The Biggest and Hardest Realization Yet

OK folks, this post is gonna be rough. For me, as I am barely able to concentrate, focus or think. Experiencing coughing and light-headedness. For you as the subject will likely be just as hard for you to work through as it has been and still is for me.

To start, get you a copy of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money”

I found this book on the shelf at my local library. Chances are yours will have it too. It is well worth the read. Now I am going to paraphrase a lot here, but essentially I cracked this open, began to read, put it down, and just last night picked it up again. I came face-to-face with Mr. Cease instructing me to imagine myself in a situation with no support, no money, everything I have gone. I realized a couple of things after reading these few pages (34-39).

I am EXTREMELY and SERIOUSLY attached to abundance, to acquiring it and attaining it, especially in the form of money. I am also EXTREMELY and POWERFULLY averse to experiencing any kind of reality without this, to the point that I would rather be dead than continue to live as I have. I have often said that I NEED or WANT a, “life worth living” or I would rather be dead. I don’t feel that my current life is one I want to continue to live. But it is all based on or built around having abundance, which I see primarily as money.

Somehow, despite going through Susan Jeffers, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” and a variety of Buddhist teachings of, “No Attachment, No Aversion”, learning to feel what I feel then release it and let it go, learning to not be attached to outcomes and do my best to embrace everything fully, DESPITE ALL THIS I realized last night that I was attached to money and averse to not having it. End of story. This pattern, or belief, or whatever the hell it is has been operating there, outside my awareness, all this time, through all these experiences and things I have learned. I was blind to it. I see it now. I am staring right at the little fucker!

Somehow a number of things have become twisted in me, to where if i had the experience again I had when I went to California, only this time sans everything including support – just having the clothes on my back – that is the worst fate I could imagine for myself. Being homeless. Searching for doorways to sleep under or benches to sleep on. That to me is a fate worse than death. In fact, in my mind, death would be preferable.

But why would such a fate be necessary, or even possible? I have been told again and again, through dozens of different teachers, from all corners of philosophy, religion and spirituality, that the Universe by nature is abundant. All are provided for, they have only to open and receive that abundance. No bird lacks a place to build their nest! In fact, a state of not having one’s needs met is artificial, man-created. It is man that has created any sort of wealth hierarchy, and the idea of wealth to boot. Money is a man-made invention, as is the society in which it is used. Birds do not pay rent! In other words, the natural state of all life forms in the Universe is abundance. Scarcity is an invention.

I know this, intellectually, and I have even experienced it a little first-hand. Yet I forgot this. Just let it slip my mind. I do not know when this attachment to money, and aversion to not having it, first took root in me. I look back, and I see myself standing outside the little community church I used to attend with my parents. I was hanging out with Andrew and Tim – friends of mine. I was in my teens. The brothers could get a little rough, my shirt was pulled or something, and I got super angry. I can trace the roots back at least that far. No reason for a young man to be obsessed with clothing unless he is afraid of scarcity, and below that, attached to money and averse to not having it at some level.

However far back it goes – likely adopted from my parents – it is time to free myself of it now. I see clearly that it has even infected my work at YouTube. I have been obsessed with likes, views and subscriptions. Why? So I could monetize my channel. But the energy folks – the energy is what it is all about. No matter how scientifically minded you might be, to where this idea of energy seems like some New Age pseudo-science garbage, it doesn’t change the fact that the energy we put into something has a definite affect on the outcome we experience when we share it.

In simple terms, I put up these videos with an desperate, grasping, greedy energy of trying to get likes, subscriptions and views. That energy is the opposite of, and therefore repels, any abundant, loving and supportive energy. To make it even simpler… The energy I have put into the videos I have uploaded so far is the opposite of the things I want from from these videos. It in fact pushes away the things I was hoping to get, that I want or even feel I need, from these videos.

You want scientific proof? I can give it to you. Bdubs, Grian – any and every currently and still successful YouTuber have one thing in common. Go back to when they first uploaded content. There was never a mention of becoming a YouTube star. No constant attempts to get likes, subscriptions and views. All of them – EVERY SINGLE ONE – are just enjoying themselves and sharing that with the world. I don’t think you could find a single exception. I have been watching these guys for weeks now, how they started out, trying to figure out what the secret is, and it has been staring me in the face the whole time. Until last night I was incapable of seeing it.

What I have learned is that if I want to become a successful YouTuber I have to stop trying to become a successful YouTuber. I have to stop creating content with the energy of, “I want” behind it. I know if I were to try to cook something with that same energy it would be nowhere near as good as when I cook things JUST FOR THE LOVE OF COOKING, AND SHARING IT WITH LOVED ONES! The energy you put into a thing affects its outcome. You can call that a Universal Law.

If I want to be successful at YouTube, I have to let that go, first thing, as well as my attachment to money and aversion to not having it. Then I just need to record videos for the joy of it, the pleasure I get from that, or editing them, or both, and the desire to share what I am enjoying with others. Any other motivation is guaranteed to fail. That’s just the way it is.

The content you enjoy online the most is stuff the folks are doing because they enjoy it, they love it, and they just want to share their enjoyment of it and love for it with you. If you can find any examples that prove me wrong comment below with a link. But I think I am seeing it clearly.

This even ties in with flow VS force, another thing I have learned intellectually and actually experienced. I have been using too much force trying to make things happen in my life that I want. Affirmations to reprogram me for abundance. Creating content for YouTube in the hopes of striking it big. I am sure I have encountered resistance, and instead of allowing myself to be aware of it I pushed through. I can’t even clearly see any instances of it now. But if I were to think about it, I am sure I would find some.

Off the top of my head, the fact I struggled so hard to edit a video last week. It was just really hard, and I am fairly certain that this was resistance. Had I been aware and in the right mindset I would have stopped and addressed it. It wasn’t flowing for me to edit that video. It goes behind creative resistance that may come in the form of Writer’s Block. Or maybe that is what Writer’s Block really is. It is a warning sign that you are trying to push through when you need to stop, course correct, and find another route. I will have to think on this.

The question is can I apply, and keep applying, what I have learned here, all I have realized, and change the energy with which I have been creating content for YouTube, and to a greater extent, with which I have been living my life? The energy I have been applying to my experience of life as a whole? Because until I change it, my experience of life will not change, and I will continue to fail at YouTube, or any creative endeavor for that matter.

I leave this post as a record and a reminder. I have work to do…

Why Is That Undesired, Unwanted Thing In My Life?

So I have taken it upon myself to help care for my parent’s 15+ year old dog. She drools, she has bad breath, she has mommy issues and separation anxiety, and she has little if any control over her bowels. Oh and she can’t really walk too well. The simple solution is to put her down right? Ever heard of parents wanting to put down their sickly human child? No? Well some parents have “fur babies”, and Amy, (Stinkerbell as I call her), is both my mom and dad’s fur baby. They have discussed putting her down, but it is more likely we are stuck dealing with her literal shit until she finally dies. Shouldn’t be long now, God willing!

I get angry and frustrated with Amy. Why? There is a root in fear somewhere – maybe that taking care of her means I will have less time to do the things I want to do? I don’t know if I ever wrote about that, but anytime you are feeling anger or frustration there is a fear of some need or other not being met at the heart of it. Anyhow, I realized something as I was helping Amy up for the umpteenth time (I am so tired of staring at doggy ass!) Amy is a symptom of some sort of cause in my life. In other words, even if I were to kill her, or she were to die, or my parents were to put her down, she would simply be replaced by something else. Amy is a physical representation of some sort of symptom of some sort of cause that I have to address in my life. In other words, I created this experience for myself, and Amy is just playing the role I have assigned her, at some level outside my conscious awareness. So if I want to be free of Amy, I have to free myself from whatever it is she represents – whatever cause she is a symptom of.

As I thought about this, I realized that EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING in my life that I don’t want – every experience, interaction, etc is all drama I have created for myself. The people, doggies, mosquitoes or anything else – even issues with my computer or all this crap I have to do for my mom on her computer – IT IS ALL SIMPLY PLAYING THE ROLE I HAVE ASSIGNED IT. This isn’t a decision made with conscious awareness obviously. It comes of old beliefs, feelings, ideas, perspectives and so forth that have become habitual and are running on auto-pilot in the background. What I need is a Task Manager that can trace back each process to its cause so I can terminate it. But as that does not exist (at least as far as I know) all I can do is practice placing my awareness on my anger, my frustration or any other negative feeling or form of resistance I may be feeling. Only in awareness can these old habits be noticed and then broken.

So… What form is Amy taking in your life? What is it you are going through that you want to be free of? What experiences are you having that you do not want, or outright hate? Ask yourself what beliefs, feelings or perspectives you may have habitually had that has manifested this in your life. Start placing your awareness on any negative feelings or resistance that may come up when you are dealing with your Amy. I gotta do the same. Because I am loosing patience, and the one thing all our elders need is our patience. How could we care for them otherwise?

Another Issue with Taking The Victim Role

So as I am sure I have mentioned before I am working my way through ACIM (A Course In Miracles.) Today I read something that, essentially, said that when we take any sort of victim stance (excluded, rejected, hurt, offended, etc.) we make our brother, also referred to as the son of God, guilty of doing that to us. It is an attempt to mix two dissimilar things – I can’t quite recall their names. I am still working this out in my mind. Anyway that is what the ego does. It attempts to make what is unreal or illusory real.

The fact is that your brother (this meaning any other fellow human) is a Son of God and is as innocent as you are. Any attempt to make them guilty of anything also, inevitably, makes you guilty as well. It occurs to me that the other problem with taking a victim stance is that not only are you playing the role of a victim, which disempowers you, you are also victimizing the one or ones you are making the victimizers. Because, like you, they are actually innocent.

I know this is hard to grasp, but I will try to paint the picture another way. To be excluded, left out or rejected takes, at a minimum, two parties. You, the excluded, left out and rejected one, and the others who have, in the reality you are making, excluded, left out or rejected you. They become guilty, you become innocent, so it seems in your perception. The same if you are beaten, robbed or raped. The same if you are cursed at or given the cold shoulder. Any treatment you deem undesirable that you receive requires two parties, one party will perpetuate the act, the other the act is perpetuated on.

Now this will disturb you, but even when we are talking about genocidal acts – the Jews being killed en masse by the Nazis – the Jewish people had their part in creating the atrocities they experienced The Jewish people placed the Nazis in the role of the victimizers, making the Nazis guilty and the Jewish people innocent. But the truth, at a soul level, the truth beyond the ego and the body it thinks of as itself, is that all are innocent, pure Sons of God, and to put anyone in the role of a victimizer is to victimize them.

When you play the part of the victim you disempower yourself, and you disempower those who are playing the roles of your victimizers. Both states, victim and victimizer, exist only in perception. There is a silent, unstated mutual agreement here. You put on the mask of the victim, they put on the mask of the victimizer, but these are only masks, not the true individual underneath. At any time you could take off your victim mask and put on a victimizer mask. Likely you already have, many times. And your victimizere can take off their victimizer masks and become the victims. But as I said, these are only masks, only roles we play, NOT The true actors.

An example drawn from my own life… I am working very hard at becoming a successful YouTuber, and my main work is in playing Minecraft, creating videos for it. But I see now I have fallen into a trap of my own making. Because I have placed YouTube in the role of the victimizer – making it hard for poor me, a struggling YouTuber, to succeed. And I have placed players I enjoy watching, players I respect, into victimizer roles, making me the excluded, ignore and left out one. When I realized this I also realized I didn’t want to do that. As I said I respect these guys – I want to be their friend – I do not want them to be my enemy.

The truth of the matter, at least as far as this server I wish to be a part of is concerned. is that these guys have little if any knowledge of me. How can I blame them for excluding or ignoring me when they likely do not even know I exist? This drama exists only in my head. It is coming directly from the ego, I am sure. If I want to be a part of this server, if I want to become friends with these guys, then I have to climb up to their level, not drag them down to mine. I have to keep working hard at Minecraft and become the best builder and YouTuber I can. If any opportunities come to collaborate or join others in the Minecraft community on a project, I need to jump in there. The question is, “How can I contribute? What can I do?” instead of “What can they do for me?”

I need to do this with my whole heart, even if I am never noticed, even if I never get to be a part of this server. Make that my goal, my intention, work towards reaching it in whatever ways it flows into my life to do so, but let go of any expectations – any idea or thought that anyone owes me anything. I have to be unattached from the outcome. Let go of any demanded or expected result. Just enjoy myself – that is the biggest key. If Minecraft (and making videos for it) is my passion, then pursue that relentlessly. If it isn’t, find what is my passion and go after that. The burden and responsibility for whatever I think of as success lies solely on me – nobody else. It is time for me to stop making myself the victim, and to stop making others the victimizers. It is time for me to stop disempowering myself, and in so doing, disempower others.

I am not sure exactly how to go about all of this. I don’t know how things will play out. I am struggling with my mindset every day. There is a lot of work I need to do internally, and in applying myself to whatever my passion is, which in this case seems to be Minecraft. I can’t let things get me down as I have before. I can’t keep telling myself disempowering, unsupportive stories like, “YouTube is flooded with Minecrafters” or “You aren’t good enough” or “You came into Minecraft too late” or” All the OG Minecrafters have either left or don’t care about you” or “You’re too old”, etc. My focus has to be on doing what I enjoy and am passionate about. I need to have a dream, a vision, I am working toward, but I also have to be able to freely let go of it as needed. And I also have to trust that the Universe will provide me with what I have envisioned, its equivalent, or something better.

So… How about you? Is there anyone you need to release from the victimizer role? Do it now. By freeing them you also free yourself.

6-10-2021 – Failing, But Still Trying

I am sorry, but I am failing to get at least one blog post out a week. I made this commitment at least to myself, if I didn’t mention it here, but I can honestly say I do not recall if I did. Still the intention remains, and I am here now, writing. Not sure what exactly I want to write about. All I know is I want to write. So here I am.

I suppose some updates are needed. I started a GoFundMe for my parents, at the advice of one of the people living here with us:

I have also gone in another direction with Patreon, but feel it is not enough.. It irks me, because to be an artist’s Patron means that you support them as they work on their art. The artist is not expected to offer incentives for this. But that is precisely what Patreon expects. Or at least in my perception it is. I should be able to offer a $5 or $10 single tier that is just providing support for my work, and expect to receive support. I shouldn’t have to offer anything. But, as far as I can tell, this is not how it works.

When Patreon works it works EXTREMELY well. I know one user, doing shaders for Minecraft, who is getting $50,000 a month. A MONTH. And they haven’t even done anything since December 2020! To me it looks like if you have something you are doing that people are interested in, or that they want, or even if you have an established thing you have been providing people with, THEN you will succeed at Patreon. If you have a large YouTube following, that is the thing you have been providing people with. Your content. You will succeed as well. I think 50K is not the average, but I do believe that average is 10K a month.

So if you are someone who has a lot of YouTube followers, or who has been making content for a game for a long time that is heavily downloaded, then you will do very well at Patreon. Start a campaign and don’t miss out in this opportunity. If you don’t already have a Patreon, or some equivalent, get one.

All this to say I am failing, but still trying. Failing to get anywhere at YouTube, still making content. Failing to write consistently here, still trying. What’s funny is I have an audience here. But it is a 99.9% silent one. I know people are following me, coming to my articles, maybe even reading them. If I had the same amount of activity at YouTube I would be able to monetize my channel. If I had the same amount of activity at Patreon, with people actually subscribing, I would be earning enough a month to stand on my own AND help my parents. I guess interest at WordPress doesn’t translate into energy I could plug into one of my many needs. But that is OK.

You see I never started this blog to make money with it. Never had the intention of monetizing this blog. Hated to bring up Patreon when I finally did, but had to because I needed support. I needed to find some way to being in money, and had to try every avenue open to me. I still don’t want to monetize this blog. I might publish it someday independently. But that’s it. I just started writing here because I needed the outlet to express myself. Also I wanted to share some of my poetry.

In just a few weeks I do not know what my situation will be. My parents and I still have not found a place to rent. Or rather we have found a lot of places to rent, and my dad has been trying to get someone on the phone, but nobody is returning his calls. It is a very unprofessional area over here, as far as I can tell. I mean our current landlord, I am ashamed to say who shares my first name, is raising the rent during COVID. Yes, we are coming out of it. But you don’t raise the rent on a house infested with carpenter ants, a falling apart exterior and bad wiring, to $3500 a month, during a time when everyone’s wallet is tighter than… Tighter than… OK, no publicly acceptable analogies here. But you get my point.

It doesn’t look good. I am trying to help my dad find a place, but yet again I am failing, yet still trying. Either some people are just destined to succeed. They work no harder than me, yet are rewarded better. Or I am doing something incorrectly. I am trying to fix this machine called success with no instructions, no manual, only my gut, heart and intuition to guide me. Others around me have theirs up an humming. I can’rt even get mine to start. Could anyone blame me if I just gave up? Honestly?

That’s it for now. I will TRY to see you again next week. Or earlier. Ya’ll are due some poetry. Enough of the doom and gloom. That stuffs supposed to go my OTHER blog.

Our Mindsets Are Our Greatest Obstacles To Our Abundance

In a little over a month my parents and I will be homeless. Today I learned that one of the families staying here has found a place. I celebrated this, and shared it with my dad. I thought it would encourage him. I mean, if they could find a place, so can we. But he is stuck in a mindset that you have to have money to buy a house. The fact that this couple had money enough to purchase this place seems to confirm that for him. He has no money set aside. I tell him about Downpayment Assistance, but it is like he doesn’t hear me. He usually starts in with his other mind-rut – his credit history.

As we travel around the area I see houses being built. I see subdevelopments that are filled with occupied houses. And I know that statistically speaking, not all of these people had money enough for a down payment. I know of one man who is renting a place, without a job, without any known income, and with a drinking/substance abuse problem. HE has a roof over his head. I point this out to my dad, but it goes right OVER his head. If it isn’t the chestnut, the same old saw, of this man having money from the sale of a house its this man has better credit.

It occurs to me that the people all around us are in a variety of monetary situations. Some have no money at all and no employment. But some of those folk are living happily in their own houses, while others from this same group are living in a homeless camp somewhere. On the other side of the coin there are those with plenty of money and/or a good paying job, who are living on the side of the road, even as some of that same group are enjoying nice new houses. The only thing separating these people is their mindset – the set of their minds. What they allow themselves to have and what they believe they deserve. That’s it.

I honestly don’t think money plays as big a role in getting a house as we are generally programmed from childhood to believe. There are people living in penthouses in New York who do little if any work, and it isn’t because they have a trust fund or come from money. Just as their are artists, dancers and singers working two jobs as they try to get their foot in the door. I am certain that as long as my dad doesn’t honestly and truly believe that he deserves a house, as long as he doesn’t allow himself to have one at any level in his mind, he will not be able to get a house. His fate, and by proxy, mine, is sealed, were I to cast my lot in with his.

I can’t do that anymore. I honestly believe I deserve my own house, my own space. I have worked hard all my life, and if that was any real metric whereby eligibility were granted, the scales would have to be tipped in my favor. I also want one, and am doing my damn best to allow myself to have one. Even without any income – only the future possibility of becoming a well-paid YouTuber, the goal I am working towards right now. The problem is I am infected by the same mind-virus, the same meme, as my father. I contracted the fucking thing from him. I caught myself later in the day, just a little earlier this evening, thinking about how I lost a subscriber at YouTube and doubting that I will ever make it as a YouTuber.

I realized it then and I see it very clearly now that as long as I do not allow myself to “have” success at YouTube, as long as a doubt myself and do not feel I deserve it, or am worthy of it, I will never have it. Ever. I am doomed to fail – in fact I failed before I even got started! I was advised to start a GoFundMe for my folks. Try to raise money to get them a house. I see now that it is useless for me to do so if I continue to think, basically that, “well I can put it up but I don’t think it will do any good.” If I put it up with that mindset, that belief, it will not succeed. That’s all there is to it. I am sabotaging myself and my parents.

I won’t belabor this but to put it bluntly I don’t think I will survive this. I have been fighting this bullshit for a long time now. I can’t seem to get out on the other side. I can’t seem to cure myself of this disease, free myself from this thing that both holds me down and keeps me back. But there is one thing I can do, maybe the only thing of any value I have ever done, and that is to warn you. Buying into the beliefs that were programmed into you since childhood by your authority figures, parents and religion is a dead-end road. You are marching a straight and narrow road from the cradle to the grave. You will have been born only to live a miserable life and then die. It doesn’t have to be that way, but must be as long as you believe it.

Now this may not be a belief you are consciously aware of. How often have you listened to the things you tell yourself? I mean REALLY LISTENED? Is your self-talk supportive or not? Friend or foe or frenemy (foe in disguise.) Are you allowing yourself to do the things you care about or have a passion for? Are you of the mindset that there is only so much to go around and you have to get yours before someone else does, or do you believe in an abundant universe? What are you allowing yourself to experience and to have? A house? A happy marriage? Work that speaks to you or that you can at least tolerate? Do you have money enough to live the kind of life you want to have? How do you feel when you look at something you want and say, “I now allow myself to have this, or something like it.” What kind of people have you surrounded yourself with? If you express some risk you want to take, do they support you or try to stop you?

Don’t wait until it is too late, until those old mindsets, those old habitual patterns, are so deeply engraved that you just can’t find a way out. Break free, rock the boat, shake yourself loose. Stop following everyone single-file to the cemetery. Stop doing what others tell you, stop doing what others want you to do, stop living for others. I have said it before that if you do not fill your cup, you will have nothing to give anyone else. You gotta find your path, and you will know when you are on it, because your old beliefs, your old ways of thinking, will just fall away. You will find real and lasting happiness there. Your life is not something meant to be endured. It is meant to be enjoyed. You are here to experience life and all the Universe has to offer joyfully. Open yourself up to that idea.

The only thing standing between you and something you want are your beliefs and mindset – the habitual way you think. Change your mind and you change your life. Different ways of thinking open up different experiences and options. What are you allowing yourself to experience and to have? Is it what you really want, deep down inside? Take a moment and listen to what that still small voice inside is whispering. The sooner you get started, the easier it will be to choose a way of thinking that supports you and opens you up to new possibilities. You know what happens when you stay entrenched? Literally in a trench? You will either starve to death or you get taken out by enemy fire. Nobody who has ever stayed in a trench, never leaving, has survived.

I fucked up. I tried and quit piano, though I enjoyed it. I tried and quit singing, even though deep inside I want to sing, I want to free my voice without fear or shame. I tried drawing, and despite the fact I have proof I can draw, I still don’t consider myself to be any good at it. I tried mapping for games I enjoyed playing, and quit when I compared my work to others and came up short. I tried programming and couldn’t stick with it. I keep picking up writing and dropping it again. I start a story and quit a couple of chapters in. I tried to meet someone to share my life with, and have long since given up. In fact I went through my entire time at college without really socializing at all – or even trying. I am running hell-bent at YouTube because it is my last hope, and I think it actually might be.

DO NOT follow my example! DO BETTER! Your happiness, your life, literally depends on it!

Criticizing and Judging VS Acceptance and Allowing

So I have taken up typing again in an attempt to learn a new keyboard. In an effort to diagnose any issues with my connectivity, I wanted to take a moment and write something here.

I was taking care of the dog, and I caught myself in the act of criticizing and judging. I realized that there is no difference between me and another person who lives here. She is overtly critical and judgmental, I am covertly that way. I realized the reason this person is in my life is because that is the frequency or vibration I have been operating at. I have been critical and judgmental, just not aware of it, not really. Maybe there have been previous moments of lucidity, of awareness. But maybe this was the first time I had become truly aware of my hidden (from conscious awareness) critical and judgmental nature.

The reason these people are in my life is because of the way I am, and even going over this is more criticism and judgment, towards them and myself. Then I realized something else, what criticism and judgment actually is. It is a “pushing away from.” It is a way to distance, segregate, and separate. But when we do that, we are not accepting or allowing. We can not accept ourselves if we are constantly criticizing and judging ourselves,. We are not accepting others if we are criticizing and judging them. To accept someone is the opposite of criticizing or judging them.

Now think how this applies to other areas of your life. In what other areas are you criticizing and judging? Money perhaps? Do you have criticisms towards money, or judgments about it? If you do, then you are not accepting money, and if you are not accepting money, you are not allowing it into your life. The energy of it is blocked for you, so the physical form (currency) is not showing up. At least not like you want it to. You are working very hard to get something that you are pushing away! Any hunter will tell you that chasing after your prey will all but assure you will never catch it.

So how do we stop criticizing and judging? Simple. We become aware that we are doing it. We can practice being aware of when we are about to criticize or judge, and with practice, we can choose not to criticize or judge. What we need to do is not that complicated. But even though it is simple, it remains very difficult, because your egoic self will try very hard to lull you back into autopilot so it can retain control. You have been sleeping at the wheel for a long time, and your ego has been driving your life. Is your life something you are happy with? I know mine isn’t. So I want to start taking the wheel and see where it will end up if I am driving. But this takes one more thing, and that is being present.

So yes, you will have to find a way to practice being present. You can’t sharpen your awareness and weaken the ego’s grasp without it. The ego’s power comes from you staying asleep, always dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. BTW, this is why all “manifestation teachings” instruct that you don’t worry about the how. That is just a form of worrying about the future, meaning that you are identified with the ego and under its power. As long as you are under the sway of the ego, your natural state of abundance remains blocked.

It is only in the present moment is the ego’s power weakened, and you have a chance to regain control. A typical form of practicing presence is known as meditation. I know you have heard of that by now. But ANYTHING you can do, where you can focus on your body, whatever it is doing, whatever position it is in, whatever breathing is occurring – if you can do something and just tune in, that can become a away to practice presence and sharpen your awareness. You could do this while washing dishes. Or writing. Or a myriad of other task you may do throughout your day.

If you are struggling to manifest money, this may be the one thing holding you back. Discover your real feelings and thoughts towards money. Free write or stream of consciousness write about it. No editing, no holding back. Get real with yourself. If you see anything there that is not simple acceptance and allowing, you are closed in those areas, in those ways, to money, and the only way to bring money into your experience is to open up. As I have said before, every flower opens in faith that the bee will come. It is only in opening that a flower can receive. It is also in only in opening that the flower can share its beauty with the world.

The sun is shining.

It is time to open.

3-29-2021 – Putting On My Glasses

Sometimes I just don’t have a title for an entry. This is one of those times. I figure a title will become apparent as I write. That’s how it usually works. Just a little peek inside this particular writer’s process, for those curious.

Today I sat down and thought about what I really wanted to do, in this case regarding Morrowind, OpenMW and the Construction Set (Morrowind’s Editor.) Last night I watched a video where my house mod, Amaya Lodge, was mentioned again. It made me want to return to Morrowind. Something there feels incomplete, unfinished, or maybe just unrealized?

I was having an extra hard time seeing the screen, and everything seemed so blurry. Some years back I did get prescription eyeglasses, but I have hardly have ever worn them. I donned them this afternoon, and everything became a lot clearer. But it also makes me a lot more depressed. I have to face it that I am getting older, and that my eyes just aren’t as good as they once were. Hell a lot of things are no longer as good as they once were!

I am 45 years old and going nowhere. The absolute best thing I have ever created or made is this house mod, and one other mod, for Morrowind, a game that peaked nearly 20 years ago, maybe a little less. This house mod, Amaya Lodge, and my other mod, Valenwood, are the only things I have done, that I can think of at the moment, that anyone cares about. Maybe some of my writing here has touched someone, and some of the words I have written here are treasured by someone out there, but I do not know it, I have not received any confirmation that this might be the case.

I have to face that I have been working at things for 20 years, and I have nothing to show for it. An once again I am faced with the fact that something I determined I would never do I have done. In this case, I determined that I would not work for 30 years somewhere and retire with nothing to show for it, like my dad. Well here I am, already 20 years on that path!

I am just going to have to face certain facts, certain realizations and things that have become more and more apparent to me. I am going to have to change quite a few things. I have to clean up the mess of my life to make room for a better one. I have to get clear on what I want to do, and be honest with myself about this. I have to figure this shit out, in other words. Because if I am still sitting here, 10 years from now, still having done nothing with my life, I would be better off dead.

I don’t need to be or do anything for others. I don’t need to get caught up in the doing itself and loose sight of the goal. I need to allow myself to be do and have whatever it is I want, and I have to embrace how I really feel. I have to work with my feelings, wherever they lead me. I have to find my own path and walk it, and I have to learn how to support myself while doing so. It seems as if designing in some capacity is one aspect of my life I need to integrate in some way, and writing is another. So that is what I will do.

As I now have to make putting on these glasses a habit, so the screen I am looking it resolves from a blurry mess into something legible, I have to “put on the glasses” in regards to the things in my life that have remained blurry, indistinct, out of focus. I have to bring these areas back into conscious awareness, and I have to deal with whatever has been hiding there in the corners.

But I have to admit, I am really feeling lost and discouraged about everything right now. I wish I had some reassurance that things would be OK, that they would work out. I wish I knew enough about what awaits me in the future so I could either course correct or run to it. No matter what we do, the future will always remain just out of reach. It will always be uncertain. It requires faith, trust and knowing that the Universe is guiding you in the right direction, and you have to allow the Universe to do so. But it is not easy, not at all.

I really hope I can figure this out…

The Ego, The Present Moment and Some Unexpected Revelations!

More and more I think Eckhart Tolle is right. I think there is definitely something good, a worthy practice or pursuit, in staying in the present moment. As I continue to plow through ACIM and learn about the intricacies of the ego, I am coming to understand some things, some past experiences.

I first “met” or encountered or even experienced Tolle I think back when I was living in my grandma’s attic. Man I really miss those days! There I was, all this space to myself, places where I could go outside and do yoga or meditate, and I never really appreciated it! I guess the fact that my mother and my grandmother were constantly arguing, and I felt like I had to play referee may have contributed to my not seeing the blessings I had been given. Also I was far away from town and other people – no social opportunities. But I had a bed, my own relatively warm room (warmer than the RV anyway!) and plenty of space and time to do something with my life. If I had been intelligent at all I would have started to be serious about YouTube, back in 2009, BEFORE all their restrictions and censorship. Who knows? Maybe if I had I would now have my own huge channel and thousands of subscribers, enough that I could relocate anywhere I like.

In any case, some folks were going to repair our bathroom and remove mold, so my grandmother’s insurance company moved us all out into hotels until everything was finished. While I enjoyed my time at the Staybridge, I read Tolle, Basho and Ryokan. That’s when I started to write these shorter, Haiku-like poems. It just fit me, felt right. In immersing myself in Tolle’s teachings, I found myself in that space where poetry flows effortlessly through me. It is the exact same space I am in when I am in the natural flow of my life instead of struggling against the current. One way you, the readers, know that I am not in the present moment, not in the flow, is that there are no new poems being shared here. The few I have shared these last few months were written last year, or during some brief time when I was in a happier state. When I am angry, depressed or suffering from cabin fever, like now, the stream of poetry finds no access through me, and I can no longer be a channel for it. Or anything of a loving or spiritual nature. I am sure you can see that from the things I have written these last few months.

I think I understand a few things about this now… It occurs to me that a truly enlightened person is permanently focused on the present moment. They have to be, and this is important because, the ego does not have any influence or power in the present moment. I am certain this is true. Nobody who is fully aware, fully present, gets caught up in other people’s BS. This must be how I was able to stay at my brother’s the last time I was there, and when he blew up, I did not engage. I was able to just walk away. I am sure I wrote about this here some years ago. When you are fully aware, fully present, fully IN your present moment experience, you are happier, you are more inspired, you are more loving and you are more of a conduit for true spiritual energy, that might manifest through you in the form of writing, or art, or some other creative endeavor. In other words, if you are blocked creatively, it seems to me the most effortless fix would be to find a way to get into the present moment. Meditate, accept your feelings about your art as they are, embracing them, feeling through them, then releasing them and letting them go. If you can get into the present moment, and practice staying there even for a few days, my guess is that the ability to create will come flowing back.

From what I can understand of ACIM, the ego is past-focused, and it uses the past as a reference for the future. But it NEVER, EVER dwells in the present moment. Someone in the sway of their ego will find themselves easily caught up in the ego BS of others around them. They are easily influenced by the actions of others. They experience anger, discontent, frustration, unhappiness, stress and a host of other negative emotions. Why is that? Lost a train of thought here, but will type in in faith and knowing the words will come if important…

Why is it that someone being driven or influenced by their ego is unable to experience more joyful, spiritual states? Simple… Because there is this idea (I guess it comes from the ego) that the present moment experience should be something other than what it is. It is that simple. It really is. If you are angry it is because you are in denial of how things are. You want things to be different, you believe and really feel they should be different. But reality doesn’t bend to your will like that. Actually, as long as you are angry and struggling against reality, you will continue to create a reality that seems to be fighting against you, that seems to be in some struggle with you. It’s that rowing against the current state. Caught up in your ego, you never realize, it never occurs to you, that you can simply accept reality as it is, get back into the current, and determine to create a better experience for yourself.

You see YOU create the current of your life! How’s that for mind-blowing? All the energy you have focused and invested in whatever or wherever you have focused or invested it over the years you have been alive has created a stream, a natural state, in which your life flows. The only way to change that flow is to place all your energy and focus in the new direction you wish to go. And you start RIGHT NOW, in this moment. Then you practice placing your energy and focus in this new direction, every day, until the new current is established. Then you flow in that direction. The current CURRENT you’re are in is very powerful. Or at least it seems to be very powerful, and in your perception it is very strong. You have put YEARS of energy and focus into it. So don’t expect overnight miracles. They can happen – “Anything Is Possible, All Possibilities Exist” (the author), but it is more likely you will have to continue to ride them as you slowly shift things and change their direction.

What does this entail? ACCEPTING THINGS AS THEY ARE, IN THIS MOMENT! Yup, that is what you have to do. The ego has likely influenced the current flow of your life, and that is why your life sucks big, giant hairy goat balls right now! The ego does not have your best interests at heart, only its own. It doesn’t care about you at all. In fact it hates you. That is essentially what ACIM says, and for all I know it is true. The good news is that each moment brings a chance for you to change where you put your energy and focus, an opportunity to begin the most likely (but not necessarily) slow, tedious process of creating a better present moment experience for yourself. But you always, ALWAYS, have to accept the present moment experience as it is. You made it after all! It is YOUR creation!

Teal swan has several videos on anger, and I forget now what she said to do. Something about asking yourself what needs are not being met? In any case, if you are angry, I would perhaps follow her advice, because if nothing else that causes you to pause. It is a good interrupt. You need an interrupt so you can become aware and initiate any change. The next thing I advise is asking yourself, what is it you are denying? What is it you are attempting to deny the reality of in this moment? What is it you feel should not have happened, or should be different? What is the “should story” running in the background here? You need the interrupt to get a chance to become aware of that “should story.” Once you have become aware of it, THEN you have to accept it.

That first step, BTW, I think of as ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, AKA, “It is what it is.” That leads, naturally to acceptance, because it is how it is. It will not change by you being angry at it. Actually, your anger will ensure you keep reliving that same state, over and over again. You will keep having that undesirable and unwanted present moment experience. ALL RESISTANCE EMPOWERS (gives power to) WHATEVER YOU ARE RESISTING! I am sure I have said this before, and that is what I mean. Your denial, your “should story”, is a form of resistance, and you resistance provides the power that creates, drives and perpetuates the experience making you angry. So you have to ACCEPT it, because it is there, you can’t deny it away.

Next you have to feel your way through it. This is where Susan Jeffers, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” comes in. You have to feel what you feel. You have to allow yourself to feel. You have to embrace these feelings, allow yourself to feel them as long as you need to feel them, then when you are ready, you have to release them and let them go. LETTING GO is another egoless state. LETTING GO is antithetical to the ego, just as acknowledgement and acceptance of things the way they are is. These things are directly opposite to the egoic state.

The ego wants to retain. It wants to be angry, it wants to hold grudges, it wants to hate, it wants to be bitter, it wants to be resentful. So it drives you, as long as you are under is influence, held in its sway, to be angry, bitter, hateful and resentful. If you think you are a religious or spiritual person, and yet you have any energy invested in, or focus invested on, any of these states, anything that is the opposite, at its root, to love, you are not truly religious or spiritual. Because a truly religious or spiritual state is one where the individual is influenced by love, not their ego, PERIOD. There are no exceptions!

Any investment in your identity as a religious or spiritual person – as Christian and part of the Christian group, or a Muslim and part of the Muslim group, or a Buddhist and part of the Buddhist group or even as a spiritual, not religious person (this is me) – this is a sure sign the ego is behind the wheel of your life. I am in the same boat as the rest of you in this. Anything we would make as part of identity, and invest all our energy and focus into who we believe, feel or think we are (BLM, LGBTQ – I am looking at you!) is sheer ego. And as long as our egos are in control, there will be war, there will be disease, death and destruction, because our egos hate us, and want to destroy us. It seems odd and counter-intuitive, because once we are dead, our ego is also dead. But our egos are insane. You can not apply logic to insanity. You can not apply reason to the unreasonable.

Your beliefs, religious, spiritual, scientific or anything else, your racial identity, your gender, your sexual preferences – all of this BS does not go with you when you die. Understand that. It all dies with your physical body and your ego. Who you really are is none of that shit. To get more in tune with who you really are, hold your beliefs loosely, let them go when they no longer serve you, and practice being in the present moment. Accept things as they are, and if you want a better present moment experience, invest the energy, effort and focus in the direction you wish to go. But always say in the flow, in a state of acknowledgement, acceptance, allowing then releasing and letting go. If you want to be happy, if you want to be effortlessly creative, that is the state you need to be in, If you want to experience true joy, that is the state you have to be in, and I suspect, that if you want to manifest desirable, wonderful things in your life, that is the state you have to be in. You have to let all the other BS go.

Somehow, someway, I am determined to change the current course of my life to one of abundance and joy. I will get out from under the influence of the ego and get into the present moment, with full awareness. And I will practice staying there, until it becomes the natural current of my life. And I will know I am in that state when all my creative endeavors flow effortlessly through me, just as they did when I dipped my toe into the waters of this experience all those years ago. I keep forgetting all the things I have learned. All the lessons I went through. It is not easy to create such a drastic change in one’s nature, ones state or natural way of being. Or at least it seems as if there is a lot that gets in between me and the intention to change. Thankfully this is a journey we can take together, we can support each other and help each other. Actually I have created a place for that here:

I think change seems difficult, seems hard, because so much energy and focus has created a current state that seems to resist change. The current is very strong, if it has been created while under the influence of our ego. We have invested a lot of energy and focus into our current life experience. But ACIM may be right, this may all be an illusion, “albeit a very strong, persistent one.” (Albert Einstein) The ego is just an illusion. It is not real. It’s like we put the VR glasses on, and now are struggling to take them off. But they can easily come off, allowing us to see things as they really are. We just have to raise up are arms and take them off. It seems harder than it really is. Maybe there is no current dragging us along at all, maybe the currents are just our beliefs, and when we let them go, we come to see that we are not being carried or driven anywhere. We can just start walking in whatever direction we choose. Maybe that’s how things really are. I don’t know, but I will apply and remember what I have learned, and shared with you here.

Here’s to making our experience of this world exactly what we want it to be!

More Cracks In Heaven

I was actually going to do a video on this, but the urge to wrte came on me, so here I am.

When I was a Christian, just before I renounced my faith, two things became apparent. Now, with the distance of some years since I renounced it, I can add a little more detail:
1. In order for a place of absolute perfection to exist, such as Heaven, there has to be its opposite, a place of absolute imperfection, AKA hell. Anyone that doesn’t “fit” with Heaven (is of other faiths or no faith) goes there. Heaven is only for the “chosen” – Christians.
2. If Heaven is such an ideal, perfect place – without sin – how did Lucifer and 1/3 of the angels sin and get cast to earth? If there is no sin in Heaven, where did this sin come from?

When the Christian belief system is put under scrutiny, when it is questioned, it falls apart. Yet such is the nature of a belief that most Christians make a part of their identity, they would literally die for what they believe. As it has become a part of their identity, any attack on their faith is, to a Christian, an attack on them, either personally, collectively or both.

I decided two things:
1. I wanted no part of a God who could cast others, who in every other way epitomized Christian values, except they were not a Christian (like Thich Nhat Hanh, who may just be one of our closest living saints) into hell.
2. I wanted no part of en eternity that is dead, stale and stagnant. In perfection there is no room for change, development, discovery, expansion, exploration, new experiences or surprises. It is all perfect sameness, all the time, forever. Sounds fucking boring to me!

So I renounced my faith, going through hell right here in earth trying to get past the fear of burning alive for all eternity, and now having to deal with knowing my parents are unhappy with my decision, worried about me. What a tar pit the Christian religion is! It uses fear to control its people, it disempowers believers by instructing them that they can only have things if it is God’s will, and they pass this disease, this infection, onto their children. Right along with other disempowering and limiting beliefs around money and “the things of this world”, meaning that many Christians will never be abundant,successful or wealthy.

I see it all so clearly now, standing outside here, looking in. But for those inside, this clarity is not accessible. The only way to see the truth is to get outside the bubble, and the only way to get outside the bubble is to stop being part of the collective inside it. In the case of Christianity, you have to renounce your faith. You have to stop being a Christian. Otherwise you will read something like this, and you will not understand it. Or you will get angry and wish to respond with an attack or a defense, both coming from feeling like you have been attacked. But I have not attacked you, and even if I did, it would have no effect on you. You will always be in your bubble, until you choose to leave it. Nobody can make you leave it. Nobody can attack the bubble and destroy it. The bubble remains, forever, until nobody believes in it anymore, and all have exited it. Nothing anyone can do can or ever will threaten it. Also, if anyone goes out to try to attack Christians or Christianity, they will quickly find that all attack only makes those they attack stronger, because in attack there is resistance, and resistance always makes that which is resisted stronger.

No, it is not my desire, prerogative or place to attack Christians or Christianity. I say what I say because of all I went through, both inside the bubble and out. Those experiences I have claimed as part of my identity. I went through a belief systems crash, a couple dark nights of the soul and a bunch of other shit. That’s the only reason I can sit here and type this. But I think about some things that sadden me. Years ago I knew a family of girls. The mother and father separated, the father leaving not long after I left. It was like they were stuck back at the turn of the century. All Christian music, typically children’s. They made their own dresses. The mother enforced those Christian values. They were obviously not well off.

I was really attracted to one of the girls, and sometimes fantasize about going back there, seeing if she is still around and unmarried, and sweeping her away from the situation she is in. Just a pipe dream. I have no idea if they are still there, or if they have moved. I have no idea if she is still alive. and they way her mom and the mother and father of my best friends when I was a Christian were doing things, she probably got dumped into an arranged marriage. Last I heard some loggers had shown interest. But she was originally arranged to be married to the younger of the two boys who were my best friends. Still, I think about this, and it just makes me sad. How many of the young women I had met when I went to CYIA, or a Bill Gothard training, or to church, are married off to someone they did not choose, stuck in a belief system handed down to them like their mother’s wedding dress, and seen as just as important. If I have learned nothing else, I have learned I will encourage free thinking, loosely held beliefs and a questioning attitude in my own children, should I ever be allowed to have any.

As part of the “spiritual, not religious” group (not a bubble, because you an freely come and go) you eventually learn about ACIM. A Course In Miracles. This is a channeled text, and supposedly, it is Jesus who is speaking through the channel. I treasure channeled texts! As a Christian, sure we could read about how the Holy Spirit came on someone and they started writing. No problem! But if anyone in the Christian bubble stated they had channeled Peter, or Paul, or Jesus and write a text, they would probably be murdered and their book would never see the light of day! For a people who are supposed to be loving, Christians are the most fearful and hateful people on the planet, second only maybe to fundamentalist radical Muslims. Catholics used to be the biggest assholes in this regard, but thankfully the burning witches and inquisition period has faded away.

Anyhow, it seems as if may of the writers I read and study, who are leading abundant, successful lives, have read ACIM. It somehow contributed to their finding abundance and success. And as I enjoy The Book of Emmanuel, the writings of Abraham, the writings and Seth and Ramtha, of course I had to read this. It is a VERY difficult text, let me warn you now! Really dense, even more so than Seth, and hard to understand. If you are anything like me things occasionally just slip away and can’t be grasped very well. But I have persisted, reading a section every day since last year. Unfortunately, I am finding myself more and more ready to put it down and never open it again. Because I have found another definition of Heaven I can’t stomach.

In ACIM Heaven is, essentially, God. God is everything, there is nothing else. Just that light, love and isness that is God. So there is no choice, no groups, no other place to go to. You have no choice but to, I guess the best way to put it is, merge with God upon physical death. Because that is your natural state. The issue I am having is that the text is now calling everything on earth “little”, and any desire for anything on earth “littleness.” Really? These trees I like to look at, meaningless? The stars, of no value? What about the astral planes and places like the Akashic records? As far as I can tell there is nothing in Heaven/God. It is just a changeless, timeless void. By void I mean empty, because Heaven/God is all that exists in that space, just as a vacuum is all that exists in a void, there is nothing else. Why in the hell would I want that?

Also, like the Christian’s Heaven, a few cracks have appeared:
1. If God is all there is and all I really want, as ACIM says, then why did I come to earth in the first place? If I had no choice but to be there, how did I get here?
2. If all we want is to be floating around in a changeless void of light and love for all eternity, how come physical existence exists? Why would we create anything else if we had all we wanted?
3. If the ACIM God is perfect, all there is, then why couldn’t He have created a better system of being on the earth, outside of the ego, which seems to be the system whereby we can be on the earth and have a physical experience? It is obvious that a better system than the ego is needed, so why doesn’t it exist? Couldn’t we have created a way to enjoy a physical experience and yet still retain our awareness of who we really are?

At least the ACIM model includes everyone! It’s like an endless Borg Cube, swallowing us all up in one giant collective for all eternity! Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? If you happen to have studied ACIM, maybe you can comment below and shed some light on this. Maybe I am not understanding things very well. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am missing things – as I said ACIM is very hard to read and grasp at times.

Do you know what I want for my afterlife? Simple. If you haven’t already, go and read the books by Robert Monroe – Journeys Out of Body and the others. He just details, as scientifically as possible, the things he experienced while out of his body. The things he speaks of, what he claims to have seen in the astral planes – that intrigues me. My ideal eternity is to explore it all. All the astral planes, all the physical realm without the need for a physical body. To visit places like the Akashic Records. And I would like to take my physical body with me when it is time for me to go. Just pack it up and bring it along – ascend. That way I can unpack it whenever I want. Apparently Ramtha has done this, and some Ascended Masters. Has any guru in India managed that I wonder? If you discard your flesh when you leave, as I understand it, you have to wait in line to come into physical existence and get another body. So it is best to take your flesh with you. In any case, that is what I want.

I like how Abraham says we came here for “joyous expansion.” In the Abraham teachings, we come into physical existence for certain desired experiences, and we put all the pieces into place before we come into this world. I like that. That makes sense. And Eckhart Tolle tells us to stay in the present moment. I know that when I was in my highest vibration (which, coincidentally, is when I write the most poetry) it was while reading his books and practicing that. So that makes sense too. That pretty much covers the physical aspect of life. But the after is still a big question mark.

I guess all I can do is continue to hold any beliefs I retain loosely, and to, as much as possible, not identify with them. Just not make them a part of my identity, the story of my life, who I am. Then move towards those concepts and ideas that empower me and make me feel good. Leave behind anything that disempowers me or makes me feel bad. Run fast and far away from anything that uses fear, but stand firm and face any fears I have to deal with. Allow myself to feel all I am feeling, and to release any feelings I am ready to let go. Seek those things that being me joy, follow the natural flow of my life and aim for abundance of all good things. Enjoy this world, see it as the gift I am sure it is. Enjoy every moment, while staying in it, and stop focusing in the past, which is dead and gone, living only in my memory, or the future, which is only exists in my imagination. Focus on what I want to have, look to the future only for that. Maybe this is not the best way to be. Maybe changes will need to be made. But I am willing to adapt, change, develop and grow, so I will. I love having new experiences, and I will just count any lessons I have to learn as a new experience, and remain enamored with the learning process.

I just wish that there was some way to know the real truth about what is waiting in the after. My current belief is that it will be whatever you believe it to be. So if that is true, for me it will be a place of absolute adventure and freedom. I can’t imagine anything better than that! What is the after for you?

… and I watch as the country goes to hell…

This post is NOT going to be very spiritual! It isn’t going to be very clean either. And it is DEFINITELY going to rub some people’s political affinities the wrong way. I am NOT being a spiritual teacher in this moment. I am being a 45 year old man, living in America, watching as the constitution is stomped on, watching as my president is wrongfully impeached, watching people running for an untested, unproved vaccine. I am responding to these things from a very low vibration, low frequency, non-spiritual perspective. I am angry. I am tired. And I wish I could do something substantial to change all this shit going on around me.

Normally I would relegate a post like this to my other, darker site. But as I may not be allowed to express myself at YouTube without being banned, I will do so here. I want to get these words before the eyes of other people. I want people to pay attention, to hear me, and to WAKE THE FUCKING HELL UP! The powers that be, the companies and corporations in charge of social media outlets, want to silence me, or more accurately, those like me who have an opinion that is separate from theirs. People who do not want to toe their line, People who refuse to believe what they want us to believe.

I guess in that sense this IS a spiritual post, because in order to walk your own spiritual path, in order to experience whatever or whoever God is for yourself, you will have to go against the flow of religion and in some cases, your family and the society in which you live If you haven’t gotten strong enough to stand on your own against the current by now, then you need to start developing those muscles, or you will be swept downstream in the tide of bullshit your religions, your politicians and your society has been feeding you since you took your first faltering steps.

OK, to sum up… I have not verified anything yet, but it seems that congress has voted to impeach President Trump not once, but twice. I feel this is vindictive and done without grounds. By that I mean any evidence they had to impeach President Trump would not be strong enough to stand up in a murder investigation, for example. They say he instigated the “attack” on congress. I have seen no definitive proof that this is the case. But I suspect that others WERE behind this, trying to kick the president out and destroy any work he has done. Also I find it interesting that nobody is mentioning the BLM protesters that were also on the scene. The local paper here called this group that “attacked” congress a “Trump mob.” This is an attempt to associate Trump with the protesters, when in reality Trump and the protesters are not connected. What I mean by this is that Trump was not in contact with any of them, did not direct or order any of them. Presumably some of them supported him, but they all acted on their own initiative, or on the initiative of an unknown third party.

This headline also dehumanizes the people involved. They were PEOPLE, not a MOB! WHENEVER you see this attempt at dehumanization, you are looking at an effort to make it easier to attack some group. The Nazis dehumanized the Jews, the genocides in Africa happened after the groups being slaughtered were dehumanized by their attackers. The media has been constantly undermining President Trump, even before he took office. There IS a plot against the president, Biden was NOT voted for by as many people as they say, and this attack on Congress was their coup de grace. Biden is not the legitimate president, and in the years to come the evidence for this will come to light, ideally, for those holding the reigns, too late for us to do anything about it. I predict, in the months to come, your media will only have glowing things to say about Biden, no matter what he is really doing while in office. I can almost guarantee this, put money on it. It is also a safe bet that he will die or become physically unable to perform his duties, so Kabala or whatever the hell her name is can take over.

The OTHER issue as hand here is the complete DISREGARD for the American constitution by companies and corporations – PRIVATE AGENCIES – as I believe the legal terminology is. The gist of it is this… Within the real or virtual walls of a private company they can dictate what people are allowed to say. According to Charmx, and I have yet to verify this, YouTube is currently banning anyone who talks about the election. Now I do not know who the idiotic, stupid, ignorant asshole was that made this possible, but we have to change this. We have to establish the Constitution as INVIOLATE, within the borders of America, PERIOD. Also, if you have America employees or users, you have to abide by the American Constitution. A precedent must be set that any company, real or virtual, based in the borders of America or comprising of any Americans, MUST abide by the Constitution, no exceptions. The Constitution must be sacrosanct! Of course, in doing this we also have to establish that a private organization, like a social media platform, can not be held accountable or liable for the things its users say. Only those things said by the representatives or employees of said platform.

The reason for the necessity of this should be obvious. If all a people have access to in America was specifically established to allow the people a place to freely develop and share their own opinions, about those in charge, about religion, about anything and everything. That is what everyone has bled and died for in World War 1 and 2, Vietnam, Korea and the Middle East. Because in all these places, some group in power sought to subjugate its citizenry, and we, the Americans, the Allied Forces, sought to free them. What good is establishing freedom for others when we have no freedom ourselves? What did our ancestors bleed and die for if a private agency can dictate what people may say within their real or virtual walls?

Over the next few months I will create t-shirts, look for petitions I will link here and do whatever else I can do to repeal the decision to impeach Donald Trump. I will do whatever I can to open an investigation into the real instigators of the “attack” on congress, and I will do whatever I can to repeal any protection given to private agencies to essentially disregard and disrespect our American Constitution. BTW… Why were these people considered trespassers in Congress? Don’t we, the American people,. own these buildings? Didn’t we pat for them with our taxes? So how could we trespass on buildings we own? Think about that for a second.

Too many people are using the fear generated by the pandemic to pass shitty laws and pursue their agendas, against the interests of the American people. We have to put a stop this this. We have to stand up, and if we need to fight, then we have to fight. If this has to lead to civil war, so be it. I would rather resolve our issues peacefully. It is ridiculous to assume that using war you can buy peace. It will only engender more violence. So I do not call for violence or war. I would rather pursue things non-violently, through well organized protests, the collecting of information being hidden from us and made public through any legal means available or hacking as a last resort, and petitions to our local leaders. I only want to take up arms if all other avenues to cleaning up this mess are blocked.

For now you can help me by simply buying and publicly wearing, this t-shirt. More designs are coming: