I have started, and nearly finished, “The Abundance Book” by John Randolph Price. I am on Day 3 of the 40-Day Prosperity plan. I have also been reading “The Power of Emotions” by Abraham/Hicks and “Manifesting Change” by Mike Dooley. There is something I can’t quite put my finger on. I wanted to write about it, I don’t know if this will show up at my blog or not. I think the best way to work through this is using an example.Let’s say a man chooses one day to go hunting for gold or some treasure. Something out there in the world, something hidden or lost. Let’s say that this man does not focus on the hidden-ness or loss-ness of that which he seeks. Instead he is driven by some inner certainty or knowledge that he will find it. In other words, he has a finding mindset. Furthermore let’s assume that he is seeing himself as already having found the gold or treasure. It is not something that will happen someday, but, as far as this man is concerned, it has already happened. He is going to go out and find it. It is as good as found. Also he is not doing so to pay of a debt, or as a way to become rich, or anything like that.
Let us assume this man has come to a place in his life when there is nothing for him at home. That he has a home and all his needs are met. But the kids have moved out, maybe the wife has died or moved away. He is bumping around this house, all alone, bit not dwelling on being alone or lonely. He just wants to get out, get away. Maybe he reads an article about some lost treasure. Maybe he has spent a few months preparing, getting everything set up, educating himself. Now he is off.
Understand that we are talking about someone in what I would think of as an ideal state to find that which they seek. Certainly this sort of mindset, one driven by adventure and discovery, not fame, fortune or greed, is uncommon. But it seems to me that in all the history of gold and treasure seekers, at least a handful would have been in a similar mindset to this ideal.
Here is what I don’t understand… I watch TV shows with my dad all the time, many of them about real life treasure seekers. I just watched one about some guy in Japan who spent his entire life digging for a treasure that likely did not even exist. Maybe they are not painting a truthful picture, or talking about those who have succeeded, although there was one where a man did find something. I don’t know. It seems like almost everyone without exception fails to find that which they have sought for sometimes years.
My problem is that our man here, it seems to me, would never find any gold or treasure. He would go out, look maybe even until the end of his days, but find little more than maybe scraps and trinkets. I think this would be the case because if someone has gone out, found a vast amount of gold or some long lost treasure, we would hear about it, wouldn’t we? It would be all over the news, everyone would be talking about it, and there would be a movie. But in my 39 years of life I can’t recall hearing anything about that. Can you?
But it does not make sense to me, given these teachings. They all, in essence, are saying the same thing. JRP says to look for the Source of money, seek God in other words, not money. Abraham talks about finding thoughts that are more in alignment with what is desired. Dooley instructs us to think as if we already had it. Not as if we will someday have it in the future, keeping it ahead of us. But living now, in this moment, as we would be living when this thing we desire has manifested. I am not sure I am explaining that very well. It comes down to feeling and thinking from when our desire has manifested right here, right now, in this moment.
If we want to be as rich as Donald Trump, then we take all our money, or, if we don’t have any money, pull out a credit card, and get a nice custom tailored suit. We may not, at the moment, have the money Trump has. But maybe we can dress like him! This is taking action in the direction of our desire, the suit will help us feel as if we were as wealthy as Mr. Trump, and if we used up all our money or spent a lot of credit, well we have to be having faith that this inflow of money we desire is coming. How we tie that in with JRP’s instruction to focus on the Source of our supply, not the money or wealth we want, I do not know.
Back to our treasure hunter… Something just isn’t gelling with me. Something just doesn’t add up. I feel as if a piece is missing. Maybe it is not being taught in these materials, or maybe it is and I am missing it or overlooking it. But it seems to me that if you are thinking predominately thoughts of gold and treasure, you should manifest into your life gold and treasure. If you think predominantly about money and wealth, you should see a lot of money and wealth in your life. If these teachings are true. But this is not what we see or what I experience.
The teachings say it is because there is some unconscious belief or thought (I prefer to say a belief or thought outside awareness) that is behind the conscious thought. In essence the Universe is responding to that. But that is disempowering and a convenient scape goat. It makes no sense. How can unconscious or unaware beliefs and thinking have more power than conscious beliefs and thinking? If they are more powerful, what makes them that way? If we get what we think about, whether we want it or not (Abraham) than that, to my mind, should work both consciously, within awareness and unconsciously, outside awareness.
That is just one problem I have encountered. Another is this… Here I am, having lived 39 years, and only in the last few have I learned about any different ways to see God, to think about money and various other subjects. I come to these new ways of thinking and looking at life after years thinking about them differently, and seeing them differently. There was little if any aware or conscious choosing of my former beliefs and thinking patterns. My parents raised me a certain way, to believe certain things, to think in a certain way. I, in essence, inherited their belief and thinking patterns. I had little or no conscious choice in it.
Now it seems as if those belief and thinking patterns are wrong. Or at the very least do not empower me, and are no longer the way I choose to believe and think. But even after changing what I believe and how I think, those old tracks the train of my thoughts used to run on are still there, and that damn train keeps running on them, instead of these new tracks I have worked so hard to lay. Why do these old patterns of belief and though hold so much more power over these ways of belief and thinking I am consciously choosing now? Why is it so hard?
To me it seems like it should be easy and simple. But this is not what I am experiencing here. Shouldn’t what I consciously choose for myself now overpower and overwrite anything others previously chose for me? If not, why? How do I make what I choose to believe and think now eradicate all earlier ways of believing and thinking? How can I reach in there and just rip that bullshit out? Why do I have to go through this dance routine with this stuff? Why can’t I just cut it out like someone would cut a cancerous tumor from the physical body?
If my old ways of belief and thinking are keeping me from allowing myself to do anything I want to do, whether it be to draw or play the guitar masterfully, or are keeping me from manifesting the things I desire, like clarity about the best way, to the highest good of all, I can leave this house comfortably and safely, or experience abundance, in friends, money and resources, then these patterns of belief and ways of thinking must be overwritten or removed. But what if nobody can do what Shimoda does in Illusions? What if everything Abraham, Dooley and even JRP are teaching is complete and utter bullshit? What if manifestation does not work? What if life really does suck and we have little no power to change a single thing if we are not happy with it?
I have nobody to talk to about this. I see no evidence, with my physical eyes, that anything I am, currently, choosing to believe and think is real. In fact I see no evidence of God, I have had little or no experience of what I call the Source. The only things I have that make me think there may be something more outside the physical are my experiences with what I think was a Tulpa, and the one time I managed to re-enter a dream, where I was met by a fox that was not there before. Others may explain this way with some complicated psycho-therapy jargon. I tend to avoid the complicated. K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple & Spiritual
Re-entering a dream is outside normal experience. Seeing a fox in that dream that was not there before is outside of normal experience. There were other things I have seen too. Feeling connected to something outside my physical body is outside normal experience. The one thing I know for sure is that the Bible fails to present any compelling information on these subjects, therefore the Bible fails, therefore the Christian faith, of which the Bible is its cornerstone, fails. If nothing else at least I have learned that God is either far more or far less than what Christians believe.
But I have no interest in arguing what God is or is not with others. I have little if any experience or knowledge. If I can not and do not know what God is I certainly will not argue about it with others. Utter foolishness! I am focused on more immediate concerns… If no other path opens for me, I am leaving home in a few months, with no intention of returning. I am going out on my own, with only a bicycle and such equipment as I have managed to collect. Foodstamps for food. Once they run out or no longer work that’s it. Either God, AKA Source or The Universe, provides, or I starve. If stepping out in faith is what I must do so that the Universe will line everything up before me, then this is what I am doing. But if I step out and my foot finds nothing to support it, that’s it.
Abraham would probably tell me that I was not in alignment. JRP would probably say that I did not seek God AKA Source AKA The Universe as my supply. Dooley would probably tell me that I didn’t think from the perspective of already being, doing or having whatever it was I wanted to be, do or have. Maybe one of these would also tell me I didn’t feel it strongly enough. My parents and other Christians would tell me I didn’t trust God, or worse, what I was doing was not God’s will. Meanwhile I am plummeting to my physical death and none of their words will help one bit. In fact they would just be extra weight pushing me down.
I do not want to believe that I entered this world only to fail. But I also do not see how I can come to any place of success from here. I have little or no clarity of what exactly I should be doing at this point in my life. I want to believe that if I desired something strongly enough, and thought about it often enough, like our earlier treasure hunter example I would find what I desire. I would acquire it, it would come into my life experience. I want to believe that manifestation works, that I can do everything Shimoda did in Illusions.
But I am also alone, tired and wore out. I have worked hard all my life and have nothing of any real value to show for it. I have contributed little, as far as I know, to the world. Few will miss me or remember me were I to cease my physical existence right now, in this moment. As far as I can tell, I just don’t matter, and I just don’t have the strength to keep fighting, if I even am fighting, and if I am (it sure feels like it) I am not even sure what it is I am fighting for.
Dooley has one thing right. We all want happiness, even those of us who seem determined to be unhappy. We all want to be happy, without exception. There is no human who desires unhappiness. They may choose to be unhappy, but secretly, deep down, they want to be happy. I think we all would like to enjoy our lives, have fun, and live our dreams. I know I would.
I can tell you for a fact that my life has not been very enjoyable or fun up to now. About all I can determine is that living my life as I have has given me the life I have lived. So in order to have a difference life experience, I am going to have to live differently. Can’t keep doing the same things and expecting different results in other words. So I am throwing myself into a drastic life change, and hoping (because hope is about all I have to hold on to right now) that things will change, and specifically hoping that they will change for the better. Not sure how long I could keep going if they changed for the worst.
The best way I can illustrate how I feel right now is that I am well into a thick, extra thorny bramble patch. I followed my parents and other authority figures here. I followed my early belief patterns and ways of thinking here. I want to get out of these thorns, and I see the teachings of those like Abraham, Dooley and JRP as instructions for a way out. So I have determined to follow them. Because I have come to understand that continuing to follow my parents, authority figures, or former beliefs and thoughts will only lead me deeper into the brambles. Maybe that is the right path for them. But it is not the path I want for me. So I will follow these teachings, and if they do not lead me out to somewhere more desirable, somewhere I more want to be, well then I just don’t know what else to do. But I won’t be able to keep going.
Can’t focus on that though. Work on my alignment, frequency, vibration. Feel and think from the end result of the manifestation of my desire. That I am out of those thorns, and how good it feels to be free! In this place where I can enjoy my life, have fun, and live my dreams. Maybe I will finally remember what my long-lost childhood dreams were, if I even had any. There is a big world out there to experience, lots of amazing things to enjoy, lots of fun to have, lots of dreams, new and old, to live. I just have to feel and live as if I am free of these brambles first.
OK, breaks over. Pulling out that machete and moving on…