A combination of things has come together and given a spark to the dying and dead embers that is my writing. It has created in me a desire to write, and so, for now, I am writing.
I am not officially back or anything like that. I am taking this thing as it comes. Except for this spark, my heart is not in this. But the one thing writing gives me is a place to express myself, far more eloquently than I ever could otherwise.
First thing on my mind, coming away from just having watched the final episode of The Masked Singer Episode 1, having heard T-Pain’s rendition of Sam Smith’s, “Stay With Me”, is that I really want to sing again.
For a while there I was paying for lessons from an excellent local teacher. But she wanted to train me classically, and I did try to swim in those waters. I found a way to work with Josh Groban’s songs, a fellow Tenor. But there was no help for what I want to sing.
I grew up in the 80’s, listening to what was called Soft Rock back then. You play a song that was on the radio from 1985 and I will accurately identify it 90% of the time. I remember one song I heard a few years back, I think from Nickelback, talking about how they sang driving into the steering wheel. I empathized with that. I have done that. But I never got out of the car, literally AND metaphorically.
Then what my former friend Josh was around it was like being a musician, being a singer, was HIS dream. I was supporting that, and my whole heart was in that. Even now that the person I knew of as Josh is no more, and has become someone else, I am still here, rooting for him/her/it. Just while they were with me, it was like there was no room for another singer. Somehow, not sure how that happened. I just stepped back I guess.
How many times have I just stepped back, instead of up to the plate? How many times have I never even tried to hit the ball? How many times have I tried and failed? And have I ever scored a home run? I never thought of myself as being controlled or influenced or ruled by fear. But I guess I have been denying that reality all these years.
All I know, sitting here, writing this, is I want to sing again. Not sure how or where. No money for lessons, no opportunities I am aware of. I can just do my own thing, but I know myself, and with all these other balls I am juggling, I will drop the ball. I guess I do not want it enough. I have to want it as much as T-Pain wanted to become a singer, taking I guess a detour along the rap industry route, but when you hear his voice in Season 1 of the Masked Singer, it is obvious he can be, and is, so much more. He deserved to win, and I wish I had a fraction of his drive and determination.
The truth is I don’t deserve to fulfill any of my dreams if I am unable or unwilling to fight, to put myself out there, to work for them. Not sure how that works with the spiritual ideals like acceptance, allowing and flow. But somehow, in some way, I have to get myself out of the white man’s version of the ghetto, and into a better life.
Anotehr thing on my mind is Ken Robinson’s, “The Element.” Reading about those four things as he lists them, as requirements for something to be your Element, I see that writing is not my element, because I lack passion for it. This actually freed me up. This and calling it quits with writing alltogether. It’s amazing how many things comes to you to write, how much you want to write, when you truly have thrown in the towel.
I see now that I have been putting WAY, way too much pressure on myself. But in reading that book I eased some of it off, and that has freed me. I can now approach writing on my own terms, write or not, and not commit to a damn thing. This is what I am going to do from here on out. Probably gonna toss everything out I have written to this point and start over.
On thing bothering me though is I can not find any archives of my first blog, “Romance Beyond Reality.” For some reason I wanted to revisit it. I have revisited, briefly, “A Different Path”, the precursor to this blog. Anyhow I can’t find that or any of my Brittany materials. I hope I did not delete them. Don’t know why I am looking for them. Is there something there I need to remember?
So… Yeah… I guess that’s it for now. Not as strongly as I want to sing, I do have the desire to write and publish something. Write something good worthy of being published and read by (hopefully) millions. I want to see it through, just as I want to see singing through, and piano playing, come to think of it. And I want to loose weight, maybe take up dancing. And I want to do yoga and Tai Chi or Qi Gong.
But the weather is turning, the leaves are falling, and all income streams have dried up. Even my laptop is wigging out a little, had a display driver crash the other day. Without money, I can’t replace my equipment, and without equipment, I can’t write. I know some writers use notebooks and legal pads. But my handwriting does not lend itself to deciphering by even me sometimes. So here’s to hoping that opportunity comes knocking, and I open the door.