The Ego, The Present Moment and Some Unexpected Revelations!

More and more I think Eckhart Tolle is right. I think there is definitely something good, a worthy practice or pursuit, in staying in the present moment. As I continue to plow through ACIM and learn about the intricacies of the ego, I am coming to understand some things, some past experiences.

I first “met” or encountered or even experienced Tolle I think back when I was living in my grandma’s attic. Man I really miss those days! There I was, all this space to myself, places where I could go outside and do yoga or meditate, and I never really appreciated it! I guess the fact that my mother and my grandmother were constantly arguing, and I felt like I had to play referee may have contributed to my not seeing the blessings I had been given. Also I was far away from town and other people – no social opportunities. But I had a bed, my own relatively warm room (warmer than the RV anyway!) and plenty of space and time to do something with my life. If I had been intelligent at all I would have started to be serious about YouTube, back in 2009, BEFORE all their restrictions and censorship. Who knows? Maybe if I had I would now have my own huge channel and thousands of subscribers, enough that I could relocate anywhere I like.

In any case, some folks were going to repair our bathroom and remove mold, so my grandmother’s insurance company moved us all out into hotels until everything was finished. While I enjoyed my time at the Staybridge, I read Tolle, Basho and Ryokan. That’s when I started to write these shorter, Haiku-like poems. It just fit me, felt right. In immersing myself in Tolle’s teachings, I found myself in that space where poetry flows effortlessly through me. It is the exact same space I am in when I am in the natural flow of my life instead of struggling against the current. One way you, the readers, know that I am not in the present moment, not in the flow, is that there are no new poems being shared here. The few I have shared these last few months were written last year, or during some brief time when I was in a happier state. When I am angry, depressed or suffering from cabin fever, like now, the stream of poetry finds no access through me, and I can no longer be a channel for it. Or anything of a loving or spiritual nature. I am sure you can see that from the things I have written these last few months.

I think I understand a few things about this now… It occurs to me that a truly enlightened person is permanently focused on the present moment. They have to be, and this is important because, the ego does not have any influence or power in the present moment. I am certain this is true. Nobody who is fully aware, fully present, gets caught up in other people’s BS. This must be how I was able to stay at my brother’s the last time I was there, and when he blew up, I did not engage. I was able to just walk away. I am sure I wrote about this here some years ago. When you are fully aware, fully present, fully IN your present moment experience, you are happier, you are more inspired, you are more loving and you are more of a conduit for true spiritual energy, that might manifest through you in the form of writing, or art, or some other creative endeavor. In other words, if you are blocked creatively, it seems to me the most effortless fix would be to find a way to get into the present moment. Meditate, accept your feelings about your art as they are, embracing them, feeling through them, then releasing them and letting them go. If you can get into the present moment, and practice staying there even for a few days, my guess is that the ability to create will come flowing back.

From what I can understand of ACIM, the ego is past-focused, and it uses the past as a reference for the future. But it NEVER, EVER dwells in the present moment. Someone in the sway of their ego will find themselves easily caught up in the ego BS of others around them. They are easily influenced by the actions of others. They experience anger, discontent, frustration, unhappiness, stress and a host of other negative emotions. Why is that? Lost a train of thought here, but will type in in faith and knowing the words will come if important…

Why is it that someone being driven or influenced by their ego is unable to experience more joyful, spiritual states? Simple… Because there is this idea (I guess it comes from the ego) that the present moment experience should be something other than what it is. It is that simple. It really is. If you are angry it is because you are in denial of how things are. You want things to be different, you believe and really feel they should be different. But reality doesn’t bend to your will like that. Actually, as long as you are angry and struggling against reality, you will continue to create a reality that seems to be fighting against you, that seems to be in some struggle with you. It’s that rowing against the current state. Caught up in your ego, you never realize, it never occurs to you, that you can simply accept reality as it is, get back into the current, and determine to create a better experience for yourself.

You see YOU create the current of your life! How’s that for mind-blowing? All the energy you have focused and invested in whatever or wherever you have focused or invested it over the years you have been alive has created a stream, a natural state, in which your life flows. The only way to change that flow is to place all your energy and focus in the new direction you wish to go. And you start RIGHT NOW, in this moment. Then you practice placing your energy and focus in this new direction, every day, until the new current is established. Then you flow in that direction. The current CURRENT you’re are in is very powerful. Or at least it seems to be very powerful, and in your perception it is very strong. You have put YEARS of energy and focus into it. So don’t expect overnight miracles. They can happen – “Anything Is Possible, All Possibilities Exist” (the author), but it is more likely you will have to continue to ride them as you slowly shift things and change their direction.

What does this entail? ACCEPTING THINGS AS THEY ARE, IN THIS MOMENT! Yup, that is what you have to do. The ego has likely influenced the current flow of your life, and that is why your life sucks big, giant hairy goat balls right now! The ego does not have your best interests at heart, only its own. It doesn’t care about you at all. In fact it hates you. That is essentially what ACIM says, and for all I know it is true. The good news is that each moment brings a chance for you to change where you put your energy and focus, an opportunity to begin the most likely (but not necessarily) slow, tedious process of creating a better present moment experience for yourself. But you always, ALWAYS, have to accept the present moment experience as it is. You made it after all! It is YOUR creation!

Teal swan has several videos on anger, and I forget now what she said to do. Something about asking yourself what needs are not being met? In any case, if you are angry, I would perhaps follow her advice, because if nothing else that causes you to pause. It is a good interrupt. You need an interrupt so you can become aware and initiate any change. The next thing I advise is asking yourself, what is it you are denying? What is it you are attempting to deny the reality of in this moment? What is it you feel should not have happened, or should be different? What is the “should story” running in the background here? You need the interrupt to get a chance to become aware of that “should story.” Once you have become aware of it, THEN you have to accept it.

That first step, BTW, I think of as ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, AKA, “It is what it is.” That leads, naturally to acceptance, because it is how it is. It will not change by you being angry at it. Actually, your anger will ensure you keep reliving that same state, over and over again. You will keep having that undesirable and unwanted present moment experience. ALL RESISTANCE EMPOWERS (gives power to) WHATEVER YOU ARE RESISTING! I am sure I have said this before, and that is what I mean. Your denial, your “should story”, is a form of resistance, and you resistance provides the power that creates, drives and perpetuates the experience making you angry. So you have to ACCEPT it, because it is there, you can’t deny it away.

Next you have to feel your way through it. This is where Susan Jeffers, “Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway” comes in. You have to feel what you feel. You have to allow yourself to feel. You have to embrace these feelings, allow yourself to feel them as long as you need to feel them, then when you are ready, you have to release them and let them go. LETTING GO is another egoless state. LETTING GO is antithetical to the ego, just as acknowledgement and acceptance of things the way they are is. These things are directly opposite to the egoic state.

The ego wants to retain. It wants to be angry, it wants to hold grudges, it wants to hate, it wants to be bitter, it wants to be resentful. So it drives you, as long as you are under is influence, held in its sway, to be angry, bitter, hateful and resentful. If you think you are a religious or spiritual person, and yet you have any energy invested in, or focus invested on, any of these states, anything that is the opposite, at its root, to love, you are not truly religious or spiritual. Because a truly religious or spiritual state is one where the individual is influenced by love, not their ego, PERIOD. There are no exceptions!

Any investment in your identity as a religious or spiritual person – as Christian and part of the Christian group, or a Muslim and part of the Muslim group, or a Buddhist and part of the Buddhist group or even as a spiritual, not religious person (this is me) – this is a sure sign the ego is behind the wheel of your life. I am in the same boat as the rest of you in this. Anything we would make as part of identity, and invest all our energy and focus into who we believe, feel or think we are (BLM, LGBTQ – I am looking at you!) is sheer ego. And as long as our egos are in control, there will be war, there will be disease, death and destruction, because our egos hate us, and want to destroy us. It seems odd and counter-intuitive, because once we are dead, our ego is also dead. But our egos are insane. You can not apply logic to insanity. You can not apply reason to the unreasonable.

Your beliefs, religious, spiritual, scientific or anything else, your racial identity, your gender, your sexual preferences – all of this BS does not go with you when you die. Understand that. It all dies with your physical body and your ego. Who you really are is none of that shit. To get more in tune with who you really are, hold your beliefs loosely, let them go when they no longer serve you, and practice being in the present moment. Accept things as they are, and if you want a better present moment experience, invest the energy, effort and focus in the direction you wish to go. But always say in the flow, in a state of acknowledgement, acceptance, allowing then releasing and letting go. If you want to be happy, if you want to be effortlessly creative, that is the state you need to be in, If you want to experience true joy, that is the state you have to be in, and I suspect, that if you want to manifest desirable, wonderful things in your life, that is the state you have to be in. You have to let all the other BS go.

Somehow, someway, I am determined to change the current course of my life to one of abundance and joy. I will get out from under the influence of the ego and get into the present moment, with full awareness. And I will practice staying there, until it becomes the natural current of my life. And I will know I am in that state when all my creative endeavors flow effortlessly through me, just as they did when I dipped my toe into the waters of this experience all those years ago. I keep forgetting all the things I have learned. All the lessons I went through. It is not easy to create such a drastic change in one’s nature, ones state or natural way of being. Or at least it seems as if there is a lot that gets in between me and the intention to change. Thankfully this is a journey we can take together, we can support each other and help each other. Actually I have created a place for that here:

I think change seems difficult, seems hard, because so much energy and focus has created a current state that seems to resist change. The current is very strong, if it has been created while under the influence of our ego. We have invested a lot of energy and focus into our current life experience. But ACIM may be right, this may all be an illusion, “albeit a very strong, persistent one.” (Albert Einstein) The ego is just an illusion. It is not real. It’s like we put the VR glasses on, and now are struggling to take them off. But they can easily come off, allowing us to see things as they really are. We just have to raise up are arms and take them off. It seems harder than it really is. Maybe there is no current dragging us along at all, maybe the currents are just our beliefs, and when we let them go, we come to see that we are not being carried or driven anywhere. We can just start walking in whatever direction we choose. Maybe that’s how things really are. I don’t know, but I will apply and remember what I have learned, and shared with you here.

Here’s to making our experience of this world exactly what we want it to be!

More Cracks In Heaven

I was actually going to do a video on this, but the urge to wrte came on me, so here I am.

When I was a Christian, just before I renounced my faith, two things became apparent. Now, with the distance of some years since I renounced it, I can add a little more detail:
1. In order for a place of absolute perfection to exist, such as Heaven, there has to be its opposite, a place of absolute imperfection, AKA hell. Anyone that doesn’t “fit” with Heaven (is of other faiths or no faith) goes there. Heaven is only for the “chosen” – Christians.
2. If Heaven is such an ideal, perfect place – without sin – how did Lucifer and 1/3 of the angels sin and get cast to earth? If there is no sin in Heaven, where did this sin come from?

When the Christian belief system is put under scrutiny, when it is questioned, it falls apart. Yet such is the nature of a belief that most Christians make a part of their identity, they would literally die for what they believe. As it has become a part of their identity, any attack on their faith is, to a Christian, an attack on them, either personally, collectively or both.

I decided two things:
1. I wanted no part of a God who could cast others, who in every other way epitomized Christian values, except they were not a Christian (like Thich Nhat Hanh, who may just be one of our closest living saints) into hell.
2. I wanted no part of en eternity that is dead, stale and stagnant. In perfection there is no room for change, development, discovery, expansion, exploration, new experiences or surprises. It is all perfect sameness, all the time, forever. Sounds fucking boring to me!

So I renounced my faith, going through hell right here in earth trying to get past the fear of burning alive for all eternity, and now having to deal with knowing my parents are unhappy with my decision, worried about me. What a tar pit the Christian religion is! It uses fear to control its people, it disempowers believers by instructing them that they can only have things if it is God’s will, and they pass this disease, this infection, onto their children. Right along with other disempowering and limiting beliefs around money and “the things of this world”, meaning that many Christians will never be abundant,successful or wealthy.

I see it all so clearly now, standing outside here, looking in. But for those inside, this clarity is not accessible. The only way to see the truth is to get outside the bubble, and the only way to get outside the bubble is to stop being part of the collective inside it. In the case of Christianity, you have to renounce your faith. You have to stop being a Christian. Otherwise you will read something like this, and you will not understand it. Or you will get angry and wish to respond with an attack or a defense, both coming from feeling like you have been attacked. But I have not attacked you, and even if I did, it would have no effect on you. You will always be in your bubble, until you choose to leave it. Nobody can make you leave it. Nobody can attack the bubble and destroy it. The bubble remains, forever, until nobody believes in it anymore, and all have exited it. Nothing anyone can do can or ever will threaten it. Also, if anyone goes out to try to attack Christians or Christianity, they will quickly find that all attack only makes those they attack stronger, because in attack there is resistance, and resistance always makes that which is resisted stronger.

No, it is not my desire, prerogative or place to attack Christians or Christianity. I say what I say because of all I went through, both inside the bubble and out. Those experiences I have claimed as part of my identity. I went through a belief systems crash, a couple dark nights of the soul and a bunch of other shit. That’s the only reason I can sit here and type this. But I think about some things that sadden me. Years ago I knew a family of girls. The mother and father separated, the father leaving not long after I left. It was like they were stuck back at the turn of the century. All Christian music, typically children’s. They made their own dresses. The mother enforced those Christian values. They were obviously not well off.

I was really attracted to one of the girls, and sometimes fantasize about going back there, seeing if she is still around and unmarried, and sweeping her away from the situation she is in. Just a pipe dream. I have no idea if they are still there, or if they have moved. I have no idea if she is still alive. and they way her mom and the mother and father of my best friends when I was a Christian were doing things, she probably got dumped into an arranged marriage. Last I heard some loggers had shown interest. But she was originally arranged to be married to the younger of the two boys who were my best friends. Still, I think about this, and it just makes me sad. How many of the young women I had met when I went to CYIA, or a Bill Gothard training, or to church, are married off to someone they did not choose, stuck in a belief system handed down to them like their mother’s wedding dress, and seen as just as important. If I have learned nothing else, I have learned I will encourage free thinking, loosely held beliefs and a questioning attitude in my own children, should I ever be allowed to have any.

As part of the “spiritual, not religious” group (not a bubble, because you an freely come and go) you eventually learn about ACIM. A Course In Miracles. This is a channeled text, and supposedly, it is Jesus who is speaking through the channel. I treasure channeled texts! As a Christian, sure we could read about how the Holy Spirit came on someone and they started writing. No problem! But if anyone in the Christian bubble stated they had channeled Peter, or Paul, or Jesus and write a text, they would probably be murdered and their book would never see the light of day! For a people who are supposed to be loving, Christians are the most fearful and hateful people on the planet, second only maybe to fundamentalist radical Muslims. Catholics used to be the biggest assholes in this regard, but thankfully the burning witches and inquisition period has faded away.

Anyhow, it seems as if may of the writers I read and study, who are leading abundant, successful lives, have read ACIM. It somehow contributed to their finding abundance and success. And as I enjoy The Book of Emmanuel, the writings of Abraham, the writings and Seth and Ramtha, of course I had to read this. It is a VERY difficult text, let me warn you now! Really dense, even more so than Seth, and hard to understand. If you are anything like me things occasionally just slip away and can’t be grasped very well. But I have persisted, reading a section every day since last year. Unfortunately, I am finding myself more and more ready to put it down and never open it again. Because I have found another definition of Heaven I can’t stomach.

In ACIM Heaven is, essentially, God. God is everything, there is nothing else. Just that light, love and isness that is God. So there is no choice, no groups, no other place to go to. You have no choice but to, I guess the best way to put it is, merge with God upon physical death. Because that is your natural state. The issue I am having is that the text is now calling everything on earth “little”, and any desire for anything on earth “littleness.” Really? These trees I like to look at, meaningless? The stars, of no value? What about the astral planes and places like the Akashic records? As far as I can tell there is nothing in Heaven/God. It is just a changeless, timeless void. By void I mean empty, because Heaven/God is all that exists in that space, just as a vacuum is all that exists in a void, there is nothing else. Why in the hell would I want that?

Also, like the Christian’s Heaven, a few cracks have appeared:
1. If God is all there is and all I really want, as ACIM says, then why did I come to earth in the first place? If I had no choice but to be there, how did I get here?
2. If all we want is to be floating around in a changeless void of light and love for all eternity, how come physical existence exists? Why would we create anything else if we had all we wanted?
3. If the ACIM God is perfect, all there is, then why couldn’t He have created a better system of being on the earth, outside of the ego, which seems to be the system whereby we can be on the earth and have a physical experience? It is obvious that a better system than the ego is needed, so why doesn’t it exist? Couldn’t we have created a way to enjoy a physical experience and yet still retain our awareness of who we really are?

At least the ACIM model includes everyone! It’s like an endless Borg Cube, swallowing us all up in one giant collective for all eternity! Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? If you happen to have studied ACIM, maybe you can comment below and shed some light on this. Maybe I am not understanding things very well. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am missing things – as I said ACIM is very hard to read and grasp at times.

Do you know what I want for my afterlife? Simple. If you haven’t already, go and read the books by Robert Monroe – Journeys Out of Body and the others. He just details, as scientifically as possible, the things he experienced while out of his body. The things he speaks of, what he claims to have seen in the astral planes – that intrigues me. My ideal eternity is to explore it all. All the astral planes, all the physical realm without the need for a physical body. To visit places like the Akashic Records. And I would like to take my physical body with me when it is time for me to go. Just pack it up and bring it along – ascend. That way I can unpack it whenever I want. Apparently Ramtha has done this, and some Ascended Masters. Has any guru in India managed that I wonder? If you discard your flesh when you leave, as I understand it, you have to wait in line to come into physical existence and get another body. So it is best to take your flesh with you. In any case, that is what I want.

I like how Abraham says we came here for “joyous expansion.” In the Abraham teachings, we come into physical existence for certain desired experiences, and we put all the pieces into place before we come into this world. I like that. That makes sense. And Eckhart Tolle tells us to stay in the present moment. I know that when I was in my highest vibration (which, coincidentally, is when I write the most poetry) it was while reading his books and practicing that. So that makes sense too. That pretty much covers the physical aspect of life. But the after is still a big question mark.

I guess all I can do is continue to hold any beliefs I retain loosely, and to, as much as possible, not identify with them. Just not make them a part of my identity, the story of my life, who I am. Then move towards those concepts and ideas that empower me and make me feel good. Leave behind anything that disempowers me or makes me feel bad. Run fast and far away from anything that uses fear, but stand firm and face any fears I have to deal with. Allow myself to feel all I am feeling, and to release any feelings I am ready to let go. Seek those things that being me joy, follow the natural flow of my life and aim for abundance of all good things. Enjoy this world, see it as the gift I am sure it is. Enjoy every moment, while staying in it, and stop focusing in the past, which is dead and gone, living only in my memory, or the future, which is only exists in my imagination. Focus on what I want to have, look to the future only for that. Maybe this is not the best way to be. Maybe changes will need to be made. But I am willing to adapt, change, develop and grow, so I will. I love having new experiences, and I will just count any lessons I have to learn as a new experience, and remain enamored with the learning process.

I just wish that there was some way to know the real truth about what is waiting in the after. My current belief is that it will be whatever you believe it to be. So if that is true, for me it will be a place of absolute adventure and freedom. I can’t imagine anything better than that! What is the after for you?

… and I watch as the country goes to hell…

This post is NOT going to be very spiritual! It isn’t going to be very clean either. And it is DEFINITELY going to rub some people’s political affinities the wrong way. I am NOT being a spiritual teacher in this moment. I am being a 45 year old man, living in America, watching as the constitution is stomped on, watching as my president is wrongfully impeached, watching people running for an untested, unproved vaccine. I am responding to these things from a very low vibration, low frequency, non-spiritual perspective. I am angry. I am tired. And I wish I could do something substantial to change all this shit going on around me.

Normally I would relegate a post like this to my other, darker site. But as I may not be allowed to express myself at YouTube without being banned, I will do so here. I want to get these words before the eyes of other people. I want people to pay attention, to hear me, and to WAKE THE FUCKING HELL UP! The powers that be, the companies and corporations in charge of social media outlets, want to silence me, or more accurately, those like me who have an opinion that is separate from theirs. People who do not want to toe their line, People who refuse to believe what they want us to believe.

I guess in that sense this IS a spiritual post, because in order to walk your own spiritual path, in order to experience whatever or whoever God is for yourself, you will have to go against the flow of religion and in some cases, your family and the society in which you live If you haven’t gotten strong enough to stand on your own against the current by now, then you need to start developing those muscles, or you will be swept downstream in the tide of bullshit your religions, your politicians and your society has been feeding you since you took your first faltering steps.

OK, to sum up… I have not verified anything yet, but it seems that congress has voted to impeach President Trump not once, but twice. I feel this is vindictive and done without grounds. By that I mean any evidence they had to impeach President Trump would not be strong enough to stand up in a murder investigation, for example. They say he instigated the “attack” on congress. I have seen no definitive proof that this is the case. But I suspect that others WERE behind this, trying to kick the president out and destroy any work he has done. Also I find it interesting that nobody is mentioning the BLM protesters that were also on the scene. The local paper here called this group that “attacked” congress a “Trump mob.” This is an attempt to associate Trump with the protesters, when in reality Trump and the protesters are not connected. What I mean by this is that Trump was not in contact with any of them, did not direct or order any of them. Presumably some of them supported him, but they all acted on their own initiative, or on the initiative of an unknown third party.

This headline also dehumanizes the people involved. They were PEOPLE, not a MOB! WHENEVER you see this attempt at dehumanization, you are looking at an effort to make it easier to attack some group. The Nazis dehumanized the Jews, the genocides in Africa happened after the groups being slaughtered were dehumanized by their attackers. The media has been constantly undermining President Trump, even before he took office. There IS a plot against the president, Biden was NOT voted for by as many people as they say, and this attack on Congress was their coup de grace. Biden is not the legitimate president, and in the years to come the evidence for this will come to light, ideally, for those holding the reigns, too late for us to do anything about it. I predict, in the months to come, your media will only have glowing things to say about Biden, no matter what he is really doing while in office. I can almost guarantee this, put money on it. It is also a safe bet that he will die or become physically unable to perform his duties, so Kabala or whatever the hell her name is can take over.

The OTHER issue as hand here is the complete DISREGARD for the American constitution by companies and corporations – PRIVATE AGENCIES – as I believe the legal terminology is. The gist of it is this… Within the real or virtual walls of a private company they can dictate what people are allowed to say. According to Charmx, and I have yet to verify this, YouTube is currently banning anyone who talks about the election. Now I do not know who the idiotic, stupid, ignorant asshole was that made this possible, but we have to change this. We have to establish the Constitution as INVIOLATE, within the borders of America, PERIOD. Also, if you have America employees or users, you have to abide by the American Constitution. A precedent must be set that any company, real or virtual, based in the borders of America or comprising of any Americans, MUST abide by the Constitution, no exceptions. The Constitution must be sacrosanct! Of course, in doing this we also have to establish that a private organization, like a social media platform, can not be held accountable or liable for the things its users say. Only those things said by the representatives or employees of said platform.

The reason for the necessity of this should be obvious. If all a people have access to in America was specifically established to allow the people a place to freely develop and share their own opinions, about those in charge, about religion, about anything and everything. That is what everyone has bled and died for in World War 1 and 2, Vietnam, Korea and the Middle East. Because in all these places, some group in power sought to subjugate its citizenry, and we, the Americans, the Allied Forces, sought to free them. What good is establishing freedom for others when we have no freedom ourselves? What did our ancestors bleed and die for if a private agency can dictate what people may say within their real or virtual walls?

Over the next few months I will create t-shirts, look for petitions I will link here and do whatever else I can do to repeal the decision to impeach Donald Trump. I will do whatever I can to open an investigation into the real instigators of the “attack” on congress, and I will do whatever I can to repeal any protection given to private agencies to essentially disregard and disrespect our American Constitution. BTW… Why were these people considered trespassers in Congress? Don’t we, the American people,. own these buildings? Didn’t we pat for them with our taxes? So how could we trespass on buildings we own? Think about that for a second.

Too many people are using the fear generated by the pandemic to pass shitty laws and pursue their agendas, against the interests of the American people. We have to put a stop this this. We have to stand up, and if we need to fight, then we have to fight. If this has to lead to civil war, so be it. I would rather resolve our issues peacefully. It is ridiculous to assume that using war you can buy peace. It will only engender more violence. So I do not call for violence or war. I would rather pursue things non-violently, through well organized protests, the collecting of information being hidden from us and made public through any legal means available or hacking as a last resort, and petitions to our local leaders. I only want to take up arms if all other avenues to cleaning up this mess are blocked.

For now you can help me by simply buying and publicly wearing, this t-shirt. More designs are coming:

Forgiveness Is A Trap

Caught your attention with that headline, didn’t I? Before I explain myself, let me quote directly from, “Spirit Hacking” by Shaman Durek:

“Fuck Forgiveness

It’s scary to rebel against your family programming, and to defy your parents, and to stand alone in your truth. Being the black sheep in my family exacerbated what was already there—a lot of conflict, and a lot of violence, and a lot of abuse. I loved my father, and I loved my stepmother, and I loved my grandparents, but I don’t forgive them. I don’t forgive my father for the horrible things he did, and I don’t forgive my stepmom for the horrible things she did, and I don’t forgive my grandparents for the horrible things they did. I accept what they did. I accept that they did those horrible things to me. And that acceptance is what allows me—and all of us—to be free.

Forgiveness implies that what my family did to me was wrong, or bad, which blocks me from acknowledging that they had their own lessons to learn from those experiences, and blocks all of us from being able to grow from the experiences we shared.

I had a client who was raised by a very abusive, alcoholic mother tell me that she forgave her mother for all the awful things she did to her.
“No, you didn’t,” I said.

At which point, my client doubled down on her nonsense and insisted that yes, she did forgive her mother, because she went through this whole forgiveness process, and wrote down all her resentments, and burned them during a full moon ritual on the solstice.

And I said, “Honey, you didn’t forgive your mother, and you don’t forgive your mother. And the more you keep telling this story that you do, the longer you’re keeping you and your mother in limbo, and dragging out the suffering for both of you. That fact that you’re announcing that you forgave your mother just means you haven’t let it go.”

My client thought about it for a minute, then burst into tears.
“You’re right,” she said. “I can’t let it go.”

People hurt each other, and people do terrible things. That’s how life goes. But this idea that forgiveness is the magical key to our healing is bullshit. Forgiveness binds us, and forgiveness limits us, and forgiveness holds us back. Forgiveness is the worst. The moment we invoke the energy of forgiveness, we activate duality, and we activate hierarchy. Forgiveness is a blame construct that implies that someone is right, and that someone else is wrong, which instantly creates separation, and instantly ensnares both people in a quantum entanglement that traps them in the energy field of the initial conflict. Forgiveness is purgatory, and forgiveness warps a lot of shit in a lot of ways.

So what if my client went through the motions of forgiveness? Why would she forgive her mom for what she did, anyway? Forgiveness is a mental trap that keeps us stuck in energetic limbo. It’s pointless. But if my client could accept what her mother did, then they would both be free. Acceptance sets us free while allowing us to stay engaged, because when we accept, we are relating in the realms of truth. We are not denying, and we are not pretending, and we are not guilting, and we are not blaming, and we are not victimizing, and we are not judging. We are simply acknowledging. This happened. This is an energy or an experience that we shared, and that had an impact on everyone involved, and what they choose to do with those energies and those lessons moving forward is up to them.

It’s way more honest and effective than telling someone: “I forgive you.” No, thank you. I’d really rather you didn’t. Forgiveness is purgatory. Forgiveness is a Chinese finger trap.” – Shaman Durek

Now if you were raised anything like me, when you first read that it probably knocked the wind out of your sails. You had to take a step back. And that is if you, like me, are open to new perspectives, new ways of looking at things and seeing things. If you are closed off you are either not reading these words or you made it a few sentences in and then stormed off, angry, ready to hit something. I mean, the only way to let go of something is to forgive, right? Haven’t I always said that bitterness, holding onto to something painful, is like holding onto to broken glass? The tighter you grip, the more you bleed.

It took me a moment to realize that Shaman Durek is still championing letting go. Just not letting go through forgiveness, and as I thought about it, started to ask questions, I think I understood it a little better. You see if I have to forgive you for something you did to me, what is my stance? Well I am a victim of something done to me. In one move I disempower myself by making myself a victim and I turn you into the victimizer, the one who is bad or has done wrong, and that disempowers you. Do you see it now?

All my life as a Christian I was raised I had to forgive, to turn the other cheek and all that other nonsense. I am pretty sure much of it is taken out of context or not translated correctly, or maybe added into the Bible when they decided how they would put it together years ago, or maybe not even understood correctly. I don’t know. But I thought I had to forgive to let go, and recently I have been wondering, that if this was the way to let go of something, who do I keep bringing it up and thinking about it? Why does the process of forgiveness feel so unnatural and wrong? Remember, I am an empath, so I am sensitive to things, and I can tell you, something has seemed off about this forgiveness thing. Not enough for me to identify, but now, reading this and some thing in ACIM, the light of my awareness is shining on things I had not been consciously aware of before. Speaking of ACIM (A Course In Miracles):

“When you feel guilty, remember that the ego has indeed violated the laws of God, but you have not. Leave the “sins” of the ego to me. That is what the Atonement [the undoing] is for. But until you change your mind about those whom your ego has hurt, the Atonement cannot release you. When you feel guilty your ego is in command, because only the ego can experience guilt. This need not be.” ACIM Chapter 4, Part IV, This Need Not Be

Now I added the bold emphasis, and [the undoing] in brackets. Credit goes to an article I read someone that advised thinking of this Atonement concept in that way. But look closely at that. If guilt is an ego thing, then it follows shame would be, as would any opposite states.

So what is the best process for letting go? Acceptance, which I have said here many times before, and engagement, which I have never referred specifically to. But in the context of feelings, engagement could be thought of as the process of allowing yourself to feel what you feel, instead of disengagement, which would be running away from your feelings, not allowing yourself to feel them. So it seems that engagement with what is is the appropriate, best response to ANY situation. THEN, after you have felt what you needed to feel, when you are ready, you release and let go of those feelings. Or, in the case of someone having done something to you, you let it go, after you have accepted and acknowledged it, after you have engaged with it, when you are truly ready to release what happened and let it go.

My guess is that if this is done correctly, the incident will never come up in your mind again, even if you see the person. But this would have to be tested, and Shaman Durek, as of yet, has not said. He has not described what the terrain looks like once you have really, truly engaged with a thing and let it go.

Understand that suddenly going against familial constraints and deciding you will no longer practice the finger-trap of forgiveness may be difficult. Shaman Durek refers to Fractal Lines, and spirits of beliefs held within a family. You will have to read this book for more. The main thing is you have to stand firm in your commitment, because if you want to be free of things you perceive as having been done to you, that freedom comes for you and any perceived offenders. That is what letting go means. You aren’t holding anything against anyone. That is the only way. But in that freedom you will be acting from your place of power. Holding on, as I have said before, gives any perceived offender power over you, it removes you from your place of power, and it causes you to relive the incident over and over again.

You get to choose… Do you want to be free? Or do you want to remain trapped?

Getting Back Into The Habit… Some Musings On Writing Horror

Talk about multitasking! Playing two games and trying to write this at the same time. I guess everyone left… Haven’t seen any activity at all since I announced I had quit writing. A bit of an update on that… This has since changed to, “I quit pushing myself to write.” I felt so pressured to write stuff, establish a daily habit, all the things every writing book tells you to do, and that isn’t gonna work for me at this time. So while I am not fully back, announcing that I am writing again, I am back, writing again, if that makes any sense at all.

I used to write short horror stories. Yes, the guy who runs the spiritual blog. Maybe for some of you this is not a surprise. I mean things could get rather dark here, right? I used to be a Christian, I used to write poetry with a religious focus, and at some point I started writing short stories, mostly short horror stories. I have nobody standing behind me, supporting me as I say this, but I think I was pretty good. Am pretty good. I think I still have some short horror stories in me, and this is the time of year to delve into those dark waters again.

As a writer of fiction I appear to be what they call a “pantser.” I write by the seat of my pants. In writing short horror fiction, I start with an idea. This is called the “what if” by some writing texts. I just start writing, don’t even think about character names or anything, just make snap decisions as I proceed. The important part is to get the gist of the story down, then establish my character’s names and make sure everything is consistent. This works well for writing something around the 10,000 – 20,000 work mark. But after that, you need structure. You need bones to hang the flesh of your story on.

I think the scariest stories are the one where things are left unexplained. Most movies try to explain why a house is haunted. Why this is happening or that is happening. They try to show this in some way. One of the best horror movies of all time, in my mind, is Grave Encounters. Even What Keeps You Alive, by some of the same people. Because these movies leave you in the unknown, and that is the scariest place for a story to leave you. You find yourself in the dark, in a huge room, with things slithering around you, brushing against your leg, and you have no idea what the hell they are, where the hell you are, or how or why you got there.

I think the second pillar, as it were, holding up the structure of truly terrifying horror stories is logic. While the monster or its motivations remains unclear, unexplained, there is a logic in there, mostly that this could happen. To help make this clearer, if anyone here has read “Dark Carnival” from Joe Hill’s, “Full Throttle”, there is no logic there. No way what he writes could ever happen. It is in a word, fantastical.

But in many of the Dean Koontz Odd Thomas books, you can see how some of these things could happen. In a book John Saul wrote some years ago, the wind, which is a constant in a certain area, drives people mad. If you can see clearly how it could happen, if it makes some twisted, logical sense that it did happen, yet at the same time there is an element that remains unexplained, unclear, unfathomable – if you don’t know how it happened or why it continues to happen – well then you are in one of the scariest stories, in my opinion.

I have created an account at, and I think I shall get back into writing short horror stories. I think I will also share many of the stories I have written there. I will begin to post links to these here. I may not stick with Medium, it depends on if I have an audience or not. If I am telling scary stories around the campfire, and all that is around me is darkness and the distant hoots of owls, well that is no fun, is it? A writer must be surrounded by shivering, trembling people of all ages, all shapes and sizes, all mentalities, religions and spiritual bents, completely transfixed by the stories he tells. Otherwise, what is the point? To be a story, it must be told, and to be told, it has to be heard by others.

Here is a non-horror story I recently uploaded to Medium:

Do this storyteller a favor and tell me what you think. It is cold out here, in the dark, illuminated only by the glow of a dying fire, and I swear I can hear something moving out there, in the trees.

Join the discussion here:

10-3-2020 – …and Suddenly, I Have Something To Write!

A combination of things has come together and given a spark to the dying and dead embers that is my writing. It has created in me a desire to write, and so, for now, I am writing.

I am not officially back or anything like that. I am taking this thing as it comes. Except for this spark, my heart is not in this. But the one thing writing gives me is a place to express myself, far more eloquently than I ever could otherwise.

First thing on my mind, coming away from just having watched the final episode of The Masked Singer Episode 1, having heard T-Pain’s rendition of Sam Smith’s, “Stay With Me”, is that I really want to sing again.

For a while there I was paying for lessons from an excellent local teacher. But she wanted to train me classically, and I did try to swim in those waters. I found a way to work with Josh Groban’s songs, a fellow Tenor. But there was no help for what I want to sing.

I grew up in the 80’s, listening to what was called Soft Rock back then. You play a song that was on the radio from 1985 and I will accurately identify it 90% of the time. I remember one song I heard a few years back, I think from Nickelback, talking about how they sang driving into the steering wheel. I empathized with that. I have done that. But I never got out of the car, literally AND metaphorically.

Then what my former friend Josh was around it was like being a musician, being a singer, was HIS dream. I was supporting that, and my whole heart was in that. Even now that the person I knew of as Josh is no more, and has become someone else, I am still here, rooting for him/her/it. Just while they were with me, it was like there was no room for another singer. Somehow, not sure how that happened. I just stepped back I guess.

How many times have I just stepped back, instead of up to the plate? How many times have I never even tried to hit the ball? How many times have I tried and failed? And have I ever scored a home run? I never thought of myself as being controlled or influenced or ruled by fear. But I guess I have been denying that reality all these years.

All I know, sitting here, writing this, is I want to sing again. Not sure how or where. No money for lessons, no opportunities I am aware of. I can just do my own thing, but I know myself, and with all these other balls I am juggling, I will drop the ball. I guess I do not want it enough. I have to want it as much as T-Pain wanted to become a singer, taking I guess a detour along the rap industry route, but when you hear his voice in Season 1 of the Masked Singer, it is obvious he can be, and is, so much more. He deserved to win, and I wish I had a fraction of his drive and determination.

The truth is I don’t deserve to fulfill any of my dreams if I am unable or unwilling to fight, to put myself out there, to work for them. Not sure how that works with the spiritual ideals like acceptance, allowing and flow. But somehow, in some way, I have to get myself out of the white man’s version of the ghetto, and into a better life.

Anotehr thing on my mind is Ken Robinson’s, “The Element.” Reading about those four things as he lists them, as requirements for something to be your Element, I see that writing is not my element, because I lack passion for it. This actually freed me up. This and calling it quits with writing alltogether. It’s amazing how many things comes to you to write, how much you want to write, when you truly have thrown in the towel.

I see now that I have been putting WAY, way too much pressure on myself. But in reading that book I eased some of it off, and that has freed me. I can now approach writing on my own terms, write or not, and not commit to a damn thing. This is what I am going to do from here on out. Probably gonna toss everything out I have written to this point and start over.

On thing bothering me though is I can not find any archives of my first blog, “Romance Beyond Reality.” For some reason I wanted to revisit it. I have revisited, briefly, “A Different Path”, the precursor to this blog. Anyhow I can’t find that or any of my Brittany materials. I hope I did not delete them. Don’t know why I am looking for them. Is there something there I need to remember?

So… Yeah… I guess that’s it for now. Not as strongly as I want to sing, I do have the desire to write and publish something. Write something good worthy of being published and read by (hopefully) millions. I want to see it through, just as I want to see singing through, and piano playing, come to think of it. And I want to loose weight, maybe take up dancing. And I want to do yoga and Tai Chi or Qi Gong.

But the weather is turning, the leaves are falling, and all income streams have dried up. Even my laptop is wigging out a little, had a display driver crash the other day. Without money, I can’t replace my equipment, and without equipment, I can’t write. I know some writers use notebooks and legal pads. But my handwriting does not lend itself to deciphering by even me sometimes. So here’s to hoping that opportunity comes knocking, and I open the door.

9-19-2020 – After The Storm

So the windstorm lasted about 3 days, and it took down part of a standing dead tree not far from where the RV I sleep in is parked. Also not far from the horse trough and power lines overhead. It scattered limbs all over the place, and we are still cleaning everything up.

After that the fires in the east and across the river left a smokey, thick air that literally hung around for a week. It made my nostrils burn, made it hard to think or do anything, much less breathe, and I am sad to report I go almost nothing done. In fact fell into a fairly bad mindset, and didn’t even try to meet online with the two writer’s groups I have tentatively joined.

But yesterday I saw the sun, the full sun, not some dull pink disc hanging in the sky! It really did life my spirits, that and the fact I could see the distant hills again, as the smog or fog or rain clouds or whatever combination had receded. Whatever is there is still there, but the air is fresh and clear, and the bad stuff seems to have been pushed out to the distant hills, or washed away.

Just the other night we had such a downpour of rain! A real cloudburst, but it lasted for a few hours before dropping off to a normal rain. The water in my horse trough became a sort of green stew with leaves and pieces of moss floating around inside. I dunked my face in it before I knew that. Now the ground is wet and the birds are singing again. I swear I hardly heard anything other than dogs barking these last few days. No owls hooting at night or birds singing at the close of the day, as I hear now. I always wonder what they are saying to each other. Something like good night, hide well so the predators don’t get you?

Also the other day I suffered from a very bad headache. I am sure it is stress, from all that has happened with the conditions outside recently, to concerns and strains with my life, to the stupid game I insist on playing. I had to come to a place where I decided I would not let the game get to me, and if it started to, I would stop playing. To just let go of the goals I wanted to accomplish but, currently, are unable to. There is great freedom in embracing your current, perceived limitations. Just acknowledging that this is where you are, and to stop struggling so damn much!

We fight so hard to control things, to make things bend to our will. We make it harder than it ever has to be. We espouse hard work as some kind of virtue. We really are like Sisyphus, pushing that damn rock up the hill, over and over again, and for what? Why not just let it go? What is the point in fighting if you are certain you will not win? By all means, work hard at the things that matter to you. But only on the things that matter to you, that you really care about. And learn to walk a balance between pushing ahead and easing off. If you drove your car like you drive your life you will get into a wreck before you know it! The brake pedal is there for a reason.

Just as in driving there is pushing ahead, slowing down, stopping, there are times in life when pushing is necessary, there are times in life to let go, and there are times in life to simply hit the brakes and let things be as they are. How are you driving your life? Pedal to the metal, full steam ahead? Straight into whatever immutable obstacle awaits you, right into the waiting arms of cancer and disease. You are literally pushing yourself to death!

Life does not have to be so hard. I need to hear this as much as I need to say it. There is a flow, and sometimes you drift with it, and sometimes you grab the oars and row. You always get to choose where to point your vessel. But you only get to choose where to point it. You are not in control of the flow, you have no say in the direction or strength of the current. But you can choose what course to take, and what direction you will go.

These next few days will bring some changes, some things I am going to try and work through. I will come back here with anything I learn.

What Is Working In My Writing?

Sage Cohen, in her book, “Fierce on the Page“, talks about focusing on what is working, instead of what is not (chapter 13). As I took a look at myself, all I could think about is what is not working, what I am not doing. Obviously I am focused on what is not working if these are my thoughts. Especially since I am struggling to pinpoint what is working in my writing life.

So, in my writing, what is working? I thought I would sit down and work this out in a blog post, as my last blog post kinda sucked (again, focused on what is not working.) You can do this with me. What is working in your creative life, in whatever way you express yourself creatively?

For me, one of the things I love about when I am writing is when I sit down and sort of fall into a flow state, AKA “The Zone.” When I just get lost in a story I am telling, and it’s like I am experiencing the story at the same time I am writing it. Which, going back to what is not working, why it hurts me so much, why it sucks so much, when I loose the thread and can no longer “pick up” the story. I hate that!

Something else that works for me in my writing is how some things I am working on seem to resonate with me. I have a bunch of shortcuts on my desk to various documents that I felt strongly connected to at the time I created them. I will likely write in one of these. It is so satisfying when you open up a document, and can “pick up the thread” as it were. When this happens I absolutely love it!

Another thing that was working for me in my writing and might work again, is my chosen established writing time. It wasn’t a huge victory, but enough of one that I noticed, when I managed to establish a writing habit. I accepted that I am a writer, made it clear to the others that live here when I am writing and identified myself to them as a writer, then wrote at that time. When I was doing this, it was nice to have that small victory in my writing process. It is also easier to fall back into it now that I have been away from it a while.

I love the high energy, high frequency, high vibration, positive state I am in when poetry comes. Those days when multiple poems would come at once. Nothing phased me, I was in love with the world, engaged with it and all I was experiencing around me, whether it was scenery I was watching or a breeze playing over my skin or the sounds of water flowing, or children playing. If I knew how to live in that state forever, I would. But when I find myself in this state, especially after long absences away, I just enjoy it, relish it and the poetry writing flows effortlessly.

I loved the stories I was able to complete. The short horror stories and, to my eyes, the satisfying endings. I loved creating those endings, and most if not all of the time I never had it planned out in my head. I had this idea for a story. I created a character, plunked them into the story and built it around them based on the idea. Then I watched things develop through their eyes, from the beginning to the end. I went through everything they went through. I lived the story with them. I got scared when they got scared. Then I would wrap everything up, and it hardly ever felt wrong. It felt right. It felt complete. I would like to return to writing short stories like that, and I would LOVE to be able to write longer tales the same way!

I love how certain things I read can have such an impact on me, even to the point of affecting my writing. I once started a story that was completely in rhyme, inspired by the Tolkien books. Managed to get through the first chapter or introduction, then lost it. But I would like to figure out how to access that way of writing, and do an entire short story, or even a novel, completely in rhyme, I am sure I could do it, if I could just figure out how to fall into a state conducive for that writing to happen.

I loved the beauty of that piece I linked you to in my last blog post. I can barely remember when I wrote it. But on discovering it, and reading it again all this time later, I cried a little. It spoke to me. I can hardly believe I wrote it. I can’t even recall the spirit or state I was in when I wrote it. I have some vague idea, but nothing concrete. Yet it says so eloquently what I wanted to say at the time, what I still want to say. I strongly desire to write more parables and things like this. I mean it worked for Kahlil Gibran!

I think that if when I sat down to write I experienced more of these things I enjoyed and loved and less of the struggle I have been wrestling with I would write a lot more. I would develop and grow as a writer much quicker. I know I denied this aspect of myself all these years, and there are consequences for that. I likely have a lot of slogging uphill in the mud to do before I get anywhere in my writing. But I am looking forward to that sunny, green hilltop. That alpine meadow with all the flowers, birds and a few hardy trees. That space where my writing has become more than habit, it has become my life, and I am literally putting my life energy into every word I type. Bleeding on the page energetically, in a state of ecstasy. I look forward to that day, and desire it to come soon!

So, reader, if you are a writer, what are the things that are working in your writing? If you are an artist what are the things that are working in your drawing, painting, sculpting, etc? Any advice or thoughts that you would care to share with everyone? Please comment below.