There is this idea of a soulmate. That one person in all the world who is for you. It appears at first to be a very beautiful idea. I was listening to Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev talking about this subject:
For a long time I have wanted to meet my soulmate. The one for me, the one I will share my life with. But even before I listened to this video I had come to realize that another thing we hear, that people do not change, is indeed false, so there would have to be multiple people throughout your life who would be the right one for you at various times in your life.
This idea of a soulmate is fool’s gold. It is a human construction, like the idea that people never change and the human concept of time. There is no such thing as a soulmate, so it is foolish to seek one. I have said it before that chasing after anything will chase it from you. Running away from anything will draw it after you. If you, like me, are alone and lonely, then there is only one course of action. To stop the chasing or running away and have faith that the Universe (or whatever, or whoever, you call God) provides. This has to be a knowing deep within us. That is the kind of faith I am talking about. We release and let go of all our expectations and preconceptions. We avoid exercises like listing all the traits you want in a mate. The practice is to be allowing, open and receptive. We have faith the Universe provides, we know this, and that means we trust it also knows exactly the right person for us at any time in our lives.
Now it may be that there is no such person. I am having trouble facing this. Will I be forced to remain a celibate virgin my whole fucking life? Obviously I am struggling here. I am coming up on 40 and am fast becoming a running joke with my dad and my brother. Society puts so much pressure on us through those around us, our loved ones and friends, even our true friends. If you are still a virgin at 20 and are a male, there is something wrong with you. That’s the mindset in society. If you are still a virgin at 40 you must be completely worthless. You must be a joke, so immature or broken or wrong in some way or just plain unacceptable. One under this sort of pressure, this strain, can begin to resent females. See them as being too picky. What makes them think they have the right to deny me what I need? But this is all the wrong way of looking at it.
As Sadhguru says, everyone wants to live in a beautiful garden. Having someone to share your life with, to have sex with, is just like that. Everyone, with a few exceptions, wants it. It may be a dream of yours, as it is a dream of mine. But it is not why you are here. It is not your life’s purpose. It is not the Ultimate, as Sadhguru refers to it. It is just something that makes life more enjoyable, nicer. I suppose if you become enlightened, you are free from your sexual nature and its urges. Perhaps you can still enjoy the physical act, maybe as Osho teachers there is something there, when two people go deep enough into it, free from religious oppression and sexual repression. Maybe it can become an enlightening experience in and of itself, be something that enhances one who is already enlightened, or very close to becoming enlightened. I do not know. I am not, as far as I know, enlightened. I still struggle with religious oppression and sexual repression.
As I see it, the view I subscribe to at this time, based on the teachings of Abraham, is that my Higher Self (or Soul or whatever you want to call it, that non-physical, energetic aspect of me that has manifested as this physical body, and will still exist once the physical part of me dies) knows exactly what I need and want. I have launched what Abraham calls, “Rockets of desire” based on what I do not want and what I want. My Higher Self (I think I like the term Inner Self) has already expanded accordingly. There is nothing between me and my desire but my own interference, trying to make things happen. Using will, a tool of the ego. Determination, stubbornness and will are not necessarily bad things. But our ego likes to use them to create outside circumstances that match whatever it is we want.
If we are to use these tools we need to take them inward. We need to free ourselves from the power of our circumstances, and find our joy beyond or outside of them. When the inner changes, the outer changes. By changing the inner we change the way we see things. Working on the outer means we continue to see things through the lenses of our perception. We define reality by what we see in the world around us. Reality is the fantasy we all agree to believe in, someone once said. Only when we stop agreeing to believing in the fantasy that everyone else calls reality, when we work on the way we see things, can we define reality for ourselves, and see things as they are, not as we wish they were or as everyone says they are.
So to put this into a practical example, I need to drop my part of the belief in this agreed fantasy of a soulmate. I have already dropped the idea that people never change. I have changed, drastically, so I know this isn’t true. I know this in my own experience, and that is the only way to know the Truth. The idea of a soulmate means one of two things. Either people do not change and remain stagnate, forever perfectly compatible with each other. Which is a lie and wrong, as I know from my own experience. I am nothing like I was before. In fact I don’t even recognize some aspects of myself and the things I go through, they are now so alien to me. So that leaves a second option, that two people can someone grow perfectly together and remain compatible through the course of their lives. It seems highly unlikely to me. Possible, but unlikely. The chances that two people, changing as people definitely do, managing to consistently change in ways that keep them compatible seems far fetched to me.
I think it more likely that there are different people who travel with us on our life path for a time. That calls into question the idea of marriage or staying with one person all your life. While it can happen that two people fit well together for their entire lives, it seems more likely that as each person changes they need to part ways and share the paths of others. Which means the idea of holding onto love is also false. That isn’t love anyway, love by nature is giving, not taking, letting go, not holding on. Ideally we love loosely. We somehow (I have no idea how) enter a state where we can be with someone, for as long as our paths are merged, and when the time comes to part ways, do so with absolutely no anger, regret, resentment, sadness or anything. We are somehow able to part ways in a state of mind that is thankful for the time we had and joyful in the prospect of letting this person we love so much go to be with the next person for them, even as we open to the next one we will be with. We part as friends, and may even remain friends. We may even find our paths merging once again years later.
I think this is the way it would work. Just as someone may move from one house to another as their life circumstances change, so we move from one partner to another as we change. But that means I also have to throw out this idea of loyalty. I always had this chip on my shoulder, that if I met someone and they cheated on me, that would be the end. We would be over, I would throw her out on her ass, or just walk away. But that mindset not only keeps any prospective females from me, because in essence I have silently accused them of something they haven’t even done, and they sense it like a deer senses a predator, but it is also the opposite mindset from love. Remember I said love is giving and letting go. There is no holding on with love. There is only happiness in the others happiness, joy in their joy, appreciate and gratitude. This mindset will draw females to me like a lightbulb draws moths. No female, especially no loving, spiritually minded female, can resist a male with an open, loving and receptive mindset. It is impossible.
So that is my practice. To work on myself and how I see the world. To see things as clearly and truly as I can. To be straight with myself, as Sadhguru instructs. To have faith that the Universe provides, and there is no limit to its provision. To have a deep, knowing faith in that. To go forward with that same inner knowing that the relationship I so strongly desire is already provided, and all that is left is for it to manifest on the physical plane. My job, practice, task, is to have faith and wait like a child waits for Christmas morning to open the gift that they just know contains exactly what they wanted. That sort of excited, innocent, grateful and joyous state that is beyond and outside of expectation. Expectation means I still have my hands on it. The state I am referring to is strictly hands off. I don’t make anything happen. Or you could say I make it happen by allowing it to happen.
You don’t order a flower to grow to a certain height, with a certain pattern and color. You plant the seed, water it, give it plenty of sunlight or shade – whatever it requires. You give it room to grow and blossom. You don’t force open the buds when they appear. You don’t yell at it for not opening on command. You have no expectation of what it will look like. You just have a general idea based on the kind of flower it is. You wait, patiently, and one day the bud opens, and you get to enjoy its unique manifestation, with many of your senses. It becomes physically real.
And this is what my relationship, with the one I will share my life with, is. I have planted the seeds. I have given it the space in which it needs to grow. Now I wait patiently for the buds to appear and break open. When they do let me tell you, I hope we are far way from any neighbors, because I plan to thoroughly enjoy the one I am with, to share this experience with her, to please her even as I am pleased, until we are both satiated, and if she is anything at all like me, that may take days or even weeks. I am looking forward to it, with no expectation, only hope and that faith, that deep knowing, that the physical manifestation of our paths coming together and merging is soon at hand.
Do not give up! Do not loose hope! There is no such thing as a soulmate. But there is something better. There are people who you will share your life with, in various ways, and those experiences are like beautiful flowers. Maybe some of them you may look back on and call negative. Others you may call positive. But they are all experiences, and an experience can be painted as negative or positive, but in itself is neither. You draw these experiences to yourself. They are what you have asked for, either by asking for it, obsessing over it or thinking about it. “You always get what you ask for, whether you want it or not.” That is another quote from Abraham.
What an amazing world this is if that is true! And I am seeing more and more, in my own experience, that it is. I create my reality. I give myself exactly what I need at any given time in my life for my own spiritual growth or regression. Whatever it is I want. I draw to myself the experiences I need for the lessons I will learn. Maybe I didn’t ask for some of these experiences or their resulting lessons. But I am learning all the time, and that makes life the vibrant, wondrous thing that it truly is!
If you are alone and lonely like me, have faith. Do your inner work, change how you see the world. Become accepting, open and receptive. Allow your desire, your love, to come to you. Plant the seed and make the space in your life for it to grow. Be patient and trust. I am right there with you, doing exactly the same thing. I will freely share as I learn, should what I have shared here prove false I will tell you. I will not consciously lead you stray, and my daily practice is to be as aware and conscious as possible. I don’t know why things seem to have to be so much harder for me that I presume it is for others. But I think maybe it is because I am looking for a deeper, more spiritual union with someone. I want to go deeply into love and sex with them. To truly love them, and be truly loved by them. And that may be a taller order than the majority of the relationships people share out there. No criticism or judgment here, that is their path. It just looks like I picked a harder one to walk than most.
But that’s OK, because if it is harder to walk, the destination will be worth the extra energy and effort, all the pain, struggle and waiting. I am building a house on rock here, not on sand. Adding all the craftsman touches. The kind of relationship I am constructing calls for or requires a very special female. I just have to come to terms with that, and hope I have not made such a tall order that there is nobody out there in the world who can fill it. Because it would be such a disappointment to reach and move past 40 yet still have nobody to share my life with. I just have to have faith, that’s all there is to it.
So have faith!