I have made such a big deal of this thing called purpose. Feeling it’s absence in my life, or simply having forgotten it, or having suppressed it – whatever the case may be – has left me feeling like something was missing in my life. That there was something wrong with me.

I defined purpose, when I started to look for one, as that thing I came to this world to do or to learn. But I am beginning to suspect I have bought into yet another illusion. Yet another belief structure of humanity and society.

If I do not believe in fate or destiny, what room could there be for a purpose? If I would not want to be confined to fate or destiny, why would I allow myself to wear the shackles of purpose? What if there is no purpose? No fate, no destiny – nothing.

Or what if the reason I am here, call it destiny, fate or purpose, is beyond physical understanding? Something I can only translate into insufficient physical terms, like Christians trying to define God, trying to stuff the creator of the entire fucking Universe into a box. Futile, pointless and potentially harmful. Certainly shortsighted.

Eckhart Tolle teaches me that this thing called purpose only exists in the future. It is a favorite ego fantasy. That my purpose is whatever I am doing in this moment, now. To put all my attention and awareness into whatever I am doing.

I just finished Millman’s “Peaceful Warrior.” The main character in that story learns a lesson so hard it literally kills him. Not sure how that works, the mind can not distinguish between an image it holds or something the physical body sees. He has a vision of his own death. Only I think it was more than  that. But ultimately, even that character found a purpose, to be a Warrior, a Teacher.

I am troubled by this, because if I go by what Tolle says, my purpose is to be here, living with my parents in their motorhome. To have no money, nobody to share my life with. To ultimately have no future. I see nothing on this path that leads me to believe it will carry me to a life I actually want to live. And I am to embrace this, accept it, and live each moment of this life as if whatever I am doing in that moment is my purpose.

Am I not allowed to define my life for myself? To choose a purpose the appeals to me and live that? Must I just accept things as they are, whether I like them or not? On the other hand, what good does it do me to complain, fight and struggle? To, as the Bible says,  “Kick against the goads?”

If I can not embrace my life as it is in this moment, if I can not accept it as it is, then I will suffer. Do I really want to add more suffering to a life that I consider to be far less than I want? No. So I will practice this, embracing each moment, accepting it, not wanting it to change or be anything else. I will continue to train myself through ACIM so that I may see things as they are. I will accept them a they are and see them as they are. This is my intention.

I am not sure if I believe this yet, but I will state it as fact and let it be weighed on the scales of personal experience. When you were born, it was without destiny, fate, karma or even purpose. Nobody was born to be a dancer, painter, teacher, or even a Warrior. You come into the world not only naked physically but also naked in every other aspect.

Does that mean your life is meaningless? Does your life have to have meaning? It seems to me that this is heavy burden to carry. If you have not found any meaning in your life, you will feel somehow lacking or missing something. I am not so sure things have to have meaning, and whatever meaning we assign them is a limited definition at best.

You were not born with a meaning, any more than you were born with clothes, or a destiny, fate, karma, purpose or sin. Yet you were born complete and perfect. Whatever your physical condition, you came into the world complete. It may not look that way on the surface, but every human comes into the world a complete package, lacking nothing and yet having nothing more than a physical body and that energy that gives it life, call it what you will.

Maybe this is a tough pill to swallow. But I am right there with you, trying to choke it down. Because I have come to understand that of all the things I understand, I know little, and all the things I know I understand little. But I am learning and coming to know these things that have, so far, remained merely intellectual constructs.

Embrace Uncertainty, Question Everything.


A New Conception of Myself

For the last few days, maybe even the last couple of weeks, I have been really struggling with anger, depression and melancholy among other things. I would describe myself as being tied up in knots – feeling that way. My birthday is coming up and I think that has something to do with it. Also I may be homeless next year and that likely has something to do with it as well.

I went downstairs to get myself one of the remaining Thanksgiving rolls, found nothing, dug some french bread out of the freezer, and used these three slices of bread to make myself a snack. As I did so I began to think. I buttered one side of each, added a little pepper, a little garlic powder, a few sprinkles of Parmesan cheese and some Mexican cheese mix from the freezer. I had the oven warming up, set it to broil, and began to cook them. When I took them out they were perfect, golden brown, cheese melted on top. I forgot the salt but that was no big deal, I added just a pinch of salt to them.

As I added the salt I realized that I never talk about how good a cook I am. I never think of myself as a good cook. I never give myself any credit for my ability to follow a recipe, and 9 times out of 10, create the desired end result. It occurs to me that not many people can say that. Or how I can create some things, like a delicious soup, from scratch. How I don’t need to measure, I used pinches of this and that. But I can also measure everything to the last 1/8 teaspoon. I know how to increase or decrease ingredients to make something healthier or tastier. I use 1 tablespoon of butter for the Annie’s Aged Cheddar Shells, not 3 as instructed. There’s just a lot there, and most of it I taught myself. My mom started teaching me, but when she stopped I continued learning on my own. Yet I never talk about this desirable aspect of myself. I downplay it. I am not sure why.

I can write, but never see myself as a writer, much less a published author. I might say something like I have good writing ability, but once again I am downplaying another desirable aspect of myself. I can read and write at an advanced level. I have a lot of cool ideas I can explore – I have never run out of ideas for material. I can start and finish anything under 20,000 words. I write 1,000 – 6,000 words almost daily. Are there many newspaper writers who can claim that? Also I am a poet and I write some beautiful poetry. I find ways of expressing my feelings through my poetry. I am learning to express spiritual insights and truths the same way. But, like everything else, I remain mostly silent about this. Why?

I constantly talk about what I do not have. If I am not complaining I am stating what I perceive to be truth, and what may appear to be truth, but what I am certain is only apparent reality, just one way things can be. I am only stating one of those ways. For example, I talk about how I am single and want someone with whom I can share my life, maybe start a family. The focus is on the apparent reality of my being single. But the reality I experience could also be that I am married, or engaged, or dating, or divorced, or separated, or whatever. The dice have landed and display one combination of faces. But these dice are infinitely sided, so there are an infinite number of combinations that they could stop on, and any of these could be the reality I experience.

I realized that I have never stated publicly, as far as I can remember, any of the sides of the dice I am wishing for as I shake my hand and prepare to roll them. I know that is not the best analogy, but that’s what I have at the moment. The point is I need to change this. I need to not only claim the reality I want to experience, I need to state that as being my reality publicly. The other measures I have taken are not enough to change the way I believe and think. I must demonstrate my faith. Not only that, I must claim these aspects of myself that are desirable as much as I used to claim those which are undesirable. In fact, I must stop dwelling on what is not desired in the first place.

I was thinking about Donald Trump, for example. It is impossible for Donald Trump to believe, claim and feel himself to be poor. Poverty and lack are completely alien to him. These states never even enter his mind, or if they do, they leave as quickly as they came. He is only aware of being wealthy. Even if he looses his money due to a bad deal or debt, he will make it right back up again. Donald Trump’s perception of himself, his conception of himself, is that of a successful and wealthy businessman, soon to be a successful and wealthy president. I guarantee you that he already sees himself living in the white house, writing laws and changing policies he wants to change.

Furthermore I’ll bet that with him as president, America will be taken well on its way to complete freedom and independence from debt. This is how Trump has navigated his own life, and he will take those same navigational sills into the presidency. I am rooting for the guy, and its a toss-up whether I would vote for him or Bernie. Trump may be all the things everyone says he is. But unlike Obama, Trump knows money. To keep America out of another great depression, without causing the problems Obama did in his efforts to fix things, we need someone as intimate with money as Donald Trump, and that is why I would consider voting for him. The alternative is that America gets taken over by China and every other country we owe money to. I would prefer that America remain free and independent. I could care less about a candidate’s personal biases and opinions.

I have wandered off-topic… Realizing that Trump could no more see himself as poor than I could see myself as wealthy I think I finally came to understand what is needed, what is required, for the desired changes in my own life. Somehow I have to stop seeing myself as poor, soon-to-be homeless, suffering, alone, lonely, single, undesirable, unwanted, not fitting in, etc. Sure I could go back into the story of my life, my history, and prove that any of these undesirable states are true about me. But like Richard Bach has said (and I may not be saying this right), “The man who argues his limitations gets to keep them.”

Enough is enough! If I want to be successful and wealthy, somehow, I am not sure how, I must see myself as these things. I must claim these desired states for myself. Part of what I can do to that end is make a public declaration that I am successful and wealthy. Another part is feeling it, but I don’t know how I am supposed to feel something I have never felt, The best I could do is imagine how it must be to wake up as an immediate member of Donald Trump’s family. Probably a California King size bed and silk sheets, next to a beautiful woman, in some ornate room with a balcony overlooking the city. I guess I have to figure out what success and wealth mean for me, and imagine how that feels.

I don’t have all the pieces to this puzzle yet. But I am going to take action, starting now. I am going to make a list of declarations about myself, everything I desire to be, do or have. I will start that list immediately, and add to it until it is complete. These are the things that I am claiming for myself. Furthermore I am going to stop focusing on lack and limitation. I am going to stop downplaying whatever is desirable about me or my life. I am going to focus solely and solidly on what is desired and wanted.

I will not claim any of these things as something that I have at some point in the future. That just means I do not have them now. I am going to claim them as if I have them now, even if the apparent physical reality shows something different. This is not lying, this is conception. I am conceiving a different version of myself, and these statements I am making will allow me to give birth to that which I have conceived. It is time to stop living as I have. Let how I used to live remain only a memory, no dwelling on it! As of right now I am living this new conception of myself.

A link will appear below to this new page with my public declaration.