Woulda Coulda Shoulda – The Solution for Stress

I am directing this at everyone who worries and stresses over what they are worrying about. I am also addressing this to everyone who beats themselves up for either doing something or not doing it. Saying something or not saying it. Going somewhere or not going. Like all Truths, it is incredibly simple, and I have created a saying for this one. Ready?

If I should have done that, I would have done that.

Think about this for a moment. Let it sink it. To rephrase it for worriers:

If it should have happened, it would have happened
If it should not have happened, it would not have happened.

There is nothing in the entire history of mankind that should not have happened, without exception. That includes the Holocaust and any of our many wars. Before you get ready to attack me, let me clarify this… We may not like that it happened, or we may not have wanted it to happen, but the simple fact that these things happens proves that that were meant to happen.

The Universe is not chaotic. Everything happens for a reason. We can not always see the reason beyond our limited human perspective. When we are able to see the reason, when we are able to know and understand, we will. Until then we will not. Everything that has happened to us in our lives, no matter if we perceived it to be good or bead, was meant to happen. Nothing has happened to us, or will happen to us, that is not meant to happen.

This is a major burden we can release. Have any of your worries changed anything for the better? Has any of your condemnation of the bad things that have happened to you, others, humanity, etc., made anything better? Do you feel better for all your worrying and fear? Does it feel good to see something terrible that happened on the news and say out loud, “That’s wrong! That should never have happened!”

Be honest here. It feels clenched, tight, You muscles constrict, your teeth clench, you get into fight or flight mode. You are ready for battle. The problem is that you return to the tense state every time anything happens to you, or you hear about anything that has happened, that you do not like. This is, in a word, stress. It causes high blood pressure, increases the risk of heart attack, causes you to gain weight, etc.

If you can instead see something horrible, or experience something horrible, and at the end of it say, with a deep inner conviction and knowing that, “If it was meant to happen, it would. Since it happened, it was meant to happen” – that feels different. This is not resignation, because that is still a secret attachment to the way you think things should be. This is an inner conviction, and inner knowing, a faith that, even though you don’t agree with what happened, even though you do not like what happened, you acknowledge what you already know, that it happened because it was meant to.

The how and the way are not human concerns. They are simply not your business. These are left to God, Source, the Universe or whatever you want to call it. If you could know and understand why something happened, you would know it and understand it. If you could know and understand how something happened, or how to make something happen, you would know it. You know and understand only what you are able to know and understand at this point in your life. Nobody ever knows or understands more than they are truly ready for.

It’s liberating, because you don’t have to look back with regret at some missed opportunity. If you should have done that or gone there you would have. You don’t have to look back with bitterness and anger, trying to deny something that in your perception was bad that happened to you. If it happened to you, though you don’t know how or why, it was meant to happen to you. You can do the same with anything that has happened in human history.

Worrying will never find you a reason or a solution. It can’t. Worrying is denial. It is non-acceptance. You are not allowing yourself to accept something. Guilt also is denial. It is a way to beat yourself up about something instead of taking a moment to look inside yourself and facing whatever it is you need to face. In both cases you are not dealing with the issue, you are running away from it.

Allow, Release, Surrender. These are the three keys that will unlock everything for you. Embrace everything with acceptance and love, then release it and let it go. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, then release it and let it go. Proceed with confidence that nothing will happen in your life that is not supposed to, and there is nothing you can fail at because if you were meant to go somewhere or do something you would have gone there or done it. Anger, Fear, Guilt, Regret, Shame, etc. are all chains weighing you down. You will be a much happier person if you can just let all of that go.

Of course if you are meant to hear what I am saying and act on it, you will.

You might imagine, from what I have said here, that I am saying that nobody makes mistakes. This is correct. Nothing anyone has done or will do is wrong. The Universe sees no difference between a human killing a fly or another human. It sees no difference between humans killing each other and a lion killing a mouse. It sees no difference between a human raping another and a lion mounting a lioness in heat.

As much as you may not want this to be the case, Hitler is not roasting in hell somewhere. In fact, if you want him to be roasting in hell, if you are feeling anger, bitterness or hatred to another, you are the one who is in hell. Any desire for justice or vengeance closes you off from peace, and you close the door on experiencing love. Love is always there, but you are not allowing yourself to feel it. There is not a loving person on earth who seeks justice or vengeance for a perceived wrong.

As I have said before, right and wrong, good and bad exist only in human perception. There is no darkness, only light or an absence of light. The light is always there, it is humans who block it and live in darkness. You can think of your  time here in this physical form as akin to a surfer riding a wave. You are riding a wave of your actions, your choices, and whatever results from that. The ocean is the entire experience of all humans living right now, in this moment. All our waves interact and mingle with each other. They are all one.

You make a choice, You act. You steer your board a little this way or that, and ride a new wave of the results of your choice. Note that I am not using the word consequence here. That implies criticism or judgment; some sort of final reckoning. There is none. You could kill every person on this planet, you could destroy the earth itself, and you will still experience the end of your physical life, and the transition to whatever occurs after that.

You will bring with you everything you have learned. If you have grown during your time on earth you will transition to a higher form or reincarnate to learn new lessons. If you have stagnated and learned nothing, you will likely keep reincarnating until you learn whatever it is your soul needs or wants to learn. Some of the sources I have read state that immature souls are the ones that hurt others. Other sources say that our time here on earth is a sort of classroom. I think perhaps both are the Truth.

You are perfect and you do not make mistakes. You may not remember your perfection, and you may look at the things you have done or not done and think to yourself, “You know, I should have handled that better” or “I should have done that” or “I shouldn’t have done that.” None of this is True. You and your fellow humans may look at the things you have done or not done and label them as good or bad. But as far as the Universe is concerned, you have simply acted.

It is only in our society that we label things like murder and rape as bad or evil. It is only in human society that we have laws that allow us to live together on large numbers. Lions don’t have to worry about that. Some may think that lions are somehow less intelligent than humans. I don’t think so. In a pride of lions, the man can take his pick of the women when they are in heat. He may have to fight with other males, but he doesn’t have to go through all the bullshit that human males have to go through to find a mate. I think the animals have this figured out better than the humans.

Animals don’t require justice or vengeance. There is no consequence for killing one another. No men’s or women’s rights, no requirements to mate when they are in the mood. They live in large societies without the rule of law, and without the influence of man, their numbers remain stable, despite how many kill each other. Humanity may have intelligence, but until its members can live peaceably in large numbers without the need to control anyone’s behavior, we are less evolved than animals in this regard.

Proceed with confidence in your life. No matter how bad or good things get in your perception, no matter how seemingly out of control, everything is happening as it should, nothing is happening that shouldn’t, regardless of your opinion or the opinions of others. There is nothing to fear or worry about. You can trust yourself that you are doing the best you can at this time in your life, and this will remain true all the days you are here on this earth.

Release and Surrender your anger, bitterness, criticism, doubt, fear and judgment. There is no need for these things. Understand that to live in society you have to abide by its rules. If you do something that is perceived to be ethically and morally wrong, society will punish you. But as far as whatever you call god is concerned, you have done nothing wrong. There is no ethics, morality or rule of law in the spiritual dimensions. There is only love and light, and how much each soul allows itself to experience.

Orange Sun

The orange sun
reveals my ignorance.
I still have much to learn.

I have traveled
many hard-won miles
to come to the place
where, on looking back,
I see with perfect clarity
that I am not the same
as I was.

I think of myself
as a spiritual person,
but now, in the light
of this orange sun I see
that there are an infinite
number of levels to climb,
an uncountable number
of steps left to take.

This orange sun
shines on one
not the same
as other orange suns
have shone on before,
and under the next
orange sun yet another
completely different person
will be revealed.

If I am still growing
then moments like these
must be the growing pains.

An Important Realization

I have just started reading Louise L Hay’s book, “You Can Heal Your Life.” This morning, when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep, I was reading and encountered her mentioning some of the things she does with her patients. To begin with, she had them title a page with, “I should” then have them list all the things that come to mind. So I did this. Not only does she have them write these things out, she also asks them to say each item out loud. So I did that too. Then as they read each statement aloud she would ask, “Why?” So, lacking anyone to answer to, I wrote down and said aloud all of my whys. Finally she would have them go through the list, and with each item replace “I should” with, “If I really wanted to, I could.” For this list, as each item is read aloud, she asks, “Why haven’t you?” So I finished my work by going through most of my very extensive list and answering this for every item I now listed as, “If I really wanted to I could.” I made some substitutions here. For past things I would add a “have” or maybe answer with, “why don’t I?” By the time I had come to a stopping point in these exercises, I had realized a few important things about myself of which I had not previously been, consciously at least, aware.

I found 5 negative feelings cropping up. In order from greatest to least they were: Guilt, Hatred, Fear, Anger and Bitterness. I also discovered some deeply embedded beliefs. As of this morning, I have begun the process on working on these inner issues.

Guilt is the biggest issue for me. In fact I believe guilt has manifested, in physical form, on my body, in the form of a skin yeast infection. It makes sense because last year, through the holidays, I add a lot of sugary, starchy foods, and I had been working very hard all year to limit my intake of these. So when I ate these foods I didn’t just eat the food in a physical sense, I was also eating guilt in an energetic sense. My body, in an attempt to make me aware of the issue, manifested this irritating, itchy, bloody (and spreading) yeast infection. I should note that I knew better. This statement, about eating the negative emotion with the food, is not my own. I learned it last year from something I had read. But, like so many truths I have learned, it slipped away into the cracks of my memory and I did not recall it.

Hatred was next. It is very specifically directed. Following that was fear, also very specific. Tied in with the hatred were anger and bitterness. I will not go into specific examples or great detail here. These are personal, inner issues. with this post I am acknowledging their existence as a first step to dealing with them.

What I will reveal however is that many of these negative emotions, if not all of them, have a common root. I think I was a little shocked to learn that in the case of someone I knew, who had recently killed herself, that I simply did not care. Ultimately she had hurt me by rejecting me, my advances, so many years ago, so anger and bitterness have kept me from loving or caring for her.

Because of that rejection and a few other examples I think I have come out of it feeling as if I am unattractive, unwanted, unlovable, undesirable – perhaps a few other uns. Tied in with some circumstances in my life surrounding my relationship with my mother, at some point I stopped loving myself, stopped caring about myself. Unfortunately it is very hard to care for or love others if you do not love yourself. This I think is the main issue, the main root of all the other issues.

I have to stop seeing myself as these uns, and instead see myself as loving, lovable, desirable, attractive, wanted, etc. I have to change my perception of myself. I have to let go of any bitterness, anger – any negative emotion I have towards others or myself. I have to forgive others and myself for any perceived wrong. I have to spend time reprogramming myself, loving myself, until the words manifest as a reality of love for myself, and at that point, or perhaps during this process, I will find that I love and care about others. Of course caring for myself, forgiving myself, will release the guilt I have been harboring, and allow this skin yeast infection to heal and clear up.

So this morning I closed my eyes and tried to visualize Katie, the girl who killed herself and who was once my friend. I only saw a sort of silhouette or white outline, I think have it one of her distinctive features when I knew her, really short hair. I also added the weight she seemed to have put on. Or maybe these things were already there, not sure. Then I started to talk to this idea or image or whatever of Katie. I will not go into details here, very personal. But I talked to her frankly and left nothing out about my feelings, what I wanted – laid it all out. I told her she had no right to kill herself. But that I loved her, cared for her, that I forgave her and hoped she was at peace. I told her that if she was a Christian when she died, and as a result ended up in hell, that she could free herself anytime she wanted. Hell was only real for her as long as she believed in it. While I did not get any specific impressions of her circumstances, or even that I was actually talking to anyone, much less Katie, for some reason I don’t feel she is in hell, and as I had now completely forgiven her I did not want her to be in any such place.

Much work lies ahead. I have to go over these notes, all these questions, ask any others that come to mind, write everything out, and suss out all these deep seated inner issues. The person I am now has nothing to do with the person I was. I have turned my back on my former Christian faith. Last night I told my parents that I was no longer a Christian. I know it must have hurt them. But I had to be clear on this, to not build up any more guilt by not telling them. So I am, in essence, reborn. I need to clean off the rest of embryonic sack from my old self and move on. I am very grateful to the universe, the Source, whoever or whatever is in charge, Hermetics call this force, “The All”, that I have been granted this extremely rare opportunity to recover from past abuse and rejection. It seems to me that too few people are able to do this, to break out of this particularity nasty trap.

When we are abused and rejected as children or teenagers we can, over time, come to a point where we hate ourselves and others. One of the especially disturbing things I discovered about myself is that I felt, at the time I wrote it (saying felt instead of feel because I am no longer spending energy in the reality of these negative feelings), in answer to, “If I really wanted to, I could love myself. Why haven’t I”, was: I was worthless, stupid, hating myself, hating life, I gave up, I quit, fuck it, I’m done, why should I, I should die, life sucks and I don’t want to. When you see these things pour out of yourself, its a real eye opener for sure! I get to spend time later asking why to these other, “I shoulds” that have cropped up. So, to say the least, there is much inner work ahead of me. But how many people actually get a chance to confront this stuff inside themselves, and furthermore, have clear direction as to what to do about it?

On other thing I made a note of was two distinct mental voices answering my various why questions. One was a little child’s voice. I picture a boy with his arms crossed against his chest, lower lip sticking out after saying, “I don’t want to!” The other was a younger man’s voice, although sometimes I could hear the child in it as well. His was the voice of hatred anger and bitterness. There was more of a maturity to what he said. I could, at the time I wrote it, probably even now, easily tell which answer came from the child and which answer came from the young man. I wonder if perhaps this idea of “soul loss” may be true, and if I might have pieces I have to go fetch from when I was a child and later as a young man. On the off-chance this was true, I invited each to me. I remembered what Robert Moss teaches his readers to do in his books. Figure out something to do that each of them would want. Easy enough. The child wants to have fun, wants to play. The young man wants to go out on a date and have sex.

So I committed myself to this year, when the money I need manifests, or if the opportunity manifests, whichever the case may be, I would go out and surf, maybe snowboard or ski, certainly play some games, maybe even sit down with a game today if I could. This should make both these previously lost aspects of myself happy. I committed to the young man that I would introduce to any female I met, follow the flow of conversation/interaction, let it lead where it will. Trust that if I am rejected, that it is not me. That this female is not the right one for me at that time. Understand that she too must have wrong perceptions and inner issues. Must feel as if she is worthless, undesirable, unlovable, or whatever the case may be. When I understand, when I realize, that others have suffered as I have, I can more easily love them. Ultimately if I am rejected it is my body that is rejected, the inner me is unfazed either way.

In this way I will not worry about age and society’s ideals of right and wrong. I will be with whoever is right for me at that time in my life, trusting that either she has attracted me into her life because this is the reality she has created for herself or what she needs at this time, or that she is the right one for me at that time. Whatever the case may be, if I flow and do not force, then it is the right course of action. I can trust that whatever happens, even if the interaction leads to sex, that this is right by a far higher authority than man’s.

So I made my commitments to each and welcomed them back into myself. Maybe more work is needed here, but for now I trust that I am a more integrated, complete soul than I was when I started these exercises, and certainly more complete then I have been even a few years ago. I have started telling myself, “I love you. You are attractive, desirable, worthy, loving and lovable.” I will continue to do so until the words become the truth of the reality I have created for myself that they represent.

I guess the most interesting thing about all of this is that I didn’t even buy this book for myself! That’s right. I bought it for a friend’s father, really my other best friend’s (I have two) father. Anyhow this man has cancer and is at home in hospice care. I had my dad drive me all the way over there to give him the book. I got a sermon instead. The man is a devout Christian. I respected his beliefs and did not push. But now, apparently, the book has found another purpose, or perhaps this was its true purpose all along.

Ultimately I have created a reality where I am a changed person, spiritually developing. Just like I have been taught in the books I have read, just like what I have personally experienced in other, minor ways, this reality I created seeks to manifest itself, and brings into my path, my life, whatever is needed to do so. Up until last night I never even considered the book as something I needed. How wrong I was! If you ever see this on a shelf somewhere, no matter what you believe, trust me, you should buy it, without hesitation.

I think this book, and perhaps others as well as some teachings, find their way into our lives right when we need them, or when someone else we are connected to needs them. Maybe someday in the near future you will open the book and begin reading. Or perhaps a friend will come over, spot the book, and begin reading. Whatever the case may be, if you see it, buy it, there is a reason its there for you to purchase.

This morning, after doing those exercises and talking to Katie, I was able to shed my first tears for her, since I received the news of her passing. Facing our inner issues and dealing with them may not be easy. We may resist. But if we can face them, let go of these negative emotions twisting us up inside, we ill find true freedom and happiness, no matter what our external circumstances may be.