I started what I guess you would call a thread at the Reddit OKCupid Subreddit. I wanted to know how long I should keep my account, if I was not receiving messages. This is what one user quoted from what I said:
“I would like to be with someone who can look past a person’s physical appearances and life circumstances.”
They continued their post with this:
“Put yourself in their shoes. Can you look past a woman’s physical appearances and life circumstances? Are you willing to date a woman that’s overweight and doesn’t have a job?”
Something about it has been bugging me, nagging at me, and I think I finally figured out what it is. I want to go through this with you now.
On the surface, you read something like that, and you probably start nodding your head yes. You agree with this. It seems reasonable enough. A sort of extension of the teachings of Jesus, to treat others as you want to be treated.
But this is a very good example of a societal belief. Something accepted as fact, with little or no thought, which is, in fact, completely wrong.
I have come to understand that your only real, true responsibility on this earth in your physical form is to be yourself, to be true to yourself. To love and accept yourself as you are so you can love and accept others as they are.
That means you are in tune with your particular desire and preferences. To deny what you want because, according to society, it is unreasonable, is to deny yourself. You are not being who you are.
In truth you could be what others or yourself, looking at you with a critical eye, would call fat, slovenly and irresponsible. You sit around on the couch all day. You don’t have a job. You have a whole bunch of excess material all over your body, you are what they call overweight, and by some standard set by society maybe you are by 100+ pounds or so.
That does not automatically mean the only females you have a right to be interested in are those who are as fat, slovenly and irresponsible as you, within some arbitrary number of years of your age.
Do you see it now? This belief is divisive. It presupposes that only attractive people can be with attractive people, ugly people have to be with ugly people, fat people have to be with fat people, jobless people have to be with jobless people. Intelligent people only belong with intelligent people, and so on. It is utter bullshit.
The one you criticize and call fat, slovenly and irresponsible may be attracted to younger, 20+ year old, skinny and wealthy females. His life circumstances is irrelevant in regards to what he is attracted to. To be himself he must approach the females he is attracted to. Not the ones others would consign him to. That would be denying himself.
In my case I am what others would call overweight by roughly 50 pounds, best guess. I will be 40 years old at the end of this year. I have no car and no job.
I am attracted to pretty, younger women. As far as I am concerned, when the time comes for me to see them naked, I have to be interested in what I see. I find nothing attractive at all in older women, or in women that are excessively overweight. I am also not interested in women with children, because I want to have time to experience a relationship with someone before I am ready to have children.
This brings up another flaw with this belief. Everyone, this poster included, has desires, and those desires may cause him or her to be interested in someone that is, according to this same belief, somehow wrong for him or her to be interested in. While he or she is there criticizing and judging me, based on this belief, for my preferences, he or she is ignoring their own.
When I go to OKCupid and look around, I have to criticize, I have to judge. There is no other way to work with that system. If I could eliminate everything I deemed undesirable so I never had to see any of the other women there I wouldn’t have to do this. But because the system is designed the way it is, I have to criticize and judge.
I look at the picture of a woman, and if she is obviously overweight or not what I consider pretty, I do not click on it. End of story. If she is attractive I immediately go to see if she has children. If she does I close it out. Same if she smokes at all or drinks excessively.
It seems most of the women I am seeing there either are bisexual, addicted to hiking, have kids, or smoke, or drink excessively. Few are spiritual. The one person I found who was fairly spiritual and a good match according to OKCupid’s system sent me a reply message saying she didn’t think I was compatible with her.
I guess most guys don’t even get the courtesy of a rejection. Even though it isn’t really something in and of itself to be thankful for, I did get a response, which I guess is.
This is my process, and it is the one I must follow, because I am being true to myself. I am being who I am. That is my primary responsibility on this earth. That is the key to unfolding my purpose and living the life I came here to live.
These same people at Reddit want me to post my profile so they can give me pointers. I am sure I could use some advice, having done everything on my own. But I will not post my profile. It presents me honestly, paints a clear picture. There is no deceit, I am honest and open, clear about what I want. I am, once again, being true to myself and who I am.
I was feeling ashamed and guilty about the fact that, despite the many strikes I have against me, I am interested only in attractive younger women. It seemed unreasonable to me that I had such high standards that I did not meet myself. That is the purpose of what this user said. It is a tool of conformity, a belief we adopt from society which causes us to conform to its standard.
I am dropping my old belief in this. I will not conform to this. I will be true to myself and allow myself to be attracted to whoever it is I am attracted to. I will accept the standards I have set. They are not unreasonable, no desire, preference or standard is, or could ever be, unreasonable. If your preferences are limiting you, in time, when you are ready, you will change them. But for now you accept where you are, right now, in this moment.
I am not interested in being with someone who I couldn’t stand to see naked. That’s the end of it. I am also not interested in anyone that requires special care or treatment, and that includes women with children. I don’t care if they have a job or not. I admit it would be cool to have what I guess they call a “sugar momma”, but I am not looking for anything like that.
I want to be with someone who is interested in me, who I am interested in, who is attractive to me, and who hopefully finds me at least a little physically desirable. Someone who shares many of my interests, someone who is not seriously invested in some sort of institutionalized or organized religion. That includes agnostics, atheism and science, as far as I am concerned.
But I think I could live with an agnostic, atheist or scientist. I don’t think I could live with a devout Christian, Hindu or Muslim. I might be able to tolerate a Taoist or Buddhist. Ultimately I want to be with someone who is flexible and growing spiritually. So I only close out windows of those who are serious about their religion, but more for them than myself. They have a right to believe what they believe and follow their own spiritual path. I want whoever I am with to be happy. I don’t see how someone serious about their religion could be all that happy with me.
I hope someday I can look beyond the physical appearance of someone, or the role they are playing, to who they really are, deep down inside. To see the same energy in them that is in me, that is perfect and timeless, whatever the appearance or role being played. But I am not there yet, and I embrace my not-thereness, just as I embrace what I want in a female.
If someone says something to you similar to what they said to me, feel what you feel. Accept, admit and allow your feelings. Then release and let go of any guilt or shame you may have. There is nothing wrong with having a preference. Honor your desires, what you want, your preferences, and you honor yourself.
There is no higher calling in this world. If we all allowed ourselves to be who we are, and stopped trying to be what others tell us we should be, all hatred, strife and wars would cease. These are a direct result of people denying who they are, people who do not love and accept themselves as they are, people who are not true to themselves and who have instead denied themselves. You will not find an unhappier person on earth, or anyone further from their Source, their Higher Self.
Love and accept yourself as you are. Everything you belief, desire, feel, need, prefer, think or want, without exception.