In a little over a month my parents and I will be homeless. Today I learned that one of the families staying here has found a place. I celebrated this, and shared it with my dad. I thought it would encourage him. I mean, if they could find a place, so can we. But he is stuck in a mindset that you have to have money to buy a house. The fact that this couple had money enough to purchase this place seems to confirm that for him. He has no money set aside. I tell him about Downpayment Assistance, but it is like he doesn’t hear me. He usually starts in with his other mind-rut – his credit history.
As we travel around the area I see houses being built. I see subdevelopments that are filled with occupied houses. And I know that statistically speaking, not all of these people had money enough for a down payment. I know of one man who is renting a place, without a job, without any known income, and with a drinking/substance abuse problem. HE has a roof over his head. I point this out to my dad, but it goes right OVER his head. If it isn’t the chestnut, the same old saw, of this man having money from the sale of a house its this man has better credit.
It occurs to me that the people all around us are in a variety of monetary situations. Some have no money at all and no employment. But some of those folk are living happily in their own houses, while others from this same group are living in a homeless camp somewhere. On the other side of the coin there are those with plenty of money and/or a good paying job, who are living on the side of the road, even as some of that same group are enjoying nice new houses. The only thing separating these people is their mindset – the set of their minds. What they allow themselves to have and what they believe they deserve. That’s it.
I honestly don’t think money plays as big a role in getting a house as we are generally programmed from childhood to believe. There are people living in penthouses in New York who do little if any work, and it isn’t because they have a trust fund or come from money. Just as their are artists, dancers and singers working two jobs as they try to get their foot in the door. I am certain that as long as my dad doesn’t honestly and truly believe that he deserves a house, as long as he doesn’t allow himself to have one at any level in his mind, he will not be able to get a house. His fate, and by proxy, mine, is sealed, were I to cast my lot in with his.
I can’t do that anymore. I honestly believe I deserve my own house, my own space. I have worked hard all my life, and if that was any real metric whereby eligibility were granted, the scales would have to be tipped in my favor. I also want one, and am doing my damn best to allow myself to have one. Even without any income – only the future possibility of becoming a well-paid YouTuber, the goal I am working towards right now. The problem is I am infected by the same mind-virus, the same meme, as my father. I contracted the fucking thing from him. I caught myself later in the day, just a little earlier this evening, thinking about how I lost a subscriber at YouTube and doubting that I will ever make it as a YouTuber.
I realized it then and I see it very clearly now that as long as I do not allow myself to “have” success at YouTube, as long as a doubt myself and do not feel I deserve it, or am worthy of it, I will never have it. Ever. I am doomed to fail – in fact I failed before I even got started! I was advised to start a GoFundMe for my folks. Try to raise money to get them a house. I see now that it is useless for me to do so if I continue to think, basically that, “well I can put it up but I don’t think it will do any good.” If I put it up with that mindset, that belief, it will not succeed. That’s all there is to it. I am sabotaging myself and my parents.
I won’t belabor this but to put it bluntly I don’t think I will survive this. I have been fighting this bullshit for a long time now. I can’t seem to get out on the other side. I can’t seem to cure myself of this disease, free myself from this thing that both holds me down and keeps me back. But there is one thing I can do, maybe the only thing of any value I have ever done, and that is to warn you. Buying into the beliefs that were programmed into you since childhood by your authority figures, parents and religion is a dead-end road. You are marching a straight and narrow road from the cradle to the grave. You will have been born only to live a miserable life and then die. It doesn’t have to be that way, but must be as long as you believe it.
Now this may not be a belief you are consciously aware of. How often have you listened to the things you tell yourself? I mean REALLY LISTENED? Is your self-talk supportive or not? Friend or foe or frenemy (foe in disguise.) Are you allowing yourself to do the things you care about or have a passion for? Are you of the mindset that there is only so much to go around and you have to get yours before someone else does, or do you believe in an abundant universe? What are you allowing yourself to experience and to have? A house? A happy marriage? Work that speaks to you or that you can at least tolerate? Do you have money enough to live the kind of life you want to have? How do you feel when you look at something you want and say, “I now allow myself to have this, or something like it.” What kind of people have you surrounded yourself with? If you express some risk you want to take, do they support you or try to stop you?
Don’t wait until it is too late, until those old mindsets, those old habitual patterns, are so deeply engraved that you just can’t find a way out. Break free, rock the boat, shake yourself loose. Stop following everyone single-file to the cemetery. Stop doing what others tell you, stop doing what others want you to do, stop living for others. I have said it before that if you do not fill your cup, you will have nothing to give anyone else. You gotta find your path, and you will know when you are on it, because your old beliefs, your old ways of thinking, will just fall away. You will find real and lasting happiness there. Your life is not something meant to be endured. It is meant to be enjoyed. You are here to experience life and all the Universe has to offer joyfully. Open yourself up to that idea.
The only thing standing between you and something you want are your beliefs and mindset – the habitual way you think. Change your mind and you change your life. Different ways of thinking open up different experiences and options. What are you allowing yourself to experience and to have? Is it what you really want, deep down inside? Take a moment and listen to what that still small voice inside is whispering. The sooner you get started, the easier it will be to choose a way of thinking that supports you and opens you up to new possibilities. You know what happens when you stay entrenched? Literally in a trench? You will either starve to death or you get taken out by enemy fire. Nobody who has ever stayed in a trench, never leaving, has survived.
I fucked up. I tried and quit piano, though I enjoyed it. I tried and quit singing, even though deep inside I want to sing, I want to free my voice without fear or shame. I tried drawing, and despite the fact I have proof I can draw, I still don’t consider myself to be any good at it. I tried mapping for games I enjoyed playing, and quit when I compared my work to others and came up short. I tried programming and couldn’t stick with it. I keep picking up writing and dropping it again. I start a story and quit a couple of chapters in. I tried to meet someone to share my life with, and have long since given up. In fact I went through my entire time at college without really socializing at all – or even trying. I am running hell-bent at YouTube because it is my last hope, and I think it actually might be.
DO NOT follow my example! DO BETTER! Your happiness, your life, literally depends on it!