1-2-2022 – My New Years Resolution

I have been meaning to sit down here and write for a long time now. Today I finally had enough inertia to dust off my writing desk, open up this laptop and start typing. Unfortunately my thoughts are not very clear, so this will not be one of my better written pieces. Or at least I assume it won’t be. Maybe I should stop making negative assumptions about my creative endeavors…

Anyhow for the second week now, here on Sunday, I have sat down and watched Michael Bernard Beckwith, of the Agape Institute. It’s church for spiritual, non-religious folk like myself. He ties in the Bible with spiritual subjects effortlessly. You can check out the video which had the most impact on me here:

In that video everything he talks about was a synchronicity in my own life, in my own current studies. It was almost like he was speaking directly to me. Who knows, maybe he was. I had come to understand that my decades old quest to fix myself, to improve, has perpetuated things that I need to fix, or areas in which I need to improve. I have been doing all this to get myself out of the rut I have been stuck in, and into a life I actually want to live. That has been the whole purpose of everything I have studied since I left the Christian/Religious path and started forging my own way.

But I have been doing this while at the heart of me there is a voice whispering that I am not enough. Typically in the form of I am not good enough, or I don’t have enough skills or talent or whatever. I can’t recall it ever actually saying I am not enough, just always bringing up some area in my life in which I am lacking, and my lackluster life seems to support everything it says. But the truth, as I have come to understand it, is that my life is lackluster BECAUSE of my internal perception of myself, of the world, of life and the processes of living, of “reality.” In essence I expect to see that Life Sucks even when I utter these words. So, for me life definitely sucks.

Yet somewhere in the world there is a person sitting in their personal hot tub, or soaking on a 3-week sabbatical at an amazing hot springs resort (meals included), who is enjoying the everloving shit out of life right now, and for them life definitely DOES NOT suck! Even if I do not know this person, who they are or any details, I can assuming with %99.999999 accuracy that they exist. They or someone very similar to them. I can assume that there are many in the world who are not having a “life sucks” experience. Just as I can assume that there are many in the world that are having an even worse experience.

It’s an attunement thing. The people enjoying life right now, and in general, are tuned to a different station internally than the one I have been listening to. The ones having a worse life experience are listening to even more derogatory stations than the one I hear daily. It’s not about fixing anything, because nothing in me is broken. Hell the stations playing the negative stuff aren’t even broken! They are just doing what they have been instructed to do. It’s not about what I lack – what I perceive myself to lack lives only there – in my perception. I could meet someone tomorrow and for her, I could be absolutely perfect, lacking nothing. She might find me to be everything she needs and wants. I don’t see it, but maybe I am the only one blind to my inherent enoughness.

The Universe is a giant, sentient computer. A computer, once you put the parts together, just boots to a black screen initially. It’ll show you any BIOS it has installed, but after its first boot you just get a blinking cursor on a black screen. Waiting. For what? Your instructions. So you install Linux or Windows, and now the computer boots into an operating system. But what does it do after all the OSes initial instructions? Sits there, waiting. It’s a very expensive paperweight, unless you tell it to do something. That is all programming is, by the way. Just telling the box to do something.

I think the Universe is just like that, but it has a sentience behind it. On your birth, you begin to program the Universe. You tell the Universe your expectations, based on your beliefs and perceptions, and the Universe merely executes your commands. I am sure it hurts when you tell it to hurt you, but it is long-suffering and patient. I think the Universe hopes that someday you will stop telling it to hurt you and start giving it instructions to bless you, and it is literally bursting at the seams with goodness for you! But it can’t give you any of that until you command it to. Until you give it your instructions and permission.

Flowers don’t pay taxes for sunlight, oxygen and water. You will find them growing even in multi-billion dollar corporations. Nobody can or ever will charge them for the space they take up. And as long as they have the environmental support they need, they will bloom and emanate their scent for all to enjoy. They do this freely. They are given the gift of life, and all that is needed to make a flower happy, and flowers turn around and give that right back to anyone and anything around them.

One of my assumptions about life is that it sucks. That it is hard. That it is a struggle. That the Universe doesn’t care. When I was a Christian I often felt God didn’t care. Different words, same thing. But it is impossible that the Universe doesn’t care, that it doesn’t hear me, that it doesn’t even listen. Because the life I am currently experiencing is proof that it has heard me loud and clear! I dug a hole, filled it with shit, and dove in. Then I started complaining it wasn’t a hot springs. It wasn’t a nice house with my own hot tub. That there was nobody to share my shit pit with. Who would want to dive in here with me? What woman in her right mind would want to live with a beat up, 46-year old man who still lives with his parents, who doesn’t have a job and little interest in getting one, and who doesn’t really know how to stand on his own two feet?

But look how derogatory and negative I am being towards myself! The fact that I can say this shit about myself proves, beyond any shadow of a doubt, the internal monologue that has been going on. That I am still listening to the whispering voice that only tears me down. So what if I am 46? Beat up? Unemployed? Living with my parents? None of that really matters. Or rather, any value that gives or takes away from me only exists in human perception. It doesn’t take away from my innate value at all.

I am still worthy of love, I am still deserving of being loved. Even if I choose to stay in this shit pit, I deserve to be happy, and to share it with someone. Nobody can take that right away from me. It is the inherent right of every living being on this planet to be happy in whatever way is natural for them. And the Universe wants all beings in all Creation to be happy. It is infinitely abundant, and has enough for all!

I am slowly, very slowly, coming to understand that I am perfect as I am. That there is nothing broken in me. That I am not lacking in any way. There is nothing that needs to be adjusted or fixed. I am still struggling with believing that life is good, or the Universe cares about me. I am not sure how I will come to believe, feel and KNOW these things.

But I do know I want out of this shit pit. That I do want to find a way to stand on my own, some way in which I can serve and be recompensed with abundant amounts of money. And I know I want to meet someone to share my life with. In other words, I know where I want to go, but I am not sure how I will get there. However I am trying to convince myself that I will get there. That I will find my way and arrive at my destination in a timely manner. Like by the end of this year, for example.

Let that be my New Years Resolution, one that I intend to keep. One that I will keep. By the end of the year, I will be in the experience of a life I actually want to live! I will be in the experience of an amazing life, with a bright future and desirable present. I am planting my flag right here. Let it be so!


11-28-2021 – Is My Belief That I Need To Be Fixed Perpetuating Things That Make Me See Myself As Broken?

WOW! That is a LONG title! It comes after reading a few chapters at the end of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money.” Some of the things he is writing there helped me get a glimpse of something potentially life-altering.

Of course we have all heard how our true natures are love, or perfect, or some variation on this theme. I gather that I need to see myself as I really am in order for me to figure out how to define or label it.

The question I am asking myself is, if the key to accessing this is to let go of any desire or need I have to fix myself, in other words, if my perception that I am broken is blocking me from accessing my true nature, and in order to see myself as I really am I have to let go of the fixing, then, could it be that belief that I am broken, not enough, stuck etc. actually be creating those experiences in my life I define as negative?

I know this is not very clear and poorly written. Bear with me. Could it be that I am not broken? That, in fact, any such concept as me being broken, not enough, stuck, etc. is actually an illusion? I mean it is not who I really am, right? It is not my true nature? If it is an illusion, it is not real, meaning that the truth is I am not, never have been, and never will be broken, not enough, stuck, etc.

So in this quest I have undergone this last decade or so to fix myself and to address my internal issues I am essentially Don Quixote, chasing after windmills. The reality is there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing that needs to be fixed. There is no rut that I am stuck in. The self-sabotage and restless sleep, among other issues, that I have been experiencing are in fact symptoms caused by my belief in and ownership of them.

Could it really be as simple as letting go of this compulsion, this drive, to fix myself? And what would that mean for this blog? Mainly I have been using this as a place to share what I have learned. But if I already am everything I could ever be, do or have, and it is just a question of allowing it into my experience, of letting go of all opposing beliefs, what would be left to learn?

Maybe the desire to fix myself comes from the belief that I am not enough. Maybe it goes deeper, to some fear. Maybe I will finally be able to love and accept myself, to see myself as good enough, once I have let go of the belief, the idea, that there is anything broken in me, anything I need to fix, anything missing in me, or any way in which I could be coming up short. Maybe the actual solution is to stop chasing after things I need to address or change or fix.

I might have more to say on this later. Gonna sleep on it for now.

Desire, Passion and the Gray Cell

So this post ties in with my previous post. I wanted to talk about what Napoleon Hill means when he says you have to know what you want. What Wallace Wattles is talking about when he writes of a strong desire. Or what is meant by having or holding an image in mind. Here, in as down-to-earth terms as I can write it, is my understanding of this.

Have you ever tried to learn to play the guitar? Steel string, acoustic guitar. If you haven’t, let me tell you what I don’t think many of the books mention. You have to cut your fingernails down to nothing, and keep them trimmed. If you have large fingers, or inflexible fingers, you have to position and hold them powerfully in place in uncomfortable ways. You will likely bleed if you are not used to hard work, and have tender skin on your hands. You will develop calluses, but it takes a LONG, long time, and then you will have these strange, unfamiliar rough bumps at the end of your fingers. So how does anyone learn to play the guitar?

Simple… They love the guitar so much, that their passion for the instrument makes them pick it up whenever they can and practice. I had a friend who lived with my family for a while, and I would often see him just reach over and pick up his guitar, to hold it and finger it, as you would if you were to play. But he was just practicing finger positions. It was an almost unconscious gesture, and urge like you would have to pick up the hand of your lover whenever you are walking together. You have to have AT LEAST as much interest, obsession and passion for the guitar to get you through learning it.

But if you really, REALLY love the guitar, if you see yourself as a guitarist, as the next Mark Knopfler or Jimmi Hendrix, well that desire is even stronger. You go to sleep dreaming of your guitar, or songs, or fingering on the fretboard. You wake up and write out a song, or grab your guitar to finger it. You go to work, and even if you work a 10 hour day and are dead on your feet, the INSTANT you get home and see your guitar waiting for you on its stand in the corner, you are almost pulled there. If you get to this level of passion, you will master the instrument, and this is the first step towards being an innovator with it. If there are any guitarists here who will pitch in, please do.

This is what “having a strong desire” means. It is something you carry with you, living rent-free in your mind, always there at the edge of your awareness. You are always thinking about it, whatever it is. Could be playing guitar, singing, dancing, painting, writing – anything creative. You are already ahead of the game, because you already know what you want to do.

However in order for you to know what you want to do you have to be aware of it. This is what “knowing what you want” means. This awareness could have come to you in childhood, when a fireman pulled you from the blaze. You knew from that moment on you would be a firefighter. Even if you were just a scrawny kid, you would try to bulk up. You would get beat up at football. You would never stop trying to become a firefighter until you first put on your uniform and slung an oxygen tank over your shoulder.

Others discover what they want to do later in life. There are no time limits – NONE. If you want to learn how to dance ballet, and you are 90, if you can still walk, move and bend reasonably well, you can learn ballet. And if you want to learn ballet, you won’t let anyone tell you no. You will simply move on until you find someone who says yes. Stephen King did this with rejection notices until he was published. Anyone remember the movie 8-Mile?

Now its been a long time since I saw this movie, but if memory serves we have this scrawny white kid, in MICHIGAN, who is passionate about Hip Hop. He wants to rap. He wants to be an MC. He wants this at a time when only black guys were really doing it. And Michigan for crying out loud! I am assuming it is NOT The Hip Hop capitol of the world. But Marshal Mathers is undeterred, and if you ever get a chance to listen to Kamikaze, there is some real skill and talent on display there.

So substitute, “Knowing what you want” with “Becoming aware of what you want.” I think awareness is the key here. That leads to acknowledgement of the desire, but then you have to move to the next step and allow yourself to pursue it. You have to accept and embrace your desire, no matter how silly it seems, no matter how many people tell you its stupid or wrong or just tell you no. No matter how many times you are rejected and kicked to the ground, you have to get back up again. Your love for this thing that you want has to be strong enough to get you through that, and through all the practice you need to get to the level you want to reach.

Which brings us to a question… What do you do if you don’t have anything you want to do with that much energy, fire or passion? How do you move from simply wanting to do something to wanting it so badly you are pursuing it? You are broke, in the projects, and you want to learn to play the guitar. How do you move from, “I would like to learn to play the guitar” to “I don’t know how I am going to get one. I will steal one if I have to. But I will learn to play the guitar!” NOT that I encourage stealing, I use this as an example of how strong this has to be.

If you can’t think of a single thing that you feel compelled and drawn to, then I am right there with you, in the exact same boat. The closest I ever got was when I went to Clark College. The person in charge of the music hall – can’t recall the exact building name – but the place where music was taught and where the practice rooms were located – they let me, and any Clark College student, come in and practice, whether or not they were a music student, as long as a room was free. I came in and started to learn piano. I really came to enjoy this time. Even when I was tired between classes and my work study job, even when it was late, if I could get some time in there I did. I miss that. But I don’t think it was enough desire to drive me to learn the piano no matter what.

I can’t think of anything I wanted to be when I was a kid, and if I did have anything, I probably smothered and killed the desire. Murdered it by ignoring it and never acting on it. I suspect at one time I wanted to be a singer. I do remember singing to the radio, and I have a deep love for music. In fact when I was living in the RV with my parents my only private space was sitting there, on the sofa, earbuds in place, listening to music. It is how I relieve the pressure of anger. It allows me to cry, something that has become increasingly hard for me to do.

A life without a passionate desire for something is like living in a dingy gray cell, gray clouds outside – no birds, no sunshine, no joy. And as you locked yourself in there, only you can free yourself! That is probably the most accurate description of my life I can give. The only bright spot in it is the content I make for YouTube. That’s it. And I have realized I may have to set it aside and get a steady job, because it is time I get out on my own. I am not sure my YouTube creative work will survive that.

Worse for me is that I have a penchant for writing, but no desire or passion for it. How the fuck do you iron out that wrinkle? How can you be good at something and not want to do it at the same time? I dunno. I have no answers. But hopefully what I have written here will clarify things for you. If you are locked in your own dingy gray cell, the way out is to acknowledge and accept whatever it is that you want to do passionately enough that it will compel you, even drive you to practice it. If you have that you have a way out, and I am happy for you.

Please get out of your cell and make your art. Do whatever it is that is calling to you. The worlds needs you, it really does. Sometimes only stumbling on the creative result of someone else’s passion do we find our own. Hell I didn’t know I had any interest in dancing until I saw some of the Step Up movies! Now I wish I would meet some pretty dancer girl, learn some moves, maybe fall in love. That’s all you’re allowed in the Gray Cell. Dreams. Nothing real, nothing substantial.

Break out. And if you can find a way to break me out, please do.

How Do You Cultivate Desire?

So I am using the word cultivate here with the idea that this means to not only plant, fertilize and water the seed, but that one must also pull out weeds, dig out roots and break up the ground. To my mind this is the entire process of cultivation – the preparation for the area in which you will plant what you wish to cultivate, and the tending of it when you have planted it.

I am currently reading a very old book, older I think than even Napoleon Hill’s, “Think and Grow Rich.” This book is Wallace D. Wattles, “The Science of Getting Rich.” I have committed myself to this text, to studying it, believing it and applying it. Today I read something that troubled me. Wallace Wattles says, and I quote, “It is the things you do not really care about which require effort to fix your attention upon them.”

Mr. Wattles teaches that there is this stuff that is in and between everything, and in order to get something you want, you impress its image upon this stuff. In more modern language I would call this stuff energy. There is the energy itself, and the things in our world of which this energy has taken form. Instead of the phrase, “get what you want” I would probably use a word like Manifestation. But I have to say I like the down to earth way Mr. Wattles writes things.

In any case, in what I have referred to as ,”Manifestation Teachings” the process remains the same. There is something you want. You focus on it in your mind’s eye, seeing it as detailed as possible. Then you claim it, see it as already yours. You essentially detach from everything around you that shows you differently, as far as you are concerned it is already there.

To make this clearer… If you are living in a tiny, overpriced apartment and you want a nice 2 bedroom house in the country, even as you come home to your cramped apartment everyday, even as you wake up in it every day, you are thinking about this 2 bedroom house in the country. How it is laid out, what furniture you will put in each room. If you can throw in smells from your favorite flowers planted in a bed outside the front door you do that. You hear the birds singing. The more real you can visualize it, these teachings tell you the quicker this will come to you.

But what they have not mentioned, to my knowledge, is that if it requires a lot of effort to visualize this 2 bedroom house in the country, if you have to do as Napoleon Hill instructs and visualize it every day on rising and before you go to bed, well then you don’t really want it. You have an internal conflict, and until this is resolved, you will never manifest what you want.

That was one thing that threw me off in Mr. Hill’s teachings. I know from personal experience that trying to force something through, to make it happen, is actually working against the Universe. There is an effortless flow, and only when you are in that flow (you will know when you are) do things fall together, always for the best for all parties involved, always far better than you could have ever imagined. Trying to make it happen only keeps it from happening.

That does not mean there is no work to be done. Only that the work will also be a part of that effortless flow. When you are are WORKING at TRYING to manifest something, you will likely not get it, or it will be far less than you wanted. When you are WORKING TOWARDS manifesting something, just doing whatever work comes at you in the natural flow of the process, then you will get it, and likely it will be far better or more than you wanted. Usually it will show up in an unexpected way.

That is my understanding of the process. But I have not been able to get it to work for me. Now with what Mr. Wattles is teaching, I think I know why. It is really as simple as I don’t want it as much as I think I do, or think I should. This also leads me to seeing that there can be opposing desires.

For example I want to have my own house, but typically I tend to call it my own space. At the same time I do not want to be alone. I remember that year I had my own apartment and I was miserable. I am either afraid of being alone or simply strongly desire to not be alone. This is what makes it so hard for me to manifest my own house. In fact, when I have attempted to do this, I was always thinking somewhere in the back of my mind of having my parents in their own house close by.

Ultimately this means I do not really want my own house, not if I will be alone in it. But I have to stand on my own two feet, live my own life, and let my parents live theirs. Also, the best way I could ever help them (if I really wanted to help them and I think I do) is to be independent of them, supporting myself. If I have enough income and money that I could buy my own house, that means I would be better able to take care of them.

So now I come to an impasse… I feel I need to stand on my own. At some level I really do want my own house, where I could live as I please, maybe start a family. But I do not want to be alone, out of fear or just not wanting it I do not know. Here then is my question… How do I release my feelings of not wanting to be alone, or even being afraid of being alone? How do I let that go? Also, how do I want my own house so strongly that it is effortless for me to dwell on it, imagine myself living there, visualize every detail? In other words, how do I strengthen my desire for independence and having my own house?

If you have any thoughts on this, please comment below. I do appreciate your feedback. Hoping to find a solution here. Also hoping these words help you. If you have been trying, and failing, to get something you want, ask yourself if you really want it that badly, and if there are any conflicting desires getting between you and it.

The Sad Truth About Art

Apparently there seems this ideal, prevalent among artists, of some space or time where they could safely pursue their creativity. Melville called, “The Calm” or something like that. Well there is a problem with this, that I shall demonstrate simply with these words, “With no sand, the oyster makes no pearl.

According to my understanding, a pearl is made inside an oyster when a grain of sand gets in, causing the pearl to secrete a substance around it, which over time (I have no idea how long) becomes a pearl. I assume the more time it spends in the oyster, and the older the oyster gets, the more beautiful the pearl.

There is one rule relevant to the artist, and I advise you write this down: “Art does not exist in a vacuum.” In other words, the irritants in the world and, more specifically, in your life, are those things that, when worked over and smoothed through art, become the masterpieces all artists secretly long to create.

Also there is no perfect way, technology currently notwithstanding, to draw from your head the exact, beautiful ideal you have in your mind. All you can do is tease it out as best you can, and you have to try, or it will come to life, take a few breaths, then die right there inside your noggin’.

So toss out both of these foolish ideals. There is no artist’s heaven in our sometimes heavily censored and materialistic modern society. Even though wonderful things like Netflix and YouTube exist because of artists, how the world works is generally without acknowledgement or appreciation of our work. Why do you think you encounter so many wonderful musicians along the sidewalks, standing or sitting as they preform with an opened instrument case or upturned hat close by?

So stop looking for that perfect space in which to create – even if you were to find it no creativity would be possible inside it. Likewise quit seeking to support yourself with your creativity. It is antithetical to all muses to be the provider in the relationship. That, unfortunately, is your job! But be thankful, because your annoying boss or coworker are just more grist for the mill. Turn everything you dislike or outright hate into a beautiful pearl!

I am not just writing this advise for you. I am writing it for myself also. I have struggled with writing, specifically having no interest in being a “professional writer”, despite my gifted understanding and use of the English language. In other words, I am a Poet and a Writer, but I would rather play video games and make content for YouTube.

Also I hate the “daily grind”, even the idea of it, even more passionately than most. But it has become clear to me that it is time to embrace this unwanted part of myself, and in order to pursue writing in any form, I will have to find a way to earn some money to clothe and feed myself. That is just how it is. I can wish all I want that it would be different or easier. But, as they say, “It Is What It Is.

Embrace the irritants, the negativity and the struggle. Acknowledge it, come to terms with it, make peace with it, accept it. Don’t try to spit the particle of sand out, or you will never make a beautiful pearl! Work it in your mind, secrete your secret desires and longings around it. Express yourself in whatever creative medium that most draws you. Create and transform all your undesirable experiences or situations into beautiful works of art. You can do it, I know you can.

Believe in yourself.

The Biggest and Hardest Realization Yet

OK folks, this post is gonna be rough. For me, as I am barely able to concentrate, focus or think. Experiencing coughing and light-headedness. For you as the subject will likely be just as hard for you to work through as it has been and still is for me.

To start, get you a copy of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money”

I found this book on the shelf at my local library. Chances are yours will have it too. It is well worth the read. Now I am going to paraphrase a lot here, but essentially I cracked this open, began to read, put it down, and just last night picked it up again. I came face-to-face with Mr. Cease instructing me to imagine myself in a situation with no support, no money, everything I have gone. I realized a couple of things after reading these few pages (34-39).

I am EXTREMELY and SERIOUSLY attached to abundance, to acquiring it and attaining it, especially in the form of money. I am also EXTREMELY and POWERFULLY averse to experiencing any kind of reality without this, to the point that I would rather be dead than continue to live as I have. I have often said that I NEED or WANT a, “life worth living” or I would rather be dead. I don’t feel that my current life is one I want to continue to live. But it is all based on or built around having abundance, which I see primarily as money.

Somehow, despite going through Susan Jeffers, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” and a variety of Buddhist teachings of, “No Attachment, No Aversion”, learning to feel what I feel then release it and let it go, learning to not be attached to outcomes and do my best to embrace everything fully, DESPITE ALL THIS I realized last night that I was attached to money and averse to not having it. End of story. This pattern, or belief, or whatever the hell it is has been operating there, outside my awareness, all this time, through all these experiences and things I have learned. I was blind to it. I see it now. I am staring right at the little fucker!

Somehow a number of things have become twisted in me, to where if i had the experience again I had when I went to California, only this time sans everything including support – just having the clothes on my back – that is the worst fate I could imagine for myself. Being homeless. Searching for doorways to sleep under or benches to sleep on. That to me is a fate worse than death. In fact, in my mind, death would be preferable.

But why would such a fate be necessary, or even possible? I have been told again and again, through dozens of different teachers, from all corners of philosophy, religion and spirituality, that the Universe by nature is abundant. All are provided for, they have only to open and receive that abundance. No bird lacks a place to build their nest! In fact, a state of not having one’s needs met is artificial, man-created. It is man that has created any sort of wealth hierarchy, and the idea of wealth to boot. Money is a man-made invention, as is the society in which it is used. Birds do not pay rent! In other words, the natural state of all life forms in the Universe is abundance. Scarcity is an invention.

I know this, intellectually, and I have even experienced it a little first-hand. Yet I forgot this. Just let it slip my mind. I do not know when this attachment to money, and aversion to not having it, first took root in me. I look back, and I see myself standing outside the little community church I used to attend with my parents. I was hanging out with Andrew and Tim – friends of mine. I was in my teens. The brothers could get a little rough, my shirt was pulled or something, and I got super angry. I can trace the roots back at least that far. No reason for a young man to be obsessed with clothing unless he is afraid of scarcity, and below that, attached to money and averse to not having it at some level.

However far back it goes – likely adopted from my parents – it is time to free myself of it now. I see clearly that it has even infected my work at YouTube. I have been obsessed with likes, views and subscriptions. Why? So I could monetize my channel. But the energy folks – the energy is what it is all about. No matter how scientifically minded you might be, to where this idea of energy seems like some New Age pseudo-science garbage, it doesn’t change the fact that the energy we put into something has a definite affect on the outcome we experience when we share it.

In simple terms, I put up these videos with an desperate, grasping, greedy energy of trying to get likes, subscriptions and views. That energy is the opposite of, and therefore repels, any abundant, loving and supportive energy. To make it even simpler… The energy I have put into the videos I have uploaded so far is the opposite of the things I want from from these videos. It in fact pushes away the things I was hoping to get, that I want or even feel I need, from these videos.

You want scientific proof? I can give it to you. Bdubs, Grian – any and every currently and still successful YouTuber have one thing in common. Go back to when they first uploaded content. There was never a mention of becoming a YouTube star. No constant attempts to get likes, subscriptions and views. All of them – EVERY SINGLE ONE – are just enjoying themselves and sharing that with the world. I don’t think you could find a single exception. I have been watching these guys for weeks now, how they started out, trying to figure out what the secret is, and it has been staring me in the face the whole time. Until last night I was incapable of seeing it.

What I have learned is that if I want to become a successful YouTuber I have to stop trying to become a successful YouTuber. I have to stop creating content with the energy of, “I want” behind it. I know if I were to try to cook something with that same energy it would be nowhere near as good as when I cook things JUST FOR THE LOVE OF COOKING, AND SHARING IT WITH LOVED ONES! The energy you put into a thing affects its outcome. You can call that a Universal Law.

If I want to be successful at YouTube, I have to let that go, first thing, as well as my attachment to money and aversion to not having it. Then I just need to record videos for the joy of it, the pleasure I get from that, or editing them, or both, and the desire to share what I am enjoying with others. Any other motivation is guaranteed to fail. That’s just the way it is.

The content you enjoy online the most is stuff the folks are doing because they enjoy it, they love it, and they just want to share their enjoyment of it and love for it with you. If you can find any examples that prove me wrong comment below with a link. But I think I am seeing it clearly.

This even ties in with flow VS force, another thing I have learned intellectually and actually experienced. I have been using too much force trying to make things happen in my life that I want. Affirmations to reprogram me for abundance. Creating content for YouTube in the hopes of striking it big. I am sure I have encountered resistance, and instead of allowing myself to be aware of it I pushed through. I can’t even clearly see any instances of it now. But if I were to think about it, I am sure I would find some.

Off the top of my head, the fact I struggled so hard to edit a video last week. It was just really hard, and I am fairly certain that this was resistance. Had I been aware and in the right mindset I would have stopped and addressed it. It wasn’t flowing for me to edit that video. It goes behind creative resistance that may come in the form of Writer’s Block. Or maybe that is what Writer’s Block really is. It is a warning sign that you are trying to push through when you need to stop, course correct, and find another route. I will have to think on this.

The question is can I apply, and keep applying, what I have learned here, all I have realized, and change the energy with which I have been creating content for YouTube, and to a greater extent, with which I have been living my life? The energy I have been applying to my experience of life as a whole? Because until I change it, my experience of life will not change, and I will continue to fail at YouTube, or any creative endeavor for that matter.

I leave this post as a record and a reminder. I have work to do…

Why Is That Undesired, Unwanted Thing In My Life?

So I have taken it upon myself to help care for my parent’s 15+ year old dog. She drools, she has bad breath, she has mommy issues and separation anxiety, and she has little if any control over her bowels. Oh and she can’t really walk too well. The simple solution is to put her down right? Ever heard of parents wanting to put down their sickly human child? No? Well some parents have “fur babies”, and Amy, (Stinkerbell as I call her), is both my mom and dad’s fur baby. They have discussed putting her down, but it is more likely we are stuck dealing with her literal shit until she finally dies. Shouldn’t be long now, God willing!

I get angry and frustrated with Amy. Why? There is a root in fear somewhere – maybe that taking care of her means I will have less time to do the things I want to do? I don’t know if I ever wrote about that, but anytime you are feeling anger or frustration there is a fear of some need or other not being met at the heart of it. Anyhow, I realized something as I was helping Amy up for the umpteenth time (I am so tired of staring at doggy ass!) Amy is a symptom of some sort of cause in my life. In other words, even if I were to kill her, or she were to die, or my parents were to put her down, she would simply be replaced by something else. Amy is a physical representation of some sort of symptom of some sort of cause that I have to address in my life. In other words, I created this experience for myself, and Amy is just playing the role I have assigned her, at some level outside my conscious awareness. So if I want to be free of Amy, I have to free myself from whatever it is she represents – whatever cause she is a symptom of.

As I thought about this, I realized that EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING in my life that I don’t want – every experience, interaction, etc is all drama I have created for myself. The people, doggies, mosquitoes or anything else – even issues with my computer or all this crap I have to do for my mom on her computer – IT IS ALL SIMPLY PLAYING THE ROLE I HAVE ASSIGNED IT. This isn’t a decision made with conscious awareness obviously. It comes of old beliefs, feelings, ideas, perspectives and so forth that have become habitual and are running on auto-pilot in the background. What I need is a Task Manager that can trace back each process to its cause so I can terminate it. But as that does not exist (at least as far as I know) all I can do is practice placing my awareness on my anger, my frustration or any other negative feeling or form of resistance I may be feeling. Only in awareness can these old habits be noticed and then broken.

So… What form is Amy taking in your life? What is it you are going through that you want to be free of? What experiences are you having that you do not want, or outright hate? Ask yourself what beliefs, feelings or perspectives you may have habitually had that has manifested this in your life. Start placing your awareness on any negative feelings or resistance that may come up when you are dealing with your Amy. I gotta do the same. Because I am loosing patience, and the one thing all our elders need is our patience. How could we care for them otherwise?

Another Issue with Taking The Victim Role

So as I am sure I have mentioned before I am working my way through ACIM (A Course In Miracles.) Today I read something that, essentially, said that when we take any sort of victim stance (excluded, rejected, hurt, offended, etc.) we make our brother, also referred to as the son of God, guilty of doing that to us. It is an attempt to mix two dissimilar things – I can’t quite recall their names. I am still working this out in my mind. Anyway that is what the ego does. It attempts to make what is unreal or illusory real.

The fact is that your brother (this meaning any other fellow human) is a Son of God and is as innocent as you are. Any attempt to make them guilty of anything also, inevitably, makes you guilty as well. It occurs to me that the other problem with taking a victim stance is that not only are you playing the role of a victim, which disempowers you, you are also victimizing the one or ones you are making the victimizers. Because, like you, they are actually innocent.

I know this is hard to grasp, but I will try to paint the picture another way. To be excluded, left out or rejected takes, at a minimum, two parties. You, the excluded, left out and rejected one, and the others who have, in the reality you are making, excluded, left out or rejected you. They become guilty, you become innocent, so it seems in your perception. The same if you are beaten, robbed or raped. The same if you are cursed at or given the cold shoulder. Any treatment you deem undesirable that you receive requires two parties, one party will perpetuate the act, the other the act is perpetuated on.

Now this will disturb you, but even when we are talking about genocidal acts – the Jews being killed en masse by the Nazis – the Jewish people had their part in creating the atrocities they experienced The Jewish people placed the Nazis in the role of the victimizers, making the Nazis guilty and the Jewish people innocent. But the truth, at a soul level, the truth beyond the ego and the body it thinks of as itself, is that all are innocent, pure Sons of God, and to put anyone in the role of a victimizer is to victimize them.

When you play the part of the victim you disempower yourself, and you disempower those who are playing the roles of your victimizers. Both states, victim and victimizer, exist only in perception. There is a silent, unstated mutual agreement here. You put on the mask of the victim, they put on the mask of the victimizer, but these are only masks, not the true individual underneath. At any time you could take off your victim mask and put on a victimizer mask. Likely you already have, many times. And your victimizere can take off their victimizer masks and become the victims. But as I said, these are only masks, only roles we play, NOT The true actors.

An example drawn from my own life… I am working very hard at becoming a successful YouTuber, and my main work is in playing Minecraft, creating videos for it. But I see now I have fallen into a trap of my own making. Because I have placed YouTube in the role of the victimizer – making it hard for poor me, a struggling YouTuber, to succeed. And I have placed players I enjoy watching, players I respect, into victimizer roles, making me the excluded, ignore and left out one. When I realized this I also realized I didn’t want to do that. As I said I respect these guys – I want to be their friend – I do not want them to be my enemy.

The truth of the matter, at least as far as this server I wish to be a part of is concerned. is that these guys have little if any knowledge of me. How can I blame them for excluding or ignoring me when they likely do not even know I exist? This drama exists only in my head. It is coming directly from the ego, I am sure. If I want to be a part of this server, if I want to become friends with these guys, then I have to climb up to their level, not drag them down to mine. I have to keep working hard at Minecraft and become the best builder and YouTuber I can. If any opportunities come to collaborate or join others in the Minecraft community on a project, I need to jump in there. The question is, “How can I contribute? What can I do?” instead of “What can they do for me?”

I need to do this with my whole heart, even if I am never noticed, even if I never get to be a part of this server. Make that my goal, my intention, work towards reaching it in whatever ways it flows into my life to do so, but let go of any expectations – any idea or thought that anyone owes me anything. I have to be unattached from the outcome. Let go of any demanded or expected result. Just enjoy myself – that is the biggest key. If Minecraft (and making videos for it) is my passion, then pursue that relentlessly. If it isn’t, find what is my passion and go after that. The burden and responsibility for whatever I think of as success lies solely on me – nobody else. It is time for me to stop making myself the victim, and to stop making others the victimizers. It is time for me to stop disempowering myself, and in so doing, disempower others.

I am not sure exactly how to go about all of this. I don’t know how things will play out. I am struggling with my mindset every day. There is a lot of work I need to do internally, and in applying myself to whatever my passion is, which in this case seems to be Minecraft. I can’t let things get me down as I have before. I can’t keep telling myself disempowering, unsupportive stories like, “YouTube is flooded with Minecrafters” or “You aren’t good enough” or “You came into Minecraft too late” or” All the OG Minecrafters have either left or don’t care about you” or “You’re too old”, etc. My focus has to be on doing what I enjoy and am passionate about. I need to have a dream, a vision, I am working toward, but I also have to be able to freely let go of it as needed. And I also have to trust that the Universe will provide me with what I have envisioned, its equivalent, or something better.

So… How about you? Is there anyone you need to release from the victimizer role? Do it now. By freeing them you also free yourself.

6-10-2021 – Failing, But Still Trying

I am sorry, but I am failing to get at least one blog post out a week. I made this commitment at least to myself, if I didn’t mention it here, but I can honestly say I do not recall if I did. Still the intention remains, and I am here now, writing. Not sure what exactly I want to write about. All I know is I want to write. So here I am.

I suppose some updates are needed. I started a GoFundMe for my parents, at the advice of one of the people living here with us: https://www.gofundme.com/f/please-help-my-parents-michael-joan-buy-a-home

I have also gone in another direction with Patreon, but feel it is not enough.. It irks me, because to be an artist’s Patron means that you support them as they work on their art. The artist is not expected to offer incentives for this. But that is precisely what Patreon expects. Or at least in my perception it is. I should be able to offer a $5 or $10 single tier that is just providing support for my work, and expect to receive support. I shouldn’t have to offer anything. But, as far as I can tell, this is not how it works.

When Patreon works it works EXTREMELY well. I know one user, doing shaders for Minecraft, who is getting $50,000 a month. A MONTH. And they haven’t even done anything since December 2020! To me it looks like if you have something you are doing that people are interested in, or that they want, or even if you have an established thing you have been providing people with, THEN you will succeed at Patreon. If you have a large YouTube following, that is the thing you have been providing people with. Your content. You will succeed as well. I think 50K is not the average, but I do believe that average is 10K a month.

So if you are someone who has a lot of YouTube followers, or who has been making content for a game for a long time that is heavily downloaded, then you will do very well at Patreon. Start a campaign and don’t miss out in this opportunity. If you don’t already have a Patreon, or some equivalent, get one.

All this to say I am failing, but still trying. Failing to get anywhere at YouTube, still making content. Failing to write consistently here, still trying. What’s funny is I have an audience here. But it is a 99.9% silent one. I know people are following me, coming to my articles, maybe even reading them. If I had the same amount of activity at YouTube I would be able to monetize my channel. If I had the same amount of activity at Patreon, with people actually subscribing, I would be earning enough a month to stand on my own AND help my parents. I guess interest at WordPress doesn’t translate into energy I could plug into one of my many needs. But that is OK.

You see I never started this blog to make money with it. Never had the intention of monetizing this blog. Hated to bring up Patreon when I finally did, but had to because I needed support. I needed to find some way to being in money, and had to try every avenue open to me. I still don’t want to monetize this blog. I might publish it someday independently. But that’s it. I just started writing here because I needed the outlet to express myself. Also I wanted to share some of my poetry.

In just a few weeks I do not know what my situation will be. My parents and I still have not found a place to rent. Or rather we have found a lot of places to rent, and my dad has been trying to get someone on the phone, but nobody is returning his calls. It is a very unprofessional area over here, as far as I can tell. I mean our current landlord, I am ashamed to say who shares my first name, is raising the rent during COVID. Yes, we are coming out of it. But you don’t raise the rent on a house infested with carpenter ants, a falling apart exterior and bad wiring, to $3500 a month, during a time when everyone’s wallet is tighter than… Tighter than… OK, no publicly acceptable analogies here. But you get my point.

It doesn’t look good. I am trying to help my dad find a place, but yet again I am failing, yet still trying. Either some people are just destined to succeed. They work no harder than me, yet are rewarded better. Or I am doing something incorrectly. I am trying to fix this machine called success with no instructions, no manual, only my gut, heart and intuition to guide me. Others around me have theirs up an humming. I can’rt even get mine to start. Could anyone blame me if I just gave up? Honestly?

That’s it for now. I will TRY to see you again next week. Or earlier. Ya’ll are due some poetry. Enough of the doom and gloom. That stuffs supposed to go my OTHER blog.

Our Mindsets Are Our Greatest Obstacles To Our Abundance

In a little over a month my parents and I will be homeless. Today I learned that one of the families staying here has found a place. I celebrated this, and shared it with my dad. I thought it would encourage him. I mean, if they could find a place, so can we. But he is stuck in a mindset that you have to have money to buy a house. The fact that this couple had money enough to purchase this place seems to confirm that for him. He has no money set aside. I tell him about Downpayment Assistance, but it is like he doesn’t hear me. He usually starts in with his other mind-rut – his credit history.

As we travel around the area I see houses being built. I see subdevelopments that are filled with occupied houses. And I know that statistically speaking, not all of these people had money enough for a down payment. I know of one man who is renting a place, without a job, without any known income, and with a drinking/substance abuse problem. HE has a roof over his head. I point this out to my dad, but it goes right OVER his head. If it isn’t the chestnut, the same old saw, of this man having money from the sale of a house its this man has better credit.

It occurs to me that the people all around us are in a variety of monetary situations. Some have no money at all and no employment. But some of those folk are living happily in their own houses, while others from this same group are living in a homeless camp somewhere. On the other side of the coin there are those with plenty of money and/or a good paying job, who are living on the side of the road, even as some of that same group are enjoying nice new houses. The only thing separating these people is their mindset – the set of their minds. What they allow themselves to have and what they believe they deserve. That’s it.

I honestly don’t think money plays as big a role in getting a house as we are generally programmed from childhood to believe. There are people living in penthouses in New York who do little if any work, and it isn’t because they have a trust fund or come from money. Just as their are artists, dancers and singers working two jobs as they try to get their foot in the door. I am certain that as long as my dad doesn’t honestly and truly believe that he deserves a house, as long as he doesn’t allow himself to have one at any level in his mind, he will not be able to get a house. His fate, and by proxy, mine, is sealed, were I to cast my lot in with his.

I can’t do that anymore. I honestly believe I deserve my own house, my own space. I have worked hard all my life, and if that was any real metric whereby eligibility were granted, the scales would have to be tipped in my favor. I also want one, and am doing my damn best to allow myself to have one. Even without any income – only the future possibility of becoming a well-paid YouTuber, the goal I am working towards right now. The problem is I am infected by the same mind-virus, the same meme, as my father. I contracted the fucking thing from him. I caught myself later in the day, just a little earlier this evening, thinking about how I lost a subscriber at YouTube and doubting that I will ever make it as a YouTuber.

I realized it then and I see it very clearly now that as long as I do not allow myself to “have” success at YouTube, as long as a doubt myself and do not feel I deserve it, or am worthy of it, I will never have it. Ever. I am doomed to fail – in fact I failed before I even got started! I was advised to start a GoFundMe for my folks. Try to raise money to get them a house. I see now that it is useless for me to do so if I continue to think, basically that, “well I can put it up but I don’t think it will do any good.” If I put it up with that mindset, that belief, it will not succeed. That’s all there is to it. I am sabotaging myself and my parents.

I won’t belabor this but to put it bluntly I don’t think I will survive this. I have been fighting this bullshit for a long time now. I can’t seem to get out on the other side. I can’t seem to cure myself of this disease, free myself from this thing that both holds me down and keeps me back. But there is one thing I can do, maybe the only thing of any value I have ever done, and that is to warn you. Buying into the beliefs that were programmed into you since childhood by your authority figures, parents and religion is a dead-end road. You are marching a straight and narrow road from the cradle to the grave. You will have been born only to live a miserable life and then die. It doesn’t have to be that way, but must be as long as you believe it.

Now this may not be a belief you are consciously aware of. How often have you listened to the things you tell yourself? I mean REALLY LISTENED? Is your self-talk supportive or not? Friend or foe or frenemy (foe in disguise.) Are you allowing yourself to do the things you care about or have a passion for? Are you of the mindset that there is only so much to go around and you have to get yours before someone else does, or do you believe in an abundant universe? What are you allowing yourself to experience and to have? A house? A happy marriage? Work that speaks to you or that you can at least tolerate? Do you have money enough to live the kind of life you want to have? How do you feel when you look at something you want and say, “I now allow myself to have this, or something like it.” What kind of people have you surrounded yourself with? If you express some risk you want to take, do they support you or try to stop you?

Don’t wait until it is too late, until those old mindsets, those old habitual patterns, are so deeply engraved that you just can’t find a way out. Break free, rock the boat, shake yourself loose. Stop following everyone single-file to the cemetery. Stop doing what others tell you, stop doing what others want you to do, stop living for others. I have said it before that if you do not fill your cup, you will have nothing to give anyone else. You gotta find your path, and you will know when you are on it, because your old beliefs, your old ways of thinking, will just fall away. You will find real and lasting happiness there. Your life is not something meant to be endured. It is meant to be enjoyed. You are here to experience life and all the Universe has to offer joyfully. Open yourself up to that idea.

The only thing standing between you and something you want are your beliefs and mindset – the habitual way you think. Change your mind and you change your life. Different ways of thinking open up different experiences and options. What are you allowing yourself to experience and to have? Is it what you really want, deep down inside? Take a moment and listen to what that still small voice inside is whispering. The sooner you get started, the easier it will be to choose a way of thinking that supports you and opens you up to new possibilities. You know what happens when you stay entrenched? Literally in a trench? You will either starve to death or you get taken out by enemy fire. Nobody who has ever stayed in a trench, never leaving, has survived.

I fucked up. I tried and quit piano, though I enjoyed it. I tried and quit singing, even though deep inside I want to sing, I want to free my voice without fear or shame. I tried drawing, and despite the fact I have proof I can draw, I still don’t consider myself to be any good at it. I tried mapping for games I enjoyed playing, and quit when I compared my work to others and came up short. I tried programming and couldn’t stick with it. I keep picking up writing and dropping it again. I start a story and quit a couple of chapters in. I tried to meet someone to share my life with, and have long since given up. In fact I went through my entire time at college without really socializing at all – or even trying. I am running hell-bent at YouTube because it is my last hope, and I think it actually might be.

DO NOT follow my example! DO BETTER! Your happiness, your life, literally depends on it!