How Do You See Yourself?

I recently purchased a book entitled, “Thoughts Are Things.” This is the Earnest Holmes version, not the Prentice Mulford version I was after. The first page of the text after the introduction was all about how a person sees themselves. I realized that I have not been seeing myself in a very good way. I had been seeing myself as suffering from allergic reactions instead of being healthy, poor instead of rich, lonely instead of surrounded by friends, directionless and uncertain instead of having confidently set my course, etc.

I came to understand how insidious this issue really is. Using a real-life example, most convicts get released from prison and find themselves going right back to a life of crime. Now I don’t know if this is true, and I don’t know what these ex-convicts are thinking. But I have a feeling, a hunch, that they have bought into the belief that the majority of criminals return to a life of crime. Likely they also believe there is no other way for them to have the life they want. Finally they almost certainly don’t see themselves as free from a life of crime, having the lives they desire, enjoying themselves, being happy.

I would be surprised if I ever met a former criminal who thought that way. But if I did I would no longer be looking at someone with a criminal mentality, which is ultimately a lack and limitation mentality. I would be looking at someone who found a way to live their lives free of crime. Someone who has changed how they thought about not only the world, but also about themselves. That is the key, It is most important.

It will do you absolutely no good to tell yourself the Universe provides and things are going t work out, like I have, if you don’t see yourself as receiving of the abundance of the Universe, if you don’t see things working out in your life. You will perpetuate the undesired, unwanted state you are in, and that is exactly what has happened to me.

You have to have confidence in yourself, you have to believe in yourself, you have to love and accept yourself as you are. If people say things that tear you down, you have to stop buying into what they are saying. It is a control mechanism. These people, no matter how much they profess to love you, no matter how much you believe they mean well, are trying, usually not consciously, to keep you down, keep you unchanged. Your changing threatens them.

My mom did this to me tonight. Two things she said in response to things I had said. She was talking to dad, and I could tell in her tone of voice she was guilt-tripping him. I told him that mom was trying to take him on a guilt trip again. She denied this, asked me, “What’s wrong with you?” and told me that I was judging her. I realized something later. By saying I was judging her, she was actually judging me. And her response to my observation was an attack because I was likely right.

I did not have to say anything when I observed what I did in her tone of voice. And I could be wrong. I claim any responsibility I need to claim in this incident. And ultimately I guess I am glad it happened, because it made it clear to me a number of things that I hadn’t been paying much attention to. I see now how I buy into the belief that there must be something wrong with me. That I am somehow in some way bad, a bad person, even though I know consciously, as I write this, that this is a lie.

It makes it even clearer to me that I have not been seeing or perceiving myself correctly. That I need to believe and know myself to be all the things I want to be. I am sitting here, scared shitless of what to do after graduation, because I have no fucking clue what I will do or where I will go. I am doing that, and hurting myself in the process, instead of seeing myself as knowing exactly what to do, exactly where to go. As confidently having a place to go and a direction to travel.

I am undermining myself. If I do not change how I see myself, if I do not see myself as I want to be, in a way that is beneficial and desirable for me instead of to my detriment, then after I graduate next year I will just repeat some variation of the last time I tried to set out on my own. It doesn’t work – it didn’t then, it can’t work now and it won’t work in the future.

Somehow I have to see myself as I want to be. Having my own place. Supporting myself easily, on my terms. Being a man of affluence as well as a man of letters. Having wonderful, supportive friends. Having a loving woman to share my bed and life with. Having children of my own. Living life on my terms, not working at some job for 40 years until I retire like my dad. Enjoying my life, doing work that I want to do, that I find fulfilling, meaningful and that pays well.

All the affirmations and Creative Workshops in the world will do no good until I can see myself as the man I want to be, instead of the man I am and the man I fear I will become. So learn from my example. Change how you see and perceive yourself first, if your life is not what you would like it to be. Demand better of your life, and see yourself better.

Change how you perceive yourself, stop buying into anything anyone says that does not support you. Keep your eye firmly fixed on your ideal version of yourself, followed by your ideal version of your life. Remember, you have to change how you believe, feel, perceive and see yourself before you can change your life in any way. It starts with you, and moves outward from there.

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Woulda Coulda Shoulda – The Solution for Stress

I am directing this at everyone who worries and stresses over what they are worrying about. I am also addressing this to everyone who beats themselves up for either doing something or not doing it. Saying something or not saying it. Going somewhere or not going. Like all Truths, it is incredibly simple, and I have created a saying for this one. Ready?

If I should have done that, I would have done that.

Think about this for a moment. Let it sink it. To rephrase it for worriers:

If it should have happened, it would have happened
OR
If it should not have happened, it would not have happened.

There is nothing in the entire history of mankind that should not have happened, without exception. That includes the Holocaust and any of our many wars. Before you get ready to attack me, let me clarify this… We may not like that it happened, or we may not have wanted it to happen, but the simple fact that these things happens proves that that were meant to happen.

The Universe is not chaotic. Everything happens for a reason. We can not always see the reason beyond our limited human perspective. When we are able to see the reason, when we are able to know and understand, we will. Until then we will not. Everything that has happened to us in our lives, no matter if we perceived it to be good or bead, was meant to happen. Nothing has happened to us, or will happen to us, that is not meant to happen.

This is a major burden we can release. Have any of your worries changed anything for the better? Has any of your condemnation of the bad things that have happened to you, others, humanity, etc., made anything better? Do you feel better for all your worrying and fear? Does it feel good to see something terrible that happened on the news and say out loud, “That’s wrong! That should never have happened!”

Be honest here. It feels clenched, tight, You muscles constrict, your teeth clench, you get into fight or flight mode. You are ready for battle. The problem is that you return to the tense state every time anything happens to you, or you hear about anything that has happened, that you do not like. This is, in a word, stress. It causes high blood pressure, increases the risk of heart attack, causes you to gain weight, etc.

If you can instead see something horrible, or experience something horrible, and at the end of it say, with a deep inner conviction and knowing that, “If it was meant to happen, it would. Since it happened, it was meant to happen” – that feels different. This is not resignation, because that is still a secret attachment to the way you think things should be. This is an inner conviction, and inner knowing, a faith that, even though you don’t agree with what happened, even though you do not like what happened, you acknowledge what you already know, that it happened because it was meant to.

The how and the way are not human concerns. They are simply not your business. These are left to God, Source, the Universe or whatever you want to call it. If you could know and understand why something happened, you would know it and understand it. If you could know and understand how something happened, or how to make something happen, you would know it. You know and understand only what you are able to know and understand at this point in your life. Nobody ever knows or understands more than they are truly ready for.

It’s liberating, because you don’t have to look back with regret at some missed opportunity. If you should have done that or gone there you would have. You don’t have to look back with bitterness and anger, trying to deny something that in your perception was bad that happened to you. If it happened to you, though you don’t know how or why, it was meant to happen to you. You can do the same with anything that has happened in human history.

Worrying will never find you a reason or a solution. It can’t. Worrying is denial. It is non-acceptance. You are not allowing yourself to accept something. Guilt also is denial. It is a way to beat yourself up about something instead of taking a moment to look inside yourself and facing whatever it is you need to face. In both cases you are not dealing with the issue, you are running away from it.

Allow, Release, Surrender. These are the three keys that will unlock everything for you. Embrace everything with acceptance and love, then release it and let it go. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, then release it and let it go. Proceed with confidence that nothing will happen in your life that is not supposed to, and there is nothing you can fail at because if you were meant to go somewhere or do something you would have gone there or done it. Anger, Fear, Guilt, Regret, Shame, etc. are all chains weighing you down. You will be a much happier person if you can just let all of that go.

Of course if you are meant to hear what I am saying and act on it, you will.

8-31-2017
You might imagine, from what I have said here, that I am saying that nobody makes mistakes. This is correct. Nothing anyone has done or will do is wrong. The Universe sees no difference between a human killing a fly or another human. It sees no difference between humans killing each other and a lion killing a mouse. It sees no difference between a human raping another and a lion mounting a lioness in heat.

As much as you may not want this to be the case, Hitler is not roasting in hell somewhere. In fact, if you want him to be roasting in hell, if you are feeling anger, bitterness or hatred to another, you are the one who is in hell. Any desire for justice or vengeance closes you off from peace, and you close the door on experiencing love. Love is always there, but you are not allowing yourself to feel it. There is not a loving person on earth who seeks justice or vengeance for a perceived wrong.

As I have said before, right and wrong, good and bad exist only in human perception. There is no darkness, only light or an absence of light. The light is always there, it is humans who block it and live in darkness. You can think of your  time here in this physical form as akin to a surfer riding a wave. You are riding a wave of your actions, your choices, and whatever results from that. The ocean is the entire experience of all humans living right now, in this moment. All our waves interact and mingle with each other. They are all one.

You make a choice, You act. You steer your board a little this way or that, and ride a new wave of the results of your choice. Note that I am not using the word consequence here. That implies criticism or judgment; some sort of final reckoning. There is none. You could kill every person on this planet, you could destroy the earth itself, and you will still experience the end of your physical life, and the transition to whatever occurs after that.

You will bring with you everything you have learned. If you have grown during your time on earth you will transition to a higher form or reincarnate to learn new lessons. If you have stagnated and learned nothing, you will likely keep reincarnating until you learn whatever it is your soul needs or wants to learn. Some of the sources I have read state that immature souls are the ones that hurt others. Other sources say that our time here on earth is a sort of classroom. I think perhaps both are the Truth.

You are perfect and you do not make mistakes. You may not remember your perfection, and you may look at the things you have done or not done and think to yourself, “You know, I should have handled that better” or “I should have done that” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” None of this is True. You and your fellow humans may look at the things you have done or not done and label them as good or bad. But as far as the Universe is concerned, you have simply acted.

It is only in our society that we label things like murder and rape as bad or evil. It is only in human society that we have laws that allow us to live together on large numbers. Lions don’t have to worry about that. Some may think that lions are somehow less intelligent than humans. I don’t think so. In a pride of lions, the man can take his pick of the women when they are in heat. He may have to fight with other males, but he doesn’t have to go through all the bullshit that human males have to go through to find a mate. I think the animals have this figured out better than the humans.

Animals don’t require justice or vengeance. There is no consequence for killing one another. No men’s or women’s rights, no requirements to mate when they are in the mood. They live in large societies without the rule of law, and without the influence of man, their numbers remain stable, despite how many kill each other. Humanity may have intelligence, but until its members can live peaceably in large numbers without the need to control anyone’s behavior, we are less evolved than animals in this regard.

Proceed with confidence in your life. No matter how bad or good things get in your perception, no matter how seemingly out of control, everything is happening as it should, nothing is happening that shouldn’t, regardless of your opinion or the opinions of others. There is nothing to fear or worry about. You can trust yourself that you are doing the best you can at this time in your life, and this will remain true all the days you are here on this earth.

Release and Surrender your anger, bitterness, criticism, doubt, fear and judgment. There is no need for these things. Understand that to live in society you have to abide by its rules. If you do something that is perceived to be ethically and morally wrong, society will punish you. But as far as whatever you call god is concerned, you have done nothing wrong. There is no ethics, morality or rule of law in the spiritual dimensions. There is only love and light, and how much each soul allows itself to experience.

I Am Not Here

This is not my reality
even though it is what I
taste, touch, smell and see.

While my body is here,
my True Self is elsewhere.

I now have a dream,
I now have a purpose,
I now have a reason,
a goal I wish to attain.

I will realize my dreams,
I will live the life I want.

Every day brings me one step closer
to everything I have already become.

6-6-2017

Reality and Video Games

This morning I had some thoughts that I think were inspired by the word “conviction.” As I worked it out in my mind, I compared the world to a video game. In a video game you can find the cracks and seams – its underpinnings. But in the real world these are hidden from us.

Most people are like the AI in a video game, barely aware of the world at all. If they encounter something unexplained, it may wake them up slightly, for a short period of time, but they quickly go back to sleep. Most are no more fazed by their encounters with the underpinnings of the world than an AI is in theirs.

An enlightened person can see and interact with the underpinnings of the world. How else could you explain levitation, walking on water, healing others, the things the rest of us all call miracles?

The Truth is obscured for the majority of humanity. Most have never seen it while physical. We have to have that faith and trust beyond belief, that inner knowing and conviction, it is there. We can’t break through using any directed physical means, as we might in a video game.

The majority of us have to somehow tap into the fact that we did see the Truth before we were physical. We have to have that feeling, that knowing. For example, even though we may not see the sun right now, we know it is there. We don’t have any doubts as to the sun’s existence, its rising and setting. We have to have the same feelings and mindset towards the Truth.

But an enlightened person has seen the Truth while physical. An enlightened person is fully conscious and aware. They can see the sun, to use our example, whether or not it is obscured. They see and understand the Truth.

It takes a stepping out in faith and trust to become enlightened. But I imagine that once someone is enlightened, they no longer need to have such levels of faith and trust. They have seen the Truth, the sun, to use my previous analogy, so they know it is there. They probably face other challenges.

Meditation and Manifestation

I have been thinking about this a little today. In the past I have a few examples I can recall where I visualized something I wanted and I fought tooth and nail to keep the image of what I wanted in mind. The results were never satisfactory; even when I succeeded it infected and darkened the experience of getting what I wanted.

I thought, for some reason, about meditation. How you gently keep coming back to the “object of your attention.” I realized that the same process applies to manifestation! You just gently keep coming back to the visualization of whatever it is you want to manifest in your life. But you aren’t the one manifesting anything.

There are two indicators here… If in visualizing something you want you feel like you are clenching your fists, if you feel any sort of stress or tightness about it, then you are putting in too much effort. You are attached to a particular outcome. As Abraham teaches through Esther Hicks, how you feel is your indicator.

The other indicator is, if in talking or writing about what you want, the phrase, “trying to manifest” comes up in any form. If it does, once again, you are putting in too much effort. You are trying to make something happen. You are attached to a particular outcome. As I said it feels like clenched fists, or clenched teeth, or some sort of tightness in your body.

There is the initial effort required, at least at first, to keep bringing your focus back to the object of your attention, the visualization in some way of the thing you want. So it is not completely effortless as I may have stated before. It does require a minimum amount of effort to practice awareness and to bring your focus back to your object of attention. But that’s all the effort you need, no more.

The phrase I came up with is to be, “firmly relaxed” about whatever it is you want. In my case I want $40.00 in my back account. So I see the $40.00, in bold, as if I were looking at it through my bank’s web page. I was initially afraid that I was doing it wrong again. I remember when I was picturing a nice place to stay once for my my parents and I, how hard it was, how much stress it caused, and we did not get a nice place.

But I see that my feelings then were more “clench fists” then. Right now, whenever my mind wanders back to the subject of my bank account, I just see this image of $40.00 in bold. I don’t hold it there, don’t do anything with it. Just a gentle process of bringing it back to the object of my attention. I am definitely not attached to this, and am firmly relaxed about it.

So if you are familiar with the process of meditation, apply it to the process of manifestation. Practice being firmly relaxed about it. Keep bringing your focus back to the object of your attention, in this case some sort of image, in your mind or maybe a picture on your wall that brings it to mind. In visualizing it bring in as much of the five physical senses as possible. Think about what it will be like to have it. As much as you can, feel what you would feel once you have it.

Understand that in our society it is not natural or normal to think in this way. That is not how we are raised as children, as a general rule. So for most of us we have to practice being firmly relaxed, until we have that inner knowing, that trust which is more than belief, that the thing we are envisioning will show up in our lives, exactly as we want it and exactly when we need it. Once we have that inner knowing trust it will be natural for us to be firmly relaxed. We will be free of all fear-based feeling, which includes doubt and worry.

For now, for most of us, we just have to practice holding loosely, or being firmly relaxed, with whatever it is we are visualizing. I don’t think the manifestation teachings cover this very well, but it is important and vital to the process. I will let you know how my own experience goes. I will be applying everything I have said here to the process.

What Happened?

I have talked a little about this before, using what I learned while reading, “The Big Leap” after I totaled the Lexus. Just a few additional thoughts have come up now after seeing a beautiful painting i have shared on Facebook, done by an artist who died in poverty, and from the quality of their work, this is something that should not have happened. Yet is has happened, over and over again, and continues to happen, to artists from all walks of life all over the world.

There is an author that inspired Louis L. Hay, her name was Florence Scovel Shinn. She was a New Thought writer, along with many other wonderful authors such as Emmet Fox.  But despite what she knew, despite her teachings, she too died in poverty. I always wondered how that could happen. How could someone who purports to know how the Universe works die in poverty? Is it their teachings do not work? I am not so quick to jump to that solution.

The artist whose work I shared was an excellent artist. It was not due to low quality work that he died in poverty. No. Similarly the quality of the Mrs. Shinn’s writing was not poor. It was not wrong teachings that brought about what happened to her. I think there are two aspects of this to consider:
1. Knowing or understanding something intellectually is not the same as experiencing  and living it.
2. Self-limiting behavior has to be addressed for an individual to be successful.

My guess is that this artist, and Mrs. Shinn, each died in poverty because of self-limiting behavior. Perhaps the artist never believed in himself as an artist. Perhaps the writer never believed in herself as a writer. Maybe the author never came to experienced or lived the things she taught. Maybe both of them had been poor all their lives and that was their comfort level. Strange as it may sound, but you can get comfortable with the circumstances and situation of your life. How many citizens considered to be low-income make it out of the housing developments AKA the projects? How many make it out only to either be killed or kill themselves? I am stuck in an RV with my parents.

I think we can trace all of this back to self-limiting behavior. We sabotage ourselves if we wander too far outside of our comfort zone. There is a dragon that must be slain, and self-limitation is the name of that loathsome beast. We have to figure out how to allow ourselves to have better lives, to experience success, to be accepted in our various fields. We have to become aware of anything that we do that is meant to hold us back, or destroy any progress or success we may have had. Definitely buy and read this book:

It is the only text covering this material I have found. And I suspect it is the most important subject you could ever study. Because it doesn’t matter how many times you listen to excellent teachings from sources such as Abraham or Wayne Dyer or Louise Hay or anyone else – anything that is helping you in your growth, in building the life you want for yourself, needs to include the subject of self-limiting and sabotaging behaviors, and I can not recall seeing it in any of these sources.

Why do people who win the lottery end up unhappy and in a worse state than they were before? I bet you want to blame the money. Society and particularity the Christian religion want you to see money as the evil beast that must be slain. It is not the money that is evil. Money is just pieces of paper with an assigned value. No, it is sudden success which wakes the real enemy, that wily serpent of self-limitation. It also wakes up in many of those who are around the suddenly successful person, resulting in all sorts of attempts to control behavior and preserve the status quo.

None of those involved can help it, because like your Inner Critic, the voice of self-limitation, if it is not speaking directly through your Inner Critic, is talking to you very softly, at a level you can not consciously hear, unless you train yourself to become aware of it, just as you would train yourself to become aware of your Inner Critic. You have to be aware of these voices before you can consciously choose not to heed anything they say.

If there is anything in this world that should be utterly destroyed it is the status quo, and anything else used to control, limit or restrict people.

For now, assume the teachings are sound. Release and let go of your doubt. Practice consciously listening to anything that is attempting to limit or sabotage you. Release and let go of this stupid assumption that just because something has always been done a certain way, that is the best or only way to do it. It isn’t. Just because you have been a certain way your whole life, it doesn’t follow that you must always be that way. Challenge and question everything.

If you are going to believe something, hold it loosely, don’t make it a part of your identity. Practice openness and receptivity. Allow yourself to change, develop and grow. Try to personally experience anything you have come to know or understand. Embrace happiness, joy, success and any other good thing that comes your way. Release and let go of anything that makes you feel bad, keeps you from enjoying life or removes the pleasure of living it.

You can do this, you can, and will, succeed. Don’t just believe it, know it. Don’t just know it, rest in form assurance, knowing it is true.

Resistance

There are a number of things I am resistant to. I find resistance when I try to write, when I try to make time for singing and when I want to draw. I feel resistance to my intention to buy a set of Legos to play with, a way of getting in touch with my inner child. I also find resistance when I want to walk around naked or masturbate. Yet in every instance I can not find a single good thing about resistance, a single reason why I should listen to it.

For me resistance feels like a holding back, a putting on the brakes. It’s the angel on one shoulder and the demon on the other, each whispering into my ear of what I should or should not do. I think resistance is actually the voice of my parents and those who raised me, my former religion and my society, sourced from the beliefs I have adopted from all of these. In my opinion resistance serves only one useful purpose, and that is it gives you something to run toward.

“But wait!” you say, “You shouldn’t run around naked or masturbate. That’s bad (or wrong, or uncivilized or it just isn’t something anyone should do).” While I can not argue that these behaviors are not seen as being acceptable to do within the general public, I will argue that masturbation or running around naked are not at all bad, or wrong, or anything negative at all. In these instances resistance serves to reinforce fear, guilt and shame. These are devices constructed by man to control man’s behavior.

In an ideal society you would be able to walk around naked and masturbate whenever and wherever you like. You would be able to have sex with any willing partner. And the interesting thing is such a society would not be one long hedonistic orgy, because such things would no longer have any stigma attached to them. Since people would be free to do them, they would not do them very much. Far less than they do them now. Why? Because, as I have said before, resistance makes whatever you are resisting stronger.

You have to get at the root cause of the external symptom. Let’s say that you are very angry with someone, to the point you wish to hit them. If you hit them you are being resistant, and if you resist hitting them you are being resistant. The urge to hit is a symptom caused by fear or hurt. The person you are angry with has hurt you, or you are afraid of loosing your relationship with them.

If you hit them you are denying the healthy expression you need. You have resistance to expressing to them that you are afraid, angry or hurt. If you resist hitting them but say nothing, maybe you just turn and walk away, again you have resistance to expressing to them that you are afraid, angry or hurt. You have to do what you resist, and hitting them is not what you are really resisting. What you are really resisting is expressing yourself to them, typically through communication.

So when it comes to something that would hurt you or another, I am not saying you need to push through your resistance and do it anyway. I am not encouraging you to do anything that would harm you or another person. I am saying that in these cases you have to get down to the root cause and do the thing you are actually resisting. It will likely involve allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel and expressing what you feel. Striking out is not expressing what you feel. It is a symptom resisting what you feel. What you feel and are resisting is the cause, and the course of action is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel.

So if you are about to buy something, do something or go somewhere, and you feel that familiar twinge of resistance, I suggest running straight at it immediately, without hesitation, no matter what it is. Just drop everything and run at it like your life depends on it. Run after it like whatever you are resisting is the most important thing in the world. Because my guess is that whatever you are resisting is extremely important to you.

Susan Jeffers covers this in, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway,” in Chapter 9, “Just nod your head and say yes.” The Buddhists teach non-attachment. These are both alternative ways to deal with the same thing. If you stop denying (resisting) your life or any undesirable aspects of it, and instead just nod your head and say yes to it, in that acceptance of it you stop holding yourself back. As long as you resist your life or any undesirable aspects of it you are holding yourself back from changing whatever it is you want to change. As for the Buddhist teachings, if you are attached to something, that means you are attached to a particular outcome, and are resistant to any other. By practicing non-attachment you are essentially practicing non-resistance.

You have to embrace something before you can let it go.

In my case I need to stop being ashamed of being naked or masturbating. I should be able to experience joy in both activities. They should be seen as a blessing, not a curse. And the Legos? My doubt about buying the set I want, the Architectural Set, when I saw the price is precisely why I must buy it. I have denied myself any fun. My inner artist is starving, and I feed the inner artist by honoring my inner child. I see clearly now that my resistance is showing me that buying that set, no matter the price, is exactly what I must do. The thought of being embarrassed to have my parents see me playing with them, building with them, also confirms that I need them.

My parents and others may see it as a waste. But I know better. I know that buying them will open me to more money, will bring me joy, and will help me think about the house of my dreams, how I would like to design and build it. My parents punished me when I was a child. They made me go to sleep in a bed filled with Legos. threatening punishment as I recall if I made any noise. They removed the joy of this from me. They also removed the joy of playing an instrument from me, and they never encouraged my desire to sing or learn music.

I have to right the wrongs of the past and undo the damage that has been done in order to completely heal these wounds. Only when they are fully healed will I find more freedom in creativity, in expressing myself artistically.

What is it that you are resisting? Is there something you have not bought for yourself because it’s silly, it makes no sense, you have bills to pay, etc.? If there is, buy it. Ignore everything else. Your resistance is showing you clearly what you need. You may meet with resistance coming from others to your purchase or chosen course of action. But in some way your life has gone off course, and paying attention to these little indications and signs will get you back on course.

That’s what I think anyway. I will certainly report back here with any developments or progress on my end, once I have purchased the Legos and started playing with them.

An Untenable Judgment

Years ago when I was a child (and as I have probably said many times before, I may have said this before) a teacher took me aside at Hudson Park Elementary (I think I even remember exactly where this happened) and told me that the world did not revolve around me. I think at the time I had been stealing or something. Not sure exactly all the effects this had on me, but I think I stopped stealing and created the foundation for a Nice Guy persona. Here is a book to explain that:

Now I can not be sure of the teacher’s motivations here. Everyone is raised within the confines of their family belief systems. Maybe the teacher was trying to help, maybe they were trying to hurt me, maybe they were trying to shake me up a little. But ultimately the labels “selfishness” and “self-centeredness” are applied to an individual as a way of controlling behavior that is believed to be, or is seen to be, undesirable in some way or wrong.

I am only going to say this once… The world, even the entire universe, does revolve around you. Or more accurately, your world, your universe revolves around you. Everyone that can look up and see the moon will see the moon. But everyone will have a different way of interpreting and perceiving the same object, and all of them will not be seeing the object as it really is, outside of all those associations, beliefs, interpretations and judgments. An enlightened person, meaning one who can see things as they are, will see the moon as it is. I have no reference to draw from here. They probably wouldn’t even assign a name or label to it.

The point is, no two people experience reality in exactly the same way. We all live inside the orbits of our own belief systems, habitual patterns of thought and perceptions. This is why one person can pick up a penny and joyously thank the Universe for its provision, while another may walk on past or kick it into the gutter. Guess which person likely has more money in their life?

Also being selfish or self-centered doesn’t necessarily mean you also believe the earth and the universe rotate about you. In fact I doubt if anyone labeled normal would believe that. And even if someone did, what makes that wrong? You can throw all the science you want at me, that still doesn’t make one person’s unique viewpoint any more or less valid than any other.

It also doesn’t necessarily follow that being selfish or self-centered is wrong. A baby is selfish, does that mean you punish him or her every time they demand you feed them or clean their diaper? Maybe some parents do, and god help them when their children grow up. Because when those parents are in diapers, baby-like and in need of care, what do you think the children will do? They can draw from what they have learned. They will only repeat the lessons their parents taught them. Are you in a nursing home, with children who never visit and don’t seem to care about you? Ask yourself, how did you treat them when they were helpless and dependant on you? Be brutally honest, you are far too mature not to face the truth.

We have to be selfish, because we have to take care of ourselves. If we fall into the Nice Guy (or Good Girl) trap, we will put the needs of others ahead of our own, looking for all the world incredibly selfless, but our motivations will not be pure. We will not really want to be doing the things we want to do. Our heart will not be in it, and if our heart is not in what we do, doesn’t that make us heartless? Aren’t we acting heartlessly? Think about that for a moment.

If we are self-centered I guess that means we act like, and truly believe, that only we matter. We may be arrogant and conceited. But the issue is not whether or not we are self-centered. The issue is why we are acting this way. Could it be that we have an over-inflated idea of ourselves because ultimately, we feel we are full of hot air? That we don’t matter, that nobody cares about us? Isn’t a low self-esteem why we don the role of self-centeredness?

The solution is not to criticize and judge others for behavior we do not agree with. Fuck that. And fuck trying to control the behavior of others. Anyone on that quest is acting like Don Quixote, chasing windmills. The solution is to be motivated by love, for ourselves and for others. Period.

So to that long-ago teacher, you screwed up. You were not motivated by love in what you did. You were motivated by the desire to dominate a child and control their behavior. This was very irresponsible of you. The end result is that child, now a grown man, has an incredible amount of crap to clean out that he inherited from his family, their religion, and society. He became a Nice Guy, meaning he wasn’t really nice at all. He has since begun to address these and other issues. But at the root of every issue he has are the things the adults in his life did and said to him when he was a child.

You were one of those adults. If you knew how to motivate the children in your care with love, that is how you should have proceeded. But chances are you didn’t know better. So while you are partly responsible, I do not blame you. I hold no grudge towards you. I understand, all too clearly, how we are all prisoners of our beliefs, adopted, inherited and picked up by ourselves.

Instead I will point out to you, and every other adult in any position of authority, the incredible responsibility we have. Adolf Hitler is thought to be one of humanity’s greatest monsters. But this is an incorrect point of view. The real monsters are the adults who contributed to raising Hitler to be who he became. Without those adult influences, there would be no Adolf Hitler, except maybe as a painter. Imagine if he had been raised by those motivated purely by love. People who loved him and supported him. People who encouraged his artistic ambitions. We would have seen more of this:

And less of this:

And none of your bullshit about, “Oh poor Hitler, he wasn’t loved enough!” in some sarcastic tone of voice. You are damn right he wasn’t loved enough, and this is just one blatant historical example of what happens to a child who is raised by adults that would rather control their child’s behavior than actually be motivated by love in their parenting! Maybe Hitler’s parents didn’t know any better, so couldn’t do any better. I don’t know. I am not a historian. I just know that all monsters are created, or rather raised, not born. I don’t care what proof you have to the contrary. Any exception proves the rule.

It’s time to stop fucking around and face the truth. Raise your children with love, motivated by love, or don’t bother having them at all. Give them away to adoption, send them to live with relatives, do whatever you have to do. But don’t try raising them unless you can do so motivated by love. If you are yelling at them, telling them they are bad or wrong, that they shouldn’t do this or that, you are trying to control their behavior and are not motivated by love. Your children are not your slaves, nor your dogs to be whipped into obedience and submission. Your religious beliefs are no excuse. You are responsible for the adult this child will become. Ask yourself honestly what kind of adult are you raising?

I don’t know about you but I would rather see more beautiful paintings and less episodes of genocide, holocausts and war. The kind of future we will have is not in the hands of our children, but those who are raising them. Our children will only repeat the behaviors they learned from us, or that were beaten into them. Not everyone will be imprisoned this way, there are a few who escape. But none of us escape undamaged. We all bear the scars of being raised by those who were not motivated by love.

Reflections

Reflections clash with reflections
clashing with reality,
No way to tell what is real
or meant to be,
Through this confusion
I must chart my course,
Following in the natural current
of my life and not using force.

I can not tell you what is right or wrong,

I can only point out these reflections
are here, then gone,
No way to pick
the right or wrong one,
You make a choice
and then you’re done,
So go with your feelings
and choose the best-feeling one.

Life of Confusion

I find myself repeating old, limiting patterns again. It would be so much easier to play the role of a victim. To point out all the things that are making things so difficult for me. To explain how hard my life is right now. To express how much pain I am going through.

But the fact of the matter is that I have nobody to blame but myself. Every… Single… thing in my life, everything, is there because I asked for it to be there. There are no exceptions. All the bad, what little good I can recall.

For most of my life I have vibrating at a frequency of failure. Of “don’t notice me” when I am around others. While this is changing, I still vibrate at the frequency today. The end result is that I am alone. I started vibrating at this frequency, I suspect, out of fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of failure. Unless I figure out how to raise my frequency, begin vibrating at whatever the frequency is that attracts others of higher vibrations into my life, I will die alone and mostly friendless. I will die a total failure. This will never change until I change.

For most of my life I have also been vibrating at a frequency that, I guess is something like “work sucks” or “I don’t want to work” or “I don’t want to end up like my dad.” Maybe a combination of all of these. As a result, I have been sabotaging myself in every job I have ever had. I am sabotaging myself in my jobs on campus right now. Unless I find a way to raise my frequency and vibration I will keep repeating this until I am aware of whatever it is that is asking for my attention, or until I have learned whatever it is I need to learn.

I could find blame with the people I have worked for and currently work for. Just as I could blame others around me for not noticing me or rejecting me. But if my work is not satisfactory, if I am not happy with it, if I want more of a challenge, or more responsibility, or whatever, I have to operate at the frequency for it. Getting another job does not solve the problem. I will just bring it with me into my new job. It will haunt me until the day I die or simply kill myself. I will never be able to support myself or stand on my own until I kick this motherfucker to the curb.

If my life is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of my life what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency for the life I want, not the life I am currently experiencing. If my work is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of it what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency of the work that I want, not the work I am currently experiencing.

One of the people I work for here at campus left me a scalding reply yesterday. I struggled with how to respond. Do I defend myself? Unless I am guilty, why would I feel the need? Defending myself proves that I am in the wrong, and I know it. The fact of the matter is that what they have said about me is the truth. Not the entire truth or the whole truth. There are forces at work in all our interactions with each other that few of us aware of. But as I look back on my work at that job, I see how I have been doing exactly what he says I have been doing.

While his intention may have been to point out a wrong, I understand that what I am actually getting here is a message from the Universe calling my attention to something I have been doing but have not been aware of doing. The Universe doesn’t give a shit about right or wrong. That’s a human concern. The Universe simply wants me to be who I truly am. It is simply pointing out what I need to be aware of, what I need to address. Because it knows the desires of my heart, and it can see how my actions at my work are not in alignment with the desires of my heart.

When you bend your finger far enough you will feel pain. Proceed and you will damage your finger. The pain isn’t to tell you that you are right or wrong for bending your finger that way. It is there to warn you that you are about to hurt yourself. This message from one of my bosses is just like that. I am being warned that if I continue I will hurt myself. But unlike a normal person who would usually stop once they feel pain, and not hurt themselves, I seem to have at tendency to ignore the warning and cause myself serious damage. I have done it again and again. If these were bones in my physical body, I think I might have broken every one by now! Not just broken, shattered.

The question remains, what do I do? I mean I know I need to be more aware. I know I need to operate at a higher frequency in regards to my work. But how do I do this, and do it consistently, until I have created the inner change required? How do I keep from forgetting what I have come to understand today so I don’t fall back into my old limiting patterns?

A few days ago I pointed out to a friend that they needed to be more mindful when doing their math. But the least mindful person in the room was actually me. Sure I can be mindful with some tasks, like working on math. My advice was good. But for the greater parts of my life I walk through it in a stupor. I am asleep, not aware of what I am doing at all, my mind off into the future or the past.

If it is off into the future, I am typically worried about something. Or hoping for something. Both are based off fear. If I am looking back into the past I am picking the scabs off old wounds. I am lost in regret or sorrow. Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my past that I can appreciate or be happy about? Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my future that I could appreciate and be happy about? Why are there always heavy, gray clouds threatening rain over the skies of my heart? Where, for the love of God, is the fucking blue sky? Where is the fucking sun?

If I quit my job, or quit my life by killing myself, I have accomplished nothing. I have changed nothing. If I come into human form again sometime in the future, I am placing a burden on that person which only gets heavier the more it is passed on. Because each life adds to the weight of sorrow and internal garbage that I have been carrying around since God only knows when. How in the hell can I become the one version or incarnation or whatever of me that finally opens the bag, dumps everything out, and leaves all that shit behind? How can I keep my future selves from suffering the same fate as me? How can I keep going in this life under my current burden?

I have no answers. I don’t know what to do. Or I do but not how to do it. Or I know both and am not allowing myself to remember. I wish I had some guru or something that could slap me upside my head and wake me up long enough that I can remember whatever I need to remember, do whatever I need to do, and change whatever I need to change. Because I am tired of making the same old mistakes. I am tired of walking the path of my life alone, and forcing myself to be alone. I am tired of the kinds of work that keep showing up in my life, and my seeming inability to vibrate at a high enough frequency that better work could show up. Or that would improve my current work.

I am afraid of the future. I worry about what I will do after graduation. I know I am graduating next year. I do not have a low frequency when it comes to my scholarly pursuits. But I am worried I will just keep going to school and run away from everything I need to be aware of and address. I will stick to what I have been successful at but ignore the larger issues of my life. Or I will graduate and I will make it meaningless. I will have this piece of paper and these certifications, but not allow myself to have a good, high paying job that would utilize what I have learned doing my time here.

One thing only I know for sure. I can practice presence by being here, in this moment, with whatever I am doing. I do not know if I can keep it up. But I know that today I am aware that I need to practice awareness, and am doing so. I will take that with me into my work today, and whatever happens… I just wrote, “Hopefully I can raise…” What am I actually saying? That secretly I am afraid I will not be able to.

Let’s try again… I desire to, I wish to, I want to, raise my vibration and operating at a frequency that transforms my life and work experience more into what I want, instead of more of the same. I allow myself to feel what I feel. I surrender to everything I am experiencing in this present moment. I yield to my entire present-moment experience. I set the intention, right now, to raise my vibration and increase the frequency I am operating at, starting with my work today.