Strange Things

Days ago, walking by,
half a plastic hanger. Now,
a single plastic clip. Why?

Endings

I am tired of endings!
They are the only thing I wish would end –
I dread those to come!

Traffic

Driving through this tiny mill town
with its handful of stop lights,
I am amazed at just how busy it is!

Who are all these people?
Why aren’t they at work,
here in the middle of the afternoon?
Where are they going,
or coming from, in such a hurry?

Or is it like that movie with Jim Carey,
and they all just appear when I do?
But of that were true, how come I hear them,
even late at night?

As usual there are no answers
to the questions I ask.
All that’s left is to embrace reality,
Or push it away.

I open my arms…

I’m Not Sure Schwarzenegger is Right…

I felt a sudden compulsion to write. I haven’t written much here because lately everything I have posted has been extremely dark, to the point it has driven away the rather large audience of readers I think I might have had, given the responses I used to receive. BlissWriter was never meant to get so dark. But my writing has always been authentic, as far as I am aware anyway, with how I am feeling. And tonight I am feeling confused and conflicted.

Arnold has published a book titled, “Be Useful.” I have always enjoyed him as an actor. I had heard he was impressive as “The Governator” for California. I admire and look up to the man. I can’t say I am a fan or anything. Were I to come face-to-face with him I doubt I would ever ask him to sign anything. I might want to sit and talk with him. I respect him, even more as I read his book. He really is an impressive person, and I feel he truly wants the best for those who are reading this book.

Among other things he advises you either build a big picture for your life that you work through or do the inverse and work up to some goal. I don’t have the resources to build anything from what I have. But I can create my big picture to work to, and I spent some time Saturday doing just that. There really aren’t many options for me, and I am ashamed to say that. Arnold came over from Austria (am I remembering that correctly?) where he lived on a dirt street. He had even less than me, yet found his way to America and into Bodybuilding.

You would think that since I am already living in America, the land of opportunity, and I am on a side street in a small town, that the entire frikkin’ world would be at my fingertips! I see two possibilities… The possibilities are there and I am blind to them, as well as blind to figuring out how to create or discover them. Or there aren’t any. If the latter is true the solution is to leave. I already tried that, twice, and failed. There is a third possibility, and that is I am an ignorant and spoiled fat white American man. Simply put, I am not hungry enough. I think it’s a little of each of these.

The point I am trying and struggling to make is that I just can’t seem to figure it out. I just don’t have anything I want to aspire to. I don’t know how to connect with people, make friends, find a mentor, and I don’t believe going out to make friends to benefit myself is the right mentality and mindset. If I am going to make friends, in my mind I need to make them just to make them, and have no hidden agendas. If I am going to ask someone to be my mentor, I am allowed to be selfish here. A prospective mentor knows that they are the one, generally, with the connections and knowledge.

Does this mean that I am some vapid, couch-potatoe, lives-with-his-parents useless waste of space? Maybe in Arnold’s opinion. Actually I can all but guarantee it. But does it mean that I have nothing at all I want, that interests me, to become, experience or learn? Heck no! Not at all! As I said, I set my big picture goal, and I started with 100,000 subscribers and monetization by December 1st, 2025. The date is not set in stone of course. It is just part of the goal. Be what I consider to be a successful YouTuber before I turn 50. I later changed this to 1,000,000 subscribers and being a member of Hermicraft. Then I thought there are no other big SMPs to challenge Hermitcraft other than Empires, which has some of the same players. Both are, as far as I know, closed to public applications.

What if I made my own competing SMP, but unlike Hermitcraft, you could become a member? But you would have to have a “rookie year”, where you would be, essentially, the equivalent of a “boot” in police officer training. You would have to be a contributing and active member, creating quality content for YouTube on a regular basis, to even apply. But you could realize your dream of becoming a member, unlike Hermitcraft, which as far as I know has turned away excellent players like LogicalGeekBoy.

This became the best big picture dream I could work to. I would contribute by helping others find success at YouTube as Minecraft Content creators and establish a friendly community for the fans, hopefuls and players. Of course I would also be providing entertainment. Worthy big picture dream I think.

But tonight as I was reading the tracklist of a music album, and looking at a thumbnail, it hit me. Do you know what I really want? Really and truly, deep down? I want to experience the world. I want to go and be “Sleepless in Phoenix”, which was one of the tracks on this album. I want to explore the world and have new experiences. And I want my life to be that, not some job I do to pay for it. This is how I want to live… I just want to explore the world and enjoy myself. Live high on the hog without monetary restriction. I think maybe it is all I really want. Arnold would be disappointed in me. What, you want to “live high on the hog” without earning it or working for it? Blasphemy!

I want to close this post with some questions… How come both materialistic society and spirituality agree on these things: Being of service to others and working hard? Where did this collective believe, this idea and ideal actually come from, and how come we get it from both the physically focused and spiritually focused sides?

There are examples throughout history where someone’s desires has resulted in death and destruction. You can’t really trust that just because you have a deep down desire that this is right, or meant to be, otherwise you wouldn’t have it. No comfort there. But I wonder if it really is wrong for me to not want to have to earn or work for whatever I need to just enjoy and experience life? I am not exactly against earning, serving or working. As long as I was doing stuff that I engaged me, or I enjoyed, or that I could at least tolerate. Stuff that did not interfere with my enjoying life and having new experiences.

But do I really have to work a Slowlane job to earn enough in 30 years to finally get to enjoy life and have new experiences without obligation? Or do I have to become an entrepreneur and salesman and find whatever it is I can sell others, either as a service or just taking advantage of supply and demand, then start selling stuff? Right now I have no idea what I could offer anyone.

I am not sure Schwarzenegger is right, or more accurately, I am not sure his dad was right. While his dad’s advice to “Be Useful” did drive Arnold and lead him to accomplish many amazing things, I am not convinced, nor sold, that the highest aspiration of a physically manifested soul (which we all are) is to “be useful.” Useful to whom and for what? Who is the one who determines whether or not you are a useful person? Should we have some sort of bloody game where all the people who are considered useless have to kill each other to make themselves useful by entertaining us? Because I can see that as a potential dark future for the human race.

Why is it our business if someone is useful or not? What if someone really, truly wants to be completely and utterly useless? Are you gonna let them starve to death because they refuse to work for their food? Are you gonna infringe on their freedom to be completely useless? And where will you draw the line between usefulness and uselessness?

As usual I have no answers for you. Or even for myself. I just know that I was recently overcome by this strong desire and it became clear to me something that I really, truly wanted. That’s super rare for me, to actually be clear on something like this. I am not sure I want to be a YouTuber, or to run a Minecraft SMP. I have some things I want to make someday, but I am not sure I want to be an inventor. I would love to make my own game someday, but I don’t want to be a programmer. I wouldn’t mind being an architect, but even there, nothing compels or draws me. I just like making stuff, having a vision and realizing some version of that.

I don’t like that I am like this. I don’t like that I live with my parents as 50 rapidly approaches. Even if they lived another 20 years, which is unlikely, do I really want to continue to sit here making content and playing Minecraft? Either they or Minecraft will die someday. What will I do after either of these things happen? And I don’t want to be useless. In certain contexts I like fixing things and helping people. I want to contribute something of value to the world. But at the same time, I want to be completely free to enjoy myself and have new experiences, without limitations.

Is that really too much for me to ask?

2-20-2024 – What I’ve Been Up To

This won’t be a huge post persay. I do intend, in the near future, to write here on a more regular basis. But for the moment I am working through some things and dealing with a recurrence of insomnia.

So for the last few months I have been using AI at Night Cafe to create some art. You can check out my profile here:
https://creator.nightcafe.studio/u/DreamBliss

I am really enjoying this process! Sometimes it gets frustrating when I can’t seem to find the right magical words for the prompt. There aren’t a whole lot of resources that I have found to help me understand better how to create my prompts in ways that lead to more success. But it is fun having a genie, as it were, that seems sometimes able to reach into my mind and make real some version of what I am thinking about.

Also happy to report that I am editing videos again. Which isn’t necessarily good news here, as it means I write less. I haven’t found the balance between video editing and writing yet. I know I have some internal stuff about writing to take to Inquiry.

Currently working through Byron Katie’s, “Loving What Is”, Hale Dwoskin’s, “The Sedona Method” and Barry Michaels and Phil Stutz’s, “Coming Alive.” I will also be reading, again, Sasha Stephens, “The Effortless Sleep Method” due to the aforementioned insomnia. BTW, it is very hard to type right now.

That about covers it, I will do my best to come in with an actual article sometime by the end of the month.

1-4-2024 – So, What Do I Want?

This question comes from a book entitled, “The Law of Attraction” by Michael Losier. Never heard of the author before. I am reviewing the text to see if it will fit where it was donated.

You may have noticed there was a post here, that has since disappeared. It is now located at my darker blog. There is a link around here somewhere to that blog, but I do not advertise it. The post was just too angry and dark to keep here. It also no longer reflects my current mental state.

I read the words in the title today and realized something… I really have been focusing a lot on what I do not want. This floored me, because I know better! I mean sure, it is hard to visualize a thing you want to manifest, to feel as if you have it, if it isn’t there. That’s one thing, and maybe more than I can do. But asking myself, when I catch myself talking or thinking about something I don’t want, “So, what do I want?” Yeah, I can do that! Easily! So why haven’t I?

I read Esther and Jerry Hicks. I read Wayne Dyer. I read and watched the Secret. I read Pam Grout. You name it, I probably read it. I have known for years now that, “…you get what you ask for, whether you want it or not.” I know that thoughts become things. That my thoughts create my reality. That what I am thinking about, whether in a negative or positive way, I attract, and worse. This is also how undesirable circumstances or situations are perpetuated. What have I been thinking and saying all this time about living here in this apartment with my parents?

I can’t even think back to a time when I was focused more on what I wanted than what I didn’t want. I can’t trace back when this changed, if it ever did. Have I been walking around, shackled, with blinders on, this whole time? I can think back, even when I travelled to California, and though specifics elude me, I am pretty sure I was not focused on what I wanted either on that long train ride down there or when I got there.

Looking back I can tell you now what I wanted. I wanted to enjoy the train ride. I wanted to have nice food to eat and a sleeping compartment. Instead I was uncomfortable the whole time, and I had a disgusting little plastic pack of mac and cheese to eat, for the entire trip! Then when I got there I found some cold cooked chicken – wings I think – slightly overcooked. That was like a feast!

Speaking of when I got there… I wanted to enjoy a nice, warm evening. Instead it was raining and cold. I wanted to have someone on Couch Surfing (I had contacted many available hosts) to put me up for the night. I wanted a nice, comfortable place to sleep. Instead I slept on a hard, wooden bench just outside someone’s business. I wanted to have my own money and pay my own way. Instead my parents had to send me money to stay somewhere decent where I was able to get a shower, and some food at McDonald’s. I wanted to find a job and stay down there, stand on my own. Instead I found no opportunities at all.

Does that mean that there was no nicer way to travel there, nowhere to go or stay when I got there, and no way for me to pay for my own stuff to stay there? Does that mean there were no opportunities there? No. Someone else doing the same thing I was, in the same general financial situation as me, but focused on what they want, would likely have had a better experience, nicer weather when they got there, a place to stay for as long as they needed once they arrived, and then at least one job opportunity to which they could apply. I am certain of this.

I share this to hopefully show you, clearly, how we can get stuck in our heads about things, assuming things, that only serve to inhibit or obstruct us. What was that analogy someone used I heard once… The guy walks into an all-you-can-eat buffet, it’s $4.00 for dinner or something like that, and there are all these rooms. There’s one where the food isn’t very good and has been picked over, where everyone else seems to be going. But there is also a fancier room he doesn’t notice until later, and it is full of the best food, lots of selection, and he finds out, after having a disgusting meal, that everything in there was $4.00 as well.

This is what we do to ourselves. This is how we limit ourselves. I do it even on a small scale. Just down the street there is a book box, a perfect opportunity to practice manifestation. And what do I do? Tell myself how there is nothing in there, there will never be anything in there, or some BS like that. So what do I find when I open it? Exactly what I created for myself to see when I opened the door!

Anything at all could be in there. Some rich dude could put a stack of 100 dollar bills in there. Even if it was there, I wouldn’t see it. I would be blind to it. It wouldn’t exist for me, because I have blocked myself from receiving it. I guarantee that there is at least one other person who opens that box, maybe even after I visit, and almost always finds exactly what they want in there – because that is what they have been focusing on.

Well I don’t know about you, but I made a record in my journal. I decided to sit down and write this. I am putting a stop to this right now. From here on out I am going to become aware of when I am thinking about what I do not want, the times I say or think, “don’t, not and no”, and I am gonna record it, then ask myself, “So, what do I want?” because I want to manifest certain and specific experiences, people and things in my life, I want to accomplish certain things as an artist, content creator and writer, but everything I have done so far has pushed what I want away from me. Kept it away from me. Drawn to me only their opposite, undesirable outcomes. I don’t know about you, but I am done with that!

One of the clearest memories I have about California is I was in Santa Barbara, outside some sort of mall at night, trying to find a place to sleep. A young woman (for some reason I didn’t talk to her, not sure why) comes out of the store, clearly off-work or something, and spins around, her long hair flying around her shoulders, looking up, enjoying the rainfall I had been walking through the last few hours. I was cold and wet. But here she was, enjoying the rain!

I realized later how rarely rain like that must happen in Santa Barbara, and it shows me very clearly how two people can experience the same thing in completely different ways. I will always regret not at least saying hi. How can I expect to find a place to stay, or an employment opportunity, or maybe just a nice meal, if I don’t take the time to approach and connect with other people? Nobody knows you are drowning unless you reach out your hand.

Let’s end this with some statements about things I want. Get out a piece of paper and write down your own, OK?
I want more subscribers at YouTube.
I want to create more and better content for YouTube.
I want to be a better builder and player in Minecraft.
I want my own house, and the means to stay there.
I want to get my things out of storage and go through them.
I want to approach and connect with anyone who crosses my path.
I want to write at least one complete, publishable story.
I want to return to California and have an amazing time.
I want lots of money so I can pay for the experiences and things I desire.
I want regular, substantial income doing something I enjoy and/or love.
I want to be free of all familial obligations. I want to just live my life.

There are a few other personal things I want which I will write in my journal and not share here. Feel free to share all or some of your list in the comments below.

Neville Longbottom in a Harry Potter Universe

I keep returning to the same feelings, the same thoughts. Seeing someone I admire, ScubaKay, uploading his videos once again, seeing the quality of what is doing and making, just brings it back to the surface for me.

Am I envious or jealous? Perhaps. I can’t say one way or another. Someone outside the situation looking in would have to judge me and let me know. What I do know is that seeing what ScubaKay and the others on Arcadia SMP are doing makes me want to do better, to do more.

It is not quite as pure as inspiration. That would be nice, to have nothing but a harmless white, fluffy bunny rabbit equivalent of feelings come up. It’s not that I feel goaded either – that isn’t right.

I have this longing deep inside me, in my heart (but I am not entirely sure of this) to reach these goals. If I was to use an illustration, imagine a group of people were climbing up a mountain. A lot of people never even approach the mountain. A few come to the base and look longingly up, but never proceed. Some, including me, climb up a little ways. Each group gets progressively smaller as we hike up this mountain. People linger or stay at all the different levels. With every level the view is more magnificent, the rewards greater. But to climb the mountain takes every ounce of your energy and more.

I feel like I have climbed up higher than a few groups, and I can just barely see Scuba way above me. He is still climbing. Above him, closer to him than I am, are the folks at Hermitcraft. Folks like Casey Niestat and Mr. Beast are way up at the top somewhere. I don’t know who the Minecraft content creator equivalent would be these two, but that would be in that group at or near the top.

It took everything I had in me to get where I am. I want to go higher. I am scraped and bloody. I actually crawled on my hands and knees to get this far, leaving a trail of blood and flesh behind me. When I see Scuba release a video, he is close enough that I know I can reach that level. I know I can do it. It inspires me to start to climb. But I get stuck, or slide back. I just can’t get any further. Meanwhile, others from my level like BlackBelt, Boston and DevilDog are still making steady progress.

I want to support my friends. I happily cheer them on. I even cheer on Scuba, though I don’t think he hears me as much now and doesn’t really need my cheering. He is tuned in to the others above him, and those on his level are closer. They are cheering him on, and that is helping him proceed.

I want all of them to get as high up the mountain as they desire. As high up as they dream. If I had the ability and power, if they actually needed or wanted it, I would scoop any of them up and climb the mountain with them on my back. These are my genuine feelings, I am sure I am being honest here. But it’s a moot point… Everyone on this mountain, though they may get a hand up by someone above and encouragement from others, they pretty much have to make this journey on their own. Everyone has to earn their place on the mountain, sooner rather than later.

I feel that I have no hands above me helping me up, and no encouragement. I may be a little bitter or disheartened about this. Probably because I do it for others. I believe that the best way to get something for yourself that you want is to give it to another. But your intention has to be pure. You can’t give it expecting to get it. You have to give it freely, without any attachment to outcome. Then the same gift you gave should find its way to you. Except I can’t think of a single time this happened, so either the belief is false or I have been doing it wrong. I fear I am doing it wrong – and not just this – everything.

So yeah… I feel alone. I feel lonely. I feel like a failure. I feel like a looser. I keep saying that in society’s view, I am a looser. None of this helps me climb, in fact, it drains any energy I have so I can’t climb. I’ve made it far enough up that there is no going back for me. But I am nowhere near the summit, and I don’t believe I will ever reach it. I don’t even want to try anymore.

Then Scuba releases a video, or one of my friends, and there is a jolt in me. I step up to the wall, my fingers bleeding and cracked, my nails broken and jagged. I grasp the nearest handhold and I start, for the millionth time, to climb again. I might get up a foot or two. Maybe more. But the next level is just too far above me. Too far out of reach. What little energy I have won’t get me there.

Eventually I stop, muscles burning. Then I get tired of clinging to the rock face and I let go, only to slip back down. This has happened countless times. I sit there in a heap and consider stepping to the edge where there is a solid drop, then just jumping off. Leaning over, I can barely make out a mass of shape and color down there. Bodies from others who have also jumped off, from all levels of the mountain.

This is the best way I can describe how I feel. Deep down inside, maybe even deep into my heart, I want to be an amazing Minecraft builder! I really do. I am not sure I care as much about being an amazing content creator. I love video games. I have loved them longer than a lot of people have been married. You could say videos games have been my longest relationship, second only to my mistress, depression. Out of all the videos games I have played, and all that have been made, Minecraft is the one that I just can’t seem to leave. Just can’t seem to put down.

I want to be good enough to someday join Arcadia and build and play on the same level as Scuba and the Arcadians. Someday I want to be worthy of playing on Hermitcraft with Bdubs and Scar, assuming they haven’t retired by the time I get there, assuming I can ever even reach that level. I can’t honestly say I have a dream to be on Arcadia or Hermitcraft. No. But I can honestly say I want to be good enough a builder and player for both of these SMPs. That is the bar I have set for myself, that is my goal.

I worry that I am not even good enough to be on Philosophy SMP, and will always be thankful to Ary for giving me a chance. The fact that I was even able to become a part of that SMP gives me confidence that I must have improved, I must have progressed, from where I started, five years ago or so. I think about my old content and DB Craft. Sometimes I visit my old worlds. The areas where I have developed, grown and improved are obvious. But so are the areas where I need to get better. I feel like I am not improving, that I might even be stagnating.

I guess I feel a little like a child asking Santa Clause for some amazing thing for Christmas. Then waking up on Christmas morning to open my presents, and only find socks and sweaters. Which, because I’m a good boy, I appreciate – I really do. In real life I still have a sweater my grandparents on my mom’s side gave me decades ago. I really like it, though it is showing signs of age.

Still, in my little-boy-heart, I am sad that Santa didn’t give me what I wanted. I tell myself I must not have been good enough. The magic of Christmas fades a little more inside me. I am Ron Weasley in a Harry Potter universe. Actually, I think I might be more of a Neville. Yeah, I am Neville Longbottom in a Harry Potter Universe – not even as good as Ron Weasley.

I want to be greater than I am, but I fear this will never happen.

12-7-2023 – The Post of Lists

So I watched two videos tonight related to my studies towards Financial Independence. One video instructed me to write 25 things I want. This is to allow myself to dream, and I think publicly posting it will be like some sort of admitting or confession. Yes, these are the things I want. No holding back, only holding myself accountable.

The last 3 list come from Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich (I think.) I might have done these before. But never publicly like this. So once again, no holding myself back, just accountable. These three lists paint the picture of who I am, how I serve and why I am here in the world.

My 25 Things:

1. I want my own house. I want it to have a minimum of two bedrooms and 1 1/2 baths. That way I can have my own private restroom and sleeping area. I want a small bedroom with either no windows, or a way to completely block out all light. I want the bedroom pitch black at night with no light source. The second bedroom will my workroom, and this one needs to be larger, with good lighting and views. I want a fairly decently sized kitchen with good quality equipment, so I can enjoy cooking. I want a large living room set up like a movie theater. Outside I want an outdoor shower, wine barrel sauna and hot tub. A very large hot tub – maybe one of these in-ground concrete things. I want this area with the hot tub and shower to be reasonably private, as obviously I won’t be wearing any clothes. I also need a nice, flat, grassy, well-drained area where I can do Tai Chi and Yoga. I also want an outbuilding where I can do my exercises in bad weather, and I want an outdoor TV that I can rig up in some way and use outside if I am following a video.
2. Ultimately I want to live in Northern California, somewhere near or in one of the few dark sky zones, so I can see the stars at night. Somewhere with my own private hot spring, or close to an easily accessible one I can use. I want to build or find a house there. It will be my private retreat.
3. I want a fully electric car with solar panels built into its roof. Fiskar, Rivian or Tesla. I don’t know which one I would prefer or which model. But I want something full-featured, with decent ground clearance and lots of features.
4. I want a two new computers, one build strictly for gaming and based off AMD architecture, one built strictly for video editing, processing and streaming, based off Intel architecture. Both should have no less than 32 gigs of RAM, with an additional 16 gig minimum on the video cards – 32 if possible. Both should have processors running in the low-mid 4ghzs (do these exists yet?) Both will have at least 10 terabytes of hybrid and ssd storage. I will have a variety of vertical mice to use, and a variety of keyboards. I will also get training both for proper typing and using the ASDW keys like a normal person. I will have a standing/sitting desk with a comfy chair that has adjustable arms, lumbar support and a high back. There will be an additional $10,000 laying around for anything I forgot to mention here, or come to need or want.
5. I want to travel the world, and I mean that literally. I want to live in Japan and Tokyo for at least a year. Spend at least another year in Amsterdam. Buy or rent a large house in Venice and stay there for at least a year. Hang out a while in Greece and Italy. Maybe visit France and Russia. There are a large variety of ancient ruins I want to see, and not just the well-known ones. And I want to travel in style, first-class travel and lodgings all the way. I will also spend a few months around Christmas in my own house, bought or rented, in Fort Leavenworth, WA., and I will travel to New York to spend a few days with Casey Niestat.
6. Can you run out of things you want? NOPE! I want to find, or be found by, my ideal woman. I am open to long or short-term, but I want to find the best person to share my life with, in the highest and best way for both of us. Then I want the ability and freedom to have any kind of date either of us desire. But I do not want her to know I am wealthy. She will have to suspect that until we get to know each other better.
7. I want a minimum of $100,000 a month in income. I want to start there, and grow it if and when I am ready. I want to be free of money ever again being any sort of barrier to entry. I want to be free and generous with my money, but also intelligent and responsible at the same time. I want to the be well-versed in the basics of personal finance and finance in general. I want my mindset to be that money is just paper, a tool, and even if it is lost or stolen, I can easily, effortlessly, replace any amount of it. I want there to not be a single corner anywhere in my mind otherwise. No matter what, I want to have this as an unshakable belief, that money is just paper, just a tool, and easy to replace.
8. I want a successful YouTube channel, if for no other reason that I can hang that subscriber plaque on the wall as proof that I created one. I succeeded, I did it, and nobody can take that victory away from me.
9. I want to get free of all inner blocks and obstacles to my happiness and success. I want to clearly know my purpose, if I have one, as well as my passions. I want to have a second unshakable belief, in myself, in who I am, in my reason for being here, in knowing how I contribute or serve in this world. I short I want to know, without a shadow of doubt, that I belong.
10. I want a new phone. I don’t know what phone I want. Something with either a lot of storage or the ability to add a microSD card. Something with good system specs and a good screen. Something high quality and tough, with a charger, case and stylus in the box.
11. I want a new tablet. Again I do not know what I want. But it has to have a LOT of storage – even more than the phone. I want it to have the ability to accept and use even a very large microSD card. I want something nice, reliable and rugged. I want a fairly large screen – at least 10 inches I think. I want it to have an extremely high PPI rating (pixels per inch) because that helps readability. Of course I want a full color normal tablet. I want it to come with its own charger, case and stylus.
12. I want a new laptop (is there a theme here?) I want something I can run Minecraft RTX on for 8 hours without it ever even thinking about overheating or running out of battery. I want the gameplay to be as smooth as butter and remain that way. I want it to run a full version of whatever OS is on it, and I want the OS to either be or operate the same as Windows 7, 10 or 11. I will be using this for gameplay only occasionally, mostly it will be for writing. But I want the laptop to handle whatever I throw at it – whatever extreme. Again I want something nice, reliable and rugged.
13. I want a personal dietician, physical trainer and Yoga Instructor. It can be one person that does all of these. They have to be well-versed in not only Western practices, but also Eastern practices. They have to understand things like chi and energy as much as they understand muscles.
14. I want a 1-3 month luxury stay somewhere where there is a natural hot spring and public nudity is not only allowed, it is accepted and encouraged. Maybe somewhere with awesome, healthy food and some sort of spiritual training. I may want to increase my stay time much longer if the place is really nice. I want to heal up there, from a lot of internal and external wounds.
15. I want to pursue any training of interest to me at the Monroe Institute. I want to learn how to astral project and successfully do it on a regular basis. I also want to learn to lucid dream on a regular basis.
16. I want to a full, professional, as close to direct source as possible, Transcendental Meditation session. However long it takes, however many times it takes.
17. I want another session with mother Ayahuasca. But this time I want to be somewhere where I am comfortable and feel like I am getting more 1-on-1 with the shaman in charge. I want this time to freely… Err… EXPEL without any discomfort. Some sort of way it is done so if I need to go somewhere to go, I can do it. I want to repeat this session as many times as necessary (and is healthy) until mother Ayahuasca speaks to me and shows me something.
18. I want at least one gallon-sized ziplock bag of the highest quality, most organic, most dense marijuana on earth. Legally of course. I want the highest quality vaporizer to use with it, unless there is an even better way to enjoy the weed.
19. (You weren’t expecting that last, where you?) I want to find a singing instructor that knows and understands my particular issues. Maybe as close to a 1-on-1 as I can get with Sylvia Nakkach? Whichever instructor, or instructors, out there are best for me. I want to learn both “clean” and “dirty” vocals. I want to develop confidence in my voice, such that I could walk into any band’s garage where they are looking for a lead singer and impress the ever-loving hell out of them. I want to develop and grow my voice to its absolute healthy limit, and then just enjoy singing in some way as a hobby. Maybe join or start a rock band.
20. I want to learn how to play the guitar and the piano. After that, maybe the sax and drums. I would also like to learn how to make electronic music on my computer. I want the best (meaning highest and best for me) teacher or teachers to instruct me in all of this.
21. I want every game system and every game, everything new in its original packaging, since (and including) the N64. Every game, every system – even the ones only released in other countries. I want to have the systems to play any game I desire. In the house (I will likely build) in Northern California will be a HUGE gaming room, where these will all be set up with the biggest and highest quality screens as possible. Some people collect cars. I will collect games and gaming systems. I will have two copies of most if not all my games – one to sit on a shelf and one for a library copy. I want to also have any parts I need and training to maintain these systems, as they become harder to replace.
22. I want my own lab/workshop, where I can invent stuff whenever the hell I want to. I want all the tools I need to fabricate things, including all metal working systems, sand cutters and 3D printers. I want full training in all this equipment, so I can competently and safely use it. I have an idea for a sort of antigravity car I want to pursue (I really do, sketched it out and everything.)
23. To go hand-in-hand with the last, I want full (personal where possible) training in any subject I need. Currently that’s physics and science. If there is a subject of interest to me, I want to learn it. Then I want to apply and use that knowledge.
24. DUH! I want a new bed and bed frame! How could I forget that? I am tired of walking up feeling like a pretzel instead of a human being. So yeah, I want the best (highest and best) mattress and frame for me. A twin for now and my current situation. Later I will want a Cal-Queen or Cal-King. Also all the “trimmings.” I would love a chemical-free, organic, set of blankets, sheets and a comforter. Inspiring colors and designs, highest quality available.
25. I want a nice, custom-tailored suit. I want to find some tailor somewhere who does exceptional work but is not very well known. I want to have this tailor make me a fall and summer suit with all the trimmings. Down to shoes and underwear if they do that. And a fedora, and a trench coat/raincoat/overcoat. Something comfortable, breathable, effortlessly black-tie only acceptable, yet subtly breaking the rules (barefoot/minimalist dress shoes.)
26. Will I add more? Probably yeah. Because I want to break the rules. Where it is healthy and safe to do so. Where it does not hurt anyone or myself. Where it is for my highest and best to break them. And adding more items to this list would qualify.

My Aptitudes:

1. Writing
2. Teaching (explaining difficult things.)
3. Drawing
4. Singing
5. I don’t know what this is called. But I know things I should not know. I have little or no experience, knowledge or training in these things. Yet I know them, and I am right 99% of the time. Not only that, I understand some things in the same way. It seems perfectly logical and reasonable to me. It makes sense.

My Specialties:

1. Computers and electronics
2. Video editing
3. Building things in Minecraft
4. Openness and receptivity
5. Flexibility
6. Photography

My Philosophies:

1. Hard work isn’t everything, and should only be applied to what matters to you.
2. Manifesting is hard, and so is becoming wealthy.
3. A man should stand on his own, and he should be able to provide.
4. A man should have sex before he turns 30. A real man “earns” sex.
5. People can be generous, and are generally good.
6. Life is a classroom, and yes, there are bullies.
7. Everything that happens, without exception, should happen. If it shouldn’t have happened, it wouldn’t have.
8. We create our own reality. What we call reality is only “reality” to us. Reality is subjective – no two people experience the same thing, and few of us, if any, see things as they really are.
9. Beliefs and change can’t be forced, only chosen. All change requires space.
10. You can’t control what others do, say or think. You can only choose your response. (Thank you, Beary, for the editing.)
11. Aptitude, skills and talent aren’t everything. You can learn anything, and though it may take you a lot longer, you can reach the same level of skill as those who have it. Aptitude, skills and talent just make it easier for those doing whatever of these that have that for.
12. The only limits that exist, the only ones, are those we set, continue to believe in and perpetuate as a result.

12-4-2023 – Absolute Acceptance, an Underrated Superpower

A couple of things I should note… My mom did thank me for doing the dishes! She was truly appreciative, so I guess I don’t get credit for one dish washing! The other thing I should note is that, as I may have said, Ayhunna advised me to go through Byron Katie’s, “The Work”, and this is the second time I have picked it up and started to read it. I don’t know exactly when or why I stopped working with it last time. I doubt I read very far. This time I am much more engaged with the text.

Something Katie said, which inspired me to write tonight, is, “But it would be disempowering to stop my argument with reality…” – the author is quoting what others have said to her about accepting reality. I immediately thought of these reddit podcast things my mom listens to where you can hear about some of the absolute worst things those who refuse to accept reality perpetuate on others. Case in point… A story about a baker working at a small bakery where this mother in law keeps trying to change a cake order in her daughter in law’s name, berating a young employee and ultimately resulting in a marriage getting called off.

The thought that occurred to me came in the form of a question. Isn’t it more disempowering to argue with reality? It seems to me that the instant you have to argue about, for or with someone or something, it has power over you. You have given away your power. Who has the most power? Someone who needs to argue or someone who never does? If you never need to argue for your way yet get it, that is a position of power. If you need to argue for your way to get it, that is not a position of power. In both cases you are getting your way, but in the latter case you have to expend an unknown amount of energy arguing to get what you want.

About the only example I can think of where “arguing” serves any useful purpose is when a sail “argues” against the wind. By going against it, the vessel can be propelled. But the folks running the ship have to accept the wind at its current direction and level in the first place to know how to position the sail. Maybe that is more about resistance than denying reality…

I am no Buddhist but when they say, “Desire is the root of all suffering” I take that to mean desire for things to be other than what they are. If you merely accept reality as it is, you will not suffer. I am not sure that is 100% correct, I am sure that you suffer less the more you accept things as they are. I am also sure that this is the only way to open yourself to experience flow. I have had some very brief experiences of absolute flow, where I took everything as it came and had no attachments to the outcome. Just absolute faith and trust in the Universe. That is the best mindset for writing poetry – maybe for all creative endeavors – and it lead to some of the best solutions I have ever received.

When you stand in a place of absolute acceptance, rooted in the present moment, you are in your greatest position of power. This power comes from a state of being, not doing. There is no attachment to outcome, but there is a conscious response. Physically this is how a martial artist stands, moves and fights.

My mind is wandering a little here so I will wrap this up… Acceptance is not the same as approval. Argument may show your disapproval, but it also creates resistance, and the energy of that resistance perpetuates the thing you are arguing about, for, with or against. Argument uses a lot of your energy, and the more of it you use, the more of your power are you giving away.

If something has occurred, though you may not have wanted it to, though you may not approve of it, the very fact that it occurred means it was meant to. Anything that is not meant to occur will not happen. Yes, this includes even the most depraved and horrible things! Everything that happens has been called into existence by all involved parties, collectively, and probably not at a conscious level. Life is a classroom and some of the lessons are painful. I don’t believe it has to be this way or that it can’t be any different. But in my experience so far this seems to be the way it is.

Instead of practicing the skill of argument, start to practice the skill of acceptance.

12-3-2023 – The Chip on My Shoulder

So I did an exercise in a book that I don’t have next to me right now, and I am so tired I can’t think of the title. It had me create this structure for myself, with these various rooms. It’s a sort of Life 101 book printed back in the 90’s. One of these rooms has something in it called a “people mover.” Mine is something like a fantasy teleporter circle. When I summoned my master teacher, having no idea or intention as to who or what would come, Ayhunna came out of it.

I don’t know what Ayhunna is. I think he is male, and I think he is one of my spiritual guides. We met when he came to me during my first dream reentry. He just showed up. Until recently, he has always come in the form of a red-tailed fox. I love him. I just needed to say that. Not a romantic love, not a love for a family member. I don’t know what this kind of love it is. But I really appreciate Ayhunna. We used to play “chase the fox” and I miss those days. Now he changes into a male form. Oddly I never see any details of this humanoid form and it seems normal.

No, I do not know if Ayhunna is really his name. That is the name I was given. No, I do not know if Ayhunna is real. I could be delusional or insane by society’s standards, but since society is itself insane, I guess that makes me normal, right? No, Ayhunna is not a demon or an angel or any part of any part of any mythical or religious collection. Pretty sure of that. He might be, and likely is, related to my former shamanic practices. He could very well be some Native American shaman from ages past. Or not. But if he is likely to be anything, that would be my guess. I was listening to shamanic drumming during the dream reentry.

I do “receive” words from him. They come into my mind. Maybe this is how psychic communication works? I don’t hear voices or see words or anything like that. Recently I get an image of Ayhunna, in fox form, doing some action. Most of the time words just come to me, presumably from him. Again, I could be delusional or insane. Or I could be channeling in some way. Western science has not caught up enough with things beyond the measurable physical world to come up with any definitive proof one way or the other. With stuff like this, you take it on faith and in trust.

I think that if you are not open to this, you simply need to tell whoever or whatever you are receiving no. If they are truly higher frequency or vibration spiritual entities, they will never force themselves on you, I think you can safely assume that if fear or anything else is being used to coerce you, you need to see a priest or a demonologist. Not that I believe in possession or any of that bullshit. But there is an energetic pendulum, a paradigm, of humans that do, and that is what fuels experiences of angels or demons. If every human renounced all religion at once, and stopped believing in these things, they would just be gone. Absent.

Does that mean that there is nothing really “out there” beyond the physical? No, not at all. There is an energy, and it has a consciousness and sentience. It is this energy of which all physical matter is comprised. And it is this energy of what all paranormal or supernatural entities are comprised. It’s like that move or book or something where things take the form of whatever you are thinking about. Kinda like that, and it is likely that it isn’t only humans influencing this energy. Other species may have created forms of their own with their beliefs. Then there are the elementals, and I think I saw one once. I am not sure where they come from.

Anyhow I share all this to let you know that Ayhunna is once again interacting with me, this time as my MT or Master Teacher. And has told me that I need to work on my inner child. There is more going on here that I do not understand yet. I keep seeing images of him, head down, back arched, the very epitome of dejection and sadness. I think he’s trying to tell me something, but I am not getting the message. Yet. But I think it is related to this recent instruction. Because when I heard this I got pissed off. I just came out of the “fix myself” phase and all the self-absorption. Now I have to do this? But worse, he also told me (I think he did anyway) that I need to work on changing my negative mindset about what awaits me “out there”, outside of my current life. I wrote all about this at my Discord recently.

So I thought I needed to visualize my next step, learning how to live on my own, and work on my mindset about this. I figured I had come to believe that whatever awaits outside my life is worse. My experiences in the past seem to support this. So to get out on my own requires me to believe, have faith and trust that whatever awaits me will be better than what I have now. I have to visualize this, and this should free me. But now I have to do “inner child work”? More fixing myself, more indirect, intangible amorphous, endless, formless and shapeless work on myself, with no way to measure my progress, and no established goal to orient myself to. I do not do well with the intangible (I have a better word for this.) I wrote about this somewhere recently.

I can’t spend the next three years of my life healing my inner child, or doing “soul retrieval” or any of that crap. And I don’t want to. I just want to visualize my better life, manifest it, and believe it will be an improvement over this one. One and done. One step towards self-reliance, and with each step, I am building that life I want to live. The more time I have to spend fixing shit the more time I have to spend here and the less time I have to build anything better.

So this is where I am right now. You can’t see it, but I have a giant chip on my shoulder. I have been angry and depressed these last few days. My wifi card dying hasn’t helped anything. I am using a little 2ghz dongle so I can’t stream anymore. I don’t like being forced to stop doing YouTube stuff. I haven’t even received guidance on whatever the hell else I am supposed to do.

I am exhausted. This sickness in my body, which still lingers in the form of a cough, has wiped me out. Throw in my anger and depression, and my fear and worry about whatever Ayhunna is trying to tell me, and I can barely walk. I just did the dishes for my mom. I did them for her around Thanksgiving too. And warmed up the food because she did not want to do it when my uncle visited. I did all of that, even though I was in a foul mood. I put on a pleasant face, was an excellent host and I did all that work, after helping dad at the school. I was still going through that sickness, I could barely stand or walk – I literally was dizzy and had trouble staying on my feet. But I did all that – took care of everyone – and I didn’t even get a thanks. I think my dad did make it clear that “he owed me”, but it wasn’t really a thank you.

I just did the dishes for my mom again tonight. But if she forgets to thank me, I am going to take that as a credit for one dish washing. It frees me from feeling any obligation to do them for her the next time there is a huge mess like there was tonight. There is history I won’t go into here. All you need to know is I suffered abuse related to doing the dishes as a kid, from my mom, and that has royally fucked me up. Washing dishes is something I don’t just hate, or loathe. It is deeper than that. Not even detest or despite. But keep traveling down that spectrum and somewhere at the root is what I feel, every time I have to do them. And I still force myself to scrub them so thoroughly they literally shine! I do a far better job that anyone else in my family. You might think I am being boastful, but I am stating facts. I will take a picture for you sometime.

Now it is 6AM and I should go to bed, but I am gonna play Minecraft and try to work out this knot in my chest.