9-19-2020 – After The Storm

So the windstorm lasted about 3 days, and it took down part of a standing dead tree not far from where the RV I sleep in is parked. Also not far from the horse trough and power lines overhead. It scattered limbs all over the place, and we are still cleaning everything up.

After that the fires in the east and across the river left a smokey, thick air that literally hung around for a week. It made my nostrils burn, made it hard to think or do anything, much less breathe, and I am sad to report I go almost nothing done. In fact fell into a fairly bad mindset, and didn’t even try to meet online with the two writer’s groups I have tentatively joined.

But yesterday I saw the sun, the full sun, not some dull pink disc hanging in the sky! It really did life my spirits, that and the fact I could see the distant hills again, as the smog or fog or rain clouds or whatever combination had receded. Whatever is there is still there, but the air is fresh and clear, and the bad stuff seems to have been pushed out to the distant hills, or washed away.

Just the other night we had such a downpour of rain! A real cloudburst, but it lasted for a few hours before dropping off to a normal rain. The water in my horse trough became a sort of green stew with leaves and pieces of moss floating around inside. I dunked my face in it before I knew that. Now the ground is wet and the birds are singing again. I swear I hardly heard anything other than dogs barking these last few days. No owls hooting at night or birds singing at the close of the day, as I hear now. I always wonder what they are saying to each other. Something like good night, hide well so the predators don’t get you?

Also the other day I suffered from a very bad headache. I am sure it is stress, from all that has happened with the conditions outside recently, to concerns and strains with my life, to the stupid game I insist on playing. I had to come to a place where I decided I would not let the game get to me, and if it started to, I would stop playing. To just let go of the goals I wanted to accomplish but, currently, are unable to. There is great freedom in embracing your current, perceived limitations. Just acknowledging that this is where you are, and to stop struggling so damn much!

We fight so hard to control things, to make things bend to our will. We make it harder than it ever has to be. We espouse hard work as some kind of virtue. We really are like Sisyphus, pushing that damn rock up the hill, over and over again, and for what? Why not just let it go? What is the point in fighting if you are certain you will not win? By all means, work hard at the things that matter to you. But only on the things that matter to you, that you really care about. And learn to walk a balance between pushing ahead and easing off. If you drove your car like you drive your life you will get into a wreck before you know it! The brake pedal is there for a reason.

Just as in driving there is pushing ahead, slowing down, stopping, there are times in life when pushing is necessary, there are times in life to let go, and there are times in life to simply hit the brakes and let things be as they are. How are you driving your life? Pedal to the metal, full steam ahead? Straight into whatever immutable obstacle awaits you, right into the waiting arms of cancer and disease. You are literally pushing yourself to death!

Life does not have to be so hard. I need to hear this as much as I need to say it. There is a flow, and sometimes you drift with it, and sometimes you grab the oars and row. You always get to choose where to point your vessel. But you only get to choose where to point it. You are not in control of the flow, you have no say in the direction or strength of the current. But you can choose what course to take, and what direction you will go.

These next few days will bring some changes, some things I am going to try and work through. I will come back here with anything I learn.

What Is Working In My Writing?

Sage Cohen, in her book, “Fierce on the Page“, talks about focusing on what is working, instead of what is not (chapter 13). As I took a look at myself, all I could think about is what is not working, what I am not doing. Obviously I am focused on what is not working if these are my thoughts. Especially since I am struggling to pinpoint what is working in my writing life.

So, in my writing, what is working? I thought I would sit down and work this out in a blog post, as my last blog post kinda sucked (again, focused on what is not working.) You can do this with me. What is working in your creative life, in whatever way you express yourself creatively?

For me, one of the things I love about when I am writing is when I sit down and sort of fall into a flow state, AKA “The Zone.” When I just get lost in a story I am telling, and it’s like I am experiencing the story at the same time I am writing it. Which, going back to what is not working, why it hurts me so much, why it sucks so much, when I loose the thread and can no longer “pick up” the story. I hate that!

Something else that works for me in my writing is how some things I am working on seem to resonate with me. I have a bunch of shortcuts on my desk to various documents that I felt strongly connected to at the time I created them. I will likely write in one of these. It is so satisfying when you open up a document, and can “pick up the thread” as it were. When this happens I absolutely love it!

Another thing that was working for me in my writing and might work again, is my chosen established writing time. It wasn’t a huge victory, but enough of one that I noticed, when I managed to establish a writing habit. I accepted that I am a writer, made it clear to the others that live here when I am writing and identified myself to them as a writer, then wrote at that time. When I was doing this, it was nice to have that small victory in my writing process. It is also easier to fall back into it now that I have been away from it a while.

I love the high energy, high frequency, high vibration, positive state I am in when poetry comes. Those days when multiple poems would come at once. Nothing phased me, I was in love with the world, engaged with it and all I was experiencing around me, whether it was scenery I was watching or a breeze playing over my skin or the sounds of water flowing, or children playing. If I knew how to live in that state forever, I would. But when I find myself in this state, especially after long absences away, I just enjoy it, relish it and the poetry writing flows effortlessly.

I loved the stories I was able to complete. The short horror stories and, to my eyes, the satisfying endings. I loved creating those endings, and most if not all of the time I never had it planned out in my head. I had this idea for a story. I created a character, plunked them into the story and built it around them based on the idea. Then I watched things develop through their eyes, from the beginning to the end. I went through everything they went through. I lived the story with them. I got scared when they got scared. Then I would wrap everything up, and it hardly ever felt wrong. It felt right. It felt complete. I would like to return to writing short stories like that, and I would LOVE to be able to write longer tales the same way!

I love how certain things I read can have such an impact on me, even to the point of affecting my writing. I once started a story that was completely in rhyme, inspired by the Tolkien books. Managed to get through the first chapter or introduction, then lost it. But I would like to figure out how to access that way of writing, and do an entire short story, or even a novel, completely in rhyme, I am sure I could do it, if I could just figure out how to fall into a state conducive for that writing to happen.

I loved the beauty of that piece I linked you to in my last blog post. I can barely remember when I wrote it. But on discovering it, and reading it again all this time later, I cried a little. It spoke to me. I can hardly believe I wrote it. I can’t even recall the spirit or state I was in when I wrote it. I have some vague idea, but nothing concrete. Yet it says so eloquently what I wanted to say at the time, what I still want to say. I strongly desire to write more parables and things like this. I mean it worked for Kahlil Gibran!

I think that if when I sat down to write I experienced more of these things I enjoyed and loved and less of the struggle I have been wrestling with I would write a lot more. I would develop and grow as a writer much quicker. I know I denied this aspect of myself all these years, and there are consequences for that. I likely have a lot of slogging uphill in the mud to do before I get anywhere in my writing. But I am looking forward to that sunny, green hilltop. That alpine meadow with all the flowers, birds and a few hardy trees. That space where my writing has become more than habit, it has become my life, and I am literally putting my life energy into every word I type. Bleeding on the page energetically, in a state of ecstasy. I look forward to that day, and desire it to come soon!

So, reader, if you are a writer, what are the things that are working in your writing? If you are an artist what are the things that are working in your drawing, painting, sculpting, etc? Any advice or thoughts that you would care to share with everyone? Please comment below.

8-31-2020 – Announcements and Updates

So yeah… Sitting here, joined an online writer’s group, and nothing wants to be written. Just resistance or block or whatever it is. I know some of what I want to write. But I am succumbing to Blank Page Disease. In any case, it occurs to me that I am due for an update here, so update you I will.

We will start with an announcement… I have joined Medium.com and uploaded my first story. Check it out and let me know what you think!

I may be adding a new section to BlissVlog very soon, entitled, “Bookworm’s Bower.” I may post a link to the first episode here.

Still struggling with a lot of things since THE DECISION. Life has not improved or gotten any easier. But the only way to move now is forward.

How Do I Stop Avoiding? How Do I Stop Running Away?

So this has come up as the next hurdle on my path. I have been told, as I may have mentioned, that I have been running away. Running away from hurt, running away from pain, running away from my destiny. I have been told I need to embrace my fear, embrace the pain, then work through it, and embrace my destiny. I have also been told to write.

Of all these instructions I have only been able to follow one, and that is to write. And, as I may have mentioned, writing has become easier for me. More effortless. Although I am still meeting resistance in the form of struggling what I want to write about. But at least now I am ready to let my fingers fly over the keyboard, should something come to mind.

It came to me today that maybe I will put out another questioning piece. These are tough, because I am not coming with any sort of solution. I am asking you how am I to do this thing, what do you think? I am seeking communication and interaction with others – perhaps together we can figure this out? Because honestly, I have no idea how to stop running away.

I think part of the problem might be that I didn’t know I was running away in the first place. I thought I taking responsibility for things. I though I was accepting the things that came, as they are. I thought I was embracing everything I needed to embrace. It turns out I thought wrong, although I am still struggling to come to agreement with that. Because it doesn’t seem like me. It doesn’t seem like my idea of myself. My idea of how I am.

I think maybe I haven’t been running away… What I mean is, that I haven’t started running away from anything in these later years. A voice in my head tells me that this isn’t true – we shall see. What I think is going on is that I started running away a long time ago, and I was, maybe am still, running away today. As there was no conscious decision I was aware of to run away, I didn’t think I was doing it. The fact I have been running away outside of my awareness, even were I to bring awareness to it, it would seem normal. Like breathing. Something I have always done. That’s my theory anyway.

So I guess the first step to stop running away is to become aware that I am running away. Maybe the next step is to state out loud my pain – whatever I am running away from. Then write that down, bringing awareness to it. I suppose that is the course of action I will have to take. But I do not know what do to do after that. A voice in my head tells me to renounce running away. That would make sense. As running away was a normal course of action for me, but no longer serves, it is likely time to renounce it and turn my back on it.

I guess that would be the next step. It is perhaps only after stopping that I can face whatever I am running away from, and only in facing it that I can work through it. Perhaps that is my best course of action. What do you think? Is there anything in your life, obvious once you think about it, from which you are running away? How long have you been running away from this?

If you are someone who was avoiding certain things, running away from certain things, and have since figured out how to stop and work through them, what is the process you used? How did you do it? How did you stop avoiding, stop running away, and then face whatever it is you needed to face?

Please share you comments, suggestions and thoughts below. Thank you.

Embracing All You Have Refused To Accept – Running Towards All You Have Been Running Away From

Longest… Title… Ever… As I sat down and asked myself, “Is there anything I want to write here?” Is the blog due another post?” it occurred to me that I have not written a teaching type article in a while. Not sure how long, but I am fairly certain that it has been some time. I wondered what I could teach you, and one of the things that came to mind was I could talk about what I am learning.

Time and again it has been told to me that I was avoiding, running away from, playing small, trying to be invisible, etc. I have been instructed to embrace my calling (which appears to be writing), to embrace my fear, to stop playing small, to stop running away from hurt, pain and rejection. I have been told that I have… Not sure the right words… Avoided success because I didn’t want to fail, or failed initially because I didn’t want t fail in a big way, as in after I had succeeded.

Until I was told these things I thought I was being responsible and facing my fears. But somehow I have been in continuous avoidance, running away and playing small all these years. All of this taking place I guess outside my conscious awareness. All of this taking place without me being aware of it at all. I wonder what kind of experiences I must have had as a child to essentially ask for help running away so I could stay invisible and not have to be hurt. I always thought I had a high tolerance for pain. Maybe physically, but inside, emotionally, I must be like that character Glass that Samuel Jackson plays. I must have been unable to tolerate it.

The path ahead of me is clear. I must embrace my calling, my fear, and everything I have been running away from. I must embrace failure, pain, success and everything else I may experience as I do what I came here to do, which is apparently to write, although what I do not know. I twisted things up inside so much that I couldn’t recognize writing as my calling – I am still not seeing it. I lost most of my enjoyment for it and all of my passion. I also have to stop playing small and making myself invisible. It isn’t serving anyone, especially me. I must embrace success and any sort of roller coaster ride of emotion that may come with it.

Don’t fuck things up like I have. I messed myself up so badly… All these things I was doing to distract myself, and because I also hated myself, hated my body and could not accept it. I did not know how deep the rot went.

So if there is something that, deep down inside, you know you must do, DO IT. Immediately! If there is anything you have been running away from, it is time to turn around and face it. Stop running, stop playing small, stop trying to make yourself invisible. Just stop. Find a way to love and accept yourself as you are, all of you as you are, every aspect that you think of as you. The longer you run away, the harder it will be to stop running. The more ingrained all the bad habits will be ingrained, and the stronger the spell of forgetfulness that you have cast on yourself.

If you are sitting there, reading this, wondering what the hell to do with your life, you have wandered too far from your calling. You are lost, and you have to find your way back. You have to remember that thing you used to do, maybe you still do, that used to bring you joy, that used to make you happy, that you used to get lost in doing for long stretches of time. Stop running away and allowing yourself to get distracted. Make the time and do that thing you are called to do.

I don’t have any sort of guaranteed process or any steps for you to go through. I am pointing towards the moon, but you have to find your own way there. I know the processes that have helped me to get to the place where I am waking up and starting to disentangle myself, and I will share all of that with you. But that process may not resonate or be the best for you. One thing you can do is to state your pain. State, out loud, that thing causing your pain, or that you are struggling with. Make yourself aware of it, write it down. That will be the first step in working through it.

You can do this. Embrace your power, take responsibility for the life you are experiencing. If you are not happy, it is time to change it.

You can do this.

Believe it!

What Is Bliss Writer About?

I just read a section titled, “Serve Your Audience” from Sage Cohen’s, “Fierce on the Page“, while listening to Illenium’s, “Ascend.” Hit The Broken Ones and started to tear up. Not sure what is going on with me. I wasn’t even sure what I would write about today. But it occurred to me that maybe I should tell everyone who comes here what this blog is about. What its intention is.

Bliss Writer comes on the heels of a few other blogs, including Romance Beyond Reality, and a gaming website I tried to keep going called the Nucleus. It is a natural evolution of my own journey, as the years pass and the hard lessons keep coming. Bliss Writer is essentially a journal. But it is also a place where spiritual ideas and insights are shared, as I learn them or come to realize them.

I wanted a place to express myself when I first started out. Now my focus is to maintain the habit of writing as I have since embraced myself as a writer. I started Bliss Writer as I embarked on a new spiritual path, my own spiritual path. I was letting go of old Christian beliefs and finding teachings that resonated with me from a variety of faiths. But now I continue Bliss Writer, still waking my own spiritual path, but now also walking the path of a poet and a writer.

Unfortunately, the spiritual side of things is not always bright and sunny. Or at least it has not been for me. Maybe for some folks it is. But for me I have endured Belief Systems Crash, trying to apply teachings and failing to manifest anything, and at least a few Dark Night of the Souls. It has not been an easy journey. But I did want to keep the darker aspects of myself and my journey away from Bliss Writer, and that is why I felt I had to start another blog and begin the ongoing process of weeding out old posts that do not reflect the image I want to portray here.

I do not want to hide from or ignore the darkness. I just don’t want to dive into it here, splashing it around all over you, the reader. I want to express all that stuff, all the death thoughts, sexual thoughts, excessive swearing, etc. somewhere else. I know I need to embrace it as it is a part of me. It is just not a part that you, my reader, needs to see. I will not hide from you that I have this other side, but I am also determined not to expose you to it. That side I reserve for sharing with my closest friends, or friend in this case, and those who love and support me regardless. Whenever they deign to show up in my life anyway.

So Bliss Writer might get harsh and brush up against the darkness. It is not trying to hide any of that from you. That is part of the spiritual journey. But the energy here must be of a higher frequency, a higher vibration, as much as possible. I would like Bliss Writer to become a support community, for myself and each of my readers, as we all explore our various spiritual paths. I really want it to be a place to share spiritual ideas, insights, revelations, etc. I want it to be a loving, open, receptive, sharing community.

I will share teachings here, journal entries to update you, insights, poetry and other materials as I am inspired to write them. This is what Bliss Writer is about. Someone has to take the first step, to reach out. Someone has to put their arms out, ready to embrace. In this case, at this blog, that is me, and I am still waiting for you, the reader, to accept my open invitation. But I admit to being afraid that things will continue as they have, being one-sided, so it feels to me as if I am talking to the void, with nobody really listening or paying attention. I will set an intention that this change.

Maybe Bliss Writer will have to be retired like my other blogs. Maybe I need to start a Discord server or something. Maybe I need to start a website or a forums. But for now Bliss Writer is the easiest way for me to readily share whatever I have to share, continuing my writing habit, establishing me even more as a writer.

If you have come to this blog and left feeling confused, I apologize. If there are blog entries, sections or anything else that do not seem to fit, please let me know. I want to be sure that when you come in here, you will expect updates, teachings and poetry, and that is what you will find. Also that these materials will be of a certain energy. If I have failed anywhere in either regard, I wish to immediately correct it.

I am here, at Bliss Writer, to tell you that you are not alone. It is hard to leave a faith you have held for many years. Especially if your parents and their parents also hold it. It is hard to believe something so deeply that when it falls apart, it seems like your world is coming down around you. It is hard to find the light, or even remember it is there, when you are caught up struggling through the morass and all around you is darkness. It is really hard being a poet when it seems as if nobody wants anything to do with poetry. Who really wants to stand up proudly and proclaim they are a poet? And it is hard to be a writer, who has written things for decades, and just wants to get something published but has found nothing but rejection letters.

If any of that describes you, then Bliss Writer can be a haven for you. It is a place where someone, going through the same things, continues to plunk away at the keyboard, sharing their ideas, inspirations and thoughts. Such a journey, as the one we are on, is easier if it is taken together.

Welcome to Bliss Writer!

Welcome home.

A Vital Aspect of Working Through Feelings

I learned something, a long time ago, after years of trying to play the referee for my parents whenever they were fighting. I tried for so long to keep them together, trying to problem solve, inserting myself into their arguments, trying to calm everyone down. But something happened (the details elude me) and I learned that I need to let them work it out. That I was not doing them any favors by inserting myself between them. Or for that matter, myself.

There are so many hard lessons to learn and this is one of the most difficult, especially if you are a problem solver or have mediator tendencies. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, it is better to step back and stay out of it. Sometimes a problem is not yours to solve, or an argument is not yours to mediate. You will not be operating from a state of love when you step in, it will be a state of fear that drives you, way down deep below your conscious motives. It will only seem loving, like you care, on the surface. But deep down there is a fear of loss driving you.

Or if you are a problem solver, like me, you may come to believe or feel that you have to solve every problem that comes your way, and it almost becomes like an obligation. I can’t trace the fear roots right now. But I can tell it is not love, not if it feels like an obligation. Or maybe the thing driving you is the sense of accomplishment you feel when you successfully solve a problem. But that tracks down to a fear that you have little or no value. That fear I know all too well. If you do not have a lot, or any, self-confidence, or feel worthless, or maybe even feel powerless, solving a problem may help alleviate these feelings.

In any case the rule remain roughly the same as the ones for working through your feelings. You have to acknowledge, allow, feel what needs to be felt, then release and let go. You have to face the feelings and work them, and another side to this is that you have to be willing to let others face their feelings and work them. You must not interfere with another individual’s process, especially if you profess to care about them! You may be feeling real pain, watching them go through whatever it is they are going through, but the absolute best thing you can do is just be there for them. Just love them and support them, lend a listening ear or a warm embrace when it is asked for. If you are a truly good listener, you will be able to ask questions that support them and help them clarify things for themselves. This is invaluable!

Nothing in all creation has more valuable than your loving, supportive presence. Not trying to fix anything, not trying to diminish anything, not trying to change anything. You are allowing the feelings to be there for this other person, and you are allowing them to work through them. They might stumble and fall, you are there with a hand, but only if they ask for it. And if they get lost in their feelings, unable to work through them, and end up hurting themselves or others, it is not your fault. You have done all you can do, and done it the best way it can be done. If you have truly been there for them, loving and supporting them, allowing them to work through things without interfering, then you have done the best you could. There is nothing to feel guilty about. You will need to work through your own feelings around what happens, then forgive them and yourself as needed.

So not only is the best course of action is for you to work through your own feelings, acknowledging they are there, allowing them to be there without trying to change them, embracing them with acceptance and love, feeling them as long as you need to feel them, and only then releasing them and letting them go, you ALSO must be willing to let others do the same with their own feelings!

On top of that, you need to learn to care about yourself enough, to love and value yourself enough, that you stop inserting yourself into situations where you are essentially sacrificing some aspect of yourself. It could be that you are not honoring your own needs and instead are throwing yourself into providing the needs of others. Or it could be that you need space away from people, but you are inserting yourself in the middle of them.

It all boils down to disregarding your needs in some way. You need to learn to step back and give yourself what you need, first and foremost, before jumping in to help others. You may even see that the way in which you were going to help was not the best way to help at all. It did not honor the needs of those you wanted to help or your own. At best was a distraction, at worse an interference.

The good news is that as you learn to pause and take a step back before you do something, and as you learn to attend to your needs first, you will find yourself in a better position to see the best way to help, or if you even should help. You will gain a little clarity with a little distance. Operating from that place of clarity, after addressing your own needs, will make you more effective if you decide to step in and help. It will also allow you to help in ways that are loving an supportive instead of interfering.

It is time to put away the magnifying lens and referee’s whistle. Time to not “… just do something, stand there.” Take a minute, become aware of your own feelings and needs, then attend to these first. Fill up your cup. You can’t fill another’s cup of yours is empty. So fill it up, then take a step back to look at the situation. What is the best way you can show your love and support here? Is this something the person, or the people, need to work out for themselves, or among themselves? If so, leave it alone. Just be there for those you care about.

As far as working through feelings goes, I will have an ebook available soon which I will be giving away for free. It goes over a lot of what I have said these last few years. Look for a link soon!

5-19-2020 – The Non-experience of Hope

I could have sworn I wrote or said something about hope before, maybe it was one of my episodes of The Circle. In any case, it seems I have written about this very little here. This post is both a post on its own and a continuation of what I was writing yesterday, as I said I may come back and write more on that later.

In, “Learning To Love Yourself” Gay Hendricks has a whole section on Hoping in Chapter 3. He says, “Hope is another mode of non-experience.” He also says, “Hoping something will be different practically guarantees it will not change.” He goes on to talk about how change needs space, and things like hoping, wishing, believing and deciding are based on fear. That makes these states space-denying, because we are operating under the “…assumption that we are to be rid of the thing we’re trying to change.”

I think this ties in fairly well with the things I have written these last few days. And I have encountered this teaching before by others, that hope places whatever you are hoping for in the future, so that you never reach it, that you need space to create change, and that to create space you need love. It all comes down to being willing to embrace and experience whatever it is that you do not want to embrace or experience right now, that you want to be something better or different.

It all boils down to fear VS love – either you are afraid of this thing you want to change, or afraid that you are not worthy of it changing, or you find your way to loving this thing you want to change, and you find a way to see that you are worthy of love. You start by loving what you can, right now, in this moment. If you can not love this thing, love yourself for you feel about it. This is what I am practicing in regards to my current life experience. If you can not love yourself, love how you feel about yourself, or the aspect of yourself you enjoy, are happy with or proud of.

Self-love is not a dirty word. Because self-love fills up your glass, and allows you to have love that you can then give to others. If you have no love for yourself, you having nothing in your glass, and nothing you can give others. Self-love, self-care self-esteem and selfishness, believe it or not, are all virtues. People get self-centeredness and selfishness confused. Selfishness just means you are taking care of yourself first. You have to do that or you can’t take care of anyone else! But to be self-centered means that you only care about yourself, and this is an undesirable state to be in. However, if that is where you are, you have to find your way to loving yourself for being that way, if you want to change!

You have to feel that you are important enough and worthy enough to be loved to be cared for, to be appreciated, to be desired, etc. If you do not feel this way about yourself, you are dealing with a lack of confidence and self-esteem. I am right there with you. I am working through many years of self-abuse too. Whenever you are unable to love yourself, you are likely abusing yourself, or allowing yourself to be abused. The only way to stop is to work through these issues, so that you can come to love and accept yourself as you are.

In any case, we have veered off-subject. If you are sitting there, hoping the perfect woman (or man) will come in and sweep you off your feet, you will never get dressed, go out there where the people are, and look for him or her, and as a result you will continue to sit there, alone, until you do. To use a Christian teaching, “Seek and ye shall find.” This is the action part of manifestation. There is action you must take to bring things into your life, and only in doing these actions in the natural flow of your life will you bring ito it the things you desire.

But as I have said before, you are not trying to make anything happen. This is taking action as needed, while remaining in a mindset of faith and trust that the Universe will provide. Hoping things will change will not get you there, because you are all closed up around whatever the issue is. You have to be willing to experience it. You have to be able to embrace it, which acknowledges it and accepts then, feel all you need to feel, then release it and let it go. Ultimately you have to be able to love it, and in doing so, you unclench your fist, release your grip around it, and give the thing room to change.

5-18-2020 – Taking Back Your Power

Before I begin you should probably watch this:

Be aware that Teal can be very challenging, and there is a lot of stuff covered in that video which you may need to absorb, process or unpack. I had to watch it twice and took half a dozen or so pages of notes. I am still, a few days later, trying to sort through what I have learned.

Interestingly, I am not getting this message from just one source. I finally picked up Shaman Durek’s book, “Spirit Hacking” yesterday and read where I left off, a section entitled, “Your Power Is Not Waiting To Be Found On The Side of A Milk Carton.” Even before Teal’s video, I think where I was reading in, “The Tao of Manifestation” by the Barefoot Doctor was talking about this same subject.

I think it is safe to say that the Universe is telling me something. You ignore stuff like this to your own detriment. If multiple sources are bringing you the same or related information, you best pay attention. So many of us are waiting around for God to save us, or speak to us, and then when the Universe does speak up like this we shrug it off and ignore it. That you are getting this info means you are ready to take the next step in your growth. You are ready to transition from one level to another. In gamer terms, you are ready to level up.

I acknowledge and admit that I am feeling a little concerned, a little worried, that I will mess this up somehow. Do something wrong, miss my train as it were. I am doing my best to pay attention, to work through this, picking up what I can, applying it where I can. I almost wrote that I hope it is enough, but I am coming to see, or perhaps remembering that I have seen (did I write about hope before?) that hope actually keeps you from what you are hoping for. I will search, post a link, maybe talk more on this later.

In any case, I am determined to work through and with this in every way I know how, and that in the process the step will be taken, I will level up and transition to whatever my next lesson may be. I want this to be the case, and I also want it to be that case that after doing so, I will find myself in a place of more experience based understanding, more power, more confidence and all I need to manifest the things I want to bring into my life.

At the same time I am determined to find my way to loving my life as it is, whatever my current experience may be, and then move from there to loving myself. I want that openness, that space, which is only created through love, to create change, big change, desirable change, meaningful change in my life and my experience of the world.

I may have more to say on this later… This is a little rough I know. But I guess sometimes a little roughness is needed, depending on how and where you find yourself in your life.

5-11-2020 – Struggling

I have been finding it increasingly hard to remember that bright Santa Barbara sun, and the things I had determined, or came to see, back then. My friend has been on my case about my attitude regarding what I will call here the “Eject Button.” As this blog does not deal with the darker stuff anymore – I save that for my other blog – you will just have to guess what I am referring to here.

Anyhow my friend wants me to remember my attitude and how I felt when I had initially came back from California. He has it in his head that I was no longer considering using the “Eject Button.” I didn’t think that was true, but something I posted here on my return seems to disagree. I thought I had pushed that idea to the back of my mind but nothing had changed enough to get me to let go of it entirely.

Over the last few days, as I have been reading, “Learning To Love Yourself” I have come to see the resistance I have to my life as it is. I have even posted about this here multiple times. It has come up, over and over. All things come down to Love or Fear. Resistance comes from fear. In Love there is opening and space. In Fear there is closing and no space. Space is needed for things to change.

When I am closed down tight around something, like an irritant inside a clam, there is no way that change can occur. Unlike inside a clam, where eventually a pearl will come into existence. Inside a person, resistance freezes things in time, keeps things the way they are and keeps them stuck. I acknowledge I am closed up tightly around everything I perceive to be an issue, everything I label as undesirable.

I can not love my life right now. I am unable to do that. But I can love myself for how I feel about my life. I am now making this as part of my practice, as a way of creating space where I can, in time, love my life, no matter how it may be. If I can find love for my life, I can create more space, which will allow my life to change. Maybe that is the only way I can create a life that, from my current perspective, would be more desirable.