A New Conception of Myself

For the last few days, maybe even the last couple of weeks, I have been really struggling with anger, depression and melancholy among other things. I would describe myself as being tied up in knots – feeling that way. My birthday is coming up and I think that has something to do with it. Also I may be homeless next year and that likely has something to do with it as well.

I went downstairs to get myself one of the remaining Thanksgiving rolls, found nothing, dug some french bread out of the freezer, and used these three slices of bread to make myself a snack. As I did so I began to think. I buttered one side of each, added a little pepper, a little garlic powder, a few sprinkles of Parmesan cheese and some Mexican cheese mix from the freezer. I had the oven warming up, set it to broil, and began to cook them. When I took them out they were perfect, golden brown, cheese melted on top. I forgot the salt but that was no big deal, I added just a pinch of salt to them.

As I added the salt I realized that I never talk about how good a cook I am. I never think of myself as a good cook. I never give myself any credit for my ability to follow a recipe, and 9 times out of 10, create the desired end result. It occurs to me that not many people can say that. Or how I can create some things, like a delicious soup, from scratch. How I don’t need to measure, I used pinches of this and that. But I can also measure everything to the last 1/8 teaspoon. I know how to increase or decrease ingredients to make something healthier or tastier. I use 1 tablespoon of butter for the Annie’s Aged Cheddar Shells, not 3 as instructed. There’s just a lot there, and most of it I taught myself. My mom started teaching me, but when she stopped I continued learning on my own. Yet I never talk about this desirable aspect of myself. I downplay it. I am not sure why.

I can write, but never see myself as a writer, much less a published author. I might say something like I have good writing ability, but once again I am downplaying another desirable aspect of myself. I can read and write at an advanced level. I have a lot of cool ideas I can explore – I have never run out of ideas for material. I can start and finish anything under 20,000 words. I write 1,000 – 6,000 words almost daily. Are there many newspaper writers who can claim that? Also I am a poet and I write some beautiful poetry. I find ways of expressing my feelings through my poetry. I am learning to express spiritual insights and truths the same way. But, like everything else, I remain mostly silent about this. Why?

I constantly talk about what I do not have. If I am not complaining I am stating what I perceive to be truth, and what may appear to be truth, but what I am certain is only apparent reality, just one way things can be. I am only stating one of those ways. For example, I talk about how I am single and want someone with whom I can share my life, maybe start a family. The focus is on the apparent reality of my being single. But the reality I experience could also be that I am married, or engaged, or dating, or divorced, or separated, or whatever. The dice have landed and display one combination of faces. But these dice are infinitely sided, so there are an infinite number of combinations that they could stop on, and any of these could be the reality I experience.

I realized that I have never stated publicly, as far as I can remember, any of the sides of the dice I am wishing for as I shake my hand and prepare to roll them. I know that is not the best analogy, but that’s what I have at the moment. The point is I need to change this. I need to not only claim the reality I want to experience, I need to state that as being my reality publicly. The other measures I have taken are not enough to change the way I believe and think. I must demonstrate my faith. Not only that, I must claim these aspects of myself that are desirable as much as I used to claim those which are undesirable. In fact, I must stop dwelling on what is not desired in the first place.

I was thinking about Donald Trump, for example. It is impossible for Donald Trump to believe, claim and feel himself to be poor. Poverty and lack are completely alien to him. These states never even enter his mind, or if they do, they leave as quickly as they came. He is only aware of being wealthy. Even if he looses his money due to a bad deal or debt, he will make it right back up again. Donald Trump’s perception of himself, his conception of himself, is that of a successful and wealthy businessman, soon to be a successful and wealthy president. I guarantee you that he already sees himself living in the white house, writing laws and changing policies he wants to change.

Furthermore I’ll bet that with him as president, America will be taken well on its way to complete freedom and independence from debt. This is how Trump has navigated his own life, and he will take those same navigational sills into the presidency. I am rooting for the guy, and its a toss-up whether I would vote for him or Bernie. Trump may be all the things everyone says he is. But unlike Obama, Trump knows money. To keep America out of another great depression, without causing the problems Obama did in his efforts to fix things, we need someone as intimate with money as Donald Trump, and that is why I would consider voting for him. The alternative is that America gets taken over by China and every other country we owe money to. I would prefer that America remain free and independent. I could care less about a candidate’s personal biases and opinions.

I have wandered off-topic… Realizing that Trump could no more see himself as poor than I could see myself as wealthy I think I finally came to understand what is needed, what is required, for the desired changes in my own life. Somehow I have to stop seeing myself as poor, soon-to-be homeless, suffering, alone, lonely, single, undesirable, unwanted, not fitting in, etc. Sure I could go back into the story of my life, my history, and prove that any of these undesirable states are true about me. But like Richard Bach has said (and I may not be saying this right), “The man who argues his limitations gets to keep them.”

Enough is enough! If I want to be successful and wealthy, somehow, I am not sure how, I must see myself as these things. I must claim these desired states for myself. Part of what I can do to that end is make a public declaration that I am successful and wealthy. Another part is feeling it, but I don’t know how I am supposed to feel something I have never felt, The best I could do is imagine how it must be to wake up as an immediate member of Donald Trump’s family. Probably a California King size bed and silk sheets, next to a beautiful woman, in some ornate room with a balcony overlooking the city. I guess I have to figure out what success and wealth mean for me, and imagine how that feels.

I don’t have all the pieces to this puzzle yet. But I am going to take action, starting now. I am going to make a list of declarations about myself, everything I desire to be, do or have. I will start that list immediately, and add to it until it is complete. These are the things that I am claiming for myself. Furthermore I am going to stop focusing on lack and limitation. I am going to stop downplaying whatever is desirable about me or my life. I am going to focus solely and solidly on what is desired and wanted.

I will not claim any of these things as something that I have at some point in the future. That just means I do not have them now. I am going to claim them as if I have them now, even if the apparent physical reality shows something different. This is not lying, this is conception. I am conceiving a different version of myself, and these statements I am making will allow me to give birth to that which I have conceived. It is time to stop living as I have. Let how I used to live remain only a memory, no dwelling on it! As of right now I am living this new conception of myself.

A link will appear below to this new page with my public declaration.


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