I mentioned in my last post how I renounced suicide and committed fully to life. One of the things keeping me from getting over that final hurdle was the thought that if I came out on the other side of this and nothing changed, what do I do? Because now I would be stuck, and there would be nothing else I could do. Nothing else I know of to change or address.
Well I have been wandering around the land on the other side of the fence for a few days now, and nothing has changed. Nothing has gotten any clearer. Nothing of the things I need or want has come to me. About all I can say is that maybe I am a littler happier, a little lighter. I don’t seem to be carrying as much around with me. I guess on the other side, where I was, I was lugging around a lot of stuff. Not to mention the seeming possibility of Underworld Spirits glommed onto me.
Living on this side of the fence has been like freeing myself of a lot of extra stuff, like shedding layers of clothes I no longer need. It feels like I am dragging a lot less stuff around with me. But I am still without resources in my life. No money, no friends in physical proximity, no space of my own – none of the things I think I had been pushing away from me all these years. I thought all that good would come crashing onto and into me, but no, it’s still out there, just out of reach.
I have to do a vlog and I have no idea what I will talk about. Do I attempt to come right out and confess that, until a couple of days ago, I was considering suicide? I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to share that, but the purpose of a vlog is to share. You are giving people an intimate glimpse into your life. And they say confession is good for the soul, though I doubt anyone that ever said that confessed anything.
I feel this pressure, or maybe its more like a push, to get a job. I know I am doing this to myself, but watching the oldest daughter get ready for work early this morning made me feel guilty somehow. As far as everyone is concerned, even if they don’t say it, I should be out there working too. All men under the age of 60 should be put there working. Isn’t that what everyone believes? Or is it just my own beliefs adopted from my parents speaking up here?
I am not even sure it is about getting a job, or getting money. I think it might be more about doing something. I feel as if I am sitting around here with my writing and YouTubing and somehow, no matter how much work I put into these, I am not doing enough. I am lazy. Unless I am out there, sweating under fluorescent lights somewhere, I am not doing enough.
There is one thing I think I like about this new scenery though. I seem to somehow have become more focused on building my absolute best life. I have changed from the “…life I want to live” suicidal mentality to “…my absolute best life.” Things seem like they just need definition, lists. I have a job to do, I just need direction, and I can build whatever it is I want to build. It didn’t even seem plausible on the other side of the fence.
So I started a new journal, listed the things I will no longer tolerate, and followed up with a list of things I must to, to build and create my best life. 5 things for each list. Seems doable. On this side of the fence I feel like I can do it. It’s just a matter of getting to work, and I have been doing that. It’s something like when I wanted to make a village in the trees for Morrowind. I wanted a staircase that went around the trunks. I just sat down in Blender and built it. Or did I use 3DS Max? In any case, it feels like that. Like I know what I want to build now, and I can see it, and I just need to keep constructing it.
But this is conflicting with the reality, which has not changed, that I have no income. No way to support myself or stand on my own. I feel like unless I am doing something to bring in the income, I am somehow failing, or not doing enough. There are so many things I need, and a lot of things I want, and I can’t tend to any of that. In that sense, nothing has changed from then to now. All I have working for me is this subtle idea in the back of my mind that it is possible, I just have to build it. Just have to create it. I am grateful to have this.
I guess I can also say that some subtle changes have come into my writing and YouTube work as well. It seems easier somehow to sit here and write. And my YouTube work is still enjoyable, but it has now become almost effortless. I am not struggling in these creative endeavors any longer. I am really enjoying this aspect of being here, on this side of the fence, as well. I really do appreciate these subtle positive changes. But I really want some big positive changes to show up, and soon.
As the Starks used to say, “Winter Is Coming.”
And I am still sleeping in the RV.