The Ego, The Present Moment and Some Unexpected Revelations!

More and more I think Eckhart Tolle is right. I think there is definitely something good, a worthy practice or pursuit, in staying in the present moment. As I continue to plow through ACIM and learn about the intricacies of the ego, I am coming to understand some things, some past experiences.

I first “met” or encountered or even experienced Tolle I think back when I was living in my grandma’s attic. Man I really miss those days! There I was, all this space to myself, places where I could go outside and do yoga or meditate, and I never really appreciated it! I guess the fact that my mother and my grandmother were constantly arguing, and I felt like I had to play referee may have contributed to my not seeing the blessings I had been given. Also I was far away from town and other people – no social opportunities. But I had a bed, my own relatively warm room (warmer than the RV anyway!) and plenty of space and time to do something with my life. If I had been intelligent at all I would have started to be serious about YouTube, back in 2009, BEFORE all their restrictions and censorship. Who knows? Maybe if I had I would now have my own huge channel and thousands of subscribers, enough that I could relocate anywhere I like.

In any case, some folks were going to repair our bathroom and remove mold, so my grandmother’s insurance company moved us all out into hotels until everything was finished. While I enjoyed my time at the Staybridge, I read Tolle, Basho and Ryokan. That’s when I started to write these shorter, Haiku-like poems. It just fit me, felt right. In immersing myself in Tolle’s teachings, I found myself in that space where poetry flows effortlessly through me. It is the exact same space I am in when I am in the natural flow of my life instead of struggling against the current. One way you, the readers, know that I am not in the present moment, not in the flow, is that there are no new poems being shared here. The few I have shared these last few months were written last year, or during some brief time when I was in a happier state. When I am angry, depressed or suffering from cabin fever, like now, the stream of poetry finds no access through me, and I can no longer be a channel for it. Or anything of a loving or spiritual nature. I am sure you can see that from the things I have written these last few months.

I think I understand a few things about this now… It occurs to me that a truly enlightened person is permanently focused on the present moment. They have to be, and this is important because, the ego does not have any influence or power in the present moment. I am certain this is true. Nobody who is fully aware, fully present, gets caught up in other people’s BS. This must be how I was able to stay at my brother’s the last time I was there, and when he blew up, I did not engage. I was able to just walk away. I am sure I wrote about this here some years ago. When you are fully aware, fully present, fully IN your present moment experience, you are happier, you are more inspired, you are more loving and you are more of a conduit for true spiritual energy, that might manifest through you in the form of writing, or art, or some other creative endeavor. In other words, if you are blocked creatively, it seems to me the most effortless fix would be to find a way to get into the present moment. Meditate, accept your feelings about your art as they are, embracing them, feeling through them, then releasing them and letting them go. If you can get into the present moment, and practice staying there even for a few days, my guess is that the ability to create will come flowing back.

From what I can understand of ACIM, the ego is past-focused, and it uses the past as a reference for the future. But it NEVER, EVER dwells in the present moment. Someone in the sway of their ego will find themselves easily caught up in the ego BS of others around them. They are easily influenced by the actions of others. They experience anger, discontent, frustration, unhappiness, stress and a host of other negative emotions. Why is that? Lost a train of thought here, but will type in in faith and knowing the words will come if important…

Why is it that someone being driven or influenced by their ego is unable to experience more joyful, spiritual states? Simple… Because there is this idea (I guess it comes from the ego) that the present moment experience should be something other than what it is. It is that simple. It really is. If you are angry it is because you are in denial of how things are. You want things to be different, you believe and really feel they should be different. But reality doesn’t bend to your will like that. Actually, as long as you are angry and struggling against reality, you will continue to create a reality that seems to be fighting against you, that seems to be in some struggle with you. It’s that rowing against the current state. Caught up in your ego, you never realize, it never occurs to you, that you can simply accept reality as it is, get back into the current, and determine to create a better experience for yourself.

You see YOU create the current of your life! How’s that for mind-blowing? All the energy you have focused and invested in whatever or wherever you have focused or invested it over the years you have been alive has created a stream, a natural state, in which your life flows. The only way to change that flow is to place all your energy and focus in the new direction you wish to go. And you start RIGHT NOW, in this moment. Then you practice placing your energy and focus in this new direction, every day, until the new current is established. Then you flow in that direction. The current CURRENT you’re are in is very powerful. Or at least it seems to be very powerful, and in your perception it is very strong. You have put YEARS of energy and focus into it. So don’t expect overnight miracles. They can happen – “Anything Is Possible, All Possibilities Exist” (the author), but it is more likely you will have to continue to ride them as you slowly shift things and change their direction.

What does this entail? ACCEPTING THINGS AS THEY ARE, IN THIS MOMENT! Yup, that is what you have to do. The ego has likely influenced the current flow of your life, and that is why your life sucks big, giant hairy goat balls right now! The ego does not have your best interests at heart, only its own. It doesn’t care about you at all. In fact it hates you. That is essentially what ACIM says, and for all I know it is true. The good news is that each moment brings a chance for you to change where you put your energy and focus, an opportunity to begin the most likely (but not necessarily) slow, tedious process of creating a better present moment experience for yourself. But you always, ALWAYS, have to accept the present moment experience as it is. You made it after all! It is YOUR creation!

Teal swan has several videos on anger, and I forget now what she said to do. Something about asking yourself what needs are not being met? In any case, if you are angry, I would perhaps follow her advice, because if nothing else that causes you to pause. It is a good interrupt. You need an interrupt so you can become aware and initiate any change. The next thing I advise is asking yourself, what is it you are denying? What is it you are attempting to deny the reality of in this moment? What is it you feel should not have happened, or should be different? What is the “should story” running in the background here? You need the interrupt to get a chance to become aware of that “should story.” Once you have become aware of it, THEN you have to accept it.

That first step, BTW, I think of as ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, AKA, “It is what it is.” That leads, naturally to acceptance, because it is how it is. It will not change by you being angry at it. Actually, your anger will ensure you keep reliving that same state, over and over again. You will keep having that undesirable and unwanted present moment experience. ALL RESISTANCE EMPOWERS (gives power to) WHATEVER YOU ARE RESISTING! I am sure I have said this before, and that is what I mean. Your denial, your “should story”, is a form of resistance, and you resistance provides the power that creates, drives and perpetuates the experience making you angry. So you have to ACCEPT it, because it is there, you can’t deny it away.

Next you have to feel your way through it. This is where Susan Jeffers, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” comes in. You have to feel what you feel. You have to allow yourself to feel. You have to embrace these feelings, allow yourself to feel them as long as you need to feel them, then when you are ready, you have to release them and let them go. LETTING GO is another egoless state. LETTING GO is antithetical to the ego, just as acknowledgement and acceptance of things the way they are is. These things are directly opposite to the egoic state.

The ego wants to retain. It wants to be angry, it wants to hold grudges, it wants to hate, it wants to be bitter, it wants to be resentful. So it drives you, as long as you are under is influence, held in its sway, to be angry, bitter, hateful and resentful. If you think you are a religious or spiritual person, and yet you have any energy invested in, or focus invested on, any of these states, anything that is the opposite, at its root, to love, you are not truly religious or spiritual. Because a truly religious or spiritual state is one where the individual is influenced by love, not their ego, PERIOD. There are no exceptions!

Any investment in your identity as a religious or spiritual person – as Christian and part of the Christian group, or a Muslim and part of the Muslim group, or a Buddhist and part of the Buddhist group or even as a spiritual, not religious person (this is me) – this is a sure sign the ego is behind the wheel of your life. I am in the same boat as the rest of you in this. Anything we would make as part of identity, and invest all our energy and focus into who we believe, feel or think we are (BLM, LGBTQ – I am looking at you!) is sheer ego. And as long as our egos are in control, there will be war, there will be disease, death and destruction, because our egos hate us, and want to destroy us. It seems odd and counter-intuitive, because once we are dead, our ego is also dead. But our egos are insane. You can not apply logic to insanity. You can not apply reason to the unreasonable.

Your beliefs, religious, spiritual, scientific or anything else, your racial identity, your gender, your sexual preferences – all of this BS does not go with you when you die. Understand that. It all dies with your physical body and your ego. Who you really are is none of that shit. To get more in tune with who you really are, hold your beliefs loosely, let them go when they no longer serve you, and practice being in the present moment. Accept things as they are, and if you want a better present moment experience, invest the energy, effort and focus in the direction you wish to go. But always say in the flow, in a state of acknowledgement, acceptance, allowing then releasing and letting go. If you want to be happy, if you want to be effortlessly creative, that is the state you need to be in, If you want to experience true joy, that is the state you have to be in, and I suspect, that if you want to manifest desirable, wonderful things in your life, that is the state you have to be in. You have to let all the other BS go.

Somehow, someway, I am determined to change the current course of my life to one of abundance and joy. I will get out from under the influence of the ego and get into the present moment, with full awareness. And I will practice staying there, until it becomes the natural current of my life. And I will know I am in that state when all my creative endeavors flow effortlessly through me, just as they did when I dipped my toe into the waters of this experience all those years ago. I keep forgetting all the things I have learned. All the lessons I went through. It is not easy to create such a drastic change in one’s nature, ones state or natural way of being. Or at least it seems as if there is a lot that gets in between me and the intention to change. Thankfully this is a journey we can take together, we can support each other and help each other. Actually I have created a place for that here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/M_A_S_T/

I think change seems difficult, seems hard, because so much energy and focus has created a current state that seems to resist change. The current is very strong, if it has been created while under the influence of our ego. We have invested a lot of energy and focus into our current life experience. But ACIM may be right, this may all be an illusion, “albeit a very strong, persistent one.” (Albert Einstein) The ego is just an illusion. It is not real. It’s like we put the VR glasses on, and now are struggling to take them off. But they can easily come off, allowing us to see things as they really are. We just have to raise up are arms and take them off. It seems harder than it really is. Maybe there is no current dragging us along at all, maybe the currents are just our beliefs, and when we let them go, we come to see that we are not being carried or driven anywhere. We can just start walking in whatever direction we choose. Maybe that’s how things really are. I don’t know, but I will apply and remember what I have learned, and shared with you here.

Here’s to making our experience of this world exactly what we want it to be!

Introducing The Circle

I have posted about this before I am sure. For a while you may have noticed a link to The Circle in the menu at the top of the page. I have now changed this to a category, so that I may make individual posts for each new episode I release. But the purpose of this post is to speak to you about the series.

When I first started The Circle so many years ago, I envisioned something like a large group of people, come together from all around the world, seated in a circle. I would present that evening’s topic, and the others around me would continue it. They would add their own insights, points of view, opinions… And in doing this they would add to it.

Because one guy’s opinion, one man’s Truth, may not be the same for others. By sharing it with others, a core truth may be revealed. At the root of every personal experience, I am certain there is something Universal, common and shared by all.

But sadly, my vision has not yet been realized. I have talked about sex, masturbation, energy, manifestation, suicide, and, in one of my latest episodes, how to talk to The Voice Inside. No subject is off-limits. We need to speak of these things of which society would have us seal our lips. I can not explain how important I feel this is.

So here is my latest attempt to gain your attention, and, hopefully, hear your voice, in this video series I have started which I have called The Circle. Please say whatever comes into your heart, like, comment, subscribe – you know the routine. Also let me know of any subject you would like me to speak on.

There is no leader here, no followers. This is a circle. King Arthur’s round table. All seated here are equal, no matter our stations in life, no matter our age, experiences or the things we know. Together we are defying an unspoken taboo, and in the process, gaining experience, healing and knowledge.

Here is a link to the playlist for The Circle:

The Hand of God

You know often I read that God, whoever or whatever it is, will not reach down and pull you out of the mess you have made of your life. But is this really true? Just outside my door I have a small plastic bowl of water I keep for the various animals that wander around here. Lately as I walk by, I see that the bees (yellow jackets I think) are actually learning to swim in it. I have watched them land on the water, and if I disturb the bowl at all, they fly off, right off the surface of the water. I have watched them land on the water too, and just drift there. Others that are not so brave cling to the side of the bowl and get their head as close to the water’s edge as they can. I know they are doing this because I can see their antenna are pushed back around their heads a little.

But every once and a while, as just happened a little bit ago, I will see a bee that is fully immersed in the water, unable to free itself. I don’t know if a bee can drown, but I assume so. So when I see this I use my foot to gently pour out some water, along with them, over the edge, into the grass and safety. Usually disturbing the swimmers and drinkers in the process. Today’s potential drowning victim was a bumble bee or hornet. I imagine that for this bee it is a lot like God helping it. I mean after all, physically compared to a bee I am enormous. Also I am either connected to, or a part of, or a physical manifestation of, God. And if I can do this for a bee, God can do it for me.

So when I am stuck and drowning in my own life, is it illogical for me to believe and hope that God, looking down, will take mercy on me and shift things just a little to help me get out of the mess I have gotten myself into?

Orange Sun

The orange sun
reveals my ignorance.
I still have much to learn.

I have traveled
many hard-won miles
to come to the place
where, on looking back,
I see with perfect clarity
that I am not the same
as I was.

I think of myself
as a spiritual person,
but now, in the light
of this orange sun I see
that there are an infinite
number of levels to climb,
an uncountable number
of steps left to take.

This orange sun
shines on one
not the same
as other orange suns
have shone on before,
and under the next
orange sun yet another
completely different person
will be revealed.

If I am still growing
then moments like these
must be the growing pains.

An Untenable Judgment

Years ago when I was a child (and as I have probably said many times before, I may have said this before) a teacher took me aside at Hudson Park Elementary (I think I even remember exactly where this happened) and told me that the world did not revolve around me. I think at the time I had been stealing or something. Not sure exactly all the effects this had on me, but I think I stopped stealing and created the foundation for a Nice Guy persona. Here is a book to explain that:

Now I can not be sure of the teacher’s motivations here. Everyone is raised within the confines of their family belief systems. Maybe the teacher was trying to help, maybe they were trying to hurt me, maybe they were trying to shake me up a little. But ultimately the labels “selfishness” and “self-centeredness” are applied to an individual as a way of controlling behavior that is believed to be, or is seen to be, undesirable in some way or wrong.

I am only going to say this once… The world, even the entire universe, does revolve around you. Or more accurately, your world, your universe revolves around you. Everyone that can look up and see the moon will see the moon. But everyone will have a different way of interpreting and perceiving the same object, and all of them will not be seeing the object as it really is, outside of all those associations, beliefs, interpretations and judgments. An enlightened person, meaning one who can see things as they are, will see the moon as it is. I have no reference to draw from here. They probably wouldn’t even assign a name or label to it.

The point is, no two people experience reality in exactly the same way. We all live inside the orbits of our own belief systems, habitual patterns of thought and perceptions. This is why one person can pick up a penny and joyously thank the Universe for its provision, while another may walk on past or kick it into the gutter. Guess which person likely has more money in their life?

Also being selfish or self-centered doesn’t necessarily mean you also believe the earth and the universe rotate about you. In fact I doubt if anyone labeled normal would believe that. And even if someone did, what makes that wrong? You can throw all the science you want at me, that still doesn’t make one person’s unique viewpoint any more or less valid than any other.

It also doesn’t necessarily follow that being selfish or self-centered is wrong. A baby is selfish, does that mean you punish him or her every time they demand you feed them or clean their diaper? Maybe some parents do, and god help them when their children grow up. Because when those parents are in diapers, baby-like and in need of care, what do you think the children will do? They can draw from what they have learned. They will only repeat the lessons their parents taught them. Are you in a nursing home, with children who never visit and don’t seem to care about you? Ask yourself, how did you treat them when they were helpless and dependant on you? Be brutally honest, you are far too mature not to face the truth.

We have to be selfish, because we have to take care of ourselves. If we fall into the Nice Guy (or Good Girl) trap, we will put the needs of others ahead of our own, looking for all the world incredibly selfless, but our motivations will not be pure. We will not really want to be doing the things we want to do. Our heart will not be in it, and if our heart is not in what we do, doesn’t that make us heartless? Aren’t we acting heartlessly? Think about that for a moment.

If we are self-centered I guess that means we act like, and truly believe, that only we matter. We may be arrogant and conceited. But the issue is not whether or not we are self-centered. The issue is why we are acting this way. Could it be that we have an over-inflated idea of ourselves because ultimately, we feel we are full of hot air? That we don’t matter, that nobody cares about us? Isn’t a low self-esteem why we don the role of self-centeredness?

The solution is not to criticize and judge others for behavior we do not agree with. Fuck that. And fuck trying to control the behavior of others. Anyone on that quest is acting like Don Quixote, chasing windmills. The solution is to be motivated by love, for ourselves and for others. Period.

So to that long-ago teacher, you screwed up. You were not motivated by love in what you did. You were motivated by the desire to dominate a child and control their behavior. This was very irresponsible of you. The end result is that child, now a grown man, has an incredible amount of crap to clean out that he inherited from his family, their religion, and society. He became a Nice Guy, meaning he wasn’t really nice at all. He has since begun to address these and other issues. But at the root of every issue he has are the things the adults in his life did and said to him when he was a child.

You were one of those adults. If you knew how to motivate the children in your care with love, that is how you should have proceeded. But chances are you didn’t know better. So while you are partly responsible, I do not blame you. I hold no grudge towards you. I understand, all too clearly, how we are all prisoners of our beliefs, adopted, inherited and picked up by ourselves.

Instead I will point out to you, and every other adult in any position of authority, the incredible responsibility we have. Adolf Hitler is thought to be one of humanity’s greatest monsters. But this is an incorrect point of view. The real monsters are the adults who contributed to raising Hitler to be who he became. Without those adult influences, there would be no Adolf Hitler, except maybe as a painter. Imagine if he had been raised by those motivated purely by love. People who loved him and supported him. People who encouraged his artistic ambitions. We would have seen more of this:

And less of this:

And none of your bullshit about, “Oh poor Hitler, he wasn’t loved enough!” in some sarcastic tone of voice. You are damn right he wasn’t loved enough, and this is just one blatant historical example of what happens to a child who is raised by adults that would rather control their child’s behavior than actually be motivated by love in their parenting! Maybe Hitler’s parents didn’t know any better, so couldn’t do any better. I don’t know. I am not a historian. I just know that all monsters are created, or rather raised, not born. I don’t care what proof you have to the contrary. Any exception proves the rule.

It’s time to stop fucking around and face the truth. Raise your children with love, motivated by love, or don’t bother having them at all. Give them away to adoption, send them to live with relatives, do whatever you have to do. But don’t try raising them unless you can do so motivated by love. If you are yelling at them, telling them they are bad or wrong, that they shouldn’t do this or that, you are trying to control their behavior and are not motivated by love. Your children are not your slaves, nor your dogs to be whipped into obedience and submission. Your religious beliefs are no excuse. You are responsible for the adult this child will become. Ask yourself honestly what kind of adult are you raising?

I don’t know about you but I would rather see more beautiful paintings and less episodes of genocide, holocausts and war. The kind of future we will have is not in the hands of our children, but those who are raising them. Our children will only repeat the behaviors they learned from us, or that were beaten into them. Not everyone will be imprisoned this way, there are a few who escape. But none of us escape undamaged. We all bear the scars of being raised by those who were not motivated by love.

3-4-2017 – Status Update

It has been a long time since I came in here and said anything. I just published my first poem in I am not even sure how long. I noticed that in the title it said peace-2, and it linked, at the bottom, to an old article I had written entitled, “Peace.” I just read this article, but it was strange, like someone else had written it. I think I had forgotten these old truths I had realized at that time. I find I still agree with what I said. It is still in alignment to what I currently believe and feel. Not like a religious belief, more like this is how something seems to me, what I think is true about it right now. I want to keep all my beliefs transitory. I want to be able to release them and let them go easily and freely, if they are no longer truth for me.

So a bit of a status update… Just about two weeks ago now, the Sunday before last, I was driving home after working for a neighbor lady I may have mentioned before, in the 2001 Lexus ES 300 that I had just purchased maybe a month or so before, and I decided to take a back road. I might have been trying to change the radio station. something caused me to not pay as much attention as I needed to, and this was not a road I took a lot, so I took a corner too wide, a little too fast, and maybe my steering gave out, it seemed to me the car was not responding, or maybe I froze up.

Whatever the case may have been, I slammed into a pole at probably 30-40 miles an hour, destroying the front driver’s side of the car, shattering the pole at its base and moving it foot or so in the wet, muddy, possibly clay ground in which it had been recently set. I hit the pole, the airbags deployed, solving the mystery once and for all about the 2001 Lexus ES 300 airbags, no, they are not the kind with shrapnel in them that have been recalled for Toyotas, else I would not be writing this, at least not in physical form.

It banged up my physical form a little but nothing major. Sometimes, strangely, I can still smell the airbags in the area of my nose where I felt pain afterwards. My left knee, which neither of my knees have ever really been free of pain or injury, hurts and doesn’t feel right. Nothing that feels like a broken bone. I have a huge bruise on my chest that showed up a few days later and is still there.

No the main thing injured in this accident was my spirit. I found my heart broken and my spirit crushed. I found I could not keep from reliving the scene in my head over and over again, wondering why I didn’t just slam on the brakes or drive out into the open field to my left. I was not under the influence. Just going too fast and not paying enough attention. I was not driving responsibly. I am so thankful that it didn’t happen a few moments earlier or later, that I did not hit anyone else.

I have since paid for this, may times over. First the police officer lied to me, not once but twice. Telling me I could get a deferment and may not have to pay anything for the infraction he gave me It was $180.00+, and with the deferment, even though I have nothing on my record, no tickets, no violations, I still have to pay $150.00 in what they call an “Administrative Fee.”

Second the towing company stole my car. Legally, through strong-arm tactics, but the result is the same as if someone pulled a gun on you, threw you out of your car on the road, and took off. There is no difference in the end result, just one process is considered bad or illegal, and apparently the other is considered acceptable and legal. For anyone in my area who wants to know what towing company to avoid, it is Chuck’s Towing in Washougal. Don’t use them, no matter what. When the officer asked me what towing company to call, insisting the car had to be removed, I told him to pick what he thought was the best one.

Big mistake. The police here in Camas must be very much like the police over in Longview, working in conjunction with the towing companies. In Longview they have something going with Bob’s Towing. I mentioned this before, years ago when my Honda was stolen out from under the apartment where I lived. Yet even though it was two streets off the main drag, the Longview police could not find it, and the towing company never reported it.

Anyhow the lady at Chucks told me that if I got them paid they would drop the additional fees from Friday-Monday, so I spent an hour working with my insurance company getting payment to them. She told me she would offer me $50.00 for the title, and I was trying to get Pick N Pull to get the car, but the lady at Chucks said they could not move my car, they would not park it on the street for pickup, even if I got permission, and when I resigned myself to selling it to her, she reneged, went back on what she had said earlier, and said no, what she would do is charge me $120.00 instead of $170.00. She would take $50.00 off the bill. She didn’t have $50.00 to just give me. So finally I brought my title, and, while recording our conversation, asked her to verify that if I signed it would she would not charge me for those extra days the insurance company did not cover. She said she wouldn’t, I signed it without uttering a word and left.

Thirdly this whole thing affected my schoolwork. As some of you may know I have been attending Clark College the last two quarters, I am wrapping up my second quarter. I have transferred over all usable credits from Lower Columbia College and am on my way to a 2-year Computer Support degree. Well after this happened my grades began to go down. It’s not that I can’t bike/bus there as I started to do originally. It is hard to explain, but having a car, having that freedom, then having it taken away, I don’t want to go back. Even though I can and have gotten by with the bike/bus travel, I just don’t want to do that anymore.

Anyway the poem I have just shared here was written just a few days ago, as I was waiting for the bus. I am starting to pull up out of the nose-dive I found myself in. I got my hands on a book; I was placing holds on my titles, seeking comfort, and this was one of them, “Taking The Leap” by Gay Hendricks. It talks about something called an “Upper Limit Problem.” Reading it made me realize some very important things.

First of all I never really believed I deserved the car. I never really took ownership of it. It came to me via a friend of my mom’s, who has also become my friend, almost even family. Her husband wanted to sell the car and had already purchased her a new one. I won’t go into the details why, but she had offered it to me for $500.00 even though it was woth easily six times that. Then the money manifested for it, and I got some work at the college so I could pay for gas and insurance. It all just came together. But I never really owned any of this.

I realized this was true when I remembered that I had never even read the manual. I know that whenever I go out and buy an electronic device or game, I always read the manual before I begin ti operate it. That is how I take ownership of something. The car was new to me, yet I never really looked at the owner’s manual. That was one side of this, the other is that I kept thinking how lucky I was to have this $3,000 car for which I had only paid $500.00. Like I didn’t believe I deserved it, which was exactly the case I think.

I think I hit what Hendricks calls my Upper Limit Problem. I Upper-Limited myself. I don’t know how or even if this ties in with the teachings of Abraham, but I remember I was not consciously unhappy or anything driving home. I was not giving thought to being in a accident, to wrecking my car. It seemed to happen out of the blue, I could find nothing on my thoughts that would have drawn it to me. But later I could see how I felt I did not deserve the car. Essentially I was sabotaging myself.

I have decided two main things since this happened. First, I will find and abolish any and all upper limits, any limitations of any kind, that I have accepted for or imposed on myself. I will tell myself I deserve to be happy, I deserve nice things, I deserve to succeed, I deserve to make love to a beautiful, long red-haired, virgin, young woman, I deserve to succeed in all my endeavors, until I believe it. I will completely reprogram myself, and I will start by working through this book.

Second, I will not play the role of a victim. I am struggling with this, as you can plainly see in this post. But I will continue to work at not seeing myself as a victim or as having been victimized. I will forgive all these people, I will release all the foul energy around this situation and free myself from it entirely, I will release and let go of all attachment and negative, undesired feeling. Ultimately I will learn from my mistakes and get right back up on the horse again. I will seek out another car that even better meets my needs or, I will move out into a place of my own near the campus, in reasonable bus/walking/bicycling distance.

Lexi, as I called her, has been, is and will continue to be one of my greatest teachers. She kept me alive and safe, just as she was designed to do, and now I will, and am, learning from the loss of her. I will turn this negative into a positive, this curse into a gift. I will transform it’s energy into something that will cause inner growth, and release any negative or undesirable energy back to the universe. And somehow, in some way, I will find my desire to continue going to college, despite my currently inconvenient circumstances, and I will finish this. I can see the finish line. I will continue running, no matter what, until I cross it.

Peace

After many hours enclosed,
studying, I step outside
into the cool, evening air,
to find myself expanded,
filled with awareness,
almost even happy.

Everything is so much
bigger now, bigger than
the narrow confines
of my overworked,
exhausted mind.

The light of the setting sun,
these peaceful, floating clouds,
recharging batteries long seeming
dead, and empty.

Washing away the darkness
of the past hellish days
and cleaning some of
their stain from
my heart.

Unexpectedly, I feel peace.