I screwed up. In talking to someone today, I said the wrong thing, they picked up on it, and now they are mad at me. I should’ve known better, based solely on past experience. But that is a problem too, and I will explain why shortly. I wish I could speak like Tom Selleck in Blue Bloods, in his role as the Commissioner. He speaks with such authority, force and sureness. He acts like he is taking a moment to consider every response.
I struggle in my communication with others, and incidents like tonight’s leave me feeling like a scolded little child. A child caught doing something naughty. And I am 40-fucking-2 years old! I should never have to feel that way. I should be able to speak authoritatively. But this is not the reality I get to experience. Everyone else seems so much more adult and mature than I am. Yet I have age and experience – I have been around the sun as many times as they have if not more.
I am not sure I will ever understand what I am doing wrong, how to change it, or how to create any better experience of reality for myself in this area. I guess I will just always have to struggle with this, even when I am an old man, with many orbits and years of experience under my belt. For now I will just have to settle with this public confession, and an attempt at unraveling this mess and making it easier to grasp.
One of the issues is that what I was saying did not match what I was feeling, what was going on mentally and subsciously. I was not entirely honest in my communication. I was deceitful. It was not with any sort of malicious intent. I had looked at the menu, and I knew how much the gift certificate was worth, and it was little in comparison to the amount of items at that location. For a 4-piece fish and chips, it is nearly $25.00, $5.00 more than what I was given. So this stuff was going on in the back of my mind.
I was, and am, extremely and truly grateful for the gift. But if I am being honest, which I wasn’t then, and am being now, it was not one of the places I planned on going and it is not enough money to cover a bill that for five people will be in excess of $100.00. My “little” gift certificate, in the face of that cost, really is a tiny amount, a mere %20 of what would be needed.
But you can’t say any of that to someone who has given you a gift that, to them, is an exorbitant amount of money. Also it’s not even about that. There is social etiquette here, showing true appreciation, receiving the gift graciously the same way one would receive the highest of honors. I should conduct myself like someone receiving the Medal of Valor or whatever the highest honor a civilian is that an American citizen can receive for extraordinary service. I am not joking. Had I acted like that, I would not have offended this person.
What it comes down to is that both of us are responsible for the interaction and resulting offence. I gave the offence, certainly. But the offended party chose to be offended. How this person took what I said is entirely up to them. That is their part in this.
So in our interactions, and in the interactions between any two people, someone has to be the “bigger person.” Someone has to be the one to be very careful and considerate with what they say, thinking about every word before it is uttered. Someone has to have the highest of motivations, being motivated by love or as close to it as possible in all their responses. Someone has to be the one operating at the highest frequency and vibration as possible. That burden rests squarely on my shoulders, for no other reason that I am aware and conscious of the issue, and am also practicing being fully aware and conscious.
I can not base my responses on past experience, because that is criticism and judgment, and it will come out in what I say. As I have said before, just because something has happened in the past is no guarantee it will happen in the future. We all have the capacity for change, and if I respond to this person expecting them to be as they were, I will find myself reinforcing the way they have been, or if they have changed, I will find that my responses are unfair and no longer applicable. In other words, I have to take each and every conversation in a bubble of that moment in time only, sealed away from past and future. No expectations of any kind as to how the person will respond. Something that is very difficult to do.
I have to retrain myself entirely in how I interact with other people, and interacting with other people is already hard enough for me! I have to take each conversation I have like it is our first one, with no experience or preconceptions about the person I am communicating with. On top of that I have to be in harmony with myself, honest in what I say, not being deceitful for hiding anything. On top of that I have to be motivated by love, as as close to love as possible, operating at the highest vibration and frequency possible.
I come away from this wondering why things have to be so fucking hard. Why I have to be the one tiptoeing through a virtual minefield. Why I have to be the one to change. Why I have to jump through so many hoops. I felt the same way about dating, and making friends. It seems like it is far more difficult for me, that I have to do so much more, than anyone else. I look around and see couples and it seems to me, in fact I am pretty sure, they didn’t have to deal with half the shit it seems I have to deal with.
So I am feeling guilty and ashamed right now. Also a little angry and self-righteous. This mule is tired of getting whipped! I will apologize to the person I offended. I will be sincere and honest in my apology. But I am fucking tired of being the one who is always apologizing and going through all this bullshit. I wish I could talk to people straight up, cut right to the chase, tell it like it is, tell them exactly how I feel, with the assurance and certainty that they will not take offence, never take offence, and in doing the same with me, receive the same from me. I wish things were as easy for me as they are for everyone else. I am tired of fighting a war it seems I will never win, one which nobody gives a shit about.
Try to sift through the detritus and swear words to find the little nuggets of teaching here. I know it’s hard, but feel what you feel, acknowledge and admit your feelings, embrace them and let them go when you are ready, and be honest about your feelings. Let that honest come through the things you say, and try, as best you can, to be empowering, edifying, positive and uplifting in all your conversations. Let your motives be pure, and operate at the highest vibration and frequency possible.
If you fail to do these things, it will catch you out, as it did me. People can pick up on things, even talking to you over the phone. So think about each and every word before it leaves your mouth. In a situation like mine, focus on the giving, the spirit in that, and not the gift. Find what you can honestly appreciate and are thankful for, and when you thank that person, focus on and think about that.
Hopefully in sharing this, you can avoid making my mistake.