I wanted this pendant as my own secret symbol. I live with my parents, both Christians, and my grandmother, also Christian. I find myself amongst Christians at their church. I wanted something I could wear under my shirt, against my skin, as a statement of my own independent path.
Over the months I have worn this, it has also become a reminder for me to not do something. But as I picked it up today, was about to pull it out and put it on, when I had a realization. It was almost as if the pendant had become contaminated.
Like I was setting an expectation of having to defend myself tonight. Like I was preparing myself for struggle. It felt as if this pendant was now holding inside of itself all these urges I denied. It had also become a way that I stood apart from others.
I realized some things as I picked up the pouch. I suddenly knew that I was at a place I no longer needed a symbol to secretly proclaim my independence. I no longer needed anything to make me comfortable with who I am and the spiritual path I now walk.
More than that, it felt like wearing it would, I guess the best way to say it is, make me resistant to others around me. The pendant is now filled with the energy of resistance. Resistance of other’s around me, resistance of certain urges. It is now a symbol of isolation.
Of course there isn’t really any energy in the pendant Anything I perceive as bad or wrong exists solely in my perception. It’s just that the idea of wearing it, at the moment, feels icky right now. Like I have outgrown it or its original purpose has become twisted somehow. But all of this is only in my perception.
The pendant can still be anything I wish it to be, and I understand now I must find another reason to wear it. I have no need to resist the Christians around me, I have no need to resist my urges, even though I still feel I should. It is my resistance to my urges that makes them stronger.
I appreciate how this pendant has served as sort of a record of my growth as a person, as a spiritual human BE-ing. I find it fascinating and interesting. I am curious to see what this pendant will become for me in the days ahead. What it will become a record of for me in the months to come.
For now I prepare to go amongst others, most of the Christians, without it. I will stand on my own, I will, somehow, maintain my own frequency and vibration in the midst of any contrast I may encounter. I will be myself, be true to myself and who I am. I am no longer resistant, or empowering the energy of resistance in me.
Thank you, to the friend who bought his marvelous gift for me, to those who had a hand in crafting it, and to the item itself and all it has allowed itself to be for me.