We are all crowded here,
the gray rain…
The unyielding sky…
All jammed in
as the scenery and
time passes by.
We think we know
when this journey ends,
We know less of that,
Than when it begins.
We are all crowded here,
the gray rain…
The unyielding sky…
All jammed in
as the scenery and
time passes by.
We think we know
when this journey ends,
We know less of that,
Than when it begins.
He stares fixedly
beyond the wall,
Seeming to see nothing,
whatsoever, at all.
I have just finished watching this movie for the second time in a span of maybe a couple of weeks. Not something I intended, I rarely watch a movie again within a few months of my initial viewing. My dad brought it home and I didn’t want to be like, “I don’t wanna watch that! I’ve already seen it!” It reminds me of my brother. I know I am being critical and judgmental here, but I don’t want to be like that.
Besides I didn’t get to watch it with my dad the first time around like I wanted. It was more important for me that he got to sit down and relax and enjoy himself after a few days of hard work, made harder because he has some sort of tooth infection that has caused his face to swell up. It is his choice, yes, but my dad works so hard. maybe he is driven by personal beliefs and the beliefs of his father. But whatever the reason for his choice, he still works very hard, and I want him to be able to rest and relax when he is done killing himself off. I want to help in whatever way I can.
The first time I watched this it did not have the effect on me that it did the second time. We had just finished the movie, dad recalling the end because he had walked in on me watching it the first time. I had to start it because I had to go to be to get up early for class the next morning. I tried to explain why I didn’t tell him. I am not sure I did a very good job.
Anyhow this time I was overcome by a sudden feeling some time after finishing the movie. I can best express it through a question. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we hurt each other and ourselves so much? Are we so helpless under the control of our egos, our sense of identity, we can’t step back and see what the hell we are doing?
I read a very lengthy article about the film. Well I read maybe half of it. Just wanted to know what Dano’s character said to Manny at the end of the movie. In this article it talked about how people walked out of the theater over the farts. Really? Are we all collectively so prudish, so impaled by the sticks up our collective asses that farts offend us? What, will we beat our children if they fart? Or worse, make them feel guilty about it? About a natural body function most of us can not control? What’s next? Criticize sweating? No, guess we have already done that. BO? Definitely we frown on masturbation, no matter what our belief systems or religion.
I head this audio clip, or rather read what Trump said in it, about trying to get it on with a woman. Then Hillary says, and I think I am quoting this exactly, “We can’t have THAT MAN as president…” So Hillary not only ha a problem with men, she has a problem with men who have a healthy libido? Congratulations America! One of your presidential nominees has a healthy libido (sexual drive.) I fail to see the problem… In fact I am glad that this came out. You know what I didn’t hear when Bill Clinton was president, before Lewinsky was found under his desk giving him a blow job? Anything at all about sex.
You know who I am worried about? Hillary Clinton. That woman is so repressed, and has been since before Bill Clinton entered the oval office. Obviously the man wasn’t getting any at home, or if he was, which I doubt, it wasn’t enough. There was something lacking, and my guess is Hillary wasn’t putting out. I wonder if the lady has even gotten laid in the last few decades. I don’t have to worry about Donald Trump. He speaks his mind and is taking care of his needs as a man. But Hillary Clinton is so sexually repressed she is falling under the weight of it like a black hole falls under the weight of its own gravity.
You know who we can’t have as president? A woman who lies, who has indirectly caused the death of others (maybe even directly), a woman who can’t be trusted in simple security matters, and finally a woman who is sexually repressed. The expression, “You need to get laid” has never been more applicable to any human being on the planet at any point in time.
Monday through Thursday I ride the bus. I might get a ride to the bus stop. Or I may bicycle. I travel 14 miles to campus, and another 14 back. I spend 3 hours or so in class, and another 2 hours or so in two separate computer labs. I am a serious student. But I have never felt more alone and isolated. This whole thing in the movie, about talking to a woman, seeing her on the bus, it struck a chord in me. The whole time I was bicycling earlier this year I believed I had to go it alone, do it all by myself. I am only learning in the last few months the truth in the saying that no man is an island. Hillary Clinton is an example of what I could become if I continued down a path of taking this all too seriously believing I have to go it alone, never trying to meet or talk to anyone.
Yes, time on campus and doing homework needs to be taken seriously. But there must be balance. There must be friendships and partying. There must be an embracing of one’s self, one’s physical form and all its functions, all its parts. There must be an accepting of one’s self as they are. If you are horny, you should masturbate, but only if you have nobody in your life to have sex with because honestly, masturbating is a poor substitute for sex and it gets real old, real fast. Oh to have someone to share the act of lovemaking with!
Do not wait for marriage. Do not rush things either, just don’t hold back. Marriage and waiting are remnants of a dead and dying patriarchal and religious system. As a race we need to move on. People like Hillary Clinton and her husband are the direct results of such systems. such systems also make us ashamed of farting in public. They make us ashamed of our bodies. They tell us we must always wear clothes and hide our nakedness, often called our shame. It just has to stop. Do you think any peacock is going to propagate his species if he doesn’t fan out those beautiful feathers? No. You might call Trump a peacock and think it is a bad thing. Not me. A man who embraces his sexual drives and urges is healthier than a man who doesn’t, or tries to hide it.
As a man who has hidden himself away, isolated himself, who still feels fear, guilt and shame every time he masturbates, who is worried he will be caught, what it would do to his parents, not to mention what would happen to him, a man who does not have the courage to say the sorts of things Trump is recorded as saying. I have always been proper and respectful. But I am miserable. The only differences between me and Dano’s character in that movie is A. I have not tried to kill myself yet and B. I don’t even have a farting corpse for a friend. In the past I have opened up my home to others, and they “got some” while sleeping at my house. You know where I was? In my room, alone, without anyone.
We all have to seriously loosen up, and the few of us that have woken up from the spell of our religions, we have to help rouse the others. Ethics, morality and religion really need to go out the window, to be replaced by a single principle, in the Bible it is called, “Love they neighbor.” I know it sounds scary, but ethics, morality and religion are attempts to control behavior. Control = repression. What happens when something is repressed, I.E. put under extreme pressure? Murder, rape, suicide and every other evil mankind commits on itself. To embrace and accept ourselves, our nature and our urges, to love and accept ourselves, will allow us to love and accept others, and give them room to embrace these aspects of themselves as well. You will find in such a society little or no crime.
I know that may be hard for a lot of you to accept. Even if I told you that others have said the same over and over again throughout our history, only to me ignored, imprisoned, killed, murdered, ridiculed, tormented or tortured. Ask yourself if the message is wrong, why does it keep showing up? How many years passed before people believed those telling them the earth was round, not flat, and the universe did not orbit around it? How long do you think that took, before humanity finally got the message?
But for now just let that be. I want you to think for yourselves. I am not trying to convert anyone. But I will challenge you and cause you to ask questions. I will also give you a very simple assignment…
Talk to that pretty girl, or the handsome guy, on the bus, or the next time you see them in the hall at school, or in the lunchroom, or at class. Ask that man or woman out at your job that has caught your eye. Stop trying to go it alone. Trust me, after over 20 years of that path I can tell you that this road goes nowhere. I would rather have a dozen girls laugh in my face than miss the one who laughs with me and smiles at me. I admit, I am not sure I could handle 20 girls laughing at me. I am not a fan of rejection. But I am also not a fan of being alone, just one man on campus, in his own little world, isolated from everyone else.
If you ever meet me, I will not be hiding my farts. If I catch you masturbating, I will not tell anyone, I will not criticize or judge you. If you are a pretty woman I may enjoy watching you, but if you are somewhere I can catch you doing it I will assume it is an open invitation. And yes, if the worst I will catch you at is burping or farting, that’s cool too. I simply refuse to bear the burden of religion’s and society’s constraints any longer. And I am voting for Trump. Rather than put me off, this recording makes me favor him even more.
Maybe he is a racist and a womanizer. If he is these things will bite him in the ass and I have a hunch he is capable of changing himself for the better. If he refuses to adapt as needed to all the requirements of the post of president he simply won’t last very long. I just want someone in the office who speaks his mind for once, is not politically correct and doesn’t try to be, knows how to handle large amounts of debt and money, and will undo the many, many things Obama did that I never voted for and do not approve of.
And I didn’t mind watching Swiss Army Man twice. I think I may even have enjoyed it. I can’t say for 100% certain that I liked the movie or not. But I liked that the people behind it had the courage to make it, and I like that Dano and Radcliff had the courage to be a part of it. I do not approve of the borderline gay content. It never crossed the line, which I appreciate, but it came close. I can not condone or support same sex relationships. I will not hate any members of the LGBT community, but I do not have to like them either. I don’t know how I will love and accept such people as they are. But I am still growing and learning. Maybe someday I will reach that point.
It’s time to stop hiding behind that book or those headphones. Put yourself out there, and help others do the same. We are all lonely, too many of us have succumbed to suicide as a means of escape. There has been far too much pain for everyone. Embrace life and the living of it. Fart, masturbate, have sex and enjoy yourselves. No holding back, no forcing yourself. Just flow, without attachment, as much as you are able, into and out of the relationships in your life.
If you are not forcing or running away, then the timing will be right. Telling yourself that someone should or should not happen is futile. If it should have happened, it would have happened. If it should not have happened, it would not have happened. The fact that something happened or did not happen is exactly how it should be. Stop fighting and struggling against the things you can not change. Accept and embrace them, release attachment. Everything is exactly as it should be, even if from your perspective or anyone else’s that does not seem correct. This statement will prove itself true in time.
On the stage we have chosen, whether we are conscious of the choice or not, we wear our masks and play our parts. If you are not happy with your life, take off your mask, assume a new role, select a new stage. That is the only power we have, and we all have it, equally. We can all choose how long we will wear our current mask and play our current role on our current stage. You are not destined or fated for anything, unless you choose to be. Ultimately the experience of your life is up to you, whether or not you are aware of it.
on still green leaves,
Veins stand out
against the gray sky
water turns them white,
A slight mist
hanging in the air.
I have been sitting on these words for some time now, and have lost much of the essence of what I wanted to say. But I want to get out into this white space whatever it is that remains.
I was sitting in the hall as a bible study group was going in the main sanctuary of my parent’s church. I overheard the former pastor of the church talk about how hard satan worked at drawing Christians away from God. When I heard that, something occurred to me.
In our society we equate hard work with success. We think hard work is something admirable, good, worthy. If this is indeed the essence of hard work, then how can it be the essence of a being that is presumably the antitheses of anything good?
Satan should by all rights be lazy. What is that old saying about the devil and idle hands or laziness or something? I can’t recall the worlds. How can a being that is lazy, even if powerfully motivated by hatred, ever work hard at anything, and continue in that work without giving up or quitting?
It is so easy for Christians to point at anything they disagree with or simply don’t like and blame satan for it. How much attention and credit to they really want to give their sworn enemy?
Just another example of the myriad of cracks and flaws in the house of cards that is the Christian religion.
A few updates for you, my readers…
To begin with, I am returning to college after a roughly 9 year absence. I attended Lower Columbia College from 2004 – 2007. I think I was a good student. I worked hard at school and my workstudy job. I applied myself, I think my GPA was 2.5 at least, probably closer to 3.0 – I have my unofficial transcript somewhere.
For a long time I told the story of how I was cheated out of the degree I was pursuing. But even if that were true, I see now that no matter the machinations of others, it is possible to overcome anything thrown at you if you really want to do it. If you really believe in yourself and want whatever it is they are keeping from you bad enough. How else do black people from neighborhoods that are a step away from hell become famous rappers?
Success can never be given to you, and its not really about earning it. Success is something you work at. If you are a miner you keep digging until you find that precious material you are looking for. It seems as if working for it and earning it are the same thing. But to my mind earning has some hidden implication of a right. You have a right to whatever you feel you have earned.
But working for something and getting it doesn’t really imply some right to it. You worked until you got it, end of story. There is a quote from Bob Ross I would like to share, I may not have the words exact, “Talent is a pursued Interest. Anything you are willing to practice you can do.” I think this applies to success as well. It is something you pursue and practice until you have mastered it.
I was still a Christian back then, I was a completely different person. Physically I may look the same, and I have the same marvelous mind as I had back then, but my whole mentality and spirituality is different, as is my motivation. I go simply seeking to finish what I started all those years ago, and come away from it with something practical, some salable skill I can use to support myself. I intend to step out into the world on my own. Not, as I have previously been, to the exclusion of all outside help. I learned my lesson well in Parkdale. Trying to go it alone, believing that I have to – this is no way to live.
No, even while I seek to support myself I will practice openness and receptivity to the aid of others in whatever form it may take. Because no matter how much I learn, how smart I may be, how intelligent or hardworking, I still can not do and know everything. I can not operate independently from others. I can not exclude myself from other humans and expect to progress is any reasonable direction.
We are, all of us, dependent on each other, whether or not we want to admit it or are aware of it. The man who says he built his empire entirely by himself is lying to you. Under the foundation stones, seeped into the very walls of the structure, are the blood and sweat of others, mixed right along with his own.
The second thing I want to tell you is I think I finally have found the heart of the dragon hoarding the treasure of words to which I have so far had little access. I have been reading, “On Poetry” by Glyn Maxwell. Perhaps many of you already suspect this, but I have never studied poetry, or taken any courses. I have never been taught how to write it. I found this book in an effort to address that, frustrated with my inability to write complex, beautiful phrases.
This book has helped me to ask myself what the white space is to me, and I have discovered that I am afraid of it. That I have demeaned it, seeing it only as a container where I could pour out my feelings and thoughts, really more like stuff that I have regurgitated and thrown up. It has been something that I knew would not criticize or judge me. Something that I knew had to hear me, listen to me and whatever it was I had to say.
There is more to this, but my attitude to the white space also influenced my attitude to the black. I suspect this is why I have been, so far, unable to write, complete and publish any book, and why my poetry is so, plain. It is probably also why I struggle to draw or paint. I am afraid of the white space, I demean it, disrespect it out of my fear of it, and because I I fear the white space, I fear the black. I can never really fully embrace that which I fear. I must love the white space, treat it as something special, something precious and rare. In doing that I love the black, and treasure it as well.
If I was living in the Myst Universe, and had in my hands a rare D’ni linking book, with a desire to create a world in it, I would be careful with each and every word. So many of these books were destroyed in that storyline, the D’ni are presumed dead, the art is long lost. Assuming I was even able to learn the Art, any linking book I found would be a rare and precious commodity indeed.
To treat everything I write as I would treat a rare D’ni linking book is the task that lies before me. I may not write as many books, but what I do write will be of the highest quality possible. Anything done in love shines bright and lives long.
So that’s it for now. I will post additional updates as needed.
Is there any smell,
Worse than the stench coming from,
This stuff between my toes?
Laying as if dead,
In this heat.
I have raped Silence,
Impregnating her with
the Last Singular Burning
Ember of My Soul’s Longing.
In a flurry of bright colors,
Carried in by the afternoon breeze,
Sliver of Moon,