I just had this thought I wanted to share. I tried to put it into a poem but the words aren’t fitting at the moment. So I will let them rest.
I realized I can say, without a twinge, that I know it can happen. I can also say, and believe, that it has happened to others. But I struggle with saying it is happening for me.
This is in reference to anything desirable, right now my thoughts are on when I leave this place. I can’t see myself as leaving here and moving into my own house. At the moment I can only see myself as probably living on the side of the road.
I am thankful I can see as much as I can. If it has happened, and has happened for others, then there is no reason it can’t happen for me. Even if it has never happened, has never happened for others, that does not mean it can never happen for me. There is a first time for everything!
There is no reason, beyond my own limiting beliefs, I can’t dream bigger and have more. The table is laid out before us. Everyone, without exception, may take from it what they want. There has always been enough, and there will always be enough.
I can sit here in the corner and take scraps. I can pick up a dish and select a small amount. Or I can grab a tray, as many plates as I can put on there, and pile them sky high. The choice has always been mine, is mine, and will always be mine.
Others can try to tell me what I am allowed to take and how much. But it is my choice whether or not I listen to them. I am done listening to them, I am done accepting the limitations of others, I am done accepting self-imposed limitations.
None of that has served me these 40 years I have been alive. Doing as I have done has only brought me here, to these circumstances and this situation. It does not work, so why continue using a flawed method?
Somehow, I don’t know how yet, I am going to get… No, I AM AT, the place where I can say, without a twinge, it happens for me. I am just as deserving as anyone else. Nobody has more of a right to the things they desire than I do.
We are all equal in our rights to our desires. It may not make sense from a human, physical standpoint. It may see as if some desires may cancel out or override others. But that is not our concern.
Our only concern, the only thing that matters, is following our heart, moving to the best feeling thought we have at this moment, visualizing the fulfillment of all our desires, and I guarantee that the closer we get to who we really are, the more harmonious all our desires will be together.
There is no reason to sit in that fucking corner and gnaw on bones. There is no reason to subsist on table scraps. It is time for me to get up off my ass, grab a plate and embrace all my desires, without criticism or judgment, without worrying about the how or finer details.
I want a nice bicycle and all the gear I need for a comfortable trip. I want a sleeper car train ticket pass and enough money for any other mode of travel I might want at any time. I want to be able to stay at nice places and have access to any physical care, from massages to mani-pedis, that I want. I want to be able to eat the kind of food I enjoy that makes my body feel good. I want a nice camera to take pictures with. I want to be able to stay at the Esalen Institute, in its nicest accommodations, and take as many course as they have of interest to me. I want to come back from this having finally released all excess material from my body and emerged like a butterfly from a cocoon, beautiful, light and free. I want a home to return to, a place of my own, in a community where I feel I belong, where I am welcome, where I have friends and someone to share my life with.
Those are my desires, and I leave them all the room they need to expand and grow as the time for me to leave draws nearer. These are the things I want, not sleeping off the side of the road, unless it is my choice, and only if I have chosen that.
In the eyes of society maybe I do not deserve these things. But I am done caring about or concerning myself with what society thinks or wants. Its interests do not match my own, so I leave it to its own pursuits while I follow my own.
I am done believing, feeling and thinking that I have to earn things or work hard for them. I have just as much a right to all my desires as someone who works 80+ hours a week serving others. Maybe they have to work that 80+ hours to feel they can have their desires. That is their choice. I am done feeling like I have to perform Herculean tasks in order to live a live of abundance, luxury and wealth.
I do not criticize or judge others in positions of service. That is the portion they have chosen for themselves. I will encourage them to dream bigger, to take a bigger portion, but at the same time I will support their choice, loving and accepting them as they are.
My idea of Donald Trump is that he sees himself as successful, wealthy and the next president of the United States. He accepts nothing short of the vision he has for himself. He accepts no limitations, not from others, not from himself. From this moment on, that is the example I follow.