Change Is NOT Just An Inside Job

An idea that has been circulating in the “New Age” and “Spiritual” teachings is that in order to change your world, you have to first change yourself. That change begins inside. I even made a t-shit saying this! I have said as much here at this blog. I may have talked about some other aspects of this, but I feel compelled to write about this subject tonight, so I am honoring that creative aspect or spirit in me by doing so.

A friend of mine has advised me that leaving, as I still intend to do, is not the best solution. That maybe I should wait. That I should not rush. That perhaps the Universe is telling me I should stay. But basically that I have old beliefs, holdovers from when I was  Christian, that have created my life experience, my reality. And that leaving will not fix that, I need to address the internal causes first.

I think I have been able to help him understand what is driving me. I think we are on the same page now. But until a few moments ago, I had no way to prove my case. Let’s use the example I just thought of to make a point…

Let’s say there is a woman in an abusive relationship. If she leaves the abuser, she will end up in another abusive relationship. These patterns tend to repeat. It is only when something changes inside the woman that she can leave the abusive the relationship, and break the cycle by entering into a more supportive, loving relationship.

This is the key here… The woman can stay there in the abusive relationship, forever reading books or going to conferences to change all her old beliefs, but to complete the process of freeing herself from the abusive relationship she must LEAVE. And she may not have a plan. She may even have children she has to take care of. If the abusive partner was controlling, she will have little or no money, no job or career, and if she has children no way to get these.

Some could say it is unwise for her to leave. Her children need her, she has to have food and a roof over her head, she should at least have a plan before she goes. But that keeps her in a dangerous relationship for both her and her children, if she has them.

My point is that bouncing around from place to place without making any internal changes will continuously out you in the same circumstances and situations you are trying to get away from. But staying in the same place while continuously doing internal work will ALSO keep you in the same circumstances and situations you want to get away from. AND it is hard to make internal changes with little or no support from the external living situation.

There has to be a point where you have done the needed internal work, and the next step is to change the external circumstances. BOTH are required in order for complete and lasting change to occur. You must both do the internal work, being willing to change, and you must change your external experience such that it supports your new vision for your life.

In my case I have been working on my internal issues for YEARS now. But the external is still missing my people, my spiritual support group. It is still missing my lover or lovers. It is still missing my own house on my own piece of land. It is still missing a family of my own. It is still missing a way for me to support myself. It is still missing a purpose or a reason for continuing to live this live. It is still missing happiness.

If I stay here these missing things will remain missing. In order to obtain these missing things I must go and seek them out. THAT, at the heart of this, is why I must leave. I do not need the gift of prophecy (which when I was a Christian I was told I had) to predict that if I stay here these missing things will remain missing. It is obvious.

But not only that, if I stay here I will be a burden to those living here. Sure I can work for the lady my parents are renting space from. Sure I could crash in the living room. When the work runs out, I could get my parents to pay an additional $200 a month for me to stay here, and they would do it.

But it is obvious, if you look at the situation clearly, that this is in the direction of force, not flow. I have to make it work here. I have to make myself fit here. Leaving, while hard on a number of levels, is actually the easiest course of action for me. It requires much less effort on my part to leave than to stay. I may not have a plan and the future is uncertain. But that is the most effortless path for me to follow, and, as I have said, it is the only way to obtain those things I desire. They are not located here at this time.

I would be lying if I said I liked the idea of thumbing or using public transportation  to travel down the California coast, wandering around with no goal or plan, in the vain hope that I will find some thread of the life I want to live that I could follow. I am not looking forward to sleeping on the side of the road. Living like a beach bum. Limited resources. Little if any food. No safe place to sleep. No creature comforts. No way to make money unless I stumble onto work opportunities. It does look bleak.

My friend speaks right when he says that at least here I have a roof over my head. But was we have just shown, sometimes having a roof over your head is not a good enough reason to stay in one place. Maybe even sometimes it is better to walk or run towards a definite or possible death instead of drifting towards it. If the situation in which you find yourself is leaving you unhappy, perhaps it is time simply to leave?

Maybe the external has to change first before one is willing to work on the internal. Or perhaps the external must change after the internal has been worked on. Either way, sometimes what is needed is a decision and action. Make it, see what happens, if it is not yielding the results you want, make another decision and take another action.

We are not meant to live our lives like flies in amber, stuck in one place for all eternity. Living is fluid, fluctuating. Change is constant. The person you married years ago may not the the best person for you to be with today. The friends you had years ago may not be the best people to be your friends now. We have to learn how to accept this, how to let go and move on. We need to learn how to move, when moving is required.

I hope my friend reads this and gains some understanding.

How Do You See Yourself?

I recently purchased a book entitled, “Thoughts Are Things.” This is the Earnest Holmes version, not the Prentice Mulford version I was after. The first page of the text after the introduction was all about how a person sees themselves. I realized that I have not been seeing myself in a very good way. I had been seeing myself as suffering from allergic reactions instead of being healthy, poor instead of rich, lonely instead of surrounded by friends, directionless and uncertain instead of having confidently set my course, etc.

I came to understand how insidious this issue really is. Using a real-life example, most convicts get released from prison and find themselves going right back to a life of crime. Now I don’t know if this is true, and I don’t know what these ex-convicts are thinking. But I have a feeling, a hunch, that they have bought into the belief that the majority of criminals return to a life of crime. Likely they also believe there is no other way for them to have the life they want. Finally they almost certainly don’t see themselves as free from a life of crime, having the lives they desire, enjoying themselves, being happy.

I would be surprised if I ever met a former criminal who thought that way. But if I did I would no longer be looking at someone with a criminal mentality, which is ultimately a lack and limitation mentality. I would be looking at someone who found a way to live their lives free of crime. Someone who has changed how they thought about not only the world, but also about themselves. That is the key, It is most important.

It will do you absolutely no good to tell yourself the Universe provides and things are going t work out, like I have, if you don’t see yourself as receiving of the abundance of the Universe, if you don’t see things working out in your life. You will perpetuate the undesired, unwanted state you are in, and that is exactly what has happened to me.

You have to have confidence in yourself, you have to believe in yourself, you have to love and accept yourself as you are. If people say things that tear you down, you have to stop buying into what they are saying. It is a control mechanism. These people, no matter how much they profess to love you, no matter how much you believe they mean well, are trying, usually not consciously, to keep you down, keep you unchanged. Your changing threatens them.

My mom did this to me tonight. Two things she said in response to things I had said. She was talking to dad, and I could tell in her tone of voice she was guilt-tripping him. I told him that mom was trying to take him on a guilt trip again. She denied this, asked me, “What’s wrong with you?” and told me that I was judging her. I realized something later. By saying I was judging her, she was actually judging me. And her response to my observation was an attack because I was likely right.

I did not have to say anything when I observed what I did in her tone of voice. And I could be wrong. I claim any responsibility I need to claim in this incident. And ultimately I guess I am glad it happened, because it made it clear to me a number of things that I hadn’t been paying much attention to. I see now how I buy into the belief that there must be something wrong with me. That I am somehow in some way bad, a bad person, even though I know consciously, as I write this, that this is a lie.

It makes it even clearer to me that I have not been seeing or perceiving myself correctly. That I need to believe and know myself to be all the things I want to be. I am sitting here, scared shitless of what to do after graduation, because I have no fucking clue what I will do or where I will go. I am doing that, and hurting myself in the process, instead of seeing myself as knowing exactly what to do, exactly where to go. As confidently having a place to go and a direction to travel.

I am undermining myself. If I do not change how I see myself, if I do not see myself as I want to be, in a way that is beneficial and desirable for me instead of to my detriment, then after I graduate next year I will just repeat some variation of the last time I tried to set out on my own. It doesn’t work – it didn’t then, it can’t work now and it won’t work in the future.

Somehow I have to see myself as I want to be. Having my own place. Supporting myself easily, on my terms. Being a man of affluence as well as a man of letters. Having wonderful, supportive friends. Having a loving woman to share my bed and life with. Having children of my own. Living life on my terms, not working at some job for 40 years until I retire like my dad. Enjoying my life, doing work that I want to do, that I find fulfilling, meaningful and that pays well.

All the affirmations and Creative Workshops in the world will do no good until I can see myself as the man I want to be, instead of the man I am and the man I fear I will become. So learn from my example. Change how you see and perceive yourself first, if your life is not what you would like it to be. Demand better of your life, and see yourself better.

Change how you perceive yourself, stop buying into anything anyone says that does not support you. Keep your eye firmly fixed on your ideal version of yourself, followed by your ideal version of your life. Remember, you have to change how you believe, feel, perceive and see yourself before you can change your life in any way. It starts with you, and moves outward from there.


I have made such a big deal of this thing called purpose. Feeling it’s absence in my life, or simply having forgotten it, or having suppressed it – whatever the case may be – has left me feeling like something was missing in my life. That there was something wrong with me.

I defined purpose, when I started to look for one, as that thing I came to this world to do or to learn. But I am beginning to suspect I have bought into yet another illusion. Yet another belief structure of humanity and society.

If I do not believe in fate or destiny, what room could there be for a purpose? If I would not want to be confined to fate or destiny, why would I allow myself to wear the shackles of purpose? What if there is no purpose? No fate, no destiny – nothing.

Or what if the reason I am here, call it destiny, fate or purpose, is beyond physical understanding? Something I can only translate into insufficient physical terms, like Christians trying to define God, trying to stuff the creator of the entire fucking Universe into a box. Futile, pointless and potentially harmful. Certainly shortsighted.

Eckhart Tolle teaches me that this thing called purpose only exists in the future. It is a favorite ego fantasy. That my purpose is whatever I am doing in this moment, now. To put all my attention and awareness into whatever I am doing.

I just finished Millman’s “Peaceful Warrior.” The main character in that story learns a lesson so hard it literally kills him. Not sure how that works, the mind can not distinguish between an image it holds or something the physical body sees. He has a vision of his own death. Only I think it was more than  that. But ultimately, even that character found a purpose, to be a Warrior, a Teacher.

I am troubled by this, because if I go by what Tolle says, my purpose is to be here, living with my parents in their motorhome. To have no money, nobody to share my life with. To ultimately have no future. I see nothing on this path that leads me to believe it will carry me to a life I actually want to live. And I am to embrace this, accept it, and live each moment of this life as if whatever I am doing in that moment is my purpose.

Am I not allowed to define my life for myself? To choose a purpose the appeals to me and live that? Must I just accept things as they are, whether I like them or not? On the other hand, what good does it do me to complain, fight and struggle? To, as the Bible says,  “Kick against the goads?”

If I can not embrace my life as it is in this moment, if I can not accept it as it is, then I will suffer. Do I really want to add more suffering to a life that I consider to be far less than I want? No. So I will practice this, embracing each moment, accepting it, not wanting it to change or be anything else. I will continue to train myself through ACIM so that I may see things as they are. I will accept them a they are and see them as they are. This is my intention.

I am not sure if I believe this yet, but I will state it as fact and let it be weighed on the scales of personal experience. When you were born, it was without destiny, fate, karma or even purpose. Nobody was born to be a dancer, painter, teacher, or even a Warrior. You come into the world not only naked physically but also naked in every other aspect.

Does that mean your life is meaningless? Does your life have to have meaning? It seems to me that this is heavy burden to carry. If you have not found any meaning in your life, you will feel somehow lacking or missing something. I am not so sure things have to have meaning, and whatever meaning we assign them is a limited definition at best.

You were not born with a meaning, any more than you were born with clothes, or a destiny, fate, karma, purpose or sin. Yet you were born complete and perfect. Whatever your physical condition, you came into the world complete. It may not look that way on the surface, but every human comes into the world a complete package, lacking nothing and yet having nothing more than a physical body and that energy that gives it life, call it what you will.

Maybe this is a tough pill to swallow. But I am right there with you, trying to choke it down. Because I have come to understand that of all the things I understand, I know little, and all the things I know I understand little. But I am learning and coming to know these things that have, so far, remained merely intellectual constructs.

Embrace Uncertainty, Question Everything.


3-30-2016 – My Failure

I have just watched the season finale of Mythbusters, and the AMA special with Adam Savage on YouTube. He quotes Jon Kabat Zinn as saying, “You wanna know how your life is gonna turn out? Look around you because it’s already happened and and this is what it’s turned out to be.” I can’t find the original version of this quote, I suspect this is paraphrased because I would be surprised if Mr. Zinn would use words like , “wanna” and “gonna.”

Whatever the original form, however this may have been intended. I felt a stab of pain (and am still feeling it now) when I heard this. Because what I see when I look around is absolutely, completely worthless.

I used to be able to console myself by thinking of my work here, at this blog. But certain recent things have happened to cause me to doubt my authenticity as a spiritual person, which throws the entirely of everything i have written into doubt. Besides, a few years of blogs and websites? That’s what I leave the world, should I die right now, in this moment?

A few moments ago I thought back to when I was a kid. I still remember him, the “ladies man”, my shirt unbuttoned, no fat anywhere on my body. I had 3 girlfriends in the space of a few years. Hell I have a scar on the back of my head from when they fought over me outside the restroom, girls on each arm, as I struggled to escape, before they let go and I struck the rough brick wall.

Things went downhill around the 6th grade, the two girls I liked the best moved away, one right after the other, and I fell out of touch with the one I did not like so much, because when we kissed her lips were all prickly. It was the weirdest thing! Still I should never had treated her like I did, ignoring her, she was there the whole time, as each of the other girls left. Why is it we ignore the ones who have always been there for us? What the hell is wrong with us?

The thing is I can’t think of a single hero I had as a boy. A single man or woman I looked up to above all others. A single role model. A single thing I really wanted to be or do. I am thinking back, remembering to listening to music on the radio, but I am drawing a blank. Either I killed my dreams early on in life and blocked the memory of them from my mind, or those who raised me killed them. I do not criticize or judge. I lay no blame. I bear no bitterness or resentment.

If what I learned recently about myself is true, I have carried the burden of bitterness, hatred and resentment long enough. I have decided to act as if what I have learned is true and let all that shit go. It’s like a homeless person’s cart, being so attached to this thing I have to push around everywhere I go, afraid my stuff will be taken or worse, thrown away, always fearful, trying to protect things that, in all likelihood, only have value to me, and are garbage in the eyes of everyone else. I see no difference in that than in locking an iron ball to my ankle and walking around with it.

But it still makes me sad, as I look around at the life I am living, and really, I am just a step or two above that homeless person pushing their cart. The only difference between us is that I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly. That I can lock my door at night and feel safe. That I can sleep somewhere warm and comfortable. But very soon, in just a few months, I won’t even have these things, and I won’t have a shopping cart either. Just a bicycle, my bags and whatever I pack into them. Just the clothes on my back and in my bags. For as long as I have them.

I have had to manufacture dreams as I have forgotten my own, if I ever had them. I am alone in the world. Outside my family and friends I can count the number of on one had, I have no one. I have done nothing of any lasting, real value with my life, I have contributed nothing of any lasting, real value to the world. Maybe people will treasure my poems hundreds of years from now. More likely I will be forgotten in physical time.

Whatever dreams, ideas or visions I had as a boy they are as lost to me now as a balloon carelessly released in my childhood. It is unlikely I will ever find them again. Whatever words I have written here in this blog have to be questioned and scrutinized, tested in the forge of each reader’s individual experience. I hope I played the role of spiritual teacher well enough that some gold remains after these words have gone through the refiner’s fire.

The plain and simple truth of it is I fucked up. I can’t get back any of those early years. I have between 30-50 years left on this planet, and I can’t think of a single, solitary reason to continue living them. I can’t think of one thing to do with my life. The one dream I can remember, developed later in life as a teenager, was to work in the video game industry. I went to college and tried to learn how to program, and hit one of the first walls they put into place to weed out weaker students.

I failed, completely and utterly. In fact failure is the one thing throughout my life I have done, to use one of Adam Savage’s favorite words, “Spectacularly!” You don’t believe me? You doubt it? Well as additional proof let’s just say I and a certain movie that came out some years ago about a 40 year old man have a lot in common. I will let you use your imagination as to what I mean. I don’t have the courage to come right out and say it.

I am not sure what I am going to do now. I can’t find any acceptable painless ways to kill myself, and I don’t want to be even more of a looser (which I would see myself as being) by just giving up when I have not yet exhausted all other options. I would like to at least get out and explore the world a little. So many people around me just do not understand why I want to take this crazy, maybe even insane, bicycle trip down the Pacific Coast. They just don’t get it.

The only way to get anywhere is to move. It doesn’t matter in what direction, moving (or action if you prefer) is the key. I have to get out there and experience what out there is for myself! I have to have this direct experience of the world, see what happens, what I learn, and then I will be in a qualified position to make a final decision about my life, continuing it or ending it.

So many who would call themselves my friend, or say they care about me, do not like it when I talk about this. They refuse to respect my decision. They refuse to help me, consigning me to only painful ways of seeing it through, if that is what I choose to do. Maybe I could leave, as my legacy, these words as a message from everyone currently considering suicide, or who may consider it later. If you truly love us, let us go! Respect our decision and help us out so we don’t have to suffer through the process of death as much as we had to suffer through life.

Note that these words are spoken from the heart of a broken man trying very hard to superglue himself together. A man who is putting on a brave face for everyone who is concerned about him, who smiles and will try very hard to get you to laugh. Who wants everyone he cares about to be happy, who understands how much it would hurt them if he decided to take his own life.

A man who has weighed the pros and cons very carefully, and has been considering this, thinking about it, for 20 years or so. Someone of whom you can not say, “He didn’t think it through!” I have thought it through more than most anyone else in the history of mankind who has chosen a similar course of action, as far as I know. I don’t think many people take even 10 years to think about it. The act, by its nature, is somewhat spontaneous, driven by pain so great the only way out is death. One of my few gifts is a very high tolerance for pain.

These words I write here, and any words I may write in the future, are not written by the same man who started this blog. I suspect, I think I may even believe, that man was bitter and resentful at his parents for taking him out of school. He was playing a loving son role, but his sole motivation was to punish them for what they did. That man was also bitter and resentful at himself. He probably hated himself, and at least secretly hated his own parents. He punished himself by putting himself into the life he is currently living, and the physical form he is currently using. He drove people away, even his own friends, and isolated himself. He blamed everyone and everything else, even God, for his problems, and never took responsibility for the role he played in all of it.

That man died the day he opened his Nook and found the Tarot card Death. He realized that he needed to change, he had taken something that allowed him to see where he had gone wrong, and was already in the process of initiating the needed changes. This man, writing to you now, is the result of those changes.

When people tell you that, “People don’t change” never, for a single moment, believe it! That is complete and utter horseshit, and for whatever reason the media seems hell bent on making us believe this most terrible of lies, second only to the lie that we are not already perfect. People change all the time. Some people may choose not to. But change is inevitable in everyone’s life, without exception. Things happen all the time that cause us to have to change. I don’t think there has been a single human being in the history of our race that managed to live a full life without changing a single aspect of themselves.

If I leave one more thing of value, let me leave that. People can change, but only if they choose to. Change can not be forced, it must be chosen. Forced change will never stick. Marrying someone thinking they are some project you can work on, to make them someone else more compatible with you, will not work. It will end in failure and a lot of pain on both sides. It is perfectly OK to want someone to change. To desire them to be different or other than they are. Nothing wrong with a desire, any desire. But to try to force that change, or make that change occur, is not OK.

If you don’t like what you see in another person, instead of trying to change them, love and accent them exactly as they are, and work on yourself. Change your perspective of them and the story you tell about them. Tell the story of how they are the way you want them to be, not how they have never been or will never be what you wanted. That will create the space they need to change, if they choose to. But more likely, as you change your beliefs, feelings and thoughts about someone, you will begin to see them differently.

Always remember that you have all the power you need to change yourself, and no power at all to change anyone else!


The Bramble Patch

I have started, and nearly finished, “The Abundance Book” by John Randolph Price. I am on Day 3 of the 40-Day Prosperity plan. I have also been reading “The Power of Emotions” by Abraham/Hicks and “Manifesting Change” by Mike Dooley. There is something I can’t quite put my finger on. I wanted to write about it, I don’t know if this will show up at my blog or not. I think the best way to work through this is using an example.Let’s say a man chooses one day to go hunting for gold or some treasure. Something out there in the world, something hidden or lost. Let’s say that this man does not focus on the hidden-ness or loss-ness of that which he seeks. Instead he is driven by some inner certainty or knowledge that he will find it. In other words, he has a finding mindset. Furthermore let’s assume that he is seeing himself as already having found the gold or treasure. It is not something that will happen someday, but, as far as this man is concerned, it has already happened. He is going to go out and find it. It is as good as found. Also he is not doing so to pay of a debt, or as a way to become rich, or anything like that.

Let us assume this man has come to a place in his life when there is nothing for him at home. That he has a home and all his needs are met. But the kids have moved out, maybe the wife has died or moved away. He is bumping around this house, all alone, bit not dwelling on being alone or lonely. He just wants to get out, get away. Maybe he reads an article about some lost treasure. Maybe he has spent a few months preparing, getting everything set up, educating himself. Now he is off.

Understand that we are talking about someone in what I would think of as an ideal state to find that which they seek. Certainly this sort of mindset, one driven by adventure and discovery, not fame, fortune or greed, is uncommon. But it seems to me that in all the history of gold and treasure seekers, at least a handful would have been in a similar mindset to this ideal.

Here is what I don’t understand… I watch TV shows with my dad all the time, many of them about real life treasure seekers. I just watched one about some guy in Japan who spent his entire life digging for a treasure that likely did not even exist. Maybe they are not painting a truthful picture, or talking about those who have succeeded, although there was one where a man did find something. I don’t know. It seems like almost everyone without exception fails to find that which they have sought for sometimes years.

My problem is that our man here, it seems to me, would never find any gold or treasure. He would go out, look maybe even until the end of his days, but find little more than maybe scraps and trinkets. I think this would be the case because if someone has gone out, found a vast amount of gold or some long lost treasure, we would hear about it, wouldn’t we? It would be all over the news, everyone would be talking about it, and there would be a movie. But in my 39 years of life I can’t recall hearing anything about that. Can you?

But it does not make sense to me, given these teachings. They all, in essence, are saying the same thing. JRP says to look for the Source of money, seek God in other words, not money. Abraham talks about finding thoughts that are more in alignment with what is desired. Dooley instructs us to think as if we already had it. Not as if we will someday have it in the future, keeping it ahead of us. But living now, in this moment, as we would be living when this thing we desire has manifested. I am not sure I am explaining that very well. It comes down to feeling and thinking from when our desire has manifested right here, right now, in this moment.

If we want to be as rich as Donald Trump, then we take all our money, or, if we don’t have any money, pull out a credit card, and get a nice custom tailored suit. We may not, at the moment, have the money Trump has. But maybe we can dress like him! This is taking action in the direction of our desire, the suit will help us feel as if we were as wealthy as Mr. Trump, and if we used up all our money or spent a lot of credit, well we have to be having faith that this inflow of money we desire is coming. How we tie that in with JRP’s instruction to focus on the Source of our supply, not the money or wealth we want, I do not know.

Back to our treasure hunter… Something just isn’t gelling with me. Something just doesn’t add up. I feel as if a piece is missing. Maybe it is not being taught in these materials, or maybe it is and I am missing it or overlooking it. But it seems to me that if you are thinking predominately thoughts of gold and treasure, you should manifest into your life gold and treasure. If you think predominantly about money and wealth, you should see a lot of money and wealth in your life. If these teachings are true. But this is not what we see or what I experience.

The teachings say it is because there is some unconscious belief or thought (I prefer to say a belief or thought outside awareness) that is behind the conscious thought. In essence the Universe is responding to that. But that is disempowering and a convenient scape goat. It makes no sense. How can unconscious or unaware beliefs and thinking have more power than conscious beliefs and thinking? If they are more powerful, what makes them that way? If we get what we think about, whether we want it or not (Abraham) than that, to my mind, should work both consciously, within awareness and unconsciously, outside awareness.

That is just one problem I have encountered. Another is this… Here I am, having lived 39 years, and only in the last few have I learned about any different ways to see God, to think about money and various other subjects. I come to these new ways of thinking and looking at life after years thinking about them differently, and seeing them differently. There was little if any aware or conscious choosing of my former beliefs and thinking patterns. My parents raised me a certain way, to believe certain things, to think in a certain way. I, in essence, inherited their belief and thinking patterns. I had little or no conscious choice in it.

Now it seems as if those belief and thinking patterns are wrong. Or at the very least do not empower me, and are no longer the way I choose to believe and think. But even after changing what I believe and how I think, those old tracks the train of my thoughts used to run on are still there, and that damn train keeps running on them, instead of these new tracks I have worked so hard to lay. Why do these old patterns of belief and though hold so much more power over these ways of belief and thinking I am consciously choosing now? Why is it so hard?

To me it seems like it should be easy and simple. But this is not what I am experiencing here. Shouldn’t what I consciously choose for myself now overpower and overwrite anything others previously chose for me? If not, why? How do I make what I choose to believe and think now eradicate all earlier ways of believing and thinking? How can I reach in there and just rip that bullshit out? Why do I have to go through this dance routine with this stuff? Why can’t I just cut it out like someone would cut a cancerous tumor from the physical body?

If my old ways of belief and thinking are keeping me from allowing myself to do anything I want to do, whether it be to draw or play the guitar masterfully, or are keeping me from manifesting the things I desire, like clarity about the best way, to the highest good of all, I can leave this house comfortably and safely, or experience abundance, in friends, money and resources, then these patterns of belief and ways of thinking must be overwritten or removed. But what if nobody can do what Shimoda does in Illusions? What if everything Abraham, Dooley and even JRP are teaching is complete and utter bullshit? What if manifestation does not work? What if life really does suck and we have little no power to change a single thing if we are not happy with it?

I have nobody to talk to about this. I see no evidence, with my physical eyes, that anything I am, currently, choosing to believe and think is real. In fact I see no evidence of God, I have had little or no experience of what I call the Source. The only things I have that make me think there may be something more outside the physical are my experiences with what I think was a Tulpa, and the one time I managed to re-enter a dream, where I was met by a fox that was not there before. Others may explain this way with some complicated psycho-therapy jargon. I tend to avoid the complicated. K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple & Spiritual

Re-entering a dream is outside normal experience. Seeing a fox in that dream that was not there before is outside of normal experience. There were other things I have seen too. Feeling connected to something outside my physical body is outside normal experience. The one thing I know for sure is that the Bible fails to present any compelling information on these subjects, therefore the Bible fails, therefore the Christian faith, of which the Bible is its cornerstone, fails. If nothing else at least I have learned that God is either far more or far less than what Christians believe.

But I have no interest in arguing what God is or is not with others. I have little if any experience or knowledge. If I can not and do not know what God is I certainly will not argue about it with others. Utter foolishness! I am focused on more immediate concerns… If no other path opens for me, I am leaving home in a few months, with no intention of returning. I am going out on my own, with only a bicycle and such equipment as I have managed to collect. Foodstamps for food. Once they run out or no longer work that’s it. Either God, AKA Source or The Universe, provides, or I starve. If stepping out in faith is what I must do so that the Universe will line everything up before me, then this is what I am doing. But if I step out and my foot finds nothing to support it, that’s it.

Abraham would probably tell me that I was not in alignment. JRP would probably say that I did not seek God AKA Source AKA The Universe as my supply. Dooley would probably tell me that I didn’t think from the perspective of already being, doing or having whatever it was I wanted to be, do or have. Maybe one of these would also tell me I didn’t feel it strongly enough. My parents and other Christians would tell me I didn’t trust God, or worse, what I was doing was not God’s will. Meanwhile I am plummeting to my physical death and none of their words will help one bit. In fact they would just be extra weight pushing me down.

I do not want to believe that I entered this world only to fail. But I also do not see how I can come to any place of success from here. I have little or no clarity of what exactly I should be doing at this point in my life. I want to believe that if I desired something strongly enough, and thought about it often enough, like our earlier treasure hunter example I would find what I desire. I would acquire it, it would come into my life experience. I want to believe that manifestation works, that I can do everything Shimoda did in Illusions.

But I am also alone, tired and wore out. I have worked hard all my life and have nothing of any real value to show for it. I have contributed little, as far as I know, to the world. Few will miss me or remember me were I to cease my physical existence right now, in this moment. As far as I can tell, I just don’t matter, and I just don’t have the strength to keep fighting, if I even am fighting, and if I am (it sure feels like it) I am not even sure what it is I am fighting for.

Dooley has one thing right. We all want happiness, even those of us who seem determined to be unhappy. We all want to be happy, without exception. There is no human who desires unhappiness. They may choose to be unhappy, but secretly, deep down, they want to be happy. I think we all would like to enjoy our lives, have fun, and live our dreams. I know I would.

I can tell you for a fact that my life has not been very enjoyable or fun up to now. About all I can determine is that living my life as I have has given me the life I have lived. So in order to have a difference life experience, I am going to have to live differently. Can’t keep doing the same things and expecting different results in other words. So I am throwing myself into a drastic life change, and hoping (because hope is about all I have to hold on to right now) that things will change, and specifically hoping that they will change for the better. Not sure how long I could keep going if they changed for the worst.

The best way I can illustrate how I feel right now is that I am well into a thick, extra thorny bramble patch. I followed my parents and other authority figures here. I followed my early belief patterns and ways of thinking here. I want to get out of these thorns, and I see the teachings of those like Abraham, Dooley and JRP as instructions for a way out. So I have determined to follow them. Because I have come to understand that continuing to follow my parents, authority figures, or former beliefs and thoughts will only lead me deeper into the brambles. Maybe that is the right path for them. But it is not the path I want for me. So I will follow these teachings, and if they do not lead me out to somewhere more desirable, somewhere I more want to be, well then I just don’t know what else to do. But I won’t be able to keep going.

Can’t focus on that though. Work on my alignment, frequency, vibration. Feel and think from the end result of the manifestation of my desire. That I am out of those thorns, and how good it feels to be free! In this place where I can enjoy my life, have fun, and live my dreams. Maybe I will finally remember what my long-lost childhood dreams were, if I even had any. There is a big world out there to experience, lots of amazing things to enjoy, lots of fun to have, lots of dreams, new and old, to live. I just have to feel and live as if I am free of these brambles first.

OK, breaks over. Pulling out that machete and moving on…

How You Can Change The World

Sometimes I feel so powerless. I read something, like what China is doing to Tibet, and how nobody is doing anything about it, and I wish I could wave a finger and kill everyone on earth who is bad. Who is harming others, being oppressive, being criminal. Just wave a finger, and only good people will be left.

But I realized today that all the countries are being mirrors to each other. China is being a mirror to America and maybe India, among other countries. China is showing us what we need to address as a race. America is showing other countries what they need to do. These mirrors not only show each country what they need to collective become or do, these mirrors all together are showing the human race what needs to change in its being, its consciousness.

Maybe suffering itself is unnecessary. But these mirrors are. When humanity has become what it needs to become, has gown how it needs to grow, is what it needs to be, doing what it needs to do, the mirrors will cease. There will be no more countries doing horrible things showing us what needs to be addressed. That will simply stop. Humanity will know when it, as a race, is collectively where it needs to be because there will be no mirrors anywhere showing any country or group or person the things they need to address. There will be nothing more to address. Suffering will cease, conflict will cease. There will only be harmony.

As long as there is disharmony, as long as there are mirrors, there are things that must be changed. Things that must be addressed, Things that must be faced. We start the process with ourselves, and it proceeds outward from there. We do not force anything to happen, or make anything happen. Things just naturally happen, we flow into whatever courses of action that need to be taken. But we start with ourselves first, and it spreads from there to our families, or communities, our nations and finally the world.

All change begins one person at a time, looking at the mirror of the world outside of themselves, seeing what needs to be addressed, and dealing with it. Like a man looking in a mirror to see if his tie is straight. Or a woman looking in a mirror to see if her hair is gathered neatly. They wouldn’t know to straighten their tie, or if it was straight, had they not used the mirror. They wouldn’t know that their hair is gathered together correctly, hanging evenly, set the way they wanted.

What is referred to as”the real world” is a mirror to each of us. We look out in this world and whatever we see that is, in our perception, bad, negative or wrong, is showing us what we need to change in our own lives. It is showing us what we need to address in our own lives.

Eventually we come to the point where we look outside and all is harmonious in our perception. That means we have changed what we needed to changed, become what we needed to become. Others may see the word differently, but that is because they are seeing what they need to address in their own lives. If one of these people brought a conflict or war to the attention of the one seeing things harmoniously, they would not longer be seeing things harmoniously, and would be seeing something they need to be or change.

When nothing is brought to their attention, they proceed in the world, living as examples to the rest of us because there is no disharmony around them, no conflict, nothing wrong. In their immediate sphere if influence there is nothing that needs to be addressed. When we all live like that humanity is no longer in conflict. Until we live like that, we must each deal with ourselves, and our individual spheres of influence.

You eat an elephant one bite at a time, and you change the world one person at a time. You don’t have to do anything extraordinary. Rosa Parks just stayed in her seat. As a result, America was set on the road to change. You just do whatever it is you can do, based on what is reflected to you in your sphere of influence.

Maybe you used to be a smoker, but you quit, and you see others smoking around you. You know how hard it was to quit, you know why you quit, so you share with those others these things. They decide to quit, and maybe, following your example, they share why they quit with others. So it goes. Some may not quit, that does not mean you failed, or anyone failed. You did what you could do, in your sphere of influence, and maybe sharing one time is not enough. Maybe you have to share multiple times. Or maybe the sharing is not important to this person. Maybe this one who has not quit is watching you, waiting for you to stumble, to smoke again. So your course of action for them is to remain strong. Be an example. Never smoke again. That will bring them to change.

The change can be fast or slow. It does not matter. We do not try to make anyone or anything change. We change ourselves, and in the natural flow of our lives, if there is other action to take, we take it. We give no thoughtr to who is changing or not changing. We give no thought to how fast or slow the change is taking place. We let all of that go, do what flows naturally for us in our lives to do, and leave the rest. It is enough that we have done that, there is nothing more to do. A snowball starts small and it takes a long time for it to become a mountain. All we can do is build the initial snowball and send it on its way.

In the case of Tibet what I can do is start up my petition again. I can share a link to that petition. That is all I can do, at this moment. That is enough. That is the start of the snowball, the first bite of the elephant. Someone else may send a letter to get the attention of those in power in their government. Someone else may start a protest to raise awareness. This is how the snowball grows, how the elephant is consumed. I do not think about how I should be doing something else, or should not be doing this. It is in my awareness, I need to address it. China is being a mirror to my country, so my country must address the issues the reflection shows in itself. But my country can do nothing, and will do nothing, unless its individuals do something, unless I, as one of its individuals, do what flows naturally in my sphere of influence to do.

This is the power I have, the power to change the world. It is not a power I need ti fight for or seek. It is not even a power I earn,. This is the power I have already, the power of simply being aware, noting when something presents to me the issues I must address in my own life. You possess this same power. You are not powerless. Where you live, your lief circumstances, ate irrelevant. If you are alive you have this power, period. To use it, simply look around you at the things you perceive to be bad, negative or wrong. Things you want to change, things that convict you.

If you are a Chinese citizen, look at what your country is doing to Tibet. Would you like those things to be done in your own country, your own cities, to your own families? If you feel convicted about the actions of your country, speak out. Stand together, in whatever way you can, to raise awareness of what is going on in Tibet, and in this way, you can influence the actions of your country. China is your country, it belongs to you collectively, the individuals and their families who lives there. Not just to the people in charge or the royal families. What is going in in Tibet is showing you what needs to be addressed in your country, and what is going on in your country shows you clearly what needs to be addressed in your individual lives. Be what you need t be, do what you need to do, change your country and help change the world.

If you are a Chinese soldier in Tibet, abandon your post. This is what you can do. Or, if you have authority, give orders that will help the Tibetan people. Go against the orders of your country. That is what you can do. If you are a Chinese police officer, called in to stop a protest, stay home. If you have authority in the Chinese police, disobey any orders against the Chinese people. The Chinese government is absolutely powerless without its police officials and soldiers. Imagine if all the soldiers and police officers stopped following the orders of its government in a peaceful protest! Things would change very quickly, with little or no violence.

Determine what these things, being mirrors to you, are telling you to address in your own life. Make the changes, allow yourself to be whatever you need to be. Do not make anything happen, do not run away from what is happening. Be or do what flows naturally for you to be or do in your own sphere of influence.

In this way we navigate our lives. We know what to change in ourselves that needs changing. We know what to do in our lives that needs doing. By addressing these things in ourselves, we address the issues we see in the world. We become the butterfly, moving its wings, causing a tornado on the other side of the planet.


Air becoming water,
Water becoming air,
The cycle continues.

The sun sets,
Rises the next day,
The leaves fall,
The seasons change,
Even I have changed.

I am becoming…
What? I do not know,
One of many questions,
To which there is no answer,
The questions continue.

This quest to understand,
To find meaning,
A reason to live,
A dream to pursue,
Is just another cycle.

Everything moves,
Everything changes,
Nothing is stagnant,
All that does not change,
Is unnatural and dead.

Perfection is unnatural,
Because perfection,
Is a state of unchanging,
The ultimate being reached,
But life is in the reaching.

That we grasp for the stars,
Is what makes us human,
That we yearn to fly,
Despite our lack of wings,
These are signs of life.

Any place of perfection,
Is also a place of stagnation,
So you can keep your heaven,
I have no use for such a place,
I seek to change and grow.

It is the adventure that draws me,
The quest which compels me,
It is the living that drives me,
These moments which move me,
These things give me life.

Without them life has no meaning,
Without them life is death,
Life with an absence of living,
Provides no reason to go on,
Or for the cycle to continue.

These words will challenge you,
They bring to question,
All the beliefs you cherish,
They scrutinize you ideas,
They expose the truth.

You may not be ready to see it,
That all is perfect already,
In the perfect state of change,
Everything is as it should be,
No matter how it may appear.

Sit in a hot tub,
Become aware of your body,
See the tiny bubbles,
Feel them tickle your nose,
Breath, and live.

The Truth About Balance

I have a realization today that was sobering, and which I still don’t fully understand. The picture below is the easiest way I can think to depict this:

True Balance

True Balance

Essentially what this is meant to display is the fact that what most call balance can only exist if there is also an imbalance. The image, tentatively entitled, “True Balance”, shows that true balance is not a balance at all. It is a state of acceptance. This is acceptance of all, everything in your awareness, its “isness” if you will.

I never really understood until how what exactly was meant when certain books taught that good and bad are the same thing. My mind balked at this idea. Now I’m beginning to see just how this is. I have used a sort of battery icon to demonstrate this. Each battery in the illustration is of a commonly held and cherished societal belief. These are only the most commonly known ones, from the top of my head. there are many more.

Many religions teach this idea of good and evil. Some religions worship good, some worship evil. Here’s the thing, no matter which side you consciously give your energy to, your energy also travels to the other end of the spectrum. It has to. In a belief such as good VS evil good can not exist without evil, nor evil without good. By believing and worshiping one extreme or the other you give equal amounts of energy to both, because you are powering the entire belief. True Balance is found in the center, accepting the world and its inhabitants as they are. Here’s the truth, nobody is good or evil, and the world is neither good nor evil. A tree is beautiful to look at. It gives us oxygen to breathe. But it can still kill you by falling on you in some way, you falling from it, lighting striking you while you are under it, fire from its wood burning down your house, etc.

A tree simply is. People simply are. Sin only exists because certain religions believe it does. Likewise bad people only exist because others, including themselves, believe them to be bad. But you were born in the center, you were born as neither. Not perfect. Perfection implies imperfection. Perfection is stagnation in that you are always good enough, imperfection implies devolution in that you never are good enough. You just simply were. As you grew up, based on others beliefs of you, and the ones you took on for yourself, you started to go to one end of the scale or the other. You can only get back to the center by a conscious act of will.

The same applies for positive VS negative. Just as I was led into the trap of Christianity, where I chose to stay until recently, so I fill into this trap. Always training my parents to think positively. Sounds great huh? Nothing wrong with looking on the brighter side, right? Wrong.

By investing energy into the positive you are also investing an equal amount of energy into the existence of the negative. This can have long-lasting detrimental effects. Imagine if your parents constantly taught you to think positively, ingraining that thought system into you. It became your religion. What happens when you think a negative thought? This can happen because all possibilities exist, both positive and negative, and you could experience either one. Well when that negative though comes in you are likely to criticize and judge yourself, investing still more energy into the negative even as you try to claw your way to the positive. In the end you fail to accept yourself as you are, and how can you love yourself if you do not accept yourself? How can you love others if you do not love yourself?

So the idea here is to remain neutral, neither positive or negative. You accept yourself as you are, you accept others as they are. But here is where I’m currently stuck. How can you improve yourself when you are constantly thinking negative things? Because that’s where I was before I found books, before I embarked on my journey of spiritual growth, that taught me to think positively? Will the simple act of loving and accepting yourself as you are change your mind from negative thought patterns? Some research has to be done here.

Before you start going all 1960s on me about love, even though its not on that chart, that’s another trap. Do you know when one of the worst racist periods was in America? In the 1960s, right there with the huge love movement. That’s because, you guessed it, believing and worshiping love also gives energy to hatred. Love is not the key, as I have already said, acceptance is. If you worship love and aren’t feeling you are loving enough, what do you do? You begin to criticize and judge, to hate yourself. That’s right, hatred comes in. Likewise if you are a racist, hating others because of the color of their skin, what happens? You find yourself in uncomfortable loving situations. Maybe someone you were persecuting looked at you with pure love and forgiveness. Not sure how it works here at the other end of the scale, so more research should be done there as well.

Then there is the Buddhist teaching of, “No Attachment, No Aversion.” Well, unlike the other things in the image, the Buddhist perspective plants you solidly in the center, right where you need to be.

OK, so how about those who may not have religion? Scientists, government types, etc.? Well they do have a religion believe it or not. They all collectively believe in and worship laws or rules. Most scientific people insists on these things in the process of their work. Most government types believe a society without laws and rules would be lawless. Do you know how many jails we have here in America? Did you ever wonder how come Gotham City got worse after Batman stepped in?

By creating laws and rules we create those who abide by them and those who do not. Those who do not follow rules and laws begin to believe that they are the criminals or rule breakers everyone seems to see them as. In another couple of years Obama Care will become law. You will have to buy health insurance. This will be a law, a rule. So are you a criminal if you can’t afford to purchase health care, and decide to go without it? What happens if your job, which you have held onto by the skin of your teeth (not through any fault of your own) is taken away because your employers require that you have insurance, and they find out you don’t? They’re happy to throw you out, they’ve been trying to get rid of you for years but so far have found no reason to be able to do so. Now you have no job. But let’s say you have a family at home, a couple of children. Rents coming due, one of them needs medicine, you all need food. You try to find legal work and can’t. Can’t sell yourself on the street either. So you fall in with what others call a bad crowd, and get involved in stealing some money. Or maybe you just walk into a bank and hold it up. Now you are officially a criminal, a rule breaker. Once they take away your children, you may start to believe you are the bad person everyone says you are. Things continue to spiral down this way. I have a hunch that this story is all-to-common in our society.

But until we learn to accept ourselves and each other as we are, developing natural love through acceptance, it may be very hard to throw out the rules. Only a people that accept each other and themselves will have the respect needed to live together peaceably without rules or laws.

Oh and let’s not forget another truth here – you can’t force anyone to change. So police officers, trying to force people to abide by laws and rules, only causes people to go the other way and break laws and rules. Because police officers do not, in general, accept people as they are. To a cop you are a law abiding citizen or you are a criminal. Once you have been labeled a criminal you remain one for the rest of your life. When cops enforce stupid rules like mandatory health care, they increase the injustice the citizenry feel and create more criminals.

The idea place to be here is, once again, neutral. Neither law-abiding nor a criminal. But how one can go about doing that is beyond my ken at this point!

Lastly we have desirable VS undesirable. The theme and way this works is the same as all others. Belief in any one extreme creates the other. You can apply this to like VS dislike as well. This is yet another trap that I have only recently fell into.

So I have a future I want, the absolute best life for me. Well if there is an absolute best life then there is a absolute worst life, isn’t there? I am not accepting life as it is, moment by moment. But here is a puzzle for me. We humans have been gifted, as far as I know, with the ability to create the reality we want. So how can we use this gift and at the same time accept life as it is? I don’t know. I could create the reality where I do know, and say something like, “I learn how”, but this also creates the reality where I don’t know.

My working theory right now, unless hypothesis is a better word, is that by accepting life as it is, you will naturally fall into the best life for yourself. Because you invest energy equally in the possibility of either side, without choosing one or the other, the two energies cancel each other out, or purify each other, or Truly Balance each other, and this energy comes back to you in whatever area it applies to. So by simply accepting others as they are, accepting myself as I am, the energy comes to me naturally to purely and truly love others and myself, and this pure, genuine love, this love of pure acceptance, without bias, prejudice, expectation or anything else, well it affects others I interact with as well, making a change in them as they begin to believe in themselves to love and accept themselves, then others, and the cycle continues. This is how we change the world. It starts with one person, then takes off exponentially.

The good news is that this process already started. Thousands of years ago with people like Jesus and Buddha. It is continuing today with people all over the world. Someday this world will be at peace, it will be centered and Truly Balanced, all people will love and accept themselves and others. There will be little or no illness or sickness. We will live as one with our home. We may be vastly technologically advanced. Because once we love and accept ourselves and others, integration can occur. Right now there are bits of it, resulting in the advances we have had. But everyone on earth has the potential to contribute in some way to some advance or other, and when we are integrated, or what others call one (seems very scary to our ego driven need to be unique and individual), well then all the resources will be there to create whatever is needed or wanted.

Of course this vision of mine of the future is not made from a truly centered or neutral perception, so it is not of the highest ideal. But it should help those who read this post to see the potentiality in mankind, and in themselves.