I really want to get into a better state of mind, a more positive way of looking at the world – all the things that tend to happen this time for me at this time of the year. But the tank is empty. I just don’t have it. I don’t enough so I can enjoy Christmas, and I definitely do not have enough to help others enjoy the holidays. I am not Scrooge or the Grinch. I do not hate Christmas, I have no fear or anger. I am just empty, numb, and finding it hard to get into any sort of festive mood. I am sure I am not the only one, especially after this shitty year!
It would have helped if I had been able to manifest some money in some way, outside of funds I have received for my birthday and Christmas. It would have helped if folks had been donating at Patreon and now Donorbox. Buying my t-shirts at Spreadshirt and TeeSpring. Hiring me for gigs at Fiverr. Hell handing me an envelope of cash on the street! Then I could have gone out and done some shopping. I love to shop for gifts for others – especially when I know what they want and I have the extra money to get it. No price is too high for a gift as far as I am concerned. If I was a billionaire and someone I cared about wanted a house for Christmas, I would find the exact one they had been dreaming about, throw a wreath and a bow on the door, then wrap up the deed with the keys. They would have that under their tree. I seriously would. Being able to be Santa Claus in that way is something I will never get tired of. Never.
That would have filled up the tank with Christmas Spirit. But I am having trouble getting my folks to communicate with me about getting a card for the lady we stay with and her parents! I have money I have received for my birthday and will likely use that to at least get some cards. I have done this before. I got a present for me, Jeracraft’s thumbdrive. I am eagerly awaiting it! In any case, this whole coronavirus thing, all the issues with going out to shop and all the issues shopping online, getting stuff where it needs to go on time, besides having no money – it has seriously put a damper on everything for me.
It would also have helped, and will help, if I could get at least a couple of nights away somewhere, some place with an available hot tub and not too many people or the associated health risks. As I said at Facebook, I could really use some time away. I need a break – have needed one for the last 4 years. I have watched others travel, visit friends, do things – hell – even get married, and I am sitting here, doing nothing.
Speaking of getting married… I grow weary of everyone I know growing up, getting married and finding some sort of life for themselves. It makes me think there is something wrong with me. Because I have been unable to do any of that for the last 25 fucking years! One of my family members, who I was close to for a while, got married and invited me to her wedding. I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. Mainly because I had, up to that point, been to way too many weddings. I was suicidal at the time and knew that if I went I would probably end up killing myself. She will never know any of this and will remain angry at me and distant. It is for the best.
Yes, I have admitted it here. But if you didn’t suspect it by now, you haven’t been reading the things I have written very closely. I have been suicidal all my life, up until a few months ago. I don’t think I had come out and said it here yet, but maybe I have. In any case, I have thrown myself into a full commitment with life, but as this year winds down, and with what is looming next year, I suspect I made the wrong decision. But I am not giving up, I will somehow accomplish my goals by the time the least expires or we leave this place. I have no idea how, but I will. Failure is not an option – I am NOT living in the RV after next year, even if it kills me, both figuratively and literally!
All my hard work at YouTube, Fiverr, Spreadshirt and TeeSpring will pay off, or I will find other things that will. I know I am moving from this house into my own spaces and rooms in another! And I know I will find, somewhere, a little Christmas Magic, maybe in some lost corner of my spirit. I will gather it up, put it in my tank and enjoy the holidays. I will enjoy them even if I don’t get any presents, even if I do get presents but they are not what I need or want, and even if I am unable to give presents to all the people in my life I care about, that I love, that are special to me. I will get through this year, and I will emerge ready to go 10 rounds toe-to-toe with 2021. It will be an EPIC fight!
One of the first things I will find a way to address is my exercise needs. I will start with this cheap jump rope I purchased.