7-7-2019 – Independence Day

So July 4th has come and gone. I think back, and still can’t believe I am a 2018 graduate! It seems so long ago, almost like it happened to another person. But no, this was the major event of my life last year.

I have been helping a lady I occasionally work for these last few days. The work itself hasn’t been too hard. But I have worked hard at it, and it has worn me down. I have been paid promptly and well. But so many times I have had to lock my lips shut.

The lady I work for has an, entrenched, viewpoint about the world – how things are and how things work. Some examples:

  • I should never expect anything for free. If I do I am taking advantage. Everything must be paid for – must be an exchange.
  • The world is hard – life is hard.
  • People are not inherently good or nice.

I gotta say I am FUCKING TIRED of people telling me how I am doing something wrong, or am wrong, or am bad, or don’t know something, or don’t understand something, or have no experience, or that my opinion doesn’t matter, etc. etc. etc.

I WILL NOT be browbeat into submission to someone’s viewpoints about humans, society or the world in general and at large. I ADAMANTLY REFUSE to buy into the bullshit so many people in my life keep spewin’! I CLAIM and DEMAND the right to define humanity, society and the world in general and at large as I DAMN WELL PLEASE!!! My beliefs, feelings, opinions, thoughts and viewpoints are just as valid as EVERYONE ELSE’S, regardless of age, creed, experience, genetics, species, race. etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I am not a black man and I can not really know the black man’s struggle. Yes, I am not a woman and can not really know the struggle of women. Yes I have traveled only 43 times around the sun, not 69 or 93 or whatever. But that does not mean, in any way, that I CAN NOT know, at some level, or empathize, or understand, or be sympathetic too, these things which are outside my personal experience.

It also doesn’t mean that my viewpoints are irreverent and/or worthless. I can put myself in the black man’s shoes, the woman’s shoes, the elders’ shoes. And I know things. I do not know how or why I know things, but I have long known and even understood things outside my life experience.

My point is that you can put your GODDAMN box away, because I do not fit inside of it. I am beyond and outside your definition. I am unlike anyone you have ever met or known. I am unique. Not special – unique. I don’t know that I buy into the whole specialness thing. Maybe if I was born with superpowers. But unique – HELL YES! There never has been anyone like me on the earth, and there will never be anyone EXACTLY like me after I leave it. I am the only one. And I have experienced things few other humans in history have.

I am empathetic, sensitive and maybe even a bit telepathic. I have not tried to develop any of these abilities or skills or whatever they are. And it could be that I just have a knack for reading body language, though I doubt that is it. I FEEL things, I practice listening to my gut and intuition, and I advise my parents to do the same. I KNOW things I can not trace back to any previously collected knowledge.

As before I do not say these things to boast. No. I think all I am currently experiencing in my life can be experienced by others. It only requires openness and receptivity to certain things, and I share this constantly.

I have adopted the belief that all humans are inherently good – inherently divine. No matter what someone does, that is just a role they are playing, a mask they are wearing. That is God there, under that mask, acting out that role. I have also adopted the belief that the Universe is ultimately good, that it supports me and that there can be enough for all – that abundance of all good things can be experienced by all.

And I have adopted the belief that when I ask another for something. maybe an exchange will take place, but even if I do not give them anything in return, they receive a chance to serve. The opportunity to serve is an invaluable experience – a gift that we must all be open to giving to others in our lives, especially our loved ones. We are not meant to go it alone. We are all meant to support one another in our various endeavors, in whatever way it comes naturally to use to contribute, in whatever way we desire to contribute, with our whole heart.

Part of what pissed me off these last few days is that this person I work for tells me I should pay for my shower. After all, the lady my parents are renting from likely pays for her water. But as far as I am concerned, my parents are paying part of the rent, so they have equal rights, and those rights pass down to children and grandchildren. Especially as the person they are renting from has her daughters living with her.

But this idea, that I am somehow bad for believing I have the right to drop by and take a shower for free, and that I am taking advantage, contributing nothing for this privilege – as if I should feel guilty about it – well that sets me off. Do either of this lady’s daughters pay for their shower privileges? Are either of them expected to contribute in some way for their mother letting them live there, much less take a shower there? No, absolutely not.

And even if this were one person’s reality, or even the reality of a number of people, that does not mean it must be my reality. This does not mean I have to agree or contribute, to what I shall now call a collective delusion, in any way. Who is qualified to define reality for another? Not our authority figures, not our religion, not our loved ones, not anyone. Only we are qualified to define our reality. But too many of us just abdicate this power, this right, to others. I refuse to do this – I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE!

Instead I claim my full power of choice, to define reality in whatever way I desire and to live my life in whatever way I choose. I will choose my own viewpoints regarding humanity, society and the world in general and at large. I will define my own reality.

Today I claim independence. I claim independence from anyone’s definition of reality that in any way demeans, hurts, minimizes or fails to completely support me. I claim independence from any sources of fear – whatever its source. Instead I choose love. Finally I claim independence from guilt, shame and another control device or mechanism which another may use to try and control me. I am and will remain an unbridled stallion, running freely across the plains.

Today is MY Independence Day. 

I Was Meant To Fly

I am making a declaration, a public statement. I have made a choice, a decision, tonight. I have allowed others to forge chains and bind me to the ground. I have consciously or unconsciously agreed to be bound by each chain. I have consciously or unconsciously chosen to stay bound, to stay grounded, until this moment.

I am now making the conscious decision, the conscious choice, that I will no longer allow myself to be bound, and that I no longer agree to others binding me. I declare, I claim, I choose, I decide, that I was meant to fly. I am a free spirit, I was always meant to soar and be free.

I do not know what brought me to the ground. Maybe I was born with wings, and my parents quickly “clipped” them, either not knowing any better, or following the dictates of others through societal expectations or religions, or perhaps both. I will not carry the weight of blame, fear, guilt or shame with me. I will not carry the weight of bitterness or resentment. I will not hold onto grudges. I want to feel the sun on the fabric of my wings, so I now, in this moment, release and let go of all that would weigh me down.

I acknowledge your labels, and I accept their existence. I do not resist the existence of these things, or your use of them. But I claim, I choose, I decide that your labels will no longer stick to me. That is your path, the use of these is your choice, your decision, and I leave you to it, I leave you to your path. Maybe you were born with wings like me, yet choose to stay grounded. Maybe you never had wings at all. My path, my practice, is to accept myself as I am, so that I may accept you as you are.

This is real love. Love doesn’t try to save anyone. Love doesn’t try to change anyone. Love doesn’t require anything. Love does not require sacrifices. It is not some god that must be appeased. Real love, true love for others, is the practice of allowing others to be as they are, without criticism, without judgment. Real love, true love, for yourself is to do the same. Accept yourself as you are without criticism, without judgment.

Because I love myself I can no longer allow myself to be bound to the earth, to the ground. Because I love you I understand that you may need labels. You may fear spreading your wings and flying. You may need to stay grounded. You may even need to hate me for being myself and loving myself for who I am, a free creature who was created to fly in the warmth of the sun.

Whatever it is you feel you must do, however is its you believe you must be, or things must be, or even others must be, I leave you to it. I choose, I decide, that your beliefs, your desires, your needs – all that you vehemently defend – no longer has any power over me. I agreed before, probably before I knew what I was agreeing to, that you would have this power over me. I no longer agree to this. I actively and consciously choose, I decide, that this is no longer so.

I have spread my wings. I have launched myself from the ground. I am flying now. I am feeling the warmth of the sun on my flesh. I am feeling the bite of the wind over my skin. I am enjoying the freedom I was always meant to enjoy. The freedom I was created and designed to enjoy. Join me if you wish, or stay on the ground, the choice is yours. What will you choose? What will you decide for yourself? Do you have wings or not? If you have wings, will you stay grounded or not? Will you give into fear, or will you embrace and face your fear?

I no longer claim myself to be a looser, either by my own definition or society’s. I claim myself to be a success, to be successful, to win and be a winner. However I may currently appear to those who look on me and my life, these are the last days I live this way. These are the last days I allow myself to feel fear guilt or shame.

Such clever devices you have used to slip those chains over my neck, over my feet and hands! Make me feel bad about myself, when I have no way to defend myself, when I don’t know, don’t realize that I never needed to defend or justify myself to you, then slip those chains on by using labels such as failure or looser. Whisper them into my ear as I slept, until I started repeating the lies you told me! Until I was whispering them to myself before dropping into blissful slumber, hoping the next day would be better, but of course, as long as I was chained there it never was.

This is behind me now, beneath me. I no longer believe these things, I no longer choose them or claim them for myself. Even if you were to look at my life and see that it matched perfectly some definition or label you have for me, I choose, I decide, that I will not accept it for myself. I will no longer accept any of your labels, no matter how true they may be in your perception. I will no longer allow you to apply them to me. This is my path, my practice, from this moment forward!

I claim myself to be a free spirit. I claim for myself a life I want to live. A life of abundance and empowerment. A life of freedom and flight. Whatever awaits me in the future, whatever I encounter, I will look back and read these words, and I will remember. I was born to be free, and I was created to fly.

The Circle 29 – God’s Will Is Your Will

God’s Will Is Your Will

In this episode of The Circle I share something that blew my mind, that God’s Will is actually Your Will, that they are one and the same.

The materials I am drawing from are Claim Your Power by Mastin Kipp: https://www.amazon.com/Claim-Your-Power-Journey-Dissolve/dp/1401949541/

Also Ramtha, The White Book by JZ Knight: https://www.amazon.com/Ramtha-White-Book/dp/1578730457/


Reflections clash with reflections
clashing with reality,
No way to tell what is real
or meant to be,
Through this confusion
I must chart my course,
Following in the natural current
of my life and not using force.

I can not tell you what is right or wrong,

I can only point out these reflections
are here, then gone,
No way to pick
the right or wrong one,
You make a choice
and then you’re done,
So go with your feelings
and choose the best-feeling one.

Some thoughts about Swiss Army Man and Life

I have just finished watching this movie for the second time in a span of maybe a couple of weeks. Not something I intended, I rarely watch a movie again within a few months of my initial viewing. My dad brought it home and I didn’t want to be like, “I don’t wanna watch that! I’ve already seen it!” It reminds me of my brother. I know I am being critical and judgmental here, but I don’t want to be like that.

Besides I didn’t get to watch it with my dad the first time around like I wanted. It was more important for me that he got to sit down and relax and enjoy himself after a few days of hard work, made harder because he has some sort of tooth infection that has caused his face to swell up. It is his choice, yes, but my dad works so hard. maybe he is driven by personal beliefs and the beliefs of his father. But whatever the reason for his choice, he still works very hard, and I want him to be able to rest and relax when he is done killing himself off. I want to help in whatever way I can.

The first time I watched this it did not have the effect on me that it did the second time. We had just finished the movie, dad recalling the end because he had walked in on me watching it the first time. I had to start it because I had to go to be to get up early for class the next morning. I tried to explain why I didn’t tell him. I am not sure I did a very good job.

Anyhow this time I was overcome by a sudden feeling some time after finishing the movie. I can best express it through a question. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we hurt each other and ourselves so much? Are we so helpless under the control of our egos, our sense of identity, we can’t step back and see what the hell we are doing?

I read a very lengthy article about the film. Well I read maybe half of it. Just wanted to know what Dano’s character said to Manny at the end of the movie. In this article it talked about how people walked out of the theater over the farts. Really? Are we all collectively so prudish, so impaled by the sticks up our collective asses that farts offend us? What, will we beat our children if they fart? Or worse, make them feel guilty about it? About a natural body function most of us can not control? What’s next? Criticize sweating? No, guess we have already done that. BO? Definitely we frown on masturbation, no matter what our belief systems or religion.

I head this audio clip, or rather read what Trump said in it, about trying to get it on with a woman. Then Hillary says, and I think I am quoting this exactly, “We can’t have THAT MAN as president…” So Hillary not only ha a problem with men, she has a problem with men who have a healthy libido? Congratulations America! One of your presidential nominees has a healthy libido (sexual drive.) I fail to see the problem… In fact I am glad that this came out. You know what I didn’t hear when Bill Clinton was president, before Lewinsky was found under his desk giving him a blow job? Anything at all about sex.

You know who I am worried about? Hillary Clinton. That woman is so repressed, and has been since before Bill Clinton entered the oval office. Obviously the man wasn’t getting any at home, or if he was, which I doubt, it wasn’t enough. There was something lacking, and my guess is Hillary wasn’t putting out. I wonder if the lady has even gotten laid in the last few decades. I don’t have to worry about Donald Trump. He speaks his mind and is taking care of his needs as a man. But Hillary Clinton is so sexually repressed she is falling under the weight of it like a black hole falls under the weight of its own gravity.

You know who we can’t have as president? A woman who lies, who has indirectly caused the death of others (maybe even directly), a woman who can’t be trusted in simple security matters, and finally a woman who is sexually repressed. The expression, “You need to get laid” has never been more applicable to any human being on the planet at any point in time.

Monday through Thursday I ride the bus. I might get a ride to the bus stop. Or I may bicycle. I travel 14 miles to campus, and another 14 back. I spend 3 hours or so in class, and another 2 hours or so in two separate computer labs. I am a serious student. But I have never felt more alone and isolated. This whole thing in the movie, about talking to a woman, seeing her on the bus, it struck a chord in me. The whole time I was bicycling earlier this year I believed I had to go it alone, do it all by myself. I am only learning in the last few months the truth in the saying that no man is an island. Hillary Clinton is an example of what I could become if I continued down a path of taking this all too seriously believing I have to go it alone, never trying to meet or talk to anyone.

Yes, time on campus and doing homework needs to be taken seriously. But there must be balance. There must be friendships and partying. There must be an embracing of one’s self, one’s physical form and all its functions, all its parts. There must be an accepting of one’s self as they are. If you are horny, you should masturbate, but only if you have nobody in your life to have sex with because honestly, masturbating is a poor substitute for sex and it gets real old, real fast. Oh to have someone to share the act of lovemaking with!

Do not wait for marriage. Do not rush things either, just don’t hold back. Marriage and waiting are remnants of a dead and dying patriarchal and religious system. As a race we need to move on. People like Hillary Clinton and her husband are the direct results of such systems. such systems also make us ashamed of farting in public. They make us ashamed of our bodies. They tell us we must always wear clothes and hide our nakedness, often called our shame. It just has to stop. Do you think any peacock is going to propagate his species if he doesn’t fan  out those beautiful feathers? No. You might call Trump a peacock and think it is a bad thing. Not me. A man who embraces his sexual drives and urges is healthier than a man who doesn’t, or tries to hide it.

As a man who has hidden himself away, isolated himself, who still feels fear, guilt and shame every time he masturbates, who is worried he will be caught, what it would do to his parents, not to mention what would happen to him, a man who does not have the courage to say the sorts of things Trump is recorded as saying. I have always been proper and respectful. But I am miserable. The only differences between me and Dano’s character in that movie is A. I have not tried to kill myself yet and B. I don’t even have a farting corpse for a friend. In the past I have opened up my home to others, and they “got some” while sleeping at my house. You know where I was? In my room, alone, without anyone.

We all have to seriously loosen up, and the few of us that have woken up from the spell of our religions, we have to help rouse the others. Ethics, morality and religion really need to go out the window, to be replaced by a single principle, in the Bible it is called, “Love they neighbor.” I know it sounds scary, but ethics, morality and religion are attempts to control behavior. Control = repression. What happens when something is repressed, I.E. put under extreme pressure? Murder, rape, suicide and every other evil mankind commits on itself. To embrace and accept ourselves, our nature and our urges, to love and accept ourselves, will allow us to love and accept others, and give them room to embrace these aspects of themselves as well. You will find in such a society little or no crime.

I know that may be hard for a lot of you to accept. Even if I told you that others have said the same over and over again throughout our history, only to me ignored, imprisoned, killed, murdered, ridiculed, tormented or tortured. Ask yourself if the message is wrong, why does it keep showing up? How many years passed before people believed those telling them the earth was round, not flat, and the universe did not orbit around it? How long do you think that took, before humanity finally got the message?

But for now just let that be. I want you to think for yourselves. I am not trying to convert anyone. But I will challenge you and cause you to ask questions. I will also give you a very simple assignment…

Talk to that pretty girl, or the handsome guy, on the bus, or the next time you see them in the hall at school, or in the lunchroom, or at class. Ask that man or woman out at your job that has caught your eye. Stop trying to go it alone. Trust me, after over 20 years of that path I can tell you that this road goes nowhere. I would rather have a dozen girls laugh in my face than miss the one who laughs with me and smiles at me. I admit, I am not sure I could handle 20 girls laughing at me. I am not a fan of rejection. But I am also not a fan of being alone,  just one man on campus, in his own little world, isolated from everyone else.

If you ever meet me, I will not be hiding my farts. If I catch you masturbating, I will not tell anyone, I will not criticize or judge you. If you are a pretty woman I may enjoy watching you, but if you are somewhere I can catch you doing it I will assume it is an open invitation. And yes, if the worst I will catch you at is burping or farting, that’s cool too. I simply refuse to bear the burden of religion’s and society’s constraints any longer. And I am voting for Trump. Rather than put me off, this recording makes me favor him even more.

Maybe he is a racist and a womanizer. If he is these things will bite him in the ass and I have a hunch he is capable of changing himself for the better. If he refuses to adapt as needed to all the requirements of the post of president he simply won’t last very long. I just want someone in the office who speaks his mind for once, is not politically correct and doesn’t try to be, knows how to handle large amounts of debt and money, and will undo the many, many things Obama did that I never voted for and do not approve of.

And I didn’t mind watching Swiss Army Man twice. I think I may even have enjoyed it. I can’t say for 100% certain that I liked the movie or not. But I liked that the people behind it had the courage to make it, and I like that Dano and Radcliff had the courage to be a part of it. I do not approve of the borderline gay content. It never crossed the line, which I appreciate, but it came close. I can not condone or support same sex relationships. I will not hate any members of the LGBT community, but I do not have to like them either. I don’t know how I will love and accept such people as they are. But I am still growing and learning. Maybe someday I will reach that point.

It’s time to stop hiding behind that book or those headphones. Put yourself out there, and help others do the same. We are all lonely, too many of us have succumbed to suicide as a means of escape. There has been far too much pain for everyone. Embrace life and the living of it. Fart, masturbate, have sex and enjoy yourselves. No holding back, no forcing yourself. Just flow, without attachment, as much as you are able, into and out of the relationships in your life.

If you are not forcing or running away, then the timing will be right. Telling yourself that someone should or should not happen is futile. If it should have happened, it would have happened. If it should not have happened, it would not have happened. The fact that something happened or did not happen is exactly how it should be. Stop fighting and struggling against the things you can not change. Accept and embrace them, release attachment. Everything is exactly as it should be, even if from your perspective or anyone else’s that does not seem correct. This statement will prove itself true in time.

On the stage we have chosen,  whether we are conscious of the choice or not, we wear our masks and play our parts. If you are not happy with your life, take off your mask, assume a new role, select a new stage. That is the only power we have, and we all have it, equally. We can all choose how long we will wear our current mask and play our current role on our current stage. You are not destined or fated for anything, unless you choose to be. Ultimately the experience of your life is up to you, whether or not you are aware of it.

The Road Ahead

I wake up, stiff and sore,
It is on days like this I ask myself,
Are you sure you can handle this?
Of course I have no answer,
Just as I feel I have no choice.

I am good at manual labor,
I excel at writing,
I have creative aspirations,
Yet little real skill,
Why am I not as good at,
The things I would like to do?

I am burnt out, tired of this work,
Tired of this life where it seems I have little choice,
But to continue living as I have, in worse conditions,
Or hit the road where anything can happen,
Or just put an end to my miserable life.

With these as my choices,
What real choice do I have?

Outside, the sun is shining,
The world continues to move and breathe,
The trees are not worried about their fate,
The flowers continue to bloom,
Even where they may never be seen,

I wish I had the faith of a flower!
I wish I was a fearless as a tree!
I want to be as warm and inviting as that sun,
But I fear all anyone would care about,
Are my supposedly harmful rays!

Why is it we fear those things,
That give us and our world life?
What happened to make “modern” man,
So superstitiously afraid of his world?
Why is it others can continually fuck everything up,
For the rest of us and get away with it?

I wish I could express how I really feel,
To these people around me I call family,
And to those others I interact with regularly,
But they wouldn’t be able to hear me,
And even if they did, they wouldn’t understand.

Such a heavy burden to bear!
No wonder I wake up like this,
I chose this hell I get to live in,
That may be anothers heaven,
I created the reality I get to experience,
The responsibility for my life rests solely with me.

I know biking around as I plan to do,
With no real budget, plan or preparation,
Is stupid by anyone elses definition,
But for me I have to try something,
Anything at all to change the course of my life.

I have to try so that, should I fail,
I can honestly say I tried, that I did everything I could,
That I have set out and experienced the world,
That I gave life a chance to show me another way,
To lead me to my tribe, my people,
Those who love and support me,
That place I can call home,
Where I find my passion,
Where I find someone to share my life with,
I have to swim upstream, even if t kills me,
Even if I find nobody there when I arrive,
Because only after doing so can I legitimately,
Claim there is nothing in this world for me,
Leaving me to leave it freely, with a clear conscience.

Why does that scare so many people?
Why is this so hard for others to understand?
You would think I was committing the worst act possible,
The most heinous crime anyone could commit,
But it is my life, my choice to loose or keep it!

So I am not prepared and I may not make it,
I could get mugged or killed, anything bad can happen,
But lets not forget that anything good can happen too,
And that it is up to me to define what happens,
As either bad or good. It is no business of yours!

I am choosing to take responsibility for my life,
I am choosing the best path I can see open to me,
I am choosing to experience the world for myself,
I am choosing to live my own life and walk my own path,
I am choosing to see the wold differently than you.
All I ask is that you accept my choice and support it if you can.

I have been living like this for most of these 40 years,
I can’t live like this any longer, and I choose not to.
Just as I choose to embrace that sun outside my window,
The breeze caressing my skin, and the hidden flowers,
That so few people see. Just as I choose to listen to the trees.

My aspirations are set so high,
They are like stars in the night sky,
I fear I shall never reach them!

4-22-2016 – What DMT Taught Me

I want to record a few things here. This will be more of a journal entry where I am recording things instead of any sort of article or lesson.

So a friend sent me that legal form of DMT that you can buy, I can’t be bothered to go and find the exact word for it. They bought a batch and sent me some. Two doses, Pill A and Pill B. Pill A for my first experience, a weaker dose. Pill B will be stronger, and I think I will take it with me.

Some time back I may have mentioned I took some shrooms, and I guess the experience would fall under the classification of a “bad experience.” This legal version of DMT is supposed to be similar to shrooms, but that is a misnomer. You can throw that out, I don’t care what the science tells you.

For me DMT fits better. I have no better way to really say it. Much of the same sort of thing happens, you see patterns when you close your eyes, things move and pulse. But DMT tunes you into a channel that humans normally don’t operate at. When on this channel everything is very detailed. You can see every seed pod in a dandelion puff, or the hidden patterns in the fur of your feline companion. When you move your eyes just right, shift them just right, the sky gets larger, you see patterns in there, you see it breathing and the energy behind it. You realize that this same energy is in everything, you just aren’t normally aware of it. I stepped on a thorn, and a bunch of things occurred to me.

One, if I had knelt down in normal awareness and looked for this, I would never have found it. It found me, or I drew it to me, and this is occurring with us with all things in all areas of our lives. I have walked that path barefoot many, many times. It is just grass there, I mow over it and throw everything into the bushes to each side. Yet only after I took DMT, only at the right moment for me to receive its message, did it find me or I draw it to me. I have kept it to remember this.

Two, I was aware, even though it happened faster than I would probably be able to track in normal awareness, of the choices being made regarding when the thorn pierced my foot. Among these things were if I would see it as good or bad, if I would experience pain or not, if I would be angry or not. I experienced pain, but only briefly, I chose not to be angry and not to see it as bad. This is going on every moment in your life, with everything interaction you have with everything and everyone. Bad, good, angry and even pain are all choices.

Three, as I said, there is the same energy in everything. I tried to see it in this piece of wood that had the thorn on it. But my beliefs were too strong, I was not able to allow myself to see the truth of this thorn, that it was actually alive, and not dead at all. But at least I realized the truth of it, even if I could not directly experience it.

I also learned that humans have lost their sensitivity to their environment. You can test this for yourself very easily. Go into any field, find a dandelion puff, and try to feel the little seed pods by gently brushing the tips of your fingers across them. You may think you feel something, and I am sure there are some hyper-sensitive types out there, the exceptions that prove the rule. But my guess is that most of us can’t feel that. However, drugs like DMT increase our sensitivity. I can almost feel the seed pods, even now, where before I was much less sensitive. These substances actually change things in our bodies and minds.

Something else I came to understand, and this is very hard to explain, justify or prove, is that cold/warm, for example, do not exist. Our science tells us that something called temperature exists, and something called a thermometer can tell us what temperature it is. We see the sun set, it gets dark, it seems logical it should be colder. We see lava and it seems logical it is hot. But that is not the truth. Hot and cold exist only in our minds, in our beliefs. It has been a human belief for as long as humans have been around. It is deeply ingrained and subconscious. I have no idea how it may be changed.

So even though I know this, if you dropped me off in the North Pole I would freeze, or in the middle of a volcano, and I would burn. The point is that if I could somehow turn off my adopted belief in hot and cold, neither of those things would happen. I experienced a bit of this myself while on DMT. I realized that even the bugs that normally surround me are drawn to me, and all humans are constantly drawing and pushing away things. The bugs aren’t drawn to me by my sweat, or smell, or anything science says. I draw them to me, because I believe that bugs must be around, the must come after me, there must be biting ones, because there always have been. But I could, if I knew how, push the bugs away, just as I could, if I knew how, remain unaffected by this thing called temperature.

I have no way to explain how I know these things. All this came to me as I was on DMT, and I brought the knowledge back with me. There is a quote I picked up somewhere, “The mind sees what it wants to.” Or this one by Robertson Davies, “The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.”

The best way to think of this is something like a radio dial. Abraham, through Esther Hicks, uses this constantly. It makes sense. Humans are locked into one channel. Their experience of reality is what can be be accessed on that channel. But the dial can be tuned to other channels, using drugs, dreams, OBEs, and other things.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Humans can change the channel anytime they like, they just have forgotten how. We have the ability, not the knowledge. Drugs are useful in helping is develop or sensitivity, and perhaps we can learn to change channels, or remember our ability, in using them. They should not be depended on. The ability has to be remembered, learned and then mastered. I don’t have all the answers here.

This makes my chosen path a little tricky for me… I want to learn how to physically travel from this world, this dimension, to another and return. Now I can study the findings of others, based on mysticism or science. But what I would have is a belief. If I followed those instructions, it would work for me, because the belief of others powers it. By following the instructions, I contribute my own energy, giving it more power. But ultimately I have to find my own way, outside of the established beliefs of others.

All scientific evidence is merely a belief that has been proven by some generally accepted means. Scientists expect to find something, and by their very expectation, will and belief, they find it.

The truth at the heart of this is that we do create our own reality. We are constantly manufacturing our life experience even though we are not aware of it, As hard as this will be for many to hear, if something you have chosen to call bad happens to you, you created that. You either adopted a belief that drew it to you, or you made choices that your life came to reflect.

We are responsible for our lives and everything that happens to us. On the outside it may not seem that way. But the Universe, whatever else it is or does, is alive with an energy that we can not normally perceive or sense. That energy gives us exactly what we ask for, whether or not we are aware of asking. Our lives are a reflection of our choices, whether we made them consciously or not.

I am an overweight 40-year old man living with my parents. I can blame society for that. I can blame my parents for that. I could blame myself for that. But these roads all go to the same place, nowhere. The truth is there is nobody and nothing to blame. I made a choice, I have not been aware of it until now, but I see it now. I made a choice to stay with my parents, to stay in this same role I have played for them and myself for the last 4 decades. I have tried at times to set out on my own, but always returned, always failed. I can’t say I ever set out to truly succeed. Maybe I always planned to fail, to stick with what is familiar and safe.

I watched several jets fly overhead. I realized that my choices put me there, on the ground, naked, bare feet on the grass, watching Sherbert, the aforementioned cat, tuning into his environment, nose into the breeze as it ruffled his fur. That’s what cats do, that is their role. Up there, in those jets, are people playing their roles, traveling or even flying those jets. I could be up there. I could live in the city. Or I could live here. I can watch the people on the TV screen or I can be those people on the screen. All my choice, nobody and nothing to blame.

There are no mistakes, only contrast. Only choices that we choose to label as bad or choices we choose to label as good. Only pain we choose to feel or not. The majority of humanity has no conscious awareness of their power to choose. I now have that awareness, yet even I still make, even now as I type this, unconscious choices. They get made every moment of every day I draw breath.

I have chosen my life and I have chosen what I feel about the things I have drawn to me in it. This beat up keyboard and mouse, this torn up recliner, this place I think of as my grandma’s attic – everything here I put here. Where I am I put myself. What I have experienced I drew to myself. What I have not experienced I pushed away.

Now I am choosing to leave this role. I put on my clothes, played the “good son” role for my parents when they came home. They have chosen their roles as well. But I am done with this role, and leaving it behind when I leave here.

This is why things don’t change for most people when they up and leave. As long as they pack the role they have been playing with them, they will continue to live out the reflection of their choices from playing that role. This is also why it can be said people don’t change. It is more accurate to say people rarely change their roles. They may edit them, but few people leave everything behind and choose an entirely different role. People do change, it is the roles that remain largely the same. It is the role I wish to address.

Part of my role was following my parents. Maybe they set out in some chosen direction in their past. But they are at anchor now. You have to move if you want to get anywhere, you have to set a course to start moving. I have set a course, defining my Definite Chief Aim, writing it down. My compass, my heading, the initial direction in which I will travel. I have aimed high, very high for someone who has little higher education or work experience beyond labor positions. But you have to aim high to strike anywhere near where you want. You have to start moving to find your way. That, in a  nutshell, is what this planed trip of mine is all about.

I don’t know if I will make it. I don’t know if I will figure out or remember how to change the channel I am tuned into. I may fail. But I prefer failure to not trying. Because I am tired of being on the ground instead of in the jet, and truth be told, I would like to fly without even needing the jet.

I have to deal with these deeply ingrained beliefs I have adopted from my race. I don’t know how to turn that stuff off. I do know that if  a device could be invented to turn off all the beliefs a person holds, and scientific tests were preformed to test for tings like temperature, that nothing called temperature would be found. It is alive and exists only inside the beliefs of humans, and humans impose those beliefs not only on themselves but also on their world.

I know this is a lot to chew on. But study these words, carefully. Memorize them. The words are not important, it is the energy behind the words. There is energy behind everything we do, that is something else I came to understand. There is an energy behind these words, and intention. I can’t put words to it, too much there. Among these is a desire to bring about an awakening and a realization. I see something here, and I would like us to come together and bring this thing into focus, for the benefit of all.

We get to choose, we always get to choose, even when it doesn’t seem that way. We can literally be, do or have anything we want. We set the limitations we abide by, they do not exist otherwise. Our beliefs directly influence our choices, and our choices get reflected in the lives we live. We literally do create our own reality, every moment of every day. There is so much more just beyond our ability to sense, even with instruments. But we can tune into that, we have that ability, if we can just remember how to access and use it.

Nothing Is Final

Nothing is final, not even death.

My grandmother has made it clear she wants to sell this place. I made it clear I wanted to keep it in the family. What is my voice against the voice of her three children?

This is a very strange situation in which I find myself. For so long I hated this place. I felt trapped here. I didn’t want to do what was needed to maintain it.

But at the same time, when I leave this place, I want the option to return someday. I want to be able to clean up the place, if I feel more drawn to that action in the future.

Whatever they decide, I am left with a choice. Do I contribute my energy into what they have decided? Resign myself to that? Or do I put it somewhere else, into a place of my choosing?

I have decided to invest my energy into keeping this place in the family. How do I do this? By arguing with the others? By anger and threats? No.

All I have to do is what I never really wanted to do in the first place. Except now I want to do it, not because I really want to do the work, but because that is the action I can take, that is what flows naturally for me to do, at this point in my life.

I can put my energy into keeping up the place, improving it, and simply ignore what others are deciding or intending.

If I am not attached to the work I do, if I can do it no matter what happens, without being resentful, then I am focusing solidly on what I want, and investing my energy there.

I have the equipment and tools. I have the physical capabilities. I have the time. I am willing to work without expectation of pay. That is the thing I can do, work on the property as if it will stay in the family. So that is the thing I am doing.

Do you see it? You may find yourself in a situation where you feel helpless. It may seem others are deciding things for you and you have no control or power.

But you do. Just because they are doing what they are doing, just because they have decided what they have decided, that does not men you can’t do or decide something else.

You are always in control of what you choose to do, decide or intend. You are always in control of where you invest your energy.

So stop putting it into this state of helplessness, this idea of being some sort of a victim of your circumstances, and put it into what makes you feel good, what empowers you!

If they call you selfish, just smile at them and love them. If they attempt to argue with you, just smile and love them, then walk away. Love and accept them as they are, steer your own course, and leave them to steer theirs.

When you are maneuvering a boat downstream you cannot possible control your boat and the boat of another. Likewise you can not steer you own life and the life of another.

You have to let them pilot their own craft, and if they wreck, you can be there, not criticizing or judging, to lend a hand in whatever way it flows in your life to do so.

You are not responsible for or to them. You are responsible only for and to yourself, no exceptions. Even if you have children.

There is only so much as a parent you can do, then you have to take your hands of the situation. They have to figure things out for themselves. There is no better gift you can give someone than the freedom to be themselves and live their own life.

I will invest my blood, sweat and tears into this land that I never really wanted to come here and work on. I will do it not because the land needs it, as some favor to the land, which was a far as I got previously. I will not do it to help out.

I will do it because that is putting the energy into what I desire. It feels good to me, it allows me to operate at a higher vibration.

Sitting here cussing and swearing because I can’t ever seem to find any other work than this yard work I despise will make me feel bad. It will lower my vibration, putting resistance between me and my desires.

Focusing on what I do not want, beating that drum, will only make the situation worse. In fact the whole reason grandma is considering selling the place is probably the direct result of my negative focus towards it!

In other words, I brought this on my own stupid self! I have been beating the drum of what I do not want, in regards to this place and work, for so long that I have created this life experience for myself.

By being what others may call selfish I am actually doing good for others! How’s that for turning your idea of reality on its ear?

If I focus on the best solution for everyone, then everyone benefits. The property can stay in the family so we always have a home. Grandma can leave and go somewhere else if she wants, or we can bring in someone to help care for her. I will have someplace to come back to, if I return from California.

If I were to just go with what everyone else is saying, even though that does not feel good to me, then I would not be doing anyone any favors.

The place would be sold, we would probably get less money for it than it is worth, the money would be spent by the children, and in the end it would have done little if any good. On top of that there would be no place for the family to call home.

So this ties in with what I wrote earlier. Just because someone in what you perceive to be authority or power over you has decided something does not mean you are unable to focus on what you want instead and put your energy into that.

You can change situations that do not feel good to you simply by focusing on what makes you feel good. That is your guidance system, and it is 100% accurate.

Chances are, in doing what feels good to you, you will benefit not only yourself, but others as well. You actually do more good, and are living from more of a place of love, than you would if you just followed the herd out of some silly idea of responsibility and respect to authority.

Fuck authority! The only person who has any power over you is you, unless you give that power to others But it is always and only your choice, as is all the rest of this.

I will be myself, focus on what I want, do what feels good to me, put my energy there, and leave everyone else, authority figures or not, to their own devices.

I will apply what I have learned here, to a much larger scale, society in general, our government and issues like Obamacare and Monsanto.

Instead of focusing on these things I do not want, I will stop beating that old, tired drum and move on to a clear focus on exactly what I want. I will envision a future that makes me feel good.

I am doing this for myself, and for my children.