Problem Solving VS Solution Discovery

In the wake of a realization I am in the habit of posting an article at my blog:

This helps me to work things out, share what I learn and, ideally, help others at the same time. I can get things off my chest, in other words.

Well I had a realization the other day, and though I am not remembering its source I want to share it with you. Last quarter one of my “classes” was CTEC 290, if I recall the number correctly. Working at the Penguin Help Desk, a service of free technical support and computer repair that the college provides the community. I had a lot of credits that quarter and I remember I was constantly exhausted. Looking back I think I see part of the reason why.

It has become my recently adopted belief that, to quote Abraham through Esther Hicks, “We get what we ask for whether we want it or not.” Our asking comes from our focus. Where we are putting our energy. If our energy and focus is on something we do not want, such as cancer, we will bring cancer into our lives in some way. If instead we put our energy and focus on something we want, such as perfect health, we bring perfect health into our lives.

There is a time delay as our request comes into the physical world. So if we catch ourselves we can consciously choose to focus on what we want instead of what we don’t want, and change what we are drawing to us.

Let me give you an example from my personal life… When I worked PHD last quarter we were overwhelmed with laptops that had software issues. Not only that, many of the laptops had the same issues and were even the same model! Naturally there was a lot of complaining about this. None of us wanted to be fixing laptops, especially laptops with software issues. We all wanted to be doing something more interesting, like upgrading computers.

I can not speak for my co-workers, only give you my response. I would sit down with a laptop for hours at a time, focusing on the issue or problem it had, trying to fix it. I put an enormous amount of energy into this, and I am convinced now that is part of the reason why I was so exhausted by the time I went home I literally passed out on the bus almost as soon as I sat down. I fought with some sort of sickness all quarter and sometimes couldn’t even walk straight.

Because I put so much effort, energy and focus into problem solving, which I used to say I specialized in, I received more laptops with software problems, and in my cases the same issues with new twists that I had to solve. To put it simply, I complained about how high the mountain was at the same time I was dumping millions of tons of additional material on it. I kept climbing to the top and never reached the summit!

I realize my mistake now. I identified myself as a problem solver. I saw this as something I enjoy doing, and I do. But the tendency is to focus, in minute detail, on the problem, instead its solution. Additionally if you are someone who likes to problem solve, whenever a problem arises, you habitually seek to fix it. One thing I had learned before last quarter is that I can not fix everyone’s problems. For every one I fix, there will be another.

This is mostly in reference to my parents and our living situation. Nobody at college knows this as I don’t talk about it, but I live in a 40′ motorhome with my parents parked on some land about an hour from the campus. We have no hot water, as the hot water heater died. The toilet broke so that had to be replaced. The sink broke so that had to be replaced. The front heater is broken and has to be replaced, and the rear heater may soon follow. Also we have no direct access to sewage hookup, and water gets to us through a hose, which can and did freeze occasionally during the winter. As for the sewage, we take it by bucket to a dumping access pipe by the house of the people whose land we stay on.

Of course the problems don’t end with the RV. There are bills to pay, phones that must be upgraded (no room left in their internal memory) and general arguments between my parents. I used to play mediator and referee. But I came to understand something. That my parents have their own lives to live, and have to work their own shit out, pardon the swearing. But the word is apt in this case.

As I have lived in this situation I have also come to see that no matter how much money I give them for bills, or how many bills I help cover, or how many things I get fixed on the RV, more things will crop up. Because it is not about me. These are things my parents have put their energy and focus into. The bills. The RV. So they have to work things out for themselves, learn what they put themselves into this situation to learn, and I have to do the same.

Now, in addition to this, I see that in problem solving, the focus is on a problem that must be solved. In troubleshooting the focus is on trouble that is being avoided. Through my work at PHD I was far too focused on the problems that had to be solved. I put all my energy and focus into them. Instead I should have been focused on solutions. Solution focused, not problem focused. Solution oriented, not problem oriented. I must be, and am now practicing and training myself to be, a “Solution Finder” or “Solution Discoverer” instead of a problem solver. I like the phrase “Solution Discovery” best. From now on, when listing my interests and strengths, I will use solution discovery instead of problem solving.

There is a lot of resistance to the idea in New Thought and Law of Attraction teachings of focusing on what you want, what you desire, what makes you feel good. Either people think this is lazy or selfish. Here is what I am convinced is true… Had I been focused on the solution for each computer that came into PHD, accepting each one as it came to me, but visualizing in my mind’s eye it working perfectly and the customer happily picking it up, there would have been few laptops with software issues coming my way, and I would not have worn myself out trying to fix an almost never-ending mountain of problems

Furthermore, if I had visualized customers coming to the help desk asking us to upgrade or build computers for them, we would have had more computers to build and upgrade. But most important of all, I would have felt better. Even if things were exactly the same, if my attitude and mindset, my energy and focus, had been on the solution or desired outcome, as well as my desired experience, I would have felt better. You can’t put a price on that. Let others think what they will. I will use the opportunities I have to practice new ways of thinking, because as far as I am concerned the old ways of thinking are not to my benefit, and they do not work.

But unfortunately, probably much like the others, my thought process every time I saw a laptop come in was something like, “Oh no! Another laptop with software issues!” I was a good worker and am a good student. I put my nose on that grindstone and left it there until there was nothing left. But that sucked a lot of enjoyment out of the experience and left me emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and weak. I almost wish I could take the class again and, this time, get it right.

I know there is a difference in what happened when I was at the PHD and what is happening now. They have far less computers at PHD right now. Some would likely say that it’s the quarter, that it is just slow. But I see a definite difference in the types of things happening in the help desk now than from when I worked there. Different people, different energy and focus, different experiences. End of story.

As I have been given the opportunity to sort of supervise the help desk, I will, from this moment on, focus on the solution or desired outcome for anything that comes my way. I am no longer putting any energy or focus on problems. I am now directing all my energy and effort toward solutions and desired outcomes. On whatever it is that makes me feel better when I think about it. If whatever I am thinking about does not make me feel good, I am, from now on, stopping and choosing to change my thoughts about the subject to what feels good.

It will be interesting to see what effect this has, not only on me, but also for those currently working the help desk.



Death and Sickness

This post should be considered a sort of work in progress. Thoughts in development, inspired by the chapter, “Immortality in the Flesh” in Prentice Mulford’s, “Thoughts Are Things.”

Now I don’t know about you, but whenever I get sick the mentality is that there is something wrong. I am not super negative about it. But I assume that physical dis-ease is a symptom of an energetic cause. In other words, there is something inside of me that is focused in the wrong direction, and I have drawn sickness into my experience.

If you study a lost of books on cancer, and obsess about cancer, and collect all sorts if medical information in cancer; if you basically fear either yourself or someone you love getting cancer, cancer will likely come into your life experience.

This happens, according to the teachings of Abraham (and others), because when you focus on something – anything at all – that is essentially the same as asking for it. So if you focus on what is not wanted, if what you are dwelling on and thinking about doesn’t make you feel good, if you are trying to push something away out of fear, as far as the Universe is concerned you are requesting it. You can’t ask to be healthy if you are always feeling sick or worried about being sick. Your focused is on sickness, not on health.

It is those things to which you direct the largest amount of energy or focus that you draw to you. The more you don’t want something, the more energy or focus you have on that thing you do not want. It’s like you have shone a spotlight on it, and the Universe, constantly searching for the things you want, sees that and immediately sets to work bringing that to you.

But there is a time delay, because the energy of whatever you have drawn to you has to come into the physical world, so you can, when you realize you don’t feel good about whatever it is you were dwelling on or thinking about it, direct your attention to something that feels better. Just whatever feels even slightly better than whatever it is you were dwelling on and thinking about, and in this way, bit by bit, you can move that spotlight onto you something you feel good about, that you truly want.

I hope I am making this clear enough… OK, so there are some things you are shining a spotlight on without thinking about them at all. You short of adopt or inherit these things. One of these things is the belief that all things must and will die. That to not die is somehow abhorrent, evil, unnatural or wrong. Also that everything gets sick, and getting sick is this awful, bad terrible thing.

But let’s set that aside for a moment and say that both of these are untrue. Let’s say that death is actually not natural. Let’s go a step further and say there is no death. Bear with me. Let’s also say that sickness may be natural, but is actually a good thing. Turn both of these beliefs on their ear.

Even if both of these ideas are proven to be wrong, it is good practice for you to challenge everything you assume to be the truth. Instead of accepting things unquestioningly, maybe we should learn to question more and accept less. Why exactly are we so attached to these adopted and inherited beliefs, that we most likely never sat down for a moment and took the time to think about whether or not we wanted to accept them in the first place?

Still with me? Good. So let’s just acknowledge, accept, embrace, release then let go of all our former beliefs about death, dying and sickness. We can always pick them back up again later, if we decide we really want to. And this is good practice as well. Now you are making a conscious decision as to what you will accept as the truth, what you will believe.

Maybe sickness is actually a sort of cleansing process. Maybe there are things in you at an energetic level that you are shedding, for lack of a better word. Just as you shed dead skin, hair and other “physical” material, maybe you shed energetic material too. Like a tree shedding its winter leaves before new spring growth. That is one illustration that Prentice Mulford uses.

Maybe as we grow and develop as human beings, we shed old beliefs, old ways of thinking, old thought patterns. Maybe as we grow as people there are growing pains, and these translate physically as various illnesses. If this is so then my current belief, that I have consciously chosen to adopt for now, is correct. That belief is, as I have stated before, that all physical symptoms have an energetic cause.

So our first step is to take this new belief for a test drive. The next time we experience illness, we immediately think of it as a cleansing or growing process. We are shedding something, getting rid of something, and making room for something new. Sickness is not something we will ever desire to seek out, but when it happens we know that it is a good thing. It is not to be feared, there is no need to fight or resist it (that would make it stronger), and we can’t run away from it (it stays with you.)

Instead we do the same with the sickness as we do for everything we feel. This has become one of my practices. When I have a bunch of things I am feeling that I need to work through I Acknowledge them, accept them, embrace them then release them and let them go. I allow myself to feel them as long as I need to feel them, then I release those feelings and let them go. I retain no negative feelings or any feelings that feel bad.

When we are sick we can do exactly the same thing. Acknowledge the sickness, accept it, embrace it, release it then let it go. Let ourselves be sick as long as we need to be sick, then release the sickness and let it go. Our focus, our spotlight, is on feeling energetic, good and strong. There is no thought of dis-ease, illness or sickness. If such thoughts come we follow the steps already outlined: A.A.E.R.L.G. Acknowledge. Accept. Embrace. Release. Let Go.

Now let’s take this a stet further… Let’s use this same process whenever we think of death. Whether we are thinking of someone we love dying or our own death. A.A.E.R.L.G. The same with any beliefs we have about aging, death, dying. Toss them out with the rest of the trash. A.A.E.R.L.G. anytime they come up. From this moment on, I make this commitment, and you can make it with me:

“I no longer believe that aging, death or dying is is inevitable or natural. No matter what I see around me or in the mirror. Despite any evidence to the contrary. No matter what anyone does or says. As far as I am concerned, here and now, in this moment, my physical body can be as energetic, healthy, strong and young as I wish it to me. No matter how many times it has orbited around the sun. I will leave this world only when I am good and ready. It could be tomorrow, it could be 100 tomorrows from now. Against all my former beliefs to the contrary, I choose when I will leave this world, and I choose how my body functions and looks while I am here.”

Print this out, sign your name underneath. Whenever the old beliefs come up, refer back to it. Those beliefs are like a groove in a record. It is very easy for you to play them over and over again, as you have played them for years. With what we have done here we have created a new groove, and that will have to be played over and over, until it is natural for them to play instead of the old groove.

Unlike a record, where the grooves are essentially permanent, the belief-grooves in our mind correspond to pathways in our brain. As we play this new groove, as it gets deeper and more firmly impressed, the old groove fades away, and the mental pathways in the mind and brain change and re-route to this new way of thinking. You are, figuratively and literally, changing your mind about aging, death and dying, as well as dis-ease, illness and sickness.

On being born you we kind of like an etch-a-sketch. Those who raised you sketched out an idea of who you would be. As you grew older you adopted and inherited many of their beliefs and “mind grooves.” After all they could only play for you, through the entirely of how they raised you, the grooves they had in their own minds. Once you grew old enough to start creating your own “mind grooves”, the responsibility remained with you to shake that etch-a-sketch up and sketch out a design for yourself of who you would be. But most if not all of us have simply accepted the sketch from those who raised us. A few of us have tried to draw your own sketch over it. But far too few, if any of us, have simply erased the old sketch and drawn something new.

With what I have shared here you can now do that, in regards to your thoughts concerning dis-ease, illness, sickness as well as aging, death and dying.

Love is the Answer

No, I am not going to start singing some old song like, “Love is all you need…” This post isn’t about the mushy stuff or the head-in-the-clouds stuff. Although why so many of us want to run screaming from the room whenever the subject of love comes up should be examined…

No, this is about some things I have picked up since reading some more of Rhonda Byrne’s, “The Power.” You need to read this book. Seriously. Just set aside your opinions about “New Age” or “New Thought” or the teacher herself. She is only a channel, one way this information is coming into our world. And I don’t mean in a mediumistic sense. I mean in the sense like a channel of water. Consider this teacher’s work to be one channel, flowing from Source, bringing us some important pieces of the overall spiritual puzzle.

There’s a bit in there about love, and after reading it, I spent some time just writing down the things I appreciate and love about my life. My focus on just these two feelings. What do I truly love in my love? What do I appreciate in my life? I felt compelled to do this because I was experiencing some sort of flu-like sickness, had a terrible headache and wanted to feel better. Strangely enough, after doing this simple exercise, I did.

It ties together with bits and pieces I have gleaned from other spiritual texts. There’s the Law of Attraction stuff from Abraham, teaching me that what I focus on is what I draw to me, and what I give out I receive. A lot of the other stuff I can’t seem to get a handle on. I mean I understand it, but nothing really clicked, until I read that bit in Byrne’s book and then things began to click.

I have posted before about how alien and isolated I feel. I realized today, and it’s been developing over the last few days, that I have created this experience for myself. I created it because I have been pushing people away. I realized that when I look at someone, I am immediately, unconsciously until today looking at what I perceive to be their flaws, basically trying to find a reason not to like them. Not with everyone, but with many of the people I encounter.

The issue is that the energy I emanate when I look at someone with non-acceptance brings into my life the experience of non-acceptance. I am not as open and accepting as I thought myself to be. I have been subtly pushing people away, giving out the energy of pushing away, and receiving the energy of being pushed away in return.

So you see, I have been isolating myself, by constantly finding reasons to push people away. They may not consciously feel that energy from me, but everyone is responding to it. Everything and everyone we perceive to be outside of us and separate from us is consistently and constantly responding to us, to whatever it is we are giving out, and whatever we are giving out, that is what we are receiving.

Criminals don’t get caught because they are stupid, and the police overall aren’t exceptionally intelligent. Criminals get caught because they literally draw or magnetize those circumstances, events and people to them that will catch them. Their overriding thought is, “I don’t want to get caught.” The focus is on catching, or being caught. The Universe responds by arranging and orienting everything in their lives to match catching or being caught.

If you could somehow rob a bank without a lack or limitation mindset, and with no fear or guilt, you will never be caught. But the instant you start feeling guilty, or worrying about the police catching up to you, the snare is set, and you are stuck in it. Eventually you will be caught, if you continue to feel fear or guilt. If you continually practice letting go of your fear and guilt however, you will remain uncaught.

If you entertain any sort of lack or limitation mindset, thinking that there is not enough to go around,m or you don;’t have enough, etc., you will find yourself needing to steal again, because the money you have stolen will have seemed to fly away from you. This is another trap, and it is unlikely you would steal in the first place without this way of thinking. You have to stop thinking in that way if you want the money to last, to be enough.

The longer you feel fear the closer and quicker that which you fear comes to you. The longer you feel guilty the closer and quicker the inevitable punishment comes to you. The more you think there is not enough the more not enough you experience. The more you find yourself, or others, lacking, the more you and others will be found lacking in your own perception.

This last was my trap. I realized I need to find things I truly appreciated or loved about everyone I encountered. I had to stop pushing people away because I was not interested, or they were too fat, or I didn’t like how they looked, etc. Yesterday I came to understand that to attract “the one I am with” into my life I had to think about all the things she has that I love about her. Her long hair, beautiful smile, graceful movements, lithe body, etc. Though I have not yet met this person in the flesh, my positive focus in this way is ever drawing her into my life.

I don’t have to force myself to say, “Hi” to everyone I meet. I don’t have to throw myself into uncomfortable social situations. I don’t have to game anyone. I don’t have to work hard at anything. I just need to be myself and think about what I want instead of what I don’t want. I just need a positive focus on what I want, and I get that by thinking about all the things I love or appreciate about something, whether it is real or just something I envision in my mind’s eye.

I have practiced my whole life a way of acting, being and thinking that criticizes and judges others, that pushes those I perceive to be not wanted or not acceptable away. It’s so easy to do, and I think we all do it to some extent. Who wants to have any thoughts of acceptance or love for the dirty, wrinkly, disgusting looking (and smelling) person a few seats from you on the bus? But somehow, in some way, we have to find something about them we appreciate it, and practice appreciation and love instead of criticism and judgment. Otherwise we will remain depressed, friendless, isolated and lonely. We don’t have to talk to this person. We just have to practice a different way of reacting to and thinking about them.

Thinking about the things we desire, the things we want, isn’t as simple as just thinking about them. That’s one place I got stuck. It turns out we need to have a positive energy towards the things we desire. We have to have a positive focus in order to draw these things to us. So now matter how much we think about our desire for friends, now matter how much we may visualize being in our idea friendships, if in our daily lives we are criticizing and judging those we encounter, we will never have the friendships for which we long.

Is it falling into place for you now? Making sense? I hope so. That is my intention here. It helps me to share these things I have realized, to work them out here. In giving understanding I receive understanding. That’s why some teachers are constantly earnings new things as they teach. You give knowledge you receive knowledge. But don’t forget that to make a clear path from Source into your life experience you must have positive energy and focus, and this is easy to practice just by focusing on what you appreciate or love.

Folding The String

I just feel I have to write something in my blog today. Share some important realizations and get a few things off my chest…

Imagine an ant travelling along a very long string. Where I used to live I could see the bigger carpenter ants using the power lines from a tree to the house. It was not a fast journey. It will take the ant a long time.

Now imagine folding the sting, bringing the two ends together. The ant can now walk from one end to the other, and when the string is stretched back out the ant has crossed the entire distance in a fraction of the time.

This isn’t just some sort of science or physics lesson. It isn’t really about ants and strings. Or power lines. It’s just that I realized something important on the bus the other day.

The theory, still not entirely accepted or proven by science, is that everything, when you zoom in far enough, is energy. Everything is made of energy, everything is connected to everything and everyone else. We experience things as being separate, but that just has something to do our beliefs, perceptions and our unique vibratory frequency.

I realized that if this theory is true, then there is no separation between intellectually knowing something and having direct experience of it. I was thinking about how I felt there was a sort of block between knowing what I need to do in regard to the subject I was thinking about, and actually doing it. Something holding me back I have to resolve or work through.

But the energy behind the knowledge and its application or experience is exactly the same energy. There is no difference. There is no block. Physical distances, all physical constraints, do not exist outside the physical. Heck they may not even really exist inside it!

If I know something it is the same as applying it and the same as experiencing it. The string is already folded, the ends are already brought together. Any distance between me and my desire exists only in my imagination. Why not use my imagination to remove that distance?

Of course this is all built on the theory that everything is made of energy and connected. That there is only one energy. An analogy I like from the 30-day Meditation Project uses a glass bowl and sunlight. The light in the bowl is the same as the light from the sun. It just appears separate. The thickness of the glass represents the ego, or our sense of separation.

If this theory is true, and it seems to me that it is, then that explains how imagining something to be real in my life that is not yet physically apparent works. In reality the energy of my desiring and the thing I desire are exactly the same, even though I can’t see it at the moment, any more than an ant would be able to grasp something bringing two ends of a long string together. The ant just continues along, from where it was to where it wants to be.

In other words, if I desire something, then, at an energetic level, I already have it. Because everything is, at its core, energy. I just have to find a way to make this true for myself. Which is probably way books like, “The Secret” and “The Power” go into great detail about acting as if you already have something you want. I read these stuff and it just annoys me. But assuming it works, this is likely why.

I have to convince myself that the instant I desire anything I have it, even if it has not shown up in any sort of tangible form that I can experience or interact with. I have to somehow stop looking at the distance between me and my desires, and instead see my desire as existing here and now. All I have to do is accept it and I am there, where I want to be. Just like folding the string and bringing the ends together, stepping from one end to the other.

Maybe the ant, by the very act of desiring it, caused the two ends of the string to come together. Maybe I, by the very act of desiring it, can do something similar, bringing me and my desires together, eliminating the distance I currently perceive to be between us. The ant doesn’t spend any time at all thinking about how far away it is from its desire. It has its desire, and it moves towards it, causing the universe to set things in motion.

If an ant can do that, than I can do that, and you can do it too.

The Problem with Suicide

This is a subject that has been on my mind for some time now. I meant to come in here and write a post, but kept putting it off. I would like to say it is because I am too busy or something, and while that may be true, I am not sure I can honestly say that is the reason. Also I may have talked about this subject before. This post represents my current perspectives on it.

In our modern society, with the possible exceptions within certain cultures, suicide is looked on as something abhorrent. We don’t want to talk about it. We don’t want to support others in their choice of life termination. If you were to Google for a painless way to kill yourself, for some plant or something you could take so it wouldn’t hurt so much, you will find next to nothing.

That’s the other side of this whole thing. We want those who would choose to kill themselves to suffer. The Christian religion teaches that such people will go to hell. If someone came up to any medical professional and stated they wanted to kill themselves, and they wanted help, they would be locked away for an “overnight observation.” We simply can not fathom that anyone would want to do this. We can not accept it either.

If someone we know has killed themselves, we would be hard pressed not to feel affronted, hurt or offended by their actions. I have seen this issue from many different angles. From a friend who had a friend commit suicide, and how he (at that time he was a he) would not tolerate my then thoughts of killing myself. Giving me a guilt trip of how he had already gone through this. Then later I had someone I once called a friend kill herself.

Yes, initially I hurt. Why didn’t she talk to me about it? How could she, she was so happy with this young man she met online – he took her around the world. Then anger at her for doing such a stupid thing. But unlike my former male, former friend, I have come to accept what she did. I have come to see that it is indeed her choice, her right. I still wish I could have done something to help, so she wouldn’t have had to come to such a decision.

But now, if I had a friend come to me and say they were going to kill themselves, I know I would support them. Of course I would try to help them change their mind. I would do all I could without risking our friendship to get them to be absolutely certain about what they wanted to do. But if, after I had done all I could as their friend to help them reconsider their chosen course of action, they were still set in their course, I would assist them, help them, support them all I could.

Because you can’t honestly be a true friend to someone if you can’t respect their choices, if there is any limit in how far you will go for them. In this sense I have not been a true friend to my formerly-male friend. I was, and still am, unable to support them in their choice of gender change. So I speak only of ideals here, how I would prefer to be. The reality may be much different. We are all works in progress.

I have come to see that suicide is not a sin. It is not bad or wrong. If indeed we have reincarnated to these lives we now lead, and have chosen the initial circumstances and situations of our entry into this world, and if indeed this life is really a classroom where souls come to learn lessons they assign themselves, then suicide is just skipping class. Maybe we were not able to handle the lessons we were learning. I could no more judge a person for killing themselves than I would criticize a child for not going to school.

We expend far too much effort trying to control each other in a pointless, stupid attempt to find happiness in external circumstances. “If only she would do this…” “If only he would do that…” “If only they would do this…” “If only I could have that…” then I would be happy, then the world would be a better place, etc. Ridiculous! The world is perfect as it is, and each person is perfect as they are! There are no mistakes here, and no right or wrong, bad or good from all viewpoints outside the physical.

Still there is a problem with self-termination that I think it may be some help pointing out. Suicide is a very strong focus on what is not wanted. Think about that for a minute. Why do people kill themselves, or each other for that matter? Because there is something they don’t want. I know this to be true because the friend who killed herself did so because there was something she was experiencing she did not want to experience any longer. Her beliefs, her faith and religion, led her to believe that what she was experiencing was somehow evil, and this, so I was told, was why she killed herself. She has become one more victim, one of the millions since the start of recorded human history, to religious indoctrination.

It was the opposite for me. I did not kill myself, though I considered it many times, out of fear of going to hell. I had the same faith as my friend who killed herself. I don’t know how her fear of hell became less strong than her fear of what she was experiencing. I can only imagine the internal stresses that were likely going on inside her. It is one more reason why I want nothing to do with any religion. The last thing I need in my life are any beliefs that bring me fear, do not support me and try to control my behavior.

If my behavior were meant to be controlled, I would have been born with a remote! My parents could just press the Off button to send me to bed, and the On button to wake me up again. The Volume buttons to increase or decrease my volume. Change the channel if they didn’t like a particular behavior. Yes, I know this sounds silly but it demonstrates a solid point. We are born without a remote precisely because we are not meant to be controlled. We are human beings, not robots!

This is a classroom in the truest sense. There is nobody trying to steer us in any particular direction. We choose our own courses of action. We learn in the process of doing so. This is why we came here in the first place. Even the act of suicide teaches the non-physical aspect of us a lesson.

I don’t think suicide is a necessary course of action for anyone to pursue. Maybe some come into this world to experience it. But the majority of those considering suicide are too strongly focused on things they do not want, eventually driving them to do it. If they could focus as strongly on the opposite of whatever is driving them, maybe they could manifest whatever it is they want into the experience of their lives.

I know that for me I can no longer entertain the thought of suicide, even though I could certainly justify it, because when I am in that particular mindset I am unable to operate properly in the world. What I mean by that is that as long as I am thinking about suicide, I remain in a very dark and negative frame of mind. So it becomes very hard for me to be motivated. To care. I can’t smile or laugh. I can’t experience any happiness of joy. Most importantly of all I can not think about the things I want. The thoughts of suicide are just too big, they take up too much space. You can only be of one mind or the other, and that’s the main issue here.

Sure, it may make things easier, or at least it may seem like it would. And yes, whatever pain we are feeling would cease. But if life really is a classroom, and if our souls are really here in physical form to learn certain lessons, we are just going to keep coming back to the same issue, life after life, until we learn what we need to learn from it. It’s like restarting a race in a video game over and over again. How many times can you restart the race, playing the same section of tack, over and over, until you either quit the game or just let it go and allow yourself to proceed?

I know that may seem just as confining as any religious beliefs attempting to control your behavior. But there is no fear lurking in the background here. You focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want, because you enjoy life and the process of living more while you are focused on the things you want. If you withdraw and focus on what you do not want, living becomes very painful and unbearable. Why cause ourselves unnecessary pain? Aren’t we in enough pain already, to even be here, talking about this?

You are not alone. More than you realize. You are connected to every other being on this planet, this planet herself and even the entire universe. You are connected to the brightest stars in the sky and the darkest black holes. The energy of worlds is running through your physical body.

You are far more powerful than you realize. When you begin to think about the things you want with as much energy, focus, drive and passion as you are now focusing on what you don’t want and your ultimate response of suicide, you will, figuratively and literally, be able to move mountains. There is no limit to your power and the things you can do other than what you have set, or allow others to set for you.

So take all this energy you now have directed towards killing yourself, and put it on freeing yourself instead. Refuse to settle for anything less than the life you want to live, and then go out and live it. This is the very same process that I am learning, even now as I write this. May things be far easier for you!

You are also not alone in feeling alone. Feeling like you do not fit. That there is no place in this world for you. The simple truth is that if you shouldn’t be here, you wouldn’t be. The very fact that you are here means that you belong here and there is a place in this world for you.

Maybe you can’t get there in your mind yet. That’s OK. Just know that I know how you feel. I truly do – I am not just saying that. A few days ago I felt it so keenly. I feel like an alien. I see couples walking together, I watch people operating in the world, and I just don’t understand. I feel like there is some training I missed somewhere. I feel like everyone else knows how to be in the world except me. For me, everything feels so much harder, almost unnatural. I struggle. I want to say hi to other people, I want to make guy and gal friends. I want to have a girlfriend. But I am stymied by the whole process.

When I went to Sakura-Con, where people more like me were wandering around in the hundreds, I still felt completely alone, alien, like I did not fit in. I still feel even now that if I was normal, if I was like everyone else, I would have at the very least made some friends and possibly even gotten laid. Anime loves, video game lovers, geeks – these are the people to whom I most relate. And yet I still felt somehow different, separate – like I didn’t fit in, and my experiences at the Con reflected these feelings.

So I am not just another person talking out of my ass while I have a beautiful woman hanging off my arm, a couple of children, a nice house and all the other things we associate with someone who belongs, who fits into the world. No, I am writing this alone, living in an RV with my parents, soon to graduate next year, having made far too few friends during my year at college, and not having any idea what the hell I am going to do after I graduate and where the hell I am going to go. And I am far, far too old to be having these feelings. Everyone else my age, almost without exception, has a family and a place where they belong… A house, a home.

So when I say I understand, you damn well better believe I do! More than you can ever possibly know. And when I say that the way out is through, not quitting, not throwing up the white flag, you better damn well believe it is! I can speak with authority because I speak from my own experience. I have tried living with thoughts of suicide. I have tried keeping thoughts of killing myself in the back of my mind, on the back burner as it were, a possible escape hatch to get me the hell outta here if things didn’t work out. Neither were conductive to my success or any feeling of good.

I at least want to enjoy my life, as much as I can considering my circumstances and situation, and I want to succeed more than fail. I have found the only way I can do that is to drop any thought of killing myself, with no intention of picking it up again. I have not managed to completely release it yet. It is very hard, the sucker holds on very strongly when you are in the shit.

But my energy and focus is now more directed towards what I want to be, do and have. I am releasing myself self-imposed limitations, and things are starting to show up. Little things. But something is better than nothing. I’ll take some progress over none! Only time will tell if pushing through is worth it. Right now I fiercely believe, and will teach, that it is. But I won’t know for sure until I punch through the blackness and come out on the other side.

I will get through this! One of the nice things about it is that while I value life, I like to think that it will be easier to lay mine down if absolutely necessary, ad if no other course of action is available. I like to think I would not be panicking in some sort of situation where I could be killed. I no longer hate my life, but I am certainly not going to be unhappy to be freed from it, especially if I can accomplish anything meaningful in the act of doing so! Truly meaningful, not what the world defines as meaningful. This sort of detachment from any strong desire to live might be useful someday. I take small comfort in that.

For now I just do what I have to do. One step in front of the next. I focus as much as I can on the things I want. I take time to enjoy myself as much as I can. I deny myself few pleasures. And I remember to give thanks for every meal, every good thing that happens. I can even find the beauty in a cold, foggy and rainy fall day like this one. I look out and see how some of the trees appear to be on fire with all their bright autumn colors. I find I can appreciate beauty, whether it is some music I am listening to, some words I am reading or something I see. It keeps me going, keeps my feelings of alienation and loneliness in the background, like so much white noise. If I ever learn a better way of dealing with it, I will do that, and share it here.

No platitudes here in closing. Just simple Spock-logic: If you are thinking about what you do not want, you can not think about what you do want.

So practice thinking about what you do want. Let go of your thoughts of suicide. Try to shift all that energy and focus into what you do want. Refuse to take any less, accept no substitutes! Crusade for what you want and go after that with as much as single-minded purpose as you may have had up to this point towards killing yourself. Just give it a try. See if you can’t take life by the balls, make it squeal and give you what you want.

If you have tried everything, exhausted every option, and you still just want to end it and get the hell out of here, well, please accept this virtual hug from me first, then proceed with my blessing and full support.

You are not a failure – you did not fail, and you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. If your loved ones can’t accept your chosen course of action that’s on them. You have let others push you around long enough. if your loved ones can not support you in this, then their love is conditional, which means it is not absolute or true.

Bear no grudges! Forgive them, love them, release as much as you can as you leave. Take as little from this world as possible. Know that you are loved (you are, in fact, love) and someday, when you face these challenges again, you will make it through them. I believe in you, no matter what.

For all of us that choose to remain, keep on fighting! Believe you will get through this (we will all get through this) know it, claim it as truth.

Now turn up those speakers!

The Nature of Energy

I am writing this, and anything I write after this, after having been a part of an Ayahuasca Ceremony. I mention it only so that I give the medicine proper credit for the subtle changes and work it is doing in me. I may refer to it as Aya or Mother Aya or Grandmother Aya or simply the medicine. It is meant to honor the energy that is a part of the Ayahuasca when you take it into your body. I did not feel this living energy inside the medicine. I simply accept and believe and trust and have faith that there is a such an energy or spirit in the medicine.

The insights that I received, or that occurred to me, that I want to share today have to do with energy. I will speak as if I am stating fact, as one with authority on the subject. I am not. I am stating what I feel to be the truth, and I leave it to you to compare this material with your own experience or question it as needed.

Much of what I am about to say is based on the teachings I have gathered from others.  Much of what I am about to say does not come from my own experience. All of this is based on whatever I have experienced for myself and what feels right to me. All of it has the ring of truth for me. Let us begin…

The natural state of energy is movement. When you use the finest instruments of science and look down into any physical matter, eventually you come to a place of vibration and space. I have not seen or verified this for myself. But I am certain it is true.

All dis-ease experienced in the physical body is coming from energy that is not moving. You could say blocked or stagnated. I don’t think stagnated is the right word – this energy is perfect an can not be corrupted. To say it is blocked may be confusing as well, because how can energy be blocked by energy?

All energy is controlled and directed by thought, which is controlled and directed by feelings. So if energy has been blocked, it is because of a feeling that is causing a thought to block the natural free flowing state of energy. The main thing to take away here is that in order to be healthy, in order for all physical matter to remain in a healthy state, the energy in that matter must flow freely.

Abraham teaches that in order to manifest the things you want into your life you must point downstream. In other words, you must flow. I practice something I think of as moving with the natural flow of my life. “Going with the flow.” This is not a drifting aimlessly. This is a reflection of the natural state of the energy that is inside of and a part of me.

We must allow the energy to flow through us even as we flow in the natural current of our lives. It is this free-flowing state which brings us all those experiences and things we most desire, even if we are not aware of it. It feels right, good, free and even feel joyful.

All blocks are caused by resistance. All resistance impedes flow. This is why when you try too hard to make something happen it never works out the way you want, or even if it does you are not enjoying the experience. Only when you are in a natural state of flow can you experience joy and fully enjoy the experiences and things you draw to you.

That is why if you draw a house to yourself outside your natural state of flow, you can not and will not fully enjoy it. The same holds true for any experience, relationship or thing that you draw to yourself outside of your natural state of flow.

To experience full physical health (which you will in your natural state of flow) your feelings must not be those that direct your thoughts to block the free flow of energy through your body and life. In other words, you can not retain any emotion that would typically be labeled as negative. Anger, fear, resentment, bitterness, jealousy, etc. Also there can be no resistance to natural physical ways of expelling energy such as through masturbation. I will have more to say on this later.

Through our religions humanity has been raised to believe that nobody is perfect. This is a lie. Every person that has existed, currently exists or will exist is born perfect. But as the person ages that perfection is forgotten. Before long every person comes to believe that they are not perfect, and furthermore, they should not try to be.

When you examine this closely you can see why the long-held belief that nobody is perfect is a lie. Everything in this world, our world itself and the universe is energy. Everything, without exception. It is not much of a jump to see that if energy is perfect, incorruptible, then the closer we reflect the natural free-flowing state of energy in ourselves and in our own lives, the closer we are to our original-born state of perfection.

OK, I will return to this later… Been a very long day and I am experiencing exhaustion.

How Do You See Yourself?

I recently purchased a book entitled, “Thoughts Are Things.” This is the Earnest Holmes version, not the Prentice Mulford version I was after. The first page of the text after the introduction was all about how a person sees themselves. I realized that I have not been seeing myself in a very good way. I had been seeing myself as suffering from allergic reactions instead of being healthy, poor instead of rich, lonely instead of surrounded by friends, directionless and uncertain instead of having confidently set my course, etc.

I came to understand how insidious this issue really is. Using a real-life example, most convicts get released from prison and find themselves going right back to a life of crime. Now I don’t know if this is true, and I don’t know what these ex-convicts are thinking. But I have a feeling, a hunch, that they have bought into the belief that the majority of criminals return to a life of crime. Likely they also believe there is no other way for them to have the life they want. Finally they almost certainly don’t see themselves as free from a life of crime, having the lives they desire, enjoying themselves, being happy.

I would be surprised if I ever met a former criminal who thought that way. But if I did I would no longer be looking at someone with a criminal mentality, which is ultimately a lack and limitation mentality. I would be looking at someone who found a way to live their lives free of crime. Someone who has changed how they thought about not only the world, but also about themselves. That is the key, It is most important.

It will do you absolutely no good to tell yourself the Universe provides and things are going t work out, like I have, if you don’t see yourself as receiving of the abundance of the Universe, if you don’t see things working out in your life. You will perpetuate the undesired, unwanted state you are in, and that is exactly what has happened to me.

You have to have confidence in yourself, you have to believe in yourself, you have to love and accept yourself as you are. If people say things that tear you down, you have to stop buying into what they are saying. It is a control mechanism. These people, no matter how much they profess to love you, no matter how much you believe they mean well, are trying, usually not consciously, to keep you down, keep you unchanged. Your changing threatens them.

My mom did this to me tonight. Two things she said in response to things I had said. She was talking to dad, and I could tell in her tone of voice she was guilt-tripping him. I told him that mom was trying to take him on a guilt trip again. She denied this, asked me, “What’s wrong with you?” and told me that I was judging her. I realized something later. By saying I was judging her, she was actually judging me. And her response to my observation was an attack because I was likely right.

I did not have to say anything when I observed what I did in her tone of voice. And I could be wrong. I claim any responsibility I need to claim in this incident. And ultimately I guess I am glad it happened, because it made it clear to me a number of things that I hadn’t been paying much attention to. I see now how I buy into the belief that there must be something wrong with me. That I am somehow in some way bad, a bad person, even though I know consciously, as I write this, that this is a lie.

It makes it even clearer to me that I have not been seeing or perceiving myself correctly. That I need to believe and know myself to be all the things I want to be. I am sitting here, scared shitless of what to do after graduation, because I have no fucking clue what I will do or where I will go. I am doing that, and hurting myself in the process, instead of seeing myself as knowing exactly what to do, exactly where to go. As confidently having a place to go and a direction to travel.

I am undermining myself. If I do not change how I see myself, if I do not see myself as I want to be, in a way that is beneficial and desirable for me instead of to my detriment, then after I graduate next year I will just repeat some variation of the last time I tried to set out on my own. It doesn’t work – it didn’t then, it can’t work now and it won’t work in the future.

Somehow I have to see myself as I want to be. Having my own place. Supporting myself easily, on my terms. Being a man of affluence as well as a man of letters. Having wonderful, supportive friends. Having a loving woman to share my bed and life with. Having children of my own. Living life on my terms, not working at some job for 40 years until I retire like my dad. Enjoying my life, doing work that I want to do, that I find fulfilling, meaningful and that pays well.

All the affirmations and Creative Workshops in the world will do no good until I can see myself as the man I want to be, instead of the man I am and the man I fear I will become. So learn from my example. Change how you see and perceive yourself first, if your life is not what you would like it to be. Demand better of your life, and see yourself better.

Change how you perceive yourself, stop buying into anything anyone says that does not support you. Keep your eye firmly fixed on your ideal version of yourself, followed by your ideal version of your life. Remember, you have to change how you believe, feel, perceive and see yourself before you can change your life in any way. It starts with you, and moves outward from there.

Woulda Coulda Shoulda – The Solution for Stress

I am directing this at everyone who worries and stresses over what they are worrying about. I am also addressing this to everyone who beats themselves up for either doing something or not doing it. Saying something or not saying it. Going somewhere or not going. Like all Truths, it is incredibly simple, and I have created a saying for this one. Ready?

If I should have done that, I would have done that.

Think about this for a moment. Let it sink it. To rephrase it for worriers:

If it should have happened, it would have happened
If it should not have happened, it would not have happened.

There is nothing in the entire history of mankind that should not have happened, without exception. That includes the Holocaust and any of our many wars. Before you get ready to attack me, let me clarify this… We may not like that it happened, or we may not have wanted it to happen, but the simple fact that these things happens proves that that were meant to happen.

The Universe is not chaotic. Everything happens for a reason. We can not always see the reason beyond our limited human perspective. When we are able to see the reason, when we are able to know and understand, we will. Until then we will not. Everything that has happened to us in our lives, no matter if we perceived it to be good or bead, was meant to happen. Nothing has happened to us, or will happen to us, that is not meant to happen.

This is a major burden we can release. Have any of your worries changed anything for the better? Has any of your condemnation of the bad things that have happened to you, others, humanity, etc., made anything better? Do you feel better for all your worrying and fear? Does it feel good to see something terrible that happened on the news and say out loud, “That’s wrong! That should never have happened!”

Be honest here. It feels clenched, tight, You muscles constrict, your teeth clench, you get into fight or flight mode. You are ready for battle. The problem is that you return to the tense state every time anything happens to you, or you hear about anything that has happened, that you do not like. This is, in a word, stress. It causes high blood pressure, increases the risk of heart attack, causes you to gain weight, etc.

If you can instead see something horrible, or experience something horrible, and at the end of it say, with a deep inner conviction and knowing that, “If it was meant to happen, it would. Since it happened, it was meant to happen” – that feels different. This is not resignation, because that is still a secret attachment to the way you think things should be. This is an inner conviction, and inner knowing, a faith that, even though you don’t agree with what happened, even though you do not like what happened, you acknowledge what you already know, that it happened because it was meant to.

The how and the way are not human concerns. They are simply not your business. These are left to God, Source, the Universe or whatever you want to call it. If you could know and understand why something happened, you would know it and understand it. If you could know and understand how something happened, or how to make something happen, you would know it. You know and understand only what you are able to know and understand at this point in your life. Nobody ever knows or understands more than they are truly ready for.

It’s liberating, because you don’t have to look back with regret at some missed opportunity. If you should have done that or gone there you would have. You don’t have to look back with bitterness and anger, trying to deny something that in your perception was bad that happened to you. If it happened to you, though you don’t know how or why, it was meant to happen to you. You can do the same with anything that has happened in human history.

Worrying will never find you a reason or a solution. It can’t. Worrying is denial. It is non-acceptance. You are not allowing yourself to accept something. Guilt also is denial. It is a way to beat yourself up about something instead of taking a moment to look inside yourself and facing whatever it is you need to face. In both cases you are not dealing with the issue, you are running away from it.

Allow, Release, Surrender. These are the three keys that will unlock everything for you. Embrace everything with acceptance and love, then release it and let it go. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, then release it and let it go. Proceed with confidence that nothing will happen in your life that is not supposed to, and there is nothing you can fail at because if you were meant to go somewhere or do something you would have gone there or done it. Anger, Fear, Guilt, Regret, Shame, etc. are all chains weighing you down. You will be a much happier person if you can just let all of that go.

Of course if you are meant to hear what I am saying and act on it, you will.

You might imagine, from what I have said here, that I am saying that nobody makes mistakes. This is correct. Nothing anyone has done or will do is wrong. The Universe sees no difference between a human killing a fly or another human. It sees no difference between humans killing each other and a lion killing a mouse. It sees no difference between a human raping another and a lion mounting a lioness in heat.

As much as you may not want this to be the case, Hitler is not roasting in hell somewhere. In fact, if you want him to be roasting in hell, if you are feeling anger, bitterness or hatred to another, you are the one who is in hell. Any desire for justice or vengeance closes you off from peace, and you close the door on experiencing love. Love is always there, but you are not allowing yourself to feel it. There is not a loving person on earth who seeks justice or vengeance for a perceived wrong.

As I have said before, right and wrong, good and bad exist only in human perception. There is no darkness, only light or an absence of light. The light is always there, it is humans who block it and live in darkness. You can think of your  time here in this physical form as akin to a surfer riding a wave. You are riding a wave of your actions, your choices, and whatever results from that. The ocean is the entire experience of all humans living right now, in this moment. All our waves interact and mingle with each other. They are all one.

You make a choice, You act. You steer your board a little this way or that, and ride a new wave of the results of your choice. Note that I am not using the word consequence here. That implies criticism or judgment; some sort of final reckoning. There is none. You could kill every person on this planet, you could destroy the earth itself, and you will still experience the end of your physical life, and the transition to whatever occurs after that.

You will bring with you everything you have learned. If you have grown during your time on earth you will transition to a higher form or reincarnate to learn new lessons. If you have stagnated and learned nothing, you will likely keep reincarnating until you learn whatever it is your soul needs or wants to learn. Some of the sources I have read state that immature souls are the ones that hurt others. Other sources say that our time here on earth is a sort of classroom. I think perhaps both are the Truth.

You are perfect and you do not make mistakes. You may not remember your perfection, and you may look at the things you have done or not done and think to yourself, “You know, I should have handled that better” or “I should have done that” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” None of this is True. You and your fellow humans may look at the things you have done or not done and label them as good or bad. But as far as the Universe is concerned, you have simply acted.

It is only in our society that we label things like murder and rape as bad or evil. It is only in human society that we have laws that allow us to live together on large numbers. Lions don’t have to worry about that. Some may think that lions are somehow less intelligent than humans. I don’t think so. In a pride of lions, the man can take his pick of the women when they are in heat. He may have to fight with other males, but he doesn’t have to go through all the bullshit that human males have to go through to find a mate. I think the animals have this figured out better than the humans.

Animals don’t require justice or vengeance. There is no consequence for killing one another. No men’s or women’s rights, no requirements to mate when they are in the mood. They live in large societies without the rule of law, and without the influence of man, their numbers remain stable, despite how many kill each other. Humanity may have intelligence, but until its members can live peaceably in large numbers without the need to control anyone’s behavior, we are less evolved than animals in this regard.

Proceed with confidence in your life. No matter how bad or good things get in your perception, no matter how seemingly out of control, everything is happening as it should, nothing is happening that shouldn’t, regardless of your opinion or the opinions of others. There is nothing to fear or worry about. You can trust yourself that you are doing the best you can at this time in your life, and this will remain true all the days you are here on this earth.

Release and Surrender your anger, bitterness, criticism, doubt, fear and judgment. There is no need for these things. Understand that to live in society you have to abide by its rules. If you do something that is perceived to be ethically and morally wrong, society will punish you. But as far as whatever you call god is concerned, you have done nothing wrong. There is no ethics, morality or rule of law in the spiritual dimensions. There is only love and light, and how much each soul allows itself to experience.

I Am Not Here

This is not my reality
even though it is what I
taste, touch, smell and see.

While my body is here,
my True Self is elsewhere.

I now have a dream,
I now have a purpose,
I now have a reason,
a goal I wish to attain.

I will realize my dreams,
I will live the life I want.

Every day brings me one step closer
to everything I have already become.


Reality and Video Games

This morning I had some thoughts that I think were inspired by the word “conviction.” As I worked it out in my mind, I compared the world to a video game. In a video game you can find the cracks and seams – its underpinnings. But in the real world these are hidden from us.

Most people are like the AI in a video game, barely aware of the world at all. If they encounter something unexplained, it may wake them up slightly, for a short period of time, but they quickly go back to sleep. Most are no more fazed by their encounters with the underpinnings of the world than an AI is in theirs.

An enlightened person can see and interact with the underpinnings of the world. How else could you explain levitation, walking on water, healing others, the things the rest of us all call miracles?

The Truth is obscured for the majority of humanity. Most have never seen it while physical. We have to have that faith and trust beyond belief, that inner knowing and conviction, it is there. We can’t break through using any directed physical means, as we might in a video game.

The majority of us have to somehow tap into the fact that we did see the Truth before we were physical. We have to have that feeling, that knowing. For example, even though we may not see the sun right now, we know it is there. We don’t have any doubts as to the sun’s existence, its rising and setting. We have to have the same feelings and mindset towards the Truth.

But an enlightened person has seen the Truth while physical. An enlightened person is fully conscious and aware. They can see the sun, to use our example, whether or not it is obscured. They see and understand the Truth.

It takes a stepping out in faith and trust to become enlightened. But I imagine that once someone is enlightened, they no longer need to have such levels of faith and trust. They have seen the Truth, the sun, to use my previous analogy, so they know it is there. They probably face other challenges.