Life of Confusion

I find myself repeating old, limiting patterns again. It would be so much easier to play the role of a victim. To point out all the things that are making things so difficult for me. To explain how hard my life is right now. To express how much pain I am going through.

But the fact of the matter is that I have nobody to blame but myself. Every… Single… thing in my life, everything, is there because I asked for it to be there. There are no exceptions. All the bad, what little good I can recall.

For most of my life I have vibrating at a frequency of failure. Of “don’t notice me” when I am around others. While this is changing, I still vibrate at the frequency today. The end result is that I am alone. I started vibrating at this frequency, I suspect, out of fear of rejection. Fear of being hurt. Fear of failure. Unless I figure out how to raise my frequency, begin vibrating at whatever the frequency is that attracts others of higher vibrations into my life, I will die alone and mostly friendless. I will die a total failure. This will never change until I change.

For most of my life I have also been vibrating at a frequency that, I guess is something like “work sucks” or “I don’t want to work” or “I don’t want to end up like my dad.” Maybe a combination of all of these. As a result, I have been sabotaging myself in every job I have ever had. I am sabotaging myself in my jobs on campus right now. Unless I find a way to raise my frequency and vibration I will keep repeating this until I am aware of whatever it is that is asking for my attention, or until I have learned whatever it is I need to learn.

I could find blame with the people I have worked for and currently work for. Just as I could blame others around me for not noticing me or rejecting me. But if my work is not satisfactory, if I am not happy with it, if I want more of a challenge, or more responsibility, or whatever, I have to operate at the frequency for it. Getting another job does not solve the problem. I will just bring it with me into my new job. It will haunt me until the day I die or simply kill myself. I will never be able to support myself or stand on my own until I kick this motherfucker to the curb.

If my life is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of my life what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency for the life I want, not the life I am currently experiencing. If my work is unsatisfactory, if it is limited, it is up to me to make of it what I want it to be, by vibrating at the frequency of the work that I want, not the work I am currently experiencing.

One of the people I work for here at campus left me a scalding reply yesterday. I struggled with how to respond. Do I defend myself? Unless I am guilty, why would I feel the need? Defending myself proves that I am in the wrong, and I know it. The fact of the matter is that what they have said about me is the truth. Not the entire truth or the whole truth. There are forces at work in all our interactions with each other that few of us aware of. But as I look back on my work at that job, I see how I have been doing exactly what he says I have been doing.

While his intention may have been to point out a wrong, I understand that what I am actually getting here is a message from the Universe calling my attention to something I have been doing but have not been aware of doing. The Universe doesn’t give a shit about right or wrong. That’s a human concern. The Universe simply wants me to be who I truly am. It is simply pointing out what I need to be aware of, what I need to address. Because it knows the desires of my heart, and it can see how my actions at my work are not in alignment with the desires of my heart.

When you bend your finger far enough you will feel pain. Proceed and you will damage your finger. The pain isn’t to tell you that you are right or wrong for bending your finger that way. It is there to warn you that you are about to hurt yourself. This message from one of my bosses is just like that. I am being warned that if I continue I will hurt myself. But unlike a normal person who would usually stop once they feel pain, and not hurt themselves, I seem to have at tendency to ignore the warning and cause myself serious damage. I have done it again and again. If these were bones in my physical body, I think I might have broken every one by now! Not just broken, shattered.

The question remains, what do I do? I mean I know I need to be more aware. I know I need to operate at a higher frequency in regards to my work. But how do I do this, and do it consistently, until I have created the inner change required? How do I keep from forgetting what I have come to understand today so I don’t fall back into my old limiting patterns?

A few days ago I pointed out to a friend that they needed to be more mindful when doing their math. But the least mindful person in the room was actually me. Sure I can be mindful with some tasks, like working on math. My advice was good. But for the greater parts of my life I walk through it in a stupor. I am asleep, not aware of what I am doing at all, my mind off into the future or the past.

If it is off into the future, I am typically worried about something. Or hoping for something. Both are based off fear. If I am looking back into the past I am picking the scabs off old wounds. I am lost in regret or sorrow. Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my past that I can appreciate or be happy about? Why is it so hard for me to think of things in my future that I could appreciate and be happy about? Why are there always heavy, gray clouds threatening rain over the skies of my heart? Where, for the love of God, is the fucking blue sky? Where is the fucking sun?

If I quit my job, or quit my life by killing myself, I have accomplished nothing. I have changed nothing. If I come into human form again sometime in the future, I am placing a burden on that person which only gets heavier the more it is passed on. Because each life adds to the weight of sorrow and internal garbage that I have been carrying around since God only knows when. How in the hell can I become the one version or incarnation or whatever of me that finally opens the bag, dumps everything out, and leaves all that shit behind? How can I keep my future selves from suffering the same fate as me? How can I keep going in this life under my current burden?

I have no answers. I don’t know what to do. Or I do but not how to do it. Or I know both and am not allowing myself to remember. I wish I had some guru or something that could slap me upside my head and wake me up long enough that I can remember whatever I need to remember, do whatever I need to do, and change whatever I need to change. Because I am tired of making the same old mistakes. I am tired of walking the path of my life alone, and forcing myself to be alone. I am tired of the kinds of work that keep showing up in my life, and my seeming inability to vibrate at a high enough frequency that better work could show up. Or that would improve my current work.

I am afraid of the future. I worry about what I will do after graduation. I know I am graduating next year. I do not have a low frequency when it comes to my scholarly pursuits. But I am worried I will just keep going to school and run away from everything I need to be aware of and address. I will stick to what I have been successful at but ignore the larger issues of my life. Or I will graduate and I will make it meaningless. I will have this piece of paper and these certifications, but not allow myself to have a good, high paying job that would utilize what I have learned doing my time here.

One thing only I know for sure. I can practice presence by being here, in this moment, with whatever I am doing. I do not know if I can keep it up. But I know that today I am aware that I need to practice awareness, and am doing so. I will take that with me into my work today, and whatever happens… I just wrote, “Hopefully I can raise…” What am I actually saying? That secretly I am afraid I will not be able to.

Let’s try again… I desire to, I wish to, I want to, raise my vibration and operating at a frequency that transforms my life and work experience more into what I want, instead of more of the same. I allow myself to feel what I feel. I surrender to everything I am experiencing in this present moment. I yield to my entire present-moment experience. I set the intention, right now, to raise my vibration and increase the frequency I am operating at, starting with my work today.

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