The Problem with Suicide

This is a subject that has been on my mind for some time now. I meant to come in here and write a post, but kept putting it off. I would like to say it is because I am too busy or something, and while that may be true, I am not sure I can honestly say that is the reason. Also I may have talked about this subject before. This post represents my current perspectives on it.

In our modern society, with the possible exceptions within certain cultures, suicide is looked on as something abhorrent. We don’t want to talk about it. We don’t want to support others in their choice of life termination. If you were to Google for a painless way to kill yourself, for some plant or something you could take so it wouldn’t hurt so much, you will find next to nothing.

That’s the other side of this whole thing. We want those who would choose to kill themselves to suffer. The Christian religion teaches that such people will go to hell. If someone came up to any medical professional and stated they wanted to kill themselves, and they wanted help, they would be locked away for an “overnight observation.” We simply can not fathom that anyone would want to do this. We can not accept it either.

If someone we know has killed themselves, we would be hard pressed not to feel affronted, hurt or offended by their actions. I have seen this issue from many different angles. From a friend who had a friend commit suicide, and how he (at that time he was a he) would not tolerate my then thoughts of killing myself. Giving me a guilt trip of how he had already gone through this. Then later I had someone I once called a friend kill herself.

Yes, initially I hurt. Why didn’t she talk to me about it? How could she, she was so happy with this young man she met online – he took her around the world. Then anger at her for doing such a stupid thing. But unlike my former male, former friend, I have come to accept what she did. I have come to see that it is indeed her choice, her right. I still wish I could have done something to help, so she wouldn’t have had to come to such a decision.

But now, if I had a friend come to me and say they were going to kill themselves, I know I would support them. Of course I would try to help them change their mind. I would do all I could without risking our friendship to get them to be absolutely certain about what they wanted to do. But if, after I had done all I could as their friend to help them reconsider their chosen course of action, they were still set in their course, I would assist them, help them, support them all I could.

Because you can’t honestly be a true friend to someone if you can’t respect their choices, if there is any limit in how far you will go for them. In this sense I have not been a true friend to my formerly-male friend. I was, and still am, unable to support them in their choice of gender change. So I speak only of ideals here, how I would prefer to be. The reality may be much different. We are all works in progress.

I have come to see that suicide is not a sin. It is not bad or wrong. If indeed we have reincarnated to these lives we now lead, and have chosen the initial circumstances and situations of our entry into this world, and if indeed this life is really a classroom where souls come to learn lessons they assign themselves, then suicide is just skipping class. Maybe we were not able to handle the lessons we were learning. I could no more judge a person for killing themselves than I would criticize a child for not going to school.

We expend far too much effort trying to control each other in a pointless, stupid attempt to find happiness in external circumstances. “If only she would do this…” “If only he would do that…” “If only they would do this…” “If only I could have that…” then I would be happy, then the world would be a better place, etc. Ridiculous! The world is perfect as it is, and each person is perfect as they are! There are no mistakes here, and no right or wrong, bad or good from all viewpoints outside the physical.

Still there is a problem with self-termination that I think it may be some help pointing out. Suicide is a very strong focus on what is not wanted. Think about that for a minute. Why do people kill themselves, or each other for that matter? Because there is something they don’t want. I know this to be true because the friend who killed herself did so because there was something she was experiencing she did not want to experience any longer. Her beliefs, her faith and religion, led her to believe that what she was experiencing was somehow evil, and this, so I was told, was why she killed herself. She has become one more victim, one of the millions since the start of recorded human history, to religious indoctrination.

It was the opposite for me. I did not kill myself, though I considered it many times, out of fear of going to hell. I had the same faith as my friend who killed herself. I don’t know how her fear of hell became less strong than her fear of what she was experiencing. I can only imagine the internal stresses that were likely going on inside her. It is one more reason why I want nothing to do with any religion. The last thing I need in my life are any beliefs that bring me fear, do not support me and try to control my behavior.

If my behavior were meant to be controlled, I would have been born with a remote! My parents could just press the Off button to send me to bed, and the On button to wake me up again. The Volume buttons to increase or decrease my volume. Change the channel if they didn’t like a particular behavior. Yes, I know this sounds silly but it demonstrates a solid point. We are born without a remote precisely because we are not meant to be controlled. We are human beings, not robots!

This is a classroom in the truest sense. There is nobody trying to steer us in any particular direction. We choose our own courses of action. We learn in the process of doing so. This is why we came here in the first place. Even the act of suicide teaches the non-physical aspect of us a lesson.

I don’t think suicide is a necessary course of action for anyone to pursue. Maybe some come into this world to experience it. But the majority of those considering suicide are too strongly focused on things they do not want, eventually driving them to do it. If they could focus as strongly on the opposite of whatever is driving them, maybe they could manifest whatever it is they want into the experience of their lives.

I know that for me I can no longer entertain the thought of suicide, even though I could certainly justify it, because when I am in that particular mindset I am unable to operate properly in the world. What I mean by that is that as long as I am thinking about suicide, I remain in a very dark and negative frame of mind. So it becomes very hard for me to be motivated. To care. I can’t smile or laugh. I can’t experience any happiness of joy. Most importantly of all I can not think about the things I want. The thoughts of suicide are just too big, they take up too much space. You can only be of one mind or the other, and that’s the main issue here.

Sure, it may make things easier, or at least it may seem like it would. And yes, whatever pain we are feeling would cease. But if life really is a classroom, and if our souls are really here in physical form to learn certain lessons, we are just going to keep coming back to the same issue, life after life, until we learn what we need to learn from it. It’s like restarting a race in a video game over and over again. How many times can you restart the race, playing the same section of tack, over and over, until you either quit the game or just let it go and allow yourself to proceed?

I know that may seem just as confining as any religious beliefs attempting to control your behavior. But there is no fear lurking in the background here. You focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want, because you enjoy life and the process of living more while you are focused on the things you want. If you withdraw and focus on what you do not want, living becomes very painful and unbearable. Why cause ourselves unnecessary pain? Aren’t we in enough pain already, to even be here, talking about this?

You are not alone. More than you realize. You are connected to every other being on this planet, this planet herself and even the entire universe. You are connected to the brightest stars in the sky and the darkest black holes. The energy of worlds is running through your physical body.

You are far more powerful than you realize. When you begin to think about the things you want with as much energy, focus, drive and passion as you are now focusing on what you don’t want and your ultimate response of suicide, you will, figuratively and literally, be able to move mountains. There is no limit to your power and the things you can do other than what you have set, or allow others to set for you.

So take all this energy you now have directed towards killing yourself, and put it on freeing yourself instead. Refuse to settle for anything less than the life you want to live, and then go out and live it. This is the very same process that I am learning, even now as I write this. May things be far easier for you!

You are also not alone in feeling alone. Feeling like you do not fit. That there is no place in this world for you. The simple truth is that if you shouldn’t be here, you wouldn’t be. The very fact that you are here means that you belong here and there is a place in this world for you.

Maybe you can’t get there in your mind yet. That’s OK. Just know that I know how you feel. I truly do – I am not just saying that. A few days ago I felt it so keenly. I feel like an alien. I see couples walking together, I watch people operating in the world, and I just don’t understand. I feel like there is some training I missed somewhere. I feel like everyone else knows how to be in the world except me. For me, everything feels so much harder, almost unnatural. I struggle. I want to say hi to other people, I want to make guy and gal friends. I want to have a girlfriend. But I am stymied by the whole process.

When I went to Sakura-Con, where people more like me were wandering around in the hundreds, I still felt completely alone, alien, like I did not fit in. I still feel even now that if I was normal, if I was like everyone else, I would have at the very least made some friends and possibly even gotten laid. Anime loves, video game lovers, geeks – these are the people to whom I most relate. And yet I still felt somehow different, separate – like I didn’t fit in, and my experiences at the Con reflected these feelings.

So I am not just another person talking out of my ass while I have a beautiful woman hanging off my arm, a couple of children, a nice house and all the other things we associate with someone who belongs, who fits into the world. No, I am writing this alone, living in an RV with my parents, soon to graduate next year, having made far too few friends during my year at college, and not having any idea what the hell I am going to do after I graduate and where the hell I am going to go. And I am far, far too old to be having these feelings. Everyone else my age, almost without exception, has a family and a place where they belong… A house, a home.

So when I say I understand, you damn well better believe I do! More than you can ever possibly know. And when I say that the way out is through, not quitting, not throwing up the white flag, you better damn well believe it is! I can speak with authority because I speak from my own experience. I have tried living with thoughts of suicide. I have tried keeping thoughts of killing myself in the back of my mind, on the back burner as it were, a possible escape hatch to get me the hell outta here if things didn’t work out. Neither were conductive to my success or any feeling of good.

I at least want to enjoy my life, as much as I can considering my circumstances and situation, and I want to succeed more than fail. I have found the only way I can do that is to drop any thought of killing myself, with no intention of picking it up again. I have not managed to completely release it yet. It is very hard, the sucker holds on very strongly when you are in the shit.

But my energy and focus is now more directed towards what I want to be, do and have. I am releasing myself self-imposed limitations, and things are starting to show up. Little things. But something is better than nothing. I’ll take some progress over none! Only time will tell if pushing through is worth it. Right now I fiercely believe, and will teach, that it is. But I won’t know for sure until I punch through the blackness and come out on the other side.

I will get through this! One of the nice things about it is that while I value life, I like to think that it will be easier to lay mine down if absolutely necessary, ad if no other course of action is available. I like to think I would not be panicking in some sort of situation where I could be killed. I no longer hate my life, but I am certainly not going to be unhappy to be freed from it, especially if I can accomplish anything meaningful in the act of doing so! Truly meaningful, not what the world defines as meaningful. This sort of detachment from any strong desire to live might be useful someday. I take small comfort in that.

For now I just do what I have to do. One step in front of the next. I focus as much as I can on the things I want. I take time to enjoy myself as much as I can. I deny myself few pleasures. And I remember to give thanks for every meal, every good thing that happens. I can even find the beauty in a cold, foggy and rainy fall day like this one. I look out and see how some of the trees appear to be on fire with all their bright autumn colors. I find I can appreciate beauty, whether it is some music I am listening to, some words I am reading or something I see. It keeps me going, keeps my feelings of alienation and loneliness in the background, like so much white noise. If I ever learn a better way of dealing with it, I will do that, and share it here.

No platitudes here in closing. Just simple Spock-logic: If you are thinking about what you do not want, you can not think about what you do want.

So practice thinking about what you do want. Let go of your thoughts of suicide. Try to shift all that energy and focus into what you do want. Refuse to take any less, accept no substitutes! Crusade for what you want and go after that with as much as single-minded purpose as you may have had up to this point towards killing yourself. Just give it a try. See if you can’t take life by the balls, make it squeal and give you what you want.

If you have tried everything, exhausted every option, and you still just want to end it and get the hell out of here, well, please accept this virtual hug from me first, then proceed with my blessing and full support.

You are not a failure – you did not fail, and you have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. If your loved ones can’t accept your chosen course of action that’s on them. You have let others push you around long enough. if your loved ones can not support you in this, then their love is conditional, which means it is not absolute or true.

Bear no grudges! Forgive them, love them, release as much as you can as you leave. Take as little from this world as possible. Know that you are loved (you are, in fact, love) and someday, when you face these challenges again, you will make it through them. I believe in you, no matter what.

For all of us that choose to remain, keep on fighting! Believe you will get through this (we will all get through this) know it, claim it as truth.

Now turn up those speakers!


The Nature of Energy

I am writing this, and anything I write after this, after having been a part of an Ayahuasca Ceremony. I mention it only so that I give the medicine proper credit for the subtle changes and work it is doing in me. I may refer to it as Aya or Mother Aya or Grandmother Aya or simply the medicine. It is meant to honor the energy that is a part of the Ayahuasca when you take it into your body. I did not feel this living energy inside the medicine. I simply accept and believe and trust and have faith that there is a such an energy or spirit in the medicine.

The insights that I received, or that occurred to me, that I want to share today have to do with energy. I will speak as if I am stating fact, as one with authority on the subject. I am not. I am stating what I feel to be the truth, and I leave it to you to compare this material with your own experience or question it as needed.

Much of what I am about to say is based on the teachings I have gathered from others.  Much of what I am about to say does not come from my own experience. All of this is based on whatever I have experienced for myself and what feels right to me. All of it has the ring of truth for me. Let us begin…

The natural state of energy is movement. When you use the finest instruments of science and look down into any physical matter, eventually you come to a place of vibration and space. I have not seen or verified this for myself. But I am certain it is true.

All dis-ease experienced in the physical body is coming from energy that is not moving. You could say blocked or stagnated. I don’t think stagnated is the right word – this energy is perfect an can not be corrupted. To say it is blocked may be confusing as well, because how can energy be blocked by energy?

All energy is controlled and directed by thought, which is controlled and directed by feelings. So if energy has been blocked, it is because of a feeling that is causing a thought to block the natural free flowing state of energy. The main thing to take away here is that in order to be healthy, in order for all physical matter to remain in a healthy state, the energy in that matter must flow freely.

Abraham teaches that in order to manifest the things you want into your life you must point downstream. In other words, you must flow. I practice something I think of as moving with the natural flow of my life. “Going with the flow.” This is not a drifting aimlessly. This is a reflection of the natural state of the energy that is inside of and a part of me.

We must allow the energy to flow through us even as we flow in the natural current of our lives. It is this free-flowing state which brings us all those experiences and things we most desire, even if we are not aware of it. It feels right, good, free and even feel joyful.

All blocks are caused by resistance. All resistance impedes flow. This is why when you try too hard to make something happen it never works out the way you want, or even if it does you are not enjoying the experience. Only when you are in a natural state of flow can you experience joy and fully enjoy the experiences and things you draw to you.

That is why if you draw a house to yourself outside your natural state of flow, you can not and will not fully enjoy it. The same holds true for any experience, relationship or thing that you draw to yourself outside of your natural state of flow.

To experience full physical health (which you will in your natural state of flow) your feelings must not be those that direct your thoughts to block the free flow of energy through your body and life. In other words, you can not retain any emotion that would typically be labeled as negative. Anger, fear, resentment, bitterness, jealousy, etc. Also there can be no resistance to natural physical ways of expelling energy such as through masturbation. I will have more to say on this later.

Through our religions humanity has been raised to believe that nobody is perfect. This is a lie. Every person that has existed, currently exists or will exist is born perfect. But as the person ages that perfection is forgotten. Before long every person comes to believe that they are not perfect, and furthermore, they should not try to be.

When you examine this closely you can see why the long-held belief that nobody is perfect is a lie. Everything in this world, our world itself and the universe is energy. Everything, without exception. It is not much of a jump to see that if energy is perfect, incorruptible, then the closer we reflect the natural free-flowing state of energy in ourselves and in our own lives, the closer we are to our original-born state of perfection.

OK, I will return to this later… Been a very long day and I am experiencing exhaustion.

How Do You See Yourself?

I recently purchased a book entitled, “Thoughts Are Things.” This is the Earnest Holmes version, not the Prentice Mulford version I was after. The first page of the text after the introduction was all about how a person sees themselves. I realized that I have not been seeing myself in a very good way. I had been seeing myself as suffering from allergic reactions instead of being healthy, poor instead of rich, lonely instead of surrounded by friends, directionless and uncertain instead of having confidently set my course, etc.

I came to understand how insidious this issue really is. Using a real-life example, most convicts get released from prison and find themselves going right back to a life of crime. Now I don’t know if this is true, and I don’t know what these ex-convicts are thinking. But I have a feeling, a hunch, that they have bought into the belief that the majority of criminals return to a life of crime. Likely they also believe there is no other way for them to have the life they want. Finally they almost certainly don’t see themselves as free from a life of crime, having the lives they desire, enjoying themselves, being happy.

I would be surprised if I ever met a former criminal who thought that way. But if I did I would no longer be looking at someone with a criminal mentality, which is ultimately a lack and limitation mentality. I would be looking at someone who found a way to live their lives free of crime. Someone who has changed how they thought about not only the world, but also about themselves. That is the key, It is most important.

It will do you absolutely no good to tell yourself the Universe provides and things are going t work out, like I have, if you don’t see yourself as receiving of the abundance of the Universe, if you don’t see things working out in your life. You will perpetuate the undesired, unwanted state you are in, and that is exactly what has happened to me.

You have to have confidence in yourself, you have to believe in yourself, you have to love and accept yourself as you are. If people say things that tear you down, you have to stop buying into what they are saying. It is a control mechanism. These people, no matter how much they profess to love you, no matter how much you believe they mean well, are trying, usually not consciously, to keep you down, keep you unchanged. Your changing threatens them.

My mom did this to me tonight. Two things she said in response to things I had said. She was talking to dad, and I could tell in her tone of voice she was guilt-tripping him. I told him that mom was trying to take him on a guilt trip again. She denied this, asked me, “What’s wrong with you?” and told me that I was judging her. I realized something later. By saying I was judging her, she was actually judging me. And her response to my observation was an attack because I was likely right.

I did not have to say anything when I observed what I did in her tone of voice. And I could be wrong. I claim any responsibility I need to claim in this incident. And ultimately I guess I am glad it happened, because it made it clear to me a number of things that I hadn’t been paying much attention to. I see now how I buy into the belief that there must be something wrong with me. That I am somehow in some way bad, a bad person, even though I know consciously, as I write this, that this is a lie.

It makes it even clearer to me that I have not been seeing or perceiving myself correctly. That I need to believe and know myself to be all the things I want to be. I am sitting here, scared shitless of what to do after graduation, because I have no fucking clue what I will do or where I will go. I am doing that, and hurting myself in the process, instead of seeing myself as knowing exactly what to do, exactly where to go. As confidently having a place to go and a direction to travel.

I am undermining myself. If I do not change how I see myself, if I do not see myself as I want to be, in a way that is beneficial and desirable for me instead of to my detriment, then after I graduate next year I will just repeat some variation of the last time I tried to set out on my own. It doesn’t work – it didn’t then, it can’t work now and it won’t work in the future.

Somehow I have to see myself as I want to be. Having my own place. Supporting myself easily, on my terms. Being a man of affluence as well as a man of letters. Having wonderful, supportive friends. Having a loving woman to share my bed and life with. Having children of my own. Living life on my terms, not working at some job for 40 years until I retire like my dad. Enjoying my life, doing work that I want to do, that I find fulfilling, meaningful and that pays well.

All the affirmations and Creative Workshops in the world will do no good until I can see myself as the man I want to be, instead of the man I am and the man I fear I will become. So learn from my example. Change how you see and perceive yourself first, if your life is not what you would like it to be. Demand better of your life, and see yourself better.

Change how you perceive yourself, stop buying into anything anyone says that does not support you. Keep your eye firmly fixed on your ideal version of yourself, followed by your ideal version of your life. Remember, you have to change how you believe, feel, perceive and see yourself before you can change your life in any way. It starts with you, and moves outward from there.

Woulda Coulda Shoulda – The Solution for Stress

I am directing this at everyone who worries and stresses over what they are worrying about. I am also addressing this to everyone who beats themselves up for either doing something or not doing it. Saying something or not saying it. Going somewhere or not going. Like all Truths, it is incredibly simple, and I have created a saying for this one. Ready?

If I should have done that, I would have done that.

Think about this for a moment. Let it sink it. To rephrase it for worriers:

If it should have happened, it would have happened
If it should not have happened, it would not have happened.

There is nothing in the entire history of mankind that should not have happened, without exception. That includes the Holocaust and any of our many wars. Before you get ready to attack me, let me clarify this… We may not like that it happened, or we may not have wanted it to happen, but the simple fact that these things happens proves that that were meant to happen.

The Universe is not chaotic. Everything happens for a reason. We can not always see the reason beyond our limited human perspective. When we are able to see the reason, when we are able to know and understand, we will. Until then we will not. Everything that has happened to us in our lives, no matter if we perceived it to be good or bead, was meant to happen. Nothing has happened to us, or will happen to us, that is not meant to happen.

This is a major burden we can release. Have any of your worries changed anything for the better? Has any of your condemnation of the bad things that have happened to you, others, humanity, etc., made anything better? Do you feel better for all your worrying and fear? Does it feel good to see something terrible that happened on the news and say out loud, “That’s wrong! That should never have happened!”

Be honest here. It feels clenched, tight, You muscles constrict, your teeth clench, you get into fight or flight mode. You are ready for battle. The problem is that you return to the tense state every time anything happens to you, or you hear about anything that has happened, that you do not like. This is, in a word, stress. It causes high blood pressure, increases the risk of heart attack, causes you to gain weight, etc.

If you can instead see something horrible, or experience something horrible, and at the end of it say, with a deep inner conviction and knowing that, “If it was meant to happen, it would. Since it happened, it was meant to happen” – that feels different. This is not resignation, because that is still a secret attachment to the way you think things should be. This is an inner conviction, and inner knowing, a faith that, even though you don’t agree with what happened, even though you do not like what happened, you acknowledge what you already know, that it happened because it was meant to.

The how and the way are not human concerns. They are simply not your business. These are left to God, Source, the Universe or whatever you want to call it. If you could know and understand why something happened, you would know it and understand it. If you could know and understand how something happened, or how to make something happen, you would know it. You know and understand only what you are able to know and understand at this point in your life. Nobody ever knows or understands more than they are truly ready for.

It’s liberating, because you don’t have to look back with regret at some missed opportunity. If you should have done that or gone there you would have. You don’t have to look back with bitterness and anger, trying to deny something that in your perception was bad that happened to you. If it happened to you, though you don’t know how or why, it was meant to happen to you. You can do the same with anything that has happened in human history.

Worrying will never find you a reason or a solution. It can’t. Worrying is denial. It is non-acceptance. You are not allowing yourself to accept something. Guilt also is denial. It is a way to beat yourself up about something instead of taking a moment to look inside yourself and facing whatever it is you need to face. In both cases you are not dealing with the issue, you are running away from it.

Allow, Release, Surrender. These are the three keys that will unlock everything for you. Embrace everything with acceptance and love, then release it and let it go. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, then release it and let it go. Proceed with confidence that nothing will happen in your life that is not supposed to, and there is nothing you can fail at because if you were meant to go somewhere or do something you would have gone there or done it. Anger, Fear, Guilt, Regret, Shame, etc. are all chains weighing you down. You will be a much happier person if you can just let all of that go.

Of course if you are meant to hear what I am saying and act on it, you will.

You might imagine, from what I have said here, that I am saying that nobody makes mistakes. This is correct. Nothing anyone has done or will do is wrong. The Universe sees no difference between a human killing a fly or another human. It sees no difference between humans killing each other and a lion killing a mouse. It sees no difference between a human raping another and a lion mounting a lioness in heat.

As much as you may not want this to be the case, Hitler is not roasting in hell somewhere. In fact, if you want him to be roasting in hell, if you are feeling anger, bitterness or hatred to another, you are the one who is in hell. Any desire for justice or vengeance closes you off from peace, and you close the door on experiencing love. Love is always there, but you are not allowing yourself to feel it. There is not a loving person on earth who seeks justice or vengeance for a perceived wrong.

As I have said before, right and wrong, good and bad exist only in human perception. There is no darkness, only light or an absence of light. The light is always there, it is humans who block it and live in darkness. You can think of your  time here in this physical form as akin to a surfer riding a wave. You are riding a wave of your actions, your choices, and whatever results from that. The ocean is the entire experience of all humans living right now, in this moment. All our waves interact and mingle with each other. They are all one.

You make a choice, You act. You steer your board a little this way or that, and ride a new wave of the results of your choice. Note that I am not using the word consequence here. That implies criticism or judgment; some sort of final reckoning. There is none. You could kill every person on this planet, you could destroy the earth itself, and you will still experience the end of your physical life, and the transition to whatever occurs after that.

You will bring with you everything you have learned. If you have grown during your time on earth you will transition to a higher form or reincarnate to learn new lessons. If you have stagnated and learned nothing, you will likely keep reincarnating until you learn whatever it is your soul needs or wants to learn. Some of the sources I have read state that immature souls are the ones that hurt others. Other sources say that our time here on earth is a sort of classroom. I think perhaps both are the Truth.

You are perfect and you do not make mistakes. You may not remember your perfection, and you may look at the things you have done or not done and think to yourself, “You know, I should have handled that better” or “I should have done that” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” None of this is True. You and your fellow humans may look at the things you have done or not done and label them as good or bad. But as far as the Universe is concerned, you have simply acted.

It is only in our society that we label things like murder and rape as bad or evil. It is only in human society that we have laws that allow us to live together on large numbers. Lions don’t have to worry about that. Some may think that lions are somehow less intelligent than humans. I don’t think so. In a pride of lions, the man can take his pick of the women when they are in heat. He may have to fight with other males, but he doesn’t have to go through all the bullshit that human males have to go through to find a mate. I think the animals have this figured out better than the humans.

Animals don’t require justice or vengeance. There is no consequence for killing one another. No men’s or women’s rights, no requirements to mate when they are in the mood. They live in large societies without the rule of law, and without the influence of man, their numbers remain stable, despite how many kill each other. Humanity may have intelligence, but until its members can live peaceably in large numbers without the need to control anyone’s behavior, we are less evolved than animals in this regard.

Proceed with confidence in your life. No matter how bad or good things get in your perception, no matter how seemingly out of control, everything is happening as it should, nothing is happening that shouldn’t, regardless of your opinion or the opinions of others. There is nothing to fear or worry about. You can trust yourself that you are doing the best you can at this time in your life, and this will remain true all the days you are here on this earth.

Release and Surrender your anger, bitterness, criticism, doubt, fear and judgment. There is no need for these things. Understand that to live in society you have to abide by its rules. If you do something that is perceived to be ethically and morally wrong, society will punish you. But as far as whatever you call god is concerned, you have done nothing wrong. There is no ethics, morality or rule of law in the spiritual dimensions. There is only love and light, and how much each soul allows itself to experience.

I Am Not Here

This is not my reality
even though it is what I
taste, touch, smell and see.

While my body is here,
my True Self is elsewhere.

I now have a dream,
I now have a purpose,
I now have a reason,
a goal I wish to attain.

I will realize my dreams,
I will live the life I want.

Every day brings me one step closer
to everything I have already become.


Reality and Video Games

This morning I had some thoughts that I think were inspired by the word “conviction.” As I worked it out in my mind, I compared the world to a video game. In a video game you can find the cracks and seams – its underpinnings. But in the real world these are hidden from us.

Most people are like the AI in a video game, barely aware of the world at all. If they encounter something unexplained, it may wake them up slightly, for a short period of time, but they quickly go back to sleep. Most are no more fazed by their encounters with the underpinnings of the world than an AI is in theirs.

An enlightened person can see and interact with the underpinnings of the world. How else could you explain levitation, walking on water, healing others, the things the rest of us all call miracles?

The Truth is obscured for the majority of humanity. Most have never seen it while physical. We have to have that faith and trust beyond belief, that inner knowing and conviction, it is there. We can’t break through using any directed physical means, as we might in a video game.

The majority of us have to somehow tap into the fact that we did see the Truth before we were physical. We have to have that feeling, that knowing. For example, even though we may not see the sun right now, we know it is there. We don’t have any doubts as to the sun’s existence, its rising and setting. We have to have the same feelings and mindset towards the Truth.

But an enlightened person has seen the Truth while physical. An enlightened person is fully conscious and aware. They can see the sun, to use our example, whether or not it is obscured. They see and understand the Truth.

It takes a stepping out in faith and trust to become enlightened. But I imagine that once someone is enlightened, they no longer need to have such levels of faith and trust. They have seen the Truth, the sun, to use my previous analogy, so they know it is there. They probably face other challenges.

Meditation and Manifestation

I have been thinking about this a little today. In the past I have a few examples I can recall where I visualized something I wanted and I fought tooth and nail to keep the image of what I wanted in mind. The results were never satisfactory; even when I succeeded it infected and darkened the experience of getting what I wanted.

I thought, for some reason, about meditation. How you gently keep coming back to the “object of your attention.” I realized that the same process applies to manifestation! You just gently keep coming back to the visualization of whatever it is you want to manifest in your life. But you aren’t the one manifesting anything.

There are two indicators here… If in visualizing something you want you feel like you are clenching your fists, if you feel any sort of stress or tightness about it, then you are putting in too much effort. You are attached to a particular outcome. As Abraham teaches through Esther Hicks, how you feel is your indicator.

The other indicator is, if in talking or writing about what you want, the phrase, “trying to manifest” comes up in any form. If it does, once again, you are putting in too much effort. You are trying to make something happen. You are attached to a particular outcome. As I said it feels like clenched fists, or clenched teeth, or some sort of tightness in your body.

There is the initial effort required, at least at first, to keep bringing your focus back to the object of your attention, the visualization in some way of the thing you want. So it is not completely effortless as I may have stated before. It does require a minimum amount of effort to practice awareness and to bring your focus back to your object of attention. But that’s all the effort you need, no more.

The phrase I came up with is to be, “firmly relaxed” about whatever it is you want. In my case I want $40.00 in my back account. So I see the $40.00, in bold, as if I were looking at it through my bank’s web page. I was initially afraid that I was doing it wrong again. I remember when I was picturing a nice place to stay once for my my parents and I, how hard it was, how much stress it caused, and we did not get a nice place.

But I see that my feelings then were more “clench fists” then. Right now, whenever my mind wanders back to the subject of my bank account, I just see this image of $40.00 in bold. I don’t hold it there, don’t do anything with it. Just a gentle process of bringing it back to the object of my attention. I am definitely not attached to this, and am firmly relaxed about it.

So if you are familiar with the process of meditation, apply it to the process of manifestation. Practice being firmly relaxed about it. Keep bringing your focus back to the object of your attention, in this case some sort of image, in your mind or maybe a picture on your wall that brings it to mind. In visualizing it bring in as much of the five physical senses as possible. Think about what it will be like to have it. As much as you can, feel what you would feel once you have it.

Understand that in our society it is not natural or normal to think in this way. That is not how we are raised as children, as a general rule. So for most of us we have to practice being firmly relaxed, until we have that inner knowing, that trust which is more than belief, that the thing we are envisioning will show up in our lives, exactly as we want it and exactly when we need it. Once we have that inner knowing trust it will be natural for us to be firmly relaxed. We will be free of all fear-based feeling, which includes doubt and worry.

For now, for most of us, we just have to practice holding loosely, or being firmly relaxed, with whatever it is we are visualizing. I don’t think the manifestation teachings cover this very well, but it is important and vital to the process. I will let you know how my own experience goes. I will be applying everything I have said here to the process.

What Happened?

I have talked a little about this before, using what I learned while reading, “The Big Leap” after I totaled the Lexus. Just a few additional thoughts have come up now after seeing a beautiful painting i have shared on Facebook, done by an artist who died in poverty, and from the quality of their work, this is something that should not have happened. Yet is has happened, over and over again, and continues to happen, to artists from all walks of life all over the world.

There is an author that inspired Louis L. Hay, her name was Florence Scovel Shinn. She was a New Thought writer, along with many other wonderful authors such as Emmet Fox.  But despite what she knew, despite her teachings, she too died in poverty. I always wondered how that could happen. How could someone who purports to know how the Universe works die in poverty? Is it their teachings do not work? I am not so quick to jump to that solution.

The artist whose work I shared was an excellent artist. It was not due to low quality work that he died in poverty. No. Similarly the quality of the Mrs. Shinn’s writing was not poor. It was not wrong teachings that brought about what happened to her. I think there are two aspects of this to consider:
1. Knowing or understanding something intellectually is not the same as experiencing  and living it.
2. Self-limiting behavior has to be addressed for an individual to be successful.

My guess is that this artist, and Mrs. Shinn, each died in poverty because of self-limiting behavior. Perhaps the artist never believed in himself as an artist. Perhaps the writer never believed in herself as a writer. Maybe the author never came to experienced or lived the things she taught. Maybe both of them had been poor all their lives and that was their comfort level. Strange as it may sound, but you can get comfortable with the circumstances and situation of your life. How many citizens considered to be low-income make it out of the housing developments AKA the projects? How many make it out only to either be killed or kill themselves? I am stuck in an RV with my parents.

I think we can trace all of this back to self-limiting behavior. We sabotage ourselves if we wander too far outside of our comfort zone. There is a dragon that must be slain, and self-limitation is the name of that loathsome beast. We have to figure out how to allow ourselves to have better lives, to experience success, to be accepted in our various fields. We have to become aware of anything that we do that is meant to hold us back, or destroy any progress or success we may have had. Definitely buy and read this book:

It is the only text covering this material I have found. And I suspect it is the most important subject you could ever study. Because it doesn’t matter how many times you listen to excellent teachings from sources such as Abraham or Wayne Dyer or Louise Hay or anyone else – anything that is helping you in your growth, in building the life you want for yourself, needs to include the subject of self-limiting and sabotaging behaviors, and I can not recall seeing it in any of these sources.

Why do people who win the lottery end up unhappy and in a worse state than they were before? I bet you want to blame the money. Society and particularity the Christian religion want you to see money as the evil beast that must be slain. It is not the money that is evil. Money is just pieces of paper with an assigned value. No, it is sudden success which wakes the real enemy, that wily serpent of self-limitation. It also wakes up in many of those who are around the suddenly successful person, resulting in all sorts of attempts to control behavior and preserve the status quo.

None of those involved can help it, because like your Inner Critic, the voice of self-limitation, if it is not speaking directly through your Inner Critic, is talking to you very softly, at a level you can not consciously hear, unless you train yourself to become aware of it, just as you would train yourself to become aware of your Inner Critic. You have to be aware of these voices before you can consciously choose not to heed anything they say.

If there is anything in this world that should be utterly destroyed it is the status quo, and anything else used to control, limit or restrict people.

For now, assume the teachings are sound. Release and let go of your doubt. Practice consciously listening to anything that is attempting to limit or sabotage you. Release and let go of this stupid assumption that just because something has always been done a certain way, that is the best or only way to do it. It isn’t. Just because you have been a certain way your whole life, it doesn’t follow that you must always be that way. Challenge and question everything.

If you are going to believe something, hold it loosely, don’t make it a part of your identity. Practice openness and receptivity. Allow yourself to change, develop and grow. Try to personally experience anything you have come to know or understand. Embrace happiness, joy, success and any other good thing that comes your way. Release and let go of anything that makes you feel bad, keeps you from enjoying life or removes the pleasure of living it.

You can do this, you can, and will, succeed. Don’t just believe it, know it. Don’t just know it, rest in form assurance, knowing it is true.


There are a number of things I am resistant to. I find resistance when I try to write, when I try to make time for singing and when I want to draw. I feel resistance to my intention to buy a set of Legos to play with, a way of getting in touch with my inner child. I also find resistance when I want to walk around naked or masturbate. Yet in every instance I can not find a single good thing about resistance, a single reason why I should listen to it.

For me resistance feels like a holding back, a putting on the brakes. It’s the angel on one shoulder and the demon on the other, each whispering into my ear of what I should or should not do. I think resistance is actually the voice of my parents and those who raised me, my former religion and my society, sourced from the beliefs I have adopted from all of these. In my opinion resistance serves only one useful purpose, and that is it gives you something to run toward.

“But wait!” you say, “You shouldn’t run around naked or masturbate. That’s bad (or wrong, or uncivilized or it just isn’t something anyone should do).” While I can not argue that these behaviors are not seen as being acceptable to do within the general public, I will argue that masturbation or running around naked are not at all bad, or wrong, or anything negative at all. In these instances resistance serves to reinforce fear, guilt and shame. These are devices constructed by man to control man’s behavior.

In an ideal society you would be able to walk around naked and masturbate whenever and wherever you like. You would be able to have sex with any willing partner. And the interesting thing is such a society would not be one long hedonistic orgy, because such things would no longer have any stigma attached to them. Since people would be free to do them, they would not do them very much. Far less than they do them now. Why? Because, as I have said before, resistance makes whatever you are resisting stronger.

You have to get at the root cause of the external symptom. Let’s say that you are very angry with someone, to the point you wish to hit them. If you hit them you are being resistant, and if you resist hitting them you are being resistant. The urge to hit is a symptom caused by fear or hurt. The person you are angry with has hurt you, or you are afraid of loosing your relationship with them.

If you hit them you are denying the healthy expression you need. You have resistance to expressing to them that you are afraid, angry or hurt. If you resist hitting them but say nothing, maybe you just turn and walk away, again you have resistance to expressing to them that you are afraid, angry or hurt. You have to do what you resist, and hitting them is not what you are really resisting. What you are really resisting is expressing yourself to them, typically through communication.

So when it comes to something that would hurt you or another, I am not saying you need to push through your resistance and do it anyway. I am not encouraging you to do anything that would harm you or another person. I am saying that in these cases you have to get down to the root cause and do the thing you are actually resisting. It will likely involve allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel and expressing what you feel. Striking out is not expressing what you feel. It is a symptom resisting what you feel. What you feel and are resisting is the cause, and the course of action is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel.

So if you are about to buy something, do something or go somewhere, and you feel that familiar twinge of resistance, I suggest running straight at it immediately, without hesitation, no matter what it is. Just drop everything and run at it like your life depends on it. Run after it like whatever you are resisting is the most important thing in the world. Because my guess is that whatever you are resisting is extremely important to you.

Susan Jeffers covers this in, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway,” in Chapter 9, “Just nod your head and say yes.” The Buddhists teach non-attachment. These are both alternative ways to deal with the same thing. If you stop denying (resisting) your life or any undesirable aspects of it, and instead just nod your head and say yes to it, in that acceptance of it you stop holding yourself back. As long as you resist your life or any undesirable aspects of it you are holding yourself back from changing whatever it is you want to change. As for the Buddhist teachings, if you are attached to something, that means you are attached to a particular outcome, and are resistant to any other. By practicing non-attachment you are essentially practicing non-resistance.

You have to embrace something before you can let it go.

In my case I need to stop being ashamed of being naked or masturbating. I should be able to experience joy in both activities. They should be seen as a blessing, not a curse. And the Legos? My doubt about buying the set I want, the Architectural Set, when I saw the price is precisely why I must buy it. I have denied myself any fun. My inner artist is starving, and I feed the inner artist by honoring my inner child. I see clearly now that my resistance is showing me that buying that set, no matter the price, is exactly what I must do. The thought of being embarrassed to have my parents see me playing with them, building with them, also confirms that I need them.

My parents and others may see it as a waste. But I know better. I know that buying them will open me to more money, will bring me joy, and will help me think about the house of my dreams, how I would like to design and build it. My parents punished me when I was a child. They made me go to sleep in a bed filled with Legos. threatening punishment as I recall if I made any noise. They removed the joy of this from me. They also removed the joy of playing an instrument from me, and they never encouraged my desire to sing or learn music.

I have to right the wrongs of the past and undo the damage that has been done in order to completely heal these wounds. Only when they are fully healed will I find more freedom in creativity, in expressing myself artistically.

What is it that you are resisting? Is there something you have not bought for yourself because it’s silly, it makes no sense, you have bills to pay, etc.? If there is, buy it. Ignore everything else. Your resistance is showing you clearly what you need. You may meet with resistance coming from others to your purchase or chosen course of action. But in some way your life has gone off course, and paying attention to these little indications and signs will get you back on course.

That’s what I think anyway. I will certainly report back here with any developments or progress on my end, once I have purchased the Legos and started playing with them.

An Untenable Judgment

Years ago when I was a child (and as I have probably said many times before, I may have said this before) a teacher took me aside at Hudson Park Elementary (I think I even remember exactly where this happened) and told me that the world did not revolve around me. I think at the time I had been stealing or something. Not sure exactly all the effects this had on me, but I think I stopped stealing and created the foundation for a Nice Guy persona. Here is a book to explain that:

Now I can not be sure of the teacher’s motivations here. Everyone is raised within the confines of their family belief systems. Maybe the teacher was trying to help, maybe they were trying to hurt me, maybe they were trying to shake me up a little. But ultimately the labels “selfishness” and “self-centeredness” are applied to an individual as a way of controlling behavior that is believed to be, or is seen to be, undesirable in some way or wrong.

I am only going to say this once… The world, even the entire universe, does revolve around you. Or more accurately, your world, your universe revolves around you. Everyone that can look up and see the moon will see the moon. But everyone will have a different way of interpreting and perceiving the same object, and all of them will not be seeing the object as it really is, outside of all those associations, beliefs, interpretations and judgments. An enlightened person, meaning one who can see things as they are, will see the moon as it is. I have no reference to draw from here. They probably wouldn’t even assign a name or label to it.

The point is, no two people experience reality in exactly the same way. We all live inside the orbits of our own belief systems, habitual patterns of thought and perceptions. This is why one person can pick up a penny and joyously thank the Universe for its provision, while another may walk on past or kick it into the gutter. Guess which person likely has more money in their life?

Also being selfish or self-centered doesn’t necessarily mean you also believe the earth and the universe rotate about you. In fact I doubt if anyone labeled normal would believe that. And even if someone did, what makes that wrong? You can throw all the science you want at me, that still doesn’t make one person’s unique viewpoint any more or less valid than any other.

It also doesn’t necessarily follow that being selfish or self-centered is wrong. A baby is selfish, does that mean you punish him or her every time they demand you feed them or clean their diaper? Maybe some parents do, and god help them when their children grow up. Because when those parents are in diapers, baby-like and in need of care, what do you think the children will do? They can draw from what they have learned. They will only repeat the lessons their parents taught them. Are you in a nursing home, with children who never visit and don’t seem to care about you? Ask yourself, how did you treat them when they were helpless and dependant on you? Be brutally honest, you are far too mature not to face the truth.

We have to be selfish, because we have to take care of ourselves. If we fall into the Nice Guy (or Good Girl) trap, we will put the needs of others ahead of our own, looking for all the world incredibly selfless, but our motivations will not be pure. We will not really want to be doing the things we want to do. Our heart will not be in it, and if our heart is not in what we do, doesn’t that make us heartless? Aren’t we acting heartlessly? Think about that for a moment.

If we are self-centered I guess that means we act like, and truly believe, that only we matter. We may be arrogant and conceited. But the issue is not whether or not we are self-centered. The issue is why we are acting this way. Could it be that we have an over-inflated idea of ourselves because ultimately, we feel we are full of hot air? That we don’t matter, that nobody cares about us? Isn’t a low self-esteem why we don the role of self-centeredness?

The solution is not to criticize and judge others for behavior we do not agree with. Fuck that. And fuck trying to control the behavior of others. Anyone on that quest is acting like Don Quixote, chasing windmills. The solution is to be motivated by love, for ourselves and for others. Period.

So to that long-ago teacher, you screwed up. You were not motivated by love in what you did. You were motivated by the desire to dominate a child and control their behavior. This was very irresponsible of you. The end result is that child, now a grown man, has an incredible amount of crap to clean out that he inherited from his family, their religion, and society. He became a Nice Guy, meaning he wasn’t really nice at all. He has since begun to address these and other issues. But at the root of every issue he has are the things the adults in his life did and said to him when he was a child.

You were one of those adults. If you knew how to motivate the children in your care with love, that is how you should have proceeded. But chances are you didn’t know better. So while you are partly responsible, I do not blame you. I hold no grudge towards you. I understand, all too clearly, how we are all prisoners of our beliefs, adopted, inherited and picked up by ourselves.

Instead I will point out to you, and every other adult in any position of authority, the incredible responsibility we have. Adolf Hitler is thought to be one of humanity’s greatest monsters. But this is an incorrect point of view. The real monsters are the adults who contributed to raising Hitler to be who he became. Without those adult influences, there would be no Adolf Hitler, except maybe as a painter. Imagine if he had been raised by those motivated purely by love. People who loved him and supported him. People who encouraged his artistic ambitions. We would have seen more of this:

And less of this:

And none of your bullshit about, “Oh poor Hitler, he wasn’t loved enough!” in some sarcastic tone of voice. You are damn right he wasn’t loved enough, and this is just one blatant historical example of what happens to a child who is raised by adults that would rather control their child’s behavior than actually be motivated by love in their parenting! Maybe Hitler’s parents didn’t know any better, so couldn’t do any better. I don’t know. I am not a historian. I just know that all monsters are created, or rather raised, not born. I don’t care what proof you have to the contrary. Any exception proves the rule.

It’s time to stop fucking around and face the truth. Raise your children with love, motivated by love, or don’t bother having them at all. Give them away to adoption, send them to live with relatives, do whatever you have to do. But don’t try raising them unless you can do so motivated by love. If you are yelling at them, telling them they are bad or wrong, that they shouldn’t do this or that, you are trying to control their behavior and are not motivated by love. Your children are not your slaves, nor your dogs to be whipped into obedience and submission. Your religious beliefs are no excuse. You are responsible for the adult this child will become. Ask yourself honestly what kind of adult are you raising?

I don’t know about you but I would rather see more beautiful paintings and less episodes of genocide, holocausts and war. The kind of future we will have is not in the hands of our children, but those who are raising them. Our children will only repeat the behaviors they learned from us, or that were beaten into them. Not everyone will be imprisoned this way, there are a few who escape. But none of us escape undamaged. We all bear the scars of being raised by those who were not motivated by love.