11-28-2021 – Is My Belief That I Need To Be Fixed Perpetuating Things That Make Me See Myself As Broken?

WOW! That is a LONG title! It comes after reading a few chapters at the end of Kyle Cease’s, “The Illusion of Money.” Some of the things he is writing there helped me get a glimpse of something potentially life-altering.

Of course we have all heard how our true natures are love, or perfect, or some variation on this theme. I gather that I need to see myself as I really am in order for me to figure out how to define or label it.

The question I am asking myself is, if the key to accessing this is to let go of any desire or need I have to fix myself, in other words, if my perception that I am broken is blocking me from accessing my true nature, and in order to see myself as I really am I have to let go of the fixing, then, could it be that belief that I am broken, not enough, stuck etc. actually be creating those experiences in my life I define as negative?

I know this is not very clear and poorly written. Bear with me. Could it be that I am not broken? That, in fact, any such concept as me being broken, not enough, stuck, etc. is actually an illusion? I mean it is not who I really am, right? It is not my true nature? If it is an illusion, it is not real, meaning that the truth is I am not, never have been, and never will be broken, not enough, stuck, etc.

So in this quest I have undergone this last decade or so to fix myself and to address my internal issues I am essentially Don Quixote, chasing after windmills. The reality is there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing that needs to be fixed. There is no rut that I am stuck in. The self-sabotage and restless sleep, among other issues, that I have been experiencing are in fact symptoms caused by my belief in and ownership of them.

Could it really be as simple as letting go of this compulsion, this drive, to fix myself? And what would that mean for this blog? Mainly I have been using this as a place to share what I have learned. But if I already am everything I could ever be, do or have, and it is just a question of allowing it into my experience, of letting go of all opposing beliefs, what would be left to learn?

Maybe the desire to fix myself comes from the belief that I am not enough. Maybe it goes deeper, to some fear. Maybe I will finally be able to love and accept myself, to see myself as good enough, once I have let go of the belief, the idea, that there is anything broken in me, anything I need to fix, anything missing in me, or any way in which I could be coming up short. Maybe the actual solution is to stop chasing after things I need to address or change or fix.

I might have more to say on this later. Gonna sleep on it for now.

11-8-2021 – Thoughts On Self-Sabotage

In the book, “The Illusion of Money”, chapter 11, Kyle Cease talks about understanding. About chasing the person or thing that gave you this feeling of expansion, instead of moving towards expansion itself. I interpreted this as a sort of “high”, and when we do this we are like addicts chasing their first high. Of course chasing someone or something tends to push it or them away from you, just as resisting something only makes it stronger.

Anyhow I realized where I have been chasing my own “high”, and that is in video games. I have been chasing that feeling I get when I beat a tough level, or a boss, or the game itself. Or when I create something for a game, something I enjoy and am proud of. These ups when I play video games are really the only happiness and joy I am currently experiencing in my life, outside of the few instances I managed to get into the flow and have release myself of all attachments to outcome. But it is easier to play Minecraft than to get into and stay in flow.

Delving into this deeper, with the book, “Stop Self-Sabotage” by Judy Ho, I can see that this aspect of myself I have been referring to my inner saboteur has its principle roots here. According to here, these two roots are, “attaining rewards and avoiding threat.” The expansion, or “high”, is related to attaining rewards. Self-sabotage occurs when there is an imbalance, and your desire to avoid threat is greater than your desire to attain rewards. Of course all anger stems from perceived threats, usually outside our conscious awareness.

It comes down to patterns of habitual behavior and responses that were installed into our operating system when we were children, and had no defenses against it. These instructions are given to us by our parents or primary caretakers, who received them from those who raised them, ad infinitum. Nobody is ever taught, at least as far a I know, how to remove those old, outdated and useless instructions when we reach maturity. So they stay with us, something like the chains Scrooge will be dragging around again this Christmas.

So my question is… What is the best approach for me to end this self-sabotaging aspect of myself? Do I work through something like Teal Swan’s, “Completion Process”, or maybe Byron Katie’s, “The Work”? Or do I try to find a way to destroy it, delete this bad programming? Should I use self-hypnosis again? Not sure here. Just wanted to write this out as I attempt to synthesize these things. One thing I know for sure is that I want to stop sabotaging myself.

11-3-2021 – How Do I Stop Objectifying Women?

OK, so a brief message to anyone of any sort of feminine persuasion before you proceed… I may say some things you may be hurt by, or take offense to. This is not my intention. I have stumbled on another of my seeming endless list of issues, and I genuinely want to know how to resolve it. If a voice inside you is telling you not to read this, listen to it, and do not read this article!

So I am not exactly sure what to call this issue. As I understand it a (typically male) person is objectifying women if they see them as nothing more than a set of tits and a pussy. Essentially. Some might say James Bond exemplifies this. I am not sure. I think there is an equally dangerous trap to fall into if we start criticizing and judging people as objectifying women. Also let’s not forget that from a purely natural standpoint, the male human is only following his instinct. The “normal” or “average” male is all about mating and propagating the species, and is programmed to see women as the way to do that. And let’s be honest… A lot of males would be happier to just have essentially a living blow-up doll they could have sex with whenever they wanted. A lot less drama, a lot less pain, no fear of rejection – the benefits are endless. Women don’t get to score points for having winning personalities when it comes to an average joe like myself seeking someone to date, much less with which to mate.

That said, I am a writer (and I am still uncomfortable saying that) and, as a writer, I must create compelling characters to drive my stories, or nobody will read them. They will be absolutely worthless. Maybe some author out there somewhere managed to become successful using cut-out characters. But that has to be the exception, not the rule. Even Stephen King instructs writers to work on their characters. If anyone knows their shit when it comes to writing, he does.

Well guess what? You can’t create a compelling female character if all you see her as is tits and a vagina. Or in my case, tits, vagina and a tail. Please don’t ask. I am really struggling here. This grand vision obstructed by the simple fact I have to see my female protagonist as an actual person, as an individual., with hopes, dreams, fears (maybe.) I have to, in short, humanize her, even though she is not human. I have less issue with my male characters. I think I might objectify people in general, even males, but especially females. So I can get over the hump with the guys and create some characters I actually care about, as long as they are male.

It would not be fair for me to take the blame for this. I am certain that how I was raised was a HUGE contributing factor to this problem. On thinking about it, I realized I don’t even really see my parents as human beings. They are “parental objects.” I see their roles. I don’t think much at all about them as individuals. I did, for a brief period of time, think of them as once being children, and trying to see from that perspective, the child inside the adult. All us adults are children that grew up, but some of that child remains with us. But outside of that I have made little or no attempt to see my parents as anything more than their roles in my life.

I am sure this happened in part because I was taken out of public school. While in a normal public or private school, where all genders attend, you can’t help but learn how to socialize with others, make at least one friend, and see the opposite sex as fellow individuals and human beings. I am sure about that. Whatever you might say about having to go to school, count your fucking blessings! Because at least you won’t be sitting at a computer screen, 45 years old, feeling completely alienated from the human race, alone with no hopes of ever meeting anyone or having a relationship with another person! You will at least, even if you ended up in a similar situation to me, have those high school experiences to fall back on. And unless you are a psychopath or sociopath you will be able to see other people as individuals, not just objects. School will teach you that. As would having a sibling of the opposite sex. I never had that advantage either. But I imagine if I had a sister, I would not be objectifying women now.

In any case being raised in isolation, with little or no contact with members of the opposite sex, will seriously fuck you up! The few times you might have contact with a member of the opposite sex, you will likely embarrass yourself and not know how to act or what to say, causing you to not only be isolated but also to withdraw. That’s how it was for me. That and a heady cocktail of being laughed at in my face when asking the only available girl on the dance floor to dance, and being rejecting when offering myself to someone who had made it clear they wanted to loose their virginity – well these and other experiences have placed me here, wondering how in the fuck I am going to fix this mess. Because I can’t write anything with female characters until I do. And because fixing this for that also fixes things for me in real life.

Let’s face it… Women are intuitive, psychic, sensitive or some combination of these three, in varying levels, though they are not typically aware of it. So if I go up to a woman and ask her out on a date, assuming I could even get enough courage to do so, she will likely say no, because she will sense that I do not see her as a person, deep down. The only way she would say yes would be if she was lonely, didn’t really know what to say, was flattered or was simply trying to be polite.

In any case… My female lead/protagonist is a young “woman” named Marie. She is of a cat-like race of people and has a tail she uses just as well, if not better, than humans use their arms/hands/fingers. She is very sensuous, lithe, athletic. She walks around naked or with nothing on at all. Hey, it’s my fantasy! She is going to find or be found by my male lead, George, who is human and a lot like me. Actually Marie has some of my attributes, and George has some others. They are going to have a lot, and I mean a LOT, of intimate, passionate sex, and yes, Marie will certainly be using her tail. NOT like that! That’s just gross… Anyhow…

That’s all I have to her right now. Some glimmerings of other aspects of her, but really I just have a physical description. So Marie is paper-thin, a cut-out. She is not well fleshed out at all, except in the flesh. This fantasy/romance is dead in the water until I address my hang-ups and internal issues around women. So my question is simple… How do I stop? How do I train myself to see women as more than their physical features or what I could do physically with them? How do I move beyond the physicality and put myself behind the eyeballs of a woman, gaining some sort of understanding how they might see the world, the things they are experiencing or feeling, the stuff of concern to them, the stuff that matters to them, how their body affects them, hell even what masturbation is like for them compared to say a guy? How do I stop seeing woman as objects, as just the physical aspects?

I know some re-wiring is needed in my noggin’. I am OK with that. I think figuring this out might even make it better for me in my RL interactions with women. But at the very least I could write a female character than both men and women could enjoy. Being me, I looked for books on this subject and found nothing. I know someone has to have written about this. I also realize that as en empath and intuitive my inability to see women as individual human beings is going to get in the way for sure. I really want to gain this knowledge, this understanding. So please comment below if you have any book suggestions. Please DO NOT, for the LOVE OF GOD, suggest any “women empowerment” focused BS! Anything that attacks or undermines men to empower women is no bueno! I just need a, preferably spiritual, but at least compassionate voice that helps guys like me to think differently about women. That’s it. Any suggestions along those lines is very much appreciated!

OK, off to take Marie out on a date. For now all I can do is try to get to know her. Spend some time with her, as if she were a real person. Because she has to be real for me, in my own mind, to be real for anyone else in theirs.

3-29-2021 – Putting On My Glasses

Sometimes I just don’t have a title for an entry. This is one of those times. I figure a title will become apparent as I write. That’s how it usually works. Just a little peek inside this particular writer’s process, for those curious.

Today I sat down and thought about what I really wanted to do, in this case regarding Morrowind, OpenMW and the Construction Set (Morrowind’s Editor.) Last night I watched a video where my house mod, Amaya Lodge, was mentioned again. It made me want to return to Morrowind. Something there feels incomplete, unfinished, or maybe just unrealized?

I was having an extra hard time seeing the screen, and everything seemed so blurry. Some years back I did get prescription eyeglasses, but I have hardly have ever worn them. I donned them this afternoon, and everything became a lot clearer. But it also makes me a lot more depressed. I have to face it that I am getting older, and that my eyes just aren’t as good as they once were. Hell a lot of things are no longer as good as they once were!

I am 45 years old and going nowhere. The absolute best thing I have ever created or made is this house mod, and one other mod, for Morrowind, a game that peaked nearly 20 years ago, maybe a little less. This house mod, Amaya Lodge, and my other mod, Valenwood, are the only things I have done, that I can think of at the moment, that anyone cares about. Maybe some of my writing here has touched someone, and some of the words I have written here are treasured by someone out there, but I do not know it, I have not received any confirmation that this might be the case.

I have to face that I have been working at things for 20 years, and I have nothing to show for it. An once again I am faced with the fact that something I determined I would never do I have done. In this case, I determined that I would not work for 30 years somewhere and retire with nothing to show for it, like my dad. Well here I am, already 20 years on that path!

I am just going to have to face certain facts, certain realizations and things that have become more and more apparent to me. I am going to have to change quite a few things. I have to clean up the mess of my life to make room for a better one. I have to get clear on what I want to do, and be honest with myself about this. I have to figure this shit out, in other words. Because if I am still sitting here, 10 years from now, still having done nothing with my life, I would be better off dead.

I don’t need to be or do anything for others. I don’t need to get caught up in the doing itself and loose sight of the goal. I need to allow myself to be do and have whatever it is I want, and I have to embrace how I really feel. I have to work with my feelings, wherever they lead me. I have to find my own path and walk it, and I have to learn how to support myself while doing so. It seems as if designing in some capacity is one aspect of my life I need to integrate in some way, and writing is another. So that is what I will do.

As I now have to make putting on these glasses a habit, so the screen I am looking it resolves from a blurry mess into something legible, I have to “put on the glasses” in regards to the things in my life that have remained blurry, indistinct, out of focus. I have to bring these areas back into conscious awareness, and I have to deal with whatever has been hiding there in the corners.

But I have to admit, I am really feeling lost and discouraged about everything right now. I wish I had some reassurance that things would be OK, that they would work out. I wish I knew enough about what awaits me in the future so I could either course correct or run to it. No matter what we do, the future will always remain just out of reach. It will always be uncertain. It requires faith, trust and knowing that the Universe is guiding you in the right direction, and you have to allow the Universe to do so. But it is not easy, not at all.

I really hope I can figure this out…

I Am Having Trouble Finding My Christmas Spirit

I really want to get into a better state of mind, a more positive way of looking at the world – all the things that tend to happen this time for me at this time of the year. But the tank is empty. I just don’t have it. I don’t enough so I can enjoy Christmas, and I definitely do not have enough to help others enjoy the holidays. I am not Scrooge or the Grinch. I do not hate Christmas, I have no fear or anger. I am just empty, numb, and finding it hard to get into any sort of festive mood. I am sure I am not the only one, especially after this shitty year!

It would have helped if I had been able to manifest some money in some way, outside of funds I have received for my birthday and Christmas. It would have helped if folks had been donating at Patreon and now Donorbox. Buying my t-shirts at Spreadshirt and TeeSpring. Hiring me for gigs at Fiverr. Hell handing me an envelope of cash on the street! Then I could have gone out and done some shopping. I love to shop for gifts for others – especially when I know what they want and I have the extra money to get it. No price is too high for a gift as far as I am concerned. If I was a billionaire and someone I cared about wanted a house for Christmas, I would find the exact one they had been dreaming about, throw a wreath and a bow on the door, then wrap up the deed with the keys. They would have that under their tree. I seriously would. Being able to be Santa Claus in that way is something I will never get tired of. Never.

That would have filled up the tank with Christmas Spirit. But I am having trouble getting my folks to communicate with me about getting a card for the lady we stay with and her parents! I have money I have received for my birthday and will likely use that to at least get some cards. I have done this before. I got a present for me, Jeracraft’s thumbdrive. I am eagerly awaiting it! In any case, this whole coronavirus thing, all the issues with going out to shop and all the issues shopping online, getting stuff where it needs to go on time, besides having no money – it has seriously put a damper on everything for me.

It would also have helped, and will help, if I could get at least a couple of nights away somewhere, some place with an available hot tub and not too many people or the associated health risks. As I said at Facebook, I could really use some time away. I need a break – have needed one for the last 4 years. I have watched others travel, visit friends, do things – hell – even get married, and I am sitting here, doing nothing.

Speaking of getting married… I grow weary of everyone I know growing up, getting married and finding some sort of life for themselves. It makes me think there is something wrong with me. Because I have been unable to do any of that for the last 25 fucking years! One of my family members, who I was close to for a while, got married and invited me to her wedding. I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. Mainly because I had, up to that point, been to way too many weddings. I was suicidal at the time and knew that if I went I would probably end up killing myself. She will never know any of this and will remain angry at me and distant. It is for the best.

Yes, I have admitted it here. But if you didn’t suspect it by now, you haven’t been reading the things I have written very closely. I have been suicidal all my life, up until a few months ago. I don’t think I had come out and said it here yet, but maybe I have. In any case, I have thrown myself into a full commitment with life, but as this year winds down, and with what is looming next year, I suspect I made the wrong decision. But I am not giving up, I will somehow accomplish my goals by the time the least expires or we leave this place. I have no idea how, but I will. Failure is not an option – I am NOT living in the RV after next year, even if it kills me, both figuratively and literally!

All my hard work at YouTube, Fiverr, Spreadshirt and TeeSpring will pay off, or I will find other things that will. I know I am moving from this house into my own spaces and rooms in another! And I know I will find, somewhere, a little Christmas Magic, maybe in some lost corner of my spirit. I will gather it up, put it in my tank and enjoy the holidays. I will enjoy them even if I don’t get any presents, even if I do get presents but they are not what I need or want, and even if I am unable to give presents to all the people in my life I care about, that I love, that are special to me. I will get through this year, and I will emerge ready to go 10 rounds toe-to-toe with 2021. It will be an EPIC fight!

One of the first things I will find a way to address is my exercise needs. I will start with this cheap jump rope I purchased.

11-23-2020 – I Need To Rant

I know it is typical at this time of year to list all the things you are thankful for. I am not ready for that yet. I have some things I need to get off my chest. Maybe I will at least gain some perspective. I could be thankful for that, if I at least get that.

So here is how I currently see and understand things… I am responsible for the life I experience. Nothing has, can or will happen to me that I do not ask for at some level. I have been programmed, essentially, since I was a child to behave, think and perceive the world, and myself, in a certain way. This programming comes from my family and family lines. My parents taught me as they were taught, their parents taught them as they were taught, so on and so forth. In addition to that there is societal programming that comes from my social and societal place, as it were.

In other words, a king in a foreign country will have different societal programming than me. I don’t think folks really realize this, but people over in Japan or China or even England think differently, sometimes radically so, from your typical born and raised American. And people in a trailer park think differently than the folks in mansions on Beverly Hills.

Moving on…

I have been working on my programming for roughly the last decade, ever since I became aware of how it was limiting me. I broke away from the Christian religion and started to walk my own spiritual path. I experienced things I could never have experienced as a Christian, and would never have even known about. But it has not really made my life better. It has not really affected any lasting, meaningful change, other than I am now able to be open around other belief systems/religions, and I am more open-minded in general. I am also able to learn about aspects of myself that I would never have been aware of otherwise.

I guess what I am trying to say is that freeing myself from Christianity hasn’t fixed anything in my life. Now I didn’t free myself from religion for that reason. But as I learned about beliefs and belief structures, how certain ways of thinking can become a habit and all that other stuff, I look back and I wonder why there wasn’t any sort of dramatic, drastic change. I think maybe it is because a lot of those belief systems are still there, under the surface as it were. I cut down the damn tree, but the roots remain. I wish I could have taken a stick of dynamite to it! In fact, I would like to do so now.

So maybe that is why I am sitting here, thinking about things, and have said to myself, “I wish I had had some sort contract to sign, that would state am am agreeing to being a 44 year old man, single, living with his parents, with no money to buy the things he needs or wants to buy, and no access to any large sources of income.”

You see that is the problem. I NEVER CONSCIOUSLY AGREED TO MY CURRENT LIFE EXPERIENCE! As far as I am concerned, I created it. But its creation and maintenance are happening at some level outside my conscious awareness. Nobody would agree to a life like this! I have no control, no way I know to consciously create the life experience I want right now, in this moment. I am stuck, trapped in my current life experience, unable to do anything I want to do. There is no book or manual, there are no clear, specific directions, as to how to change my current life experience to one of financial abundance, at the very least.

I have a lot of books that give me general instructions or a process or something like that. I have been applying myself to these, following these to the best of my ability. But here I am, still stuck, nothing has changed. I have no idea as to how to create the life I want. At a minimum I would want $2000.00 a month consistent income or some equivalent, because that would allow me to pay for my own place, cover any bills or expenses I may have, and leave me a little disposable income. I DO NOT want to work in excess of 40 hours a week for the next 10 years to start earning this. And it is not worth it for me to earn less. Maybe I could find a decent place to rent for under a $1000.00 a month in this area, but that is unlikely.

I need things to change, substantially, and I have no road map to follow, no clear way to do it that is guaranteed to bring me the desired result. Maybe I could get back into self-hypnosis, and try to bring the light of awareness to the darkened reaches of my mind. But I am tired of reading, studying, trying things over and over again and getting nowhere.

And there is no time anyway. Because in just over 6 months the lease will expire, and everyone will be moving out. Yet again I will have to deal with moving, and my body is beat up and wore out. After I get my parents all moved out, the most likely scenario is that they will move back into the RV and go back to the parking lot, as I called it, assuming it is still available. I will not live in the RV with them again, and I can’t anyway, as the bed I used to use is even more broken down and wore out than me. So I will be homeless, that’s just how it will be. Folks can call it a choice, and it is, but it also is not. It is no more a real choice than putting Trump and Biden on the ballot when you do not want to vote for either of them.

I got 6 months to figure something out. Break through, succeed, find some way to support myself. 6 months to get my own place, or if I am blessed with the finances, find a place for my parents and I at the very least, maybe even Kim’s folks if they need or want it, where we can all have our own spaces. Maybe a big house with 4 bedrooms on the main floor. Or maybe a house with a smaller guest residence. Dunno. But something like that is the dream, where I have my own space, and my parents have their own space, and anyone else we have with us has their own space. Where I have income enough to support myself, covering all obligations and leaving me some disposable income to play with.

But as it stands right now it is only a pipe dream. I have no way of turning that into my reality, no process I am aware of for doing so, no instructions, no road map. All the books I have read, all the wisdom I have gathered, are like a squirrel burying nuts he either looses, or can’t get to later because they are under a foot of permafrost. He’s gonna starve unless he finds a way to get to those nuts. But what can a squirrel do to a foot of permafrost, when his belly is empty now? Maybe not the best way of illustrating this, but the best I have for the moment.

Gonna turn off the computer and watch some TV. Try not to think, let my headache hopefully fade. But this year, both my Birthday and Christmas prospects look shitty. Nothing I can do for others or myself. And I am so over living like this. So over it. I am not even sure what to believe. Which of the teachings I have read are guiding me towards a better life experience? The truth, as it were, which will lead me to figure out what I have to change in myself to create the life I want? How do I identify those, and how do I determine which ones will get me where I want to go faster? Is there any way at all to gain any certainty, so I can see where a teaching is leading, and if that path isn’t what I want, I could drop it and pick up another?

I feel it is unfair that so much of my life, how it is now, is a result of how my parents raised me, the Christian beliefs I adopted, and all the teachings I received during my childhood and formative years. I didn’t get a say in any of that, and it is still holding me hostage. How do I free myself from all this bullshit, take the wheel of my life, and get myself pointed in the right direction? How do folks like Tony Robbins go from being a janitor to flying in their own helicopter literally months later? Because that is the kind of dramatic life change I need. What do folks like that tap into, and how can I do the same?

You know what else I am tired of? Asking questions to which I have never received an answer, and likely never will.

Getting Back Into The Habit… Some Musings On Writing Horror

Talk about multitasking! Playing two games and trying to write this at the same time. I guess everyone left… Haven’t seen any activity at all since I announced I had quit writing. A bit of an update on that… This has since changed to, “I quit pushing myself to write.” I felt so pressured to write stuff, establish a daily habit, all the things every writing book tells you to do, and that isn’t gonna work for me at this time. So while I am not fully back, announcing that I am writing again, I am back, writing again, if that makes any sense at all.

I used to write short horror stories. Yes, the guy who runs the spiritual blog. Maybe for some of you this is not a surprise. I mean things could get rather dark here, right? I used to be a Christian, I used to write poetry with a religious focus, and at some point I started writing short stories, mostly short horror stories. I have nobody standing behind me, supporting me as I say this, but I think I was pretty good. Am pretty good. I think I still have some short horror stories in me, and this is the time of year to delve into those dark waters again.

As a writer of fiction I appear to be what they call a “pantser.” I write by the seat of my pants. In writing short horror fiction, I start with an idea. This is called the “what if” by some writing texts. I just start writing, don’t even think about character names or anything, just make snap decisions as I proceed. The important part is to get the gist of the story down, then establish my character’s names and make sure everything is consistent. This works well for writing something around the 10,000 – 20,000 work mark. But after that, you need structure. You need bones to hang the flesh of your story on.

I think the scariest stories are the one where things are left unexplained. Most movies try to explain why a house is haunted. Why this is happening or that is happening. They try to show this in some way. One of the best horror movies of all time, in my mind, is Grave Encounters. Even What Keeps You Alive, by some of the same people. Because these movies leave you in the unknown, and that is the scariest place for a story to leave you. You find yourself in the dark, in a huge room, with things slithering around you, brushing against your leg, and you have no idea what the hell they are, where the hell you are, or how or why you got there.

I think the second pillar, as it were, holding up the structure of truly terrifying horror stories is logic. While the monster or its motivations remains unclear, unexplained, there is a logic in there, mostly that this could happen. To help make this clearer, if anyone here has read “Dark Carnival” from Joe Hill’s, “Full Throttle”, there is no logic there. No way what he writes could ever happen. It is in a word, fantastical.

But in many of the Dean Koontz Odd Thomas books, you can see how some of these things could happen. In a book John Saul wrote some years ago, the wind, which is a constant in a certain area, drives people mad. If you can see clearly how it could happen, if it makes some twisted, logical sense that it did happen, yet at the same time there is an element that remains unexplained, unclear, unfathomable – if you don’t know how it happened or why it continues to happen – well then you are in one of the scariest stories, in my opinion.

I have created an account at Medium.com, and I think I shall get back into writing short horror stories. I think I will also share many of the stories I have written there. I will begin to post links to these here. I may not stick with Medium, it depends on if I have an audience or not. If I am telling scary stories around the campfire, and all that is around me is darkness and the distant hoots of owls, well that is no fun, is it? A writer must be surrounded by shivering, trembling people of all ages, all shapes and sizes, all mentalities, religions and spiritual bents, completely transfixed by the stories he tells. Otherwise, what is the point? To be a story, it must be told, and to be told, it has to be heard by others.

Here is a non-horror story I recently uploaded to Medium:

Do this storyteller a favor and tell me what you think. It is cold out here, in the dark, illuminated only by the glow of a dying fire, and I swear I can hear something moving out there, in the trees.

Join the discussion here:

9-21-2020 – I Am Done Writing

I have just had a sort of break down. Packed up all my writing books to go back to the library. Threw these stupid bookmarks inspiring me to write and other things to the back of the desk drawer. This will be my very last bit of writing for a while. I quit.

Spent the last 3 days or so looking for something I wanted. I needed the outlet. I do not enjoy writing. I do not love it. Yet I am told this is what I am here to do. Fine. But give me other things I can enjoy and love! But no, the Universe refuses to grant even that.

All I want is a STABLE, SMOOTH RUNNING, Android Environment running INSIDE WINDOWS that will let me install and play ANY GAME in the Google Play Store. Not downloading the .apks. No, using Google Play and having UNRESTRICTED ACCESS to every title. So the Android Environment will have to look, to Google, like a Samsung Galaxy S9 or even my LG G7 ThinQ. Something released in the last 2 years running Android 9. And it also must be recordable using OBS or some other reasonable solution.

I just want to sit down and try a few new games that game out on Google Play, doing gameplay videos of them for YouTube. That’s it, and I do not think it is too much to ask, or even demand, as the case may be.

I have put up with an old crappy laptop. I have put up with an old gaming PC. I have put up with limited finances. I have put up with being alone, single, dateless and unmarried. I have put up with not having space to exercise, do yoga or meditate. I have put up with sleeping in the RV because I do not have a bedroom. I continue to put up with living a life I do not want, and have even renounced suicide, committing myself fully to live.

I have put with so much shit over the years I know I am well past any reasonable quota. I am putting my foot down on this, telling everything and everyone in whatever realms exist that if they want me to write they better damn well give me what I want.

Don’t expect anything else to show up here anytime soon.

9-19-2020 – After The Storm

So the windstorm lasted about 3 days, and it took down part of a standing dead tree not far from where the RV I sleep in is parked. Also not far from the horse trough and power lines overhead. It scattered limbs all over the place, and we are still cleaning everything up.

After that the fires in the east and across the river left a smokey, thick air that literally hung around for a week. It made my nostrils burn, made it hard to think or do anything, much less breathe, and I am sad to report I go almost nothing done. In fact fell into a fairly bad mindset, and didn’t even try to meet online with the two writer’s groups I have tentatively joined.

But yesterday I saw the sun, the full sun, not some dull pink disc hanging in the sky! It really did life my spirits, that and the fact I could see the distant hills again, as the smog or fog or rain clouds or whatever combination had receded. Whatever is there is still there, but the air is fresh and clear, and the bad stuff seems to have been pushed out to the distant hills, or washed away.

Just the other night we had such a downpour of rain! A real cloudburst, but it lasted for a few hours before dropping off to a normal rain. The water in my horse trough became a sort of green stew with leaves and pieces of moss floating around inside. I dunked my face in it before I knew that. Now the ground is wet and the birds are singing again. I swear I hardly heard anything other than dogs barking these last few days. No owls hooting at night or birds singing at the close of the day, as I hear now. I always wonder what they are saying to each other. Something like good night, hide well so the predators don’t get you?

Also the other day I suffered from a very bad headache. I am sure it is stress, from all that has happened with the conditions outside recently, to concerns and strains with my life, to the stupid game I insist on playing. I had to come to a place where I decided I would not let the game get to me, and if it started to, I would stop playing. To just let go of the goals I wanted to accomplish but, currently, are unable to. There is great freedom in embracing your current, perceived limitations. Just acknowledging that this is where you are, and to stop struggling so damn much!

We fight so hard to control things, to make things bend to our will. We make it harder than it ever has to be. We espouse hard work as some kind of virtue. We really are like Sisyphus, pushing that damn rock up the hill, over and over again, and for what? Why not just let it go? What is the point in fighting if you are certain you will not win? By all means, work hard at the things that matter to you. But only on the things that matter to you, that you really care about. And learn to walk a balance between pushing ahead and easing off. If you drove your car like you drive your life you will get into a wreck before you know it! The brake pedal is there for a reason.

Just as in driving there is pushing ahead, slowing down, stopping, there are times in life when pushing is necessary, there are times in life to let go, and there are times in life to simply hit the brakes and let things be as they are. How are you driving your life? Pedal to the metal, full steam ahead? Straight into whatever immutable obstacle awaits you, right into the waiting arms of cancer and disease. You are literally pushing yourself to death!

Life does not have to be so hard. I need to hear this as much as I need to say it. There is a flow, and sometimes you drift with it, and sometimes you grab the oars and row. You always get to choose where to point your vessel. But you only get to choose where to point it. You are not in control of the flow, you have no say in the direction or strength of the current. But you can choose what course to take, and what direction you will go.

These next few days will bring some changes, some things I am going to try and work through. I will come back here with anything I learn.