These words
do not flow easily
from my pen,
or the fingers
that hold it.

Poetry requires
some energy or force,
which draws you
to the page and
compels you to write.

If you try
to make it happen,
the result is jittery,
rough and full
of sharp edges.

You can not
draw the page to you
and make a poem come out.
The result sounds a lot
like what I have done here.

Poetry must flow
out of you,
just as water
flows over
smooth stones.

Poetry requires
a certain lightness
and openness.
It will not flow through
a preoccupied mind.

Poetry loves
to sneak up on you
when you are
doing anything else
but being a poet.

You have to learn
to stop what you are
doing and write down
the words you have
been given.

Poetry will not
come when called,
at least not willingly,
and it absolutely hates
keeping to a schedule.

If you want
to be a poet,
you must have
pen and paper
easily to hand.

You must write
the moment words come.
You must also be open,
receptive and filled
with a lightness of spirit.

Once you get to know her,
poetry is a constant friend,
a reliable companion
and a direct channel
from your heart to the world.

Poetry is an exterior manifestation
of the inward seeking expression.


What “Money Is The Root of All Evil” Really Means

It is time to challenge a belief, a misperception, that many religious people, especially Christians, have about money. The Bible has multiple seemingly negative messages about it, including, “Money is the root of all evil” and “You cannot serve God and mammon (money).” Yet again religious folks, especially fundamentalist religious folks, have taken something the Bible says literally, which was never meant to be taken literally. Let’s sort this out, shall we?

Money is not the issue at all here, even though at a surface level that is what it looks like. In reality the issue is one of mindset. As I have taught many, many times, the things that have power over us only have that power as long as we give it to them. We can give things power over us primarily two ways:
1. By resisting it, which makes it stronger.
2. By “buying” its power, believing in it.

I have only begun to tug at the threads of this thing, so I do not have the entire tapestry yet. But the materialistic system is brilliantly designed. We will use an example with money to illustrate a point. Say you go into town and you see an armored truck. You know there are valuables inside. You also know there are armed guards, protective technologies and a very thick metallic shell you would have to get through to get to the cash.

From the side of those sending the trucks around to collect their valuables, there isn’t really resistance to you stealing them. It is passive only. Because if they resisted you stealing their valuables, you would then have the power. Any resistance of stealing will make the reality of things being stolen stronger. That’s just how things work. They, whoever they are, are well aware of this.

So they pass the buck, figuratively, onto you. As you see that truck, knowing what you know, the power of those things regarded as valuable in our society becomes absolute. You have to “buy in” to the value of whatever is inside, those items which society considers valuable, and once you have done this you perpetuate the materialistic system.

This is hard to grasp and put into words, but I am doing my best. Everything you see on the news, everything you are raised to believe from childhood – all of it is designed to cause you to believe in money, and to make money’s power over you absolute. This, in addition to religion, makes you much easier to control.

Why? Because if you are poor you see money as the only solution. And in some cases it is. If you need certain things, like clothing, food, medicine, etc., you must have money. By this the system is preserved. Even if you were to come into a lot of money, your mindset towards money gives it influence and power over you, so you really do become a slave to the dollar. Society raises you that way.

The only way considered acceptable and realistic to get money is to earn it through a job. Even though  there are other legal and moral ways to get money, once again you “buy into” what you have been told since birth – you really don’t have a choice, so these alternative means of acquiring money appear undependable, unrealistic and unworkable. You can’t have a house unless you have a dependable monthly income, right? No, actually that’s entirely and utterly wrong. But that is not what you believe.

This then is why the Bible says money is the root of all evil. Notice the Bible doesn’t say money is evil. You infer that money is evil because the Bible says money is the root of it. In your literal interpretation of scripture you conveniently forget to also take this part literally. According to the Bible money is the root of all evil. It doesn’t necessarily mean money is evil. I could say the virus is the root of all sickness. But a virus isn’t literally sickness. A virus only leads to sickness, and it only leads to sickness, there is no guarantee of sickness, only the possibility.

Exactly the same is true of money. Money can lead to evil, but it is not evil itself. Money is just some object we all agree to assign a value to, be it a coin or a bill or a gold nugget. It isn’t even the physical object the Bible is talking about here. What the Bible is actually warning is about is our mindset to money. The same applies to the other passage. It is all about mindset, more specifically, the things we believe in and give power to.

We humans, for all our intelligence, are incredibly stupid in certain ways. We say things like, “Guns kill.” No, they don’t. Bullets kill people. But even that is false. Neither bullets or guns kill people. You will never see a gun load itself, aim itself at someone, and then fire. Likewise you will never see a bullet float up by itself, aim at someone, and then hit them.

In fact the only way guns can kill is if they are loaded, and the people who use loaded guns do the shooting. And even that is not entirely accurate. Because in order for someone to kill another person, there has to be a mindset of killing, murder or violence. Guns can do absolutely nothing if the person holding them does not have the mindset, the mentality, to pull the trigger. AND IF THEY DO, IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT IS A GUN, KNIFE, STICK or LARGE ROCK!

The ONLY thing we would accomplish by getting rid of guns is to:
1. Create a HUGE back market for guns and
2. Cause people who want to kill, murder or use violence to use knives.

When it comes down to it, if someone wants to kill another person, a gun only makes it easier and quicker in some ways. They will use anything, including their bare hands, if they really have the mindset to hurt and/or kill. Not only that, the only people who would obey the law and not have guns are innocent civilians who would need them if and when they are attacked. In other words, the “bad” guys will ignore the law and still have guns, and the people that needed guns in order to protect themselves from them would no longer have them.

By this we see that all gun laws are completely useless, an exercise in complete and utter futility. It is our mindset that gives these things power over us. My mindset towards guns is actually not beneficial to me. I am actually empowering those who would pass gun laws by my resistance to gun laws. The only way I could create a reality that is more positive and supportive, of a higher frequency or vibration, is to let go of all these feelings I have about gun laws. But right now, in this moment, gun laws and those involved with that side of this issue have power over me.

The exact same thing with money. Right now society would use two words to describe me. Lazy (meaning I do not have a job and therefore am not a contributing member of society) and poor (meaning I have little or no money.) It is very hard for me to have the experience of abundance and wealth I desire as long as I maintain my current mindset about money, which is what has given it power over me. My mindset causes me to be “closed off” from the abundance of the Universe, and until I “open myself”, by freeing myself of the hold money has over me, I will receive very little if anything from it.

Those who see an armored car and consider robbing it are even more under the influence of money. If they rob the armored car, they will have to use some measure of violence. In this way money is the root of all evil, this is what the Bible is telling us. The things we do for money, when our mindset towards it is influencing our actions and giving it power over us, are evil. Not evil as in literally evil. Evil in this case means harmful to us and others, negative.

Worse, if those who see an armored car consider robbing it, then do so, they make money’s influence and power over them absolute. You can only rob and steal out of a mindset of lack and limitation. By stealing the robbers would continue to have an experience of lack and limitation. They would need to steal more money, and they would be unable to stop, until they change their mindset towards money.

This is why I would not consider stealing. Not because it is bad/good or right/wrong. I could care less about that. It is all about the hold I am allowing money to have over me. A lady I occasionally worked for mentioned some bag of cash that fell out of an armored car recently. She asked me if I would keep the money. I said I don’t think I would, not if it was easily identifiable who the money belonged to.

In fact wouldn’t keep a single bill. I would if the money and the bag had no identifying information, if there was no obvious candidate from which it came parked anywhere nearby. I once picked up a wallet on the bus. I could have opened it and taken any cash inside. But I did not. I didn’t even open it. I just handed it to the bus driver. But if I am walking along, nobody around, and find a $100.00 on the ground, in the middle of nowhere, I will keep it. I would consider that to be something the Universe provided.

My reason for this is simple. I am doing my best to practice of mindset of abundance. That means trusting that the Universe will provide. I often freely give of my money, or share it. I walk a thin line between being free with my finances and being careless. Once again I am practicing a mindset of abundance. In doing these things I am taking back the hold, influence and power I have allowed money to have over me. I seek the freedom to live the life I want and to experience an abundance of all good and desirable things.

If you are seeking this as well, then you must change your mindset towards money, starting with throwing out any literal interpretation of the any holy text, especially the Bible. Just release and let go of all negative and unsupportive beliefs, feelings and thoughts you have about money. As your mindset towards money changes, its hold influence and power over you will loosen. But you have to find a way to practice you new mindset every day. It has to become as natural to you as your former mindset was. When it does you will be finally be truly free.

Who Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

When I was a little boy I loved to run barefoot through the soft, green grass. I loved to lay down on the grass and just watch the clouds float by. I loved to watch the sun set before I went to bed at night, and to watch it rise when I got up in the morning. When an adult asked me, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” I said, “I want to be someone who runs barefoot through the grass and watches the clouds.”

But my answer seemed to disappoint the adult. They asked me, “Are you sure you don’t want to be a firefighter, a policeman, a scientist or a doctor?” I vigorously nodded my small head no and again said, “When I grow up I want to be someone who runs barefoot through the grass and watches the clouds.”

Time and childhood passed quickly, as it often does, and I found I had become a young man. As a young man I liked to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook and make things on my computer. When I wasn’t doing any of those things I still found myself running barefoot through the grass and watching the clouds. When an adult asked me, “What do you want to do with your life?” I said, “I want to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook and make things on my computer. When I am not doing those things I want to run barefoot through the grass and watch the clouds.”

My answer seemed to disappoint the adult. They asked, “Don’t you want to do anything with your life?” Repeating myself I said, “I just want to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook and make things on my computer. When I am not doing those things I want to run barefoot through the grass and watch the clouds.”

More time passed and soon I found I had become an adult. As an adult I liked to read books, draw in my sketchbook and make things on my computer. When I was not doing those things I was either going to college or going to work. I had no time to play video games, run barefoot through the grass or watch the clouds. As each day passed I found myself less and less happy.

I got married, had a family and soon my sketchbook lay abandoned, the books I read were only to instruct, my computer was used only used to keep track of the finances and I only saw cartoons on the TV. One day my wife jokingly asked me, “What do you want to do with your life?” I said, “I want to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook and make things on my computer. When I am not doing those things I want to hold your hand, walk barefoot through the grass, and watch the clouds.”

My answer seemed to confuse my wife. She didn’t understand what I was trying to say. So she asked, “Don’t you love the children and I? Don’t you want to take care of us?” I said, “Of course I love you and the children, and I will always take care of you. But I miss watching the shows I like on TV. I miss having time to read a book that interests me. I really miss playing video games, drawing in my sketchbook, and making things on my computer. But most of all I miss walking barefoot through the grass and watching the clouds. What I am doing with my life is not what I want to do with my life. Please try to understand.”

Later that same day my little boy came to me and I asked him, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” My little boy replied, “I like to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook, sing and make things on my computer. When I am not doing those things I like running barefoot through the grass and watching the clouds. I also like to sit and watch the stars whenever you and mommy let me stay up late. When I grow up I want to be someone who does those things.”

I remembered what the adult had said to me so many years ago. So I smiled lovingly at my little boy, embraced him tightly and said, “If that is what you want to do with your life, then that is what you will do. You will watch TV, play video games, draw in your sketchbook, sing and make things on your computer. When you are not doing those things you will run barefoot through the grass and watch the clouds. Also from now on, you can sit and watch the stars for a little each night before you go to bed. Your mother and I love you, and we will support you in whatever you choose to do.”

My little boy gave me the biggest, brightest smile I had ever seen. I hugged him again, then after I released him I looked him straight in the eye and added, “… and don’t ever let anyone tell you that you have to do anything else with your life. Listen to your heart, follow your dreams and do what makes you happy.”

Then I took my little boy up to the attic, where I pulled out a big and dusty old box. I opened it up and took out the books I used to like to read, the video games I used to like to play, and the sketchbook in which I used to draw. I showed these things to my little boy and said, “When I was your age all I wanted to do is run barefoot through the grass and watch the clouds. When I grew a little older I wanted to watch TV, play video games, draw in my sketchbook, read and make things on my computer. When I was not doing those things I still liked to run barefoot through the grass and watch the clouds.”

“But when I became an adult I listened to what others said I should do and I did those things instead. I packed away all the things I loved to do into this box, where they have sat until this moment. Remember what I have shown you here today.” My little boy smiled, then ran downstairs to play.

Time passed, and I found I had become an old man. I no longer had to work and my children had left the house to start lives of their own. Now I had all the time I wanted, to do whatever I wanted. But my body was old, stiff and store. At best I could only walk slowly through the grass, wearing shoes. I could only stand outside so long before I had to sit down, and I could only sit down so long before I had to stand again. And I was always cold, so I could never stay outside very long, or I would get a painful cough.

I spent most of my time inside, reading books I could not remember I had read, trying to draw in my sketchbook with short, jerky movements and hands that always trembled. I had no interest in TV, video games or computers. One day my wife jokingly asked me, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” My answer, and my very last words to her, were, “I just want to be myself.”

This little story came to me as I stepped outside this evening to watch the sunset. I asked myself a question, “What if all I wanted to do with my life is watch the clouds?”

I now have a Patreon page

If you would like to support me, you can now do so at my Patreon page:

Your support would aid me in continuing to share content here, and other places on the internet. It would give me a way to pay for any classes or courses I would like to take, meet my needs and maybe, just maybe pay for continuing my education at Digipen.

Please support me if it feels right and flows for you to do so! Know that I appreciate your support, and am extremely thankful, more than these words can properly express.

We Don’t Have To Accept What’s Offered

After my bout of self-pity, leading to my previous post, I realized some things today. It partly comes from this statement by Abraham, through Esther Hicks, “When you understand that unwanted things cannot assert themselves into your experience, but that everything is invited to you and by you through thought, you never again feel threatened by what others may be choosing to live, even if they are very close by – for the cannot be a part of your experience.” (from The Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks)

So others are offering a version of “reality” for those in my financial position who are interested in the BAGD program at Digipen. There are layers to their version of reality: It is expensive. The degree is useless from a professional standpoint. The college is very hard and has an extremely heavy workload. The housing situation is terrible.

OK, so someone or some group of someones has constructed this experience that is the commonly accepted definition of “reality” at Digipen. What I forgot is that just because someone offers me something, that doesn’t mean I have to take it. I have long known at some deep inner level that the only power anyone has over me is the power I have given them. I may forget this from time to time. Their power over me may appear to be absolute. But the truth is it only lasts as long as I accept it.

Our society is comprised of a great majority of individuals who willing bend their backs to accept the yoke others would put on them. It’s just easier to believe in the most convincing illusion instead of anything we can visualize. It’s like going to McDonald’s for some fast food instead of the produce place for some organic ingredients we would have to cook into some far superior dish.

The reality that others offer us, the way others tell us things are, is just easier to accept. Not many of us are willing to ask why things are the way they are. Not many of us are willing to challenge the way things are. I guess in that sense Rosa Parks truly is a hero. Maybe all she did is get on a bus and sit down (forgive any inaccuracies of my historical account here), but ultimately what she was doing was challenging how things are.

Like so many others in the human race I was all set to give up on Digipen and accept the reality I had been offered. But now I see I can free myself of those constraints at any time, and I have done so. The only thing I need to do is decide, once and for all, if I truly want to go to Digipen. Knowing what I want, being decisive and firm about it, that is the first step in the manifestation process. Something else I have forgotten.

It does appear to matter to me. When I, at a mental level, closed the door to Digipen It knocked me down for a while. It hurt. If it matters that much, then maybe I really do want to go. Once I am sure, once I am ready to commit, I can begin the process of creating the reality I want to experience.

The beautiful thing about this is that there is no resistance here. I can act out of love. I think maybe a good definition of love is, “Wanting the best for others and myself.” I can, in a figurative if not actual way, simply nod my head, thank those who have presented me with the common “reality” of the experience at Digipen, and turn away from their gift. I can so so while wishing the absolute best for them. That when they are ready for a better, more constructive, positive and supportive experience at Digipen they can have it.

There is no anger here. No bitterness. No us VS them. It frankly does not matter what they, whoever they are, have done, are doing or will do. Yes, they can paint some very convincing versions of reality, and the majority that buy into it will become its missionaries, so it has been, is and will continue to be a very convincing illusion. But the key is that it is all illusion. There is no such thing as “reality” out there. No hard and fast laws in the universe. Absolutely none. Another belief I have long held is that the only reason gravity has any power over us is because we believe it does.

Nothing is set in stone in a cosmic, universal sense. No destiny, no fate, unless you accept it. Maybe the law of love remains constant. But ultimately we are free to create the reality we want to experience, regardless of how things appear to be.

The way I see it now, once I am sure I want to go to Digipen, then my work is to begin the application process. There is a portfolio to build, essays to write. I can work with the funds I have, and when I have more, I can pay the application fee. I already am certain that I will be accepted. I am absolutely certain of that. Digipen wants students like me, passionate about their areas of study with high GPAs. We make them look good, and they get rich off us.

But I don’t have to think or worry about any of that. About what others are doing, about what Digipen is or is not doing. About what my prospective employers will do. It is all irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that I focus on what I want to do, and the experience I want to have. Briefly it is this: I am effortlessly completing all assignments. I am enjoying my classes and instructors. The money is there to pay for all my needs, and some of the things I want. I have the absolute best place for me to stay.

My work is simply to focus on what I want, do my own thing, and let others do theirs. I have no enemies outside of those to which I allow myself to feel enmity. There is no battle, no war. I get to choose the version of reality I buy into, and the only reality that has any power over me is the one I buy into. At first I bought into the version of reality at Digipen offered to me by others, but now I am not. That reality is not constructive, positive or supportive, so I am now creating one that is.

If I fail, if the money does not show up, I am still getting a worthy education in creating my own reality instead of buying into the version of reality offered by others. And I get to work towards something that matters to me. Something that makes me feel good. Definitely worth it!

Why is it that others have power over me, and get to decide how things will be?

I am in the middle of trying to figure out where I will go and what I will do after I graduate. I had a dream of attending Digipen institute, but that dream is now dying. As far as I have been able to determine, it costs $47,000 a year to pay for tuition, room and board. And I assume that is using Digipen’s housing, which crams 2-3 people in a bedroom, 4-6 people in a 2 bedroom place. Also, from what I have heard, the people you end up staying with are not good roomates.

What is bothering me right now are the following questions:
1. Why do others get to have power over me, when I did not give them that power?
2. Who decided that, for example, attending Digipen would be like this and cost this much?

Here’s the thing… Were I to somehow start tracking this down, I would find individuals that each contrivited a small part to this. I doubt I would find a single person that made things this way. If we looked at this like members of an orchestra, all I would find are the various members of the band. But who is the conductor?

Why can’t my college experience be what I decide it should be? Why can’t it be completely covered by Financial Aid, or a combination of Financial Aid and some sort of merit based grant or scholarship, which I would definitely get and definitely do deserve, having graduated from Clark College with a very high GPA?

Why can’t I just go and develop my drawing skills, level design skills and modeling skills? Why does programming even have to enter the picture? Who decided that?

Why can’t I live somewhere where, at the very least, I have my own bedroom, my own space, with a good lock on the door and reasonable monthly or quarterly or annual rates?

Why can’t I find a school that offers the perfect bachelors program for me, focused on art  and design within video games, taught by good instructors?

I simply do not understand why I must live in and and submit to any other person’s idea of “reality.” I don’t get why the current “reality” of video game college, or video game art design courses at college, is what it is.

I believe I can create my own reality. That if I change my mindset and my beliefs I can create the reality I want. I can have the life experience I want to have. But my faith in this belief is weakening. I have so far failed to change any of the current “reality” as it stands.

Somehow “reality” as it stands right now is stronger that even my strongest desire for the reality I want to experience. Somehow whoever is pulling the strings, or whatever group is doing it – they are far stronger that I am. Because the “reality” of the college experience being expensive, requiring loans and the game design college or course experience of requiring programming remains unchanging, as if set in stone.

Who is it that set these things in motion, created this reality, and maintains it with such an iron grip? How are they doing it, when all the manifestation principles I have studied have made it exceedingly clear that any negative intentions will ultimately fail?

I know and understand just enough to see I am missing something here. But I can not figure out how to take this any further. How to set out and reveal the shadowy figure(s) conducting this orchestra, or how to remove myself from their influence.

And now I don’t even have the dream of attending Digipen as any sort of goal for after I graduate. I have nothing. I do not know what to do. All I can do is stick my my principles.

But you can’t fill your empty belly with principles. You can’t shelter yourself from the weather with them either. Ultimately they are pretty useless. They only amount to one person, in all this orchestra, standing up and refusing to take instruction. But the cost of defiance is extremely high, and may end up costing me my life.

I wish I knew how “reality” was being defined so powerfully, so I could use the same methods to change the definition to something more in my favor.

What Anger, Bitterness and Hatred Do To Us

I have become a willing inmate,
In my own prison of hate.

I keep messing up. I have these things to write about, in the heat of the moment, but the timing isn’t right. I have other things to do. I want to go to bed. I want to play a little Minecraft. The hot fire of passion flares up briefly, then dies. So it has happened to this post. But I will stir the coals and do my best to revive the flames.

I watched something a day or so ago – it might have been one of the new episodes of Father Brown on Netflix. I felt this incredible anger against this character. I wanted to see them suffer. I wanted to see them hurt. But on the heels of these emotions I realized something. The person feeling this way, the person that would act on these feelings, would become exactly like the person they were acting against.

A day or so later, in a moment of clarity, I said to my mom that the only way any offense she has taken can stay alive is in her memory. In her remembering it, she relives it. She perpetuates the offense. I am not explaining it nearly as clearly now as I did then. Still the truth should be easy to discern here.

Then today I watched, “The Secret In Their Eyes.” I don’t want to give away any spoilers. But one of the characters did something, and in doing what she did, she put herself in the exact same position as the person she was doing it to.

All the emotional and mental pain we feel, all our hurt is kept alive by our revisiting it on our memory. I have said much of this before. The past is only a memory, the future does not exist. The only thing that exists is this moment, right now. We can not determine what lies ahead for us by looking back. Just because something happened in the past does not mean it will happen in the future.

All offenses are given, and like anything given, it is up to us to decide to take them, to receive them. We can also choose, just as easily, to refuse them. True freedom lies in releasing and letting go of all our attachments to any negative belief, feeling or mindset. If we continually relieve negative things from the past, we give those who, in our perception, did these things to us power over us. They continue to do what we say they did to use years after they originally did it.

If we refuse to forgive, to let go, to release, if we remain attached to those things that make us feel bad, that do not feel good, it will change us. It will age us. It will affect our health. We are literally poisoning ourselves. We are literally feeding ourselves a steady dose of poison, until it becomes a tumor, a heart condition, a stroke or some other physical issue within us, that either kills us or makes us a prisoner in our own bodies.

Don’t do this to yourself. If you have some mental list of all perceived offenses, burn it. Visualize it in you mind being set ablaze, then release it to the four winds. Free yourself. It is the harder path. Some of the things we have drawn into our experience are horrific. But they can only continue to affect us as long as we allow them to.

Checking In…

I find myself in a strange place. I found the game Creativerse, and from that found Minecraft. Most of my free time was spent playing Creativerse during this last quarter or two at college. Now a lot of my time is spent playing Minecraft. These games hit all the right buttons. Solution Discovery. Building. Creating. They also have combat and survival. I am not so much into the combat of Creativerse, and finding it annoying but engaging in Minecraft. There is little to survival in Creativerse, but you have to feed yourself in Minecraft, which is annoying.

I never considered myself to be a cheater, but I use cheat commands in Minecraft. That is the only way to retain the items I am carrying on death and to fast travel anywhere in the world, because I die a LOT. I am currently spending my time fortifying a village. I knew there was one nearby when the zombie children started attacking me. I didn’t know where, I did look but decided to use the /locate Village command. Just easier. I found that, contrary to everything I had read, I had a village in the forest, positioned over a large crack in the ground! Very interesting! I died a few times getting the y axis (up and down) right, as the locate command just gave me y(?)

I could fly in Creativerse and not have to worry too much about dying from height. So I wouldn’t use commands like that in Creativerse, assuming they even existed. But they are essential in Minecraft. Because ultimately I am there to enjoy myself. I want to experiment and learn as much as possible. But I do not wish to spend countless hours and lives looking for some things. I actually find the mining to be relaxing in Minecraft so far. It is more stressful for some reason in Creativerse. Also in Minecraft there is something satisfying about pulling out my shield and sword and kicking the collective asses of any monsters that come near me.

I could claim, and rightly so, that I deserve this down time I now have. I have wrapped up just over a year at Clark College, and I consider myself to have also finished what I started between 2004-2007 at Lower Columbia College. All that is left are the formalities, I am a college graduate. I am graduating, with honors, a member of PTK, with a two-year degree in computer support. Why doesn’t this carry more weight with me? Is it because I see the system as ultimately broken, that I don’t truly believe for a second that this degree, no matter how high a GPA I have, guarantees me any sort of high-paying job that I would want? At least I am not expecting to graduate from a cracked bowl to a silver platter!

I am reading a lot of Minecraft books, many of which are now out of date. A lot of the old-timers who wrote them, a lot of the work featured in them, are all gone now. I am also reading Godfre’ Ray King’s, “Unveiled Mysteries.” As I read the fascinating accounts in this book, I can’t help but think about Myst and the whole universe Rand + Robyn Miller created. I wonder if they read this books and were inspired by them? Ancient chambers hidden around the world, from 14,000 years ago or more, sealed until such time as humanity is ready for them. I believe what I am reading. I hope I can, at least in astral form, “see” some of this for myself.

We think we are so far advanced in modern society today. But what this book and other sources teach us is that this is just one of many mighty human civilizations. The earth and humanity is far older than we have been taught. Also we constantly see how ancient peoples in our own age have been able to do things that we, even with our modern tools and processes, have been unable to replicate. Case in point I watched an episode of Forged In Fire last night, season 4, a scythe-like blade with origins from Africa called the Makraka.

One of the two finalist blacksmiths even referred to this fact. Here they are with modern forges trying to fashion a blade that how ever many hundreds of years ago the African people did with presumably rudimentary tools, no quenching oil. They probably used coal forges and water. Or maybe they didn’t even have that. Yet they could craft this complicated, curved blade that was sharp and powerful enough to behead someone or remove their limbs. One of the finalist blades couldn’t even cut all the way through a watermelon!

There are holes drilled in certain pieces of Egyptian architecture from a time when they did not have hard metal tools to drill with. These holes were drilled into sandstone. That was just one step, they also had to cut these huge stones and move them, and today we would be unable to move them even with our most powerful cranes!

It saddens me that we accept what they teach us in history class. That we never question the things they teach us. That we never explore any of these ancient mysteries. Then when someone postulates a theory about ancient civilizations like Atlantis we mock them. Yet we never leave our armchair. We never do more than read the books forced on us in school, and we think from that we have all the facts. Bullshit!

Back at the turn of the century a man was mocked because he believed there was an advanced civilization in the jungles of South America and the amazon. Those who mocked him were judging solely on the primitive tribes in the area. Yet just recently a scientist has had a plane go over certain parts of the jungle with LIDAR, and found not just new temples, but an entire vast city with roads connecting everything, all hidden under the jungle vegetation! Tens of thousands of people lived there, taming the jungle to do so!

Someone tells us the world is round and at best we laugh at them, at worst we burn them at a stake and declare them to be a witch. But time proves that the world is indeed round, a fact we all accept as truth now. We laugh at the primitive peoples and their shamans, but there are things we are learning from these people even today. I am disappointed with the human race in general. Disgusted even. How many more millenia will it take for us to throw off all the bullshit and garbage and become a permanently spiritually developed society? One with technological marvels and spiritual wonders to match?

But these questions are useless right now. I will graduate this June and then I must go somewhere. I must have somewhere to go. And for all my fuming and venting against my fellow humans, I can’t even figure out where it is I will go, or what it is I will do. I don’t deserve to criticize or judge anyone. I am a success and a failure at the same time. If I can’t figure out my own life, I certainly am not going to help anyone else, singularly or collectively, figure out theirs.

My only consolation is that at least I don’t go around assuming I know everything, and that the things people tell me are the absolute truth. At least I know better. I can feel out a thing and decide for myself if I want to believe it, and if the time comes to let a belief go, it is effortless for me. It never used to be. At least I have that. At least I am open more to mystery and the unknown.

What will I do next? I do not know. I did think about this once and figured out what I am here to do until the time of my departure. But I have forgotten. I did not write it down. Again I am failing. I struggle so much with certain things. I have to trust that I will remember, if it is important. And I know what I would like to do. I would like to attend the Digipen Institute in Redmond, WA. I would like to pursue a degree in Game Art and Design, continuing along the scholar path. It suits me. But I am relying completely on Source, and ultimately others, for the funds to do this. I may not have Financial Aid, and I will not take any loans. It has to be donations, grants, scholarships or some other channel Source may use. Will I get to go? We shall see. The end of the year will reveal all.

But I definitely need to address certain issues within me. Friend-keeping for one thing. I have been terrible at this. I play Creativerse and Minecraft online in part to make friends. An old friend recently contact me on Facebook, which I rarely visit and where I may soon delete my account. We talked a little but I seem to have no interest in communicating with him further. What is wrong with me? I want friends, then I don’t want to talk to them? I would rather play my games. But I am also feeling alone and very lonely. Why is it between the two undesirable choices of feeling lonely or communicating with another I gravitate toward loneliness, when I am so sick of feeling that emotion? So many questions and far too few answers. I wish I could understand. I wish I knew more. I hope I figure this shit out.

I am gonna go work on my fortifications for that village.

Problem Solving VS Solution Discovery

In the wake of a realization I am in the habit of posting an article at my blog:

This helps me to work things out, share what I learn and, ideally, help others at the same time. I can get things off my chest, in other words.

Well I had a realization the other day, and though I am not remembering its source I want to share it with you. Last quarter one of my “classes” was CTEC 290, if I recall the number correctly. Working at the Penguin Help Desk, a service of free technical support and computer repair that the college provides the community. I had a lot of credits that quarter and I remember I was constantly exhausted. Looking back I think I see part of the reason why.

It has become my recently adopted belief that, to quote Abraham through Esther Hicks, “We get what we ask for whether we want it or not.” Our asking comes from our focus. Where we are putting our energy. If our energy and focus is on something we do not want, such as cancer, we will bring cancer into our lives in some way. If instead we put our energy and focus on something we want, such as perfect health, we bring perfect health into our lives.

There is a time delay as our request comes into the physical world. So if we catch ourselves we can consciously choose to focus on what we want instead of what we don’t want, and change what we are drawing to us.

Let me give you an example from my personal life… When I worked PHD last quarter we were overwhelmed with laptops that had software issues. Not only that, many of the laptops had the same issues and were even the same model! Naturally there was a lot of complaining about this. None of us wanted to be fixing laptops, especially laptops with software issues. We all wanted to be doing something more interesting, like upgrading computers.

I can not speak for my co-workers, only give you my response. I would sit down with a laptop for hours at a time, focusing on the issue or problem it had, trying to fix it. I put an enormous amount of energy into this, and I am convinced now that is part of the reason why I was so exhausted by the time I went home I literally passed out on the bus almost as soon as I sat down. I fought with some sort of sickness all quarter and sometimes couldn’t even walk straight.

Because I put so much effort, energy and focus into problem solving, which I used to say I specialized in, I received more laptops with software problems, and in my cases the same issues with new twists that I had to solve. To put it simply, I complained about how high the mountain was at the same time I was dumping millions of tons of additional material on it. I kept climbing to the top and never reached the summit!

I realize my mistake now. I identified myself as a problem solver. I saw this as something I enjoy doing, and I do. But the tendency is to focus, in minute detail, on the problem, instead its solution. Additionally if you are someone who likes to problem solve, whenever a problem arises, you habitually seek to fix it. One thing I had learned before last quarter is that I can not fix everyone’s problems. For every one I fix, there will be another.

This is mostly in reference to my parents and our living situation. Nobody at college knows this as I don’t talk about it, but I live in a 40′ motorhome with my parents parked on some land about an hour from the campus. We have no hot water, as the hot water heater died. The toilet broke so that had to be replaced. The sink broke so that had to be replaced. The front heater is broken and has to be replaced, and the rear heater may soon follow. Also we have no direct access to sewage hookup, and water gets to us through a hose, which can and did freeze occasionally during the winter. As for the sewage, we take it by bucket to a dumping access pipe by the house of the people whose land we stay on.

Of course the problems don’t end with the RV. There are bills to pay, phones that must be upgraded (no room left in their internal memory) and general arguments between my parents. I used to play mediator and referee. But I came to understand something. That my parents have their own lives to live, and have to work their own shit out, pardon the swearing. But the word is apt in this case.

As I have lived in this situation I have also come to see that no matter how much money I give them for bills, or how many bills I help cover, or how many things I get fixed on the RV, more things will crop up. Because it is not about me. These are things my parents have put their energy and focus into. The bills. The RV. So they have to work things out for themselves, learn what they put themselves into this situation to learn, and I have to do the same.

Now, in addition to this, I see that in problem solving, the focus is on a problem that must be solved. In troubleshooting the focus is on trouble that is being avoided. Through my work at PHD I was far too focused on the problems that had to be solved. I put all my energy and focus into them. Instead I should have been focused on solutions. Solution focused, not problem focused. Solution oriented, not problem oriented. I must be, and am now practicing and training myself to be, a “Solution Finder” or “Solution Discoverer” instead of a problem solver. I like the phrase “Solution Discovery” best. From now on, when listing my interests and strengths, I will use solution discovery instead of problem solving.

There is a lot of resistance to the idea in New Thought and Law of Attraction teachings of focusing on what you want, what you desire, what makes you feel good. Either people think this is lazy or selfish. Here is what I am convinced is true… Had I been focused on the solution for each computer that came into PHD, accepting each one as it came to me, but visualizing in my mind’s eye it working perfectly and the customer happily picking it up, there would have been few laptops with software issues coming my way, and I would not have worn myself out trying to fix an almost never-ending mountain of problems

Furthermore, if I had visualized customers coming to the help desk asking us to upgrade or build computers for them, we would have had more computers to build and upgrade. But most important of all, I would have felt better. Even if things were exactly the same, if my attitude and mindset, my energy and focus, had been on the solution or desired outcome, as well as my desired experience, I would have felt better. You can’t put a price on that. Let others think what they will. I will use the opportunities I have to practice new ways of thinking, because as far as I am concerned the old ways of thinking are not to my benefit, and they do not work.

But unfortunately, probably much like the others, my thought process every time I saw a laptop come in was something like, “Oh no! Another laptop with software issues!” I was a good worker and am a good student. I put my nose on that grindstone and left it there until there was nothing left. But that sucked a lot of enjoyment out of the experience and left me emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and weak. I almost wish I could take the class again and, this time, get it right.

I know there is a difference in what happened when I was at the PHD and what is happening now. They have far less computers at PHD right now. Some would likely say that it’s the quarter, that it is just slow. But I see a definite difference in the types of things happening in the help desk now than from when I worked there. Different people, different energy and focus, different experiences. End of story.

As I have been given the opportunity to sort of supervise the help desk, I will, from this moment on, focus on the solution or desired outcome for anything that comes my way. I am no longer putting any energy or focus on problems. I am now directing all my energy and effort toward solutions and desired outcomes. On whatever it is that makes me feel better when I think about it. If whatever I am thinking about does not make me feel good, I am, from now on, stopping and choosing to change my thoughts about the subject to what feels good.

It will be interesting to see what effect this has, not only on me, but also for those currently working the help desk.