Suicide – Part 1

I am reading, “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks, and I have started to put my awareness on any ULP moments that come up, any times I am Upper Limiting myself. As I believe I already said my car crash was an obvious examples. Others may be more subtle, like having an awesome day, but dealing with a broken strap on my backpack, and allowing the old feelings of anger and frustration, all tied in with my lack of abundance when it comes to finances. Even though I felt so much lighter and actually even felt elated, slowly those negative feelings began to color things. But at least I was aware of them.

Now I come to another issue, maybe also an upper limit problem, and that is thoughts of suicide. Now I have not been unhappy enough to have them lately. But I have always held onto this option as a way out. A way to escape the circumstances and situations of my life of they continue to refuse to change for the better. A way to get back my power, a way to be free. Others can fear death and be terrified of the very thought of anyone behaving out of the norm and killing themselves, but not me! Since I am no longer a Christian, the threat of hell and eternal damnation no longer has a hold on me. In fact, through the teachings of Abraham, I have come t understand that in death there is a release, and catapulting into one’s vortex. That makes it almost an attractive prospect, if I could only find a way to do it without pain. I mean if I can’t find a way onto my vortex any other way…

Maybe that part is true. But am I really taking back my power by leaving my hand firmly wrapped around the ejection lever, as it were? Or am I letting the circumstances and situations of my life have power over me? Also am I really free if I retain the ability and practice the vibration of killing myself? Or is that just locking me firmly into a pattern of behavior well underneath my upper limit. Am I hobbling myself while still believing I can fly?

I think I need to let this go. Take my hand off the ejection level. Land the fucking plane, no matter how damaged and unlikely to keep flying I think it may be. I don’t think I can soar above my upper limitations until I do. But I don’t want to let this go. It seems like to me that if I do that, I am saying that my life is OK, and I will put up with whatever shit I am going through. It feels like if I give it up I will be powerless, I will be forced to live a life that may not ever be what I truly desire. But if I don’t let it go, my life is almost certain to be what I do not desire. Do I want to continue with the way things are, or do I wish to finally and truly change things?

I have to find a way to let this go. As soon as I am ready. I can not afford to hold onto this any longer. Not because people believe is is wrong. Not because it would hurt those who love me. These are not good enough reasons. I have to let this go for me, in order to truly reclaim my freedom and power. No successful person lives their life with their hand wrapped around the eject level. I am almost certain of this. Thoughts of killing themselves do not enter into their minds. In fact it is probably inconceivable to them. I am almost certain I can not, and will not, reach my full potential until the thought of killing myself becomes such an alien concept I never even think of it.

But I am not ready yet. I hope I soon will be.

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