OK folks, this post is gonna be rough. For me, as I am barely able to concentrate, focus or think. Experiencing coughing and light-headedness. For you as the subject will likely be just as hard for you to work through as it has been and still is for me.
To start, get you a copy of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money”
I found this book on the shelf at my local library. Chances are yours will have it too. It is well worth the read. Now I am going to paraphrase a lot here, but essentially I cracked this open, began to read, put it down, and just last night picked it up again. I came face-to-face with Mr. Cease instructing me to imagine myself in a situation with no support, no money, everything I have gone. I realized a couple of things after reading these few pages (34-39).
I am EXTREMELY and SERIOUSLY attached to abundance, to acquiring it and attaining it, especially in the form of money. I am also EXTREMELY and POWERFULLY averse to experiencing any kind of reality without this, to the point that I would rather be dead than continue to live as I have. I have often said that I NEED or WANT a, “life worth living” or I would rather be dead. I don’t feel that my current life is one I want to continue to live. But it is all based on or built around having abundance, which I see primarily as money.
Somehow, despite going through Susan Jeffers, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” and a variety of Buddhist teachings of, “No Attachment, No Aversion”, learning to feel what I feel then release it and let it go, learning to not be attached to outcomes and do my best to embrace everything fully, DESPITE ALL THIS I realized last night that I was attached to money and averse to not having it. End of story. This pattern, or belief, or whatever the hell it is has been operating there, outside my awareness, all this time, through all these experiences and things I have learned. I was blind to it. I see it now. I am staring right at the little fucker!
Somehow a number of things have become twisted in me, to where if i had the experience again I had when I went to California, only this time sans everything including support – just having the clothes on my back – that is the worst fate I could imagine for myself. Being homeless. Searching for doorways to sleep under or benches to sleep on. That to me is a fate worse than death. In fact, in my mind, death would be preferable.
But why would such a fate be necessary, or even possible? I have been told again and again, through dozens of different teachers, from all corners of philosophy, religion and spirituality, that the Universe by nature is abundant. All are provided for, they have only to open and receive that abundance. No bird lacks a place to build their nest! In fact, a state of not having one’s needs met is artificial, man-created. It is man that has created any sort of wealth hierarchy, and the idea of wealth to boot. Money is a man-made invention, as is the society in which it is used. Birds do not pay rent! In other words, the natural state of all life forms in the Universe is abundance. Scarcity is an invention.
I know this, intellectually, and I have even experienced it a little first-hand. Yet I forgot this. Just let it slip my mind. I do not know when this attachment to money, and aversion to not having it, first took root in me. I look back, and I see myself standing outside the little community church I used to attend with my parents. I was hanging out with Andrew and Tim – friends of mine. I was in my teens. The brothers could get a little rough, my shirt was pulled or something, and I got super angry. I can trace the roots back at least that far. No reason for a young man to be obsessed with clothing unless he is afraid of scarcity, and below that, attached to money and averse to not having it at some level.
However far back it goes – likely adopted from my parents – it is time to free myself of it now. I see clearly that it has even infected my work at YouTube. I have been obsessed with likes, views and subscriptions. Why? So I could monetize my channel. But the energy folks – the energy is what it is all about. No matter how scientifically minded you might be, to where this idea of energy seems like some New Age pseudo-science garbage, it doesn’t change the fact that the energy we put into something has a definite affect on the outcome we experience when we share it.
In simple terms, I put up these videos with an desperate, grasping, greedy energy of trying to get likes, subscriptions and views. That energy is the opposite of, and therefore repels, any abundant, loving and supportive energy. To make it even simpler… The energy I have put into the videos I have uploaded so far is the opposite of the things I want from from these videos. It in fact pushes away the things I was hoping to get, that I want or even feel I need, from these videos.
You want scientific proof? I can give it to you. Bdubs, Grian – any and every currently and still successful YouTuber have one thing in common. Go back to when they first uploaded content. There was never a mention of becoming a YouTube star. No constant attempts to get likes, subscriptions and views. All of them – EVERY SINGLE ONE – are just enjoying themselves and sharing that with the world. I don’t think you could find a single exception. I have been watching these guys for weeks now, how they started out, trying to figure out what the secret is, and it has been staring me in the face the whole time. Until last night I was incapable of seeing it.
What I have learned is that if I want to become a successful YouTuber I have to stop trying to become a successful YouTuber. I have to stop creating content with the energy of, “I want” behind it. I know if I were to try to cook something with that same energy it would be nowhere near as good as when I cook things JUST FOR THE LOVE OF COOKING, AND SHARING IT WITH LOVED ONES! The energy you put into a thing affects its outcome. You can call that a Universal Law.
If I want to be successful at YouTube, I have to let that go, first thing, as well as my attachment to money and aversion to not having it. Then I just need to record videos for the joy of it, the pleasure I get from that, or editing them, or both, and the desire to share what I am enjoying with others. Any other motivation is guaranteed to fail. That’s just the way it is.
The content you enjoy online the most is stuff the folks are doing because they enjoy it, they love it, and they just want to share their enjoyment of it and love for it with you. If you can find any examples that prove me wrong comment below with a link. But I think I am seeing it clearly.
This even ties in with flow VS force, another thing I have learned intellectually and actually experienced. I have been using too much force trying to make things happen in my life that I want. Affirmations to reprogram me for abundance. Creating content for YouTube in the hopes of striking it big. I am sure I have encountered resistance, and instead of allowing myself to be aware of it I pushed through. I can’t even clearly see any instances of it now. But if I were to think about it, I am sure I would find some.
Off the top of my head, the fact I struggled so hard to edit a video last week. It was just really hard, and I am fairly certain that this was resistance. Had I been aware and in the right mindset I would have stopped and addressed it. It wasn’t flowing for me to edit that video. It goes behind creative resistance that may come in the form of Writer’s Block. Or maybe that is what Writer’s Block really is. It is a warning sign that you are trying to push through when you need to stop, course correct, and find another route. I will have to think on this.
The question is can I apply, and keep applying, what I have learned here, all I have realized, and change the energy with which I have been creating content for YouTube, and to a greater extent, with which I have been living my life? The energy I have been applying to my experience of life as a whole? Because until I change it, my experience of life will not change, and I will continue to fail at YouTube, or any creative endeavor for that matter.
I leave this post as a record and a reminder. I have work to do…