I screwed up. In talking to someone today, I said the wrong thing, they picked up on it, and now they are mad at me. I should’ve known better, based solely on past experience. But that is a problem too, and I will explain why shortly. I wish I could speak like Tom Selleck in Blue Bloods, in his role as the Commissioner. He speaks with such authority, force and sureness. He acts like he is taking a moment to consider every response.

I struggle in my communication with others, and incidents like tonight’s leave me feeling like a scolded little child. A child caught doing something naughty. And I am 40-fucking-2 years old! I should never have to feel that way. I should be able to speak authoritatively. But this is not the reality I get to experience. Everyone else seems so much more adult and mature than I am. Yet I have age and experience – I have been around the sun as many times as they have if not more.

I am not sure I will ever understand what I am doing wrong, how to change it, or how to create any better experience of reality for myself in this area. I guess I will just always have to struggle with this, even when I am an old man, with many orbits and years of experience under my belt. For now I will just have to settle with this public confession, and an attempt at unraveling this mess and making it easier to grasp.

One of the issues is that what I was saying did not match what I was feeling, what was going on mentally and subsciously. I was not entirely honest in my communication. I was deceitful. It was not with any sort of malicious intent. I had looked at the menu, and I knew how much the gift certificate was worth, and it was little in comparison to the amount of items at that location. For a 4-piece fish and chips, it is nearly $25.00, $5.00 more than what I was given. So this stuff was going on in the back of my mind.

I was, and am, extremely and truly grateful for the gift. But if I am being honest, which I wasn’t then, and am being now, it was not one of the places I planned on going and it is not enough money to cover a bill that for five people will be in excess of $100.00. My “little” gift certificate, in the face of that cost, really is a tiny amount, a mere %20 of what would be needed.

But you can’t say any of that to someone who has given you a gift that, to them, is an exorbitant amount of money. Also it’s not even about that. There is social etiquette here, showing true appreciation, receiving the gift graciously the same way one would receive the highest of honors. I should conduct myself like someone receiving the Medal of Valor or whatever the highest honor a civilian is that an American citizen can receive for extraordinary service. I am not joking. Had I acted like that, I would not have offended this person.

What it comes down to is that both of us are responsible for the interaction and resulting offence. I gave the offence, certainly. But the offended party chose to be offended. How this person took what I said is entirely up to them. That is their part in this.

So in our interactions, and in the interactions between any two people, someone has to be the “bigger person.” Someone has to be the one to be very careful and considerate with what they say, thinking about every word before it is uttered. Someone has to have the highest of motivations, being motivated by love or as close to it as possible in all their responses. Someone has to be the one operating at the highest frequency and vibration as possible. That burden rests squarely on my shoulders, for no other reason that I am aware and conscious of the issue, and am also practicing being fully aware and conscious.

I can not base my responses on past experience, because that is criticism and judgment, and it will come out in what I say. As I have said before, just because something has happened in the past is no guarantee it will happen in the future. We all have the capacity for change, and if I respond to this person expecting them to be as they were, I will find myself reinforcing the way they have been, or if they have changed, I will find that my responses are unfair and no longer applicable. In other words, I have to take each and every conversation in a bubble of that moment in time only, sealed away from past and future. No expectations of any kind as to how the person will respond. Something that is very difficult to do.

I have to retrain myself entirely in how I interact with other people, and interacting with other people is already hard enough for me! I have to take each conversation I have like it is our first one, with no experience or preconceptions about the person I am communicating with. On top of that I have to be in harmony with myself, honest in what I say, not being deceitful for hiding anything. On top of that I have to be motivated by love, as as close to love as possible, operating at the highest vibration and frequency possible.

I come away from this wondering why things have to be so fucking hard. Why I have to be the one tiptoeing through a virtual minefield. Why I have to be the one to change. Why I have to jump through so many hoops. I felt the same way about dating, and making friends. It seems like it is far more difficult for me, that I have to do so much more, than anyone else. I look around and see couples and it seems to me, in fact I am pretty sure, they didn’t have to deal with half the shit it seems I have to deal with.

So I am feeling guilty and ashamed right now. Also a little angry and self-righteous. This mule is tired of getting whipped! I will apologize to the person I offended. I will be sincere and honest in my apology. But I am fucking tired of being the one who is always apologizing and going through all this bullshit. I wish I could talk to people straight up, cut right to the chase, tell it like it is, tell them exactly how I feel, with the assurance and certainty that they will not take offence, never take offence, and in doing the same with me, receive the same from me. I wish things were as easy for me as they are for everyone else. I am tired of fighting a war it seems I will never win, one which nobody gives a shit about.

Try to sift through the detritus and swear words to find the little nuggets of teaching here. I know it’s hard, but feel what you feel, acknowledge and admit your feelings, embrace them and let them go when you are ready, and be honest about your feelings. Let that honest come through the things you say, and try, as best you can, to be empowering, edifying, positive and uplifting in all your conversations. Let your motives be pure, and operate at the highest vibration and frequency possible.

If you fail to do these things, it will catch you out, as it did me. People can pick up on things, even talking to you over the phone. So think about each and every word before it leaves your mouth. In a situation like mine, focus on the giving, the spirit in that, and not the gift. Find what you can honestly appreciate and are thankful for, and when you thank that person, focus on and think about that.

Hopefully in sharing this, you can avoid making my mistake.

Love is the Answer

No, I am not going to start singing some old song like, “Love is all you need…” This post isn’t about the mushy stuff or the head-in-the-clouds stuff. Although why so many of us want to run screaming from the room whenever the subject of love comes up should be examined…

No, this is about some things I have picked up since reading some more of Rhonda Byrne’s, “The Power.” You need to read this book. Seriously. Just set aside your opinions about “New Age” or “New Thought” or the teacher herself. She is only a channel, one way this information is coming into our world. And I don’t mean in a mediumistic sense. I mean in the sense like a channel of water. Consider this teacher’s work to be one channel, flowing from Source, bringing us some important pieces of the overall spiritual puzzle.

There’s a bit in there about love, and after reading it, I spent some time just writing down the things I appreciate and love about my life. My focus on just these two feelings. What do I truly love in my love? What do I appreciate in my life? I felt compelled to do this because I was experiencing some sort of flu-like sickness, had a terrible headache and wanted to feel better. Strangely enough, after doing this simple exercise, I did.

It ties together with bits and pieces I have gleaned from other spiritual texts. There’s the Law of Attraction stuff from Abraham, teaching me that what I focus on is what I draw to me, and what I give out I receive. A lot of the other stuff I can’t seem to get a handle on. I mean I understand it, but nothing really clicked, until I read that bit in Byrne’s book and then things began to click.

I have posted before about how alien and isolated I feel. I realized today, and it’s been developing over the last few days, that I have created this experience for myself. I created it because I have been pushing people away. I realized that when I look at someone, I am immediately, unconsciously until today looking at what I perceive to be their flaws, basically trying to find a reason not to like them. Not with everyone, but with many of the people I encounter.

The issue is that the energy I emanate when I look at someone with non-acceptance brings into my life the experience of non-acceptance. I am not as open and accepting as I thought myself to be. I have been subtly pushing people away, giving out the energy of pushing away, and receiving the energy of being pushed away in return.

So you see, I have been isolating myself, by constantly finding reasons to push people away. They may not consciously feel that energy from me, but everyone is responding to it. Everything and everyone we perceive to be outside of us and separate from us is consistently and constantly responding to us, to whatever it is we are giving out, and whatever we are giving out, that is what we are receiving.

Criminals don’t get caught because they are stupid, and the police overall aren’t exceptionally intelligent. Criminals get caught because they literally draw or magnetize those circumstances, events and people to them that will catch them. Their overriding thought is, “I don’t want to get caught.” The focus is on catching, or being caught. The Universe responds by arranging and orienting everything in their lives to match catching or being caught.

If you could somehow rob a bank without a lack or limitation mindset, and with no fear or guilt, you will never be caught. But the instant you start feeling guilty, or worrying about the police catching up to you, the snare is set, and you are stuck in it. Eventually you will be caught, if you continue to feel fear or guilt. If you continually practice letting go of your fear and guilt however, you will remain uncaught.

If you entertain any sort of lack or limitation mindset, thinking that there is not enough to go around,m or you don;’t have enough, etc., you will find yourself needing to steal again, because the money you have stolen will have seemed to fly away from you. This is another trap, and it is unlikely you would steal in the first place without this way of thinking. You have to stop thinking in that way if you want the money to last, to be enough.

The longer you feel fear the closer and quicker that which you fear comes to you. The longer you feel guilty the closer and quicker the inevitable punishment comes to you. The more you think there is not enough the more not enough you experience. The more you find yourself, or others, lacking, the more you and others will be found lacking in your own perception.

This last was my trap. I realized I need to find things I truly appreciated or loved about everyone I encountered. I had to stop pushing people away because I was not interested, or they were too fat, or I didn’t like how they looked, etc. Yesterday I came to understand that to attract “the one I am with” into my life I had to think about all the things she has that I love about her. Her long hair, beautiful smile, graceful movements, lithe body, etc. Though I have not yet met this person in the flesh, my positive focus in this way is ever drawing her into my life.

I don’t have to force myself to say, “Hi” to everyone I meet. I don’t have to throw myself into uncomfortable social situations. I don’t have to game anyone. I don’t have to work hard at anything. I just need to be myself and think about what I want instead of what I don’t want. I just need a positive focus on what I want, and I get that by thinking about all the things I love or appreciate about something, whether it is real or just something I envision in my mind’s eye.

I have practiced my whole life a way of acting, being and thinking that criticizes and judges others, that pushes those I perceive to be not wanted or not acceptable away. It’s so easy to do, and I think we all do it to some extent. Who wants to have any thoughts of acceptance or love for the dirty, wrinkly, disgusting looking (and smelling) person a few seats from you on the bus? But somehow, in some way, we have to find something about them we appreciate it, and practice appreciation and love instead of criticism and judgment. Otherwise we will remain depressed, friendless, isolated and lonely. We don’t have to talk to this person. We just have to practice a different way of reacting to and thinking about them.

Thinking about the things we desire, the things we want, isn’t as simple as just thinking about them. That’s one place I got stuck. It turns out we need to have a positive energy towards the things we desire. We have to have a positive focus in order to draw these things to us. So now matter how much we think about our desire for friends, now matter how much we may visualize being in our idea friendships, if in our daily lives we are criticizing and judging those we encounter, we will never have the friendships for which we long.

Is it falling into place for you now? Making sense? I hope so. That is my intention here. It helps me to share these things I have realized, to work them out here. In giving understanding I receive understanding. That’s why some teachers are constantly earnings new things as they teach. You give knowledge you receive knowledge. But don’t forget that to make a clear path from Source into your life experience you must have positive energy and focus, and this is easy to practice just by focusing on what you appreciate or love.

An Untenable Judgment

Years ago when I was a child (and as I have probably said many times before, I may have said this before) a teacher took me aside at Hudson Park Elementary (I think I even remember exactly where this happened) and told me that the world did not revolve around me. I think at the time I had been stealing or something. Not sure exactly all the effects this had on me, but I think I stopped stealing and created the foundation for a Nice Guy persona. Here is a book to explain that:

Now I can not be sure of the teacher’s motivations here. Everyone is raised within the confines of their family belief systems. Maybe the teacher was trying to help, maybe they were trying to hurt me, maybe they were trying to shake me up a little. But ultimately the labels “selfishness” and “self-centeredness” are applied to an individual as a way of controlling behavior that is believed to be, or is seen to be, undesirable in some way or wrong.

I am only going to say this once… The world, even the entire universe, does revolve around you. Or more accurately, your world, your universe revolves around you. Everyone that can look up and see the moon will see the moon. But everyone will have a different way of interpreting and perceiving the same object, and all of them will not be seeing the object as it really is, outside of all those associations, beliefs, interpretations and judgments. An enlightened person, meaning one who can see things as they are, will see the moon as it is. I have no reference to draw from here. They probably wouldn’t even assign a name or label to it.

The point is, no two people experience reality in exactly the same way. We all live inside the orbits of our own belief systems, habitual patterns of thought and perceptions. This is why one person can pick up a penny and joyously thank the Universe for its provision, while another may walk on past or kick it into the gutter. Guess which person likely has more money in their life?

Also being selfish or self-centered doesn’t necessarily mean you also believe the earth and the universe rotate about you. In fact I doubt if anyone labeled normal would believe that. And even if someone did, what makes that wrong? You can throw all the science you want at me, that still doesn’t make one person’s unique viewpoint any more or less valid than any other.

It also doesn’t necessarily follow that being selfish or self-centered is wrong. A baby is selfish, does that mean you punish him or her every time they demand you feed them or clean their diaper? Maybe some parents do, and god help them when their children grow up. Because when those parents are in diapers, baby-like and in need of care, what do you think the children will do? They can draw from what they have learned. They will only repeat the lessons their parents taught them. Are you in a nursing home, with children who never visit and don’t seem to care about you? Ask yourself, how did you treat them when they were helpless and dependant on you? Be brutally honest, you are far too mature not to face the truth.

We have to be selfish, because we have to take care of ourselves. If we fall into the Nice Guy (or Good Girl) trap, we will put the needs of others ahead of our own, looking for all the world incredibly selfless, but our motivations will not be pure. We will not really want to be doing the things we want to do. Our heart will not be in it, and if our heart is not in what we do, doesn’t that make us heartless? Aren’t we acting heartlessly? Think about that for a moment.

If we are self-centered I guess that means we act like, and truly believe, that only we matter. We may be arrogant and conceited. But the issue is not whether or not we are self-centered. The issue is why we are acting this way. Could it be that we have an over-inflated idea of ourselves because ultimately, we feel we are full of hot air? That we don’t matter, that nobody cares about us? Isn’t a low self-esteem why we don the role of self-centeredness?

The solution is not to criticize and judge others for behavior we do not agree with. Fuck that. And fuck trying to control the behavior of others. Anyone on that quest is acting like Don Quixote, chasing windmills. The solution is to be motivated by love, for ourselves and for others. Period.

So to that long-ago teacher, you screwed up. You were not motivated by love in what you did. You were motivated by the desire to dominate a child and control their behavior. This was very irresponsible of you. The end result is that child, now a grown man, has an incredible amount of crap to clean out that he inherited from his family, their religion, and society. He became a Nice Guy, meaning he wasn’t really nice at all. He has since begun to address these and other issues. But at the root of every issue he has are the things the adults in his life did and said to him when he was a child.

You were one of those adults. If you knew how to motivate the children in your care with love, that is how you should have proceeded. But chances are you didn’t know better. So while you are partly responsible, I do not blame you. I hold no grudge towards you. I understand, all too clearly, how we are all prisoners of our beliefs, adopted, inherited and picked up by ourselves.

Instead I will point out to you, and every other adult in any position of authority, the incredible responsibility we have. Adolf Hitler is thought to be one of humanity’s greatest monsters. But this is an incorrect point of view. The real monsters are the adults who contributed to raising Hitler to be who he became. Without those adult influences, there would be no Adolf Hitler, except maybe as a painter. Imagine if he had been raised by those motivated purely by love. People who loved him and supported him. People who encouraged his artistic ambitions. We would have seen more of this:

And less of this:

And none of your bullshit about, “Oh poor Hitler, he wasn’t loved enough!” in some sarcastic tone of voice. You are damn right he wasn’t loved enough, and this is just one blatant historical example of what happens to a child who is raised by adults that would rather control their child’s behavior than actually be motivated by love in their parenting! Maybe Hitler’s parents didn’t know any better, so couldn’t do any better. I don’t know. I am not a historian. I just know that all monsters are created, or rather raised, not born. I don’t care what proof you have to the contrary. Any exception proves the rule.

It’s time to stop fucking around and face the truth. Raise your children with love, motivated by love, or don’t bother having them at all. Give them away to adoption, send them to live with relatives, do whatever you have to do. But don’t try raising them unless you can do so motivated by love. If you are yelling at them, telling them they are bad or wrong, that they shouldn’t do this or that, you are trying to control their behavior and are not motivated by love. Your children are not your slaves, nor your dogs to be whipped into obedience and submission. Your religious beliefs are no excuse. You are responsible for the adult this child will become. Ask yourself honestly what kind of adult are you raising?

I don’t know about you but I would rather see more beautiful paintings and less episodes of genocide, holocausts and war. The kind of future we will have is not in the hands of our children, but those who are raising them. Our children will only repeat the behaviors they learned from us, or that were beaten into them. Not everyone will be imprisoned this way, there are a few who escape. But none of us escape undamaged. We all bear the scars of being raised by those who were not motivated by love.


After many hours enclosed,
studying, I step outside
into the cool, evening air,
to find myself expanded,
filled with awareness,
almost even happy.

Everything is so much
bigger now, bigger than
the narrow confines
of my overworked,
exhausted mind.

The light of the setting sun,
these peaceful, floating clouds,
recharging batteries long seeming
dead, and empty.

Washing away the darkness
of the past hellish days
and cleaning some of
their stain from
my heart.

Unexpectedly, I feel peace.

Some thoughts about Swiss Army Man and Life

I have just finished watching this movie for the second time in a span of maybe a couple of weeks. Not something I intended, I rarely watch a movie again within a few months of my initial viewing. My dad brought it home and I didn’t want to be like, “I don’t wanna watch that! I’ve already seen it!” It reminds me of my brother. I know I am being critical and judgmental here, but I don’t want to be like that.

Besides I didn’t get to watch it with my dad the first time around like I wanted. It was more important for me that he got to sit down and relax and enjoy himself after a few days of hard work, made harder because he has some sort of tooth infection that has caused his face to swell up. It is his choice, yes, but my dad works so hard. maybe he is driven by personal beliefs and the beliefs of his father. But whatever the reason for his choice, he still works very hard, and I want him to be able to rest and relax when he is done killing himself off. I want to help in whatever way I can.

The first time I watched this it did not have the effect on me that it did the second time. We had just finished the movie, dad recalling the end because he had walked in on me watching it the first time. I had to start it because I had to go to be to get up early for class the next morning. I tried to explain why I didn’t tell him. I am not sure I did a very good job.

Anyhow this time I was overcome by a sudden feeling some time after finishing the movie. I can best express it through a question. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we hurt each other and ourselves so much? Are we so helpless under the control of our egos, our sense of identity, we can’t step back and see what the hell we are doing?

I read a very lengthy article about the film. Well I read maybe half of it. Just wanted to know what Dano’s character said to Manny at the end of the movie. In this article it talked about how people walked out of the theater over the farts. Really? Are we all collectively so prudish, so impaled by the sticks up our collective asses that farts offend us? What, will we beat our children if they fart? Or worse, make them feel guilty about it? About a natural body function most of us can not control? What’s next? Criticize sweating? No, guess we have already done that. BO? Definitely we frown on masturbation, no matter what our belief systems or religion.

I head this audio clip, or rather read what Trump said in it, about trying to get it on with a woman. Then Hillary says, and I think I am quoting this exactly, “We can’t have THAT MAN as president…” So Hillary not only ha a problem with men, she has a problem with men who have a healthy libido? Congratulations America! One of your presidential nominees has a healthy libido (sexual drive.) I fail to see the problem… In fact I am glad that this came out. You know what I didn’t hear when Bill Clinton was president, before Lewinsky was found under his desk giving him a blow job? Anything at all about sex.

You know who I am worried about? Hillary Clinton. That woman is so repressed, and has been since before Bill Clinton entered the oval office. Obviously the man wasn’t getting any at home, or if he was, which I doubt, it wasn’t enough. There was something lacking, and my guess is Hillary wasn’t putting out. I wonder if the lady has even gotten laid in the last few decades. I don’t have to worry about Donald Trump. He speaks his mind and is taking care of his needs as a man. But Hillary Clinton is so sexually repressed she is falling under the weight of it like a black hole falls under the weight of its own gravity.

You know who we can’t have as president? A woman who lies, who has indirectly caused the death of others (maybe even directly), a woman who can’t be trusted in simple security matters, and finally a woman who is sexually repressed. The expression, “You need to get laid” has never been more applicable to any human being on the planet at any point in time.

Monday through Thursday I ride the bus. I might get a ride to the bus stop. Or I may bicycle. I travel 14 miles to campus, and another 14 back. I spend 3 hours or so in class, and another 2 hours or so in two separate computer labs. I am a serious student. But I have never felt more alone and isolated. This whole thing in the movie, about talking to a woman, seeing her on the bus, it struck a chord in me. The whole time I was bicycling earlier this year I believed I had to go it alone, do it all by myself. I am only learning in the last few months the truth in the saying that no man is an island. Hillary Clinton is an example of what I could become if I continued down a path of taking this all too seriously believing I have to go it alone, never trying to meet or talk to anyone.

Yes, time on campus and doing homework needs to be taken seriously. But there must be balance. There must be friendships and partying. There must be an embracing of one’s self, one’s physical form and all its functions, all its parts. There must be an accepting of one’s self as they are. If you are horny, you should masturbate, but only if you have nobody in your life to have sex with because honestly, masturbating is a poor substitute for sex and it gets real old, real fast. Oh to have someone to share the act of lovemaking with!

Do not wait for marriage. Do not rush things either, just don’t hold back. Marriage and waiting are remnants of a dead and dying patriarchal and religious system. As a race we need to move on. People like Hillary Clinton and her husband are the direct results of such systems. such systems also make us ashamed of farting in public. They make us ashamed of our bodies. They tell us we must always wear clothes and hide our nakedness, often called our shame. It just has to stop. Do you think any peacock is going to propagate his species if he doesn’t fan  out those beautiful feathers? No. You might call Trump a peacock and think it is a bad thing. Not me. A man who embraces his sexual drives and urges is healthier than a man who doesn’t, or tries to hide it.

As a man who has hidden himself away, isolated himself, who still feels fear, guilt and shame every time he masturbates, who is worried he will be caught, what it would do to his parents, not to mention what would happen to him, a man who does not have the courage to say the sorts of things Trump is recorded as saying. I have always been proper and respectful. But I am miserable. The only differences between me and Dano’s character in that movie is A. I have not tried to kill myself yet and B. I don’t even have a farting corpse for a friend. In the past I have opened up my home to others, and they “got some” while sleeping at my house. You know where I was? In my room, alone, without anyone.

We all have to seriously loosen up, and the few of us that have woken up from the spell of our religions, we have to help rouse the others. Ethics, morality and religion really need to go out the window, to be replaced by a single principle, in the Bible it is called, “Love they neighbor.” I know it sounds scary, but ethics, morality and religion are attempts to control behavior. Control = repression. What happens when something is repressed, I.E. put under extreme pressure? Murder, rape, suicide and every other evil mankind commits on itself. To embrace and accept ourselves, our nature and our urges, to love and accept ourselves, will allow us to love and accept others, and give them room to embrace these aspects of themselves as well. You will find in such a society little or no crime.

I know that may be hard for a lot of you to accept. Even if I told you that others have said the same over and over again throughout our history, only to me ignored, imprisoned, killed, murdered, ridiculed, tormented or tortured. Ask yourself if the message is wrong, why does it keep showing up? How many years passed before people believed those telling them the earth was round, not flat, and the universe did not orbit around it? How long do you think that took, before humanity finally got the message?

But for now just let that be. I want you to think for yourselves. I am not trying to convert anyone. But I will challenge you and cause you to ask questions. I will also give you a very simple assignment…

Talk to that pretty girl, or the handsome guy, on the bus, or the next time you see them in the hall at school, or in the lunchroom, or at class. Ask that man or woman out at your job that has caught your eye. Stop trying to go it alone. Trust me, after over 20 years of that path I can tell you that this road goes nowhere. I would rather have a dozen girls laugh in my face than miss the one who laughs with me and smiles at me. I admit, I am not sure I could handle 20 girls laughing at me. I am not a fan of rejection. But I am also not a fan of being alone,  just one man on campus, in his own little world, isolated from everyone else.

If you ever meet me, I will not be hiding my farts. If I catch you masturbating, I will not tell anyone, I will not criticize or judge you. If you are a pretty woman I may enjoy watching you, but if you are somewhere I can catch you doing it I will assume it is an open invitation. And yes, if the worst I will catch you at is burping or farting, that’s cool too. I simply refuse to bear the burden of religion’s and society’s constraints any longer. And I am voting for Trump. Rather than put me off, this recording makes me favor him even more.

Maybe he is a racist and a womanizer. If he is these things will bite him in the ass and I have a hunch he is capable of changing himself for the better. If he refuses to adapt as needed to all the requirements of the post of president he simply won’t last very long. I just want someone in the office who speaks his mind for once, is not politically correct and doesn’t try to be, knows how to handle large amounts of debt and money, and will undo the many, many things Obama did that I never voted for and do not approve of.

And I didn’t mind watching Swiss Army Man twice. I think I may even have enjoyed it. I can’t say for 100% certain that I liked the movie or not. But I liked that the people behind it had the courage to make it, and I like that Dano and Radcliff had the courage to be a part of it. I do not approve of the borderline gay content. It never crossed the line, which I appreciate, but it came close. I can not condone or support same sex relationships. I will not hate any members of the LGBT community, but I do not have to like them either. I don’t know how I will love and accept such people as they are. But I am still growing and learning. Maybe someday I will reach that point.

It’s time to stop hiding behind that book or those headphones. Put yourself out there, and help others do the same. We are all lonely, too many of us have succumbed to suicide as a means of escape. There has been far too much pain for everyone. Embrace life and the living of it. Fart, masturbate, have sex and enjoy yourselves. No holding back, no forcing yourself. Just flow, without attachment, as much as you are able, into and out of the relationships in your life.

If you are not forcing or running away, then the timing will be right. Telling yourself that someone should or should not happen is futile. If it should have happened, it would have happened. If it should not have happened, it would not have happened. The fact that something happened or did not happen is exactly how it should be. Stop fighting and struggling against the things you can not change. Accept and embrace them, release attachment. Everything is exactly as it should be, even if from your perspective or anyone else’s that does not seem correct. This statement will prove itself true in time.

On the stage we have chosen,  whether we are conscious of the choice or not, we wear our masks and play our parts. If you are not happy with your life, take off your mask, assume a new role, select a new stage. That is the only power we have, and we all have it, equally. We can all choose how long we will wear our current mask and play our current role on our current stage. You are not destined or fated for anything, unless you choose to be. Ultimately the experience of your life is up to you, whether or not you are aware of it.

8-10-2016 – So I Completed The 30-Day Writing Challenge

I went to a book swap here in Camas a few months back and found Chris Baty’s, “No Plot No Problem!” For those who do not know, he started this while NanoWriMo thing where authors come together in November with a goal to reach 50,000 words in 30 days. Here is a link:

I decided what the hell and dove in. Having read it and completed the challenge I can recommend the book to anyone.

Now it worked out for me to do this, because as you know, and the last time you heard, I was headed down the coast to California. But I changed my plans, still left, but chose  a route called “The Sierra Cascades Adventure Route.” I made it as far as Parkdale – roughly 60 miles, before I knew I was done. That last night in Parkdale it was very late when I collapsed beside a Baptist church, sleeping on the ground because I had no other options. I was cold, alone, and I never wanted to feel that way again.

It was the wrong route, but it taught me a valuable lesson, that I need to have some sort of practical plan in place for my life. When I got back my parents were on their way to where they are now, so all three of us are crowded in their motorhome. Since I was in a holding pattern on getting work or going to college, I worked on this challenge. Unfortunately, I only made it to 30,000 words or so. I did get sick near the end, I could use that as an excuse, but as far as I am concerned, just like in my plans to bike to California, I failed.

It is very hard not to see myself as a failure. I try not to think of myself that way, I try to focus on what I have done. But I am not convinced. In the back of my mind the word failure is echoing, in regards not only to minor issues like my bike trip and this writing challenge, but also in just about every other area of my life. I am determined to change, to get out on my own and support myself. I am determined to go to college, and this time, come back with a degree in Computer Service. Everything seems to be flowing for me in that direction.

I am also determined to continue to work on myself, through the words of Tolle’s, “A New Earth” as I finish it and my continuing studies in, “A Course In Miracles.” I am also growing in my poetry and writing.

I have to believe that everything is exactly as it should be, even if I can not label it as desired or preferred. That I can continue developing my poetry and start another book but this time, this time, reach 50,000 words or more, revise it until it sparkles like a a multifaceted diamond, and then get it published. I have to believe this, or I will not want to keep going. I walk a cliff edge between giving in and the solid ground of going on. I could step off at any moment. I can not continue to live as I have, or even as I am. But I also must accept the circumstances and situations of my life, and be open as well as non-resistant to them.

I will try to record everything here, for anyone who wants to know. I will also try to continue detailing the experiences of my bicycle trip. The way I see it I have two choices before me, only these two. Go to college/get a job or bicycle to California, this time using the coastal route. If I choose this second options two things must and will happen. I will make it to the Big Sur in California, take “Pill B” which I may have told you about earlier, then, if nothing falls into place for me there, I am calling it quits.

For now going with the flow and not rushing into anything. Not attached to any particular outcome, or at least trying not to be, although I admit going back to college, making friends, dating, finding others who share my interests, and coming out of it with a degree is far more desirable to me than anything else. And hopefully, one day n the near future, I will have at least one publishable manuscript in the hands of an agent on its way to the bookshelves. If I can both finish college and do that then I will finally be able to honestly and truly think of myself as a success.

EDIT: WHEN I finish college and have delivered a publishable manuscript to an agent.

5-21-2016 – Uncomfortable Realizations

In my most recent poem I mention realizations, uncomfortable ones.

I have tried and failed more things than I can count. They say it only takes one success, but I ask, how many failures can one person endure? How long until they are helpless but to have to consider that maybe they, are a failure?

My most recent failures are this GoFundMe campaign I started, and this Couch Surfing meeting I started. Nobody showed up to the Couchsurfing meeting, only one person donated to the GoFundMe campaign.

Throughout my life I have been forced to ask myself, over and over again, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I seem to get it right? Why do I keep failing? Why do I keep screwing up?

As I walked to the church my dad works at through the rain, I toyed with the idea of leaving bad personal feedback for the person who signed up to come to my Couchsurfing event. But I remember my eBay days, and am fairly certain I would get bad feedback in return. We’re at a Mexican Standoff right now, I will leave bad feedback only if they do, but purely out of retaliation and a need for vengeance.

In the end the reason I toyed with the idea of leaving bad personal feedback (which would be reasonable, as they signed up and did not attend) then rejected it is because I came to realize that I would ultimately be punishing them for being who they are.

I have no idea who they are. The point is that the only reason that this person is in my life is because I have drawn them to me. That is the same for every person in my life, the perceived good and bad.

If I were to receive negative feedback in return I would deserve it, because really I am punishing someone for just being who they are. I am blaming them for my problems. If I had my shit together I would not attract circumstances like this in my life, where people sign up and do not show up, for example.

I am also completely and solely responsible for my failure with my GoFundMe campaign. Sure I could go around hating on people, thinking that nobody cares, nobody wants to share, nobody wants to help. But all that would do is make me feel even more alone and isolated. It would put a wall up between myself and other people.

The truth is I have no experience of the actual, real people involved here. I am experiencing my perception of them and the rest of the human race. All that is happening here is the world, the Universe, is reflecting back to me my own beliefs, feelings and thoughts.

I am a powerful creator, I have created my own personal version of reality, and it is that version of reality I interact with. I am not yet interacting with reality as it is. I am just not there yet. I am only interacting with my perceptions, my beliefs, feelings and thoughts, same as probably 99% of the rest of the human race (another perception. What proof have I that most of the rest of the people on earth do not interact with reality as it is? I could be in the 1% and not even know it!)

But for all my powers I believe, feel and think myself to be powerless to change myself so that all I desire, and all that I perceive to be desirable or good, can happen to me. So that the blubber I wear on my body simply melts away, along with the pain I feel in my body. So that I find myself surrounded by friends and lovers. So that I can’t start a Couchsurfig group, because I am so desirable and popular I would need to rent the Expo Center to host everyone. So that if I started a GoFundMe campaign, I would be richer than Bill Gates and Donald Trump combined, but I have no need to, because I am already that wealthy, and not just in financial matters.

The fact of the matter is I am not allowing myself to have that kind of life experience, and I have no idea how to change it. Same old story I have been telling for years now. I am worried that I will undertake this journey and return unchanged. I feel like I am somehow locked into a setting for a version of reality I no longer want, and I can’t find the controls or settings to change it, I am not even aware of where they are or if they exist.

I fear I will come back, nothing will be substantially better or improved, I will still be without any means of supporting myself, without a passion, unable to follow my dreams, even the ones I have manufactured lacking anything I can recall from childhood. I won’t have even lost weight or gained friends. I will be no better off, so it would be better if I offed myself. I am not really afraid of that, at least I don’t think so. I seem somehow resigned to it. As if the Sisters of Fate have already woven it into the tapestry of my life and I am stuck with it. But I made the patterns that allowed this addition, it is not their fault.

I just don’t know what to do. The worst failure of all would be to not even try, to not even go on this trip. But if all that awaits me are more failures like these two most recent, if all I have to look forward to is more pain, then this is just a matter of pride, stupidity or sheer stubbornness. What a cause to suffer for!

A way to justify my suicide,
So I can say to the Universe,
“Hey, at least I tried!”

I guess if I can have nothing else in this world, I at least want that. So by pedal or by foot or by sticking out my thumb (ass, grass or cash) I am heading in the direction of California, with a few stops along the way. My only hope is that significant change will be made inside me, that I will not give up, that I will keep going and come back, changed, to such an extent that I can begin to carve out the life I want for myself.

Here’s to hoping…