The Feeling

Waking up,
no energy, feeling weak,
feeling down.

blue sky, clouds,
sun shining.

A breeze plays among the chimes,
I don’t know the words
that could explain this feeling,
or even describe it.

I only know that when it comes,
this little black book and pen,
finds its way to my hand.

Instead of me bleeding,
instead of me crying,
the pen weeps ink on this page,
the page begins to fill,
until, finally bereft,
the pen stops moving.

Or maybe, this ink is my blood,
transmuted through archaic processes,
from me through the pen,
and these words are the result
of all I must express.

All that demands expression, somehow satiated,
by the blood splattered all over this page,
in these sloppy yet organized patterns,
these squiggles we call words.

This feeling is an old familiar one,
comfortable in its familiarity,
but terrible in the act of feeling it.

No wonder as I bleed this ink
onto the page I feel an emptiness,
I identify as relief.

Why The Law Doesn’t Work

I watched a recent episode of Murdoch Mysteries, and it was about a murder that had taken place where the then Niagara Club, later the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People), were meeting. There were two groups represented. One group was of a “Go Along To Get Along” mentality, believing that by keeping their head down and working within the law, they would be safe. The other group believed that the law had to change, that they had to fight, and that the law was not written for them.

It made me think back to other things I have talked about, thought about or written about. For example, how gun laws do not stop criminals from getting guns. In fact, gun laws only create a marketplace for those who wish to sell guns, and they make it harder for law-abiding people to get them legally. The only people who are affected by gun control laws are law abiding people. If a criminal wants a gun they will get one, and if they can’t get a gun, they will use a knife. If they can’t get a knife, they will use a stick. If they can’t get a stick they will use their bare hands. Gun controls laws, in an effort to control the minority who would use guns to harm others, actually make it harder for the majority who need to defend themselves.

The laws of our society work similarly, and this is no surprise, because they are designed by the same groups and individuals. The law serves one purpose, and that is to control undesired and unwanted behavior. That’s it. There is nothing noble to serve here. The law is controlling, repressive and suppressive. It is not written and passed by the majority – in fact few people actually know the laws where they live. And it is purposefully written in hard to understand language, provided you can even find a way to access its volumes. This is no different than medieval times when most people could not read or write, and they were kept illiterate so they could be more easily controlled. It is yet another example of using some vast, sweeping measure to control a few undesirables, and in the end it negatively affects everyone.

The law uses fear to control people. The assumption is that if people are too afraid to break its tenets, if they are afraid of going to jail, that they will behave. There is another assumption as well, one that nobody acknowledges, but I am going to put it right here in black and white. That assumption is that without the rule of law there would be chaos.

We see this belief played out in movies like The Purge, where one day a year there are no laws and people can do whatever they want. We see vast hordes of people running around, beating each other, killing each other, committing all sorts of crime. But this is an assumption, and it is inherently false. Throughout human history there have been times where people lived far outside the reach of kings or queens or any controlling groups. And they lived peaceably with each other. In fact, were all the laws of our society to be repealed today, things would continue pretty much as they have. Almost everyone would continue their usual routines. That’s because man in general is a thinking, reasoning animal, not a rabid, snarling beast!

We trade our freedom for security, because we believe the lie that our fellow man is not to be trusted. That makes it easier for groups and individuals to control us, to keep their influence and power, not to mention the majority of the wealth. This is what you sacrifice on the alter of the law. And Law is a fickle god! At any moment those in power can break the law and do whatever the hell they want, and there is little if anything you can do about it. If you try they will pit your fellow man against you, those foolhardy enough to wear a badge and a uniform, thinking they are there to serve and protect, when in reality they are nothing more, and have never been anything more, than a boot on your neck. Don’t believe me?

How many people are abiding by the law in North Korea right now? And how are they being treated? How many bodies are still buried throughout Europe, from World War 1 and 2, left there by those obeying the law of the draft? How many bodies are scattered throughout the jungles of Vietnam and the sands of Afghanistan? Soldiers obeying orders, just about all of them. A few certainly from suicide or shot by their commanding officers for desertion.

How many young men were obeying Hitler’s law, and how many police officers insured that they did? How many American police officers all the way through Vietnam made sure that every man of serviceable age reported for duty, with dire consequences for those who did not? What happened to the families who tried to protect their children, tried to hide them? How many young men bought into the lie of duty and lied about their age to join? How many willingly marched right into the barrel of a gun or the explosive blast of an IED?

Your safety and security is an illusion. Keeping your head down only makes it easier to chop it off. If you want to go willingly to the chopping block, I am not going to stop you. Certainly the world will be a better place without you in it. It is people like you, people without a backbone, people who can not stand up for themselves and others, who have created the world I now inhabit. If you want to hide your head in the sand so be it. Again I am not going to stop you. But I am going to insist you stop lying to yourselves, your children and to me that we need the rule of law, or that what we have is better than nothing. What we have is broken and does not work.

Our prisons are filled with minorities, thrown in for non-violent offences like drug possession and use, while the real criminals, those who actually broke the law and stole money from the average law-abiding citizen in 2008, are still walking around free (just one example of thousands.) Furthermore the same corporation privately owns and runs many of these prisons, under various names, and they are getting paid to keep offenders in jail, so even once someone has served their sentence there is every likelihood they will end up right back inside. They system you so ignorantly believe in is designed that way. It has been made this way on purpose. There is no attempt at all to help prisoners integrate back into society.

The law doesn’t work, and there is little honor to be found in wearing a badge or a military uniform. I am certain there are believers in both causes, and perhaps some of these can find an honorable way to truly serve and protect their fellow man. And I am certain there are heroes to be found in both causes. But the vast majority will simply follow their orders without question or thought, afraid of loosing their freedom, life, position, rank or status.

Thankfully all fear-based systems like this ultimately fail. Maybe long after the damage has been done. But none have ever lasted, and none will. Eventually mankind will get smart enough to figure out that attempting to control the behavior of others ultimately does not work. Because the only reason to control the behavior of others is so that they don’t do things we don’t want them to do. When we try to control others like this, our happiness ultimately depends on the strength of our control, and since people will not be controlled for long, our happiness is bound to be short-lived. Better to find a way to be happy no matter what others may or may not be doing. Better to find a way to influence others without trying to control them. I know we will get there eventually.

2-7-2022 – Growing Pains

I have just gone through an experience that has left me overstimulated. That is the only word I can think of. I am feeling so many things I just needed the space and time to process. So I listed to Mei Lan Maurits, then Sylvia Nakkach as I did the dishes. It is very hard for me to wash dishes. I have come to realize that I have a trauma from childhood, and incident that happened when I was a child, that involved washing dishes.

But I knew the “mindless” activity of doing dishes, as I listed to this music, would help me to untangle the knot of emotions I could actually feel in my stomach. It affected a later bowel movement and caused me to need to drink some Kombucha. It was not anything I had eaten – it was my body’s reaction to the emotional tangle I have only, as I write this, managed to unraveled a bit.

As I finished my self-assigned task, another way I deal with doing dishes is I choose to, and only if my heart is in it, and only in my own timing, and only if I do not promise to do them. Those are the terms I have made with myself. Those are the terms I have established with my parents. Their agreement is not required. I choose. I decide. As I finished them, I thought maybe I needed to write something. So I eventually sat down here and began to type. I had no idea what I was going to write, and I still don’t. But I think I will be sharing a few things I have been feeling, going through or thinking.

There are two reasons I am aware of as to why I am not writing here more consistently and regularly. One is that I am still at odds with writing. The other is that I am focused almost exclusively on playing Minecraft and creating content with it for YouTube. I think maybe the reason I chose this path, a path at which I am likely to fail either from self-sabotage or just not having what it takes, is similar to why I have these terms for doing dishes, and why I have to listen to music when doing them.

I am avoiding thinking about the future. How in a few months we will likely have to move. I just can’t think about that. I still have no hope for the future. I am trying to do something that could have a future. There are people who make $4,000 on a single video at YouTube. If I could earn that much a month it would be enough to support myself. If I could earn more I could travel, have a hot spring vacation. I could heal and recover. I could stand on my own. But if I am honest with myself, I do not really believe I will succeed at being a YouTuber. I doubt myself, I don’t think I have that special something, that secret sauce, that makes others doing the same thing like Grian and Scar successful.

I know this is coming in part from the severe case of not-enough-itus afflicting me. Also little or no self-confidence or self-esteem. I know there are what Mastin Kipp calls SP’s (Survival Patterns) trying to direct me at a subconscious level along paths thought safe when I was a boy. I am working through his 40-Day Claim Your Power book right now.

I know these SP’s have also caused me to assume that I am broken, that I do not fit, that I do not matter, that I have no value, that I am, worthless, etc. They sent me on a never-ending quest to fix myself, a quest I have now abandoned. I have come to see that, no matter what anyone says or thinks, I am perfect as I am, exactly as I am, right now, in this moment. There is nothing broken in me that I must fix. Nothing I need to change. Nothing wrong with me and… The Universe makes no mistakes. If I am here then I am supposed to be here. There is not fitting in or not fitting in. If I didn’t belong here, I would never have been here.

So today I did my second official livestream. I know that being a streamer is likely not a path I will pursue. But it is a part of content creation I am exploring. If we never venture beyond the edges of the familiar we will never grow. We will become cramped in our lives, in the illusion of being comfortable. Like the genie in the bottle, inside all filled with cushions and luxurious fabrics. But the genie has been there hundreds of years. We have to stretch, just as our bodies had to stretch and change when we were children as we matured. Every flower must burst from the familiar confines of its bud, or else the bee will never be able pollinate it, and the flower will wither and die.

In the course of this livestream and afterwards I went through I a lot. I as attacked and betrayed, though I hardly noticed it. Still I think it is affecting me at some level I can’t readily identify. I ventured into the End and beat the Ender Dragon, beating the game. The fact it had been decades since I had reached the credits of a video game also had an affect on me. As did exploring the End Cities, getting my wings. That exhilaration from earning them. I went into the game as close as possible to what would be a reasonable level if I were playing the game single-player. In an SMP, especially a wonderful one like Philosophy SMP, folks are giving you things, offering you things, trading with you for things. I did my best to keep it real, and I really felt I had earned my wings.

Then afterwards the senior member of my party took us aside and talked about some stuff. During the debriefing I learned where I had come up short during our time “End Busting.” I admit that did sting, and I still feel like I need to make it right somewhere. But if I am honest, I truly did not know better, and I did the best I could to share and not be greedy. I also learned who had attacked and betrayed not only me, but also the other two members of my party, both of whom I had been friendly with, and now having to gotten to know them a little better, consider to be my friends. But going into that coming off of the high of all we had done together – that was rough. I was feeling exhausted, punch-drunk even, bewildered and overwhelmed. Strangely I felt no anger. I still don’t. But I do feel disappointed and sad.

I wanted to know why they did what they did, I wanted to understand. Now my not-enough-itus is rearing its ugly head, telling me I must have done something wrong., something to make them jealous or offend them. But shrugging it off as mere jealousy feels cheap. Doesn’t feel right. Even if I were to embrace that conclusion, I would still somehow believe and feel it was my fault. Despite the fact that on a conscious, logical level I know this can’t be the truth. Strangely it is a self-centered, the Universe revolves around me, mindset that presumes its about me at all. That somehow I have the power to make someone feel jealous and drive them to malicious action. Bullshit!

All trees are known by their fruit. If the fruit is rotten, small or tough, there is likely disease or rot in the tree, or its roots. None of us are responsible for the rot at the heart of another. That rot is there because they put it there. They likely did not know they were doing so. But at some level outside their conscious awareness, they made a choice. They decided how they would feel, or how they would respond, or what some happening meant to them.

Then they placed some value on it, labeled it good or bad, took a victim stance and shrunk around the hurt, the scar or the wound. This shrinking infects it, fills it with pus, makes it malignant, and, as all seeds sprout to reveal the truth of what they are, this retained, unhealed part of a person sprouts. It sinks roots deep down, well outside the individual’s conscious awareness then it produces its fruit, in this case a malicious act.

I am not angry. If anger comes I will embrace it. But I am sad. I wish it hadn’t come to this. I am sad for what happened, and I am sad for the state of these people. I don’t think I am criticizing or judging. It hurts me that they are so hurt. It hurts me that anyone would be so hurt. But I do not know how to help, or what the solution may be. And I know that ultimately, I must allow these individuals to walk their own paths. I must not interfere, out of love for them. We all have our burdens to bear and lessons to learn. May they learn theirs quickly, so they can emerge happier, more joyful than before! May they feel whatever it is they need to feel, and release then let go of whatever it is they must release and let go!

As for me I am doing what I set out to do. I wanted to reach out. I have been so closed off for so long. I have my own infected wounds I must cut open and heal. I wanted to connect with people and make friends, and I think I have. I am grateful for this. I am also thankful for the opportunities I have been granted. I do not know what the future holds, and as I said. I can not bear to think about it. But right now, in this moment, all is truly well. I am just a little tired, and i will address this right after I finish typing these words.

1-2-2022 – My New Years Resolution

I have been meaning to sit down here and write for a long time now. Today I finally had enough inertia to dust off my writing desk, open up this laptop and start typing. Unfortunately my thoughts are not very clear, so this will not be one of my better written pieces. Or at least I assume it won’t be. Maybe I should stop making negative assumptions about my creative endeavors…

Anyhow for the second week now, here on Sunday, I have sat down and watched Michael Bernard Beckwith, of the Agape Institute. It’s church for spiritual, non-religious folk like myself. He ties in the Bible with spiritual subjects effortlessly. You can check out the video which had the most impact on me here:

In that video everything he talks about was a synchronicity in my own life, in my own current studies. It was almost like he was speaking directly to me. Who knows, maybe he was. I had come to understand that my decades old quest to fix myself, to improve, has perpetuated things that I need to fix, or areas in which I need to improve. I have been doing all this to get myself out of the rut I have been stuck in, and into a life I actually want to live. That has been the whole purpose of everything I have studied since I left the Christian/Religious path and started forging my own way.

But I have been doing this while at the heart of me there is a voice whispering that I am not enough. Typically in the form of I am not good enough, or I don’t have enough skills or talent or whatever. I can’t recall it ever actually saying I am not enough, just always bringing up some area in my life in which I am lacking, and my lackluster life seems to support everything it says. But the truth, as I have come to understand it, is that my life is lackluster BECAUSE of my internal perception of myself, of the world, of life and the processes of living, of “reality.” In essence I expect to see that Life Sucks even when I utter these words. So, for me life definitely sucks.

Yet somewhere in the world there is a person sitting in their personal hot tub, or soaking on a 3-week sabbatical at an amazing hot springs resort (meals included), who is enjoying the everloving shit out of life right now, and for them life definitely DOES NOT suck! Even if I do not know this person, who they are or any details, I can assuming with %99.999999 accuracy that they exist. They or someone very similar to them. I can assume that there are many in the world who are not having a “life sucks” experience. Just as I can assume that there are many in the world that are having an even worse experience.

It’s an attunement thing. The people enjoying life right now, and in general, are tuned to a different station internally than the one I have been listening to. The ones having a worse life experience are listening to even more derogatory stations than the one I hear daily. It’s not about fixing anything, because nothing in me is broken. Hell the stations playing the negative stuff aren’t even broken! They are just doing what they have been instructed to do. It’s not about what I lack – what I perceive myself to lack lives only there – in my perception. I could meet someone tomorrow and for her, I could be absolutely perfect, lacking nothing. She might find me to be everything she needs and wants. I don’t see it, but maybe I am the only one blind to my inherent enoughness.

The Universe is a giant, sentient computer. A computer, once you put the parts together, just boots to a black screen initially. It’ll show you any BIOS it has installed, but after its first boot you just get a blinking cursor on a black screen. Waiting. For what? Your instructions. So you install Linux or Windows, and now the computer boots into an operating system. But what does it do after all the OSes initial instructions? Sits there, waiting. It’s a very expensive paperweight, unless you tell it to do something. That is all programming is, by the way. Just telling the box to do something.

I think the Universe is just like that, but it has a sentience behind it. On your birth, you begin to program the Universe. You tell the Universe your expectations, based on your beliefs and perceptions, and the Universe merely executes your commands. I am sure it hurts when you tell it to hurt you, but it is long-suffering and patient. I think the Universe hopes that someday you will stop telling it to hurt you and start giving it instructions to bless you, and it is literally bursting at the seams with goodness for you! But it can’t give you any of that until you command it to. Until you give it your instructions and permission.

Flowers don’t pay taxes for sunlight, oxygen and water. You will find them growing even in multi-billion dollar corporations. Nobody can or ever will charge them for the space they take up. And as long as they have the environmental support they need, they will bloom and emanate their scent for all to enjoy. They do this freely. They are given the gift of life, and all that is needed to make a flower happy, and flowers turn around and give that right back to anyone and anything around them.

One of my assumptions about life is that it sucks. That it is hard. That it is a struggle. That the Universe doesn’t care. When I was a Christian I often felt God didn’t care. Different words, same thing. But it is impossible that the Universe doesn’t care, that it doesn’t hear me, that it doesn’t even listen. Because the life I am currently experiencing is proof that it has heard me loud and clear! I dug a hole, filled it with shit, and dove in. Then I started complaining it wasn’t a hot springs. It wasn’t a nice house with my own hot tub. That there was nobody to share my shit pit with. Who would want to dive in here with me? What woman in her right mind would want to live with a beat up, 46-year old man who still lives with his parents, who doesn’t have a job and little interest in getting one, and who doesn’t really know how to stand on his own two feet?

But look how derogatory and negative I am being towards myself! The fact that I can say this shit about myself proves, beyond any shadow of a doubt, the internal monologue that has been going on. That I am still listening to the whispering voice that only tears me down. So what if I am 46? Beat up? Unemployed? Living with my parents? None of that really matters. Or rather, any value that gives or takes away from me only exists in human perception. It doesn’t take away from my innate value at all.

I am still worthy of love, I am still deserving of being loved. Even if I choose to stay in this shit pit, I deserve to be happy, and to share it with someone. Nobody can take that right away from me. It is the inherent right of every living being on this planet to be happy in whatever way is natural for them. And the Universe wants all beings in all Creation to be happy. It is infinitely abundant, and has enough for all!

I am slowly, very slowly, coming to understand that I am perfect as I am. That there is nothing broken in me. That I am not lacking in any way. There is nothing that needs to be adjusted or fixed. I am still struggling with believing that life is good, or the Universe cares about me. I am not sure how I will come to believe, feel and KNOW these things.

But I do know I want out of this shit pit. That I do want to find a way to stand on my own, some way in which I can serve and be recompensed with abundant amounts of money. And I know I want to meet someone to share my life with. In other words, I know where I want to go, but I am not sure how I will get there. However I am trying to convince myself that I will get there. That I will find my way and arrive at my destination in a timely manner. Like by the end of this year, for example.

Let that be my New Years Resolution, one that I intend to keep. One that I will keep. By the end of the year, I will be in the experience of a life I actually want to live! I will be in the experience of an amazing life, with a bright future and desirable present. I am planting my flag right here. Let it be so!


11-28-2021 – Is My Belief That I Need To Be Fixed Perpetuating Things That Make Me See Myself As Broken?

WOW! That is a LONG title! It comes after reading a few chapters at the end of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money.” Some of the things he is writing there helped me get a glimpse of something potentially life-altering.

Of course we have all heard how our true natures are love, or perfect, or some variation on this theme. I gather that I need to see myself as I really am in order for me to figure out how to define or label it.

The question I am asking myself is, if the key to accessing this is to let go of any desire or need I have to fix myself, in other words, if my perception that I am broken is blocking me from accessing my true nature, and in order to see myself as I really am I have to let go of the fixing, then, could it be that belief that I am broken, not enough, stuck etc. actually be creating those experiences in my life I define as negative?

I know this is not very clear and poorly written. Bear with me. Could it be that I am not broken? That, in fact, any such concept as me being broken, not enough, stuck, etc. is actually an illusion? I mean it is not who I really am, right? It is not my true nature? If it is an illusion, it is not real, meaning that the truth is I am not, never have been, and never will be broken, not enough, stuck, etc.

So in this quest I have undergone this last decade or so to fix myself and to address my internal issues I am essentially Don Quixote, chasing after windmills. The reality is there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing that needs to be fixed. There is no rut that I am stuck in. The self-sabotage and restless sleep, among other issues, that I have been experiencing are in fact symptoms caused by my belief in and ownership of them.

Could it really be as simple as letting go of this compulsion, this drive, to fix myself? And what would that mean for this blog? Mainly I have been using this as a place to share what I have learned. But if I already am everything I could ever be, do or have, and it is just a question of allowing it into my experience, of letting go of all opposing beliefs, what would be left to learn?

Maybe the desire to fix myself comes from the belief that I am not enough. Maybe it goes deeper, to some fear. Maybe I will finally be able to love and accept myself, to see myself as good enough, once I have let go of the belief, the idea, that there is anything broken in me, anything I need to fix, anything missing in me, or any way in which I could be coming up short. Maybe the actual solution is to stop chasing after things I need to address or change or fix.

I might have more to say on this later. Gonna sleep on it for now.

Desire, Passion and the Gray Cell

So this post ties in with my previous post. I wanted to talk about what Napoleon Hill means when he says you have to know what you want. What Wallace Wattles is talking about when he writes of a strong desire. Or what is meant by having or holding an image in mind. Here, in as down-to-earth terms as I can write it, is my understanding of this.

Have you ever tried to learn to play the guitar? Steel string, acoustic guitar. If you haven’t, let me tell you what I don’t think many of the books mention. You have to cut your fingernails down to nothing, and keep them trimmed. If you have large fingers, or inflexible fingers, you have to position and hold them powerfully in place in uncomfortable ways. You will likely bleed if you are not used to hard work, and have tender skin on your hands. You will develop calluses, but it takes a LONG, long time, and then you will have these strange, unfamiliar rough bumps at the end of your fingers. So how does anyone learn to play the guitar?

Simple… They love the guitar so much, that their passion for the instrument makes them pick it up whenever they can and practice. I had a friend who lived with my family for a while, and I would often see him just reach over and pick up his guitar, to hold it and finger it, as you would if you were to play. But he was just practicing finger positions. It was an almost unconscious gesture, and urge like you would have to pick up the hand of your lover whenever you are walking together. You have to have AT LEAST as much interest, obsession and passion for the guitar to get you through learning it.

But if you really, REALLY love the guitar, if you see yourself as a guitarist, as the next Mark Knopfler or Jimmi Hendrix, well that desire is even stronger. You go to sleep dreaming of your guitar, or songs, or fingering on the fretboard. You wake up and write out a song, or grab your guitar to finger it. You go to work, and even if you work a 10 hour day and are dead on your feet, the INSTANT you get home and see your guitar waiting for you on its stand in the corner, you are almost pulled there. If you get to this level of passion, you will master the instrument, and this is the first step towards being an innovator with it. If there are any guitarists here who will pitch in, please do.

This is what “having a strong desire” means. It is something you carry with you, living rent-free in your mind, always there at the edge of your awareness. You are always thinking about it, whatever it is. Could be playing guitar, singing, dancing, painting, writing – anything creative. You are already ahead of the game, because you already know what you want to do.

However in order for you to know what you want to do you have to be aware of it. This is what “knowing what you want” means. This awareness could have come to you in childhood, when a fireman pulled you from the blaze. You knew from that moment on you would be a firefighter. Even if you were just a scrawny kid, you would try to bulk up. You would get beat up at football. You would never stop trying to become a firefighter until you first put on your uniform and slung an oxygen tank over your shoulder.

Others discover what they want to do later in life. There are no time limits – NONE. If you want to learn how to dance ballet, and you are 90, if you can still walk, move and bend reasonably well, you can learn ballet. And if you want to learn ballet, you won’t let anyone tell you no. You will simply move on until you find someone who says yes. Stephen King did this with rejection notices until he was published. Anyone remember the movie 8-Mile?

Now its been a long time since I saw this movie, but if memory serves we have this scrawny white kid, in MICHIGAN, who is passionate about Hip Hop. He wants to rap. He wants to be an MC. He wants this at a time when only black guys were really doing it. And Michigan for crying out loud! I am assuming it is NOT The Hip Hop capitol of the world. But Marshal Mathers is undeterred, and if you ever get a chance to listen to Kamikaze, there is some real skill and talent on display there.

So substitute, “Knowing what you want” with “Becoming aware of what you want.” I think awareness is the key here. That leads to acknowledgement of the desire, but then you have to move to the next step and allow yourself to pursue it. You have to accept and embrace your desire, no matter how silly it seems, no matter how many people tell you its stupid or wrong or just tell you no. No matter how many times you are rejected and kicked to the ground, you have to get back up again. Your love for this thing that you want has to be strong enough to get you through that, and through all the practice you need to get to the level you want to reach.

Which brings us to a question… What do you do if you don’t have anything you want to do with that much energy, fire or passion? How do you move from simply wanting to do something to wanting it so badly you are pursuing it? You are broke, in the projects, and you want to learn to play the guitar. How do you move from, “I would like to learn to play the guitar” to “I don’t know how I am going to get one. I will steal one if I have to. But I will learn to play the guitar!” NOT that I encourage stealing, I use this as an example of how strong this has to be.

If you can’t think of a single thing that you feel compelled and drawn to, then I am right there with you, in the exact same boat. The closest I ever got was when I went to Clark College. The person in charge of the music hall – can’t recall the exact building name – but the place where music was taught and where the practice rooms were located – they let me, and any Clark College student, come in and practice, whether or not they were a music student, as long as a room was free. I came in and started to learn piano. I really came to enjoy this time. Even when I was tired between classes and my work study job, even when it was late, if I could get some time in there I did. I miss that. But I don’t think it was enough desire to drive me to learn the piano no matter what.

I can’t think of anything I wanted to be when I was a kid, and if I did have anything, I probably smothered and killed the desire. Murdered it by ignoring it and never acting on it. I suspect at one time I wanted to be a singer. I do remember singing to the radio, and I have a deep love for music. In fact when I was living in the RV with my parents my only private space was sitting there, on the sofa, earbuds in place, listening to music. It is how I relieve the pressure of anger. It allows me to cry, something that has become increasingly hard for me to do.

A life without a passionate desire for something is like living in a dingy gray cell, gray clouds outside – no birds, no sunshine, no joy. And as you locked yourself in there, only you can free yourself! That is probably the most accurate description of my life I can give. The only bright spot in it is the content I make for YouTube. That’s it. And I have realized I may have to set it aside and get a steady job, because it is time I get out on my own. I am not sure my YouTube creative work will survive that.

Worse for me is that I have a penchant for writing, but no desire or passion for it. How the fuck do you iron out that wrinkle? How can you be good at something and not want to do it at the same time? I dunno. I have no answers. But hopefully what I have written here will clarify things for you. If you are locked in your own dingy gray cell, the way out is to acknowledge and accept whatever it is that you want to do passionately enough that it will compel you, even drive you to practice it. If you have that you have a way out, and I am happy for you.

Please get out of your cell and make your art. Do whatever it is that is calling to you. The worlds needs you, it really does. Sometimes only stumbling on the creative result of someone else’s passion do we find our own. Hell I didn’t know I had any interest in dancing until I saw some of the Step Up movies! Now I wish I would meet some pretty dancer girl, learn some moves, maybe fall in love. That’s all you’re allowed in the Gray Cell. Dreams. Nothing real, nothing substantial.

Break out. And if you can find a way to break me out, please do.

How Do You Cultivate Desire?

So I am using the word cultivate here with the idea that this means to not only plant, fertilize and water the seed, but that one must also pull out weeds, dig out roots and break up the ground. To my mind this is the entire process of cultivation – the preparation for the area in which you will plant what you wish to cultivate, and the tending of it when you have planted it.

I am currently reading a very old book, older I think than even Napoleon Hill’s, “Think and Grow Rich.” This book is Wallace D. Wattles, “The Science of Getting Rich.” I have committed myself to this text, to studying it, believing it and applying it. Today I read something that troubled me. Wallace Wattles says, and I quote, “It is the things you do not really care about which require effort to fix your attention upon them.”

Mr. Wattles teaches that there is this stuff that is in and between everything, and in order to get something you want, you impress its image upon this stuff. In more modern language I would call this stuff energy. There is the energy itself, and the things in our world of which this energy has taken form. Instead of the phrase, “get what you want” I would probably use a word like Manifestation. But I have to say I like the down to earth way Mr. Wattles writes things.

In any case, in what I have referred to as ,”Manifestation Teachings” the process remains the same. There is something you want. You focus on it in your mind’s eye, seeing it as detailed as possible. Then you claim it, see it as already yours. You essentially detach from everything around you that shows you differently, as far as you are concerned it is already there.

To make this clearer… If you are living in a tiny, overpriced apartment and you want a nice 2 bedroom house in the country, even as you come home to your cramped apartment everyday, even as you wake up in it every day, you are thinking about this 2 bedroom house in the country. How it is laid out, what furniture you will put in each room. If you can throw in smells from your favorite flowers planted in a bed outside the front door you do that. You hear the birds singing. The more real you can visualize it, these teachings tell you the quicker this will come to you.

But what they have not mentioned, to my knowledge, is that if it requires a lot of effort to visualize this 2 bedroom house in the country, if you have to do as Napoleon Hill instructs and visualize it every day on rising and before you go to bed, well then you don’t really want it. You have an internal conflict, and until this is resolved, you will never manifest what you want.

That was one thing that threw me off in Mr. Hill’s teachings. I know from personal experience that trying to force something through, to make it happen, is actually working against the Universe. There is an effortless flow, and only when you are in that flow (you will know when you are) do things fall together, always for the best for all parties involved, always far better than you could have ever imagined. Trying to make it happen only keeps it from happening.

That does not mean there is no work to be done. Only that the work will also be a part of that effortless flow. When you are are WORKING at TRYING to manifest something, you will likely not get it, or it will be far less than you wanted. When you are WORKING TOWARDS manifesting something, just doing whatever work comes at you in the natural flow of the process, then you will get it, and likely it will be far better or more than you wanted. Usually it will show up in an unexpected way.

That is my understanding of the process. But I have not been able to get it to work for me. Now with what Mr. Wattles is teaching, I think I know why. It is really as simple as I don’t want it as much as I think I do, or think I should. This also leads me to seeing that there can be opposing desires.

For example I want to have my own house, but typically I tend to call it my own space. At the same time I do not want to be alone. I remember that year I had my own apartment and I was miserable. I am either afraid of being alone or simply strongly desire to not be alone. This is what makes it so hard for me to manifest my own house. In fact, when I have attempted to do this, I was always thinking somewhere in the back of my mind of having my parents in their own house close by.

Ultimately this means I do not really want my own house, not if I will be alone in it. But I have to stand on my own two feet, live my own life, and let my parents live theirs. Also, the best way I could ever help them (if I really wanted to help them and I think I do) is to be independent of them, supporting myself. If I have enough income and money that I could buy my own house, that means I would be better able to take care of them.

So now I come to an impasse… I feel I need to stand on my own. At some level I really do want my own house, where I could live as I please, maybe start a family. But I do not want to be alone, out of fear or just not wanting it I do not know. Here then is my question… How do I release my feelings of not wanting to be alone, or even being afraid of being alone? How do I let that go? Also, how do I want my own house so strongly that it is effortless for me to dwell on it, imagine myself living there, visualize every detail? In other words, how do I strengthen my desire for independence and having my own house?

If you have any thoughts on this, please comment below. I do appreciate your feedback. Hoping to find a solution here. Also hoping these words help you. If you have been trying, and failing, to get something you want, ask yourself if you really want it that badly, and if there are any conflicting desires getting between you and it.

The Sad Truth About Art

Apparently there seems this ideal, prevalent among artists, of some space or time where they could safely pursue their creativity. Melville called, “The Calm” or something like that. Well there is a problem with this, that I shall demonstrate simply with these words, “With no sand, the oyster makes no pearl.

According to my understanding, a pearl is made inside an oyster when a grain of sand gets in, causing the pearl to secrete a substance around it, which over time (I have no idea how long) becomes a pearl. I assume the more time it spends in the oyster, and the older the oyster gets, the more beautiful the pearl.

There is one rule relevant to the artist, and I advise you write this down: “Art does not exist in a vacuum.” In other words, the irritants in the world and, more specifically, in your life, are those things that, when worked over and smoothed through art, become the masterpieces all artists secretly long to create.

Also there is no perfect way, technology currently notwithstanding, to draw from your head the exact, beautiful ideal you have in your mind. All you can do is tease it out as best you can, and you have to try, or it will come to life, take a few breaths, then die right there inside your noggin’.

So toss out both of these foolish ideals. There is no artist’s heaven in our sometimes heavily censored and materialistic modern society. Even though wonderful things like Netflix and YouTube exist because of artists, how the world works is generally without acknowledgement or appreciation of our work. Why do you think you encounter so many wonderful musicians along the sidewalks, standing or sitting as they preform with an opened instrument case or upturned hat close by?

So stop looking for that perfect space in which to create – even if you were to find it no creativity would be possible inside it. Likewise quit seeking to support yourself with your creativity. It is antithetical to all muses to be the provider in the relationship. That, unfortunately, is your job! But be thankful, because your annoying boss or coworker are just more grist for the mill. Turn everything you dislike or outright hate into a beautiful pearl!

I am not just writing this advise for you. I am writing it for myself also. I have struggled with writing, specifically having no interest in being a “professional writer”, despite my gifted understanding and use of the English language. In other words, I am a Poet and a Writer, but I would rather play video games and make content for YouTube.

Also I hate the “daily grind”, even the idea of it, even more passionately than most. But it has become clear to me that it is time to embrace this unwanted part of myself, and in order to pursue writing in any form, I will have to find a way to earn some money to clothe and feed myself. That is just how it is. I can wish all I want that it would be different or easier. But, as they say, “It Is What It Is.

Embrace the irritants, the negativity and the struggle. Acknowledge it, come to terms with it, make peace with it, accept it. Don’t try to spit the particle of sand out, or you will never make a beautiful pearl! Work it in your mind, secrete your secret desires and longings around it. Express yourself in whatever creative medium that most draws you. Create and transform all your undesirable experiences or situations into beautiful works of art. You can do it, I know you can.

Believe in yourself.

The Biggest and Hardest Realization Yet

OK folks, this post is gonna be rough. For me, as I am barely able to concentrate, focus or think. Experiencing coughing and light-headedness. For you as the subject will likely be just as hard for you to work through as it has been and still is for me.

To start, get you a copy of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money”

I found this book on the shelf at my local library. Chances are yours will have it too. It is well worth the read. Now I am going to paraphrase a lot here, but essentially I cracked this open, began to read, put it down, and just last night picked it up again. I came face-to-face with Mr. Cease instructing me to imagine myself in a situation with no support, no money, everything I have gone. I realized a couple of things after reading these few pages (34-39).

I am EXTREMELY and SERIOUSLY attached to abundance, to acquiring it and attaining it, especially in the form of money. I am also EXTREMELY and POWERFULLY averse to experiencing any kind of reality without this, to the point that I would rather be dead than continue to live as I have. I have often said that I NEED or WANT a, “life worth living” or I would rather be dead. I don’t feel that my current life is one I want to continue to live. But it is all based on or built around having abundance, which I see primarily as money.

Somehow, despite going through Susan Jeffers, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” and a variety of Buddhist teachings of, “No Attachment, No Aversion”, learning to feel what I feel then release it and let it go, learning to not be attached to outcomes and do my best to embrace everything fully, DESPITE ALL THIS I realized last night that I was attached to money and averse to not having it. End of story. This pattern, or belief, or whatever the hell it is has been operating there, outside my awareness, all this time, through all these experiences and things I have learned. I was blind to it. I see it now. I am staring right at the little fucker!

Somehow a number of things have become twisted in me, to where if i had the experience again I had when I went to California, only this time sans everything including support – just having the clothes on my back – that is the worst fate I could imagine for myself. Being homeless. Searching for doorways to sleep under or benches to sleep on. That to me is a fate worse than death. In fact, in my mind, death would be preferable.

But why would such a fate be necessary, or even possible? I have been told again and again, through dozens of different teachers, from all corners of philosophy, religion and spirituality, that the Universe by nature is abundant. All are provided for, they have only to open and receive that abundance. No bird lacks a place to build their nest! In fact, a state of not having one’s needs met is artificial, man-created. It is man that has created any sort of wealth hierarchy, and the idea of wealth to boot. Money is a man-made invention, as is the society in which it is used. Birds do not pay rent! In other words, the natural state of all life forms in the Universe is abundance. Scarcity is an invention.

I know this, intellectually, and I have even experienced it a little first-hand. Yet I forgot this. Just let it slip my mind. I do not know when this attachment to money, and aversion to not having it, first took root in me. I look back, and I see myself standing outside the little community church I used to attend with my parents. I was hanging out with Andrew and Tim – friends of mine. I was in my teens. The brothers could get a little rough, my shirt was pulled or something, and I got super angry. I can trace the roots back at least that far. No reason for a young man to be obsessed with clothing unless he is afraid of scarcity, and below that, attached to money and averse to not having it at some level.

However far back it goes – likely adopted from my parents – it is time to free myself of it now. I see clearly that it has even infected my work at YouTube. I have been obsessed with likes, views and subscriptions. Why? So I could monetize my channel. But the energy folks – the energy is what it is all about. No matter how scientifically minded you might be, to where this idea of energy seems like some New Age pseudo-science garbage, it doesn’t change the fact that the energy we put into something has a definite affect on the outcome we experience when we share it.

In simple terms, I put up these videos with an desperate, grasping, greedy energy of trying to get likes, subscriptions and views. That energy is the opposite of, and therefore repels, any abundant, loving and supportive energy. To make it even simpler… The energy I have put into the videos I have uploaded so far is the opposite of the things I want from from these videos. It in fact pushes away the things I was hoping to get, that I want or even feel I need, from these videos.

You want scientific proof? I can give it to you. Bdubs, Grian – any and every currently and still successful YouTuber have one thing in common. Go back to when they first uploaded content. There was never a mention of becoming a YouTube star. No constant attempts to get likes, subscriptions and views. All of them – EVERY SINGLE ONE – are just enjoying themselves and sharing that with the world. I don’t think you could find a single exception. I have been watching these guys for weeks now, how they started out, trying to figure out what the secret is, and it has been staring me in the face the whole time. Until last night I was incapable of seeing it.

What I have learned is that if I want to become a successful YouTuber I have to stop trying to become a successful YouTuber. I have to stop creating content with the energy of, “I want” behind it. I know if I were to try to cook something with that same energy it would be nowhere near as good as when I cook things JUST FOR THE LOVE OF COOKING, AND SHARING IT WITH LOVED ONES! The energy you put into a thing affects its outcome. You can call that a Universal Law.

If I want to be successful at YouTube, I have to let that go, first thing, as well as my attachment to money and aversion to not having it. Then I just need to record videos for the joy of it, the pleasure I get from that, or editing them, or both, and the desire to share what I am enjoying with others. Any other motivation is guaranteed to fail. That’s just the way it is.

The content you enjoy online the most is stuff the folks are doing because they enjoy it, they love it, and they just want to share their enjoyment of it and love for it with you. If you can find any examples that prove me wrong comment below with a link. But I think I am seeing it clearly.

This even ties in with flow VS force, another thing I have learned intellectually and actually experienced. I have been using too much force trying to make things happen in my life that I want. Affirmations to reprogram me for abundance. Creating content for YouTube in the hopes of striking it big. I am sure I have encountered resistance, and instead of allowing myself to be aware of it I pushed through. I can’t even clearly see any instances of it now. But if I were to think about it, I am sure I would find some.

Off the top of my head, the fact I struggled so hard to edit a video last week. It was just really hard, and I am fairly certain that this was resistance. Had I been aware and in the right mindset I would have stopped and addressed it. It wasn’t flowing for me to edit that video. It goes behind creative resistance that may come in the form of Writer’s Block. Or maybe that is what Writer’s Block really is. It is a warning sign that you are trying to push through when you need to stop, course correct, and find another route. I will have to think on this.

The question is can I apply, and keep applying, what I have learned here, all I have realized, and change the energy with which I have been creating content for YouTube, and to a greater extent, with which I have been living my life? The energy I have been applying to my experience of life as a whole? Because until I change it, my experience of life will not change, and I will continue to fail at YouTube, or any creative endeavor for that matter.

I leave this post as a record and a reminder. I have work to do…

Why Is That Undesired, Unwanted Thing In My Life?

So I have taken it upon myself to help care for my parent’s 15+ year old dog. She drools, she has bad breath, she has mommy issues and separation anxiety, and she has little if any control over her bowels. Oh and she can’t really walk too well. The simple solution is to put her down right? Ever heard of parents wanting to put down their sickly human child? No? Well some parents have “fur babies”, and Amy, (Stinkerbell as I call her), is both my mom and dad’s fur baby. They have discussed putting her down, but it is more likely we are stuck dealing with her literal shit until she finally dies. Shouldn’t be long now, God willing!

I get angry and frustrated with Amy. Why? There is a root in fear somewhere – maybe that taking care of her means I will have less time to do the things I want to do? I don’t know if I ever wrote about that, but anytime you are feeling anger or frustration there is a fear of some need or other not being met at the heart of it. Anyhow, I realized something as I was helping Amy up for the umpteenth time (I am so tired of staring at doggy ass!) Amy is a symptom of some sort of cause in my life. In other words, even if I were to kill her, or she were to die, or my parents were to put her down, she would simply be replaced by something else. Amy is a physical representation of some sort of symptom of some sort of cause that I have to address in my life. In other words, I created this experience for myself, and Amy is just playing the role I have assigned her, at some level outside my conscious awareness. So if I want to be free of Amy, I have to free myself from whatever it is she represents – whatever cause she is a symptom of.

As I thought about this, I realized that EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING in my life that I don’t want – every experience, interaction, etc is all drama I have created for myself. The people, doggies, mosquitoes or anything else – even issues with my computer or all this crap I have to do for my mom on her computer – IT IS ALL SIMPLY PLAYING THE ROLE I HAVE ASSIGNED IT. This isn’t a decision made with conscious awareness obviously. It comes of old beliefs, feelings, ideas, perspectives and so forth that have become habitual and are running on auto-pilot in the background. What I need is a Task Manager that can trace back each process to its cause so I can terminate it. But as that does not exist (at least as far as I know) all I can do is practice placing my awareness on my anger, my frustration or any other negative feeling or form of resistance I may be feeling. Only in awareness can these old habits be noticed and then broken.

So… What form is Amy taking in your life? What is it you are going through that you want to be free of? What experiences are you having that you do not want, or outright hate? Ask yourself what beliefs, feelings or perspectives you may have habitually had that has manifested this in your life. Start placing your awareness on any negative feelings or resistance that may come up when you are dealing with your Amy. I gotta do the same. Because I am loosing patience, and the one thing all our elders need is our patience. How could we care for them otherwise?