So I have taken it upon myself to help care for my parent’s 15+ year old dog. She drools, she has bad breath, she has mommy issues and separation anxiety, and she has little if any control over her bowels. Oh and she can’t really walk too well. The simple solution is to put her down right? Ever heard of parents wanting to put down their sickly human child? No? Well some parents have “fur babies”, and Amy, (Stinkerbell as I call her), is both my mom and dad’s fur baby. They have discussed putting her down, but it is more likely we are stuck dealing with her literal shit until she finally dies. Shouldn’t be long now, God willing!
I get angry and frustrated with Amy. Why? There is a root in fear somewhere – maybe that taking care of her means I will have less time to do the things I want to do? I don’t know if I ever wrote about that, but anytime you are feeling anger or frustration there is a fear of some need or other not being met at the heart of it. Anyhow, I realized something as I was helping Amy up for the umpteenth time (I am so tired of staring at doggy ass!) Amy is a symptom of some sort of cause in my life. In other words, even if I were to kill her, or she were to die, or my parents were to put her down, she would simply be replaced by something else. Amy is a physical representation of some sort of symptom of some sort of cause that I have to address in my life. In other words, I created this experience for myself, and Amy is just playing the role I have assigned her, at some level outside my conscious awareness. So if I want to be free of Amy, I have to free myself from whatever it is she represents – whatever cause she is a symptom of.
As I thought about this, I realized that EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING in my life that I don’t want – every experience, interaction, etc is all drama I have created for myself. The people, doggies, mosquitoes or anything else – even issues with my computer or all this crap I have to do for my mom on her computer – IT IS ALL SIMPLY PLAYING THE ROLE I HAVE ASSIGNED IT. This isn’t a decision made with conscious awareness obviously. It comes of old beliefs, feelings, ideas, perspectives and so forth that have become habitual and are running on auto-pilot in the background. What I need is a Task Manager that can trace back each process to its cause so I can terminate it. But as that does not exist (at least as far as I know) all I can do is practice placing my awareness on my anger, my frustration or any other negative feeling or form of resistance I may be feeling. Only in awareness can these old habits be noticed and then broken.
So… What form is Amy taking in your life? What is it you are going through that you want to be free of? What experiences are you having that you do not want, or outright hate? Ask yourself what beliefs, feelings or perspectives you may have habitually had that has manifested this in your life. Start placing your awareness on any negative feelings or resistance that may come up when you are dealing with your Amy. I gotta do the same. Because I am loosing patience, and the one thing all our elders need is our patience. How could we care for them otherwise?