What is it you are passionate about? What is that thing, when you do it, that brings you ecstasy, happiness and joy? What is that thing you do which requires dedication, effort, hard work and practice, driven by your love, your passion for it? What is that fire in the engine of your heart that animates your life and gives it meaning, maybe even a purpose?
Until tonight, as I watched the first Step Up movie, I never asked myself these questions. Or if I did I didn’t really ask, to the point of deeply looking into myself and identifying something possibly lacking or missing. I think we go after others we perceive to have whatever its we believe, feel or think we lack.
I think one of the reasons I became so enamored of someone I will not name is because of her passion. This individual is portrayed as being very passionate about dancing. I think that’s what drew me to her, at a subconscious level. I think perhaps a man without passion will place himself around or with others who he sees as having it. A man without passion may pursue a woman of passion, for example. Some part of us realizes that something is missing, that we are incomplete or lacking, so we seek it outside of ourselves.
Can passion be found for something we excel at? Can it be regained if lost? Can it be developed? Is there a time limit for passion? Before you answer that one think carefully… Everyone who I can think of that has ever lived and been passionate about something started doing it as a child. Everyone, without exception. Maybe they dropped off doing it for some period of time then returned. But there was always a time in their childhood they doggedly pursued it as much as they were allowed. The tendency is to start young. How many dancers, singers, painters and programmers do you know who started after 40?
If it is too late, and I am not assuming that, but I think it is a valid question, then another question immediately follows. If I can not find something to be passionate about on my life, and by all appearances it seems too late to start, should I continue living? Again before you answer that, think about it. A person without passion, without that fire in the engine of their heart, has no ambition, no drive, no meaning and no purpose. They probably don’t even have a dream. They are just a shell, a zombie. They will do little more than remain in the same life situations they have grown accustomed to. If they are currently on the couch watching TV, that probably won’t ever change. If person is faced with that likely future, wouldn’t it be better for them to just off themselves now?
I am not saying people can not or do not change. In fact I am the last person on earth who would ever believe, feel or think that. Also I am speaking from personal experience. I am 40 years old and living with my parents. I was doing the same sort of things 20 years ago as I am doing now. Only in my case I have grown desperate, tired of it. That is why I have consigned myself to hitting the road. I want to get away from my parents, find my tribe people of higher frequencies, higher vibrations. More support for me on my spiritual path. The possibility of physically present friends and lovers. I don’t see how I can find that here.
I was thinking earlier today that my parents are trailer park people. They started out in a trailer park, and now that the house is sold and they have a month to move, they have settled on moving into a trailer park again. They did look briefly at houses, then dismissed that. There is nothing wrong with being a trailer park person. But, at least in my parents case, it shows how they limit themselves, how they will not allow themselves to dream. There is no ambition, they are at anchor on the sea of life. They assume there is no better option for them. I catch them making these assumptions all the time, and I keep telling them, over and over again, to exhaust all possibilities.
But I am just like them. I have consigned myself to living on the road for an indeterminate amount of time. I have decided that I can do no better. I have little ambition, my dream is artificial and manufactured. I have no passion, no fire in the engine if my heart, other than to get laid (my apologies to any women I offended by admitting this.) I can’t come down on my parents when I am doing the same thing, in a different way, to myself. I do have good reasons to go, and it is not as easy for me. They can call a number and ask questions, I have to find the people to talk to if I want to go to college, move into a dorm so I can get out on my own, etc. And I am not sure it would be a good thing for me to move into a trailer park with my parents as I try to claw my way into a college, assuming I could find some subject that compels or draws me to it.
The one thing I do well, writing, if it could be transformed into dance moves, would be one eye-popping routine! At least as good as anything in that movie I watched. And their dance moves, if transformed into words, would rival my best writing. But the difference is that those characters love to dance. It is their passion. I have no passion for writing at all. If I could trade it for dancing, drawing or singing, maybe even programming. I think I would trade it without hesitation. I am good at it, but it holds no interest or value to me. I am sure as I write this that someone, somewhere out there, is disappointed in me. Maybe even offended by me. They would do anything to write even slightly as well as I do. Or I could be deluding myself and nobody cares about writing at all. Not like dancing, drawing or singing, to name a few things that somehow hold more value to people.
I don’t know what to do about this. I am pretty sure, and becoming more and more convinced, that I need that fire in the engine of my heart. That I have to find that thing I will devote myself to, practice and work hard at to develop and grow. That thing which will drive me, cause me to want to continue living my life. That thing which, when I do it, I become ecstatic, happy and joyful. That other love of my life. I think I need this, and I think I have always sensed it, but this is the first time it has entered my conscious awareness, this is the first time I have trapped it in a cage of words so that I can identify it.
I do not love myself, not like I should. I do not love life or living. There have been times where, briefly, I was enjoying being alive. Where I came close to ecstasy, happiness and joy. I may have even experiences these at various times in recent years. But nothing has stuck yet, I am like a yo-yo, I come up, and all-too-soon, I am drifting down again. I have not learned how to remain unaffected by my circumstances and those in my life. I have not been able to shut of the influence of these various factors. So I am tossed about on the waves of life, as I have not yet learned how to be the ocean.
I do not know what I am trying to say here. Getting lost in my writing. Still mulling over these recent revelations. I feel and I fear that if I can not find a way to love myself, my life and the moment-by-moment living of it that it would be better for me to give up, quit and throw in the towel, so to speak. Just exit this world, stage right. I have this “grass is greener on the other side” belief and mentality. I believe, feel and think that whatever it is I need or want, I can not and will not find it here. I have to leave my parents and their trailer park mentality behind, in order to change my own deeply ingrained trailer park mentality which I adopted and inherited from them.
But what if everything I need is here, and maybe also inside of me? What if there is nothing to find “out there?” What if I take the blindness I may currently posses with me wherever I go, so that I never see the opportunities standing just on the other side of the door? How can I believe in myself, believe in my body? How can I believe that I can have those things I need and want? That I can have nice things, like my own house and someone to share it with? How can I plug my ear to the specter of doubt whispering into it? (I have wanted to use that line for a few days now…)
I don’t have any answers. I don’t think fighting for whatever it is we are passionate about is the best way to go about things. But I do feel that if we are truly passionate about something we should abandoned ourselves to it, apply ourselves to it, work hard at it. That we would want to, if it is something we deeply and truly do care about. But at this moment, I can’t put my finger on what that may be for me.
If you are passionate about something, pursue it. I think this is the essence of what it means to, “Follow your heart.” Let your passion light the fires of the engine of your heart, driving you to its attainment, expression, mastery and realization.