This Indescribable Feeling
There is this feeling that I can’t describe,
It has elements of an ending in it,
Elements of hopelessness, fear and doubt.
And a certain flavor of uncertainty.
I feel sad, but I am not depressed.
It is like, at some level, I know this is inevitable,
But all the tears in the world can’t wash it away,
Yet this is not destiny, fate or karma.
I will call this place or state melancholy,
But that is not the right word either,
Because there is still appreciation and love,
There is still gratitude and thankfulness.
There is the ability to feel joyful,
Happiness is not out of reach,
It is as if I know the word is ending,
But there is nothing I can do about it.
So why run around screaming?
What good would that do?
Better to live each day to it’s fullest,
To be aware and present in every moment.
These words are so awkward,
Like putting together a puzzle,
With all the wrong pieces!
But I am trying my best.
My time here, in this place, will soon end.
My purpose unknown, my future uncertain.
But if I create my reality, I create my future,
I create the life I will inevitably experience.
So this time will be one of transition,
The caterpillar bursting from the cocoon,
To emerge a butterfly, with still-wet wings,
Waiting for the right moment to take flight.
Some would hear of my situation,
And they would call it bleak,
They would see it as hopeless,
To them it would be undesirable.
But I look at this as sink or swim,
Either I live what I teach,
Or I fail to have a life at all,
The creation of my life is up to me.
I must weave it out of such dreams as I have,
Bind it together with what purpose I can find,
Tie it together with my imagination,
Until the tapestry of my life is complete.
But how I feel, right now, in this moment,
This bittersweet ache for what I am not sure,
For someone to share my bed with me,
Or is it for a more certain future?
I have no answers, only questions,
I live in a constant state of, “ I don’t know…”
Yet I am learning to be OK with that,
I don’t need to have all the answers.
What fun would that be anyway?
Life is about the journey, not the destination,
And there is quite an adventure in front of me,
As well as an unknown amount to experience!
Whether this is good or bad,
Exists only in my perception,
I am responsible for my choices,
And my chosen course of action.
I just wish I didn’t feel this way,
I feel I am hurting and am so alone,
I wish I had someone here to talk to,
Someone to comfort me and to hold.
But the simple fact is that I do not,
So I have to focus on what I want.
And continue to walk this road alone,
Until someone is walking it with me.