Finding Your Way Through

At the suggestion of a friend I have opened up, “The Nature of Personal Reality” last night and began reading. Today I started on Seth’s introduction and encountered this, “What exists physically exists first in thought and feeling. There is no other rule.” This passage, and one from earlier, “Your conscious thoughts can be great clues in uncovering such obstructions” (obstructions defined as, “strongly negative characteristics present in your most intimate thoughts.”)

So I started thinking about what things I might be consciously thinking about. Asking myself if perhaps the things of which I am aware of are things I am thinking about. But then wondering if that could be considered a conscious thought, because it seems to me that a conscious thought is a thought I am actively directing. Unconscious thoughts would then be things I am thinking about that I am not directing. In other words, conscious thoughts are initiated, while unconscious thoughts just happen. But do both come from a point of awareness?

Anyhow one of the things I am aware of is my back pain. It comes, I have been saying, from sleeping on a fold-out sofa in an RV, on memory foam mattresses that loose all their resistance when they are warm. It has been warm these last few days, and as I recall, I always slept better when the room was cool and the mattresses were stiffer/firmer.

But if my physical pain existed first in thought and feeling, from what thought or feeling did it originate? I thought at first it came of my negative attitude towards my bed. Then I thought maybe it came from my dislike of having to put away my bed every morning and make it every night. Then I realized that it likely ultimately came from my negative attitude towards my current living circumstances/situation, living in this RV with my parents. When when I think these words it is like I am spitting them out. You can see now how the second quote applies, my conscious thoughts giving me clues here to these obstructions, these negative feelings.

What this all boils down to is that my bed literally cannot support me because I do not support it! As cute as this simple explanation is, if I go deeper I see that the reason I have this back pain is because I have not been accepting things as they are. I have not, do not and am not yet, loving and accepting my living circumstances/situation as they are. Instead I am railing against it – resisting it. It is the conflict from this resistance that is creating the physical pain I am experiencing. I bet if I dug a little deeper I could even figure out what lower back represents according to someone like Louise Hay in, “You Can Heal Your Life.” I may come back to that. But I’ll bet it’s related!

The question is, how do I fix this? What solution(s) can I try to address what is essentially the energetic cause of this physical pain? I have learned from the teachings of Abraham I can not jump from from where I am, in anger and hatred and resistance, to love. Too far to go. It seems to me what I can do is start to bless my bed, every night as I make it, and every morning as I put it away. Furthermore I can bless this RV and my current living circumstances/situation, every time I exit or enter the motor home. Finally I can be thankful – I can practice gratitude. I can be grateful that the RV has given me a place to live, a roof over my head as it were, and I can be thankful that I have a bed to sleep on. I can show appreciation for the fold-out sofa, for the memory foam mattresses, for my sheets, for my blankets, and for the RV itself.

I think gratitude is so important because it helps to dissolve negativity. Blessing something and being thankful for it is the acid that will eat away all the negativity around an issue. But it is a gentle acid. It helps the negativity to be gently released, to just effortlessly come free of whatever it is tightly wound around. Going after negativity with negativity may remove some of the negativity you are attempting to remove, but will almost certainly leave some behind. As always, flow not force is the key.

Finally an “attitude of gratitude” is, I think, the first step towards acceptance. This isn’t the same as surrender or giving up. Acceptance is a way of acknowledging things as they are and being willing to leave them like that. You do not wish they were something else, you don’t try to force them to change – you take them as they are. Acceptance of a thing leads to love. You can not love something you do not appreciate, and you can not love something you do not accept. To get to acceptance, you must go through appreciation AKA gratitude, and acceptance AKA allowance.

Acceptance AKA allowance is important because it puts you in the position of conscious choice. You are not simply reacting to something that comes into your experience. Something comes into your experience, and you choose how you will respond. You can fight against it – resistance – and this will create conflict in your life. It will take the power from you, and place it with whatever it is you are resisting. Basically you choose whether or not something that comes into your life will have power over you or not. You choose how to perceive it. You choose how you will label it. You can label it as negative and resist it – denying that it is there. Or you can accept that it is there, allow it to be as it is, then decide how you will perceive it.

To use my own life as an example, I attempted to head out on my own via bicycle in 2016 and then ended up coming back here, living in my parent’s RV. Things came together for me to go to Clark College. If I looked at things that way, this whole circumstance/situation has been a blessing. But living in the RV has meant I have no personal space, no hot showers, and I sleep on a heavily worn/used fold-out couch, on two memory foam mattresses, one a topper and one thicker, but neither of them very dense foam. I have to make my bed every night and put it away every morning. Up until now I have seen this as a curse. I have been resisting it. My resistance of it has not changed it at all. But it has caused me to be unable to perceive my circumstances/situation as a blessing. It has likely also lead to the physical issues I have been experiencing, including my back pain.

If I had instead accepted the RV and my bed, allowing these things to be as they are and not wishing they were anything else (resistance), I would have been able to practice gratitude, and I likely would not be experiencing these physical symptoms. The RV and my bed will be the same either way. I can get angry at these things all I want – they are still what they are – I can not change them by my negativity towards them. I can also appreciate these things – again they are still what they are – I can not change them by my positive attitude towards them.

Or can I? I suspect that things can change only when we are in a state of appreciation and allowance, because they have to match the energy we are giving out. In other words our attitude, feelings and thoughts draw things to us. Then our attitude, feelings and thoughts keep these things with us or help us to release them and let them go.

Something bad remains bad as long as we feel negativity towards it. Often our negativity towards it will make it worse. The molehill becomes a mountain. The princess feels the pea no matter how many mattresses are on it, and the pea gets larger and larger, even as it remains the same size. But something bad can not remain bad if we feel positive towards it. This means that the only way to change something undesirable which has come into our life experience is to love and accept that thing as it is, and to find a way to bless it and be thankful for it.

In my case it would be hard to love and accept my bed as it is, and I am not sure I could see it as a blessing, much less be thankful for it. But I can love and accept the RV and my current living circumstances/situation as they are. I can think about how this thing that has come into my life experience has been a blessing to me, and I can show appreciation for the ways it has been a blessing. That will, indirectly, allow me to bless and show appreciation for all the other aspects of this experience, including my bed. I can even find my way to appreciation and blessing for these physical symptoms, including my back pain, because it has given me a point through which I could gain the knowledge I now have. I might even be able to apply that to my bed and directly find a way to bless and appreciate it.

When you cut yourself there is pain that directs your attention to where the damage has occurred. Likewise my back pain has drawn my attention to where this damage has occurred, AKA the likely energetic cause of the physical back pain symptom. OK, let’s check in with Louise Hay:

“Lower Back – Fear of money. Lack of financial support.

Middle Back – Guilt. Stuck in all that stuff back there. ‘Get off my back,’

Upper Back – Lack of emotional support. Feeling unloved. Holding back love.”

The pain is mostly in my middle and lower back. Spot on as usual! Gonna have to think about, “fear of money” though. In what way am I afraid of money? How do I work through that?

Remember that you choose what comes into your life experience, and you also choose how you will respond to what comes into your life experience. Resistance AKA Denial will give power to a thing, causing conflict between it and you and creating undesirable energetic causes resulting in undesirable physical symptoms. Acceptance AKA Allowance will give power to you, causing no conflict between it and you and creating desirable energetic causes resulting in desirable physical symptoms.

If something has come into your experience you no longer want to be there, the first step is to accept it as it is, allowing it to be as it is. Stop resisting it. The next step is to bless it in order to release any negativity wound tightly around it. You have to release it and let it go – all of your negativity – your anger, bitterness, hatred, etc. You may need to forgive someone or something. Once you have managed this, you have to see it differently. Up until now you saw it as something bad. You have to find some way to bless it. Did it teach you something? Is it a part of a larger thing for which you can show appreciation and be thankful?

If you are unable to really get behind the appreciation, blessing and gratitude, just say the words. Repeat them every time you think about this thing or encounter it or are reminded of it. Repeat it until it becomes true. Always allow yourself to feel what you feel – do not repress or resist your feelings! Flow not force. In time, through gentle reinforcement, you may find that you can appreciate, bless or show gratitude towards this thing, either indirectly or directly.

It will be interesting to see how I can apply these things in the next few days and what the results will be.

8-10-2016 – So I Completed The 30-Day Writing Challenge

I went to a book swap here in Camas a few months back and found Chris Baty’s, “No Plot No Problem!” For those who do not know, he started this while NanoWriMo thing where authors come together in November with a goal to reach 50,000 words in 30 days. Here is a link:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Novel_Writing_Month

I decided what the hell and dove in. Having read it and completed the challenge I can recommend the book to anyone.

Now it worked out for me to do this, because as you know, and the last time you heard, I was headed down the coast to California. But I changed my plans, still left, but chose  a route called “The Sierra Cascades Adventure Route.” I made it as far as Parkdale – roughly 60 miles, before I knew I was done. That last night in Parkdale it was very late when I collapsed beside a Baptist church, sleeping on the ground because I had no other options. I was cold, alone, and I never wanted to feel that way again.

It was the wrong route, but it taught me a valuable lesson, that I need to have some sort of practical plan in place for my life. When I got back my parents were on their way to where they are now, so all three of us are crowded in their motorhome. Since I was in a holding pattern on getting work or going to college, I worked on this challenge. Unfortunately, I only made it to 30,000 words or so. I did get sick near the end, I could use that as an excuse, but as far as I am concerned, just like in my plans to bike to California, I failed.

It is very hard not to see myself as a failure. I try not to think of myself that way, I try to focus on what I have done. But I am not convinced. In the back of my mind the word failure is echoing, in regards not only to minor issues like my bike trip and this writing challenge, but also in just about every other area of my life. I am determined to change, to get out on my own and support myself. I am determined to go to college, and this time, come back with a degree in Computer Service. Everything seems to be flowing for me in that direction.

I am also determined to continue to work on myself, through the words of Tolle’s, “A New Earth” as I finish it and my continuing studies in, “A Course In Miracles.” I am also growing in my poetry and writing.

I have to believe that everything is exactly as it should be, even if I can not label it as desired or preferred. That I can continue developing my poetry and start another book but this time, this time, reach 50,000 words or more, revise it until it sparkles like a a multifaceted diamond, and then get it published. I have to believe this, or I will not want to keep going. I walk a cliff edge between giving in and the solid ground of going on. I could step off at any moment. I can not continue to live as I have, or even as I am. But I also must accept the circumstances and situations of my life, and be open as well as non-resistant to them.

I will try to record everything here, for anyone who wants to know. I will also try to continue detailing the experiences of my bicycle trip. The way I see it I have two choices before me, only these two. Go to college/get a job or bicycle to California, this time using the coastal route. If I choose this second options two things must and will happen. I will make it to the Big Sur in California, take “Pill B” which I may have told you about earlier, then, if nothing falls into place for me there, I am calling it quits.

For now going with the flow and not rushing into anything. Not attached to any particular outcome, or at least trying not to be, although I admit going back to college, making friends, dating, finding others who share my interests, and coming out of it with a degree is far more desirable to me than anything else. And hopefully, one day n the near future, I will have at least one publishable manuscript in the hands of an agent on its way to the bookshelves. If I can both finish college and do that then I will finally be able to honestly and truly think of myself as a success.

EDIT: WHEN I finish college and have delivered a publishable manuscript to an agent.

Purpose

I have made such a big deal of this thing called purpose. Feeling it’s absence in my life, or simply having forgotten it, or having suppressed it – whatever the case may be – has left me feeling like something was missing in my life. That there was something wrong with me.

I defined purpose, when I started to look for one, as that thing I came to this world to do or to learn. But I am beginning to suspect I have bought into yet another illusion. Yet another belief structure of humanity and society.

If I do not believe in fate or destiny, what room could there be for a purpose? If I would not want to be confined to fate or destiny, why would I allow myself to wear the shackles of purpose? What if there is no purpose? No fate, no destiny – nothing.

Or what if the reason I am here, call it destiny, fate or purpose, is beyond physical understanding? Something I can only translate into insufficient physical terms, like Christians trying to define God, trying to stuff the creator of the entire fucking Universe into a box. Futile, pointless and potentially harmful. Certainly shortsighted.

Eckhart Tolle teaches me that this thing called purpose only exists in the future. It is a favorite ego fantasy. That my purpose is whatever I am doing in this moment, now. To put all my attention and awareness into whatever I am doing.

I just finished Millman’s “Peaceful Warrior.” The main character in that story learns a lesson so hard it literally kills him. Not sure how that works, the mind can not distinguish between an image it holds or something the physical body sees. He has a vision of his own death. Only I think it was more than  that. But ultimately, even that character found a purpose, to be a Warrior, a Teacher.

I am troubled by this, because if I go by what Tolle says, my purpose is to be here, living with my parents in their motorhome. To have no money, nobody to share my life with. To ultimately have no future. I see nothing on this path that leads me to believe it will carry me to a life I actually want to live. And I am to embrace this, accept it, and live each moment of this life as if whatever I am doing in that moment is my purpose.

Am I not allowed to define my life for myself? To choose a purpose the appeals to me and live that? Must I just accept things as they are, whether I like them or not? On the other hand, what good does it do me to complain, fight and struggle? To, as the Bible says,  “Kick against the goads?”

If I can not embrace my life as it is in this moment, if I can not accept it as it is, then I will suffer. Do I really want to add more suffering to a life that I consider to be far less than I want? No. So I will practice this, embracing each moment, accepting it, not wanting it to change or be anything else. I will continue to train myself through ACIM so that I may see things as they are. I will accept them a they are and see them as they are. This is my intention.

I am not sure if I believe this yet, but I will state it as fact and let it be weighed on the scales of personal experience. When you were born, it was without destiny, fate, karma or even purpose. Nobody was born to be a dancer, painter, teacher, or even a Warrior. You come into the world not only naked physically but also naked in every other aspect.

Does that mean your life is meaningless? Does your life have to have meaning? It seems to me that this is heavy burden to carry. If you have not found any meaning in your life, you will feel somehow lacking or missing something. I am not so sure things have to have meaning, and whatever meaning we assign them is a limited definition at best.

You were not born with a meaning, any more than you were born with clothes, or a destiny, fate, karma, purpose or sin. Yet you were born complete and perfect. Whatever your physical condition, you came into the world complete. It may not look that way on the surface, but every human comes into the world a complete package, lacking nothing and yet having nothing more than a physical body and that energy that gives it life, call it what you will.

Maybe this is a tough pill to swallow. But I am right there with you, trying to choke it down. Because I have come to understand that of all the things I understand, I know little, and all the things I know I understand little. But I am learning and coming to know these things that have, so far, remained merely intellectual constructs.

Embrace Uncertainty, Question Everything.