Something Keeps Me Fighting

Battle-scarred and weary,
Barely able  to lift my sword,
I stand, surrounded by my enemy,
Unable to even utter a word.

When we fight like this,
When our egos clash,
There can be no winners,
Only spilled blood and hurt feelings.

I wish I would stop screwing up,
Saying things with the wrong motivation,
Trying to fix things nobody wants fixed,
Trying to help people who don’t want my help!

It would be better for me,
If I could just stop caring,
Just keep swinging,
Just keep swearin’!

Instead of trying to make
these ungrateful fuckers change,
Dragging their ignorant asses,
To the best solution for all.

But who the fuck am I,
To decide what’s best for another?
Especially when I don’t even know,
What is best for myself?

Yes, I am cursed to clearly seek for
and find solutions to various problems,
I don’t know where that came from,
Or how to rid myself of it.

So here I stand in another blood-soaked land,
The hilt of my sword slipping from my hand,
As my opponents, more than I could ever count,
Keep coming, with yet another attack to mount.

I want to give up,
I yearn to give in,
But something within
keeps me standing here,
keeps me fighting.


This body
is too old,
this life,
is too long

for this young spirit.

My soul
may be old,
my heart
is lined with scars,

but my spirit is young.

It belongs to a man
who never really enjoyed
his childhood
and the process

of growing older.

I want to carve into
this aging flesh,
let the life-blood flow out
into the ancient earth,

releasing my young spirit.

I want to teach
my soul a lesson,
that pain should never
be inevitable,

that suffering should never
be prolonged,
that by the time the flesh,
has reached its middle years,

some happiness
must have been found,
some enjoyment of life
must have been experienced.

You can not scare me
with threats of hell,
I am in hell,
with every breath I take.

I yearn to be happy,
I yearn to be free.

If i can release this pain
with something sharp,
a blade, a piece of glass,
draining it from me…

when it is finished,
I shall finally find
happiness and freedom.

Hope is dream
of the pitiful,
the dirt a starving man eats
to fill his empty belly.

To dream
is to be delusional.
Better to accept
your awful fate

then to fight it.


I have made such a big deal of this thing called purpose. Feeling it’s absence in my life, or simply having forgotten it, or having suppressed it – whatever the case may be – has left me feeling like something was missing in my life. That there was something wrong with me.

I defined purpose, when I started to look for one, as that thing I came to this world to do or to learn. But I am beginning to suspect I have bought into yet another illusion. Yet another belief structure of humanity and society.

If I do not believe in fate or destiny, what room could there be for a purpose? If I would not want to be confined to fate or destiny, why would I allow myself to wear the shackles of purpose? What if there is no purpose? No fate, no destiny – nothing.

Or what if the reason I am here, call it destiny, fate or purpose, is beyond physical understanding? Something I can only translate into insufficient physical terms, like Christians trying to define God, trying to stuff the creator of the entire fucking Universe into a box. Futile, pointless and potentially harmful. Certainly shortsighted.

Eckhart Tolle teaches me that this thing called purpose only exists in the future. It is a favorite ego fantasy. That my purpose is whatever I am doing in this moment, now. To put all my attention and awareness into whatever I am doing.

I just finished Millman’s “Peaceful Warrior.” The main character in that story learns a lesson so hard it literally kills him. Not sure how that works, the mind can not distinguish between an image it holds or something the physical body sees. He has a vision of his own death. Only I think it was more than  that. But ultimately, even that character found a purpose, to be a Warrior, a Teacher.

I am troubled by this, because if I go by what Tolle says, my purpose is to be here, living with my parents in their motorhome. To have no money, nobody to share my life with. To ultimately have no future. I see nothing on this path that leads me to believe it will carry me to a life I actually want to live. And I am to embrace this, accept it, and live each moment of this life as if whatever I am doing in that moment is my purpose.

Am I not allowed to define my life for myself? To choose a purpose the appeals to me and live that? Must I just accept things as they are, whether I like them or not? On the other hand, what good does it do me to complain, fight and struggle? To, as the Bible says,  “Kick against the goads?”

If I can not embrace my life as it is in this moment, if I can not accept it as it is, then I will suffer. Do I really want to add more suffering to a life that I consider to be far less than I want? No. So I will practice this, embracing each moment, accepting it, not wanting it to change or be anything else. I will continue to train myself through ACIM so that I may see things as they are. I will accept them a they are and see them as they are. This is my intention.

I am not sure if I believe this yet, but I will state it as fact and let it be weighed on the scales of personal experience. When you were born, it was without destiny, fate, karma or even purpose. Nobody was born to be a dancer, painter, teacher, or even a Warrior. You come into the world not only naked physically but also naked in every other aspect.

Does that mean your life is meaningless? Does your life have to have meaning? It seems to me that this is heavy burden to carry. If you have not found any meaning in your life, you will feel somehow lacking or missing something. I am not so sure things have to have meaning, and whatever meaning we assign them is a limited definition at best.

You were not born with a meaning, any more than you were born with clothes, or a destiny, fate, karma, purpose or sin. Yet you were born complete and perfect. Whatever your physical condition, you came into the world complete. It may not look that way on the surface, but every human comes into the world a complete package, lacking nothing and yet having nothing more than a physical body and that energy that gives it life, call it what you will.

Maybe this is a tough pill to swallow. But I am right there with you, trying to choke it down. Because I have come to understand that of all the things I understand, I know little, and all the things I know I understand little. But I am learning and coming to know these things that have, so far, remained merely intellectual constructs.

Embrace Uncertainty, Question Everything.



Two Voices

There are two voices inside my head.
One of them tells me to keep going,
The other one says I should give up.

The one that tells me to keep going,
Points out that anything can happen,
I don’t know what the future holds.

The one that tells me to give up,
Points out that I have changed,
But my circumstances have not.

Both of these voices are correct,
But which one should I listen to?
Just what exactly should I do?

Should I continue to listen to the voice,
That tells me to keep going,
Out of fear or just being stubborn?

Or should I listen to the voice,
That tells me to give up,
So I can end this constant suffering?

The voice that tells me to continue,
Points out how much I haven’t experienced,
That there is still so much for me to try.

The voice that tells me to stop,
Points out that I have nothing definite,
No reason at all to keep going.

It is cowardly to keep going,
It is stupid to give up,
But something has to change.

I have to make a decision,
Hoping its the right one,
Because one of them can’t be undone.

I think for now I will ignore them both,
I will stick it out for this month,
Then come back to this unanswered question.

Maybe something will happen,
That will give me a reason,
To keep going and continue living.

But I fear I have waited 20 years too long,
That now I am behind and there’s no catching up,
That I will never be able to fix what’s wrong.

The voice of reason speaks and tells me,
That I can not continue to live like this,
That I need a dream to follow and a purpose.

I have waited so long, possibly too long,
I need to get out there on my own,
I need to live the life for which I was born.

But I also need something definite,
Some certain reason to keep going,
Not just hope, faith, fear or stubbornness.

I need something real I can hold on to,
Some certain reason to live my life,
A reason why I should keep going.

I fear that without it I will listen,
To the voice that is telling me to give up,
Because the other voice has only empty words.

At least I know that if I give up,
The suffering will cease and I will be free,
I will finally know and understand the truth.

I feel like am a blind man in a maze,
Or a hamster running in its wheel,
Just wandering blindly and endlessly.

When this month has passed,
Which voice will I be listening to?
What course of action will I take?


I am reading “Polishing The Mirror” by Ram Das.

There are many things I agree with in the text, but there are a few that I do not. As well as a few that I am not prepared for.

I would like to present a radically different view of suffering. According to Ram Das, and presumably as taught to him by one named Marah-Ji, suffering is a part of life. It is an integral ingredient to change. In fact no change can come without suffering, especially in a spiritual level.

What I think Ram Das, and those who believe similarly, are forgetting is that expecting something draws it to you. Ram Das himself says he was wondering what old age felt like when he had his stroke.Probably the act of expecting something, combined with your beliefs, essentially changes your energy frequency to match whatever it is you are expecting. Like attracts like. Whatever you focus on becomes your experience. We see this time and again. But even this is a belief.

The question is what lies outside of the belief and expectancy of suffering? What lies outside the belief in like attracts like? Or that expecting something in some way brings it to you? As I am right with you in still having these beliefs I do not know. But I do know enough to ask, to wonder. If we were free of all our belief structures, would suffering exist?

My advice is to simply assume nothing. Maybe everyone throughout the history of humankind has suffered in spiritual growth. But that was the past. It no longer exists. No matter hoe many times something happened in the past, there is no guarantee that is what will happen now, in this moment. For all his emphasis on “Be Here Now” Ram Das seems to be forgetting this.

It is likely you only suffer in your growth, especially your spiritual growth, because all your texts tell you that you will, or your teacher has told you that you will, or you have studied other great spiritual people and have seen how they suffered. But there are no guarantees in life, not even for suffering. Spiritual growth does not have to be painful.

Spiritual growth has been painful for me. It may continue to be so, if I am unable to figure out how to divest myself of this idea that I must suffer. Renouncing my Christian faith of 20+ years and ripping apart my identity was not easy, or without suffering. Living as a spiritual, not religious person and former Christian among Christians is not easy, and is a situation that can bring suffering, although it has been minor so far. Disconnecting myself from a Tulpa, something I created and fell in love with, hurt like fucking hell. So yeah, there was suffering in the ending of that relationship, such as it was.

But the question remains, did these things have to hurt? Not that I am dwelling on the past, just asking a simple, or maybe no so simple, question. I think the answer is also deceptively simple. No.

The Buddha was probably on to something when he said that some of the causes for suffering were attachment and aversion. If you have to break away from something to which you are attached, you can imagine that must be painful, If you have to connect to something you don’t want to plug into, yeah, that would probably hurt. There is resistance in each case. But what happens if there is no resistance, just flow? Flow can also be thought of as grace. What happens when you flow from right around or through things that other people in your position would want to attach to or avoid?

I say suffering is unnecessary. There is no judgment, karma, punishment or sin. There is really only action and consequence. Let go of your beliefs in judgment, karma, punishment and sin. Let go of your beliefs in suffering. Flow, be graceful, through the situations in your life. Through what presents itself to you in your experience. Around, over, or through what is. See for yourself if there is suffering. Prove it to yourself.

No resistance, no suffering, plain and simple. All our belief systems, our definitions of what is, our vies about reality, this is what brings us suffering. Throw that shit out, let it all go, and be with each moment, as it is, without trying to change it or experiencing anything else. Demonstrate grace, flow through each of these moments. Admit, Allow, Accept.

The spiritual path doesn’t have to be painful. You don’t have to experience pain. You don’t have to suffer. Life is not suffering. I don’t give a crap what the great spiritual masters have all said. I doubt their greatness, if they have succumbed to these belief systems.

Even the process of the physical body growing old and dying, our belief in death, is based only a a belief that everyone before us has died, science tells us that our bodies wear out and we belief what the scientists say. I think we receive some kind of programming at our birth, a package of race history and memories, including things like “laws” of death, decay or even gravity. These belief systems, this programming, is in our subconscious before we draw our first breaths. Then it is reinforced by those who raised us, or teachers through life, and our personal experience. We jump off a barn, land on the ground, break our leg. Yup, gravity works! Guess I can’t fly afterall…

But I say that it is only your beliefs that bring you suffering, that keep you on the ground, and that cause your body to grow old and die. Someday humanity will collectively figure this out. It will be interesting to see what happens when humanity reaches a point that there is no “law” affecting anyone at all, no belief systems, no death, no suffering. What kind of world would that be? What would it be like to live truly free, without any restrictions?

Well that is only a possible future, nothing more. Maybe we get to see it from the afterlife, or maybe it already exists and we can watch it once we have left our physical bodies. Since the future is a question mark, with nothing set in stone, and the past no longer exists, I will stay here, in the present moment, sharing these thoughts with you. Maybe planting the seeds for that future evolution…