Rage At My Failure

It is hard to describe what I am feeling right now. I have felt this way many, many times before. I just want to break something. I want to pick this laptop up and throw it. Yet again I have found myself to be inadequate, to not have measured up. Yet again I have put hours and hours of work into something that was nothing more than a dead-end road.

This time it’s the Let’s Play series I started for Minecraft 1.13, Building with Bliss. I just spend the last few hours in good spirits trying to wrap things up, bring them to a  good resolution or stopping point, a place I could continue. But Minecraft crashed on me, FRAPS screwed up my video, and this is the second time it has happened.

It’s not even worth it to continue. No more than 4 views on my latest videos over the last few weeks. Doesn’t justify the time I have spend in Lightworks, editing these videos, trying to make them into something good.. No, I have been wasting my time. Nobody cares about new Let’s Play series, unless it’s by one of their long-time and well-established favorites. Nobody gives a shit about my work. Nobody cares.

I am going to come across as if I am complaining. I do not intend this. I just want to point out that since I have started adding new content to my YouTube page I have received two new subscribers. Just two! And nobody is subscribing at Patreon. What this tells me is that I am not wanted. There is not one person who wants me to continue my work. Not one. So that’s it.

I am done. I am leaving soon in any case, and now I am sure I do not need to take my laptop with me. I am glad that over the years I have helped a few people with my video tutorials and the things I have done at YouTube. I don’t regret anything I’ve done that has actually helped someone. But I am just not good enough. I don’t stand out enough, or I am not engaging enough, or maybe my tutorials are shit. I always thought I was doing good, but it wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong about something, and it won’t be the last.

All I want to do now is throw this laptop at the wall. Take it outside and smash it to bits. Punch my first through the screen. I am a hair’s breadth from doing so. All these years the only two things I have ever thought I was good at, that I thought I even did a little better than anyone else, was writing and teaching. But it looks like that’s a lie. That I have been blind an delusional. The problem is that if I don’t have these two things to offer, than I have nothing. Literally nothing. I always felt I was worthless, and if I don’t have these two things, then I truly am.

Just gonna step away for now. Let the computer finishing processing and salvaging this last episode of Building with Bliss. I will throw it on my exterior hard drive and let it rot for now. I don’t have the heart to do anything else. I think I am done playing Minecraft and doing much of anything else for now. Maybe I will continue The Circle series, we’ll see. But right now, I am done with everything except maybe posting here occasionally.

For all of you that have subscribed to this blog thank you. I hope you have enjoyed or found useful things I have done here. I do have some more poetry to share. But for now I am stepping away for a while. Not sure if or when I will return.

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