I have been meaning to sit down here and write for a long time now. Today I finally had enough inertia to dust off my writing desk, open up this laptop and start typing. Unfortunately my thoughts are not very clear, so this will not be one of my better written pieces. Or at least I assume it won’t be. Maybe I should stop making negative assumptions about my creative endeavors…
Anyhow for the second week now, here on Sunday, I have sat down and watched Michael Bernard Beckwith, of the Agape Institute. It’s church for spiritual, non-religious folk like myself. He ties in the Bible with spiritual subjects effortlessly. You can check out the video which had the most impact on me here:
In that video everything he talks about was a synchronicity in my own life, in my own current studies. It was almost like he was speaking directly to me. Who knows, maybe he was. I had come to understand that my decades old quest to fix myself, to improve, has perpetuated things that I need to fix, or areas in which I need to improve. I have been doing all this to get myself out of the rut I have been stuck in, and into a life I actually want to live. That has been the whole purpose of everything I have studied since I left the Christian/Religious path and started forging my own way.
But I have been doing this while at the heart of me there is a voice whispering that I am not enough. Typically in the form of I am not good enough, or I don’t have enough skills or talent or whatever. I can’t recall it ever actually saying I am not enough, just always bringing up some area in my life in which I am lacking, and my lackluster life seems to support everything it says. But the truth, as I have come to understand it, is that my life is lackluster BECAUSE of my internal perception of myself, of the world, of life and the processes of living, of “reality.” In essence I expect to see that Life Sucks even when I utter these words. So, for me life definitely sucks.
Yet somewhere in the world there is a person sitting in their personal hot tub, or soaking on a 3-week sabbatical at an amazing hot springs resort (meals included), who is enjoying the everloving shit out of life right now, and for them life definitely DOES NOT suck! Even if I do not know this person, who they are or any details, I can assuming with %99.999999 accuracy that they exist. They or someone very similar to them. I can assume that there are many in the world who are not having a “life sucks” experience. Just as I can assume that there are many in the world that are having an even worse experience.
It’s an attunement thing. The people enjoying life right now, and in general, are tuned to a different station internally than the one I have been listening to. The ones having a worse life experience are listening to even more derogatory stations than the one I hear daily. It’s not about fixing anything, because nothing in me is broken. Hell the stations playing the negative stuff aren’t even broken! They are just doing what they have been instructed to do. It’s not about what I lack – what I perceive myself to lack lives only there – in my perception. I could meet someone tomorrow and for her, I could be absolutely perfect, lacking nothing. She might find me to be everything she needs and wants. I don’t see it, but maybe I am the only one blind to my inherent enoughness.
The Universe is a giant, sentient computer. A computer, once you put the parts together, just boots to a black screen initially. It’ll show you any BIOS it has installed, but after its first boot you just get a blinking cursor on a black screen. Waiting. For what? Your instructions. So you install Linux or Windows, and now the computer boots into an operating system. But what does it do after all the OSes initial instructions? Sits there, waiting. It’s a very expensive paperweight, unless you tell it to do something. That is all programming is, by the way. Just telling the box to do something.
I think the Universe is just like that, but it has a sentience behind it. On your birth, you begin to program the Universe. You tell the Universe your expectations, based on your beliefs and perceptions, and the Universe merely executes your commands. I am sure it hurts when you tell it to hurt you, but it is long-suffering and patient. I think the Universe hopes that someday you will stop telling it to hurt you and start giving it instructions to bless you, and it is literally bursting at the seams with goodness for you! But it can’t give you any of that until you command it to. Until you give it your instructions and permission.
Flowers don’t pay taxes for sunlight, oxygen and water. You will find them growing even in multi-billion dollar corporations. Nobody can or ever will charge them for the space they take up. And as long as they have the environmental support they need, they will bloom and emanate their scent for all to enjoy. They do this freely. They are given the gift of life, and all that is needed to make a flower happy, and flowers turn around and give that right back to anyone and anything around them.
One of my assumptions about life is that it sucks. That it is hard. That it is a struggle. That the Universe doesn’t care. When I was a Christian I often felt God didn’t care. Different words, same thing. But it is impossible that the Universe doesn’t care, that it doesn’t hear me, that it doesn’t even listen. Because the life I am currently experiencing is proof that it has heard me loud and clear! I dug a hole, filled it with shit, and dove in. Then I started complaining it wasn’t a hot springs. It wasn’t a nice house with my own hot tub. That there was nobody to share my shit pit with. Who would want to dive in here with me? What woman in her right mind would want to live with a beat up, 46-year old man who still lives with his parents, who doesn’t have a job and little interest in getting one, and who doesn’t really know how to stand on his own two feet?
But look how derogatory and negative I am being towards myself! The fact that I can say this shit about myself proves, beyond any shadow of a doubt, the internal monologue that has been going on. That I am still listening to the whispering voice that only tears me down. So what if I am 46? Beat up? Unemployed? Living with my parents? None of that really matters. Or rather, any value that gives or takes away from me only exists in human perception. It doesn’t take away from my innate value at all.
I am still worthy of love, I am still deserving of being loved. Even if I choose to stay in this shit pit, I deserve to be happy, and to share it with someone. Nobody can take that right away from me. It is the inherent right of every living being on this planet to be happy in whatever way is natural for them. And the Universe wants all beings in all Creation to be happy. It is infinitely abundant, and has enough for all!
I am slowly, very slowly, coming to understand that I am perfect as I am. That there is nothing broken in me. That I am not lacking in any way. There is nothing that needs to be adjusted or fixed. I am still struggling with believing that life is good, or the Universe cares about me. I am not sure how I will come to believe, feel and KNOW these things.
But I do know I want out of this shit pit. That I do want to find a way to stand on my own, some way in which I can serve and be recompensed with abundant amounts of money. And I know I want to meet someone to share my life with. In other words, I know where I want to go, but I am not sure how I will get there. However I am trying to convince myself that I will get there. That I will find my way and arrive at my destination in a timely manner. Like by the end of this year, for example.
Let that be my New Years Resolution, one that I intend to keep. One that I will keep. By the end of the year, I will be in the experience of a life I actually want to live! I will be in the experience of an amazing life, with a bright future and desirable present. I am planting my flag right here. Let it be so!