The Road Ahead

I wake up, stiff and sore,
It is on days like this I ask myself,
Are you sure you can handle this?
Of course I have no answer,
Just as I feel I have no choice.

I am good at manual labor,
I excel at writing,
I have creative aspirations,
Yet little real skill,
Why am I not as good at,
The things I would like to do?

I am burnt out, tired of this work,
Tired of this life where it seems I have little choice,
But to continue living as I have, in worse conditions,
Or hit the road where anything can happen,
Or just put an end to my miserable life.

With these as my choices,
What real choice do I have?

Outside, the sun is shining,
The world continues to move and breathe,
The trees are not worried about their fate,
The flowers continue to bloom,
Even where they may never be seen,

I wish I had the faith of a flower!
I wish I was a fearless as a tree!
I want to be as warm and inviting as that sun,
But I fear all anyone would care about,
Are my supposedly harmful rays!

Why is it we fear those things,
That give us and our world life?
What happened to make “modern” man,
So superstitiously afraid of his world?
Why is it others can continually fuck everything up,
For the rest of us and get away with it?

I wish I could express how I really feel,
To these people around me I call family,
And to those others I interact with regularly,
But they wouldn’t be able to hear me,
And even if they did, they wouldn’t understand.

Such a heavy burden to bear!
No wonder I wake up like this,
I chose this hell I get to live in,
That may be anothers heaven,
I created the reality I get to experience,
The responsibility for my life rests solely with me.

I know biking around as I plan to do,
With no real budget, plan or preparation,
Is stupid by anyone elses definition,
But for me I have to try something,
Anything at all to change the course of my life.

I have to try so that, should I fail,
I can honestly say I tried, that I did everything I could,
That I have set out and experienced the world,
That I gave life a chance to show me another way,
To lead me to my tribe, my people,
Those who love and support me,
That place I can call home,
Where I find my passion,
Where I find someone to share my life with,
I have to swim upstream, even if t kills me,
Even if I find nobody there when I arrive,
Because only after doing so can I legitimately,
Claim there is nothing in this world for me,
Leaving me to leave it freely, with a clear conscience.

Why does that scare so many people?
Why is this so hard for others to understand?
You would think I was committing the worst act possible,
The most heinous crime anyone could commit,
But it is my life, my choice to loose or keep it!

So I am not prepared and I may not make it,
I could get mugged or killed, anything bad can happen,
But lets not forget that anything good can happen too,
And that it is up to me to define what happens,
As either bad or good. It is no business of yours!

I am choosing to take responsibility for my life,
I am choosing the best path I can see open to me,
I am choosing to experience the world for myself,
I am choosing to live my own life and walk my own path,
I am choosing to see the wold differently than you.
All I ask is that you accept my choice and support it if you can.

I have been living like this for most of these 40 years,
I can’t live like this any longer, and I choose not to.
Just as I choose to embrace that sun outside my window,
The breeze caressing my skin, and the hidden flowers,
That so few people see. Just as I choose to listen to the trees.

My aspirations are set so high,
They are like stars in the night sky,
I fear I shall never reach them!

That Lurking, Nagging Question Behind The Manifestation Teachings

I was watching Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle in video. I admire both men in their writing and look up to them. I see Wayne Dyer like the non-Christian, spiritual but not religious fraternal twin to another man I know, an older man who is a Christian, and who had an influence on me during that time of my life. Or in that chapter of the story of my life if you prefer. Mr. Dyer has replaced him in this new chapter where I am no longer a Christian.

The more I watch Mr. Tolle the more I respect the man. He doesn’t try to sell anything. There is a passion in his sharing of what he understands to be the truth. He seems to work very hard at creating that place or space where someone like me can realize things that we may have been previously unaware of. Or had forgotten, or were not ready for.

But watching Mr. Dyer I was disappointed. The man is quoting a stream of other authors and even himself. Then, about a half hour in, he talks about his new book. None of this seems forced or anything. But why is the man, who supposedly trusts the Source to provide for him, trying to sell his books? Why is he not practicing what he preaches and trusting Source to provide? There seems to be a part of Mr. Dyer that is trying to force through what it is he desires. In the words of Abraham, he appears to be paddling upstream.

The point here is that these are not the actions I would think an enlightened or spiritual being should have. Of course I have never met an enlightened or spiritual being in the physical sense, so I am, in a sense, building my house on the sand. If I have never experienced an enlightened or spiritual human being, how do I know how they should or should not act? All I have are these videos and the words of their books.

But still this becomes a lurking, nagging question in the back of my mind. Another teacher I admire, Florence Scovel Shin, died destitute, as I understand it. She was one of the earlier manifestation or New Thought, as it was called at that time, teachers. Jane Roberts, who delivered us the teachings of Seth, died of poor health. Also a manifestation teacher, and who better to tell you what you need to do to heal yourself than a greater than human entity? Now Jerry Hicks, husband of Esther Hicks, has died of cancer. This troubles me because Esther is the voice for the collective consciousness of Abraham, whose teachings are really resonating with me in my life right now. I mean, Cancer! How is this possible? If the things these people teach are true, or as I like to add, a direct pointing to the truth, how come they do not appear to be living and not living by them?

I just watched this video:

I think I am beginning to get a glimmer of understanding. Jerry’s cancer was the physical manifestation of Esther’s desire for him to stay in physical form, and his desire to leave her slowly enough that she would be able to transition and continue her work. The cancer was co-created by the both of them. Jerry had asked the questions he came to ask, and was no ready to return to Being or Source. But the two of them, as a couple, had, at the very least, become a part of Esther’s identity. To put it in Buddhist terminology, Esther was attached to Jerry. They had been together long enough, and if I were to guess, deeply enough, that their deep affection for each other could, and at least in Ester’s case did, cause then to become attached to each other.

The cancer became a way for Jerry to take his time leaving Esther in the physical sense, and a way for Esther to let Jerry go in the physical sense. It was not some curse or even a disease. It was a blessing and an answer to their prayers, unspoken or not. Or you could say they were both vibrating at that level, and this is the reality they manifested, or drew to them, with that vibration.

So the death of Jerry Hicks does not call into questions the teachings of Abraham at all. Rather it is yet another lesson from Esther and Jerry Hicks, directly instead of through Abraham, although it is likely that Abraham was right there in their co-creating process.

That means there is some reason that Mrs. Shin died like she did. This was something she manifested for herself, or helped co-create for herself, for some, as yet, unknown reason. Likewise Jan Roberts manifest her physical state, either by herself or co-created with her husband. Maybe that is how Seth was able to come through. Maybe, just maybe, Seth would never have spoken through Jane if she had been 100%$ healthy and physically active. Alan Watts must have learned all he came here to learn and pretty much just stepped off at the next station for the next leg of his journey. And Mr. Dyer is growing and developing like the rest of us, going through his own unique section of lessons, and for reasons not clear to me this habit or urge to sell his work is a part of that.

I still don’t understand all of this, but these scenarios make sense. I am not sure how close to the true circumstances they are. But now I can understand that if one of these teachers I admire dies of something I believe they should have been able to heal it is because that is the experience they came here to have, and that is the way they have manifested for themselves to die. It could be that in dealing with some issue in the physical form, they are learning something they came here to learn, and on death they will take that knowledge back with them.

Besides it is becoming increasingly clear that there is a wrong belief I hold here about death. That it is something bad. That it is final. We would not be bothered about death so much if we stopped being bothered it so much! The practice here is to be appreciative but unattached to your physical form. It is in the attachment, as the Buddhist’s teach, that you find suffering.