Reflections

Reflections clash with reflections
clashing with reality,
No way to tell what is real
or meant to be,
Through this confusion
I must chart my course,
Following in the natural current
of my life and not using force.

I can not tell you what is right or wrong,

I can only point out these reflections
are here, then gone,
No way to pick
the right or wrong one,
You make a choice
and then you’re done,
So go with your feelings
and choose the best-feeling one.

Life of Confusion

I find myself repeating old, limiting patterns again. It would be so much easier to play the role of a victim. To point out all the things that are making things so difficult for me. To explain how hard my life is right now. To express how much pain I am going through.

But the fact of the matter is that I have nobody to blame but myself. Every… Single… thing in my life, everything, is there because I asked for it to be there. There are no exceptions. All the bad, what little good I can recall.

For most of my life I have vibrating at a frequency of failure. Of “don’t notice me” when I am around others. While this is changing, I still vibrate at the frequency today. The end result is that I am alone. I started vibrating at this frequency, I suspect, out of fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of failure. Unless I figure out how to raise my frequency, begin vibrating at whatever the frequency is that attracts others of higher vibrations into my life, I will die alone and mostly friendless. I will die a total failure. This will never change until I change.

For most of my life I have also been vibrating at a frequency that, I guess is something like “work sucks” or “I don’t want to work” or “I don’t want to end up like my dad.” Maybe a combination of all of these. As a result, I have been sabotaging myself in every job I have ever had. I am sabotaging myself in my jobs on campus right now. Unless I find a way to raise my frequency and vibration I will keep repeating this until I am aware of whatever it is that is asking for my attention, or until I have learned whatever it is I need to learn.

I could find blame with the people I have worked for and currently work for. Just as I could blame others around me for not noticing me or rejecting me. But if my work is not satisfactory, if I am not happy with it, if I want more of a challenge, or more responsibility, or whatever, I have to operate at the frequency for it. Getting another job does not solve the problem. I will just bring it with me into my new job. It will haunt me until the day I die or simply kill myself. I will never be able to support myself or stand on my own until I kick this motherfucker to the curb.

If my life is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of my life what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency for the life I want, not the life I am currently experiencing. If my work is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of it what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency of the work that I want, not the work I am currently experiencing.

One of the people I work for here at campus left me a scalding reply yesterday. I struggled with how to respond. Do I defend myself? Unless I am guilty, why would I feel the need? Defending myself proves that I am in the wrong, and I know it. The fact of the matter is that what they have said about me is the truth. Not the entire truth or the whole truth. There are forces at work in all our interactions with each other that few of us aware of. But as I look back on my work at that job, I see how I have been doing exactly what he says I have been doing.

While his intention may have been to point out a wrong, I understand that what I am actually getting here is a message from the Universe calling my attention to something I have been doing but have not been aware of doing. The Universe doesn’t give a shit about right or wrong. That’s a human concern. The Universe simply wants me to be who I truly am. It is simply pointing out what I need to be aware of, what I need to address. Because it knows the desires of my heart, and it can see how my actions at my work are not in alignment with the desires of my heart.

When you bend your finger far enough you will feel pain. Proceed and you will damage your finger. The pain isn’t to tell you that you are right or wrong for bending your finger that way. It is there to warn you that you are about to hurt yourself. This message from one of my bosses is just like that. I am being warned that if I continue I will hurt myself. But unlike a normal person who would usually stop once they feel pain, and not hurt themselves, I seem to have at tendency to ignore the warning and cause myself serious damage. I have done it again and again. If these were bones in my physical body, I think I might have broken every one by now! Not just broken, shattered.

The question remains, what do I do? I mean I know I need to be more aware. I know I need to operate at a higher frequency in regards to my work. But how do I do this, and do it consistently, until I have created the inner change required? How do I keep from forgetting what I have come to understand today so I don’t fall back into my old limiting patterns?

A few days ago I pointed out to a friend that they needed to be more mindful when doing their math. But the least mindful person in the room was actually me. Sure I can be mindful with some tasks, like working on math. My advice was good. But for the greater parts of my life I walk through it in a stupor. I am asleep, not aware of what I am doing at all, my mind off into the future or the past.

If it is off into the future, I am typically worried about something. Or hoping for something. Both are based off fear. If I am looking back into the past I am picking the scabs off old wounds. I am lost in regret or sorrow. Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my past that I can appreciate or be happy about? Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my future that I could appreciate and be happy about? Why are there always heavy, gray clouds threatening rain over the skies of my heart? Where, for the love of God, is the fucking blue sky? Where is the fucking sun?

If I quit my job, or quit my life by killing myself, I have accomplished nothing. I have changed nothing. If I come into human form again sometime in the future, I am placing a burden on that person which only gets heavier the more it is passed on. Because each life adds to the weight of sorrow and internal garbage that I have been carrying around since God only knows when. How in the hell can I become the one version or incarnation or whatever of me that finally opens the bag, dumps everything out, and leaves all that shit behind? How can I keep my future selves from suffering the same fate as me? How can I keep going in this life under my current burden?

I have no answers. I don’t know what to do. Or I do but not how to do it. Or I know both and am not allowing myself to remember. I wish I had some guru or something that could slap me upside my head and wake me up long enough that I can remember whatever I need to remember, do whatever I need to do, and change whatever I need to change. Because I am tired of making the same old mistakes. I am tired of walking the path of my life alone, and forcing myself to be alone. I am tired of the kinds of work that keep showing up in my life, and my seeming inability to vibrate at a high enough frequency that better work could show up. Or that would improve my current work.

I am afraid of the future. I worry about what I will do after graduation. I know I am graduating next year. I do not have a low frequency when it comes to my scholarly pursuits. But I am worried I will just keep going to school and run away from everything I need to be aware of and address. I will stick to what I have been successful at but ignore the larger issues of my life. Or I will graduate and I will make it meaningless. I will have this piece of paper and these certifications, but not allow myself to have a good, high paying job that would utilize what I have learned doing my time here.

One thing only I know for sure. I can practice presence by being here, in this moment, with whatever I am doing. I do not know if I can keep it up. But I know that today I am aware that I need to practice awareness, and am doing so. I will take that with me into my work today, and whatever happens… I just wrote, “Hopefully I can raise…” What am I actually saying? That secretly I am afraid I will not be able to.

Let’s try again… I desire to, I wish to, I want to, raise my vibration and operating at a frequency that transforms my life and work experience more into what I want, instead of more of the same. I allow myself to feel what I feel. I surrender to everything I am experiencing in this present moment. I yield to my entire present-moment experience. I set the intention, right now, to raise my vibration and increase the frequency I am operating at, starting with my work today.

Darkness Is A Choice

We are speaking of a denial of Light
not an absence of Light
The concept of God being in all things therefore
is not so irreconcilable.

From “Emmanuel’s Book” page 18, “Darkness is a choice.”
Compiled by Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton

I think there is something we forget. Some of us, myself also in the past, talk about how evil the world is. How dark it is. How cruel it is. The phrase “The Real World” is bandied about, as if those of us who use it have any idea of what the real world actually is. But most of us that think of the world in this way, that use this phrase, have no idea how or what the real world is.

We say these things, we use this phrase and others like it, to basically set a sort of bar. We say these things to those that have not reached it. The bar is set to what we think is normal. It is defined by what we perceive to be reality. And indeed, to those who think along these terms, it is their reality.

Our reality is created by our perception. What we expect to see in the world, 9 times out of 10, that is what we see. What we expect to experience, we experience. So the phrase, “The Real World” seems to be true, and those of us who use it, say it with finality. That is our final word on it.

I see a few problems with this… First of all saying anything with finality is essentially closing the door in the face of anything that contradicts what we believe. That is the definition of close-mindedness. We become unable to see anything beyond or outside our beliefs and perceptions. We close ourselves off to ever really learning the real truth. We shut the door in the face of truth, lock it and leave him to stand outside our hearts. When Jesus said, “I stand at the door and knock” I wonder if this is what he was referring to.

Secondly we all have made (myself included), and most of us continue to make (myself excluded) an assumption that darkness = absence of Light. But Emmanuel’s words, as quoted above, remind us that this is not the only way darkness can come into our lives. Quite often, and I may even venture to say all of the time, darkness = denial of Light. In fact I will even go so far as to say this is the only real true definition of darkness. I do not think, for one moment, that there is an absence of light anywhere, even in the darkest corners of what you call the real world.

Darkness is a choice. Suffering is a choice. We are never powerless, we can always choose. We can accept or deny the Light. What is the Light? Let us define the undefinable in this way. It is that energy or force beyond the best humanity can offer. It is beyond the love of a mother for her child, the love of a man or woman for a man or woman. It is beyond the best of human lovingkindness. It is that which humanity has been looking for outside itself, but which has always been inside us all. It is what we are, when we leave our human bodies behind. It is that energy or force that gives life to everything, freely. You can give it any name you wish, for now Light will suffice.

The question is will you accept or deny that you have this energy inside you? Will you accept or deny that others have it inside them? Will you accept or deny that it is in your world, the world you live in, the world you believe in, the world you perceive? Can you find and open yourself to the Light that is in all things, even the darkest places you can think of right now? Can you find the Light in the drug dealer, the gang member, the murderer? It doesn’t matter who the darkness is for you, or where it is. The question remains, will this darkness continue to be a denial of Light? Will you continue to deny the Light?

Most humans live in a state of denial or non-acceptance. We isolate ourselves from each other. We isolate ourselves in shimmering towers of glass and steel, in layers of asphalt and concrete, from mother nature, from the earth. We are disconnected from each other and from the planet we live on. In our current, natural state the pattern of denying the Light is firmly ingrained into all of us.

It was for me as well. It is no longer. I choose to live connected to others and the world around me. I still have much growing to do. I still tend towards isolation, towards denial. The circumstances of my life must reflect this, as they do. But I am changing, I have made that choice, and you can as well.

If you want all the things that you think of as part of “The Real World” to go away, to change for the better, then you have to choose acceptance. You have to stop denying the Light. You have to stop isolating yourself. You have to be able to find the Light in anyone or anything. When humanity reaches this state in our growth as a species, and we will, there will be no more scarcity, no more war. There will no longer be any darkness, because we will, collectively, have stopped denying the Light.

So what is the darkness in your life? Is it your denial of Light? Or is it an absence of Light? Because if, for you, it is an absence of Light, you are living in denial, and will remain a victim of unwanted circumstances and situations. That is the consequence of your choice.

But if you are able to see it is your denial of Light that has brought this darkness, then you are free to choose to stop denying the light. When you stop denying the light, you will be free of unwanted circumstances and situations. That will be the consequence of your choice.

Choose wisely.

Suicide – Part 2

I was falling asleep as I wrote part 1 of this series, or whatever it is, and now I have some more realizations to share, some more thoughts to work out. My intention here is to help myself, and to help others. For those who see in themselves what I am seeing in me, perhaps this gives them a light at the end of the tunnel, a way out. For me writing about this is both confessional, dragging something out of the darkness into the light, and making it real, there is a public witness to the things I say and the commitments I make.

So sitting on the toilet again, where I do a lot of my thinking (hey, you know you do too), I realized that in order to take my hand off the ejection seat lever, in order to throw myself fully into my life, I can not kill myself. I will no longer have that option. Because I can no longer think that way. As long as I think, “At least I can kill myself…” I am right back to where I no longer want to be.

I said before that Staind saved my life, back when I had my first thoughts of killing myself. I was still a Christian back then, I was depressed, likely would have been diagnosed as clinically depressed, most of the time. My brother had friends and either went to parties or just simply partied. Most of the time I stayed in my room, reading, listening to music, playing video games, throwing myself into shit on the computer. Essentially the same things I am doing now.

I asked a single girl at a dance to dance with me, I was all dressed up and everything, and she laughed in my face. I offered myself to another girl, a friend at the time, and the only person I have ever taken on a date. I don’t like to talk about this or say it. There is such a stigma attached to it. But I feel it is time…

So I offered myself to her, and she did not laugh at me, but she also did not accept me. Instead, because she wanted to please this other man she had met on the internet, she gave herself to a local playboy. Instead of sharing her first time with me, she chose this playboy that my brother brought in. I had taken her on that date to see if there was any interest beyond friendship with me, and there wasn’t. or if there was, she did not acknowledge it.

Of course this shattered me. This, combined with everything else, brought me right to the edge. The music of Staind kept me from going over, but they didn’t do me any favors. All they did is increase my tolerance for pain. By putting it off I had an excuse to keep putting it off. Suicide became something I could fall back on, a way out, a way to escape my shitty life.

But things just never seemed to get bad enough to cause me to do it. Or maybe they were bad but I found a way to tolerate it. Maybe I simply was not as brave as I thought. It takes a lot of bravery, courage, determination – something – to be able to take out that knife and slice open your wrists. Or drown yourself. Or suck on an exhaust pipe. Oddly enough I never thought of using a gun.

The second girl’s man came (the first was one that laughed at me) and swept her off her feet. Her prince charming I guess. They traveled the world together. He did far more for her than I believe I could have. I am happy that he was there for her like that. That she had that. And pissed off at her, because she goes and kills herself some years later. Why? I know what I was told. Maybe that was enough. But to me it doesn’t seem like good enough a reason. She had everything, every reason to live and keep living. I have nothing, every reason to die and stop living. Yet I am alive and she is dead.

Or am I? Can I really claim that I am alive, sitting here, typing this, at 41 years of age, having done nothing with my life, still living with my parents, having no success, no real adventures? Unable to live my life fully, I have been in stasis I think since that time, since those things happened. I just sealed myself away, so I would only have my family to worry about if I decided to kill myself. Because if I was surrounded by friends and lovers, it would be very difficult to kill myself.

I have always bemoaned the fact that I have no friends and have never been on a real date. I have never seen a woman physically naked in front of me, never had sex. I turned myself into some kind of monk. But even though monks might physically seal themselves away, they are not sealed on an emotional, mental or spiritual level, I am fairly certain.

So if I am honest I really have been dead all these years. I put myself into stasis and went to sleep. Maybe having a sort of spiritual breakdown, renouncing my former Christian faith, having the experiences I had around that time, the belief systems crash I went through and at least one dark night of the soul, or something similar, I think all this woke me up early. I don’t think i ever intended to wake up. I think I intended to just go through the motions of life, perhaps until a time I could more easily end it.

It was harder for me to do when I was younger. I could always find reasons I have to keep going, try one more thing. Even now, though the reasons are less, there are things that I feel I must experience before I can end my life with a clear conscience. Chief among them being the act of lovemaking. What kind of man, what kind of utter looser, can’t even get a woman into bed with him?

So not only do I have to remove my hand from the ejection seat lever (referring to the analogy I was using earlier, I could eject or land the plane. My life is like a plane, I can eject myself from it or land the stinkin’ thing), I have to unseal myself, bring myself out of stasis. Because as long as I stay in that state I will push others away. As long as I am keeping alive the possibility of suicide, entertaining thoughts of it, even leaving it as a sort of open door at the back of my mind, I will push others away, I will continue like I have, I will never, ever make any real changes, any wanted or desired changes, to the circumstances and situations of my life.

I have to throw myself into life fully. I have to close the suicide door-thought in my mind. I don’t have to do more than that and should not. And I can’t do this until I am really ready to enter back into life. And I have to hope it is not too late. In order to succeed, in order to soar above my Upper Limit Problems, thoughts of suicide can not be in my mind. I just can’t entertain these thoughts, and as I think I said before, no successful person out there does.

I can no longer have this as a sort of escape plan, as if life were some horrible prison that I wanted to escape from. I have to embrace what seems to me now, in this moment, to be something akin to prison life. I have to embrace a life that, at this moment, is not what I want at all. I have to embrace it and start living again.

One of my many justifications for killing myself was that I have no purpose, no dreams. Maybe that is true. More likely I have forgotten about them during my time in stasis. Maybe I did not allow myself to have these so that I could kill myself. Maybe I threw these out the door along with the possibility of having friends, loves and a meaningful, fulfilling life. Maybe I could only justify killing myself if my life was lacking in all these things. But I have been scrabbling around, looking for a dream, a purpose, a reason to life. I have felt up to now that I have none of this. I still can’t see any of them. But something in me wants them. Something in me is no longer content to live without them.

There is more I wish to express, the last sentence brought it to mind. But I am not remembering it at the moment. Maybe part 3? I think now, looking back, that maybe this is why I have never started, completed and published a book. Why I never got very far in my level design and modeling days. Why I am not in art or architecture school, building, creating, learning how to do these. Why I never found a way to go to the Seattle Art Institute which compelled me so strongly ome years ago. Why I never pursued music. Why I still live with my parents and can not get this excess fat off my body, no matter what I do, the process is far harder than it has to be, and if I let off it’s right back.

This fat on my body is a physical symptom of an internal, energetic cause. It is the physical manifestation of my pain, all my pain, and perhaps my sense that I am not worthy, I don’t deserve to be happy, I am worthless and useless and futureless. Maybe I have been slowly killing myself while in this static condition by eating myself to death. Others use booze or cigarettes, I guess I use food and a very unhealthy mindset.

I look in the mirror and I see a fat man, not very well equipped, nothing physically that any woman would be attracted to, except perhaps the face. But in my face I see a younger man, and that is the heart I have inside me. Not the physical heart, the energetic heart. I am a young man inside. Of course I would be, because I put myself into a sort of walking coma when I was a young man.

And I wonder why I don’t fit in with other men my age. Why other people my age seem so much bigger than me, even though I am 6 feet tall. I see now it is because inside I am still a teenager, a young man, that never really grew up into the body he now occupies. I hope this will change once I take my hand off the ejection seat level, once I unseal myself, open myself up and come out of stasis. Once I embrace life fully and throw myself into it.

I want to say the road ahead will be hard, but to say that is to sort of create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have no idea what the future holds. It just seems to me, right now, in this moment, that things are going to be tough. I am not sure I am ready. But I am certain that if I ever want to have a life I want to live, I have to free myself of these old self-imposed patterns. There is no other way. I have to stop killing myself and start living, no matter what, despite anything that might happen, be it another girl laughing in my face or rejecting me. I can’t stay here in this state for fear of encountering these things. It is too important that I free myself before it really is too late.

Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, mark these words. Remember that the things you do and say to others matter. They do have an effect. I am an extreme case. And yes, part of the responsibility lies with the way a person perceives and responds. What they have drawn into their lives. But part of it lies with you. Something you do or say could completely fuck up someone else’s life. We have to be careful. Ultimately we should aim to be motivated by love in all we say and do. Or at least come as close to that idea as we can.

But if nothing else bring awareness, from now on, into what you do to others, what you say to others. How those two young women responded to me, all those years ago, has in part created the hell I am waking up from right now, in this moment. And I take little consolation in knowing they were probably suffering in their own way too, at that time, and since. The damage they did to me they also did to themselves. Sometimes inner wounds just won’t heal. How can they if there is no real knowledge of how to treat them properly? We can mend a broken arm or sew on a missing finger. But medical science still hasn’t the faintest fucking clue how to heal human emotional scars and the human heart.

So please be careful, I beg of you, for your own sake, and for the sake of those others who enter and exit your life. Everything we do to others, we also do to ourselves. It truly is a double-edged sword.

Suicide – Part 1

I am reading, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks, and I have started to put my awareness on any ULP moments that come up, any times I am Upper Limiting myself. As I believe I already said my car crash was an obvious examples. Others may be more subtle, like having an awesome day, but dealing with a broken strap on my backpack, and allowing the old feelings of anger and frustration, all tied in with my lack of abundance when it comes to finances. Even though I felt so much lighter and actually even felt elated, slowly those negative feelings began to color things. But at least I was aware of them.

Now I come to another issue, maybe also an upper limit problem, and that is thoughts of suicide. Now I have not been unhappy enough to have them lately. But I have always held onto this option as a way out. A way to escape the circumstances and situations of my life of they continue to refuse to change for the better. A way to get back my power, a way to be free. Others can fear death and be terrified of the very thought of anyone behaving out of the norm and killing themselves, but not me! Since I am no longer a Christian, the threat of hell and eternal damnation no longer has a hold on me. In fact, through the teachings of Abraham, I have come t understand that in death there is a release, and catapulting into one’s vortex. That makes it almost an attractive prospect, if I could only find a way to do it without pain. I mean if I can’t find a way onto my vortex any other way…

Maybe that part is true. But am I really taking back my power by leaving my hand firmly wrapped around the ejection lever, as it were? Or am I letting the circumstances and situations of my life have power over me? Also am I really free if I retain the ability and practice the vibration of killing myself? Or is that just locking me firmly into a pattern of behavior well underneath my upper limit. Am I hobbling myself while still believing I can fly?

I think I need to let this go. Take my hand off the ejection level. Land the fucking plane, no matter how damaged and unlikely to keep flying I think it may be. I don’t think I can soar above my upper limitations until I do. But I don’t want to let this go. It seems like to me that if I do that, I am saying that my life is OK, and I will put up with whatever shit I am going through. It feels like if I give it up I will be powerless, I will be forced to live a life that may not ever be what I truly desire. But if I don’t let it go, my life is almost certain to be what I do not desire. Do I want to continue with the way things are, or do I wish to finally and truly change things?

I have to find a way to let this go. As soon as I am ready. I can not afford to hold onto this any longer. Not because people believe is is wrong. Not because it would hurt those who love me. These are not good enough reasons. I have to let this go for me, in order to truly reclaim my freedom and power. No successful person lives their life with their hand wrapped around the eject level. I am almost certain of this. Thoughts of killing themselves do not enter into their minds. In fact it is probably inconceivable to them. I am almost certain I can not, and will not, reach my full potential until the thought of killing myself becomes such an alien concept I never even think of it.

But I am not ready yet. I hope I soon will be.

Suicide

I am reading, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks, and I have started to put my awareness on any ULP moments that come up, any times I am Upper Limiting myself. As I believe I already said my car crash was an obvious examples. Others may be more subtle, like having an awesome day, but dealing with a broken strap on my backpack, and allowing the old feelings of anger and frustration, all tied in with my lack of abundance when it comes to finances. Even though I felt so much lighter and actually even felt elated, slowly those negative feelings began to color things. But at least I was aware of them.

Now I come to another issue, maybe also an upper limit problem, and that is thoughts of suicide. Now I have not been unhappy enough to have them lately. But I have always held onto this option as a way out. A way to escape the circumstances and situations of my life of they continue to refuse to change for the better. A way to get back my power, a way to be free. Others can fear death and be terrified of the very thought of anyone behaving out of the norm and killing themselves, but not me! Since I am no longer a Christian, the threat of hell and eternal damnation no longer has a hold on me. In fact, through the teachings of Abraham, I have come t understand that in death there is a release, and catapulting into one’s vortex. That makes it almost an attractive prospect, if I could only find a way to do it without pain. I mean if I can’t find a way onto my vortex any other way…

Maybe that part is true. But am I really taking back my power by leaving my hand firmly wrapped around the ejection lever, as it were? Or am I letting the circumstances and situations of my life have power over me? Also am I really free if I retain the ability and practice the vibration of killing myself? Or is that just locking me firmly into a pattern of behavior well underneath my upper limit. Am I hobbling myself while still believing I can fly?

I think I need to let this go. Take my hand off the ejection level. Land the fucking plane, no matter how damaged and unlikely to keep flying I think it may be. I don’t think I can soar above my upper limitations until I do. But I don’t want to let this go. It seems like to me that if I do that, I am saying that my life is OK, and I will put up with whatever shit I am going through. It feels like if I give it up I will be powerless, I will be forced to live a life that may not ever be what I truly desire. But if I don’t let it go, my life is almost certain to be what I do not desire. Do I want to continue with the way things are, or do I wish to finally and truly change things?

I have to find a way to let this go. As soon as I am ready. I can not afford to hold onto this any longer. Not because people believe is is wrong. Not because it would hurt those who love me. These are not good enough reasons. I have to let this go for me, in order to truly reclaim my freedom and power. No successful person lives their life with their hand wrapped around the eject level. I am almost certain of this. Thoughts of killing themselves do not enter into their minds. In fact it is probably inconceivable to them. I am almost certain I can not, and will not, reach my full potential until the thought of killing myself becomes such an alien concept I never even think of it.

But I am not ready yet. I hope I soon will be.

 

3-4-2017 – Status Update

It has been a long time since I came in here and said anything. I just published my first poem in I am not even sure how long. I noticed that in the title it said peace-2, and it linked, at the bottom, to an old article I had written entitled, “Peace.” I just read this article, but it was strange, like someone else had written it. I think I had forgotten these old truths I had realized at that time. I find I still agree with what I said. It is still in alignment to what I currently believe and feel. Not like a religious belief, more like this is how something seems to me, what I think is true about it right now. I want to keep all my beliefs transitory. I want to be able to release them and let them go easily and freely, if they are no longer truth for me.

So a bit of a status update… Just about two weeks ago now, the Sunday before last, I was driving home after working for a neighbor lady I may have mentioned before, in the 2001 Lexus ES 300 that I had just purchased maybe a month or so before, and I decided to take a back road. I might have been trying to change the radio station. something caused me to not pay as much attention as I needed to, and this was not a road I took a lot, so I took a corner too wide, a little too fast, and maybe my steering gave out, it seemed to me the car was not responding, or maybe I froze up.

Whatever the case may have been, I slammed into a pole at probably 30-40 miles an hour, destroying the front driver’s side of the car, shattering the pole at its base and moving it foot or so in the wet, muddy, possibly clay ground in which it had been recently set. I hit the pole, the airbags deployed, solving the mystery once and for all about the 2001 Lexus ES 300 airbags, no, they are not the kind with shrapnel in them that have been recalled for Toyotas, else I would not be writing this, at least not in physical form.

It banged up my physical form a little but nothing major. Sometimes, strangely, I can still smell the airbags in the area of my nose where I felt pain afterwards. My left knee, which neither of my knees have ever really been free of pain or injury, hurts and doesn’t feel right. Nothing that feels like a broken bone. I have a huge bruise on my chest that showed up a few days later and is still there.

No the main thing injured in this accident was my spirit. I found my heart broken and my spirit crushed. I found I could not keep from reliving the scene in my head over and over again, wondering why I didn’t just slam on the brakes or drive out into the open field to my left. I was not under the influence. Just going too fast and not paying enough attention. I was not driving responsibly. I am so thankful that it didn’t happen a few moments earlier or later, that I did not hit anyone else.

I have since paid for this, may times over. First the police officer lied to me, not once but twice. Telling me I could get a deferment and may not have to pay anything for the infraction he gave me It was $180.00+, and with the deferment, even though I have nothing on my record, no tickets, no violations, I still have to pay $150.00 in what they call an “Administrative Fee.”

Second the towing company stole my car. Legally, through strong-arm tactics, but the result is the same as if someone pulled a gun on you, threw you out of your car on the road, and took off. There is no difference in the end result, just one process is considered bad or illegal, and apparently the other is considered acceptable and legal. For anyone in my area who wants to know what towing company to avoid, it is Chuck’s Towing in Washougal. Don’t use them, no matter what. When the officer asked me what towing company to call, insisting the car had to be removed, I told him to pick what he thought was the best one.

Big mistake. The police here in Camas must be very much like the police over in Longview, working in conjunction with the towing companies. In Longview they have something going with Bob’s Towing. I mentioned this before, years ago when my Honda was stolen out from under the apartment where I lived. Yet even though it was two streets off the main drag, the Longview police could not find it, and the towing company never reported it.

Anyhow the lady at Chucks told me that if I got them paid they would drop the additional fees from Friday-Monday, so I spent an hour working with my insurance company getting payment to them. She told me she would offer me $50.00 for the title, and I was trying to get Pick N Pull to get the car, but the lady at Chucks said they could not move my car, they would not park it on the street for pickup, even if I got permission, and when I resigned myself to selling it to her, she reneged, went back on what she had said earlier, and said no, what she would do is charge me $120.00 instead of $170.00. She would take $50.00 off the bill. She didn’t have $50.00 to just give me. So finally I brought my title, and, while recording our conversation, asked her to verify that if I signed it would she would not charge me for those extra days the insurance company did not cover. She said she wouldn’t, I signed it without uttering a word and left.

Thirdly this whole thing affected my schoolwork. As some of you may know I have been attending Clark College the last two quarters, I am wrapping up my second quarter. I have transferred over all usable credits from Lower Columbia College and am on my way to a 2-year Computer Support degree. Well after this happened my grades began to go down. It’s not that I can’t bike/bus there as I started to do originally. It is hard to explain, but having a car, having that freedom, then having it taken away, I don’t want to go back. Even though I can and have gotten by with the bike/bus travel, I just don’t want to do that anymore.

Anyway the poem I have just shared here was written just a few days ago, as I was waiting for the bus. I am starting to pull up out of the nose-dive I found myself in. I got my hands on a book; I was placing holds on my titles, seeking comfort, and this was one of them, “Taking The Leap” by Gay Hendricks. It talks about something called an “Upper Limit Problem.” Reading it made me realize some very important things.

First of all I never really believed I deserved the car. I never really took ownership of it. It came to me via a friend of my mom’s, who has also become my friend, almost even family. Her husband wanted to sell the car and had already purchased her a new one. I won’t go into the details why, but she had offered it to me for $500.00 even though it was woth easily six times that. Then the money manifested for it, and I got some work at the college so I could pay for gas and insurance. It all just came together. But I never really owned any of this.

I realized this was true when I remembered that I had never even read the manual. I know that whenever I go out and buy an electronic device or game, I always read the manual before I begin ti operate it. That is how I take ownership of something. The car was new to me, yet I never really looked at the owner’s manual. That was one side of this, the other is that I kept thinking how lucky I was to have this $3,000 car for which I had only paid $500.00. Like I didn’t believe I deserved it, which was exactly the case I think.

I think I hit what Hendricks calls my Upper Limit Problem. I Upper-Limited myself. I don’t know how or even if this ties in with the teachings of Abraham, but I remember I was not consciously unhappy or anything driving home. I was not giving thought to being in a accident, to wrecking my car. It seemed to happen out of the blue, I could find nothing on my thoughts that would have drawn it to me. But later I could see how I felt I did not deserve the car. Essentially I was sabotaging myself.

I have decided two main things since this happened. First, I will find and abolish any and all upper limits, any limitations of any kind, that I have accepted for or imposed on myself. I will tell myself I deserve to be happy, I deserve nice things, I deserve to succeed, I deserve to make love to a beautiful, long red-haired, virgin, young woman, I deserve to succeed in all my endeavors, until I believe it. I will completely reprogram myself, and I will start by working through this book.

Second, I will not play the role of a victim. I am struggling with this, as you can plainly see in this post. But I will continue to work at not seeing myself as a victim or as having been victimized. I will forgive all these people, I will release all the foul energy around this situation and free myself from it entirely, I will release and let go of all attachment and negative, undesired feeling. Ultimately I will learn from my mistakes and get right back up on the horse again. I will seek out another car that even better meets my needs or, I will move out into a place of my own near the campus, in reasonable bus/walking/bicycling distance.

Lexi, as I called her, has been, is and will continue to be one of my greatest teachers. She kept me alive and safe, just as she was designed to do, and now I will, and am, learning from the loss of her. I will turn this negative into a positive, this curse into a gift. I will transform it’s energy into something that will cause inner growth, and release any negative or undesirable energy back to the universe. And somehow, in some way, I will find my desire to continue going to college, despite my currently inconvenient circumstances, and I will finish this. I can see the finish line. I will continue running, no matter what, until I cross it.

“Hello beastie.”

When I was a little boy I used to look up at the clouds and imagine being up there. I wanted to travel up there. I wanted to explore the landscape of the clouds. I wanted to get away, I think, from things down here on the ground. I don’t think that desire has ever really left me.

I realized today that, like the character Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of Caribbean movies, I have my own “beastie” to face. I truly believe that if it had a real, physical form, that somehow it would be easier to face it and defeat it. I tell myself that I would have no trouble facing down the creature. That I would be brave enough or courageous enough.

It seems to me that because my “beastie” has no physical form that it somehow makes things more difficult. There is nothing definite I can go after, no creature I can defeat that will somehow make everything right. In other words, it is easier to jump into the mouth of a real, living monster than it is to jump into the mouth of some ephemeral, intelligible thing.

If all my troubles would just take a physical form, I could vanquish them, quickly and easily. I am sure of it. I am no warrior, no swordsman, but if I had something physical in front of me that I needed to destroy, which by vanquishing it would free some aspect of myself, then I could, and would, kill it.

Anyone can swing a sword or point a gun. I don’t have to be terribly good at either. If my monster somehow defeated me, ending my life, that would be OK. I would have fought and died for something that had value to me, namely my freedom from it.

But I am certain that the fight would end with me standing victorious. Maybe bloody, probably injured, but I could tap into years of rage to give me extra strength to defeat my opponent. I know I would succeed, that I would win. I know it.

But since my “beastie” is not physical, since it has no definite form, it is able to strike me from where I am weakest. My mind and emotions. It can hide, lurking in the shadows, strike out and then fade away. It can do this tirelessly, for years and years, wearing me down, weakening my spirit, and it has.

Just when I think I have a lead, I have its location pegged, just when I am about to strike, it moves away, unnoticed, unseen. Even when I do manage to hurt it, it seems another monster, another aspect of myself that must be faced, pops up. It is like a hydra, cut off one head, one aspect, another takes its place. It just never ends. I am weary with the constant changes to myself I must make.

Worse still I don’t know exactly what effect any of of this is having. I see no outward improvement in my physical circumstances or situation. I can’t be sure that the changes I have made in myself, to this point, have had any effect on anything that matters to me.

I am still pretty much as I was, in the circumstances and situations of my life. Inside I may have changed, but what good is inward change if it doesn’t lead to the desired outward change? It is a waste of time and energy, as far as I am concerned. I am exhausted.

Even my minor victories, if they can be called that, are made moot by the simple fact that I find myself constantly slipping into old patterns of thought. I find myself with the same unwanted habits. The record of my life keeps skipping over the same part, endlessly, and nothing I have done so far has changed this.

I wish I could face my ego and all its attendant crap man to man in physical combat to the death. I wish I could just rip the damn thing out of me, along with anything else I don’t want to be a part of me. I wouldn’t even care what kind of damage it may do to me as a person. If I could just rip all this bullshit out, I may be insane, or I may die, but for a few moments at least, I would have peace.

I can’t live as I have anymore. I learned this when I left grandma’s house and started my bicycle journey. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed away. Stayed out there. But I had nowhere to stay, no way to support myself. I also had some more lessons I needed to learn. I learned what I needed from that trip.

I am impatient with the holding pattern and ruts of my life, my current life experience. I have to get away from my parents, from my family, and establish myself. I have to face this “beastie” of mine in the one definite way I know how, and that is to begin then complete a novel of publishable length.

Not because that will fix all my problems. Not because I will become a millionaire. But simply because this is one monster I have been avoiding, and in facing it I face all the things that created it and set it before me. I will push through, and in some important area of my life I will have succeeded.

Any major success I can achieve will have magical, transformation powers on me. I know this! Until then I am just going through the emotions of living, running away, cowering before my “beastie,” unable and unwilling to face it and jump in, sword swinging.

Do not make my mistake! Face your beastie, whoever, whatever it is. Whatever form or non-form it may take. Tangible or intangible. Find a way, somehow, to follow your heart, that voice inside, guiding you. Ignore the voices in your head, or the voices of others that do not support your quest.

You must not fail! Your quest is just as important as Frodo’s quest to destroy the ring, and Jack Sparrow’s facing his “beastie,” and in doing so, save others, even if he was not initially willing. In order for you to live the life you came here to live, some parts of you have to die.

It will be painful. It will hurt. It may shatter you, leaving you to put yourself back together again. Beliefs systems may be challenged, questioned and ultimately shattered. Pull through, tear down the walls you have built around yourself, break the chains with which you have bound yourself, unlock and destroy any cage in which you have locked yourself.

Free yourself to be who you came here to be, to live the live you came here to live. You have to follow that dream, or risk living a nightmare. For your sake, and the sake of all you will touch in a meaningful, profound way, you must not fail!

Even as I say these words to you, I am saying them to myself. I don’t know how to tell when its time to give up. I am sure there is some point in a life where continuing to struggle is meaningless. Sometimes I think I am nearing that point. Other times I understand there are still more things I can and should do. There are options I must explore, just a few more things to try.

All I know for sure is that I am not ready to quit just yet. So I will be right there, fighting right alongside you, in similar battles of my own. Sometimes the fight isn’t really resistance and fighting at all. Sometimes it is just being still and letting go. It is just release. It is non-action.

We must always keep in mind that since our enemies are mostly non-physical, the rules for defeating them are not the same as the rules of the physical world. In the physical world you take action. In the non-physical world, you allow. You flow. Because resistance to a thing makes it stronger. Fighting a thing reinforces its reality, makes it become real. The more we give our attention to something we do not want, the more we attract what we do not want.

So the terms of battle make little sense sometimes. We have to keep in mind the things we want for ourselves, for others. We have to visualize them to draw them into our life experience. We have to acknowledge our monsters, then release them and let them go, freeing ourselves of them. We just continue to keep our eyes on the prize, whatever it is we desire.

It isn’t about positive or negative thinking. We have to embrace both. Its about staying focused on what we want. It’s about not responding when someone does something we normally respond to, staying on our “high flying disc,” remaining at our higher frequency or vibration.

It’s about allowing ourselves to be as we are, even as we allow others to be as they are. We don’t try to force change. It is about flow, not force. Flow is downstream, to what we desire. Force is upstream, away from what we desire.

It seems counter-intuitive and it doesn’t make a lot of sense. And I can’t be sure that even this is the “right path” or the “truth.” It seems to me, at this point in my life, that it is. It seems to me that this is the right battle plan for the opponents I now face. But only my own personal experience will reveal to me, in time, if I have chosen correctly. If I have finally found any sort of answer. It will be the same for you.

We all have to find our way and figure out this thing called life. We all have to find our own path. So if these words ring true with you, if they resonate with you, listen to them. Follow them and your own heart. If they do not, don’t. Just follow your heart until you find what does.

Remember you are not alone. We are all in this together, we are all facing our individual “beasties,” the absolute best thing we can do for each other is love and accept ourselves so we can love and accept each other. To respond with love, letting peace and love rule our hearts. To follow our dreams and our hearts, encouraging others to do the same and supporting them while they do.

I will meet you on the fields of battle, and later, we shall drink in the halls of Valhalla, with all the other mighty warriors who have come before us!

Branching Off

My dad said something to me tonight that made it clear, it seemed to me, that he feels in some way responsible for my life. The subject of my birthday came up, just a few days away now, and he mentioned I would be the same age as Dale Earnhardt Jr. 41. After that he corrected himself, seems Mr. Earnhardt is actually 42. But anyway I commented that at least he has done something with his life, and my dad said his dad was famous, and that probably helped. I think I have read between the lines here fairly accurately.

As I prepared for bed tonight I asked myself how I could remove this guilt my father feels. I know that I am solely responsible for my life, its circumstances and situations. I decided that the only thing I could do was succeed. This brings up another  subject I will return to. In any case I figured if my dad could feel responsible for my failure he could also take credit for my success, and furthermore, I could credit him. I actually do have legitimate reasons to say that any success I have is because of him.

In my mind I was going over a speech I would give, and something occurred to me… No parents can ever produce anything else other than copies of themselves in their children. All parents are limited to the extent of their view of reality, the things they believe, the things they have learned. No father can ever teach his son or daughter to drive without first having learned to drive themselves, for example. Families are factories that perpetuate all that has been passed down from previous generations.

The only way any child can become different is by breaking away from the reproduction line, as it were. I had a choice in my own life. I could have stayed within the safe confines of my parent’s belief systems, and my fate would likely be to get married, have children and work all my life to support my family. That is my dad’s fate, and was his dad’s fate. But I didn’t do that. I broke off from that and am now on my own path.

However this is co-creative, to use Abraham’s terminology. If my parents had interfered with my investigations outside of what they believed, then I would have been trapped in my former faith. They did protect me from what they believed was satan’s influence, or worldly, when I was little. they did interfere then. But for whatever reason they took their hands off of me sometime around when I became a teenager, or maybe it was a combination of I was outside their influence and their habit of interfering was broken.

Whatever the case may have been the fact remains that no baby will ever learn how to walk if you carry them all the time, or if they come to depend on your hands being there. As a parent you know you have to let go, even when your baby is falling flat on their face, and this same scene is replayed many times in many different forms throughout our lives. There just comes a time when parent’s have to be hand’s off so their child can develop, grow and learn.

It also occurred to me that all the heroes of the Bible are children that broke away from their parents. I can’t think of a single instance where a child of someone like Moses or David simply inherited greatness from their parents. Jesus was nothing at all like his human mother and father! Feel free to correct me if I am wrong here.

In other words the factory model at work in the majority of families in our modern society is unable to produce anything exceptional. That is why we have no Jesus or Moses in our modern times. Because almost every child in America has followed in the footsteps of his or her parents. The last few great figures I can think of are perhaps John Carmack, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Einstein, Nikola Tesla. All nothing at all like their parents, all broken away from the family production line. But far, far to few, and the number of these special individuals looks, to me anyway, as if it is decreasing.

Exceptional people grow from ordinary soil. It applies not only to those who, on some physical level, have exceeded others. It also applies to the spiritual dimension. This breaking off is necessary in order for any person to experience that which is called God, Source, Universe or Higher Self, as well as many other names, for themselves. You Christians! Do you realize the Biblical heroes you admire and on which you base the lessons you teach, are all children who broke away from their parents, and in many cases, their peers, religions and society? Do you understand that your child will never be like these men and women as long as they do not break away from you?

For every parent out there, the best thing you can do for your child is support them in breaking away from you. By that I mean breaking away from what you believe and define as reality. If you want them to truly excel and succeed, you have to take your hands off, just as you did when they first learned how to walk. They can not stand on their own as individuals if they are depending on the crutches of your worldview. They can not experience God for themselves within the confines of any religion

When it comes down to it, you only know a tiny piece of all there is to know about the world or whatever energy created it. You know only one definition of the thousands that attempt to define that which is indefinable. Share these fragments with your children, and let them go into the world to find the pieces that fit for them. Let them construct their own view of the world and the energy that created it from these.

When the day comes that I am standing in from of others with a life worthy of sharing credit, I can give credit to my parents, because I was allowed to break off on my own. I have fallen on my face a number of times, and may many times more. But we all do that when we first learn to walk. As it has been said, the number of times you fall is not important. What is important is that you keep getting back up. Otherwise you will never learn to stand on your own, to walk.

For me the result is that I have a much bigger fragment to share with my own children, and they will have a bigger fragment still. Eventually, once every human has a big enough fragment the completed whole will be revealed.

In the words of Gorden Matthew Sumner (Sting), “If you love someone, set them free.”

Everything Happens for a Reason

You may have heard someone say this, may have even nodded your head, unthinking. It is unlikely that you understand the full ramifications of this statement, what it really means.

We will work off a number of premises today… First, as Abraham teaches through Esther Hicks, this thing called your conscience is actually just a collection of adopted beliefs about what is right or wrong, good or bad.

Second that nothing happens that should not have happened, without exception. If something happens, no matter how terrible or tragic it is perceived to be, the fact that it happened proves that it should have happened, because it did happen. On the flip side, if something has not happened that you feel should have happened, the fact that it has not happened proves it should not happen, because it has not happened, yet. No is not a permanent state, every no is a potential yes.

Third everything that happens is asked for or drawn to, without exception. Likely it is not conscious the majority of the time. Occasionally it is conscious. That thing you dread, that you fear, that you obsess over, that is the thing that will come to you, because you are calling it by strongly to you focusing on it.

In the shower today I started thinking about my brother. The holidays are coming up and we really do not get along. We have had some terrible fights around this time of year. I was thinking about how I asked for a brother, how I was so lonely as a kid and so desperately wanted someone to play with that I asked for a brother, and it wasn’t long after that that he was born. I am not sure I directly remember much of this. It is more like an old story I have told myself for many years, based in part off what my parents told me.

Up until today I have felt guilty for how I treated my brother in the past. We had some violent confrontations as kids. I spilled boiling water on him from a water distiller, not on purpose, when we were both small. In later years when he and a friend were picking on me I kicked him, hard, in the butt with a steel toed boot. I remember these things readily, I only just now remembered how he shoved a vacuum cleaner pipe into my face, leaving a scar on my nose I have today. I beat myself up over what I did for so long. Not anymore.

How many years would I go on punishing myself for these things I did in the past, knowing now that I only feel they are bad because I was literally programmed, through my conscience, which as I said is an inherited belief system about what is right or wrong, good or bad, to feel that way? Knowing also that my brother could only be hurt by me if he was, at some level, asking for it or drawing that experience to himself? Knowing also that I could only hurt him in that way if I was asking for that experience, or drawing it to me? The fact that it happened means it was supposed to

If something is supposed to happen it can not be felt or thought of as bad or wrong. Bad or wrong implies that something has happened that was not supposed to. It is at odds with what is. Being at odds with what is, this is the source of most, if not all, of our suffering. Everyone out there upset that Donald Trump is our president is only hurting themselves. The fact is that he is our president. That is what is, in this moment. That is the reality, in this moment. When you argue with what is, you argue with reality, and you only end up hurting yourself and others.

Everything I have done in the past, everything I have beat myself up over all these years, causing me to bind myself, oppress myself, repress myself and ultimately, hurt myself, every single thing that happened, was exactly what was supposed to happen. Let me repeat that. Everything that has happened was supposed to happen. End of story. That is reality. That is what, at each of those times, is.

Everything that happened to me I have asked for, I am solely responsible. Everything that I have done to others they have asked for, and they are solely responsible, with the exception that I could not have done any of that to them unless I was asking or drawing to myself the experience of doing that to them. It takes two, one to ask for an experience, one to deliver or hand out the experience, which is also asked for in some way. And as I said before the majority of this is not done at a conscious level.

Today I have decided to forgive myself. To issue myself a certificate of forgiveness for every perceived wrong I have done. I have admitted and accepted these things, embraced them, released them and let them go. I have decided that from this day forward, I will define what is right or wrong, good or bad, based on my feeling. My feelings will not lead me astray. I know I will not hurt anyone, even given opportunity to, because I am a sensitive person who does not want to hurt anyone. The idea of hurting anyone feels bad to me. Not because it is a sin and I will go to hell if I do it. Not because there will be consequences in the next life, or karma.

The only consequences we face for our actions are in this life, in the society where we live. There is no final judgement. We do not need the beliefs of others about what is right or wrong, good or bad, to control our behavior. Too often when we repress ourselves in certain areas of our lives they become twisted beyond natural, normal states. I truly believe, the rise of the LGBT community is solely due, as I have said before, to religious oppression and sexual repression. It is a rebellion against some ancient inherited part of our collection conscience that says what is right or wrong, bad or good, in a relationship. It is not our own personal beliefs. These are beliefs that have been passed down, generation after generation, that we have successively adopted.

I am certain the 60’s were mankind’s first collective cleanse, a shaking off of the old, adopted and inherited crap, and the LGBT movement is performing a similar function today. As a race we have collectively asked to be free from the strictures of our past, and now we are freeing ourselves. In the past we wanted the strict moral and religious code, that is what we collectively asked for or drew to us. Either we wanted it or we are all afraid of it. Either way there was a focus on that, and that is what we received. Now there is a focus away from morals and religion, and that is what we are receiving.

I think we are moving as a race into a future were there is less control over us and moral as well as religious flexibility. Honestly this is the way it should be. We should not have to be told to “…treat our neighbors as ourselves.” We should want to. We should not have to be told not to hurt others, we should have no desire to hurt others. We should not have to be told who or what God is. We should want to experience whatever or whoever God is for ourselves. If this is the future we are headed to, it is a bright one indeed!

But what I want you personally to take away from this, right now, in this moment, tossing aside everything else I have said, is that it is time to stop punishing yourself for the things you have done. Everything you perceive to be negative, bad or wrong that you have felt or thought, said or done in the course of your life. Whatever has happened was supposed to happen. Whatever you did was asked for and drawn to whoever you did it to. You also, in some way, asked for or drew to you these experiences. It is time to let them go, to admit and allow them, embrace them with love and acceptance, then release and let them go.

You are causing more harm to them, and yourself, by keeping these things alive in your memory. They can’t move on until you do. Move on. It’s done, it is in the past, no matter how horrible you perceive what you have felt or thought, said or done to be, that was then. You are not living there anymore. You are here, in this moment, reading these words. As long as you insist on revisiting the past you are denying the reality of what is, and your suffering, and their suffering, will continue.

Do everyone a favor and come back to this moment, right here, right now. To quote Ram Dass, “Be Here Now.” Where else can you be anyway? Can you go back to the past and change anything? No. But you can be here, in this moment, and from this moment on build a better future for yourself and others. I think that is a far better place to put your energy and focus, don’t you?

I don’t know about you, but I am done being a prisoner of the past. I am done letting others tell me what is right or wrong, bad or good, desirable or undesirable. I am done subscribing to any singular individual’s or group’s ideas about God and the afterlife. I want to learn from them all, be open to all viewpoints. Be open and receptive in general. Let peace and love rule my heart, openness and receptivity rule my mind. That’s what I want, and what I am doing right now, in this moment.

What do you want? Why do you believe what you believe? Why do you think certain things are wrong or bad, and others are right or good? I recently learned that the idea of earning, which I was long raised to believe was right and good, is actually not. Because it causes me to believe i have to earn everything I have, and so closes me off to receiving things without earning them.

Have you actually sat down and questioned some of your fundamental beliefs? Do so no, let go of those you are ready to release and let go. Keep those you still want to hold onto. But at least do yourself the favor of questioning them, because these beliefs of yours, whether they form your conscience, your religion, or both, are directing your life right now, in this moment.

Is your life, in this moment, headed in the direction you wish to go? If something feels off, it is. Honor your feelings. Follow them. Listen to them. You do not need others to control you, to make you behave. It can be natural to you. You do not need a conscience, and you do not need a religion. These are crutches, use them until you no longer need them, then learn to walk on your own.