Unexpected Empathy

I have something very important I want to share with you. The other night I watched something I shouldn’t have. I will not go into the details. I had just watched a video of a frat party where a young woman was exposed and had sex right in the middle of the crowd. This was an armature video, not a porno. In other words none of the people in the video were actors. They were all college kids as far as I could tell. My purpose here is to tell you what I felt both as I watched this and afterward.

It brought to mind something I think I read somewhere, I am not sure where. About how someone was telling someone else about when they shot a man and for an instant they saw the boy inside. I remember as I watched this video how small this young woman looked. She was not petite, as near as I could tell. Just something, some essence, in the film made her seem very small. Like she should be protected. I can’t say I saw the little girl she once was or anything like that. But I felt a strong sense of empathy towards this young woman.

In the video she appears to want the things that are being done to her. She appears to be enjoying herself and really getting into the person she’s with. She wasn’t trying to hide from the camera, she didn’t seem to care that all these people around her were looking on. I doubt the young man with her was someone she really knew. It seemed more like he was someone she just hooked up at that party. There was no love between the couple. Nothing tender, sweet, innocent or sharing. I mean he wasn’t rough with her or anything. He wasn’t trying to hurt her. He didn’t force her into anything. But it just didn’t seem to me to be how two people, who truly love and care for each other, would act.

Granted the young woman could be an exhibitionist. But as I am a former exhibitionist I asked myself tonight, would I want to do that? Would I want to be in the young man’s place, everyone looking on while I am with someone? No. No, I wouldn’t. I understand that perhaps it is easier for the guy. Maybe to guys it’s not such a big deal being seen naked in a crowd. I don’t really think that’s true though. I think it just affects guys differently than girls. When I had exhibitionist tenancies, it was the thrill that I might be seen that was a turn on. Having someone standing there, watching me, well that’s a turn off.

I imagine that for most females it is a little more extreme. You hear more about guys exposing themselves in public than women. What limited experience I have tells me that in general they don’t like to be naked in public. I think part of it is programming from family and society. Society has an image of what is proper for a young lady and what isn’t. It may not be the 1800s anymore but the ghosts of these old fashioned ideas still remain.

Even if she was totally into this guy and all that was happening at that party at the time the video was taken, what about now? I can’t imagine she is walking around with her head held high boasting about the things she did that night. Maybe she got caught up in the moment, but afterward, especially when she was alone for the first time, I’ll bet her thoughts were not pleasant towards herself. I would be surprised if she didn’t cry when she realized all that had happened. Even if no tears came, she still may have fought a mighty war inside herself. Feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, self-judgment. Not to mention her mother’s voice from when she was a child. Things her mom would say when she was disappointed in her daughter. I’ll bet that voice spoke up a lot too.

When I realized these things, not in their details and entirety as I listed here, but simply that somewhere inside that young woman is the little girl she once was, it caused great empathy in me. No little girl grows up saying, “When I grow up I want to to be naked and have sex in public.” This changed my perception of women. I admit it, females used to terrify me. I was, scared of them. Maybe not them as people per say, but of being rejected. Until that night females represented all sorts of negative things for me, brought back many bad memories.

But now I see them differently. They have their own unique issues to work through. They have certain ways that they see men. Who knows what I represent to a female? Abuse? Rejection? Weakness? Shame? Guilt? Fear? Improper thoughts about their father? Or brother? It seems that children growing up in the last 20 years or so have had to wade through an incredible morass of shit. Somewhere inside that young woman that I am gathering up the courage to go speak to is a little girl who has had certain experiences with the opposite sex, and has certain perceptions about them, so she sees in me certain things as a result. In some cases it’s probably just as scary for them to be approached as it is for me to approach them.

This is what I want you to take away from these words. That somewhere inside that woman you are with is the little girl she once was. It may be chauvinistic for me to say this, but protect her. Not like you’re going to lock her in a tower somewhere, or punch any guy that comes near. That is not protection. She is not your property. No, by protection I mean the protection that comes naturally from simply cherishing her, considering her feelings, loving her and respecting her. If you can find empathy for her, you can love her. If you truly love her, remembering that true love is not possessive and has no fear of loss or separation, you will naturally not do things that will hurt her. You don’t have to do anything or try anything. It is a matter of being. How are you with her? If you are not sure how you are treating her, see how she treats you. That will be a mirror of your own actions towards her. If she is motivated by love in all her actions towards you, then chances are you are motivated by love in all your actions towards her.

That young man did not, and could not, love that young woman. If he truly had loved her he could never have done what he did with her. Too often we are driven sexually by our hormones, our desires, or physical needs, our urges, and not by love. I know from personal experience. No relationship founded on this drive will last. No love can enter such a relationship. It is only when we are driven by true love that our relationships can last. Our love will direct and guide us, our love will be what we act from, and as long as we are acting from a place of true love we will not do anything to hurt the one we are with, and in this way we naturally protect them.

If you are a horny teenager or college student you shouldn’t go after the first beautiful girl you see, or the first hunky guy. Why? Because you are not driven by love. The best sex you will ever have will be with someone who deeply, truly loves you. If you give into your sexual urges, you will suffer the consequences, and pregnancy a well as STDs are the least of them. The temporary pleasure you get is like what they used to call an upper. But when you crash no drug in the world will take away the pain. You can numb yourself with alcohol, drugs and meaningless sex. But eventually you will find yourself alone with your thoughts, speaking in the voices of those who raised you, and you will feel ashamed, guilty, hurt and a host of other things, the same as your partner.

That’s because you had no empathy for yourself, for the little boy or girl you once were. You did not truly love yourself, so you can not truly love another. Love can only be found when you have empathy. When you actually care. If you don’t care about yourself and your life, you’re not going to care about anyone else and their life. You will hurt the ones who love you, your partners and yourself. You will spread pain around like a disease. Inevitably this will also spread addiction around, because what is the first thing most people turn to when they feel pain? As you are still not acting out of love for yourself or others you end up hurting your body, destroying it, causing others to hurt their bodies. Some of you will cut yourselves, and become addicted to that. Others will give up and kill themselves. But none of these actions address the core issue.

There is a way to be free of pain, and to help others be free of it. Simply find empathy for yourself. Learn to love and accept yourself as you are. Then find empathy for others, Learn to love and accept them as they are. Ensure when you act it is out of love, true love, not to satisfy some urge for a temporary pleasure. If you go to a party, dance and have fun, but limit how much you drink. Stay away from the drugs if at all possible. Love your body, take care of it. Make sure you are able to leave when you are ready, don’t get wasted. Out of love for others ensure that there is no way they can take advantage of you. Refuse to give yourself to the first guy you feel hot and heavy with. Refuse to give yourself to the first girl that turns you on. Wait until you are sure you are acting from a place of love, not lust. How can you tell if you really love someone?

Simple. If he really loves you he will respect your wishes to wait. He will act out of love towards you. That means he will care about you, be tender towards you. The two of you will talk about stuff. You will share things together. You will be able to tell if it is fake or genuine. If he is constantly trying to get into your pants he does not love you, no matter what he says. He is acting from his sexual urges, not a place of love. The reverse is true for females. If she truly loves you she will want to spend time with you. She will talk with you, share things with you. She won’t need a drink to sleep with you, or a shot, or anything else. She will respect your wishes to wait without feeling offended or rejected. She will have understanding, because she is acting from a place of love.

Is there someone in your “friend zone?” Someone you can talk to about anything and everything, who listens and is always there for you? That person, more then likely, truly loves you. Find someone you can be like that with, who you treats you like that. It may not be the person in your “friend zone.” Chances are you do not truly love them. True love has to be a two-way street, given and received by both partners.

Ultimately when the two of you get together there will be a genuine tenderness. It will be a shared experience. You two will be discovering each other. You two will respect each other. You will care about what your partner is feeling or thinking. You will be able to stop, right in the middle of it all, if there is any reason to. Maybe she starts crying and needs to talk about something. Maybe he is suddenly angry for some reason. Sex is more than a physical act. There is an exchange of energies going on, whether or not you believe it.

These energies are one of the two most powerful types, and both are creative by nature. I have a theory that sexual energy is actually what calls into existence a child, when they take physical form in the womb. Sexual energy creates, as does blood energy. It may even be the the two energies are the same. Maybe it comes down to life energy. In any case these energies are being shared.

In addition sex is intimate. Some sort of connection is being made between the two. I have no words to really describe this. But there is a letting in going on here, for both parties. That letting in is always, no matter how a person acts, done tentatively. There is a lurking fear there of being hurt. I wish I could describe this better. In any case all this is going on during the act of sex, and all sorts of things can come up. If love is not the place from which the lovers have come together, then irreparable damage will be done to both parties. This damage is done deep inside each person. They may not be conscious of it. They may even suppress it. But the damage is there, the wound is there, and until that wound is healed all future relationships will be affected.

Remember these words, print them out and share them with others. See the little boy or girl inside the man or woman. Find empathy for yourself, learn to love and accept yourself as you are. Find empathy with others, learn to love and accept them as they are. In all your sexual relationships act from a place of true love. If you have guilt or shame inside forgive yourself. If you have bitterness or anger inside, forgive the offender. Don’t judge yourself or anyone else. Stop seeing yourself or any another as a victim. If you have been hurt, allow yourself to heal.

When True Love is the Action, True Action is the Consequence.


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