Traveling around today with my parents, celebrating my birthday, I had a realization that ties in with my previous post. I think it sheds a little light on the situation and illuminates it with a few rays of hope.
I will be writing this literally, I think, half asleep. I also have to leave out a bunch of personal information I am not read to publicly share as I refer to my journal. As a result I can’t guarantee how well this will flow together.
We must start with a quote from a passage I read in, “The Power of Imagination, A Neville Goddard Treasury.” If I felt like typing the whole thing out I would. But this quote will suffice for now:
“To be aware of being or having anything is to be or have that which you are aware of being.”
It occurred to me, don’t have the exact thoughts or words, that maybe Source (we’ll just call this energy or force that may exist outside the physical that for now) actually did answer my request. Not only that, but it has always, constantly and instantly done so.
Not the request I made with my lips. Not my conscious request. Not the thing I asked for with feelings, thoughts or words on a conscious level. No, the request that was granted was what I deeply and truly wanted.
Source shows how much it loves us by granting only the desires of our heart, those things that we deeply and truly are asking for, at a level beyond the conscious level, usually referred to as the subconscious or unconscious level.
It loves us so much it will never grant us the things we ask for consciously, if what we are asking for consciously is not what we deeply and truly desire. In fact it ignores all conscious requests and only seems to be answering them when in fact it is answering our subconscious or unconscious requests, and at these times the conscious requests match.
In other words, if it is not outright ignoring the things we ask for with our conscious feelings, thoughts and words it is giving preference and priority to the things we ask for with our subconscious or unconscious feelings, thoughts and words.
In my case what I asked through feelings, thoughts and words to happen by midnight on December 10th was, beyond or outside my awareness, different than what I deeply and truly wanted. In short there was this thing I wish to give away, to free myself from a label I am ashamed to now wear.
But deep inside my heart this thing was more precious to me than I realized. I had a desire, stronger than any other, that was the opposite of what I would have received had my conscious request been granted. If it had not mattered to me, then my conscious request would have been granted. To put it plainly, I received what I deeply and truly wanted, not what I asked for.
I am now in the process of looking at my life and figuring out why I am still here in this place, living with my family as I have for such a long time. I want to become consciously aware of whatever resides in my heart, whatever it is I deeply and truly desire.
Coming back to Neville, my awareness of being was one thing, what I was asking for another. My awareness of being, how I define myself, how I see myself, reflects what I deeply and truly desire.
It is impossible for me to receive the experience I asked for because my awareness of being is of someone who has not had that experience. I can not be aware of being one thing and actually be another (I can not serve two masters.) I can and will only ever be what I am aware of being. I can and will only be granted those requests that match what I am aware of being.
Anyhow I am left with some questions and plenty of time to ponder them, so that is what will do. I am falling asleep sitting here so I am going to go to bed. I may try to smooth out the rough spots later