Some events have occurred, things were said, or rather texted, and now I am facing a difficult situation. As I was walking the dog tonight I realized a few things. The things I am feeling in the aftermath of this experience are the very same feelings I have felt in a variety of what I would call negative experiences throughout my life. In other words, I find I am repeating this over and over again, and that points to a deeply held belief. Maybe even a trauma. Something buried and ingrained deep within me. It is up to be to extricate it.
The other thing that became very clear to me is that I have to treat this ability I have to confront people like a loaded gun. I really do. It should only be used in the defense of the lives of either myself or other people, and only after extensive training. I should be as well trained in the use of confrontation as a police officer is charged to be with their weapons. When I am not using confrontation, it should be locked away, like a loaded gun. I need to practice confrontation safety. If I ever take confrontation out of its safe, it must be secured in a holster, and it must remain there until it is time to use it. Like some police officers with their gun, I am beginning to think that there will never be a situation in which I would need to draw confrontation from its holster.
I have committed tonight that I will no longer judge people, or assume anything. My mantra now is, “If I don’t have all the facts, I know nothing, if I know nothing, I assume nothing.” I think between holstering or locking up confrontation and no longer judging or making assumptions I will avoid any situations like this in the future. Because I never want to feel these feelings again. I hate them. I hate feeling this way. Honestly I hate myself. Or I am just really, really disappointed in myself. I know I failed, but I feel like a failure. The tough part is that the primary feelings wrapped up in this feeling experience are that an injustice has been done, mixed with a slow burning righteous anger. I stand in the aftermath of this experience, knowing that I have been wronged, that my punished is undeserved and honestly, unmerited. Maybe I said things that people didn’t like. But I didn’t hurt anyone, and at least part of what I said needed to be said.
Silence IS consent. If I had said nothing, I would not be having any issues right now, but lives would literally be at risk. I spoke up because I thought someone had to. I wasn’t aware that the situation was being handled. I would have preferred to keep my hands off it entirely. Ultimately it is not my responsibility. Only an idiot takes up responsibility that they don’t own. It is hard enough just being responsible for ourselves. To put it bluntly and briefly, one of the people who lives at this house where I live has been tested positive for COVID. We have no idea how long she had been sick before she got tested and told us. A couple of days ago she left to go downtown, just a few days into her quarantine. She was coming back as I was leaving to help my dad at work. She was not wearing a mask. She had driven out to get fast food. I told her mom, and that is where I should have left it. But her mother’s reply didn’t come off, to me, as taking it seriously enough.
I find out after the fact that this person’s mother had taken some precautions, and set things up so that her daughter would not have to come downstairs while in self-isolation. I had spoken to the daughter, telling her that she should not be going out as long as she tested positive for COVID. I found out that her mother had already spoken to her. I shouldn’t have said anything. I only spoke to the daughter because I was not aware that she had been spoken to by her mother. I thought nobody was doing anything. Because her daughter went out, AGAIN, and was out of quarantine for several house. That’s the gist of it, there is a lot more and the texts I sent her mom, as well as her mom’s reply. I will not go any further into this. But that is why I said what I said. Because, to my mind, if COVID is going to spread and kill people, it will be because of the actions of individuals like this woman’s daughter, self-centeredly going into town when they should be staying locked up at home.
I leave this as a public commitment and record. I have holstered and locked away confrontation. I never want to be like my parents, who rarely speak up for themselves and are always concerned how others feel. I never want to be like my brother, complaining about things to one person trying to bring them to his side when that same person is friends with the person he is complaining about. But I also no longer wish to judge or assume anything. Maybe this was how my parents and my brother once were, or maybe this is how I perceive them to be. But unless I could say definitively one way or that other that this is the way they are, I need to keep my assumptions and judgments to myself, as I do not have all the facts. I might still need to stand up for myself, but that is a little different than using confrontation. Because the intention, the mindset, is different.
Now I have to deal with the fallout. I have to make sure I do not cause any additional disharmony. Some will be inevitable. What I have been ordered to do is not something I can do, for numerous reasons. But while I live here I have placed myself under my parent’s authority, and I will follow their instructions, or leave the house entirely. I am not sure which course of action I will take. I have nowhere to go and am now waiting for my test results. Because if they are positive I will have to self-isolate and stay here until they clear. But it is time. It has been time for a long time. Time for me to find a way to stand on my own, to walk my own path, and I have committed to this tonight as well. From this point forward, I must walk my own path, to whatever cursed terrain it takes me.
I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the short end of the stick, I hate coming up short. I hate that other people seem to effortlessly interact with others while I struggle. I feel like there is something irreconcilably wrong with me. As if I had received bad or incomplete instructions after stepping off the factory line. I don’t fit and I never have. I don’t even know if there is a place in this world for me. I feel like a fraud, having all these awesome insights that will likely change people’s lives, if they don’t at the very least expand their horizons a little. Yet I can’t seem to get this whole life thing right. There is nothing more terrible that knowing how things should be, yet being unable to make the needed adjustments or fixes to make them that way.
I really am on the outside.