Meditation and Manifestation

I have been thinking about this a little today. In the past I have a few examples I can recall where I visualized something I wanted and I fought tooth and nail to keep the image of what I wanted in mind. The results were never satisfactory; even when I succeeded it infected and darkened the experience of getting what I wanted.

I thought, for some reason, about meditation. How you gently keep coming back to the “object of your attention.” I realized that the same process applies to manifestation! You just gently keep coming back to the visualization of whatever it is you want to manifest in your life. But you aren’t the one manifesting anything.

There are two indicators here… If in visualizing something you want you feel like you are clenching your fists, if you feel any sort of stress or tightness about it, then you are putting in too much effort. You are attached to a particular outcome. As Abraham teaches through Esther Hicks, how you feel is your indicator.

The other indicator is, if in talking or writing about what you want, the phrase, “trying to manifest” comes up in any form. If it does, once again, you are putting in too much effort. You are trying to make something happen. You are attached to a particular outcome. As I said it feels like clenched fists, or clenched teeth, or some sort of tightness in your body.

There is the initial effort required, at least at first, to keep bringing your focus back to the object of your attention, the visualization in some way of the thing you want. So it is not completely effortless as I may have stated before. It does require a minimum amount of effort to practice awareness and to bring your focus back to your object of attention. But that’s all the effort you need, no more.

The phrase I came up with is to be, “firmly relaxed” about whatever it is you want. In my case I want $40.00 in my back account. So I see the $40.00, in bold, as if I were looking at it through my bank’s web page. I was initially afraid that I was doing it wrong again. I remember when I was picturing a nice place to stay once for my my parents and I, how hard it was, how much stress it caused, and we did not get a nice place.

But I see that my feelings then were more “clench fists” then. Right now, whenever my mind wanders back to the subject of my bank account, I just see this image of $40.00 in bold. I don’t hold it there, don’t do anything with it. Just a gentle process of bringing it back to the object of my attention. I am definitely not attached to this, and am firmly relaxed about it.

So if you are familiar with the process of meditation, apply it to the process of manifestation. Practice being firmly relaxed about it. Keep bringing your focus back to the object of your attention, in this case some sort of image, in your mind or maybe a picture on your wall that brings it to mind. In visualizing it bring in as much of the five physical senses as possible. Think about what it will be like to have it. As much as you can, feel what you would feel once you have it.

Understand that in our society it is not natural or normal to think in this way. That is not how we are raised as children, as a general rule. So for most of us we have to practice being firmly relaxed, until we have that inner knowing, that trust which is more than belief, that the thing we are envisioning will show up in our lives, exactly as we want it and exactly when we need it. Once we have that inner knowing trust it will be natural for us to be firmly relaxed. We will be free of all fear-based feeling, which includes doubt and worry.

For now, for most of us, we just have to practice holding loosely, or being firmly relaxed, with whatever it is we are visualizing. I don’t think the manifestation teachings cover this very well, but it is important and vital to the process. I will let you know how my own experience goes. I will be applying everything I have said here to the process.


What Happened?

I have talked a little about this before, using what I learned while reading, “The Big Leap” after I totaled the Lexus. Just a few additional thoughts have come up now after seeing a beautiful painting i have shared on Facebook, done by an artist who died in poverty, and from the quality of their work, this is something that should not have happened. Yet is has happened, over and over again, and continues to happen, to artists from all walks of life all over the world.

There is an author that inspired Louis L. Hay, her name was Florence Scovel Shinn. She was a New Thought writer, along with many other wonderful authors such as Emmet Fox.  But despite what she knew, despite her teachings, she too died in poverty. I always wondered how that could happen. How could someone who purports to know how the Universe works die in poverty? Is it their teachings do not work? I am not so quick to jump to that solution.

The artist whose work I shared was an excellent artist. It was not due to low quality work that he died in poverty. No. Similarly the quality of the Mrs. Shinn’s writing was not poor. It was not wrong teachings that brought about what happened to her. I think there are two aspects of this to consider:
1. Knowing or understanding something intellectually is not the same as experiencing  and living it.
2. Self-limiting behavior has to be addressed for an individual to be successful.

My guess is that this artist, and Mrs. Shinn, each died in poverty because of self-limiting behavior. Perhaps the artist never believed in himself as an artist. Perhaps the writer never believed in herself as a writer. Maybe the author never came to experienced or lived the things she taught. Maybe both of them had been poor all their lives and that was their comfort level. Strange as it may sound, but you can get comfortable with the circumstances and situation of your life. How many citizens considered to be low-income make it out of the housing developments AKA the projects? How many make it out only to either be killed or kill themselves? I am stuck in an RV with my parents.

I think we can trace all of this back to self-limiting behavior. We sabotage ourselves if we wander too far outside of our comfort zone. There is a dragon that must be slain, and self-limitation is the name of that loathsome beast. We have to figure out how to allow ourselves to have better lives, to experience success, to be accepted in our various fields. We have to become aware of anything that we do that is meant to hold us back, or destroy any progress or success we may have had. Definitely buy and read this book:

It is the only text covering this material I have found. And I suspect it is the most important subject you could ever study. Because it doesn’t matter how many times you listen to excellent teachings from sources such as Abraham or Wayne Dyer or Louise Hay or anyone else – anything that is helping you in your growth, in building the life you want for yourself, needs to include the subject of self-limiting and sabotaging behaviors, and I can not recall seeing it in any of these sources.

Why do people who win the lottery end up unhappy and in a worse state than they were before? I bet you want to blame the money. Society and particularity the Christian religion want you to see money as the evil beast that must be slain. It is not the money that is evil. Money is just pieces of paper with an assigned value. No, it is sudden success which wakes the real enemy, that wily serpent of self-limitation. It also wakes up in many of those who are around the suddenly successful person, resulting in all sorts of attempts to control behavior and preserve the status quo.

None of those involved can help it, because like your Inner Critic, the voice of self-limitation, if it is not speaking directly through your Inner Critic, is talking to you very softly, at a level you can not consciously hear, unless you train yourself to become aware of it, just as you would train yourself to become aware of your Inner Critic. You have to be aware of these voices before you can consciously choose not to heed anything they say.

If there is anything in this world that should be utterly destroyed it is the status quo, and anything else used to control, limit or restrict people.

For now, assume the teachings are sound. Release and let go of your doubt. Practice consciously listening to anything that is attempting to limit or sabotage you. Release and let go of this stupid assumption that just because something has always been done a certain way, that is the best or only way to do it. It isn’t. Just because you have been a certain way your whole life, it doesn’t follow that you must always be that way. Challenge and question everything.

If you are going to believe something, hold it loosely, don’t make it a part of your identity. Practice openness and receptivity. Allow yourself to change, develop and grow. Try to personally experience anything you have come to know or understand. Embrace happiness, joy, success and any other good thing that comes your way. Release and let go of anything that makes you feel bad, keeps you from enjoying life or removes the pleasure of living it.

You can do this, you can, and will, succeed. Don’t just believe it, know it. Don’t just know it, rest in form assurance, knowing it is true.


There are a number of things I am resistant to. I find resistance when I try to write, when I try to make time for singing and when I want to draw. I feel resistance to my intention to buy a set of Legos to play with, a way of getting in touch with my inner child. I also find resistance when I want to walk around naked or masturbate. Yet in every instance I can not find a single good thing about resistance, a single reason why I should listen to it.

For me resistance feels like a holding back, a putting on the brakes. It’s the angel on one shoulder and the demon on the other, each whispering into my ear of what I should or should not do. I think resistance is actually the voice of my parents and those who raised me, my former religion and my society, sourced from the beliefs I have adopted from all of these. In my opinion resistance serves only one useful purpose, and that is it gives you something to run toward.

“But wait!” you say, “You shouldn’t run around naked or masturbate. That’s bad (or wrong, or uncivilized or it just isn’t something anyone should do).” While I can not argue that these behaviors are not seen as being acceptable to do within the general public, I will argue that masturbation or running around naked are not at all bad, or wrong, or anything negative at all. In these instances resistance serves to reinforce fear, guilt and shame. These are devices constructed by man to control man’s behavior.

In an ideal society you would be able to walk around naked and masturbate whenever and wherever you like. You would be able to have sex with any willing partner. And the interesting thing is such a society would not be one long hedonistic orgy, because such things would no longer have any stigma attached to them. Since people would be free to do them, they would not do them very much. Far less than they do them now. Why? Because, as I have said before, resistance makes whatever you are resisting stronger.

You have to get at the root cause of the external symptom. Let’s say that you are very angry with someone, to the point you wish to hit them. If you hit them you are being resistant, and if you resist hitting them you are being resistant. The urge to hit is a symptom caused by fear or hurt. The person you are angry with has hurt you, or you are afraid of loosing your relationship with them.

If you hit them you are denying the healthy expression you need. You have resistance to expressing to them that you are afraid, angry or hurt. If you resist hitting them but say nothing, maybe you just turn and walk away, again you have resistance to expressing to them that you are afraid, angry or hurt. You have to do what you resist, and hitting them is not what you are really resisting. What you are really resisting is expressing yourself to them, typically through communication.

So when it comes to something that would hurt you or another, I am not saying you need to push through your resistance and do it anyway. I am not encouraging you to do anything that would harm you or another person. I am saying that in these cases you have to get down to the root cause and do the thing you are actually resisting. It will likely involve allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel and expressing what you feel. Striking out is not expressing what you feel. It is a symptom resisting what you feel. What you feel and are resisting is the cause, and the course of action is to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel.

So if you are about to buy something, do something or go somewhere, and you feel that familiar twinge of resistance, I suggest running straight at it immediately, without hesitation, no matter what it is. Just drop everything and run at it like your life depends on it. Run after it like whatever you are resisting is the most important thing in the world. Because my guess is that whatever you are resisting is extremely important to you.

Susan Jeffers covers this in, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway,” in Chapter 9, “Just nod your head and say yes.” The Buddhists teach non-attachment. These are both alternative ways to deal with the same thing. If you stop denying (resisting) your life or any undesirable aspects of it, and instead just nod your head and say yes to it, in that acceptance of it you stop holding yourself back. As long as you resist your life or any undesirable aspects of it you are holding yourself back from changing whatever it is you want to change. As for the Buddhist teachings, if you are attached to something, that means you are attached to a particular outcome, and are resistant to any other. By practicing non-attachment you are essentially practicing non-resistance.

You have to embrace something before you can let it go.

In my case I need to stop being ashamed of being naked or masturbating. I should be able to experience joy in both activities. They should be seen as a blessing, not a curse. And the Legos? My doubt about buying the set I want, the Architectural Set, when I saw the price is precisely why I must buy it. I have denied myself any fun. My inner artist is starving, and I feed the inner artist by honoring my inner child. I see clearly now that my resistance is showing me that buying that set, no matter the price, is exactly what I must do. The thought of being embarrassed to have my parents see me playing with them, building with them, also confirms that I need them.

My parents and others may see it as a waste. But I know better. I know that buying them will open me to more money, will bring me joy, and will help me think about the house of my dreams, how I would like to design and build it. My parents punished me when I was a child. They made me go to sleep in a bed filled with Legos. threatening punishment as I recall if I made any noise. They removed the joy of this from me. They also removed the joy of playing an instrument from me, and they never encouraged my desire to sing or learn music.

I have to right the wrongs of the past and undo the damage that has been done in order to completely heal these wounds. Only when they are fully healed will I find more freedom in creativity, in expressing myself artistically.

What is it that you are resisting? Is there something you have not bought for yourself because it’s silly, it makes no sense, you have bills to pay, etc.? If there is, buy it. Ignore everything else. Your resistance is showing you clearly what you need. You may meet with resistance coming from others to your purchase or chosen course of action. But in some way your life has gone off course, and paying attention to these little indications and signs will get you back on course.

That’s what I think anyway. I will certainly report back here with any developments or progress on my end, once I have purchased the Legos and started playing with them.

An Untenable Judgment

Years ago when I was a child (and as I have probably said many times before, I may have said this before) a teacher took me aside at Hudson Park Elementary (I think I even remember exactly where this happened) and told me that the world did not revolve around me. I think at the time I had been stealing or something. Not sure exactly all the effects this had on me, but I think I stopped stealing and created the foundation for a Nice Guy persona. Here is a book to explain that:

Now I can not be sure of the teacher’s motivations here. Everyone is raised within the confines of their family belief systems. Maybe the teacher was trying to help, maybe they were trying to hurt me, maybe they were trying to shake me up a little. But ultimately the labels “selfishness” and “self-centeredness” are applied to an individual as a way of controlling behavior that is believed to be, or is seen to be, undesirable in some way or wrong.

I am only going to say this once… The world, even the entire universe, does revolve around you. Or more accurately, your world, your universe revolves around you. Everyone that can look up and see the moon will see the moon. But everyone will have a different way of interpreting and perceiving the same object, and all of them will not be seeing the object as it really is, outside of all those associations, beliefs, interpretations and judgments. An enlightened person, meaning one who can see things as they are, will see the moon as it is. I have no reference to draw from here. They probably wouldn’t even assign a name or label to it.

The point is, no two people experience reality in exactly the same way. We all live inside the orbits of our own belief systems, habitual patterns of thought and perceptions. This is why one person can pick up a penny and joyously thank the Universe for its provision, while another may walk on past or kick it into the gutter. Guess which person likely has more money in their life?

Also being selfish or self-centered doesn’t necessarily mean you also believe the earth and the universe rotate about you. In fact I doubt if anyone labeled normal would believe that. And even if someone did, what makes that wrong? You can throw all the science you want at me, that still doesn’t make one person’s unique viewpoint any more or less valid than any other.

It also doesn’t necessarily follow that being selfish or self-centered is wrong. A baby is selfish, does that mean you punish him or her every time they demand you feed them or clean their diaper? Maybe some parents do, and god help them when their children grow up. Because when those parents are in diapers, baby-like and in need of care, what do you think the children will do? They can draw from what they have learned. They will only repeat the lessons their parents taught them. Are you in a nursing home, with children who never visit and don’t seem to care about you? Ask yourself, how did you treat them when they were helpless and dependant on you? Be brutally honest, you are far too mature not to face the truth.

We have to be selfish, because we have to take care of ourselves. If we fall into the Nice Guy (or Good Girl) trap, we will put the needs of others ahead of our own, looking for all the world incredibly selfless, but our motivations will not be pure. We will not really want to be doing the things we want to do. Our heart will not be in it, and if our heart is not in what we do, doesn’t that make us heartless? Aren’t we acting heartlessly? Think about that for a moment.

If we are self-centered I guess that means we act like, and truly believe, that only we matter. We may be arrogant and conceited. But the issue is not whether or not we are self-centered. The issue is why we are acting this way. Could it be that we have an over-inflated idea of ourselves because ultimately, we feel we are full of hot air? That we don’t matter, that nobody cares about us? Isn’t a low self-esteem why we don the role of self-centeredness?

The solution is not to criticize and judge others for behavior we do not agree with. Fuck that. And fuck trying to control the behavior of others. Anyone on that quest is acting like Don Quixote, chasing windmills. The solution is to be motivated by love, for ourselves and for others. Period.

So to that long-ago teacher, you screwed up. You were not motivated by love in what you did. You were motivated by the desire to dominate a child and control their behavior. This was very irresponsible of you. The end result is that child, now a grown man, has an incredible amount of crap to clean out that he inherited from his family, their religion, and society. He became a Nice Guy, meaning he wasn’t really nice at all. He has since begun to address these and other issues. But at the root of every issue he has are the things the adults in his life did and said to him when he was a child.

You were one of those adults. If you knew how to motivate the children in your care with love, that is how you should have proceeded. But chances are you didn’t know better. So while you are partly responsible, I do not blame you. I hold no grudge towards you. I understand, all too clearly, how we are all prisoners of our beliefs, adopted, inherited and picked up by ourselves.

Instead I will point out to you, and every other adult in any position of authority, the incredible responsibility we have. Adolf Hitler is thought to be one of humanity’s greatest monsters. But this is an incorrect point of view. The real monsters are the adults who contributed to raising Hitler to be who he became. Without those adult influences, there would be no Adolf Hitler, except maybe as a painter. Imagine if he had been raised by those motivated purely by love. People who loved him and supported him. People who encouraged his artistic ambitions. We would have seen more of this:

And less of this:

And none of your bullshit about, “Oh poor Hitler, he wasn’t loved enough!” in some sarcastic tone of voice. You are damn right he wasn’t loved enough, and this is just one blatant historical example of what happens to a child who is raised by adults that would rather control their child’s behavior than actually be motivated by love in their parenting! Maybe Hitler’s parents didn’t know any better, so couldn’t do any better. I don’t know. I am not a historian. I just know that all monsters are created, or rather raised, not born. I don’t care what proof you have to the contrary. Any exception proves the rule.

It’s time to stop fucking around and face the truth. Raise your children with love, motivated by love, or don’t bother having them at all. Give them away to adoption, send them to live with relatives, do whatever you have to do. But don’t try raising them unless you can do so motivated by love. If you are yelling at them, telling them they are bad or wrong, that they shouldn’t do this or that, you are trying to control their behavior and are not motivated by love. Your children are not your slaves, nor your dogs to be whipped into obedience and submission. Your religious beliefs are no excuse. You are responsible for the adult this child will become. Ask yourself honestly what kind of adult are you raising?

I don’t know about you but I would rather see more beautiful paintings and less episodes of genocide, holocausts and war. The kind of future we will have is not in the hands of our children, but those who are raising them. Our children will only repeat the behaviors they learned from us, or that were beaten into them. Not everyone will be imprisoned this way, there are a few who escape. But none of us escape undamaged. We all bear the scars of being raised by those who were not motivated by love.

Dating Apps, Services, Sites – A RANT

BE WARNED! The post that follows is a rant, and may be highly offensive to some. It concerns my feelings and opinions about women and online dating.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I am not enlightened, as far as I know, but even if I was, I am still human, and I would still feel. The only difference is that maybe an enlightened person would handle their feelings better.

So last year I entered the online dating scene with OK Cupid, which I may have posted about here, or maybe at my tech blog. Briefly the things I encountered were:

OK Cupid’s system, like many other dating app and service systems, basically put me in a group with fat, older people because I am overweight and over 40. So the majority of the “matches” I got had nothing to do with what I wanted. They were all overweight, undesirable fat women. I have run across this again in a dating app I tried, only that app added women with children. Basically OK cupid and this dating app, and other apps and services, ignore completely what you write out as a preference. If you want to be “matched” with young, beautiful women, you have to list yourself as a young, beautiful guy. Be sure if you do this that you add  a disclaimer to your profile.

Many women demanded a number of courtesies, but could not be bothered to reply even to the nicest, most complimentary comment from me. I have run across this many times too. I never send dick picks, I never say anything like, “Hey baby, you’re sexy! Wanna come over to my house?” I always read the woman’s profiles, ALWAYS, and my contact always references their profile in some way, for those few women that even bother to provide a profile. I think in all my time at OK Cupid I received one response. In a dating app I am using, I replied to a woman and then she just stopped talking to me, for no reason and without explanation.

Something I noticed more now in the dating apps, but likely was present at OK Cupid, is a lot, and I mean a LOT, of women posting headshots. The do something, either using younger pictures, or photoshoping, or doing themselves up in some way, to hide the fact that they are really overweight. LISTEN ALL YOU FAT WOMEN! I understand why you are doing this. The majority of red-blooded males are not interested in you. I know how you feel, because I have liked probably a couple hundred women by now in various dating apps yet received no responses from anyone I liked. Those women probably feel about me the way I feel about you. But just stop it. You are not fooling anyone, and you are causing more pain for yourself and others in the long run.

I met someone in the Amino App not that long ago. She posted headshots, and they made her look like a highly desirable, sexy young woman. I was very interested in her. I started talking to her, we hit it off despite an extreme age difference. But then, a week or two into our “relationship”, she let slip something, and alarm bells went off, so I asked for some full body pictures. Understand I have never hidden the fact that I am overweight. Not once. Nor did I hide my age in this instance. She knew all about me, I was 100% honest with her. She sent the shots. She at least did that much. what I saw had nothing to do with her headshots. I saw a very fat, not even pretty female that only vaguely resembled her headshots. They were probably taken of her at a much younger age. I cut it off with her then and there. Not just because she was fat, not even primarily. But because she deceived me and lied to me.

So all your fat chicks, PAY ATTENTION! DO NOT DECEIVE, DO NOT LIE! If you think that you are still pretty sexy despite the fat content of your body, and there are some cases where this is true, post nude pics or pics where you wear very little, in good lighting, of good quality, showing your whole body. TO ALL WOMEN IN GENERAL! Stop holding back, if your app or service allows nude shots provide them. Nothing sexual, just you, naked, no need for makeup, doing yourself up in some way or photoshopping. This is one way of being 100% honest about yourself, what a potential mate will see when you two get to that point in your relationship. If you can’t do nudes, get as close as you can. Barefoot too, hide nothing. AND STOP THE SNAP CHAT DOG EARS AND FUNNY FACES!!!

Now to the really offensive stuff… I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANY LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP! That is why I put short-term or dating on my dating profiles. It is not that I am closed to going long-term, not at all. But I want one thing, and one thing only… YOU NAKED, IN FRONT OF ME, SOON LYING ON MY BED, SO I CAN PLEASURE YOU, THEN MAKE LOVE TO YOU. Have I made myself clear? The only thing I care about initially is sex. That is all that matters, that is all that is important. I could spend hours explaining myself to you, but I won’t. IF YOU DON’T LOOK GOOD NAKED, THEN I AM NOT INTERESTED. I will be the judge of how desirable you are. You may think you do not look good naked, but the only opinion here that counts is mine.

Some people look good naked, despite their age or excess body fat, because they are beautiful inside. Some look ugly, despite having a beautiful body, because they are ugly inside. Some girls I just see too many of, so I swipe left. How many mountain climbing, bicycle riding, dog loving tall blondes could there possible be in my area? At last count several hundred, just on the dating apps I am sure. I have nothing really against the typical tall, tanned, athletic blond woman. But I am an artist, and have an artist’s eye, and would like something a little more unique, if at all possible.

The plan here is to go out with you, and when you are ready, to pleasure you and then make love to you. If I enjoy how you look, and I enjoy you as a person, then I will want to continue being with you. Maybe we will choose to live together or get married, whatever it is you want. I want to enjoy your body for the next decade or so. I want to have copious amounts of sex, until I am satiated. I am like a thirsty man in a vast desert. When I find water, I will drink it until I make myself sick or kill myself. Because I have been far too long without it.

From these words you may get the impression I am some sex-crazed freak or maniac. Not so. If you knew what my life has been up to now, you would understand. I am a deeply spiritual person, interested in pleasing his lover and receiving pleasure in return. I am also very chivalrous and romantic. I am also a gentleman. I reserve the right to use any means at my disposal to get you naked and into my bed. But only insofar as you are willing. I will never use force of any kind. If I enjoy being with you, day and night, I will want to continue to be with you for as long as you want to be with me. While I do not subscribe anymore to religious-based patriarchal systems that seek to control women, I will still only be with one person at a time, and if that is you, then there will be no other until you have made it clear you no longer wish to be with me.

Which is why I also do not want to be with someone who has children. I can not satiate myself sexually if there are children in the picture. Also a child is a physical reminder that another guy has put his penis into your vagina (unless we’re talking artificial insemination or something.) Even though I may not be your first, I want at least the illusion that I am, by not having any evidence to the contrary. I am proud of the countless profiles I ave seen in my dating apps where the woman shows pictures of their child and/or says that they have children. If women could only be as honest about the current appearance of their body, I would be in seventh heaven!

Please do not misunderstand me. I do want to have children. I am not in any rush, I have YEARS of sex to catch up on before I have finally had enough, but I am willing to be a father, I wouldn’t even mind raising someone else’s child. But initially at least I don’t want to be with anyone who has children or has had children. Or has been married. Or is in a relationship. Single, available and without children – that is what I want. Also note that I have no STDs, and do not wish to receive any. That said I have no intention of wearing a condom. If you get pregnant, whether or not we are together, I will do my duty, on proof the child is mine. Your responsibility is to keep yourself clean, tell me if you have any diseases, or if you can’t have children for some reason, or any other physical thing going on.

If you have some strange genetic disease, cancer, or can’t have children that is not necessarily a deal breaker for me. There are many children that need good homes, so there are benefits to adopting when we are ready. If you are dying we can enjoy the time we have, and maybe I can influence you to heal yourself, or maybe you will heal, or maybe you will die and I will learn how to not be attached to you. But if you have anything communicable beyond the common cold I am not interested.

I am tired of all the bullshit, and I don’t have the time or the inclination to deal with it. You may be just as horny as me. Just be honest about it. Be honest about your body, the dis-eases it has, if any, and who you are. This whole dating/romance thing doesn’t have to be a game in order to be fun. Really who would enjoy a romance that plays out like a game of chess? Seriously! If I like you, contact me, even if it just to say you are not interested. Tell me that if it is true. If you want to give me a chance, chat with me. Go out on a date with me. I am holding nothing back here. You know what I want. Tell me what you want.

And for the love of God, leave politics and religion out of it! I am not sleeping with your god or you political views. They are not who you are. I am sleeping with you, who you are, your body, nothing more, nothing less. Throw out all that excess baggage you’ve been lugging around, release and let go of all your silly requirements (must be 6 feet tall because I wear high heels – I am, but seriously?) Strip all that crap off and the mask you wear as you will later remove your clothes and come to me nakedly just who you are. Is that really too much to ask? I promise I will be gentle with you, when we first begin to talk and when I later lay you in my bed. Or your bed. Or wherever we go. Don’t you want to be free to be yourself with someone? Just for once in your life?

I had to get these words out. They have been boiling and simmering inside of me for some time. I find these dating apps and services tedious at best. I am awkward and clumsy when it comes to talking to women in real life. I have no idea how to move from a pleasant smile and “Hi!” to “Would you like to go out with me?” Plus I have no car, no way to travel to Portland, where 95% of the women seem to be, I live with my parents in an RV, so the only privacy we can have is if I pitch a tent outside. I know I am undesirable and unattractive physically and circumstantially.

But I feel I have a right to have my needs met, and that it should not be like pulling teeth to do so. I am tired of being alone and missing out on things. I have a whole summer ahead of me, and I intend to get laid by the end of it. Preferably many, many times. I have to succeed this time. I am tired of failing. I am not a failure. I will succeed, and will do whatever it takes to make my desires happen, to meet my needs, and to make my dreams come true.

My Summer Reading List… and Some Music

Bit of an odd thing to post I guess, but I thought maybe some of you were curious as to what I am currently reading, or have read, this year. Also maybe place some music from YouTube in here that I have been listening to or working with. Leave a comment if you like this sort of post or not. I will do more if people like it or find it at all useful.

I have just started reading The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron:

I bought, some years ago, the slightly more expensive Complete Artist’s Way, but something at the time put me off the book. Resistance? Not at the right frequency or vibration? So it has been in storage for over a year now. Got this one at a book swap, and am studying it in the hopes I can turn on the idea spring inside me, because I am also studying Story Genius by Lisa Cron:

I want to write a novel according to this author’s process, but I need an idea I can run through the 4-step process. The problem is I have had few ideas for storiess for some time now.

Just finished You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay:

And just started All Is Well:

You Can Heal Your Life is a book you will want in your library. You will be returning to it many, many times. Reading it once through is not enough. There is so much packed into such loving, simple words. I am sure All Is Well will be the same.

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne:

There are so many copies of this around my area. The movie is also on Netflix!

Benjamin Hoff wrote The Tao of Poo and the Te of Tiger. I just picked up the Te of Tiger for $1.00 at my local library. It looks to be a funny, loving but wise book:

My singing teacher lent me Feel The Fear… And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers:

I don’t agree with all of the positive thinking stuff. If you struggle, put effort into thinking positively, then things begin to fall apart. You can’t make positive thinking happen by sheer strength of will. I have written along this subject before, based on my experience with a book a read by Michael Beckwith. You have to work on how you feel, you have to envision what it is you want and gently keep returning to this things. You allow yourself to have a more positive mindset, it is never created by force. Mrs. Jeffers does allude to this a little. The main thing about this book is that it helps you see a lot of things, like when you are not really taking responsibility to working through fear. It really is a transformative text.

Speaking of fear:

Speaking of transformative texts, both The Big Leap and Learning To Love Yourself by Gay Hendricks are must reads. In them you learn about how you limit and sabotage yourself. You learn how to accept and love yourself. These books, like Louis Hay’s, will need to be read multiple times. I have been resisting going through each of them again. But I will. I do not want to forget the many valuable lessons I have learned from these books.

I am only human afterall:

Been diving in Seth again, this time with Dreams and Projections of Consciousness by Jane Roberts (AKA Rupert):

It’s interesting that when I first started reading the Seth material I found it very hard to get into. But without my noticing it has become easier to read. The same thing happened to me as I was reading the Zen of Creativity by John Daido Loori:

I caught it that time because it happened as I read it. But in the case of the Seth material, I returned to it and I found I could read it easier. Another channeled text I recommend is Emmanuels’ Book by Pat Rodegast:

Someone donated this or something to the church library where I sometimes help out. The librarian there wanted me to look at this, see if it was acceptable for the library. Unless the library in question is for Christian Mystics, this text would not be acceptable for the average Christian, simply because it is channeled from some entity given the name Emmanuel. Just as they wouldn’t like Seth or Abraham, they would instantly, without reading it, hate this book. Which is sad. Because I got it not long after I totaled my car, this and Taking The Leap got me through that time in my life and helped me see a lot of things about myself.

Wherever the words in the book originated from, they are eloquent, loving, almost poetic. There are simple illustrations scattered in it, and it just makes this a beautiful book. I would have loved to see it done in a nice hardback edition with quality paper. Still every time I open my paperback with the corner on the front that is creased and its yellowed pages I feel like I am being given the biggest, most loving hug. I start my day reading just a little of this. And even as it loving me enfolds me, it gently instructs me. Please check this book out!

Every time we read material like the books I have listed here, every time we make those inner changes, sometimes quite painful, we become a little more conscious:

Of course I am still studying ACIM, a project going on over a year now:

It remains very hard to read. But I continue through the reading and the exercises.

Something I have just started is Mastermind:

Which purports to teach you how to think like Sherlock Holmes. I hope the Mind Palace stuff is in there too. I am still reading Rainer Maria Rilke:

For dating I am rocking The Geek’s Guide To Dating by Eric Smith:

Just got into the chapter on getting dressed for the date and am sensing I am in trouble there. Also You Probably Shouldn’t Write That by Lisa Hoehn:

For drawing I am working through You Can Draw In 30 Days by Mark Kistler:

For singing I am diving into Free Your Voice by Silvia Nakkach:

For fiction I am struggling through Tad William’s Otherland Volume 3 – Mountain of Black Glass:

Also 50 Shades of Grey because Lisa Cron says its an example of a good story:

I haven’t started it yet. Some more music I think:

From the end of the movie Collide. Here’s something unique:

Finally, in honor of the new Pirates of the Caribbean Movie:

May you find this list not only enjoyable and useful, but also transformative!


6-22-2017 – Status Report

I know it has been a long time since I have posed here. I could make excuses, all of them valid. I have been busy with college. I have been struggling with resistance. But the fact of the matter is that if something is truly important to you, if it truly matters, you will make time for it. In my case itr is not so much that this blog doesn’t matter. No, it is more that the other things I am pursuing matter more to me at this time.

But I wanted to come in here with a brief update. I guess to start with, just over a year ago in June, I headed to California on my bike, and ended up in Parkdale, WA., where I made my way back “home.” If home is where the heart is then my home is somewhere in California, or the Venice Canals, or Tokyo, even though I have not yet been to these places.

No, home for me is a motorhome my parents purchased, initially in Ridgefield, which is where I left, and now in Vancouver. That’s right, anyone coming to this page from Clark College. This Oswald Award Nominee and Recipient, on the Vice President’s list and now a member of Phi Theta Kappa, lives in a 30′ Class A RV parked on another family’s property with his parents. This 41 year old man, who has never been on a real date, never married, never had children, and other “nevers” besides, sleeps on a fold-down couch that hurts his back. He has no privacy, no hot water for a shower, and he gets to help his parents occasionally by draining out buckets of sewage and walking it to a sewer pipe located 200 feet or so away.

I say these things freely here. This is my blog. Maybe my only real home. If I can’t take everything off and let it all hang out here then I don’t know where else I would be able to do it. I will likely say little if any of this on the campus. I won’t bring it up in any conversation. I am not exactly hiding these things, but I am not going to boast either. I deserve to, and I have earned it, I am sure many would agree. But at this time I would rather keep quiet about all of this in the physical world. I know things posted here can leak out, but I am comforted by the fact that this blog is not very popular or well-visited. That suites me just fine.

I like this place to be a sort of meeting space, where like-minded people can hang out every once in awhile. I have made a few good friends here, and learned a lot in my years blogging. It’s nice to think that perhaps, just maybe, I have had some positive influence on the few who have come here. But back to…

So I am wrapping up my last year at Clark College. I am learning how to interact and socialize with people. I have made a few friends, but as long as I can count them on one hand it is far too few. I have installed a few dating apps on my phone: Brumble, Tinder, Clover and Blendr. Every day I left and right swipe numerous prospective females. Been contact just once, and the woman left the conversation without a word. I feel that maybe I can learn a valuable lesson here. That maybe I can use the LoA to my favor, and use the kinds of females I encounter on these services as a sort of guideline to my current vibrational level.

Speaking of Abraham-Hicks is speaking in Portland in just a few days. I really want to go, so if anyone has an extra ticket or something they would be willing to give me, please let me know! This time I will not go in with the wrong mindset like I did with I Am Light. I am learning more and more it is all about the flow, not force, not trying to make things happen.

After I wrap up at Clark I will graduate the following spring. Then I will either continue my education or seek out a job with the certifications I have earned. I have been studying Computer Support. As far as continuing my education, that will depend on whether or not I am granted an scholarships. I applied for the Foundation Scholarship at Clark, but was not selected.

When I am not in class or swiping left and right in dating apps I am drawing, which I have taken up again, learning piano, also something I have taken up again, and practicing singing. That’s new. I have learned I am a tenor, which is basically the male equivalent of a soprano. I just survived my first recital where I sung The Rose of Allandale. I am currently learning Let Me Fall and River.

I have also come to be aware of upper-limiting, and when I am doing that to myself. In addition to this I have come to see how I need to truly take responsibility, and when I am angry at something, I am not actually being responsible. So I have been making a lot of changes and using Habitica, an Android app, to help me establish good habits.

Still trying to get the whole novel writing thing figured out. Still studing LoA and manifestation and ACIM. Also started studying the process of dating. I honestly have no idea how to take things to the next level after I have started talking to a girl. Or I know and am making it hard on myself because of a lack of confidence. But at least I am going out and talking to various females, engaging them, making them smile.

I am learning a lot at this point in my life, and it isn’t just the college-related material. I am currently working on myself such that I no longer have anything inside me that would reflect my current life experience. That would instead reflect a better life experience, where I am with someone, standing on my own, living in my own place. Where I essentially have a place I call home.

OK, well I am falling asleep. Expect more updates through the summer as I am done (with school) until fall.


Reflections clash with reflections
clashing with reality,
No way to tell what is real
or meant to be,
Through this confusion
I must chart my course,
Following in the natural current
of my life and not using force.

I can not tell you what is right or wrong,

I can only point out these reflections
are here, then gone,
No way to pick
the right or wrong one,
You make a choice
and then you’re done,
So go with your feelings
and choose the best-feeling one.

Life of Confusion

I find myself repeating old, limiting patterns again. It would be so much easier to play the role of a victim. To point out all the things that are making things so difficult for me. To explain how hard my life is right now. To express how much pain I am going through.

But the fact of the matter is that I have nobody to blame but myself. Every… Single… thing in my life, everything, is there because I asked for it to be there. There are no exceptions. All the bad, what little good I can recall.

For most of my life I have vibrating at a frequency of failure. Of “don’t notice me” when I am around others. While this is changing, I still vibrate at the frequency today. The end result is that I am alone. I started vibrating at this frequency, I suspect, out of fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of failure. Unless I figure out how to raise my frequency, begin vibrating at whatever the frequency is that attracts others of higher vibrations into my life, I will die alone and mostly friendless. I will die a total failure. This will never change until I change.

For most of my life I have also been vibrating at a frequency that, I guess is something like “work sucks” or “I don’t want to work” or “I don’t want to end up like my dad.” Maybe a combination of all of these. As a result, I have been sabotaging myself in every job I have ever had. I am sabotaging myself in my jobs on campus right now. Unless I find a way to raise my frequency and vibration I will keep repeating this until I am aware of whatever it is that is asking for my attention, or until I have learned whatever it is I need to learn.

I could find blame with the people I have worked for and currently work for. Just as I could blame others around me for not noticing me or rejecting me. But if my work is not satisfactory, if I am not happy with it, if I want more of a challenge, or more responsibility, or whatever, I have to operate at the frequency for it. Getting another job does not solve the problem. I will just bring it with me into my new job. It will haunt me until the day I die or simply kill myself. I will never be able to support myself or stand on my own until I kick this motherfucker to the curb.

If my life is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of my life what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency for the life I want, not the life I am currently experiencing. If my work is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of it what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency of the work that I want, not the work I am currently experiencing.

One of the people I work for here at campus left me a scalding reply yesterday. I struggled with how to respond. Do I defend myself? Unless I am guilty, why would I feel the need? Defending myself proves that I am in the wrong, and I know it. The fact of the matter is that what they have said about me is the truth. Not the entire truth or the whole truth. There are forces at work in all our interactions with each other that few of us aware of. But as I look back on my work at that job, I see how I have been doing exactly what he says I have been doing.

While his intention may have been to point out a wrong, I understand that what I am actually getting here is a message from the Universe calling my attention to something I have been doing but have not been aware of doing. The Universe doesn’t give a shit about right or wrong. That’s a human concern. The Universe simply wants me to be who I truly am. It is simply pointing out what I need to be aware of, what I need to address. Because it knows the desires of my heart, and it can see how my actions at my work are not in alignment with the desires of my heart.

When you bend your finger far enough you will feel pain. Proceed and you will damage your finger. The pain isn’t to tell you that you are right or wrong for bending your finger that way. It is there to warn you that you are about to hurt yourself. This message from one of my bosses is just like that. I am being warned that if I continue I will hurt myself. But unlike a normal person who would usually stop once they feel pain, and not hurt themselves, I seem to have at tendency to ignore the warning and cause myself serious damage. I have done it again and again. If these were bones in my physical body, I think I might have broken every one by now! Not just broken, shattered.

The question remains, what do I do? I mean I know I need to be more aware. I know I need to operate at a higher frequency in regards to my work. But how do I do this, and do it consistently, until I have created the inner change required? How do I keep from forgetting what I have come to understand today so I don’t fall back into my old limiting patterns?

A few days ago I pointed out to a friend that they needed to be more mindful when doing their math. But the least mindful person in the room was actually me. Sure I can be mindful with some tasks, like working on math. My advice was good. But for the greater parts of my life I walk through it in a stupor. I am asleep, not aware of what I am doing at all, my mind off into the future or the past.

If it is off into the future, I am typically worried about something. Or hoping for something. Both are based off fear. If I am looking back into the past I am picking the scabs off old wounds. I am lost in regret or sorrow. Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my past that I can appreciate or be happy about? Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my future that I could appreciate and be happy about? Why are there always heavy, gray clouds threatening rain over the skies of my heart? Where, for the love of God, is the fucking blue sky? Where is the fucking sun?

If I quit my job, or quit my life by killing myself, I have accomplished nothing. I have changed nothing. If I come into human form again sometime in the future, I am placing a burden on that person which only gets heavier the more it is passed on. Because each life adds to the weight of sorrow and internal garbage that I have been carrying around since God only knows when. How in the hell can I become the one version or incarnation or whatever of me that finally opens the bag, dumps everything out, and leaves all that shit behind? How can I keep my future selves from suffering the same fate as me? How can I keep going in this life under my current burden?

I have no answers. I don’t know what to do. Or I do but not how to do it. Or I know both and am not allowing myself to remember. I wish I had some guru or something that could slap me upside my head and wake me up long enough that I can remember whatever I need to remember, do whatever I need to do, and change whatever I need to change. Because I am tired of making the same old mistakes. I am tired of walking the path of my life alone, and forcing myself to be alone. I am tired of the kinds of work that keep showing up in my life, and my seeming inability to vibrate at a high enough frequency that better work could show up. Or that would improve my current work.

I am afraid of the future. I worry about what I will do after graduation. I know I am graduating next year. I do not have a low frequency when it comes to my scholarly pursuits. But I am worried I will just keep going to school and run away from everything I need to be aware of and address. I will stick to what I have been successful at but ignore the larger issues of my life. Or I will graduate and I will make it meaningless. I will have this piece of paper and these certifications, but not allow myself to have a good, high paying job that would utilize what I have learned doing my time here.

One thing only I know for sure. I can practice presence by being here, in this moment, with whatever I am doing. I do not know if I can keep it up. But I know that today I am aware that I need to practice awareness, and am doing so. I will take that with me into my work today, and whatever happens… I just wrote, “Hopefully I can raise…” What am I actually saying? That secretly I am afraid I will not be able to.

Let’s try again… I desire to, I wish to, I want to, raise my vibration and operating at a frequency that transforms my life and work experience more into what I want, instead of more of the same. I allow myself to feel what I feel. I surrender to everything I am experiencing in this present moment. I yield to my entire present-moment experience. I set the intention, right now, to raise my vibration and increase the frequency I am operating at, starting with my work today.