I wish.

I wish I had a way,
To give you the benefit,
Of my experience,
So you wouldn’t,
Have to go through,
All the shit,
I went through,
So you wouldn’t,
Have to experience,
All the pain,
I experienced,
But I can’t,
And I not only can’t,
I shouldn’t even try,
In fact it would be wrong of me to,
It would, in the end, only hurt you.

I have come to understand.

I have come to understand,
That we all have to walk,
Our own paths, and that,
We all have to figure out,
This shit for ourselves.
We can’t leave signs,
Helping others to avoid dangers,
Because they may be here,
To experience those dangers,
There may be,
A lesson hidden inside,
Just for them.

You don’t deserve my help.

To be perfectly frank,
To be perfectly honest,
You don’t really deserve my help,
Even if I could give it to you,
Even if you would accept it.
You have hurt me so much,
You have cockblocked me,
Stolen from me,
Lied to me,
Verbally abused me,
Treated me like shit,
Your whole damn life.
I know you are only like that,
Because you have a sepulcher inside,
That you can’t open the door and face,
So that you can clean yourself up,
This, like everything else, is your path.

It still hurts me.

It still hurts me,
Seeing you go through this,
I remember,
When I did the same,
I remember,
When I raged,
When I broke things,
That were hard to replace,
I remember,
Standing on the road,
With a machete,
So enraged,
I was ready to use it,
And I am glad,
That I never did.
But I was able,
To pull myself,
Out of this tar pit,
This trap, that you have gone,
And got yourself stuck in,
You are up to your neck now,
You don’t remember,
How to save yourself,
You need outside help,
Because unlike me,
You won’t learn,
What you need from a book,
You have no desire to change,
Only that feeling inside,
That makes you look back,
On all you have done,
With guilt and shame,
What a heavy burden you bear!

I have grown so much.

I have grown so much,
Especially in this last year,
I was able to stay with you,
Not fight with you,
Not criticize or judge you,
I was able to stay light,
Think things, say things, do things,
That kept me feeling light,
That felt good,
Left me clean and clear,
I did not contribute,
Not consciously,
To your pain and suffering.
I loved and accepted you,
Exactly as you appeared to me,
I accepted the way you wanted things,
I was happy, polite and smiling,
My happiness, my joy,
Did not depend on my circumstances,
I would have rather played video games,
But I was perfectly content,
Just watching movies all day with you.
I appreciate you,
Making room for me to stay,
And getting along with me,
For just one day and night,
I am glad we were able to do that,
To just hang out,
Smoke that awesome weed,
So sticky and smooth,
On the throat!
Even though I no longer need it,
I no longer to choose to escape,
Instead I choose to face,
What is happening, right now, in this moment,
Moment by moment, accepting what is,
Not desiring it to be something different,
So many practices while I was there,
Including this one.

Through it all.

Through it all,
I prayed and asked the Source,
To bless you and be with you,
To bless and be with me,
As I interact with you,
And to bless and be with others,
Interacting with us.
I held no ill-will, and I still don’t,
I want you to find your way,
I want you to be happy,
I want you to have,
A fulfilling and meaningful life,
Work you enjoy,
That makes you feel good,
As you do it.
I have forgiven you,
For all the hurt and pain,
I will instantly forgive you,
If you hut me again,
I am not holding a grudge,
There is no bitterness inside,
Just an empty, hopeless feeling,
I am powerless,
As I watch you drown,
But I have to let you drown,
Only in drowning,
Will you realize,
Whatever it is,
You need to realize,
Or you will die,
Never realizing it,
And if reincarnation is real,
You may have to die,
Many more lifetimes,
Trapped in your mental issues,
Never figuring out why,
You are being persecuted,
Never coming to understand,
That nobody is after you,
That even if they were,
They can only stab you,
If you give them a knife,
And open your arms,
And just stand there,
As they bring it into you,
Again and again,
Until their stabbings,
Drive you to kill yourself,
Because you can see no other way out,
And I know what that view looks like too.

Thank you.

Thank you for being a mirror,
For showing me the things,
Inside myself I must change,
I may still not know,
Or realize, or remember,
Or even be ready to face,
What all these things are,
But the experience is there,
In my memory,
And I have faith,
That when I need it,
It will be there for me.
I learned so much,
About perspective,
And so many other things,
Just from staying with you.
I saw myself in you,
How I used to be,
I admit it is disturbing,
To see how alike we are,
This evening, as I was doing things,
I saw how similar we were,
In how we do things,
The sounds we make,
How some things,
Have to be just so,
It really bothers me,
But it also causes me,
To be more aware,
Of what I am doing,
What I am thinking.
What I am feeling.
What I am saying.
That awareness,
Is the next step,
In my ongoing,
Journey of inner growth.

Growth pains are hard.

Growth pains are hard,
They hurt like hell,
But without them,
You never grow big and strong.
I hope your pain,
Turns into that sort of pain,
A pain that leads somewhere,
Has a useful purpose,
Shows you that you are changing,
Becoming someone you are happier with,
Something with less guilt and shame.
The hellish thoughts,
That must be running through you,
Right now, haunting your dreams,
Which will leave you with vague unease,
When you wake up,
To grab your pipe,
And smoke some more weed,
In order to escape your reality,
The very reality,
You created for yourself.
You forged,
The bars of your own prison.
You built,
Your own personal hell.
You will remain,
Trapped there,
Until it kills you,
Or changes you.
It almost killed me,
Several times,
And while it is a criticism,
In my honest assessment,
You are far weaker than I,
Still I hope you survive,
And emerge stronger for it.

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