7-7-2019 – Independence Day

So July 4th has come and gone. I think back, and still can’t believe I am a 2018 graduate! It seems so long ago, almost like it happened to another person. But no, this was the major event of my life last year.

I have been helping a lady I occasionally work for these last few days. The work itself hasn’t been too hard. But I have worked hard at it, and it has worn me down. I have been paid promptly and well. But so many times I have had to lock my lips shut.

The lady I work for has an, entrenched, viewpoint about the world – how things are and how things work. Some examples:

  • I should never expect anything for free. If I do I am taking advantage. Everything must be paid for – must be an exchange.
  • The world is hard – life is hard.
  • People are not inherently good or nice.

I gotta say I am FUCKING TIRED of people telling me how I am doing something wrong, or am wrong, or am bad, or don’t know something, or don’t understand something, or have no experience, or that my opinion doesn’t matter, etc. etc. etc.

I WILL NOT be browbeat into submission to someone’s viewpoints about humans, society or the world in general and at large. I ADAMANTLY REFUSE to buy into the bullshit so many people in my life keep spewin’! I CLAIM and DEMAND the right to define humanity, society and the world in general and at large as I DAMN WELL PLEASE!!! My beliefs, feelings, opinions, thoughts and viewpoints are just as valid as EVERYONE ELSE’S, regardless of age, creed, experience, genetics, species, race. etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I am not a black man and I can not really know the black man’s struggle. Yes, I am not a woman and can not really know the struggle of women. Yes I have traveled only 43 times around the sun, not 69 or 93 or whatever. But that does not mean, in any way, that I CAN NOT know, at some level, or empathize, or understand, or be sympathetic too, these things which are outside my personal experience.

It also doesn’t mean that my viewpoints are irreverent and/or worthless. I can put myself in the black man’s shoes, the woman’s shoes, the elders’ shoes. And I know things. I do not know how or why I know things, but I have long known and even understood things outside my life experience.

My point is that you can put your GODDAMN box away, because I do not fit inside of it. I am beyond and outside your definition. I am unlike anyone you have ever met or known. I am unique. Not special – unique. I don’t know that I buy into the whole specialness thing. Maybe if I was born with superpowers. But unique – HELL YES! There never has been anyone like me on the earth, and there will never be anyone EXACTLY like me after I leave it. I am the only one. And I have experienced things few other humans in history have.

I am empathetic, sensitive and maybe even a bit telepathic. I have not tried to develop any of these abilities or skills or whatever they are. And it could be that I just have a knack for reading body language, though I doubt that is it. I FEEL things, I practice listening to my gut and intuition, and I advise my parents to do the same. I KNOW things I can not trace back to any previously collected knowledge.

As before I do not say these things to boast. No. I think all I am currently experiencing in my life can be experienced by others. It only requires openness and receptivity to certain things, and I share this constantly.

I have adopted the belief that all humans are inherently good – inherently divine. No matter what someone does, that is just a role they are playing, a mask they are wearing. That is God there, under that mask, acting out that role. I have also adopted the belief that the Universe is ultimately good, that it supports me and that there can be enough for all – that abundance of all good things can be experienced by all.

And I have adopted the belief that when I ask another for something. maybe an exchange will take place, but even if I do not give them anything in return, they receive a chance to serve. The opportunity to serve is an invaluable experience – a gift that we must all be open to giving to others in our lives, especially our loved ones. We are not meant to go it alone. We are all meant to support one another in our various endeavors, in whatever way it comes naturally to use to contribute, in whatever way we desire to contribute, with our whole heart.

Part of what pissed me off these last few days is that this person I work for tells me I should pay for my shower. After all, the lady my parents are renting from likely pays for her water. But as far as I am concerned, my parents are paying part of the rent, so they have equal rights, and those rights pass down to children and grandchildren. Especially as the person they are renting from has her daughters living with her.

But this idea, that I am somehow bad for believing I have the right to drop by and take a shower for free, and that I am taking advantage, contributing nothing for this privilege – as if I should feel guilty about it – well that sets me off. Do either of this lady’s daughters pay for their shower privileges? Are either of them expected to contribute in some way for their mother letting them live there, much less take a shower there? No, absolutely not.

And even if this were one person’s reality, or even the reality of a number of people, that does not mean it must be my reality. This does not mean I have to agree or contribute, to what I shall now call a collective delusion, in any way. Who is qualified to define reality for another? Not our authority figures, not our religion, not our loved ones, not anyone. Only we are qualified to define our reality. But too many of us just abdicate this power, this right, to others. I refuse to do this – I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE!

Instead I claim my full power of choice, to define reality in whatever way I desire and to live my life in whatever way I choose. I will choose my own viewpoints regarding humanity, society and the world in general and at large. I will define my own reality.

Today I claim independence. I claim independence from anyone’s definition of reality that in any way demeans, hurts, minimizes or fails to completely support me. I claim independence from any sources of fear – whatever its source. Instead I choose love. Finally I claim independence from guilt, shame and another control device or mechanism which another may use to try and control me. I am and will remain an unbridled stallion, running freely across the plains.

Today is MY Independence Day. 

The Circle 29 – God’s Will Is Your Will

God’s Will Is Your Will

In this episode of The Circle I share something that blew my mind, that God’s Will is actually Your Will, that they are one and the same.

The materials I am drawing from are Claim Your Power by Mastin Kipp: https://www.amazon.com/Claim-Your-Power-Journey-Dissolve/dp/1401949541/

Also Ramtha, The White Book by JZ Knight: https://www.amazon.com/Ramtha-White-Book/dp/1578730457/

Darkness Is A Choice

We are speaking of a denial of Light
not an absence of Light
The concept of God being in all things therefore
is not so irreconcilable.

From “Emmanuel’s Book” page 18, “Darkness is a choice.”
Compiled by Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton

I think there is something we forget. Some of us, myself also in the past, talk about how evil the world is. How dark it is. How cruel it is. The phrase “The Real World” is bandied about, as if those of us who use it have any idea of what the real world actually is. But most of us that think of the world in this way, that use this phrase, have no idea how or what the real world is.

We say these things, we use this phrase and others like it, to basically set a sort of bar. We say these things to those that have not reached it. The bar is set to what we think is normal. It is defined by what we perceive to be reality. And indeed, to those who think along these terms, it is their reality.

Our reality is created by our perception. What we expect to see in the world, 9 times out of 10, that is what we see. What we expect to experience, we experience. So the phrase, “The Real World” seems to be true, and those of us who use it, say it with finality. That is our final word on it.

I see a few problems with this… First of all saying anything with finality is essentially closing the door in the face of anything that contradicts what we believe. That is the definition of close-mindedness. We become unable to see anything beyond or outside our beliefs and perceptions. We close ourselves off to ever really learning the real truth. We shut the door in the face of truth, lock it and leave him to stand outside our hearts. When Jesus said, “I stand at the door and knock” I wonder if this is what he was referring to.

Secondly we all have made (myself included), and most of us continue to make (myself excluded) an assumption that darkness = absence of Light. But Emmanuel’s words, as quoted above, remind us that this is not the only way darkness can come into our lives. Quite often, and I may even venture to say all of the time, darkness = denial of Light. In fact I will even go so far as to say this is the only real true definition of darkness. I do not think, for one moment, that there is an absence of light anywhere, even in the darkest corners of what you call the real world.

Darkness is a choice. Suffering is a choice. We are never powerless, we can always choose. We can accept or deny the Light. What is the Light? Let us define the undefinable in this way. It is that energy or force beyond the best humanity can offer. It is beyond the love of a mother for her child, the love of a man or woman for a man or woman. It is beyond the best of human lovingkindness. It is that which humanity has been looking for outside itself, but which has always been inside us all. It is what we are, when we leave our human bodies behind. It is that energy or force that gives life to everything, freely. You can give it any name you wish, for now Light will suffice.

The question is will you accept or deny that you have this energy inside you? Will you accept or deny that others have it inside them? Will you accept or deny that it is in your world, the world you live in, the world you believe in, the world you perceive? Can you find and open yourself to the Light that is in all things, even the darkest places you can think of right now? Can you find the Light in the drug dealer, the gang member, the murderer? It doesn’t matter who the darkness is for you, or where it is. The question remains, will this darkness continue to be a denial of Light? Will you continue to deny the Light?

Most humans live in a state of denial or non-acceptance. We isolate ourselves from each other. We isolate ourselves in shimmering towers of glass and steel, in layers of asphalt and concrete, from mother nature, from the earth. We are disconnected from each other and from the planet we live on. In our current, natural state the pattern of denying the Light is firmly ingrained into all of us.

It was for me as well. It is no longer. I choose to live connected to others and the world around me. I still have much growing to do. I still tend towards isolation, towards denial. The circumstances of my life must reflect this, as they do. But I am changing, I have made that choice, and you can as well.

If you want all the things that you think of as part of “The Real World” to go away, to change for the better, then you have to choose acceptance. You have to stop denying the Light. You have to stop isolating yourself. You have to be able to find the Light in anyone or anything. When humanity reaches this state in our growth as a species, and we will, there will be no more scarcity, no more war. There will no longer be any darkness, because we will, collectively, have stopped denying the Light.

So what is the darkness in your life? Is it your denial of Light? Or is it an absence of Light? Because if, for you, it is an absence of Light, you are living in denial, and will remain a victim of unwanted circumstances and situations. That is the consequence of your choice.

But if you are able to see it is your denial of Light that has brought this darkness, then you are free to choose to stop denying the light. When you stop denying the light, you will be free of unwanted circumstances and situations. That will be the consequence of your choice.

Choose wisely.


After many hours enclosed,
studying, I step outside
into the cool, evening air,
to find myself expanded,
filled with awareness,
almost even happy.

Everything is so much
bigger now, bigger than
the narrow confines
of my overworked,
exhausted mind.

The light of the setting sun,
these peaceful, floating clouds,
recharging batteries long seeming
dead, and empty.

Washing away the darkness
of the past hellish days
and cleaning some of
their stain from
my heart.

Unexpectedly, I feel peace.

5-21-2016 – Uncomfortable Realizations

In my most recent poem I mention realizations, uncomfortable ones.

I have tried and failed more things than I can count. They say it only takes one success, but I ask, how many failures can one person endure? How long until they are helpless but to have to consider that maybe they, are a failure?

My most recent failures are this GoFundMe campaign I started, and this Couch Surfing meeting I started. Nobody showed up to the Couchsurfing meeting, only one person donated to the GoFundMe campaign.

Throughout my life I have been forced to ask myself, over and over again, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I seem to get it right? Why do I keep failing? Why do I keep screwing up?

As I walked to the church my dad works at through the rain, I toyed with the idea of leaving bad personal feedback for the person who signed up to come to my Couchsurfing event. But I remember my eBay days, and am fairly certain I would get bad feedback in return. We’re at a Mexican Standoff right now, I will leave bad feedback only if they do, but purely out of retaliation and a need for vengeance.

In the end the reason I toyed with the idea of leaving bad personal feedback (which would be reasonable, as they signed up and did not attend) then rejected it is because I came to realize that I would ultimately be punishing them for being who they are.

I have no idea who they are. The point is that the only reason that this person is in my life is because I have drawn them to me. That is the same for every person in my life, the perceived good and bad.

If I were to receive negative feedback in return I would deserve it, because really I am punishing someone for just being who they are. I am blaming them for my problems. If I had my shit together I would not attract circumstances like this in my life, where people sign up and do not show up, for example.

I am also completely and solely responsible for my failure with my GoFundMe campaign. Sure I could go around hating on people, thinking that nobody cares, nobody wants to share, nobody wants to help. But all that would do is make me feel even more alone and isolated. It would put a wall up between myself and other people.

The truth is I have no experience of the actual, real people involved here. I am experiencing my perception of them and the rest of the human race. All that is happening here is the world, the Universe, is reflecting back to me my own beliefs, feelings and thoughts.

I am a powerful creator, I have created my own personal version of reality, and it is that version of reality I interact with. I am not yet interacting with reality as it is. I am just not there yet. I am only interacting with my perceptions, my beliefs, feelings and thoughts, same as probably 99% of the rest of the human race (another perception. What proof have I that most of the rest of the people on earth do not interact with reality as it is? I could be in the 1% and not even know it!)

But for all my powers I believe, feel and think myself to be powerless to change myself so that all I desire, and all that I perceive to be desirable or good, can happen to me. So that the blubber I wear on my body simply melts away, along with the pain I feel in my body. So that I find myself surrounded by friends and lovers. So that I can’t start a Couchsurfig group, because I am so desirable and popular I would need to rent the Expo Center to host everyone. So that if I started a GoFundMe campaign, I would be richer than Bill Gates and Donald Trump combined, but I have no need to, because I am already that wealthy, and not just in financial matters.

The fact of the matter is I am not allowing myself to have that kind of life experience, and I have no idea how to change it. Same old story I have been telling for years now. I am worried that I will undertake this journey and return unchanged. I feel like I am somehow locked into a setting for a version of reality I no longer want, and I can’t find the controls or settings to change it, I am not even aware of where they are or if they exist.

I fear I will come back, nothing will be substantially better or improved, I will still be without any means of supporting myself, without a passion, unable to follow my dreams, even the ones I have manufactured lacking anything I can recall from childhood. I won’t have even lost weight or gained friends. I will be no better off, so it would be better if I offed myself. I am not really afraid of that, at least I don’t think so. I seem somehow resigned to it. As if the Sisters of Fate have already woven it into the tapestry of my life and I am stuck with it. But I made the patterns that allowed this addition, it is not their fault.

I just don’t know what to do. The worst failure of all would be to not even try, to not even go on this trip. But if all that awaits me are more failures like these two most recent, if all I have to look forward to is more pain, then this is just a matter of pride, stupidity or sheer stubbornness. What a cause to suffer for!

A way to justify my suicide,
So I can say to the Universe,
“Hey, at least I tried!”

I guess if I can have nothing else in this world, I at least want that. So by pedal or by foot or by sticking out my thumb (ass, grass or cash) I am heading in the direction of California, with a few stops along the way. My only hope is that significant change will be made inside me, that I will not give up, that I will keep going and come back, changed, to such an extent that I can begin to carve out the life I want for myself.

Here’s to hoping…

Another One Bites The Dust

I am working my way through Neville’s, “The Power of Imagination”, a collection of Neville Goddard’s writings. Today I read, “Be Ears That Hear.” After finishing this, I went through the Admit, Allow and Accept process, Releasing and Letting go of formerly held beliefs.

What I used to believe was in something I refereed to as “Collective Belief.” I may have taught about it at this blog, and if I have, you can disregard these teachings. This is what any true teacher must go through as they continue to learn even while they teach. Sometimes a thing will become irrelevant, or proven to be false, and must therefor be cast off.

The idea of “Collective Belief” was an extension on how our beliefs affect reality, It seemed to me that a group of people who believed the same thing may over-ride any one individual’s different or opposing belief. A “Collective Belief” could also create a place, such as the Christian’s Collective Belief in Heaven. For Christians at least Heaven may be something they experience in the afterlife, but in my opinion it will be just one of an infinite number of “places.” Everyone there will be able to leave when they are done experiencing such a limiting and stagnate experience as perfection.

It seemed to me this is also why people are not flying around or levitating. It seemed a good explanation. Nobody is doing this because of mankind’s collective belief that human beings do not fly, mainly because of a force called gravity. If people could over-write the force of gravity, they would be doing it, right?

Now that I think of it, this is  a very good example of an unexamined belief, such as I have been writing about in a recent book I started. Maybe a lot of people, going through high school and college, have read a physics textbook that tells them about the force of gravity, how it works, etc. But I doubt a single person that has ever read such a book has really tested it beyond the simple observance that of they drop something it falls to the ground. Nobody seeks proof that Isaac Newton even existed, and even if he did, that he discovered gravity. Nobody questions what they read in the textbook. Simple observation of “reality” seems to prove the point.

But just because things fall to the ground and you don’t see people flying around like the Harry Potter movies does not necessarily prove that things will always fall to the ground and people will never fly. Even if this has always been the case up to now, which again we can’t prove, it doesn’t mean it has to always be the case. For me, tonight, it also doesn’t mean that what human beings seem to collectively believe in has to have any effect at all on me.Also I never read a physics textbook, I have just adopted the beliefs I have heard about this force called gravity. Which makes me doubly ignorant. First I have never learned about this force directly myself, and second, I have adopted the beliefs of others, which is, I am coming to learn, a very bad practice!

For all I know man used to fly around thousands of years ago, and gravity may not have been as much of a factor for humans back then. It would certainly be one way to explain stuff like this:
10 Insane Ancient Achievements That Science Can’t Explain

After reading what Neville wrote, I came to see that I found things in “reality” or “the real world” that seemed to “prove” that “Collective Beliefs” had  an effect on me. Now free of these beliefs, per the process I wrote at the beginning of this article, I can see proof I don’t have to fit into place as to how individual belief actually takes precedence.

My parents are looking for a house, and I hear from them a lot about how they might not have a choice in the place they end up. I heard the same from a neighbor of ours who suggested a place for them. It really ground against me, it just felt icky and wrong. I used to believe the same way, but I have since started seeing Source as the source of my supply, whatever form that supply may be. I no longer have a lack or limitation mindset about money. I have no steady employment, yet somehow was able to rustle up money to buy gifts for family and friends, and still come up with enough to buy myself a hammock for when I leave home in a  a couple of months. Money just comes to me a lot easier now. Maybe not in much greater amounts than before, but I think there has been an increase.

The point being I see no reason why they can’t have a mansion, if that is what they want, at the price they want per month. I could list a dozen ways how this could happen. Yes, the “reality” that many humans believe in is that a mansion or even a desirable place must be expensive or “out of our price range.” Just as many humans don’t believe people can fly around. “Evidence” can be gathered to prove this, mostly based on past events that can not be proven. “Justification” for these beliefs can be given, based on what is going on in the “real world.” But all of this is complete and utter horse shit. Roughly equivalent to believing that if you go too far into the ocean you will fall off the edge of the earth. It all amounts to nothing more that excuses for these beliefs.

Sooner or later each individual person will have to stop looking around at what others are doing or not doing and assuming that since others can or can not be do or have something, they can or can not either. Humans as a majority may not believe anyone can fly around without some sort of mechanical assistance. But that doesn’t mean you can’t. Humans as a majority may not believe in a world of magic, like the Harry Potter universe. But I say there is truth in all our stories, and it does not mean such a world can not or does not exist.

If you truly, deep down inside, beyond any shadow of a doubt, believe you can fly, then you will fly, period. However if there is any doubt, even a speck of it, any shadow of a belief in the force of gravity, it is unlikely you can ever leave the ground. So be absolutely sure you can fly before you go jumping off things. There is a fine line between belief and delusion.

Do not be attached to your life, but do not be careless with it either. Practice your flying safely, with both feet on the ground. You will not need help to take off if your belief is absolute, so any height is unnecessary, and may even be a subconscious way of showing your actual belief, that it is somehow hard or that you don’t really think you can do it because you need help.

I do not want anyone to be jumping off roofs citing this article out of context! You have believed that you can not fly, and probably also in the force of gravity, all your life. Decades of agreeing with the collective beliefs of others. It may take time until you are entirely free these assumptions about “reality”, and able to experience life without such limitations.

What I want you to take away from this is that you can agree with any collective group’s beliefs. You can adopt the beliefs of your parents. As long as you agree with these beliefs, they retain power over you. But that is the only power they have, your agreement and choosing to believe them. You can also veer away from any group’s collective beliefs, or the beliefs of those who raised you. This is what I am doing. This is what many others are doing or have done. An adopted belief only has power over you for as long as you choose to adopt it, and it is your choice. It will always be your choice. No collective belief has any power over you outside of your agreement with it, and your choosing to share it.

Be aware that the more you consciously choose to believe something, the more automatic believing that may become. I set no absolutes, because that would be a belief about this process! But it seems to me we are on autopilot with some of the things we have adopted or chosen to believe over the years we have been living. As far as I can remember I never questioned the lack and limitation belief of my parents. It just seemed that was the way things were, back when I adopted and chose to believe those beliefs. At some point it wasn’t even conscious. Any talk of money brought up these lack and limitation mindsets about it.

But now, thank God, I can question them. The more awareness and consciousness I can put into these “knee jerk” responses, the less “knee jerk” or automatic they become. They have less and less a hold on me. Those old lack and limitation beliefs have very little effect on me now, and soon it will be none. The same thing will happen, I am determining right now, with all the ideas I have about “reality” or the “real world”, including everything that tells me people can’t fly or use magic. I ask “Why not?” and receive only silence as my reply. If anyone did answer this question, chances are they would cite the past, which no longer exists and can not be proven, or say something inane like, “That’s just how it is.”

No. That’s how you believe it is. That is your beliefs superimposed on what is. That is your perception. It has nothing at all to do with is-ness. No bird believes in gravity. No flying insect either. How many thousands of gallons of water, which I know must be heavy because I can pick up a gallon of it right now, are floating around up there in the clouds? I bet you never thought to ask that, did you? How may other questions have never reached your lips? The best time to start asking is now, and you will see, as I have, there are a lot of assumptions about things we have adopted or chosen to believe. Maybe you will follow my example and start the process of releasing and letting go of these.