Life of Confusion

I find myself repeating old, limiting patterns again. It would be so much easier to play the role of a victim. To point out all the things that are making things so difficult for me. To explain how hard my life is right now. To express how much pain I am going through.

But the fact of the matter is that I have nobody to blame but myself. Every… Single… thing in my life, everything, is there because I asked for it to be there. There are no exceptions. All the bad, what little good I can recall.

For most of my life I have vibrating at a frequency of failure. Of “don’t notice me” when I am around others. While this is changing, I still vibrate at the frequency today. The end result is that I am alone. I started vibrating at this frequency, I suspect, out of fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of failure. Unless I figure out how to raise my frequency, begin vibrating at whatever the frequency is that attracts others of higher vibrations into my life, I will die alone and mostly friendless. I will die a total failure. This will never change until I change.

For most of my life I have also been vibrating at a frequency that, I guess is something like “work sucks” or “I don’t want to work” or “I don’t want to end up like my dad.” Maybe a combination of all of these. As a result, I have been sabotaging myself in every job I have ever had. I am sabotaging myself in my jobs on campus right now. Unless I find a way to raise my frequency and vibration I will keep repeating this until I am aware of whatever it is that is asking for my attention, or until I have learned whatever it is I need to learn.

I could find blame with the people I have worked for and currently work for. Just as I could blame others around me for not noticing me or rejecting me. But if my work is not satisfactory, if I am not happy with it, if I want more of a challenge, or more responsibility, or whatever, I have to operate at the frequency for it. Getting another job does not solve the problem. I will just bring it with me into my new job. It will haunt me until the day I die or simply kill myself. I will never be able to support myself or stand on my own until I kick this motherfucker to the curb.

If my life is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of my life what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency for the life I want, not the life I am currently experiencing. If my work is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of it what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency of the work that I want, not the work I am currently experiencing.

One of the people I work for here at campus left me a scalding reply yesterday. I struggled with how to respond. Do I defend myself? Unless I am guilty, why would I feel the need? Defending myself proves that I am in the wrong, and I know it. The fact of the matter is that what they have said about me is the truth. Not the entire truth or the whole truth. There are forces at work in all our interactions with each other that few of us aware of. But as I look back on my work at that job, I see how I have been doing exactly what he says I have been doing.

While his intention may have been to point out a wrong, I understand that what I am actually getting here is a message from the Universe calling my attention to something I have been doing but have not been aware of doing. The Universe doesn’t give a shit about right or wrong. That’s a human concern. The Universe simply wants me to be who I truly am. It is simply pointing out what I need to be aware of, what I need to address. Because it knows the desires of my heart, and it can see how my actions at my work are not in alignment with the desires of my heart.

When you bend your finger far enough you will feel pain. Proceed and you will damage your finger. The pain isn’t to tell you that you are right or wrong for bending your finger that way. It is there to warn you that you are about to hurt yourself. This message from one of my bosses is just like that. I am being warned that if I continue I will hurt myself. But unlike a normal person who would usually stop once they feel pain, and not hurt themselves, I seem to have at tendency to ignore the warning and cause myself serious damage. I have done it again and again. If these were bones in my physical body, I think I might have broken every one by now! Not just broken, shattered.

The question remains, what do I do? I mean I know I need to be more aware. I know I need to operate at a higher frequency in regards to my work. But how do I do this, and do it consistently, until I have created the inner change required? How do I keep from forgetting what I have come to understand today so I don’t fall back into my old limiting patterns?

A few days ago I pointed out to a friend that they needed to be more mindful when doing their math. But the least mindful person in the room was actually me. Sure I can be mindful with some tasks, like working on math. My advice was good. But for the greater parts of my life I walk through it in a stupor. I am asleep, not aware of what I am doing at all, my mind off into the future or the past.

If it is off into the future, I am typically worried about something. Or hoping for something. Both are based off fear. If I am looking back into the past I am picking the scabs off old wounds. I am lost in regret or sorrow. Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my past that I can appreciate or be happy about? Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my future that I could appreciate and be happy about? Why are there always heavy, gray clouds threatening rain over the skies of my heart? Where, for the love of God, is the fucking blue sky? Where is the fucking sun?

If I quit my job, or quit my life by killing myself, I have accomplished nothing. I have changed nothing. If I come into human form again sometime in the future, I am placing a burden on that person which only gets heavier the more it is passed on. Because each life adds to the weight of sorrow and internal garbage that I have been carrying around since God only knows when. How in the hell can I become the one version or incarnation or whatever of me that finally opens the bag, dumps everything out, and leaves all that shit behind? How can I keep my future selves from suffering the same fate as me? How can I keep going in this life under my current burden?

I have no answers. I don’t know what to do. Or I do but not how to do it. Or I know both and am not allowing myself to remember. I wish I had some guru or something that could slap me upside my head and wake me up long enough that I can remember whatever I need to remember, do whatever I need to do, and change whatever I need to change. Because I am tired of making the same old mistakes. I am tired of walking the path of my life alone, and forcing myself to be alone. I am tired of the kinds of work that keep showing up in my life, and my seeming inability to vibrate at a high enough frequency that better work could show up. Or that would improve my current work.

I am afraid of the future. I worry about what I will do after graduation. I know I am graduating next year. I do not have a low frequency when it comes to my scholarly pursuits. But I am worried I will just keep going to school and run away from everything I need to be aware of and address. I will stick to what I have been successful at but ignore the larger issues of my life. Or I will graduate and I will make it meaningless. I will have this piece of paper and these certifications, but not allow myself to have a good, high paying job that would utilize what I have learned doing my time here.

One thing only I know for sure. I can practice presence by being here, in this moment, with whatever I am doing. I do not know if I can keep it up. But I know that today I am aware that I need to practice awareness, and am doing so. I will take that with me into my work today, and whatever happens… I just wrote, “Hopefully I can raise…” What am I actually saying? That secretly I am afraid I will not be able to.

Let’s try again… I desire to, I wish to, I want to, raise my vibration and operating at a frequency that transforms my life and work experience more into what I want, instead of more of the same. I allow myself to feel what I feel. I surrender to everything I am experiencing in this present moment. I yield to my entire present-moment experience. I set the intention, right now, to raise my vibration and increase the frequency I am operating at, starting with my work today.

3-4-2017 – Status Update

It has been a long time since I came in here and said anything. I just published my first poem in I am not even sure how long. I noticed that in the title it said peace-2, and it linked, at the bottom, to an old article I had written entitled, “Peace.” I just read this article, but it was strange, like someone else had written it. I think I had forgotten these old truths I had realized at that time. I find I still agree with what I said. It is still in alignment to what I currently believe and feel. Not like a religious belief, more like this is how something seems to me, what I think is true about it right now. I want to keep all my beliefs transitory. I want to be able to release them and let them go easily and freely, if they are no longer truth for me.

So a bit of a status update… Just about two weeks ago now, the Sunday before last, I was driving home after working for a neighbor lady I may have mentioned before, in the 2001 Lexus ES 300 that I had just purchased maybe a month or so before, and I decided to take a back road. I might have been trying to change the radio station. something caused me to not pay as much attention as I needed to, and this was not a road I took a lot, so I took a corner too wide, a little too fast, and maybe my steering gave out, it seemed to me the car was not responding, or maybe I froze up.

Whatever the case may have been, I slammed into a pole at probably 30-40 miles an hour, destroying the front driver’s side of the car, shattering the pole at its base and moving it foot or so in the wet, muddy, possibly clay ground in which it had been recently set. I hit the pole, the airbags deployed, solving the mystery once and for all about the 2001 Lexus ES 300 airbags, no, they are not the kind with shrapnel in them that have been recalled for Toyotas, else I would not be writing this, at least not in physical form.

It banged up my physical form a little but nothing major. Sometimes, strangely, I can still smell the airbags in the area of my nose where I felt pain afterwards. My left knee, which neither of my knees have ever really been free of pain or injury, hurts and doesn’t feel right. Nothing that feels like a broken bone. I have a huge bruise on my chest that showed up a few days later and is still there.

No the main thing injured in this accident was my spirit. I found my heart broken and my spirit crushed. I found I could not keep from reliving the scene in my head over and over again, wondering why I didn’t just slam on the brakes or drive out into the open field to my left. I was not under the influence. Just going too fast and not paying enough attention. I was not driving responsibly. I am so thankful that it didn’t happen a few moments earlier or later, that I did not hit anyone else.

I have since paid for this, may times over. First the police officer lied to me, not once but twice. Telling me I could get a deferment and may not have to pay anything for the infraction he gave me It was $180.00+, and with the deferment, even though I have nothing on my record, no tickets, no violations, I still have to pay $150.00 in what they call an “Administrative Fee.”

Second the towing company stole my car. Legally, through strong-arm tactics, but the result is the same as if someone pulled a gun on you, threw you out of your car on the road, and took off. There is no difference in the end result, just one process is considered bad or illegal, and apparently the other is considered acceptable and legal. For anyone in my area who wants to know what towing company to avoid, it is Chuck’s Towing in Washougal. Don’t use them, no matter what. When the officer asked me what towing company to call, insisting the car had to be removed, I told him to pick what he thought was the best one.

Big mistake. The police here in Camas must be very much like the police over in Longview, working in conjunction with the towing companies. In Longview they have something going with Bob’s Towing. I mentioned this before, years ago when my Honda was stolen out from under the apartment where I lived. Yet even though it was two streets off the main drag, the Longview police could not find it, and the towing company never reported it.

Anyhow the lady at Chucks told me that if I got them paid they would drop the additional fees from Friday-Monday, so I spent an hour working with my insurance company getting payment to them. She told me she would offer me $50.00 for the title, and I was trying to get Pick N Pull to get the car, but the lady at Chucks said they could not move my car, they would not park it on the street for pickup, even if I got permission, and when I resigned myself to selling it to her, she reneged, went back on what she had said earlier, and said no, what she would do is charge me $120.00 instead of $170.00. She would take $50.00 off the bill. She didn’t have $50.00 to just give me. So finally I brought my title, and, while recording our conversation, asked her to verify that if I signed it would she would not charge me for those extra days the insurance company did not cover. She said she wouldn’t, I signed it without uttering a word and left.

Thirdly this whole thing affected my schoolwork. As some of you may know I have been attending Clark College the last two quarters, I am wrapping up my second quarter. I have transferred over all usable credits from Lower Columbia College and am on my way to a 2-year Computer Support degree. Well after this happened my grades began to go down. It’s not that I can’t bike/bus there as I started to do originally. It is hard to explain, but having a car, having that freedom, then having it taken away, I don’t want to go back. Even though I can and have gotten by with the bike/bus travel, I just don’t want to do that anymore.

Anyway the poem I have just shared here was written just a few days ago, as I was waiting for the bus. I am starting to pull up out of the nose-dive I found myself in. I got my hands on a book; I was placing holds on my titles, seeking comfort, and this was one of them, “Taking The Leap” by Gay Hendricks. It talks about something called an “Upper Limit Problem.” Reading it made me realize some very important things.

First of all I never really believed I deserved the car. I never really took ownership of it. It came to me via a friend of my mom’s, who has also become my friend, almost even family. Her husband wanted to sell the car and had already purchased her a new one. I won’t go into the details why, but she had offered it to me for $500.00 even though it was woth easily six times that. Then the money manifested for it, and I got some work at the college so I could pay for gas and insurance. It all just came together. But I never really owned any of this.

I realized this was true when I remembered that I had never even read the manual. I know that whenever I go out and buy an electronic device or game, I always read the manual before I begin ti operate it. That is how I take ownership of something. The car was new to me, yet I never really looked at the owner’s manual. That was one side of this, the other is that I kept thinking how lucky I was to have this $3,000 car for which I had only paid $500.00. Like I didn’t believe I deserved it, which was exactly the case I think.

I think I hit what Hendricks calls my Upper Limit Problem. I Upper-Limited myself. I don’t know how or even if this ties in with the teachings of Abraham, but I remember I was not consciously unhappy or anything driving home. I was not giving thought to being in a accident, to wrecking my car. It seemed to happen out of the blue, I could find nothing on my thoughts that would have drawn it to me. But later I could see how I felt I did not deserve the car. Essentially I was sabotaging myself.

I have decided two main things since this happened. First, I will find and abolish any and all upper limits, any limitations of any kind, that I have accepted for or imposed on myself. I will tell myself I deserve to be happy, I deserve nice things, I deserve to succeed, I deserve to make love to a beautiful, long red-haired, virgin, young woman, I deserve to succeed in all my endeavors, until I believe it. I will completely reprogram myself, and I will start by working through this book.

Second, I will not play the role of a victim. I am struggling with this, as you can plainly see in this post. But I will continue to work at not seeing myself as a victim or as having been victimized. I will forgive all these people, I will release all the foul energy around this situation and free myself from it entirely, I will release and let go of all attachment and negative, undesired feeling. Ultimately I will learn from my mistakes and get right back up on the horse again. I will seek out another car that even better meets my needs or, I will move out into a place of my own near the campus, in reasonable bus/walking/bicycling distance.

Lexi, as I called her, has been, is and will continue to be one of my greatest teachers. She kept me alive and safe, just as she was designed to do, and now I will, and am, learning from the loss of her. I will turn this negative into a positive, this curse into a gift. I will transform it’s energy into something that will cause inner growth, and release any negative or undesirable energy back to the universe. And somehow, in some way, I will find my desire to continue going to college, despite my currently inconvenient circumstances, and I will finish this. I can see the finish line. I will continue running, no matter what, until I cross it.

It Is Time To Open

In doing things that we think of as requiring ability, skill or talent to do, we are like a flower. Some of us may bloom part way, never quite committing to our fullest potential. Some of us, while budded, may look around at others who have bloomed, and assume we can not bloom as beautifully, so we don’t even try. But how can we know what is inside of us unless we open and allow it to come out?

There is no ability, skill or talent to our blooming. Everyone is a flower, everyone can bloom, everyone has beauty inside that they can let out. Everyone has their own unique inner color and form. Nobody has a better color or a better form. We might perceive the blooming of another to be more beautiful in comparison to another or ourselves. We would refer to such a person as having ability, skill or talent. But that comparison exists only in our perception.

To whatever or whoever we call God, who walks among us and is the energy inside us that connects us all to each other, we are all, each and every one of us, bloomed or not, loved, exactly as we are. Whoever or whatever we call God does not love the ones we perceive to be beautiful more. Whoever or whatever we call God does not love the ones we perceive to be ugly less. When we see ourselves as beautiful or ugly, as having ability, skill or talent, or not, whoever or whatever we call God does not see this. Because whoever or whatever we call God knows exactly what we have inside.

When you approach something that really compels you, really draws you, really interests or speaks to you – something you have always wanted to do, something you may have enjoyed doing in the past, something you feel you would enjoy doing now, maybe even something you enjoy doing – that is the right time to throw out all your beliefs about ability, skill or talent. That is a good time to allow yourself to do whatever this is to your fullest potential to do so, in your own unique way.

For me there are two things that fit this description. Drawing and singing. What is it you hear about both of these? That you have to practice a lot, that you have to train yourself, right? Also that there are these things called ability, skill or talent, and that you have to have one of these draw or sing. It is easy to justify the belief in these things. If I sat down and tried to draw something I would think of as beautiful and technically proficient, in other words, if I were to sit down and try to create a drawing that would look photo realistic (photo realism being the ideal of perfection) but only managed to do something simple, maybe a step up from a stick figure, I would assume (and most would say correctly) that I have no ability, skill or talent for drawing. Or, if these others are a little nicer (or they want money from me) they would tell me something like, “All you need is training. Practice drawing every day and you will get better!”

This is what usually happens when us flowers converse among each other. When we are younger we draw to the best of our ability. But as we get older and continue to draw the same way be come to believe we can not draw. When we are younger we sing and we don’t care who is listening or how we sound. As we grow older, if we are lucky not to have others criticizing us, we hear ourselves and are not happy that we don’t sound like our favorite singer, our idol, at the time. In both cases we give up. It is always due to criticism, from others, from ourselves, or from others and ourselves. We never allow ourselves to draw or sing as beautifully and uniquely as only we can. We never fully open, never showing our inner beauty to others, never allowing the light outside to come in. It is only in openness that the light can come into us, and it is only in openness that we can show our unique beauty and form. It is only when we are fully open that we can do that thing we want so desperately to do to the fullest of our ability, in our own unique way.

What I have been doing, after reading, “Illusions” by Richard Bach (in reference to when Shimoda picks up the guitar at the hardware store) is allowing myself to draw. I used to say to my highest ability, but I see the belief systems embedded there now, so I think a better way to say it is to my fullest potential. Or I could keep it simple, I am allowing myself to draw. There is this desire however that has me wanting to draw masterfully. I can already draw. I am not happy with my drawing at this point. I assume that I am not allowing myself to draw to my fullest extent or potential. I believe, still, that practice and training are required to draw what I would call well. But, to paraphrases Shimoda, “Then that is exactly how it will be.”

If I believe I must practice and train myself to open fully to my drawing, and my singing, if I believe it must be hard, that I must work for it, as society and the world, for the most part, says it does, then I will have to practice and train to get better. It will be hard, it will be work, I will have to work at it. Also, there is a limit to what I can do, based on the concepts of ability, skill and talent. My vocal range can only go so far. Any singing teacher would tell me this. I could go to a doctor and get a professional opinion regarding it. It seems logical, it must be right. Right?

Wrong. It is all only what I call an “apparent reality.” The “real world” is an illusion, and all “apparent reality” is a part of that illusion. It is reality as defined by the perceptions, collectively and individually, of others. Of the majority, in most cases. It is called reality because, “It has always been that way” or “It as been that way for as long as I can remember” or because “That was how I have been taught” or because “I have a degree that says it is so” on and on it goes. But no reality is really real, it is only apparently real, only as real as we collectively and individually choose it to be. Another possible reality is that everyone can draw or sing, regardless of ability, skill or talent, and without any prating or training.

We live in dualism, which means that if one reality exists, so does its opposite. If there is a reality where we have to learn to draw and sing, where we have to practice it to get better, and we are limited by ability, skill or talent, then there has to exist another reality where none of this is true. You can’t get around it. If you believe in good then evil also exists for you. No matter how much you may deny it. Where one thing exists, so exists its opposite, this is the law of dualism. Where there is something you love, there also exists something you hate. Where there is something you desire, there also exists something you do not desire.

Richard Bach demonstrates this beautifully and simply by his character Shimoda, picking up the guitar, and playing it in such a way we would define it as beautifully or skillfully. But Shimoda had never played a guitar before in his life. He had no ability, skill or talent, no practicing or training. He wanted to play, so he picked up the guitar and allowed himself to play. This is what I am doing in regards to my drawing. What I will do in regards to singing. I am allowing myself to do it, and gently but persistently removing any beliefs to the contrary. I am determined to open fully, to no longer be partly open. To allow myself to do all the things I have always wanted to do, whatever they are.

Why do we choose to believe that we must have ability, skill or talent? That we have to practice and receive training in order to do well? Does a flower need ability, skill or talent to open? Does a flower have to practice openness? Does a flower have to be trained how to be open? No. Flowers open naturally. In fact nothing could be more natural for a flower. It is the same for us. Our opening is just as natural to us as our breathing. We have no more need for ability skill, talent, to practice or be trained, to open than we need them to breathe.

I am already doing this in my writing. Although you could argue that I have always had a natural penchant for it, that I have always been good at it, that I have been writing for years so I have a lot of practice, all that would produce is technically perfect writing. It is writing most people would look at all think of as good. But it is not easy, flowing, natural writing. It is not writing would contain all my unique beauty and form. It is not writing from inside of me, maybe a natural flow from my Higher Self through me.

Maybe the difference is not detectable. Maybe only you, the reader, will notice any sort of change. But on my end I can tell you the writing I am doing right now, in this moment, feels better. It feels higher somehow. It feels more free and open somehow. That is writing coming from a full blooming, a full blossoming of my expression through words. Allowing the light to come in and go out from my unique beauty and form.

This is how I wish to draw and sing. This is how I wish to do everything that I have even the remotest interest in. From dancing to barefoot running. Whatever it is I want to do, I wish to do it from a state of full openness. It is this state of full openness I seek to, that I wish to, guide you towards. Somehow, I don’t know how (and the how is not my business anyway) I will do so.

It is time for a new way to teach, not a teaching that implies others must be trained. Not a teaching that requires training. But a teaching that guides, a teaching that brings a remembering, because you all already know everything I have said to you here. At some level, deep inside, even though you may choose to ignore it or may not recognize it, you can feel the validity of everything I have said to you here. You are beginning to remember, and in that remembering, you will open.

So the kind of teaching I wish to do is a guiding to your opening, in the familiar guise or role of a teacher. Someone you may see as having great ability, skill or talent, showing you how a thing such as drawing is done. But I would have no great experience, no professional training. I would not be practicing every day. I would simply be expressing myself through drawing, whenever the desire for expression comes to me, and allowing myself to do so to my fullest potential, fully open, in my own unique way.

That is the goal, if I was one to set goals, and in general, I am not. It would be more accurate to call this commitment, right now, in this present moment, I am committing to doing this, setting the intention to do this. I the meantime I will continue to apply it to my own life, and work through the beliefs that create resistance between me and the fulfillment of my desires and intentions.