It has been a long time since I came in here and said anything. I just published my first poem in I am not even sure how long. I noticed that in the title it said peace-2, and it linked, at the bottom, to an old article I had written entitled, “Peace.” I just read this article, but it was strange, like someone else had written it. I think I had forgotten these old truths I had realized at that time. I find I still agree with what I said. It is still in alignment to what I currently believe and feel. Not like a religious belief, more like this is how something seems to me, what I think is true about it right now. I want to keep all my beliefs transitory. I want to be able to release them and let them go easily and freely, if they are no longer truth for me.
So a bit of a status update… Just about two weeks ago now, the Sunday before last, I was driving home after working for a neighbor lady I may have mentioned before, in the 2001 Lexus ES 300 that I had just purchased maybe a month or so before, and I decided to take a back road. I might have been trying to change the radio station. something caused me to not pay as much attention as I needed to, and this was not a road I took a lot, so I took a corner too wide, a little too fast, and maybe my steering gave out, it seemed to me the car was not responding, or maybe I froze up.
Whatever the case may have been, I slammed into a pole at probably 30-40 miles an hour, destroying the front driver’s side of the car, shattering the pole at its base and moving it foot or so in the wet, muddy, possibly clay ground in which it had been recently set. I hit the pole, the airbags deployed, solving the mystery once and for all about the 2001 Lexus ES 300 airbags, no, they are not the kind with shrapnel in them that have been recalled for Toyotas, else I would not be writing this, at least not in physical form.
It banged up my physical form a little but nothing major. Sometimes, strangely, I can still smell the airbags in the area of my nose where I felt pain afterwards. My left knee, which neither of my knees have ever really been free of pain or injury, hurts and doesn’t feel right. Nothing that feels like a broken bone. I have a huge bruise on my chest that showed up a few days later and is still there.
No the main thing injured in this accident was my spirit. I found my heart broken and my spirit crushed. I found I could not keep from reliving the scene in my head over and over again, wondering why I didn’t just slam on the brakes or drive out into the open field to my left. I was not under the influence. Just going too fast and not paying enough attention. I was not driving responsibly. I am so thankful that it didn’t happen a few moments earlier or later, that I did not hit anyone else.
I have since paid for this, may times over. First the police officer lied to me, not once but twice. Telling me I could get a deferment and may not have to pay anything for the infraction he gave me It was $180.00+, and with the deferment, even though I have nothing on my record, no tickets, no violations, I still have to pay $150.00 in what they call an “Administrative Fee.”
Second the towing company stole my car. Legally, through strong-arm tactics, but the result is the same as if someone pulled a gun on you, threw you out of your car on the road, and took off. There is no difference in the end result, just one process is considered bad or illegal, and apparently the other is considered acceptable and legal. For anyone in my area who wants to know what towing company to avoid, it is Chuck’s Towing in Washougal. Don’t use them, no matter what. When the officer asked me what towing company to call, insisting the car had to be removed, I told him to pick what he thought was the best one.
Big mistake. The police here in Camas must be very much like the police over in Longview, working in conjunction with the towing companies. In Longview they have something going with Bob’s Towing. I mentioned this before, years ago when my Honda was stolen out from under the apartment where I lived. Yet even though it was two streets off the main drag, the Longview police could not find it, and the towing company never reported it.
Anyhow the lady at Chucks told me that if I got them paid they would drop the additional fees from Friday-Monday, so I spent an hour working with my insurance company getting payment to them. She told me she would offer me $50.00 for the title, and I was trying to get Pick N Pull to get the car, but the lady at Chucks said they could not move my car, they would not park it on the street for pickup, even if I got permission, and when I resigned myself to selling it to her, she reneged, went back on what she had said earlier, and said no, what she would do is charge me $120.00 instead of $170.00. She would take $50.00 off the bill. She didn’t have $50.00 to just give me. So finally I brought my title, and, while recording our conversation, asked her to verify that if I signed it would she would not charge me for those extra days the insurance company did not cover. She said she wouldn’t, I signed it without uttering a word and left.
Thirdly this whole thing affected my schoolwork. As some of you may know I have been attending Clark College the last two quarters, I am wrapping up my second quarter. I have transferred over all usable credits from Lower Columbia College and am on my way to a 2-year Computer Support degree. Well after this happened my grades began to go down. It’s not that I can’t bike/bus there as I started to do originally. It is hard to explain, but having a car, having that freedom, then having it taken away, I don’t want to go back. Even though I can and have gotten by with the bike/bus travel, I just don’t want to do that anymore.
Anyway the poem I have just shared here was written just a few days ago, as I was waiting for the bus. I am starting to pull up out of the nose-dive I found myself in. I got my hands on a book; I was placing holds on my titles, seeking comfort, and this was one of them, “Taking The Leap” by Gay Hendricks. It talks about something called an “Upper Limit Problem.” Reading it made me realize some very important things.
First of all I never really believed I deserved the car. I never really took ownership of it. It came to me via a friend of my mom’s, who has also become my friend, almost even family. Her husband wanted to sell the car and had already purchased her a new one. I won’t go into the details why, but she had offered it to me for $500.00 even though it was woth easily six times that. Then the money manifested for it, and I got some work at the college so I could pay for gas and insurance. It all just came together. But I never really owned any of this.
I realized this was true when I remembered that I had never even read the manual. I know that whenever I go out and buy an electronic device or game, I always read the manual before I begin ti operate it. That is how I take ownership of something. The car was new to me, yet I never really looked at the owner’s manual. That was one side of this, the other is that I kept thinking how lucky I was to have this $3,000 car for which I had only paid $500.00. Like I didn’t believe I deserved it, which was exactly the case I think.
I think I hit what Hendricks calls my Upper Limit Problem. I Upper-Limited myself. I don’t know how or even if this ties in with the teachings of Abraham, but I remember I was not consciously unhappy or anything driving home. I was not giving thought to being in a accident, to wrecking my car. It seemed to happen out of the blue, I could find nothing on my thoughts that would have drawn it to me. But later I could see how I felt I did not deserve the car. Essentially I was sabotaging myself.
I have decided two main things since this happened. First, I will find and abolish any and all upper limits, any limitations of any kind, that I have accepted for or imposed on myself. I will tell myself I deserve to be happy, I deserve nice things, I deserve to succeed, I deserve to make love to a beautiful, long red-haired, virgin, young woman, I deserve to succeed in all my endeavors, until I believe it. I will completely reprogram myself, and I will start by working through this book.
Second, I will not play the role of a victim. I am struggling with this, as you can plainly see in this post. But I will continue to work at not seeing myself as a victim or as having been victimized. I will forgive all these people, I will release all the foul energy around this situation and free myself from it entirely, I will release and let go of all attachment and negative, undesired feeling. Ultimately I will learn from my mistakes and get right back up on the horse again. I will seek out another car that even better meets my needs or, I will move out into a place of my own near the campus, in reasonable bus/walking/bicycling distance.
Lexi, as I called her, has been, is and will continue to be one of my greatest teachers. She kept me alive and safe, just as she was designed to do, and now I will, and am, learning from the loss of her. I will turn this negative into a positive, this curse into a gift. I will transform it’s energy into something that will cause inner growth, and release any negative or undesirable energy back to the universe. And somehow, in some way, I will find my desire to continue going to college, despite my currently inconvenient circumstances, and I will finish this. I can see the finish line. I will continue running, no matter what, until I cross it.