I want to stand on my own, and that I want to travel the world. But how I am to go about accomplishing these things is beyond me. I suppose if I could at least find a way to stand on my own and support myself, as well as any family I have, that this would be a worthy enough goal. Perhaps my dad feels the same way.

I wish I knew exactly WHAT to do! What steps to take, what direction to point – SOMETHING. I am feeling very discouraged, frustrated, a little angry and super tired of everything.

Criticizing and Judging VS Acceptance and Allowing

So I have taken up typing again in an attempt to learn a new keyboard. In an effort to diagnose any issues with my connectivity, I wanted to take a moment and write something here.

I was taking care of the dog, and I caught myself in the act of criticizing and judging. I realized that there is no difference between me and another person who lives here. She is overtly critical and judgmental, I am covertly that way. I realized the reason this person is in my life is because that is the frequency or vibration I have been operating at. I have been critical and judgmental, just not aware of it, not really. Maybe there have been previous moments of lucidity, of awareness. But maybe this was the first time I had become truly aware of my hidden (from conscious awareness) critical and judgmental nature.

The reason these people are in my life is because of the way I am, and even going over this is more criticism and judgment, towards them and myself. Then I realized something else, what criticism and judgment actually is. It is a “pushing away from.” It is a way to distance, segregate, and separate. But when we do that, we are not accepting or allowing. We can not accept ourselves if we are constantly criticizing and judging ourselves,. We are not accepting others if we are criticizing and judging them. To accept someone is the opposite of criticizing or judging them.

Now think how this applies to other areas of your life. In what other areas are you criticizing and judging? Money perhaps? Do you have criticisms towards money, or judgments about it? If you do, then you are not accepting money, and if you are not accepting money, you are not allowing it into your life. The energy of it is blocked for you, so the physical form (currency) is not showing up. At least not like you want it to. You are working very hard to get something that you are pushing away! Any hunter will tell you that chasing after your prey will all but assure you will never catch it.

So how do we stop criticizing and judging? Simple. We become aware that we are doing it. We can practice being aware of when we are about to criticize or judge, and with practice, we can choose not to criticize or judge. What we need to do is not that complicated. But even though it is simple, it remains very difficult, because your egoic self will try very hard to lull you back into autopilot so it can retain control. You have been sleeping at the wheel for a long time, and your ego has been driving your life. Is your life something you are happy with? I know mine isn’t. So I want to start taking the wheel and see where it will end up if I am driving. But this takes one more thing, and that is being present.

So yes, you will have to find a way to practice being present. You can’t sharpen your awareness and weaken the ego’s grasp without it. The ego’s power comes from you staying asleep, always dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. BTW, this is why all “manifestation teachings” instruct that you don’t worry about the how. That is just a form of worrying about the future, meaning that you are identified with the ego and under its power. As long as you are under the sway of the ego, your natural state of abundance remains blocked.

It is only in the present moment is the ego’s power weakened, and you have a chance to regain control. A typical form of practicing presence is known as meditation. I know you have heard of that by now. But ANYTHING you can do, where you can focus on your body, whatever it is doing, whatever position it is in, whatever breathing is occurring – if you can do something and just tune in, that can become a away to practice presence and sharpen your awareness. You could do this while washing dishes. Or writing. Or a myriad of other task you may do throughout your day.

If you are struggling to manifest money, this may be the one thing holding you back. Discover your real feelings and thoughts towards money. Free write or stream of consciousness write about it. No editing, no holding back. Get real with yourself. If you see anything there that is not simple acceptance and allowing, you are closed in those areas, in those ways, to money, and the only way to bring money into your experience is to open up. As I have said before, every flower opens in faith that the bee will come. It is only in opening that a flower can receive. It is also in only in opening that the flower can share its beauty with the world.

The sun is shining.

It is time to open.

3-29-2021 – Putting On My Glasses

Sometimes I just don’t have a title for an entry. This is one of those times. I figure a title will become apparent as I write. That’s how it usually works. Just a little peek inside this particular writer’s process, for those curious.

Today I sat down and thought about what I really wanted to do, in this case regarding Morrowind, OpenMW and the Construction Set (Morrowind’s Editor.) Last night I watched a video where my house mod, Amaya Lodge, was mentioned again. It made me want to return to Morrowind. Something there feels incomplete, unfinished, or maybe just unrealized?

I was having an extra hard time seeing the screen, and everything seemed so blurry. Some years back I did get prescription eyeglasses, but I have hardly have ever worn them. I donned them this afternoon, and everything became a lot clearer. But it also makes me a lot more depressed. I have to face it that I am getting older, and that my eyes just aren’t as good as they once were. Hell a lot of things are no longer as good as they once were!

I am 45 years old and going nowhere. The absolute best thing I have ever created or made is this house mod, and one other mod, for Morrowind, a game that peaked nearly 20 years ago, maybe a little less. This house mod, Amaya Lodge, and my other mod, Valenwood, are the only things I have done, that I can think of at the moment, that anyone cares about. Maybe some of my writing here has touched someone, and some of the words I have written here are treasured by someone out there, but I do not know it, I have not received any confirmation that this might be the case.

I have to face that I have been working at things for 20 years, and I have nothing to show for it. An once again I am faced with the fact that something I determined I would never do I have done. In this case, I determined that I would not work for 30 years somewhere and retire with nothing to show for it, like my dad. Well here I am, already 20 years on that path!

I am just going to have to face certain facts, certain realizations and things that have become more and more apparent to me. I am going to have to change quite a few things. I have to clean up the mess of my life to make room for a better one. I have to get clear on what I want to do, and be honest with myself about this. I have to figure this shit out, in other words. Because if I am still sitting here, 10 years from now, still having done nothing with my life, I would be better off dead.

I don’t need to be or do anything for others. I don’t need to get caught up in the doing itself and loose sight of the goal. I need to allow myself to be do and have whatever it is I want, and I have to embrace how I really feel. I have to work with my feelings, wherever they lead me. I have to find my own path and walk it, and I have to learn how to support myself while doing so. It seems as if designing in some capacity is one aspect of my life I need to integrate in some way, and writing is another. So that is what I will do.

As I now have to make putting on these glasses a habit, so the screen I am looking it resolves from a blurry mess into something legible, I have to “put on the glasses” in regards to the things in my life that have remained blurry, indistinct, out of focus. I have to bring these areas back into conscious awareness, and I have to deal with whatever has been hiding there in the corners.

But I have to admit, I am really feeling lost and discouraged about everything right now. I wish I had some reassurance that things would be OK, that they would work out. I wish I knew enough about what awaits me in the future so I could either course correct or run to it. No matter what we do, the future will always remain just out of reach. It will always be uncertain. It requires faith, trust and knowing that the Universe is guiding you in the right direction, and you have to allow the Universe to do so. But it is not easy, not at all.

I really hope I can figure this out…

The Ego, The Present Moment and Some Unexpected Revelations!

More and more I think Eckhart Tolle is right. I think there is definitely something good, a worthy practice or pursuit, in staying in the present moment. As I continue to plow through ACIM and learn about the intricacies of the ego, I am coming to understand some things, some past experiences.

I first “met” or encountered or even experienced Tolle I think back when I was living in my grandma’s attic. Man I really miss those days! There I was, all this space to myself, places where I could go outside and do yoga or meditate, and I never really appreciated it! I guess the fact that my mother and my grandmother were constantly arguing, and I felt like I had to play referee may have contributed to my not seeing the blessings I had been given. Also I was far away from town and other people – no social opportunities. But I had a bed, my own relatively warm room (warmer than the RV anyway!) and plenty of space and time to do something with my life. If I had been intelligent at all I would have started to be serious about YouTube, back in 2009, BEFORE all their restrictions and censorship. Who knows? Maybe if I had I would now have my own huge channel and thousands of subscribers, enough that I could relocate anywhere I like.

In any case, some folks were going to repair our bathroom and remove mold, so my grandmother’s insurance company moved us all out into hotels until everything was finished. While I enjoyed my time at the Staybridge, I read Tolle, Basho and Ryokan. That’s when I started to write these shorter, Haiku-like poems. It just fit me, felt right. In immersing myself in Tolle’s teachings, I found myself in that space where poetry flows effortlessly through me. It is the exact same space I am in when I am in the natural flow of my life instead of struggling against the current. One way you, the readers, know that I am not in the present moment, not in the flow, is that there are no new poems being shared here. The few I have shared these last few months were written last year, or during some brief time when I was in a happier state. When I am angry, depressed or suffering from cabin fever, like now, the stream of poetry finds no access through me, and I can no longer be a channel for it. Or anything of a loving or spiritual nature. I am sure you can see that from the things I have written these last few months.

I think I understand a few things about this now… It occurs to me that a truly enlightened person is permanently focused on the present moment. They have to be, and this is important because, the ego does not have any influence or power in the present moment. I am certain this is true. Nobody who is fully aware, fully present, gets caught up in other people’s BS. This must be how I was able to stay at my brother’s the last time I was there, and when he blew up, I did not engage. I was able to just walk away. I am sure I wrote about this here some years ago. When you are fully aware, fully present, fully IN your present moment experience, you are happier, you are more inspired, you are more loving and you are more of a conduit for true spiritual energy, that might manifest through you in the form of writing, or art, or some other creative endeavor. In other words, if you are blocked creatively, it seems to me the most effortless fix would be to find a way to get into the present moment. Meditate, accept your feelings about your art as they are, embracing them, feeling through them, then releasing them and letting them go. If you can get into the present moment, and practice staying there even for a few days, my guess is that the ability to create will come flowing back.

From what I can understand of ACIM, the ego is past-focused, and it uses the past as a reference for the future. But it NEVER, EVER dwells in the present moment. Someone in the sway of their ego will find themselves easily caught up in the ego BS of others around them. They are easily influenced by the actions of others. They experience anger, discontent, frustration, unhappiness, stress and a host of other negative emotions. Why is that? Lost a train of thought here, but will type in in faith and knowing the words will come if important…

Why is it that someone being driven or influenced by their ego is unable to experience more joyful, spiritual states? Simple… Because there is this idea (I guess it comes from the ego) that the present moment experience should be something other than what it is. It is that simple. It really is. If you are angry it is because you are in denial of how things are. You want things to be different, you believe and really feel they should be different. But reality doesn’t bend to your will like that. Actually, as long as you are angry and struggling against reality, you will continue to create a reality that seems to be fighting against you, that seems to be in some struggle with you. It’s that rowing against the current state. Caught up in your ego, you never realize, it never occurs to you, that you can simply accept reality as it is, get back into the current, and determine to create a better experience for yourself.

You see YOU create the current of your life! How’s that for mind-blowing? All the energy you have focused and invested in whatever or wherever you have focused or invested it over the years you have been alive has created a stream, a natural state, in which your life flows. The only way to change that flow is to place all your energy and focus in the new direction you wish to go. And you start RIGHT NOW, in this moment. Then you practice placing your energy and focus in this new direction, every day, until the new current is established. Then you flow in that direction. The current CURRENT you’re are in is very powerful. Or at least it seems to be very powerful, and in your perception it is very strong. You have put YEARS of energy and focus into it. So don’t expect overnight miracles. They can happen – “Anything Is Possible, All Possibilities Exist” (the author), but it is more likely you will have to continue to ride them as you slowly shift things and change their direction.

What does this entail? ACCEPTING THINGS AS THEY ARE, IN THIS MOMENT! Yup, that is what you have to do. The ego has likely influenced the current flow of your life, and that is why your life sucks big, giant hairy goat balls right now! The ego does not have your best interests at heart, only its own. It doesn’t care about you at all. In fact it hates you. That is essentially what ACIM says, and for all I know it is true. The good news is that each moment brings a chance for you to change where you put your energy and focus, an opportunity to begin the most likely (but not necessarily) slow, tedious process of creating a better present moment experience for yourself. But you always, ALWAYS, have to accept the present moment experience as it is. You made it after all! It is YOUR creation!

Teal swan has several videos on anger, and I forget now what she said to do. Something about asking yourself what needs are not being met? In any case, if you are angry, I would perhaps follow her advice, because if nothing else that causes you to pause. It is a good interrupt. You need an interrupt so you can become aware and initiate any change. The next thing I advise is asking yourself, what is it you are denying? What is it you are attempting to deny the reality of in this moment? What is it you feel should not have happened, or should be different? What is the “should story” running in the background here? You need the interrupt to get a chance to become aware of that “should story.” Once you have become aware of it, THEN you have to accept it.

That first step, BTW, I think of as ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, AKA, “It is what it is.” That leads, naturally to acceptance, because it is how it is. It will not change by you being angry at it. Actually, your anger will ensure you keep reliving that same state, over and over again. You will keep having that undesirable and unwanted present moment experience. ALL RESISTANCE EMPOWERS (gives power to) WHATEVER YOU ARE RESISTING! I am sure I have said this before, and that is what I mean. Your denial, your “should story”, is a form of resistance, and you resistance provides the power that creates, drives and perpetuates the experience making you angry. So you have to ACCEPT it, because it is there, you can’t deny it away.

Next you have to feel your way through it. This is where Susan Jeffers, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” comes in. You have to feel what you feel. You have to allow yourself to feel. You have to embrace these feelings, allow yourself to feel them as long as you need to feel them, then when you are ready, you have to release them and let them go. LETTING GO is another egoless state. LETTING GO is antithetical to the ego, just as acknowledgement and acceptance of things the way they are is. These things are directly opposite to the egoic state.

The ego wants to retain. It wants to be angry, it wants to hold grudges, it wants to hate, it wants to be bitter, it wants to be resentful. So it drives you, as long as you are under is influence, held in its sway, to be angry, bitter, hateful and resentful. If you think you are a religious or spiritual person, and yet you have any energy invested in, or focus invested on, any of these states, anything that is the opposite, at its root, to love, you are not truly religious or spiritual. Because a truly religious or spiritual state is one where the individual is influenced by love, not their ego, PERIOD. There are no exceptions!

Any investment in your identity as a religious or spiritual person – as Christian and part of the Christian group, or a Muslim and part of the Muslim group, or a Buddhist and part of the Buddhist group or even as a spiritual, not religious person (this is me) – this is a sure sign the ego is behind the wheel of your life. I am in the same boat as the rest of you in this. Anything we would make as part of identity, and invest all our energy and focus into who we believe, feel or think we are (BLM, LGBTQ – I am looking at you!) is sheer ego. And as long as our egos are in control, there will be war, there will be disease, death and destruction, because our egos hate us, and want to destroy us. It seems odd and counter-intuitive, because once we are dead, our ego is also dead. But our egos are insane. You can not apply logic to insanity. You can not apply reason to the unreasonable.

Your beliefs, religious, spiritual, scientific or anything else, your racial identity, your gender, your sexual preferences – all of this BS does not go with you when you die. Understand that. It all dies with your physical body and your ego. Who you really are is none of that shit. To get more in tune with who you really are, hold your beliefs loosely, let them go when they no longer serve you, and practice being in the present moment. Accept things as they are, and if you want a better present moment experience, invest the energy, effort and focus in the direction you wish to go. But always say in the flow, in a state of acknowledgement, acceptance, allowing then releasing and letting go. If you want to be happy, if you want to be effortlessly creative, that is the state you need to be in, If you want to experience true joy, that is the state you have to be in, and I suspect, that if you want to manifest desirable, wonderful things in your life, that is the state you have to be in. You have to let all the other BS go.

Somehow, someway, I am determined to change the current course of my life to one of abundance and joy. I will get out from under the influence of the ego and get into the present moment, with full awareness. And I will practice staying there, until it becomes the natural current of my life. And I will know I am in that state when all my creative endeavors flow effortlessly through me, just as they did when I dipped my toe into the waters of this experience all those years ago. I keep forgetting all the things I have learned. All the lessons I went through. It is not easy to create such a drastic change in one’s nature, ones state or natural way of being. Or at least it seems as if there is a lot that gets in between me and the intention to change. Thankfully this is a journey we can take together, we can support each other and help each other. Actually I have created a place for that here:

I think change seems difficult, seems hard, because so much energy and focus has created a current state that seems to resist change. The current is very strong, if it has been created while under the influence of our ego. We have invested a lot of energy and focus into our current life experience. But ACIM may be right, this may all be an illusion, “albeit a very strong, persistent one.” (Albert Einstein) The ego is just an illusion. It is not real. It’s like we put the VR glasses on, and now are struggling to take them off. But they can easily come off, allowing us to see things as they really are. We just have to raise up are arms and take them off. It seems harder than it really is. Maybe there is no current dragging us along at all, maybe the currents are just our beliefs, and when we let them go, we come to see that we are not being carried or driven anywhere. We can just start walking in whatever direction we choose. Maybe that’s how things really are. I don’t know, but I will apply and remember what I have learned, and shared with you here.

Here’s to making our experience of this world exactly what we want it to be!

More Cracks In Heaven

I was actually going to do a video on this, but the urge to wrte came on me, so here I am.

When I was a Christian, just before I renounced my faith, two things became apparent. Now, with the distance of some years since I renounced it, I can add a little more detail:
1. In order for a place of absolute perfection to exist, such as Heaven, there has to be its opposite, a place of absolute imperfection, AKA hell. Anyone that doesn’t “fit” with Heaven (is of other faiths or no faith) goes there. Heaven is only for the “chosen” – Christians.
2. If Heaven is such an ideal, perfect place – without sin – how did Lucifer and 1/3 of the angels sin and get cast to earth? If there is no sin in Heaven, where did this sin come from?

When the Christian belief system is put under scrutiny, when it is questioned, it falls apart. Yet such is the nature of a belief that most Christians make a part of their identity, they would literally die for what they believe. As it has become a part of their identity, any attack on their faith is, to a Christian, an attack on them, either personally, collectively or both.

I decided two things:
1. I wanted no part of a God who could cast others, who in every other way epitomized Christian values, except they were not a Christian (like Thich Nhat Hanh, who may just be one of our closest living saints) into hell.
2. I wanted no part of en eternity that is dead, stale and stagnant. In perfection there is no room for change, development, discovery, expansion, exploration, new experiences or surprises. It is all perfect sameness, all the time, forever. Sounds fucking boring to me!

So I renounced my faith, going through hell right here in earth trying to get past the fear of burning alive for all eternity, and now having to deal with knowing my parents are unhappy with my decision, worried about me. What a tar pit the Christian religion is! It uses fear to control its people, it disempowers believers by instructing them that they can only have things if it is God’s will, and they pass this disease, this infection, onto their children. Right along with other disempowering and limiting beliefs around money and “the things of this world”, meaning that many Christians will never be abundant,successful or wealthy.

I see it all so clearly now, standing outside here, looking in. But for those inside, this clarity is not accessible. The only way to see the truth is to get outside the bubble, and the only way to get outside the bubble is to stop being part of the collective inside it. In the case of Christianity, you have to renounce your faith. You have to stop being a Christian. Otherwise you will read something like this, and you will not understand it. Or you will get angry and wish to respond with an attack or a defense, both coming from feeling like you have been attacked. But I have not attacked you, and even if I did, it would have no effect on you. You will always be in your bubble, until you choose to leave it. Nobody can make you leave it. Nobody can attack the bubble and destroy it. The bubble remains, forever, until nobody believes in it anymore, and all have exited it. Nothing anyone can do can or ever will threaten it. Also, if anyone goes out to try to attack Christians or Christianity, they will quickly find that all attack only makes those they attack stronger, because in attack there is resistance, and resistance always makes that which is resisted stronger.

No, it is not my desire, prerogative or place to attack Christians or Christianity. I say what I say because of all I went through, both inside the bubble and out. Those experiences I have claimed as part of my identity. I went through a belief systems crash, a couple dark nights of the soul and a bunch of other shit. That’s the only reason I can sit here and type this. But I think about some things that sadden me. Years ago I knew a family of girls. The mother and father separated, the father leaving not long after I left. It was like they were stuck back at the turn of the century. All Christian music, typically children’s. They made their own dresses. The mother enforced those Christian values. They were obviously not well off.

I was really attracted to one of the girls, and sometimes fantasize about going back there, seeing if she is still around and unmarried, and sweeping her away from the situation she is in. Just a pipe dream. I have no idea if they are still there, or if they have moved. I have no idea if she is still alive. and they way her mom and the mother and father of my best friends when I was a Christian were doing things, she probably got dumped into an arranged marriage. Last I heard some loggers had shown interest. But she was originally arranged to be married to the younger of the two boys who were my best friends. Still, I think about this, and it just makes me sad. How many of the young women I had met when I went to CYIA, or a Bill Gothard training, or to church, are married off to someone they did not choose, stuck in a belief system handed down to them like their mother’s wedding dress, and seen as just as important. If I have learned nothing else, I have learned I will encourage free thinking, loosely held beliefs and a questioning attitude in my own children, should I ever be allowed to have any.

As part of the “spiritual, not religious” group (not a bubble, because you an freely come and go) you eventually learn about ACIM. A Course In Miracles. This is a channeled text, and supposedly, it is Jesus who is speaking through the channel. I treasure channeled texts! As a Christian, sure we could read about how the Holy Spirit came on someone and they started writing. No problem! But if anyone in the Christian bubble stated they had channeled Peter, or Paul, or Jesus and write a text, they would probably be murdered and their book would never see the light of day! For a people who are supposed to be loving, Christians are the most fearful and hateful people on the planet, second only maybe to fundamentalist radical Muslims. Catholics used to be the biggest assholes in this regard, but thankfully the burning witches and inquisition period has faded away.

Anyhow, it seems as if may of the writers I read and study, who are leading abundant, successful lives, have read ACIM. It somehow contributed to their finding abundance and success. And as I enjoy The Book of Emmanuel, the writings of Abraham, the writings and Seth and Ramtha, of course I had to read this. It is a VERY difficult text, let me warn you now! Really dense, even more so than Seth, and hard to understand. If you are anything like me things occasionally just slip away and can’t be grasped very well. But I have persisted, reading a section every day since last year. Unfortunately, I am finding myself more and more ready to put it down and never open it again. Because I have found another definition of Heaven I can’t stomach.

In ACIM Heaven is, essentially, God. God is everything, there is nothing else. Just that light, love and isness that is God. So there is no choice, no groups, no other place to go to. You have no choice but to, I guess the best way to put it is, merge with God upon physical death. Because that is your natural state. The issue I am having is that the text is now calling everything on earth “little”, and any desire for anything on earth “littleness.” Really? These trees I like to look at, meaningless? The stars, of no value? What about the astral planes and places like the Akashic records? As far as I can tell there is nothing in Heaven/God. It is just a changeless, timeless void. By void I mean empty, because Heaven/God is all that exists in that space, just as a vacuum is all that exists in a void, there is nothing else. Why in the hell would I want that?

Also, like the Christian’s Heaven, a few cracks have appeared:
1. If God is all there is and all I really want, as ACIM says, then why did I come to earth in the first place? If I had no choice but to be there, how did I get here?
2. If all we want is to be floating around in a changeless void of light and love for all eternity, how come physical existence exists? Why would we create anything else if we had all we wanted?
3. If the ACIM God is perfect, all there is, then why couldn’t He have created a better system of being on the earth, outside of the ego, which seems to be the system whereby we can be on the earth and have a physical experience? It is obvious that a better system than the ego is needed, so why doesn’t it exist? Couldn’t we have created a way to enjoy a physical experience and yet still retain our awareness of who we really are?

At least the ACIM model includes everyone! It’s like an endless Borg Cube, swallowing us all up in one giant collective for all eternity! Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? If you happen to have studied ACIM, maybe you can comment below and shed some light on this. Maybe I am not understanding things very well. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am missing things – as I said ACIM is very hard to read and grasp at times.

Do you know what I want for my afterlife? Simple. If you haven’t already, go and read the books by Robert Monroe – Journeys Out of Body and the others. He just details, as scientifically as possible, the things he experienced while out of his body. The things he speaks of, what he claims to have seen in the astral planes – that intrigues me. My ideal eternity is to explore it all. All the astral planes, all the physical realm without the need for a physical body. To visit places like the Akashic Records. And I would like to take my physical body with me when it is time for me to go. Just pack it up and bring it along – ascend. That way I can unpack it whenever I want. Apparently Ramtha has done this, and some Ascended Masters. Has any guru in India managed that I wonder? If you discard your flesh when you leave, as I understand it, you have to wait in line to come into physical existence and get another body. So it is best to take your flesh with you. In any case, that is what I want.

I like how Abraham says we came here for “joyous expansion.” In the Abraham teachings, we come into physical existence for certain desired experiences, and we put all the pieces into place before we come into this world. I like that. That makes sense. And Eckhart Tolle tells us to stay in the present moment. I know that when I was in my highest vibration (which, coincidentally, is when I write the most poetry) it was while reading his books and practicing that. So that makes sense too. That pretty much covers the physical aspect of life. But the after is still a big question mark.

I guess all I can do is continue to hold any beliefs I retain loosely, and to, as much as possible, not identify with them. Just not make them a part of my identity, the story of my life, who I am. Then move towards those concepts and ideas that empower me and make me feel good. Leave behind anything that disempowers me or makes me feel bad. Run fast and far away from anything that uses fear, but stand firm and face any fears I have to deal with. Allow myself to feel all I am feeling, and to release any feelings I am ready to let go. Seek those things that being me joy, follow the natural flow of my life and aim for abundance of all good things. Enjoy this world, see it as the gift I am sure it is. Enjoy every moment, while staying in it, and stop focusing in the past, which is dead and gone, living only in my memory, or the future, which is only exists in my imagination. Focus on what I want to have, look to the future only for that. Maybe this is not the best way to be. Maybe changes will need to be made. But I am willing to adapt, change, develop and grow, so I will. I love having new experiences, and I will just count any lessons I have to learn as a new experience, and remain enamored with the learning process.

I just wish that there was some way to know the real truth about what is waiting in the after. My current belief is that it will be whatever you believe it to be. So if that is true, for me it will be a place of absolute adventure and freedom. I can’t imagine anything better than that! What is the after for you?