Life I Want To Live

What is it that compels those
who claim to love us, who claim to care,
to suggest we keep trying,
to put ourselves out there?

Why would you tell someone you love,
someone you call a friend,
to go out there, knowing full well
what awaits them?

Perhaps there are some things
we just have to accept,
perhaps some things truly are hopeless
with no solution to it.

I tried, I really did,
and I was rejected again,
proving, once more, that trying
is not a means to a successful end.

No matter how hard
you flap your arms
you will never rise
up from the ground.

I guess some of us
are just born with rotten luck
and I am one of them;
I really should just give up.

As far as I can see
life has been cruel to me.
I have done and tried my best
but consistently failed every test.

I am done with this, done with those who tell me
to keep going, to keep trying,
when to do so would only bring me more pain
as I am not living a life I want to live.

I Love The Fall!

I love the fall!
Light glimmering through colored leaves,
scent of chimney smoke on the breeze.
But what I love most of all

is Thanksgiving, and Christmas time,
graphic novels and books of rhyme,
being read under a bright light,
in the deepest depths of the darkest night.

There is nothing better for me,
than time spent with family,
some only seen once a year,
I am glad that they are there.

But as the year comes to a close,
I take time to reflect, become morose,
I look back on the year before,
to relive what I have learned once more.

But from this moment, until then,
I will enjoy the lights on every limb,
the blow molds, the inflatables – every decoration
that fills everyone with so many emotions.

I am thankful for the life I have had,
I have learned from the good, and the bad,
I have fully felt the happy, and the sad,
things that brought peace or made me mad.

I do not know what next year will bring,
will it bring me joy, just more pain?
More doubt, more loneliness, more of the same,
or perhaps an abundance of every good thing?

There is no way to know,
I will just have to wait and see,
how the current of my life will flow,
and what the future holds for me.

Never Be

I do not exist for you, do I?
I am like a stray asteroid,
outside the orbit of your universe.
It is so cold here in the dark.

I long for the light of your sun.
I wish I could live in a reality,
where, at the very least,
you could acknowledge me.

I would do just about anything
to have you in my life,
to touch you, see you naked
and make love to you.

I am attracted to you,
I find you so alluring,
but I have nothing to offer you,
you are so far out of my league.

I am drawn to you,
but I can’t look at you anymore,
because it hurts me so much,
knowing what I know.

I feel even lonelier now
than when I came.
I am suffering,
and in so much pain!

I wish I could change things.
I wish a different fate awaited me.
I hate my life, all this longing
for things that can never be.


We Must Address The Cause, Not The Symptom.

I am currently reading Tony Robbin’s, “Awakening The Giant Within.” I am inspired by what this man says he did. Somehow going from living in a tiny apartment, working as a janitor, to flying his own helicopter to one of his events, and doing this in a few short months. I think the man has some good teachings, but I have run across something I disagree with, in the section where he is talking about pain VS pleasure.

He talks about linking a negative experience to something you do not want to do, such as alcohol or drugs. He speaks of the time he took his children to a tenement building to look at people shooting up and child prostitutes in order to make them not want to do drugs. He mentions how the police came to his class in the 4th grade and showed them the dark side of drug use, essentially. I assume this would be their DARE program, as they came around the same grade when I was in school.

The problem with broad, sweeping statements like, “Drugs are bad” is that they are simplistic and never cover the entire truth. Even if %99.9 of drugs users shoot up in filthy tenements, that still leaves a small percentage that do not. Certainly a lot of people shoot up in decrepit buildings. But some use drugs at home, and others use them on country clubs. What of steroids or prescription drugs? What about addressing the cause of this symptom, I.E., why these folks are using drugs in the first place?

In a society where everyone has their needs met and at least some of their desires, you will not find drug users, murder, theft, etc. Truly content, happy people do not use drugs to escape, have no desire or need to steal anything, and never feel compelled to hurt others. The issue of school shootings has nothing to do with guns. It has everything to do with people who are driven to these kinds of extremes and the things that drive them.

We could say religion is bad, because some some folks in some variety of the Muslim religion have strapped bombs on themselves or each other and blown themselves and other people up. Should we make religion illegal because of the actions of a few fanatics? Why are we insistent on making guns illegal then? Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. Bullets do not load themselves into guns, people do. Guns do not shoot bullets at other people, people aim the guns and pull the trigger. And for most people, they couldn’t even point a gun at another person, much less pull the trigger!

I have said this before and it bears repeating… Take away the guns and people will use knives. Take away the knives and they will use sticks. Take away the sticks and they will use rocks. Take away the rocks and they will use their bare hands. Making guns harder to get only creates a lucrative market for those who sell them illegally, just as making drugs harder to get has creative a lucrative market for those who wish to sell them. It also means that it will be harder for those who want to use guns legitimately, to protect themselves and their families, from getting them.

Using fear to control yourself or your children is a SERIOUS mistake! Fear-mongering against drugs and guns creates a fear-based, deceptive and dishonest environment within our homes and society. We are too focused on the symptoms of the disease and not on the disease itself. The police in the DARE program are liars. Those that tell you that marijuana is a dangerous drug are liars. There is far too much effort being expended here to control the behavior of other people, and it creates all sorts of problems in society. Eventually the whole system will collapse.

If you do not want your children to do drugs you have a couple of things to address. First of all you are trying to control your children’s behavior. Too many parents get caught up in what they want for their kids, never paying any attention to what their children want for themselves, Remember you are stewards of your children. You can and should guide and direct them. But you should never attempt to control them.

Secondly your focus is wrong. You should never be concerned directly with what you children do or do not do. Instead, you should be focusing on raising your children in a way they have no desire or need to do the things you do not want them to be doing.

In other words, raise your children to love and accept themselves as they are, so they can love and accept others as they are, guide them towards contentment and joy, and the end result is a child that will never want to do drugs, and will never been driven to shoot a gun at another person.

To put it even more simply… Raise unhappy children and they will find a way to ease their unhappiness. In an attempt to express themselves, they may even spread their unhappiness to others. But find a way to raise happy children, and they will have no need to seek happiness through things like substances. Also happy, loving children are confident, self-assured and will create happiness around them for others.

Using fear to control your children, like Tony Robbins, and it will ultimately fail. How many societies have fallen because their rulers ruled through fear? Would you want your children living in a place like North Korea? Know that whenever you attempt to control your children through fear, you are no better than Kim Jong-un!

Also understand that EVERY PLANT on this planet has a purpose. Mankind’s evolution may be inextricably linked to hallucinogenic, psilocybin mushrooms. Marijuana is safer than any other strong pain reliever on the market today, it is non-addictive for people without addictive personalities, and it has no negative side effects. It does not damage brain cells, to the extent that you will become some sort of lifeless, vegetative zombie if you use it. Especially if you do not use it in abusive amounts.

ANYTHING can cause long-term health effects if you believe it will, and if you use enough of it. I am sure you could find a way to kill yourself with Aspirin if you tried hard enough. I do not recommend that. But if you are former soldier with PTSD, or have painful cancer, there is nothing better for you than smoking some weed. It will ease your pain and relax you.

The reason we have the curriculum and drugs policy we do (which attacks every substance except pharmaceutical drugs, with are far worse by the way) started with Nixon and may go further back. There has been a very active but hidden campaign against all hallucinogenic substances. But these substances are necessary for our physical and spiritual evolution! You have no idea how many things we enjoy in modern society came about indirectly from someone using one of these psycho-active substances!

It isn’t about the drugs themselves, or the guns, or anything else people want to control or make illegal. It is about how these things are used. It is about why they are used. It is about what is driving a person, and what is the societal cause. You can not cure someone by treating only their symptoms. You have to get to the cause, and that same rule applies here. If we fix the thing that is driving people to school shootings, or shooting up in filthy buildings, then these sorts of things will stop.

But if we continue to try to control people, using fear or the law or both, it will be like sealing up boiled water in a pan. It will explode, the only question is when. We have seen these explosions in the Civil War, the World Wars, The Vietnam and Koren Wars, the hippy movement of the 60’s, the racism movement, the woman’s rights movement, the LBGT movement, the bombings and now these public shootings.

Better to remove the lid, remove the pressure, and work together with our children to address the cause, than to keep using fear and the law to control things just so we can be happy. You can not control people, you can not control your children, and it is better if you just stop trying.

Because if you walk into a tenement building and are looking down in disgust or pity at people shooting up or selling themselves, you can not be loving and accepting them as they are. If you can not love and accept others as they are, chances are you are not loving and accepting yourself as you are. And this is one aspect of the issue in society we must address. It starts with you, and extends from there.

Alcohol, drugs and guns are not your enemy. These are tools, and just as someone could take a machete and chop up another person, so too can people misuse these and other things society seeks to control out of fear.

But at the same time, a machete is one of the most valuable things you could have with you in jungle (as well as a gun.) A gun is one of the most valuable things you could have with you if you live in a neighborhood with a lot of crime (as well as proper training in how to use it of course.)

Alcohol is enjoyable to a moderate extent in social gatherings, some foods tastes better with wine, and having a six-pack with bowl of spicy chicken wings as you watch the Super Bowl is probably one of the most enjoyable experiences hard-working men and women can have after a long week.

Drugs can help you deal with pain and trauma. They can also help you have extra-physical and non-physical experiences, giving you even more appreciation for our physical life and the world we live in. Also, as I have said before, you can not be depressed on shrooms!

It is time to throw out the broad, sweeping statements and generalities. It is time to be honest with ourselves and our children. People are hurting, suffering, and some of them are only finding relief by hurting others. What can we do to help alleviate their pain? How can we love and accept these people as they are? HINT, the first step is learning to forgive them. How do we find and then address the things in our society that are causing these things to occur?

There is no easy answer, no quick fix, no one-size-fits all solution. There is only our willingness to ask the hard questions, to create the needed changes, to face the challenging issues with our children, and then finally to roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty doing the hard work of creating a society where people are no longer driven to the extremes they are currently driven to. It is time, in short, to stop fucking around and get to work!

Society, as it is now, CREATES substance abuse. CREATES violence. So let’s build a different society, one that does not create these things.

This Imperfect Circle

I find myself coming back around again to where I started, when I started this blog. A sort of imperfect Zen circle. A little gap because it is incomplete, because there is always more to learn, more to realize.

I named this blog Bliss Writer because Bliss was the last part of my internet moniker. Or at least I thought that’s why I named it that. But perhaps there was something more going on?

I watched the latest episode of Yahtzee’s Dev Diary today on YouTube, and he said something that woke me up a little. I always wondered how Stephen King could collect those rejection notices on a nail above his writing space, when he first started writing. The pressures of everyday life, all the resistance he must have encountered to his desire to write – none of it stopped him.

I think that’s because writing was his hobby. As Yahtzee said (not quoting him exactly), “If you don’t enjoy your hobby you need a new hobby.” Whatever thing you enjoy doing, that might be considered work by others, but does not seem like work to you, whatever it is you can do for years and years without any fame, recognition or monetary compensation, that should be your “hobby.” I would call it your passion.

If there is something you do that you do despite what anyone says, simply because you enjoy doing it, and can continue to do that thing even if it never brings you any money, then you have the right motivations. That should lead you to success. It is how Yahtzee started out with his Zero Punctuation game reviews. It is how Stephen King started his writing career.

If your hobby seems like work, then you need a new hobby. If you do whatever you enjoy doing because you want to become wealthy, then you have the wrong motivation. Even if you were to find success, it would be short-lived.

The quality of a “work” comes from the joy and love put into it. You can’t put joy and love into something if you intention is to become wealthy by it. You can only put joy and love into something you truly enjoy doing, and will do regardless of whether or not success comes to you.

I see now that writing is my hobby. But it has become corrupted by the wrong motivation. I have become discouraged, because it has never brought me any fame, money or recognition. I feel like you, my audience, do not appreciate my work, by your lack of support. So my writing has suffered.

I need to be able to come in here and write simply because I love to do it. I need to find the same motivation that Stephen King used that had him sending out letters to agents in the first place, and allowed him to not be bothered by their rejections. What started him in submitting his work? Whatever it was, it must have been pure, because it did not corrupt his writing, his hobby, his passion.

Writing has to become my Bliss, in other words. Bliss Writer needs to be a blog written in a state of bliss. Of pure enjoyment, no matter what obstacle I, the author, face. No matter what resistance I encounter. I must write for the joy of it. Writing will now be my hobby, the thing I can do for years to come without any need for any compensation, fame, money or recognition.

The only thing that troubles me is, with my uncertain future and current age, is how long do I really have to do invest in this, to follow this path when it may lead nowhere? But then again, if I am really writing in  a state of bliss, I would not be worried about that. I am sure Stephen King and Yahtzee never worried about the road ahead. I have to figure out how to let these fears and worries go and follow their examples.

I definitely have some internal work to do.

Change Is NOT Just An Inside Job

An idea that has been circulating in the “New Age” and “Spiritual” teachings is that in order to change your world, you have to first change yourself. That change begins inside. I even made a t-shit saying this! I have said as much here at this blog. I may have talked about some other aspects of this, but I feel compelled to write about this subject tonight, so I am honoring that creative aspect or spirit in me by doing so.

A friend of mine has advised me that leaving, as I still intend to do, is not the best solution. That maybe I should wait. That I should not rush. That perhaps the Universe is telling me I should stay. But basically that I have old beliefs, holdovers from when I was  Christian, that have created my life experience, my reality. And that leaving will not fix that, I need to address the internal causes first.

I think I have been able to help him understand what is driving me. I think we are on the same page now. But until a few moments ago, I had no way to prove my case. Let’s use the example I just thought of to make a point…

Let’s say there is a woman in an abusive relationship. If she leaves the abuser, she will end up in another abusive relationship. These patterns tend to repeat. It is only when something changes inside the woman that she can leave the abusive the relationship, and break the cycle by entering into a more supportive, loving relationship.

This is the key here… The woman can stay there in the abusive relationship, forever reading books or going to conferences to change all her old beliefs, but to complete the process of freeing herself from the abusive relationship she must LEAVE. And she may not have a plan. She may even have children she has to take care of. If the abusive partner was controlling, she will have little or no money, no job or career, and if she has children no way to get these.

Some could say it is unwise for her to leave. Her children need her, she has to have food and a roof over her head, she should at least have a plan before she goes. But that keeps her in a dangerous relationship for both her and her children, if she has them.

My point is that bouncing around from place to place without making any internal changes will continuously out you in the same circumstances and situations you are trying to get away from. But staying in the same place while continuously doing internal work will ALSO keep you in the same circumstances and situations you want to get away from. AND it is hard to make internal changes with little or no support from the external living situation.

There has to be a point where you have done the needed internal work, and the next step is to change the external circumstances. BOTH are required in order for complete and lasting change to occur. You must both do the internal work, being willing to change, and you must change your external experience such that it supports your new vision for your life.

In my case I have been working on my internal issues for YEARS now. But the external is still missing my people, my spiritual support group. It is still missing my lover or lovers. It is still missing my own house on my own piece of land. It is still missing a family of my own. It is still missing a way for me to support myself. It is still missing a purpose or a reason for continuing to live this live. It is still missing happiness.

If I stay here these missing things will remain missing. In order to obtain these missing things I must go and seek them out. THAT, at the heart of this, is why I must leave. I do not need the gift of prophecy (which when I was a Christian I was told I had) to predict that if I stay here these missing things will remain missing. It is obvious.

But not only that, if I stay here I will be a burden to those living here. Sure I can work for the lady my parents are renting space from. Sure I could crash in the living room. When the work runs out, I could get my parents to pay an additional $200 a month for me to stay here, and they would do it.

But it is obvious, if you look at the situation clearly, that this is in the direction of force, not flow. I have to make it work here. I have to make myself fit here. Leaving, while hard on a number of levels, is actually the easiest course of action for me. It requires much less effort on my part to leave than to stay. I may not have a plan and the future is uncertain. But that is the most effortless path for me to follow, and, as I have said, it is the only way to obtain those things I desire. They are not located here at this time.

I would be lying if I said I liked the idea of thumbing or using public transportation  to travel down the California coast, wandering around with no goal or plan, in the vain hope that I will find some thread of the life I want to live that I could follow. I am not looking forward to sleeping on the side of the road. Living like a beach bum. Limited resources. Little if any food. No safe place to sleep. No creature comforts. No way to make money unless I stumble onto work opportunities. It does look bleak.

My friend speaks right when he says that at least here I have a roof over my head. But was we have just shown, sometimes having a roof over your head is not a good enough reason to stay in one place. Maybe even sometimes it is better to walk or run towards a definite or possible death instead of drifting towards it. If the situation in which you find yourself is leaving you unhappy, perhaps it is time simply to leave?

Maybe the external has to change first before one is willing to work on the internal. Or perhaps the external must change after the internal has been worked on. Either way, sometimes what is needed is a decision and action. Make it, see what happens, if it is not yielding the results you want, make another decision and take another action.

We are not meant to live our lives like flies in amber, stuck in one place for all eternity. Living is fluid, fluctuating. Change is constant. The person you married years ago may not the the best person for you to be with today. The friends you had years ago may not be the best people to be your friends now. We have to learn how to accept this, how to let go and move on. We need to learn how to move, when moving is required.

I hope my friend reads this and gains some understanding.

Sex, Virginity, “Saving Yourself for Marriage” and all that other bullshit…

BE WARNED! I am going to seriously stomp on some toes here! So if you can’t dance, you better leave the dance floor – OK?

So I just watched Purity tonight – one of those Hulu/Blumhouse movies. And I remembered hearing a lot of that same trash when I was a Christian. There was even a similar sort of grouping with Bill Gothard – I want to say Advanced Youth Principles or something like that. I remember a LOT of the teens in our little community church got sucked into that. One of them was Karen Piguet or Piquet – I may not have the last name right. I saw her once, YEARS ago, sometime after this program. She was still living in Clatskanie – the same area she was born and raised in.

I wish I had not been such a coward. I was interested in Karen, and intrigued by her wilder sister, Tina. As I write about them I also remember the Coonies – April, Jill, Annie and I can not remember the youngest. I tried to express my feelings to April and failed. And I really wanted to get somewhere with Annie and failed. I bet they too are still living in the same area where they were raised.

Let me make this clear to all Christian mothers and fathers out there – THIS IS NOT LOVE!!! Let me repeat that – THIS IS NOT LOVE!!! The sort of “protection” you are driven to use on your sons, and ESPECIALLY your daughters, is motivated by FEAR, not LOVE! You fear loosing your little girl. You fear her sexuality and sexual expression. You fear the loss of your identity if she is no longer yours. As if your sons and daughters are some sort of fucking possession!

It is out of this fear you fathers, ESPECIALLY you Christian fathers, are driven to things like vows of chastity and purity contracts and all the other shit you bind your children in, like chains weighing them down. What kind of parent would abuse their child like that? Force their religion on them? Force them to be ashamed of their naked body? Force them to be ashamed of a natural act like masturbation or sex?

And don’t give me any crap about what God wants, because you don’t have the first fucking clue what God wants! You only know what your pastor and the elders of your church tell you God wants! You only know what an improperly translated ancient book for ANOTHER RACE OF FUCKING PEOPLE tells you that God wants! God has NEVER, and will NEVER, speak to you and tell you what He wants, and if you are hearing such voices you better go get an MRI and psyche evaluation!

I am not condemning those who hear voices, to be clear. One of my friends, years ago, killed herself because she heard voices in her head. As I recall, she felt she could not control them, or God could not love her because of them, or something like that. She had a loving man in her life that took her all over the world but it was not enough. Because she saw this as some sort of curse, she committed suicide. But I can assure you, God did not love her any more or less because of these voices, and He/She/It did not want her to kill herself over them.

How many children will you sacrifice on the alter of your misguided, unquestioned beliefs? How many times will you lay your beloved son or daughter on the alter, like Abraham, to sacrifice them because you think God commanded it, and then, unlike Abraham, continue to destroy them – their identity and sense of self, by all these burdens you place on them? Do you honestly believe that God wanted Jill, April, Annie, Mary-Anne, Karen, Tina and so many others, to live and die in a 10 mile radius of where they were raised, to never see the world or do anything with their lives? Are you really that blind and stupid?

There is no such thing as virginity. It is a myth. They hymen inside a woman’s vagina already has holes in it, is already broken, and if sex is done the right way, it will not be torn any further. There is no such thing as childhood. It is a myth. The moment any average boy or girl grows pubic hair they are ready to mate. If they are not ready mentally for this, or emotionally, or in any other way, that is the fault of you and the society in which they live.

You expend so much energy into protecting this mythical construction of yours called childhood. Within various cultures and religions you expend still more into protecting this mythical state called innocence. Then you spend even more energy defining what is considered physically beautiful or desirable. Your children suffer the consequences, and have for years, decades, centuries now. They try to live up to all your expectations for them. They try to be beautiful, desirable. They try to wait until some unknown and indefinable “right time” for sex. I know. I speak from personal experience. I can rightfully declare myself an authority on this.

Raised as a Christian, I was made to feel ashamed for my natural body functions, for masturbating. I was told I had to wait for the “right time”, the “right woman.” She never came. My only outlet for my sexual urges was masturbation. While everyone I knew and many of the members of my family were getting laid and getting married (in whatever order they did this) I was alone. The hard truth is I will likely die alone. Because the female that is the best for me has to be a match to whatever frequency I am on, and I have t be a match to her. She has to be on my radio dial, as it were, and I have to be on hers. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that I was born with a frequency that no female has had or ever will have. I am a dud, a one-off.

But if this ever changes, if I ever have kids, my love and I will raise them to love and accept themselves as they are. To be comfortable in their own skin – they will not be ashamed to be naked or of the acts masturbation or sex. We will talk openly about sex – as much as they choose to. But ultimately, their sexual activities are their business, not ours. We will be there for them. We will give them the best information we have. But when they are ready to fly on their own, we will let them. We will be there to mend wings as needed. But our children will be free to live their lives in whatever way they desire. That is true love. The ability to gently guide and direct, as long as needed, and then to be able to release and let go.

Our children will never be ashamed of their bodies or concerned with how they look. They will not be brainwashed into any religion – no indoctrination will occur. If they find a religion they want to be a part of, we will provide information, advice as needed or desired, but then leave them to decide for themselves. Because our children will define God for themselves. They will not live and die in the same 10 mile radius unless that is what they really, truly desire. They will explore the world, experience life, think for themselves and question everything – even the things we have taught them. No belief system or societal construct will be safe. No religion or set of beliefs either.

I see now what I did not see clearly then. It always bothered me, this Bill Gothard special youth program. And now I know why. It is the epitome of creepiness for a father to give his daughter a ring, especially something like a purity ring. It is creepy for a father to dance with their daughters, in the kind of context I saw tonight in this movie – not for a little girl to step on he dad’s shoes and dance around, or for her to choose to dance with him at her wedding. But a group of fathers dancing with their daughters all dressed up – CREEPY! And it is creepy for a father to be concerned with what is going into or out of his daughter’s vagina – or any other orifice – end of story.

All sexual matters are the daughter’s business – when she is exploring this the father needs to butt the hell out. If he has done his job right, she will only have sex when she is ready. The same for sons. Both parents, when possible, should be there for their children, if they choose to and want to talk about these things. It should never, ever, under any circumstances be forced. And if a daughter gets pregnant, or a son gets a girl pregnant, the parents need to support their children – not criticize, condemn or judge them. Ultimately you need to stop trying to control your children through religion or tradition.

Let’s throw out these archaic belief systems and ways of thinking that have no place here in modern society. Let’s talk more openly about sex and stop trying to suppress it. Let’s be motivated by real love for our children, not fear under the guise of protecting them. And let’s just throw out all cultural practices (like gender mutilation through female and male circumcision) and all religious practices that are not, at their core, motivated by love. If you can not honestly say your son or daughter will be better for it, why the hell would you do it to them?

Convince Me

I can’t see the beauty that you see,
life is ugly to me.
Only the world itself has any beauty.

I know you want me to believe
that life is beautiful,
but I just think that’s a load of bull.

Certainly, there are beautiful things
“out there”,
but I have seen too few of them to care.

Life for me is pain, loss and struggle,
full of
dreams and desires I will never fulfill.

But I am an excellent student,
a good pupil.

If you can find a way to show me
just how life is beautiful,
I will, finally, be able to let go
of all this pain, all this suffering,
and I will, finally, have a reason
to keep living, once again.