This will be one of those unpolished blog entries I seem to do every now and again. Going through a lot of stuff, working through it, learning a lot. Getting lost in a game or sleeping or whatever even when I have an idea of something to write about, failing to honor my inner writer this last week or so when he popped up with something to write about. The result is a bunch of fragments that I share in the hopes that they will still be of use to you. This is also my belated attempt to honor my inner writer. I am learning to embrace him, accept him, his truth, and ultimately be one of the things I am – a writer.
So to start with I have been dealing with anger. I found Teal Swan as a result of looking for material on this after breaking my phone. I have learned that rage, such as what I displayed when I destroyed my phone over my knee before Christmas, is actually a cover or mask for powerlessness. Anyone who has ever read anything of mine posted here probably is aware that I certainly feel powerless a large portion of the time.
One of the insights I had about this, and the memory is faded now, has to do with water. Water flows down a channel, and it never gets angry when the channel is blocked by an obstacle. Instead it flows over, around, or under it. If it is unable to flow around it, it builds up, gathering strength, until it pushes it out of the way or flows over the top of it.
This is how I need to be with the things, the obstacles in my life, that cause me to get angry. They are what they are, and part of the process I have been practicing these last few years is to accept that. Accept what is, acknowledge it and stop resisting it. Resistance comes in the form of trying to change it or wishing it would be something else. My anger, in short, is resistance to the way a thing is. Or to sum it up – anger is resistance to isness.
Instead of resisting, being attached to the outcome in this way, wanting things to be other than what they are, I need to be like water. No emotion, no attachment to outcome. Just flow around, under or over the thing, accepting it as it is. If I am unable to move past it, then I have to be willing to be with it, gathering my strength, until I am able to move past it.
I had a far more eloquent way of stating these things when I first thought of this. But I have since lost that because I did not sit down to write. When we avoid things, when we fail to honor something, some aspect of ourselves, well we are not honoring ourselves, or this aspect. We are not loving and accepting ourselves. The end result will, without fail, not be our best work. Learn from my failure here. If you have an urge to draw something, or write something, or do something – put your awareness into that, acknowledge it, accept it, and then express it however it needs, no matter what others think. Be true to yourself, all aspects of yourself.
Thankfully the other thought still has some freshness to it. I have been reading Narnia, and have just read through the chapter where the Tisroc is having a secret meeting with his son and vizier. In their conversation the Tisroc reveals how he feels about the free country of Narnia, how he essentially wishes to control it. I wondered what would drive a man, or rather a person, to feel that way. What is the point here?
I ran through a few things and finally settled on this… The Tisroc has a set of beliefs about how the world should be. The Narnians represent a challenge to those beliefs. As a result he finds himself wanting to control them, to not only protect his beliefs but also to, by controlling outer circumstances, but ultimately to be happy. As it stands he could not be described as happy, because there is this Narnia country near his borders that is not conforming to his vision of how things should be.
I wonder if this is the same for military-minded conquers throughout history. I know the fanaticism of some in religions circles (this includes science) is driven by similar beliefs, feelings, ideology, etc. Ultimately the desire to feel in control by controlling outer circumstances. Just something I was thinking about it. I wanted to know why the Tisroc wanted to control Narnia. There is a little more to it than that, again I did wait a little long to honor my inner writer so this is a little rough.
I guess the last thing I want to talk about is fear. Just yesterday my mom was talking to me about these two AI that argued and ultimately decided the solution was to destroy the human race. I heard or read something about that. Maybe you know what I am referring to. Also how some people in some country somewhere have received chips in themselves, and use these chips to pay for things. The whole, “Mark of the Beast” that Christians fear.
I wanted to say this to her, but have not brought myself to do so. I wanted to point out to her that fear is how they control us. It is through fear, after the 9/11 attacks that we now have to go through a bunch of security protocols if we want to fly anywhere, and guess what? According to Adam Ruins Everything (a show on Netflix you need to watch) they really don’t do anything other than take away our freedom and cause us inconvenience.
It is through fear of masturbation and sex that the Puritans decided to slice off the foreskins of their male children (you don’t want to know what they planned to do to women) and we still do this in America today even though there is no reason to do so.
They use fear through the media, through the news, through fear-mongering to stir us up, cause us to panic, and then we accept whatever the hell they want to do. We would sacrifice the freedom our forefathers bled and died for on the alter of safety and security, just so we could feel safe and secure. It is through fear that the Nazis controlled the German people and it is through fear that German soldiers were able to do what they did.
Ultimately this drive to control us is also powered by fear, a quest for happiness by seeking to control exterior circumstances. Of course those doing this wouldn’t phrase it like that. Instead, for example, if someone like myself were to challenge the laws of society one of these people, or anyone else under the controlling thumb of fear, would counter by asking, “Well what’s the alternative, chaos?” Yes, exactly. That which is not controlled is perceived to be chaotic. But there is nothing wrong with that. There is an assumption here that chaos is somehow bad, and control is somehow good. But the opposite its true.
Are your feelings ordered, logical? No, they are chaotic. Yet you have to be with them, feel them, and let them be what they are. They are your compass to your truth. In your attempt to stuff them down you disconnect yourself from your truth. Which means you are living a lie. Which means you are not heading in the best direction for you, which your feelings, if you would have allowed yourself to feel them, would have taken you.
I propose something radical, and I want you to be with it. Feel whatever you feel as I state this. Do not run away from your feelings. Be honest and true to yourself, all aspects if yourself.
Imagine a society without rules. No religion or science to control everyone. No laws or law makers. No consequences. Everyone can do whatever the heck they want. At first yes, there would be chaos and violence. Because everyone has been in a pressure cooker of laws, religion, rules and science. You can’t take the lid off without expect it to blow up a little. But then things will settle. Stress will vanish. Peace will take over. Why?
Because all the terrible things men and women have done to each other over the years is a DIRECT RESULT of them not honoring their personal truth, and being constrained by laws, religion, rules and science telling them how they should behave, be or feel. Trying to control them. So the individual strikes out, sometimes violently, and is punished. They are like a sore thumb sticking out that must be put back in its place. Yet nobody knows or has ever known anyone else’s “place.” Nobody, not even parents, know what is best for anyone else. It all boils down to control again. trying to make people and things fit, even when they do not, and if they do not, constraining them, punishing them, hammering them in until they do.
You think America is a free country? WRONG! Look at all the laws and rules, all the “societal norms” and all the other mechanisms in place to control you. Look at what happens when you challenge any of these laws and rules, or break them. The pressure of the court and jail systems is to make you conform, and if you will not conform, you risk being imprisoned for life or killed. Or living in this country will be very hard for you, and there will be a lack of support.
The cure here is two-fold. First you need to question everything. And I mean everything. Second you must not give into fear. No matter what others tell you, what you hear on the news, what you see on TV, what you read in the paper – doesn’t matter. The instant you allow yourself to yield to fear, you yield to those who presented you with it and you give them control over you. A better response when presented with something that is obviously meant to inspire fear is to question it. Honor whatever you are feeling, release and let these feelings go when you are ready, but do not act on your feelings of fear. Do not let your feelings of fear drive you.
Only when you are not afraid, are you are truly free.