This is not an inspiring or uplifting post. As such you may prefer to not read it. I have placed it here as a sort of public notice.
Normally I would not post something like this at this blog. I have a place where I can cuss and swear, venting, getting the poison out. But this post belongs here, as it is relevant to this blog and the light spiritual side.
I have never held much interest in the spiritual matters others are concerned with. Not even sure I was all that thrilled about Heaven back when I was a Christian. I don’t care about enlightenment, at least not to the extent of pursuing it as some goal. I don’t care about meditation either, been there, done that, not for me. I have often said I am not a monk. I am not a priest. I’ll let others decide if I am even a spiritual person at all.
When I was a Christian I had faith in God, I trusted in God. I turned to God when things turned to shit. I never received any answer of any substance. Some minor things, sometimes after a storm of anger had passed. Nothing major or of lasting importance. No experience of God. I would have been better off talking to a wall for all the good it did me.
Now, tonight, as of midnight on December 10th, the Universe, my Higher Self, Source – these new names I have for whatever that energy is that gives us all life and connects us (so I believe but have never experienced) this too has failed me. It has betrayed my faith and trust. It has been just as dead and silent, as far as I am concerned, as the Christian God I used to worship.
I had one request, of singular importance to me. Out of any other request, above anything else, this one request could not be ignored. I will not state what it was. Only that somehow, this energy, if it even exists, that created the entire fucking universe with a sound, could not grant my request.
Somehow this energy that can create worlds couldn’t manifest the one thing I wanted literally more than life itself. It couldn’t use the faith and trust I had managed to muster, overcome any subconscious obstacles that may have existed in me, and give me this one important and precious experience. Which is especially bad at this time of the year, when I needed to know I could depend on this energy or force, that I could have faith in it, trust it, and something like magic could happen. It failed, completely and utterly.
I did not fail. I had no doubt that this energy or force could grant my request. I had every doubt it would be able to as midnight approached. That it could provide – no problem. That it would provide – I honestly didn’t think so. I couldn’t see how it would be able to do this. Of course the how is none of my business.
The point is the faith that I had that it could should have been enough, and apparently it wasn’t. Apparently more knee scraping or weeping is required or something. I don’t know. With this failure and everything falling apart that I wanted to do (of the few things I had that I actually wanted to do) and now this… It is just too much.
I no longer see the point in being a spiritual person or pursuing spiritual matters. The energy or force of spirituality is just as dead to me as the God of Christianity. There is a better chance Santa Claus exists than that there is anything outside of the physical that gives a flying fuck about me and my life. So be it!
I might return to my spiritual studies. Or I may continue them in another way. It is all up in the air right now. If I continued them it would only be because I have always been immersed in some form of religion, of spirituality. I don’t know how to be any different after nearly 30 years of that shit. I may not be a monk or a priest, but that is the hole this square peg was jammed carelessly into, and its the best place I fit at the moment. I just don’t know any better. I can’t find the place where I fit, and it has never found me.
I am making no final decisions at this time. I have some of the physical world to see, next year unless things fall apart as they seem accustomed to doing. I will continue my training in astral projection and lucid dreaming. These things will give any energy or force that may exist outside the physical a chance to give a crap about me and provide something life transforming.
If it doesn’t and my life continues as it has that’s it for me, and that’s all I have to say about it. I don’t think it will, that it cares enough to, or can. I don’t even believe it exists anymore. I am beginning to believe that all that exists is the physical and nothing else. Better to eat, drink and be merry, because when you die that’s it. Worm food. Might as well get used to the notion. I have no personal experience of anything to the contrary, at least nothing substantial enough to convince me otherwise.
But if that energy or force cares enough to give me a life-transforming personal experience, I say bring it on! No matter what it costs me or how much it hurts, I can handle it! I can tolerate any amount of temporary pain, no matter how great. Especially if the pain is the price of something truly wonderful.
However this constant pain that just builds up and never diminishes? The kind of pain I am in right now, making me weary of life and sore in my body? I have had enough of it! I have been unable to purchase anything of value with this pain.
Let it be known that I do not give any energy into any beliefs that pain and suffering are required for spiritual transformation. In other words, I don’t believe for a second that it has to be painful. I don’t wish pain on myself or others, either directly or indirectly.
I am not going to dwell on this any longer. I am putting it out of my mind for a few days. Hoping that I will have fun tomorrow, just going with the flow, taking things as they come, just as they are. Make the best of it, in other words.