In the book, “The Illusion of Money”, chapter 11, Kyle Cease talks about understanding. About chasing the person or thing that gave you this feeling of expansion, instead of moving towards expansion itself. I interpreted this as a sort of “high”, and when we do this we are like addicts chasing their first high. Of course chasing someone or something tends to push it or them away from you, just as resisting something only makes it stronger.
Anyhow I realized where I have been chasing my own “high”, and that is in video games. I have been chasing that feeling I get when I beat a tough level, or a boss, or the game itself. Or when I create something for a game, something I enjoy and am proud of. These ups when I play video games are really the only happiness and joy I am currently experiencing in my life, outside of the few instances I managed to get into the flow and have release myself of all attachments to outcome. But it is easier to play Minecraft than to get into and stay in flow.
Delving into this deeper, with the book, “Stop Self-Sabotage” by Judy Ho, I can see that this aspect of myself I have been referring to my inner saboteur has its principle roots here. According to here, these two roots are, “attaining rewards and avoiding threat.” The expansion, or “high”, is related to attaining rewards. Self-sabotage occurs when there is an imbalance, and your desire to avoid threat is greater than your desire to attain rewards. Of course all anger stems from perceived threats, usually outside our conscious awareness.
It comes down to patterns of habitual behavior and responses that were installed into our operating system when we were children, and had no defenses against it. These instructions are given to us by our parents or primary caretakers, who received them from those who raised them, ad infinitum. Nobody is ever taught, at least as far a I know, how to remove those old, outdated and useless instructions when we reach maturity. So they stay with us, something like the chains Scrooge will be dragging around again this Christmas.
So my question is… What is the best approach for me to end this self-sabotaging aspect of myself? Do I work through something like Teal Swan’s, “Completion Process”, or maybe Byron Katie’s, “The Work”? Or do I try to find a way to destroy it, delete this bad programming? Should I use self-hypnosis again? Not sure here. Just wanted to write this out as I attempt to synthesize these things. One thing I know for sure is that I want to stop sabotaging myself.