After reading Tolle again this morning I realized something. I am even getting glimpses from my dreams last night, so whatever this is I probably dreamed about it as well. I realized that I am angry, resentful, towards my parents and what I perceive to be, what I think will be, the circumstances of my birthday and Christmas. That I will not be able to go anywhere special or do anything special, and that my parents will not do anything or make even a reasonable effort to shop for gifts.
As a result, in this present moment, I am unhappy. I can almost smell the toxic fumes from my disappointment, resentment, anger, bitterness or whatever else is there. As a result I will experience exactly that I have faith that I will experience. I expect I will do nothing special and go nowhere interesting. It is a groove recorded into my psyche. I have more faith in an undesirable future than a desirable one.
All previous Christmases and Birthdays that I have experienced where I do nothing special and go nowhere interesting are a collective result of one birthday or Christmas in the past where this non-happening happened, and the next birthday and Christmas I assumed would be like the last, and so it has gone on until right now, in this present moment.
It is a residual haunting, repeating over and over and over again. All these negative emotions and mental states sap my energy,drain my ambition, making it hard to think, making it hard to do anything different, making it all but impossible to create another groove that could repeat over an over and over again, this one of a birthday and Christmas where I am completely aware. Where I am abundant, accepting, open and receptive.
Maybe I create a new groove where I always go somewhere special and do something interesting on my birthday and Christmas. Or maybe I do one better, and create this state of such openness, that anything could happen, each year, year after year, and it’s a sort of present I give to myself. Maybe one year I do something or go somewhere. Maybe another I just stay home and enjoy spending time with my family. But as I am fully aware, fully present, the external circumstances will have no effect on my internal state, which will be filled with joy and wonder, which is the idea state for one’s birthday and Christmas, right?
I can not get there from here, unless right here, right now, in this present moment, I release all these emotions I perceive to be bad or negative. That humans generally apply these labels to. That includes anger, bitterness, depression, frustration and resentment. These states are not aware. They are not open. These states close you off. They weave a story about you. Your suffering, what you didn’t get,or what you got that you didn’t want. You you you.
But that is not really you. It is your ego, your story of who you are. The stuff you say to someone when you meet them for the first time. You start with a name and you may follow up with your age, your job, or your religion. None of that is you at all. That is not who you are, and introducing yourself this way is a lie, because you are not telling that person who you really are. You are telling that person who you identify yourself as. You are telling them about you, they are not experiencing the truth of who you are.
The next time you meet someone say, “I identify myself as (my name here). As a part of that identity I enjoy (insert things this identity enjoys) and I work at (insert job here.) Or something like that.
I see what I need to release and let go. I am not entirely sure how to do that. But if I continue as I have been feeling I will create a toxic environment around me and others around me. I will reinforce an outcome I have grown weary of, and in that outcome I will be so totally identified with my ego that I think these things that I perceive to be bad or negative are happening to me, when they are not, they are happening to my ego, the one wearing my name with its own back story.
When I am no longer identified with my ego, as this story of who I am, I will be aware and practicing awareness. I will be free to let anything happen, free to experience the possibility of anything happening. Free of labeling happenings as either negative or positive, good or bad, right or wrong.
If I can accept that what is happening is perfect, just a I am perfect, just as this world is perfect, just the way it is, my circumstances can have no effect on me. I can enjoy that which resonates with this state, and because that state will only attract more circumstances like it, I will naturally, effortlessly flow into circumstances that from the outside, to any observer looking on, are positive, uplifting. It will appear as if there are no limits to the positive experiences I am having, to how wonderfully things are working out for me. But inside that state there is no ego, so there is no comparing/contrasting or criticism/judgment. That state is the freedom to be unaffected by circumstance, which is the ultimate way to attract circumstances that, were you able to form an opinion within in, you would want in the first place.
Now if i focus on this future I perceive to be more desirable, I fall into another trap. I cement myself, once more, in time. Mind and ego are cemented in time. Ego is always looking back at how things were better, or ahead at how things will be better. When teh ego is not looking back at how things were better, it is looking back at how tings were worse, and it is projected into the future who things will be like they have been.
You don’t get to that place, that state, by involving the ego. You get there by not going there. You attain that state by not trying to attain it. You move forward by staying still, right here, right now, in this present moment. You practice awareness now, moment by moment, and through that practice you find you are there. But it all starts, right here, right now. It all starts with practicing awareness, in this moment, moment by moment.
Dealing With The Funk…