4-12-2021 – What The Hell Am I Doing with My Life???

I appear to have forgotten my commitment to writing at least one blog entry a week. Well here is this weekend’s entry, just a day late. Really struggling right now. I am NOT enjoying the cold weather we have been having! I am also NOT enjoying the constant annoyance of taking care of my parent’s elder dog! My complete dislike, even unhappiness, with my present moment experience is mixed with a couple of things… Worry about the future, certain thoughts I though I was done with, and this underlying old belief I have not been able to shake that I am not enough.

I caught it this time though, as I talked out loud while trying to get the damn dog to go poop. I said all these initial things, and that lead to this idea I am not enough. It started with the question of what I am doing with my life. The realization, or at least clarifying the thought, that I want to do more with it. And that lead to the underlying belief that I am not enough.

I was thinking about how even in an ideal solution, with my parents and I in our own places – me in my house or area and they in theirs – that even though I would have the space to exercise, where I would exercise, that I would be close to town, where I would get a job, and that I would also continue my writing and work at YouTube. Still, I would essentially be at the same dead-end I am at now. Doing nothing with my life.

But then I asked myself, what constitutes actually doing something with your life? My dad moved out, got a job, got married, had then raised my brother and I, then retired. But really what has he done with his life? Likely he will work until he can’t work anymore. He has no future plans – no more than I do.

I know I want to stand on my own, and that I want to travel the world. But how I am to go about accomplishing these things is beyond me. I suppose if I could at least find a way to stand on my own and support myself, as well as any family I have, that this would be a worthy enough goal. Perhaps my dad feels the same way.

I wish I knew exactly WHAT to do! What steps to take, what direction to point – SOMETHING. I am feeling very discouraged, frustrated, a little angry and super tired of everything.

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