I don’t know what the impression the readers of my blog may have of me. But I will state here for the record that I do not have everything figured out. I have some realizations, some understandings, the occasional direct experience, but I am not enlightened and as far as society is concerned I am a failure. Perhaps some of you already suspected as much.
It is very hard to write those three words for some reason. But I write them because they are true. I am stuck, I see few ways out of this, and they all seem like they will fail. I have no idea what to do and am contemplating a course of action some are very strongly against:
I am struggling to keep my train of thought on track here… OK, so here is the updated situation. My parents need to move, they have, at most, $3,000 a month to work with between them. They need to move my brother over here because they have been paying for him to live in Longview, and the only way they can get a place is to consolidate their assets.
I had this brilliant (at least I thought so at the time) idea. Why not start a Kickstarter campaign? I was on a pretty high flying disc, operating a a high frequency, then dad came home with bad news and all but attacked me for even entertaining any idea outside of what he called reality, based on what he had heard from a property management place he went to. I never told him my idea. I told him I couldn’t, that a person had to be in the right frame of mind for it. From then on he has referred to my thinking as, “Pie in the sky.”
I tried not to let it get me down. It is not my job to save my parents. That is a common human fallacy, that we have to save others. No, but I can do what I can with what I have. They are unable to be in the mindset that will attract anything they desire, especially something big like a house. But I can get into that mindset and manifest a house for them. As long as I am not attached, as long as I am operating at the right frequency/vibration. After all I want a place to return to if I need it after my trip. So it is not just for them. It is for them, me, my brother and maybe a family friend.
Then I looked at Kickstarter, found out you don’t get any money unless you reach your goal, then I looked at IndieGoGo, and found nobody was able to raise any money for anything house related. But shit, they raised over $1,000,000 for fucking wireless earbuds! If there was ever a time I wish an alien race would come and wipe out humanity this is it. We can’t be bothered to help each other have a place to live, but we can throw money at earbuds. Fucking hell!
I feel kicked in the nuts. I have had a raging headache all day, as I refer to it the Dwarves are mining for gold again in my skull. You would think they would quit digging but you know Dwarves! Those little fuckers are just gonna keep at it, even a Magnesium and three Excedrin later!
But that’s not the worst by far. No, apparently there is a 3 person limit for rentals, at least through this one place. Which means, if this is going to be the case with all rental agencies, I won’t have a home to come back to. Translation? I have no reason to return. Even more reason to consider the course of action I talked about in that thread I linked you to earlier. The way things are going now, they will move into some 1000 square foot or less 2 bedroom 1 bath shithole, out in the middle of nowhere, just so they can keep Amy (their dog.) Which means no options for me.
I am actually OK with this. Relieved in fact. It makes my decision that much easier. I wish someone would be kind enough to tell me how to naturally and painlessly commit suicide so I don’t have to jump in front of a train or off a building should I take this possible future course of action. But nobody has the courtesy (so far) to respect my choice. It terrifies them that I would want to do this. But if I have no reason to live ( I am pretty much at 0 right now) why should I keep going? Sheer stubbornness? I say to hell with that!
The only good news today is that earlier, before the shit hit the fan, I won my parents 4 instant winners of two monopoly tickets for the Safeway monopoly game they have going on. My mindset was in the right place, no matter how many of these codes I entered were loosers, I kept operating at a high frequency, the last few I won were almost in a row. So they will have 8 more tickets, and maybe one of those will win them something. I won’t enter any more until I am back up on my high flying disc again.
The other thing I took some encouragement from is that others have successfully (at least at Kickstarter) funded bicycle trips. I should be able to raise enough money to get myself a better bike and all the equipment and permits I need. I may even be able to get a nice camera, take some photos and share them with any backers. I am very good at photography, and a solid practitioner of Zen Photograhpy. I can take pictures, video record and write about the whole thing. Maybe complete a book. If I can complete a book and get published I may make just enough money to support myself. Then I won’t have to leave the stage early, so-to-speak.
Hell maybe I can even bike through Mexico to South America. Now that would be something epic to write about! Find a shaman and do the Ayahuasca ritual. I may not survive the journey or the ritual, but if I am considering suicide anyway, why not? If I make it through everything and return, I will certainly be able to advise and help others.
Right now it is all up in the air, nothing more definite than I am leaving home and likely not to return barring exceptional circumstances. Originally I was doing this primarily to figure things out, find myself, that sort of thing. Secondarily I wanted to get out on my own again, lessen the burden on my parents. I guess the difference now is I had a choice in the latter, now I don’t.
I don’t understand how multi-generational families are supposed to survive in an environment like this. Houses with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths are expensive and few and far between. At least in this area. Forget trying to find something bigger than 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms! HOA is unregulated, I kid you not, I saw under the terms at one site a monthly HOA fee of over $4,000 a month, and that was on a manufactured 2 bedroom house! It wasn’t worth more than $150,00 if that. How is anyone supposed to pay $4,000 a month + rent + utilities + groceries?
The whole situation really feels and seems hopeless right now. Hell from my perspective at this moment, it is hopeless. I can’t talk about this in either of the forums I frequent. I just get told to meditate or become a monk. About the most useless advice ever. I do not agree with how society says things are or must be. But I don’t have the ability or strength to fight at the moment either. Why bother?
I see no evidence that anyone else is trying to do anything. Everyone is in the lemming herd, heading to the cliff. I am standing to the side, I see the cliff, I see the same default behavior of everyone. I know it’s wrong, I know it doesn’t work. I call out but nobody hears me. Or if they hear me they don’t really listen. Even if they listened, they would just be standing off to the side like me, helpless to do anything. Better to be ignorant, return to the herd, and jump off. It is just easier that way.
You know I really just want to curl up somewhere and cry. The tears are there, brimming. But I won’t let them out. I don’t know why, but I just don’t want to let them out. Why do you think that is?