7-27-2020 – What Will I Do, Going Forward?

So I took part of the Life in a Day project over at YouTube. But over the last few days I have been struggling with a lot of things. I came to see how my motivation, my mindset, towards doing YouTube is not the best. I have heard it said by many YouTubers that you have to do videos about whatever it is you are passionate about. As I thought about this, defining passion as the desire to do something even if you are not earning money, or getting views or subscribers, I realized that I have nothing I am doing at YouTube that fits that description.

That and the other day the lady I worked for basically implied and said I was spoiled. She talked about some time, a few years back, we went out to eat and how I didn’t tip correctly. I hate it when people do this, because I can not properly recall the entire context and details of the time. So I am left doubting myself and feeling worthless. Up to that point I though I had done well. She said I picked the most expensive item on the menu. I thought I had done well to find an item on the menu with a price within my budget that I was interested in. I didn’t pick the place afterall.

After doing my videos for Life in a Day, and these experiences with the lady I work for, I felt really down, and now I am looking at everything I have done for YouTube recently and wondering if I should just quit it all, because none of it am I doing out of any feeling of love or passion. I have no idea what I love or am passionate about, that I could make videos about, and could consistently upload to YouTube at least once every week. I tried to think about this last night before I was too exhausted and fell asleep. I do like making video tutorials and helping people. Also I could do some Minecraft building videos, or Creativerse. I dunno.

I think doing the vlogs is doing some good though, as it is developing more self-confidence in me. I am finding it easier and easier to talk to the camera. I think that is a good thing. Been toying with the idea of writing short stories again, and maybe I will submit some to this new site called Storyfire. Need to send a text to my friend, let him know I am struggling. Recently picked yp a hold from the local library entitled, “Writing To Awaken” by Mark Matousek. It looks promising. But how many books will I go through until something shifts in some meaningful and substantial way inside me, helping to create lasting, positive change in my life? Again I dunno.

Going to try to focus back on my writing, now that much of my YouTube organizing is done. Just a few things to wrap up. I let my YouTube work break my writing habit, and now I have to re-establish it, and find time for both things, and SpreadShirt, AND a little fun. Because I am doing nothing at all this summer and that sucks. Man I miss going to the theater!

More later…

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